I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years. 7 years ago we started having troubles. He lost interest in everything. I know at that stage we all can feel content and take for granted that we need to continue to show interest in our partners. But whenever I brought it up, he'd make excuses. His lack of interest in sex, his inability to show any type of interest or affection in me, even in small ways, began to eat at me. So I began to try harder, to initiate more, even though I already initiated 90% of the time. I tried to talk to him, I did everything but ask to see a specialist. In hindsight, I know I should have done that, but didn't. Instead, I began to ask myself: "is something wrong with me, is my weight an issue, is his weight and issue, is he gay, is he having an affair, does he not love me anymore?" Oh yes, I asked it all.
And then the brick wall went up. I asked for a divorce three years ago and he begged me to try. I told him I would but I felt lifeless, lost in limbo. I felt like I was living with a stranger. He no longer completed me, he was the enemy. I no longer feel as if I'm in love with him. Maybe I care for him because he's the father of my children but I have no feelings of intimacy and affection for him.
I've since asked for a divorce twice more. Then, the unimaginable has happened, something I never thought I'd do. I had an affair. And now I feel like I have a chance with someone new. But my husband believes that, despite the affair, I need to stay and work on the marriage and go to counseling NOW. I'm so torn between the fresh new feelings I have for someone new and the 15 years I've spent with my husband and our children. I feel like there is no way I will be able to find love and intimacy now that I've given it to someone else. And, just how do I push these new feelings aside to even TRY to work on my marriage. Do I even want to?
I'm just lost in limbo. I don't know what to do or which way to go.
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