Where do I go for absolution for personal anger, hate and depression? How can I face the daily struggle to find meaning in a world that I find amusing, with people that I find irritating, and with places and situations I find boring? I escape the mediocrity of my life with other people's imaginations and my own. I exist in the moment, yet live in books, movies, and dreams. I have potential without drive, desire or goals. I am eager for affection, company, and love, but I am moody, peevish, and, at times, annoying to those around me. I have never had a relationship with a woman, other than platonic, though my sexual desires are strong. I'm 31 and lonely, above all else. I am 20-25 pounds overweight, though I am not exactly a fat body, just big in the gut. I have no health problems, and am in excellent physical condition, except for the weight. I am unhappy, with myself, my life, and with my unhappiness. I know I have a great many things going for me, that life is not as bitter as it sometimes seems, and I am tired of my own whining. I feel lost, hopeless and alone. Always an outsider watching, waiting, eager for the participants to ask me to join the fun. I think I have felt this way since I was a child. Either above the fray, or simply apart from it. I have gone for help, been put on Zoloft, and it merely made me tired. I know this is just an advice column, and the advice will be to seek help again, but sometimes it just helps to put my thoughts into words. Dreaming of a better me.
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