Ever since I could remember, I have always had sexual fantasies involving knives and being murdered. I'm (female) 20 yrs old now and this has been happening since I was around 7 or 8 and on. My mom told me SOME pieces from my past and there had been sexual stuff done to me by this man I used to know (I was around 10 at the time it happened). I don't remember any of the details (nor do I have an emotional attachment to the event) but I can't have a sexual relationship with a guy because of the way I view sex: because of the unwanted images in my mind. These thoughts come unannounced and plague me. I can't seem to get rid of them. I have found guys that are into extremely violent sexual behavior (including holding a knife to my throat, cutting, etc) and they have fantasies of BEING a serial killer so I've kinda hooked up with them as far as sexual behavior goes, but I'm also afraid of my mind. I've had dreams of being raped at knife point, tied down, being cut up and getting my throat slit......and the worst part is, I enjoy those dreams and thoughts, to the point where I wish I could actually experience it. But at the same time, they scare me and make me sick. I'm an extremely social person and have a lot of friends, but lately these thoughts/obsessions have become too much. I can't even concentrate on college, it seems like serial killers and murder is all I can think about. I guess I don't know what to do, you think I should seek mental help? Also, do you know what it is or if it's a disorder of some type?
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