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Relationship Questions

Untrustworthy Fiancée

I have been with my fiancée for two and a half years. I just plain don't trust him. We were living together for a year and a half, while we were waiting for his divorce to be final. He had been separated from his ex for 5 years before I met him. It seems to me, that if he wanted to marry me he would have filed right after we became engaged, but no, it was about a year later. After the divorce was final, I asked him when he wanted to get married, he kind of hesitated and finally replied by asking me when I wanted to. I said that I wanted to right away. He asked me what I meant by right away. I got the impression that he did not want to commit to a date. I don't remember exactly what was said after that. I stopped wearing the diamond, and told him that when he was ready to discuss a date I would continue wearing the diamond. I told him that a diamond is a promise of marriage and I felt as if he was using it as a layaway tag. He says I gave him an ultimatum, and that is why he did not want to set a date. He wanted the diamond back and I refused to give it to him, because we charged it on my credit card, when he paid it off he could have the diamond. He didn't have a car or a license when we met. Once he got his license I always let him drive my car, no questions asked, we thought of it as our car. One day while I was sleeping he took the car, oh I forgot to mention, he had just finished a twelve-pack before he took it. I woke up and there were flowers on the table. I asked him where they came from. He said he drove down to the florist down the street to get them for me. I told him that while I appreciated the flowers, I did not care for the fact that he drove my car while under the influence. He got mad at me for calling the car mine. I reminded him that the car is in my name, therefore, I would be responsible if anything happened. This was bad enough, then I asked him if he went anywhere else, he swore up and down, I have to quote him, "I drove five minutes down the street, bought you flowers and came back." Over and over those exact words, guess what, I go to the fridge and there's a fresh twelve-pack. I confronted him about it, his reply, there happened to be a package store right across the street from the florist. One morning I got in my car and left for work and I notice that the convertible top wasn't latched on the passenger side. I asked him if he had taken the car during the night, "Where would I have gone?" was his answer. He asked me "Did you ever think maybe you didn't latch it right the last time you used it?" He never answers a question, except with a question. I had driven about five hours the day before, with the top up. I think I would have noticed then. We split up for about a month. I cried and cried. He drank and drank. I am the one that tried to get back together with him, I was also the one who decided to leave in the first place. He made no attempt. We've been back together for about a month now. I told him during the week, last week, that Sat. was Sweetest Day. He made a note of it. I sent him some Godiva chocolates. I got nothing. Last night he went on AOL to try to cancel his account, he opened it while we were apart, he hasn't used it since. He had mail from romdezvous.com saying that his membership had expired exactly one month after he opened his AOL account, he swore up and down that he did not join anything. I don't understand why the letter was addressed to Dear ____ _____.(his first and last name.) I know he is lying to me about this. I've had it. Writing this I'm saying to myself, "You are nuts to actually want this man!" But why do I still feel so bad. I'm afraid that I'm going to cave in again. I start thinking about the good times and how well we get along when we get along. But I can't trust him

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Disclaimer

  • 'Anne' is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • 'Anne' bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
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