Mental Help Net
  •  
Relationship Problems
Resources
Basic InformationMore InformationLatest NewsQuestions and Answers
Personality Disorder or Just a Horrible PersonHusband Sexting With a Mutual FriendAm I Controlling ?Commitment IssuesFound Out my Therapist Had a Disciplinary Action in the PastTrust IssueClassify My Mental DisorderProlonged Unemployment of Husband Long Distance College Relationship Does my Boyfriend Have Feelings For His Ex Wife?Married to a PsychopathBreaking UpTrust IssuesHow to Overcome Depression Caused when Boyfriend Ditched Me?New Boyfriend Lying About Belongings That Are His Ex Girlfriend'sShould I Stay or Should I Go?How Can I Help my Fiancé?Husband Continually Annoyed/Angry With MeRecent Loss of my Mother is Causing Problems... Lost in LimboNeed Help in Building the BridgesLack of Affection and IntimacyIs He Seeing Someone?Marriage QuestionResentment-Controlling Wife/Passive-Agressive HusbandHow To Get Over It?Am I Going Crazy?Can My Marriage Be Saved?Why Is He Doing This To Me?Am I Commitment-Phobic?Change of Heart After Parent's DeathDoes He Love Me?The Breakup.Should I Stay With a Lying Husband?What Happened?On and Off Relationship For Almost 10yrsJealous GirlfriendWill My Husband Ever Quit Abusing Narcotics?I Am Tired of MarriageNot Able to be Happy With my HusbandDo You Think We Can Work This Out?Is It Me or Him?Personality Disorder Symptoms??Morbid Jealousy?How Much is TOO Much Therapy?How to Handle an Employee Who Tells Obvious LiesAffection DeficitDelusional JealousyMy Boyfriend Still has his Ex-Girlfriend's PhotosEmotional Manipulator, Personality Disorder or Both?In Love With a Man Who Does Not Love MeBoyfriend's Daughter's Strange BehaviorI Have Been Rejected.Second MarriageNew Job New ChanceCrazy Mother In Law Ruining Our Mental Health and RelationshipI am a Newlywed and Need HelpLiarWhy Is He So Jealous, Even of My Own Brothers??Why my Emotional Relationships With Men Don't Last?What do you do When Your Partner Just Won't Understand or Change?The Marriage Corner: How Do We Get Through This?Preventing Unwarranted ConflictShould I be Worried?Should I Stay With My Girlfriend of 4 Years?My Boyfriend Saved a Picture of a Girl he Slept With in Case we Split up?Bipolar Girlfriend 55 Years OldIs He Changed???Lust or Love?Why Can't I Get Over It?My BoyfriendLlied to Me About His Ex.Missing My Ex-Boyfriend Terribly We Broke Up Because of His Mother.. I Had an Abortion. Having Suicidal ThoughtsAm I a Sociopath? Insecure DangerTrying to Reconnect With My ExWhat Is Intimacy, Exactly?Is She Ill?Why Does My Wife's Old Boyfriend Bother Me?Insanely Jealous HusbandHow do We Get Her to Accept Us as Part of The Family?Will my Boyfriend Eventually Hit me?I'm Cheated By My Girlfriend..... I Just Want to Die.....Can This Ever Change??Need AdviceI Think I Have Sexual Issue'sI Feel So Lost.Extreme JealousyScared and LonelyWhat Does he Have to Pay? And What Not?Sex Why do You Think my Boyfriend Left Our Relationship in This Manner?I Feel Like he Won't Ever Love me Like he Loves herHelp with a Histrionic FriendI am an 18 Year Old Mom Diagnosed With Severe Depression And AnxietyBoyfriend Still Acting Like a BachelorMiddle-Aged Female Never In LoveShe Doesn't Behave Like My Love Completes Her.Should I Be Hopeful That He Will Change His Mind About Divorce?Silent TreatmentI Want To Die!I Really Need Some Advice...How Can I Cope With My Husband´s Depression and Its Sexual Consequences?Am I Over Thinking This, or Am I Right?How Do I Handle This?Boyfriend My Husband is Too AffectionateWhat Should I do?Is it Really a Problem?Am I Not Normal!?Husband Abandoned MeBreaking up With Bipolar He's Distant. Is he Leaving me?My Boyfriend Saved Pictures of his Ex-Girlfriend on His Computer.Depression in College SeniorsMy Boyfriend and His Adult DaughterGuys Think I Am Too Much for Them to HandleWhy do Men Not Find Me Attractive?What Should I Do?RelationshipNever Been In a Serious RelationshipAm I Being Used?Sudden Separation After Loss of Father Am I In Danger?Does Being Drunk Bring Out the True Personality?VoicesHusband's Weight ProblemWhat to do?I Love Her, but I Want That Spark BackWhy do I Reject My Boyfriend's Son?Walking HomeIs She Mentally Ill?What To Do?How Can I Trust Again??My boyfriend is a SociopathWill I ever feel normal?Relationship Anxiety No romance after baby!Save my marriage!Sexual issues with husbandMy husband has left me for another woman. How do I let go?Help my son with his morbid jealous girlfriend, get him out.Anti social with accepting girlfriendRelationshipTransferenceDo you really ever 'Just Know' ? Anxiety In A RelationshipHow can I forgive my husband to save our marriage?How to deal with a pot smoker who uses it to cover mental problem - - Oct 23rd 2008how to ask if the pics are her?My husband has admitted he is an alcoholic...how do we healHow much guilt is normal?Unhappy MarriageTorn between two lovers, and scared of what I'll doTerminating Therapy after 17 yearsHelp with My HusbandNervous about nudityIs he crazy or am I?Boyfriend with APD - frustrated - Nelly - Jul 21st 2008Why does my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend have to be so involved in his life?Should I try to salvage this relationship?Dating a Psychologist and Feeling InferiorIs It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008Whyabuse survivorI never feel enough affection from my boyfriend. Am I obsessing? I think we got married for the wrong reasons.My partner of 6 years suddenly left with no explanation and has completely shut me and my kids out- EliseMy boyfriend doesn't seem to have gotten over his ex-girlfriendInsane JealousyBoyfriend's skeletons and friends' opinionsIs it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?Child jealous of moms relationship with her new husbandwife wants to seperate after 23 yrs.Husband in alcohol rehabMy ex-husband tells me he wants to be with me again but won't move out of his girlfriend's houseJealousy, Anger, Depression and Feardealing with demanding motherMy Wife is Depressed. Should I help her to Toughen Up or Just Be There for her?Engaged to be married but fighting. The wedding date has been canceled.Long Distance Relationship TrialsHe cheats on me. Is it my fault? So sick of this lying crap he puts on mewas this a contolling relationship, and why would I put up with it? Does my husband love his daughter more than me (his wife)?alcohlic husbandFeel like I'm trappeddating and the stigma of mental health.What\'s the matter?My girlfriend wants to stop being critical but doesn't know howFinally have a stable marriage, but having sex problemsA fighting coupleIt seems like I have to choose between my husband and my son!two intelligent adults who feel they don\'t have friendsShould I get involved?hard decisionMy OCPD husband can't tolerate my 'flaws'My Fiancee Can't Get Over His Late Wifewhat can i do?Just looking?Husband with erratic behaviorafter verbal abuseLoyalty or Love?Should I leave my husband?Very confusing relationshipDisbeliefwill my husband still love me after he comes out of major depression?Confronting A Marriage ProblemHow do I forgive and forget when my husband abandoned me?Other WomandivorceWho is my wife?How to move on with everything against you?The Catch 22 of Fear of AbandonmentLearning To Set Limitswhat am i afraid of?How to work out differencesAbusive relationship ever change?There are no guarantees when it comes to loveI compromised and gave inGoing through his thingsAdvice for my unhappily married friendHe's selfish, disrespectful and irresponsibleI have a crush on my husband's friendI cannot continue to live without affectionRegret my decision every single dayHe has hit me on a few occasions ...Lingering Feelings for my old affair partnerObsessed with the woman who is about to marry my exWife of 21 Years Has a BoyfriendHaving trouble letting go of ex-sister-in-lawI suspect that my husband is cheatingAbusive Older SisterExplaining Divorce To ChildrenWorking Mother Wants To Stay HomeAm I Just Deluding Myself?Attachment IssuesCraving AttentionEmbarrassed and Ashamed of My WeaknessShould I Just Be Alone For Now?Is Recovery Possible?Withdrawn WifeHusband Wants A DivorceBest Way To Deal With Verbal AbuseHelping My HusbandScared To Death NowDuty vs. FreedomGrieving All The TimeMarital Problems?Living With PTSDBosom BuddiesMaking ExcusesWhat Abuse Looks LikeAm I Wrong?Can You Help Me Save My Relationship?Marital StressOCD And a Lying HusbandHe'll Never Marry MeMs. DoubtfulBusted By A 5-Year-OldUnethical CounselorBad Health And A Bum HusbandMarriage ProblemsWhere Do I Go From Here?Frustrated and Sucked DryWhy Do I Provoke A Negative Attitude In Others?Depressed HusbandSerious ProblemsSlobby HusbandArranged MarriageRecognizing Verbal AbuseGrieving and CluelessMarital CrisisOne Side Of The StoryReader Comment #1Schizophrenia?Pornography # 2: Should I Go Or Should I Stay?Addicted, Immoral HusbandCan I Help My Wife With Depression?Online Gaming ProblemsFeels Like AdulteryJust Left My Abusive BoyfriendShould I Get Back Together With My Wife?Rites of Passage: Moving OnShe Won't Get HelpLost Person Struggling With Intimacy IssuesNo Compassion For DepressionAffair GuiltAlone TimeSeizures Interfering With LoveControlling HusbandHow Can I Help My Bipolar Wife?Affairs and Broken HeartsCan It Work?Dead-End MarriageSweetheart ObsessionWanting IntimacyDepressed HusbandAbusive WifeAdulterer's LamentRecovering LiarAlcoholic HusbandMarriage TroubleSpiraling HusbandCan't Make Someone Love YouCountering Type A With AssertivenessSuffering In The CountryUnhappy In An Arranged MarriageRocky RelationshipBipolar WifeSick HusbandInner RageDid My Husband Cheat?Married To A Control FreakScreaming And Cursing HusbandAbusive HusbandCar NutTorn Over ChildrenLong MarriedAbused WifeAlcoholic HusbandAffairBroken TrustI Want To Leave, But For The Children ...Dependent HusbandDepressed SpousePerfectionist HusbandIndependenceOffice CasanovaThe SecretaryNo Desire For Sex 1Some Short Ones First:Wanting That Magic BackControlling, Disabled HusbandMaxie the MoocherDrifting Apart?Is Divorce the Answer?Salvaging A MarriageExplosive AngerMental AbuseLying, Cheating HusbandMy Wife the PrisonerChaotic Family LifeLost TrustThe Grass is Always Greener...How can I save my marriage?Emotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?A Social MarriageCheating, Story No. 2,901Husband's Secretary Too Close?A VIOLENT MARRIAGESHOULD I BE AFRAID?Rocky MarriageRocky Marriage, Part IIThreatened by Suicide if I LeaveBa! Humbug! HusbandReconciliationFickle HusbandDoubting My Husband's SincerityI Can't Say No To My AffairMy Husband Lies To MeAttraction Outside the MarriageJekyll & HydeTrying To Save Our MarriageWhat Defines Marriage?Battling a Weight ProblemMy Snoring is Pushing Him AwayComing To Terms With Her AffairMarried for 2 MonthsMy Ex Is Moving On...Repeat OffenderDistantShe Wants to Have an AffairMy Wife's Past...He Says I'm Too EmotionalI Can't Let Go6 Years Is a Long TimeI Want to Leave My Husband for AnotherMommy's New BoyfriendBusy and WantingPre-Marital SexWorking it OutHe's Not HimselfSecret RendezvousI Can't Please My WifeJealous of My Fiance's FamilyMy Husband Refuses to Seek HelpI Can't TrustHonesty Isn't the Best PolicyDating My WifeAn Angry HusbandHe's So Angry...My Wife Wants Me to Leave...Unfaithful and UnhappyMy Wife and Her Sister...Hanging OnI'm Jealous of His ExMood SwingsDianne writes:Rob writes:Michelle writes:Parlante writes:Suzanne writes:bz writes:Carol-Ann writes:Laura writes:
Blog EntriesVideosLinksBook Reviews
Therapist Search
Find a Therapist:
 (USA/CAN only)

Use our Advanced Search to locate a therapist outside of North America.

Related Topics

Family & Relationship Issues
Homosexuality & Bisexuality
Dating

Ask Dr. SchwartzAsk Dr. Schwartz:
Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

Am I Being Used?

My boyfriend of 4 years had himself in legal trouble a couple of years ago and due to his record he has been unemployed ever since. Initially, I decided to take him into my house thinking that I can provide some help and insights, about resume-writing and job searching. I knew it was going to be hard but I never imagined how much. We are both immigrants - he from 20 years agoand I from 10 years ago. His family is also in the States for the last 20 years. I feel that I am doing all the work to get him out of his mess- felony DUI. I have ruined my car to drive him to appointments for counseling, probation and job interviews sometimes. I heve been payng the mortgage myself for over 3 years and I have maxed-out my credit cards. My salary is not big enough to cover everything. Next month I will go bankrupt.

I believe that drinking was deeply incorporated in his famyly life, as it is in our culture in general. I could not say this to his parents but I asked them to go to an AA meeting, hoping that a counselor there will explain to them their parental mistakes. Also, I was in the middle of my studies to get a job as a scientist and this process was greatly interrupted by his legal trouble and by the fact that my efforts are not respected by him or his family. None of them has a higher degree, as I do. So I am stuck in a huge financial crisis in a low payng job, huge expenses, and no financial support whatsoever from his family. His father decided to stop working immediately after reaching retirement age since he had difficulties interacting with others due to his foreign origins and possibly other cultural issues. So, he is not able to help. His mom is still working, but she pays for almost everything and also has a transplanted kidney. At the same time his sister married a very influential businessman in our country and she is doing great. 100,000 dollars would be a very affordable amount for her to loan when the family is in distress. The problem is that this possible help from her was once or asked for by my boyfriend and the outcome was that she said - "What ? Money? O, you are crazy! My parents are OK."

My boyfriend supported his parents greatly while he was still working. So, on top of everything I deal with motivating him to keep searching for work. He loses faith often.

I am driving enormous amounts to my now two low paying jobs, to his parents who don't show much initiative, studying with no moral support and eventually sleeping about 4 hours a day, worrying and being really angry at this entirely unreasonable family. I am begining to think that despite of all of my efforts I will end up miserably alone, broke and mentally not so well. I have talked with my boyfriend about these things but he just lets them go and just says that he doesn't expect help from his sister. I feel that his mother can change a lot of things only by asking her daughter for help but she hates her son in law and is unlikely to do so. I suggested it once and the reaction was close to, "No way." Also, I get this vibe that when they leave the U.S. in the next year or so they will drag their son with them under some pretext and forever. Then, he will have some freadoms he doesn' t have here.

I have realised by now that his mother has some very manipulative ways. In the middle of this she and her husband had the nerve to fly to our country for a month and go to Las Vegas on a cheap vacation. My boyfriend and I, we go fishing for 13 dollars per license.

Is there any way to deal with this situation? Do you think I should try to save my 4 year-old relationship and its huge emotional, intelectual and financial investment? I am tired and aggravated and I don't know if I want to see these people anymore. Shall I talk to his mother? If she really doesn't give a damn about our raltionship, as I suspect, she may use my insecurity against me to achieve permanent separation. This is why I also think that hiding my health state is crucial at this point. I have serious health issues that need to be examined additionally. Do I give up with this relationship and try to repair myself? I have second thoughts and bitterness about his family styles that wouldn't have become transparent had we not been put in this situation.

THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.

Disclaimer

  • Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.
  • Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.
  • Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

Follow us on Twitter!

Find us on Facebook!



This website is certified by Health On the Net Foundation. Click to verify.This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information:
verify here.

Powered by CenterSite.Net