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Elisa Goldstein, Ph.D.Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
A blog about mindfulness, stress-reduction, psychotherapy and mental health.

Past Loves and Facebook: To Connect or Not to Connect

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. Updated: Feb 19th 2009

mouse and heartsIn this ever increasing cyberspace we're living in, social networks are quickly becoming a very common way for people to find one another and connect. Whether it's MySpace or Facebook, it's fun to see what other people are doing and people are finding old friends and lost loves all the time. So what's the danger? How about those in committed relationships searching online for past loves? Can publicly socializing and flirting online be dangerous?

B.J. Fogg, editor of a book called "The Psychology of Facebook," says that you get out of these sites what you're looking for in them. If you're looking to find an old friend, you'll find them and if you're looking to fan old flame, you'll get it. In my own practice I've heard people finding past loves on Facebook who are currently in committed relationships and some of them begin a flirting/emotional relationship, and some don't. But one thing is clear; in some way, it inevitably gets in the way of the original physical relationship that is not in cyberspace.   

Nancy Kalish, author of the book "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance," says that most people begin looking for these lost loves fairly innocently, just for curiosity. In her estimation, these online romances pose the greatest risk to real-world relationships. If the person sought out online is a past love from the adolescent years that may be the greatest risk. Her argument is that it is these early years where we are biologically most prepared to mate, but we don't do this because socially we want to wait longer to settle down. This biological love connection we may have with another person is imprinted in our brain and makes the urge that much stronger when we become connected with them again. In other words, the urge is that much stronger to pursue infidelity.

Her advice is to make a rule to never contact old loves, understanding who they were is not who they are today.

The bigger question is, what is happening in a marriage or committed relationship to cause one or both people to search out for past loves online? Is it just innocent curiosity or is something maybe lacking in the relationship?

In my experience it's a little of both and it lies on a continuum. There is curiosity as now we have access to information and the ability to find people in a way that we never had before. That's pretty amazing. On the other hand, with my own patients, it's almost always the case that we've uncovered a disconnection in the relationship in need of healing.

What are your thoughts on looking up past loves through social networking? Innocent? Dangerous? Please share your thoughts and theories below as your additions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles and is author of the upcoming book The Now Effect, co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, Foreword by Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of the Mindful Solutions audio series, and the Mindfulness at Work™ program currently being adopted in multiple multinational corporations.

Check out Dr. Goldstein's acclaimed CD's on Mindful Solutions for Stress, Anxiety, and Depression, Mindful Solutions for Addiction and RelapsePrevention, and Mindful Solutions for Success and Stress Reduction at Work. -- "They are so relevant, I have marked them as one of my favorites on a handout I give to all new clients" ~ Psychiatrist.

If you're wanting to integrate more mindfulness into your daily life, sign up for his Mindful Living Twitter Feed. Dr. Goldstein is also available for private psychotherapy.

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

Not a great idea. - - Mar 20th 2015

I found an old boyfriend - my first boyfriend - from 20+ years ago on facebook back in 2013. I didn't want to date him, just wanted to know what had happened and how he'd been all of those years. We hadn't really broken up the first time around but simply fell out of touch. There were no cell phones or internet access back then. Anyway, he convinced me to date after about a month of messaging back and forth...

So, it turned out that he was divorced and had 2 children. A young son and a grown daughter. I accepted that. THEN, about 8 months into our relationship another one of his ex girlfriends found him on facebook. She has a kid that he fathered. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with them. That he was glad to know she was alive and well, but nothing to do..period. HE LIED. Not only was he carrying on with them on facebook but I believe he may have arranged to meet with them.

And guess how I found out the news? FACEBOOK. It is the great life ruining activity of our time. It's about a year and a half later now and we're still together but every time I see the activity between him and this ex girlfriend and HER daughter, it infuriates me. And it begs the question, if he was that irresponsible and promiscuous in his past, how do i know there won't be more that just turn up??

The whole thing sickens me. I wish I had never gone looking.

FB connect Don't do it! - Pandora's Box - Mar 18th 2015

I recently had a situation not dissimilar to this but would like to keep everything anonymous for the goodwill of all concerned. I fell back in love with my FTL on FB. The ending wasn't good I lost what I felt and still do feel was my best friend on FB and it hurts.  Nothing physical and I have never cheated on anyone though would have considered it for FTL only. FTL connection felt so strong, stronger than ever before @reconnect on fb, don't do it! - - Feb 16 2015. You sound like said person and I believe as you say you fall in love with the memories but they not based on the realities of today. It is the illusion you conjure up and maybe just maybe just being in love with concept of love itself when love was strong, fresh, new and true? I would like to here more of your story please? 

She found him after 19 years Face Book. - - Mar 10th 2015

She told me that she reconnected with her ex through facebook. I thought it's Ok if she loves me than it clicked me what happen to others that i know who reconnected with there past love. There life is ruin from both side husbend/wife divorce and at the end left with nothing, empty with full of depression. One of my neighbor she suicide cause humiliation from community kids and in laws. Made mistake her love left her also, she was left with no one, not even her on kids.

Lets see what happens…. So far my wife's morning starts with him and night end with him VIA TEXT and one phone call a day. Even she wake up middle of night, she has to text him. She is telling me that she is only chatting, she like it, but yet she loves me. She thinks that I am stupid but i am NOT! I warned her but now i am not getting in her way. I am letting her do what she desires.

I can not forget that last Valentine eve when she wished him via text ( he lives 7 hours ahead of us ) and i happen to saw that cause of my 4 year daughter (she wanting to play game in her phone). I did not tell her but waited for her to wish me at 12 midnight, now it 12:23AM valentine day so I when up in my room, she was playing with phone texting him, did say a word and wished her happy valentine day, kissed her but she know that i am mad some how even though she does not know that i have read her text backandforth corresponding with him. Later I told her at 2:30 AM when my older daughter came in my room to wish us. She also agrees with me but my wife in naive. I never check my wifes phone or purse EVER, it was a coincident.

Later I told her story and article in this page and told her about NEVER RECONNECT PAST LOVE STORIES and send her this link, she forwarded to her so call boy friend the link and later in days i happen to chat with him. The boy things he is good to his wife, kid and him self but i know he is a biggest lier. He is lying to himself and his family. Him and my wife are damaging both families. I bet if I talk to his wife and tell her what I saw, All the correspondings, songs and remembering old memories.... i will guarentee you his life won't be same thereafter. I don't know his wife but I know one thing no women tolerates another women in her life and have relationship with her husband, however, she is living in the dark and in a wrong impression about her husband. The guy thinks he is godish, religious, may be but both my wife and him are not thinking straight. When he came to knowledge that i know ever thing texting my wife that he is straight not scared and said a few words that i did not liked, so i nicely texted and connected which I don't have time for. I also did not like when he trying to teach me that he never check my wifes phone but I should check? Man who is wrong here flerting? Trying to make me look bad. I bet any price that his wife doesnt know all the correspondings which I have SAVED! doesnt realize the consequences.

Both are guilty both cheated their spouses. I AM A MAN HERE AND ALLOWING BOTH TO STAY CONNECTED IF THEY WISH!

I know my wife is just flerting and that is how she is, which is wrong. I also know that she is not leaving me, she already cried for it and sorried. She is humiliated about what she did but she still like to talk to him every day, morning and night but telling me that i am the only one she loves?

Today my 4 year daughter had a fever 105 degree so she woke up to give her medicine at 2:10 yet she texted him. than 4:50 am i woke up with her gave my daughter another medicine cause her fever was still 105 but she texted him again. WHAT IS THIS?

My wife is very pretty like me :), saw the guy is very ugly like monkey but love don’t see that!




She found him after 19 years Face Book.



True Love - Page - Feb 22nd 2015

In 1982 I started secondary school. I was eleven years old. My form tutor was in his 30's and I developed a playful crush on him over the four years that he taught me. Every day I felt love for him in an innocent and non-sexual way. I can remember the camping trip to Anglesey and how he wouldn't let me take my lilo into the sea and building sandcastles on the beach. I can remember every single word he ever spoke to me or sentence he uttered, for instance "Spell beginning Page please", before allowing me into the hall. I can remember every single smile he smiled, the way he used to sit in his chair and every other peculiarity and eccentricity he had, like those Jesus sandals he used to wear in summer. I can remember him making me run to the chimney and back if I was late for registration and little did he know that I would have ran it twenty times if he had asked. And then in 1985 I moved up to the fourth form which was situated on another site. I never saw him again, only in my imaginations, memories and dreams. I've missed him every day since but in a manageable way. I've never married or lived with a man but I have had 3 relationships that have taken up 20 years of my life and have resulted in two children. I have been single now for 5 years. I would not say that I have a mental illness and I have never suffered from depression. I have kept my first puppy love alive out of choice. I am a hopeless romantic and obviously a fantasist who lives in a dream world and this unrequited love of mine has been painful on every emotional level but also it has made me happy in a sorrowful kind of way. Every love poem, verse or valentines post that I have ever written or read has been centred on him. I have wondered about him my whole life and I have chosen him to be the love of my life. Anyway, it is 2015 ... and 30 years later I decided to see if he was still alive and kicking because I had another recurring dream about him, one where he is near but so far away at the same time. I found him on FB as he is still teaching at another school. I scoured through all of the music photographs and imagine my surprise to see a photograph of him in the orchestra at the Christmas concert and then even better a music video. I have been smiling from ear to ear and my heart has been rushing ! He has silver hair, he looks very healthy with pink skin. He looks well but may be older than I first thought. I have no idea of whether he is married or not. I have written him a letter and sent it to the school by way of recorded delivery. My letter is in very good taste but direct. "I want to see you again". It has been over two weeks and I have not heard a dickie bird. I do not know whether he will have read my letter as he is retired and he is only a visiting teacher. I will not send any other forms of communication. It is one chance. It is my ultimate dream to see him in person again and to ignite a spark. I am not eleven anymore. I am 43 and I am an attractive and educated woman. In time I want to kiss him in a passionate way and if he is too old to make love to me then I just want to comfort him if only for a night. Dreams do not always come true but we still have to have them. He is my first love. My heart, mind and body knows love. I have never asked anything of this love in all of this time but now I am going to try to collect something from it as I think is my due. Whatever the outcome my love will continue to rise up from the ashes like the Phoenix and it will never die. It will live on in my bones. It is Facebook that I have to thank for allowing me the vision of him again and for that I will be forever grateful. With regard to the post it is peoples intentions that are up for consideration. I will not cause any pain to this remarkable man, it is my intention to bring about a miracle of love in this sometimes sad world of ours. I did send him a Valentines card one day asking him to meet me in the pub, anonymously of course. I had decided to spill the beans but I didn't go because I knew the implications could ruin him as I was only sixteen at that time. I have not been at all selfish in my endeavour of him. He has always been in my prayers. This is what I would call true love. I hope that you do not think that I am insane because I can assure you that I am not. I am a good person. We only get one life, so love and do it honourably or not at all.




15 years too late - b.coles - Feb 22nd 2015

i dont know if its ok to contact someone from your past or not i think

you have only a duty to yourself to answer , im strongly thinking

about it now , is 15 yrs too late , and why do i feel it would be ok to

make this effort now , i dont want to upset anything but ,i have had

year to reflect on mistakes i made after leaving the uk and living

a mostly challenging ex-pat i[i know i hate the term too] existance the

funny thing is the ones you think of arent anywhere to be found so it

seems futile

Love - Share - Feb 19th 2015

Just one comment - Love is a choice, a decision.....

reconnect on fb, don't do it!! - - Feb 16th 2015

I made the all too familiar mistake of reconnecting with past loves on Facebook.  I'm in a comfortable but unhappy marriage and I'm completely unavailable to commit to another person due to the situation I'm in. It felt good to flirt and feel the way I did so long ago, but I was leading these girls on and it wasn't fair. Love? Yes, in at least one case I was and still am in love with one of these girls. Love has little to do with it. I think in most cases we are in love with memories, and remember,  memories are related to truth but they are not it's twin.  People change and they are never going to live up to our romantic ideals that exist in our fantasies and flawed memories.

39-years gone - dann90 - Feb 16th 2015

I am not sure how to even, begin to tell this story. At the end, it's Facebook, which may be the connection or death, of what I'm about to find out. 

In the begining, I was 5, our kindergarten years were a blur, to me now. Then came 1st grade, age 6, I had the most wonderful little blonde girl follow me around, and I had NO CLUE, she was so beautiful, it probably scared the daylights out of me, or I thought she may be an alien! Maybe my mother remembers the story better, because this little girl, also used to follow my mother around, with hearts in her eyes over me. Again, 6-years old and a clueless little boy, I was. By the summer, before our 2nd grade, all of the sudden she was GONE, her parents had moved to another part of the state, far away. I'll admit, I was BUMMED!

For 39-years, I've always thought about her. Why the sudden move, why no communication (Or maybe I think she did write me, once or twice?) At 43, I really don't remember, and those letters are far gone from history & my memory.

This past weekend, as Facebook land would have it, those I grew up with suddenly found me, very cool to reconnect, and rekindle a time in our lives, which we were some pretty lucky kids! Very close knit, away from the city life, in a world all our own, that was OURS! One of those life long friends, mentioned her, from out of NO WHERE.

No, there was no love, 39-years ago, we were too young. But was there something more, that still binds us? I absolutely believe in keeping the past where it is, in the past. We left those heartbreaks, where they needed to be, but this is entirely different. How it will play out? The others remembered, but will she? And then what? Nerves are rather on edge, as I write this, because I'm single now, it appears as she is too, still the beautiful little blonde of my childhood. 

Don't reconnect with a past love on facebook... - Beautiful - Feb 14th 2015

My advice to anyone who is seeking to find or rekindle love do not use facebook as a means to do this. In my own experience I did just that. I was in a really bad place in my life emotionally and numb. One night I accepted a friend request from an English guy was was really into me when we were both teenagers. Before I knew it, we were texting then talking and it went from there. I'm married and made him aware of this from day one. Yet he pursued the whole 'friendship' thing and I ended up being his therapist, mothering him and then piling all my energy into fixing him. As time went by I became more involved, against the advice of close friends who could see that my eyes lite up once I started talking about him; they worried for me mentally and emotionally. I didnt heed anyones advice, he made me feel great about myself, he befriended my husband and we arranged for him to come and visit. It was over 20 years since we had met and it felt over whelming to finally meet and embrace. I was back at 19 years of age and he told me he felt 17 again. The down side of this is, it has complicated my life. He reduced contact and then I stopped trying to reach out as I had done. I'll never really know if he was genuinely in love like he constantly protested he was. Was he in love with me? or a time? All I know now is, I feel right back to a time where I was searching to be loved and this re engaging of a 'lost love' brought all these old emotions up and has interferred with my present life and relationship with myself and my husband. I am in the middle of repairing this but I am on yet another journey that I didnt really need a this age in life. My advice to anyone in this position 'Do not seek' or 'Do not accept' friend requests for a past love. It will bring you heart ache and uncertainty.

My husband is romancing a girlfriend from 50 years ago - Judi - Feb 10th 2015

Last June my husband went online to search for an old girlfriend from 50 years ago. Stupid old man!  He and his lost love, Judy, have been having an online romance which he insists is innocent.  I have intercepted some of those emails and they are far from innocent. He hid the relationship for months.  There have been numerous phone calls, texts, cards and letters.  In one letter he discusses moving to California to be with her!  When confronted, he told me they were just words...that she means nothing to him...yet he refuses to stop the affair.  He got angry when I gave him the ultimatum it's her or our marriage.  They plan on meeting in Pa. in April when she visits family.  At first I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, that maybe she didn't even know that he was married, but she knew and it became clear that neither she nor he cared how I felt about their happy reunion.  How do I feel? Betrayed, demeaned, hurt, angry.  Anyone who is married and thinks that there is nothing wrong with reaching out to an old girlfriend or boyfriend is lying to their spouse and to themself.  The pain and stress that I feel is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

Back to reality - Judy - Feb 3rd 2015

To Connect or Not to Connect has been on my mind for the past few days, I would say termoil. Will or wont I... In the past few weeks reminders of my first and which i am excepting now a past love have been popping up, I have found old stored photo's and the memories have flooded back after 30 years. I have looked him up on FB, my heart melted to see his face and smile (although age has bestowed both of us) and I went back to a time and place that has done nothing less than make my heart sing. I have decided my first look on FB is going to be my last look. I really felt like I was intruding in his life and who am I to interfere if only with a message. The what if's are put to rest and I am now content that the women he married in 1983 is still the women he is married to now and it was not a rebound as I always thought it was.......  

Found out Ex Had Not Grown up at all - - Jan 27th 2015

I found my first love on FB after 35 years and was happy to see that his life seemed to have turned out well. He had several children and a successful business.  However, as I scrolled down his timeline, I was shocked to see that he had written something about me and several other of his ex loves-in public. He did not use our names, but he described each of our shortcomings and personality issues. It was very hurtful and I found myself outraged. 

I decided to send him some old pictures to see if I could engage him on the topic. He quickly friended me but surprisingly he was concerned that I was married. I had NO intention of cheating on my husband with him. but for some odd reason I was still happy that he wanted contact with me.

When I confronted him about the post he had written, he said "Pretty funny, huh?" He said that it was just a joke. He then ridiculed my feelings and told me to stop living in the past. He then talked about his problems and said that he would "piss on his wife's grave." He talked about his past love for me, then he unfriended me, which was a relief. I had grown tired of seeing half nude 20 year old women on my timeline and his juvenile, small-minded posts.

I wrote him a lovely parting note, much better than he deserved. I'm not sure why I looked him up to begin with. However,  I am grateful that I had the sense at my young age to dodge that bullet 35 years ago.

Cause and Effect - - Jan 12th 2015

Recently I discovered my boyfriend (of 10 yrs. and father of our 7yr old son) had added some random girls that I have never seen before. So naturally, I became curious and with further investigation found that he had also friended a woman that was and old "f**k buddy" prior to our meeting.  I tried to put it behind me and be the bigger person, but this particular woman stood out to me because he also still had pictures of her in a box in our garage that he had never thrown out (amongst all his other pics of past relationships, marriage and daughter...)  This particular woman also had moved on to become a stripper (as a career apparently) and seemed to have an extensive male fan list of men on her fb friends list.  Naturally, I checked her out to see who this person was that was drawing the attention of the man I had dedicated my trust, love and life to all these years.  So after realizing I could no longer handle the idea of her on his list I asked him to delete her and who these other woman are.  It blew up in my face and basically caused allot of emotional upset for me and between him. Everything from its my own issue get over it to Its me or her or move out... I have read all the stories and comments that people make about woman’s insecurities and blah blah blah, but regardless of what my problem is or why he is having her on his Facebook list, it has started a real life issue. Yes it can be a negative attribute to what was seemingly a normal relationship. Personally, I question her motives if she looked him up and certainly would gather that his old emotional fun time memories of her excited him to accept and act casual about it.  Its not an affair, but I think it put distance and distrust in what may have been a working 'normal' relationship before.


Reconnecting with first love - Jay - Dec 28th 2014

When I was 20, I had my first serious and summerlong romance. I had my first sexual experience towards the end of the summer, and shortly afterwards we drifted apart. There was no formal breakup, no huge fight. I went back to school, and assumed they were not interested after our first sexual encounter. We never talked about it. A few times in the next couple of years we saw eachother, but I did not get any feelings of interest, so I did not persue it. I went through a really really bad relationship around that time, and lost touch with my first love. Five years ago, my sister was contacted by my first love on facebook in an attempt to find me. By that time, I had been in a decent relationship for five years (now ten) and although we have ups and downs, nothing horrible has happened. It just feels like a comfortable old shirt that is there when you need it to be. For some crazy reason I decided to finally friend request my first love. At first the conversation started very innocently. They have been in a relationship for sixteen years (right around the time of our last face to face contact) and were married recently. We finally talked about our summer together. I was apparantly mistaken about many things. They thought I wanted to move on to better things. I was fairly attractive at the time, and I must have given the vibe off that I wanted to end things. We never communicated at all about what was going on. We were both very young, but old enough to build something slowly if we had talked. We talked for six hours on facebook and a little bit today. We both are still in love with eachother. I don't want to hurt the person I have been dating for the last ten years, and it is not a sexual desire thing. It is a have we been with the wrong people for twenty years thing. I have had so much stability and comfort for the last ten years, and I don't want to hurt anyone. My theory today is maybe we don't see eachother face to face, but have a facebook or email friendship. If either relationship ends, we can decide to go to the next step. Part of me feels robbed of the last twenty years of my life, but part of me feels settled and comfortable where I am at in my life now. I am glad that we finally talked about that summer, and I now know that it was a big misunderstanding. Part of my confusion now is that I lived through a very serious health issue this year (brain tumor that almost killed me prior to surgery) and was this year a wake up call to change my life dramatically now?  I wish I could find my answer easily, but I don't think it willl come. 

So messed that I looked up another one to forget other one - Wizcon - Dec 22nd 2014

Girlfriend 1 - She dumped me twice, broke my heart and married a rich techie for Green card, marrieed for 15 years and has a kid

I forgot about her but she adds my best friend as her friend so I keep seeing likes, I blocked her coz I went to peek at her pics and I kept burnig inside me - not sure what happened but I just couldnt stop thinking about her, I mean every 5 mins and why she couldnt be mine

So the above sounds normal for the rest - now get this, I was married 3 years after this and got divorced within a 1 year marriage, she really loved me a lot and I though it wouldn't work out and at 1 time just wanted her off my back as I was dealing with other issues but then 1 day she called and said I need a divorce, our goodbye was outside a subway with a small hug. I had her email pwd and 2 years later I read a comment she fell in love with some guy, I burnt inside bad at that time - 2 years after that I saw her on FB with some guys pics ( I couldnt take it, and blocked her ) , then afer that nothing now - to forget the 1st woman in para 1, I had to look up m ex-wife after unblocking her to forget about the 1st one, now I see she has a gorgeous 6 year old, something she said she wanted from me - now I am in more mess. I was drunk and wrote to her that her daughter looks great and not inturing in her life, left my email and phone. She would have heard from me after 10 years, I felt bad after few hrs and tried to block her again but couldnt as FB doesnt allow to reblock for 48 hrs so I deactivated my account, She hasn't called or emailed me - but I feel all stupid, I hurt myself and not sure how she must have seen it. I feel deeply hurt eitherway as I am all lonely - ( few circumstances in life got me here ) and now been with anyone for last 12 years

15 years and I still Love Her ... - - Dec 18th 2014

I wrote earlier about still being in love with someone besides my wife 15 years later. 

I'm confused by my feelings at times, as I see others on this group are, whether you are the one in love or with someone who you found out is still thinking about someone else.

I find my lingering love in no way diminishes how I feel for my wife. It's confusing, I know, and probably explains the confusion I often find myself experiencing. 

Can a person love two different people? apparently so, do I wish I had decided 15 years ago to stay with my love? often i do. 

so, unfortunately there is no easy answer to this, and I will likely go to my grave with these feelings still burning within.

as a side not, I saw she had changed her FB profile pic recently and it melted my heart, she is still so very beautiful!


just hurt.... - - Dec 18th 2014

When you travel over 1800 miles away from your family and live in a very different setting compared to what you are used to..another words your life changed from knowing everyone to knowing no one..praying for a better life...well it hasn't worked that way..since moving I've been through so much with his children..and very surprised that I'm still sane...well one day I had to use his phone and saw he's been searching on Facebook of a past love..he claims prior that they never had sex..when we first got together and I did ask him are you sure you don't want to be with her? He said no...if that's the case why is it he's looking her up? Yes they are friend on Facebook.. OK? If she post something fine..but why do a search?? I find its very hurtful..disrespectful.. And now I'm doubting everything...

Most painful - - Nov 24th 2014

found this forum mainly because I was looking for consolation after I got myself into the biggest mess of my life with a past love. However, after reading stories posted here I realized how similar they all are. Here is my story.

My first love wrote to me last year on social media. We have a very long and difficult past, and our last break-up was very painful for me. Right now we both live on different continents. Somehow I got over him, sometimes I would remember him, but very fast the memories of him would be tainted by the memories of pain that he caused me and I would quickly stop thinking of him. I did not search for him on social media and did not know anything about his new life. All of a sudden, I have a letter from him. He told me that he got married but is going through a divorce right now. He could not get me of his mind all these years. He has been following me on social media, and that is how he knew that I was married, had a child and recently took a trip to our home town. His wife caught him several times on my page, and, as he told me, their major fights were always about his obsession over me. He asked me if I would allow him to see me, even for 5 minutes, as he cannot live without making it a priority to see me.

At first I was strong. Oh, how it flattered me to know that he suffered from missing me! Karma was paying him back for all the pain he has caused me. I told him that I could never stop loving him, but he is my past and I’ve moved on and I do not want look back. I quickly blocked him right away on Facebook… but then just as quickly unblocked him. I don’t know how it happened, but all of sudden I started to constantly check my phone for his messages – first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We would do video-calling every day, secretly from our spouses. At home, I started hiding my phone, hiding myself in a bathroom to text him, hiding my constant need to check my Facebook page. I became very snappy with my husband, seeing all his faults and mega-multiplying them. Although I always considered myself to be deeply in love with my spouse, now I started to hate him – for being in my life and preventing me from my true love and the happiness I could achieve with him. I became emotionally unfaithful. Our communication was flirty at first, and then it would become more of an explicit nature.

When I saw him, I felt a very strong connection to him. I felt that I spent my life with a wrong person, and here is my true love, this is what it feels like to truly love someone, there is no doubt he would make me the happiest woman. I told him that I would divorce my husband without any second thoughts so that we can be together as a family. Except, he did not want a family with me. He told me that he is not ready for another marriage and does not know when he will be. Although he needs me in his life. Although he will never meet anyone better than me. Although I am his dream girl…. BUT HE HAS NEVER FELT LOVE IN HIS LIFE!


I spent many of my days thinking about this situation. It scares me that I almost destroyed a perfectly good marriage with my husband. It scares me how I let emotions rule over my logic. He has caused me pain once, why did I allow him to hurt me again? I regret seeing him, but at the same time I don’t. I know that I needed closure after he left me hanging post breakup. I know that I honestly tried with the best intentions, and it did not work out. At least I can close this book right now. My advice to those in similar situations – do not destroy what you’ve built all these years in a process of chasing a fake dream that will dissipate as soon as you open your eyes. Thank you for all who shared their stories here. They helped me open my eyes. 

15 years and I still Love Her - - Oct 30th 2014

I've never written about this and am hoping it'll help me just to write about it. I've been married 22 years and have 3 great kids. However about 15 years ago I fell in love with a woman at work and we had a relationship that lasted nearly a year. Of course I told my wife about it and a decision had to be made. Even though my heart and soul cried out for my new love I decided to stay in the marriage for our children. The breakup with my new lover was ugly and we havent spoke since.

thing is, 15 years later, I still think of her everyday! She still holds such a big part of me I often consider writing her (I found her on FB) and telling her my real feelings. When we were together we even talked about her waiting until my kids turned 18, funny thing, she hasnt married and it crosses my mind often to leave my wife and go back to the one I truly love.

another thing is me and my wife do get along great and I do have some genuine feelings for her but I think back to my other love and how I felt with her the way I have never felt before or since.

I know I still love her, so very much, especially after all these years of not seeing her I know its genuine and I'll probably go to my grave holding onto this love for this person. 


I discovered my wife of 20+ years has been searching on Facebook for someone she cheated with when she was my girlfriend.  She denied cheating at the time, but I eventually figured it out myself.  Although she never admitted cheating (it’s not in her to admit anything), she has expressed regret at her actions and blamed in on being young.  However, it seems to me the only regret was almost getting caught all those years ago.  For me there is no justifiable reason for searching for him other than a sense of longing or regret over missing out on him; why would you be searching for a mistake.  WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK??? 

Messages flowed, status updated - Dreamer - Part 4 - Oct 10th 2014

Some people help us understand why so many authors and poets have written about love and relationships. After exchanging a few messages and learning the person who inspired the deepest love I'd felt was happily married and soon to be a grandmother, there came a peace. The nagging question of her status was answered as was some questions I'd never asked. Being a caveman, unenlightened in the world of emotions, clarity came when those authors and poets words sank in. Love, as splendid as it is, might never have the happily everafter that has been painted in fairy tales. I knew love.

Reconection trap - - Sep 3rd 2014

   I met my husband 2 weeks after he arrived for his A school in the navy, My father had died nine months before and I moved with my mother from the Long Island sound area, I married him the day after he graduated C school, Then watched him as he disapeared into an aircraft to take him to sea for the next 3 and a half years.

   When he was discharged there were family, commuity and career problems, that were never solved. Admitted that I allowed myself to be used by his father and his friends, because they felt that my husband was to big and dangerous, with the ability and seniority, to disrupt thier family's lives when he came back, so I was asked to make a promise of a normal marrige in the future if he would not use the seniority rights to take the shifts, jobs, vacations, or refuse the weekends and holidays he did not want to work. the problem is that once a promise like this is used it can never be recinded, I could see as the years progressed the anger that built toward me, i saw the resentment every holiday or vacation or weekend he wanted to take of as his father and others would scream at him about being a man and just shut up and do as told. I went on vacations by myself, but after 16 years of this my husband did lose his way, He had a brain surgery, He was badly mistreated after this surgery because he was supposed to take 60 days off for recovery, he had six.

The two months after he went back to work things became terrible, He took a new job in a new plant with the blessing of the national union, THe local, his father and the community wanted it to go to a much younger man whoes father was a county commissioner about to run for US senator.

My husband took the job over everyones objection including the night before the bid came down, Every peacful solution had been tried. I promise to normalize our bed room life if he took his name off, He told me to drop dead,His father tried reasoning with him about how this young man needed certian times to help his fathers campeign. This did not impress my husband in the least, When the young man and three friends showed up the night before. i locked my husband out of the house so these men did not have to talk to my husbands back. i saw them attack my husband and I saw the savage counter to thier attack, My husband used combat arts training to put all four into crittical care, his father asked why he just could not back down and after that his father and friends decided to get my husband to be agreeable they had to use firearmes. To get him to do what they wanted. I have to say my husband did show great restraint through this period. He could have disarmed and killied any of them at any time. He has proved this three times in the last year.

Also in the last year and a half i was contacted and got together with my old Boy Friend from 34 years ago. I had been only with men for short periods while my husband worked, I thought that with my husbands defiance the the MRSA in his Spine the rehab and his anger it was not possible to allow a normal marrige to even startwithout him just telling every one to drop dead, he still was not forgiving me for locking him out of the house 14 years before, That night he tore the front door out frame and all and told me if i did that one more time he would send meto the hospital in the same condition because he would consider me an enemy combatant.

He caught me and in what was goig to be a talk about what was going to happen My old boy friend made a bad error, He swept my husbands cane putting him on the floor. Then laughing and calling him pathetic. My husband destroyed him, Fractured his scull, told his wife, told his employer that they needed to check thier employee out to see how much he used for client expense entertainment, he was fired.

My husband was placed in a stress center for anger managment for two weeks because the police found him in a rage situation, because my BF had swept his cane they said this still was Castle doctrin, I was not expecting the center to release my husband for another week so when his father asked me to accompany a friend to a political funding dinner I agreed. I just finished getting ready when my husband was standing in the door, He asked where I thought I was going I told the truth, that i was doing his father a favor by going with his friend who just was served divorce papers and could not ask his wife, My husband said he did not care what his father or his friends wanted that they no longer mattered, He said I was going to pay attention to him alone that evening and night, He went on to say that The way he saw it I owed 31 years of marriage and everyone owed 31 years of life back to him, especialy his father. I knew That he intended for me to live up to promises i made over the years that night. I begged that his fathers friend had paid 1500 apeice for these passes I begged and promised, thatI would meet anywhere he wanted even at the door of the event after words and we would talk things through. He said the note is due now. I took for the door and my husband said i payed for this it stays, and ripped my dress off, I backed back intthe living room and begged please not like this. my husband took his rights as a husband. when he finished he said go ahead and claim abuse, I have a few charges myself. his fathers friend heard me crying, and when my husband answered the door he tried to punch and force his way in. my husband threw him off the porch face first into the cement drive. right in front of his arriving mother and father. His father crying put his friend into the car and took him to the hospital, my husbands mother came in to comfort me and started geyting the whole story of what happened over the last 31 years. she just about knocked my head off, When we heard his father yelling at my husband he was never going to decide what rights he had again, he would be told what his rights were like a man. His mother went out and, told my husbands fatherto shutup. He said we can't let him think he has rights. and sheslapped her husband and told him to shut up., She then said we are leaving and you wont say a dam word abut how you ruined your sons life.

   All brcause i got a burr under my rear about and old love. Things have becomevery dangerous. My husband will not alow anyone to step on what he feels are his rights, weather it is good manners or not, His father wanted him to leave before a cookout on memorial day. It was the first holiday my husband was not in a medical facility or at work since 1978. His father said we have traditions he was never included in. He even offered 200.00 to go away until he was called home, It just about was feed to him and my husband said bite me.. I did not say a word and my husband stayed. His father invited his friend and my husband stayed clear of him until the end of the cookout, his father made reservations every holiday at a club for after party drinks. I usualy accompanied a friend of his fathers since my husband was at work, he worked 16 hour shifts on holidays. to allow the maximum number of people off. we never forgot were he was, We would take sandwiches from the holiday meat to him but he was highly resentful of the fact he was not getting any time off. In thirty one years he only had six days off all around the brain surgery. on memorial day at the end of the cookout his father handed a reservation ticket to his friend and i was to go with him. My husband was told he had to stay home. His father said i told you there were things thatyou arenot a part of. My husbandgrabbed his fathers friend and took the ticket from himn the said scram before you go back to the hospital to remove your arm from your rear. He left real fast, His father was livid, His mothersaid I think pigs are going to fly to the rest of the shocked guests, His fatersaid after this last 14 years we are tired of your lip and taking rights we did not allow. When he slapped my husband it was like slaping a granit block. he broke two fingers doing it. My husband did not even flinch. He just looked at everyone and said what in gods name gave you the right to tell me what rights I have. You have not since I left for army, after my junior year. He look at his father with the same look he had when he destroyed my old BF and the four men in 2001. I saw my husbands fist ball up and his father flew through the air across the kitchen  sliding on his rear. My huisband said picking his father up off the floor, he was not going to accept any more interfereance from him or his friend. as far as he was concerned they were bugs to be steped on. and threw him down on the porch. there has been one more attemp at exerting authority on my husband. Two men held him at bay with pistols while his father got me to go for a conversation with out my husband, He recorded the whole sequence and found us at a resteraunt geting breakfast. the waitress just put dow the orders when my sister in law screamed and the redoak and peuter cane came around laying the faces of his fathers goons open in front of his mother, sister. her husband and the two goons wives. My husband kept his word, He would not accept any more interference from his father and friends, he wants everyone rear in a sling with him at the controls, When I tried to claim abuse he just handed 32 years of journals I wrote over, I was told to go ahead and make the claim of abuse because i exorsized my marital rights, but lets see what they have to say about what you and my father did. The DA said I can claim spousle rape. but he had his legal representitive for womens rights look at your journals, She says my husband has a very strong case on three charges. The states charges are marital extorsion, and marital fraud, the federal charges apply to more than just you, They are consiracy to deny civil rights and maintaining and indentured servant through threat and cohersion. The total time for all three charges he can level is over a hundred years. The total he might get is maybe a day after reading your own journals.

So If you get in touch with an old boy friend you better make sure every thing is open and above board, Take your husband along, There will be some tenstions but dont let it end up like my marriage has, I don't try and refuse my husband now. I have even move 1200 miles west to a very remote area. I did get pregnant in a late life pregnacy. It ismy husbands son. My husbands mother according to my sisterin law sits looking at the pictures of her grand son, my sister in law sais that she ihas gotten into some terrible fights with her husband, about how she can't even hold her grandson because of him. His faher remains angery about what he calls my husbands rebelion. Said he should have just taken it in silence like a man.

My old BF went home to his wife, She met him at the door with two suitcases, divorce papers and a softball bat to the face.

My mother says that i desearved everything I have recieved.


Over 35 years later, he found me - Deborah - Sep 1st 2014

I was married for 33 years, and am seperated now until our divorce in a year. My husband, 55 years old, left me without so much as a word as to why, that he was unhappy or any apology to me.

While I know now the true character of this man, and realize I stayed far too long in this marriage. I am healing and moving on with the second part of my life. You can't change the past, but learn from it.

It has been a year now since he left, and when I logged onto Facebook one morning, I had a message from an old boyfriend from NY that I dated 40 years ago. He told me that he wanted to reconnect with me, and even tried to find me while I was stationed in the United States Navy in 1982, but missed me, due to my being trasferred back to the states from Hawaii.

The guy now writes to me, texts, me, and calls too, and lives on the east coast  in SC, and me on the west coast in Bellingham, WA. I\\\'m not sure what to make of this, but am definitely taking it all very slow, as I am not the same \\

First love has cancer - - Aug 23rd 2014

My first love contact me thru facebook at first I didn't response, but then I receive another friend request then message. That he just wanted to say Hi! And that he was walking dead man. He has cancer and he has 6 months to live. I told my husband and said answer his message, I did. We have been talking or communicating a lot about old times and our families. I told him that love my husband And my husband was soul mate. he asked me to stay in contact with him because I made him laugh. I am so tored for some reason I feel obligated to stay contact, but I also know what outcome is going to be. i am in medical field and I know he going to have a hard difficult dead and it will break my heart. 

 One thing on bucket list is to have lunch with me.



Painful yet incredible! - C&J - Aug 9th 2014

Well, I all honestly I've walked this path. Reconnecting with my very first love from age 14. It was a relationship that never had the chance to get off the ground as I believe we are both to young. We meet up in 2010 a couple of times and it was one of the most incredible experiences I've could ever imagine However, it was exceptionally heartbreaking when he left to know I'd never see him again. The goodbye kisses and tears we're so overwhelming and the hurt iincredibly painful. I don't regret this, however sometimes I truly wish I had made the choice to not open pandoraa box as it's so heartbreaking to know this person is only going to be a memory and you can never hold them again. i suggest to anyone considering this, let it go! Don't go there! 

Dont let old flames find you - Patrick M - Jul 14th 2014

I recently got a call from old freinds, one of which was my first girlfriend from highschool.  Her friend found me through social media.  They asked me to meet them for a drink.  It had been over 20 years.  I did not think it would matter and it might be fun.  We met, had a few drinks and talked about old times.  But my old flame looked so beutiful, I began to feel like I did when I first met her when we were young.  Afterwords, I felt really bad and missed her so much. It was just a terrible heartbreak because I felt so bad about the fact we never got married after dating for nearly 5 years and she had married a successful lawyer and had two beautiful kids.   I say NEVER let old flames find you - run, dont walk from such reconnections.   

THE VERY FIRST LOVE - Lewis - Aug 29th 2013












There is no ticket to the past. - AlwaysDreaming - Aug 28th 2013

The reality is, there is no way to go back in time. What you get is just an illusion of the past, a mirage that somehow gets imprinted in your memory and soul. It's kind of similar to the sensation that is felt when you remember a particular aroma from the past. You get the vivid memory of that aroma, but what is causing it, isn't there anymore.

I am hopeless romantic. Even though I am married, I've have looked in FB for a couple of girls I was in love with when I was younger. There is a part of me that wanted really badly to experience again the magic of those early times in my life. When you find that person it feels like magic, specially if you confirm that feelings were mutual and there was a special connection with him or her. Now, if you take it any farther you might realize that you and that person is perhaps pretty much the same in their core, but the reality is that the experiences that come with time reshape and redefine us quite a bit.

I found this girl from 5th grade I really liked, and immediately we started exchanging emails and chatting for hours about how much we liked each other and how feelings from childhood were re-emerging. I won't get into details, but all I can say is that we went through a period of extreme attraction as well as gilt and stress (she was married too).  After the euphoria was over, each one went back to their respective lives. Now we barely speak to each other. If you asked me, it would have been much better to leave memories intact and not ruin them with the complications that come with adulthood.

With this, I am not saying that is not possible to find that love from the past to discover that that person, is the real love your life - but that rarely happens. Unless you are talking about Hollywood movies.

An opinion on lost loves - Roberta - Aug 20th 2013

A few years ago I received one of those, “I thought it was about time I said Hello” messages on FB. “Wow”, I thought, “fancy that! I've only just joined, and my first love from 30 years ago has found me on FB!” My heart is thumping, and I have a strange feeling of butterflies. My hands shake as I type back a reply; “I'm married, with children. What about you?” A private message back says, “I'm separated, for the final time this time. I see you're still as breathtakingly beautiful as you always were!” My heart has leapt into my mouth, and all of a sudden, the memories come flooding back with tsunami like force. I pause in front of the mirror. 'Breathtakingly beautiful - STILL'? I try to recall a time when my husband of 15 years ever uttered those exact words to me...mmmm. I'm so flattered, I can barely sleep.

Next morning, I open my laptop. He has sent me a photograph of a very young two of us, with a single line, “After 35 years, you're still my number one! Xxxxx”. We exchange email addresses, and he sends me more photos of himself in his younger days. There is so much to catch up on. I tell him my life story, and sensitively enquire about his current predicament. I'm happily married, but boy, am I flattered that he says that he has never stopped thinking about me, and that he has never loved anyone as much as he has me. His love life, according to him, has been awash with tragic events that could not have been foreseen. My heart breaks. I'm overcome with sadness that he's had such a rough deal in love. We exchange more emails. I prod for more details about his past marriages, but my efforts of enquiry are pushed aside with how much he has missed me all these years and the great lengths he has gone to in trying to find me. In his words, “The past has brought us to this beautiful moment, and I'm cherishing every moment of being reconnected with my dream girl. Until I found you again, my life has been grey, and dull. I am so blessed to have you in my life, even though we are on opposite sides of the world. I'm sending my thoughts and energy out to the universe so that we may physically be together again”.

Suddenly, I am looking at my husband with different eyes. His 'flaws' become major issues for me. We start to bicker and argue more. I am comparing him constantly to my ex (it was never a problem before). He can do nothing right. I start to share this information with my ex who I'm now in contact with six hours a day through text and email, secretly. My sole reason for getting up in the morning is the reward of a surrupticious message in my inbox or phone, filled with words of love and a future bright with happiness I never thought possible.

Five months later, I leave my husband and take our children. My husband is devastated. I convince him that my ex is merely the catalyst for what was going to be an inevitable separation anyway, and that our marriage has been on the rocks for years. I even believe it myself!

Remember, my ex and I were living on different continents. It was when he proposed to me, that I made the decision to leave my husband. I thought it was real. I moved out, and as soon as I did that, he became distant, but 'still there'. I unintentionally began to chase him. I didn't understand how a person would promise something, and that future plans could suddenly become something unspoken. I became suspicious. I learned that he'd reconciled with his second wife when he contacted me. I learned also that his second wife was his affair partner. I learned also, that he'd poached his first wife from a man she was about to marry.

I brought things to a grinding halt when I discovered that he had contacted another of his flames on FB. And would you believe it – they hadn't been in had contact for 22 years!!

Some months later, I heard through the grapevine that she was leaving her husband of 20 years (she is on another continent to my ex also). Originally, my ex tried to explain away my paranoia by saying that they had always been the greatest of friends despite their 22 year gap in communication. The reason for that gap he put down to her husband's 'unreasonable' demand that his 'intimate' relationship with his wife was not healthy for their marriage.

I put two and two together, and made the bold decision to contact her husband. He had no idea that his wife was back in contact with this guy. I asked him to check her cell phone records as proof, and lo and behold, there were literally thousands of texts between my ex, and his wife.

I don't know what I expected, but this man was so utterly grateful for the information I'd given him. He was, up until I contacted him, completely lost to why his wife was suddenly leaving him. They'd had marital problems, just the same as anyone who has been married for years and years. But, this guy was now under the allusion that he had been and was a complete ogre in his relationship with his wife; because, like me, once Prince Charming came along, and put words of sweet love back into my head; I put all the blame on my husband's inadequacies, and non of the blame onto myself for our mutual failings in communication, and respect. It is the grass is greener syndrome.

Really, you know, in my opinion, there is no such thing as a lost love. I truly believed it once, but I have realised that it is a only the alluring memory of youth. A desperate yearning to go back in time. It can be an escape from reality, or an anwillingness to face the real world, and one's self. It can be an inability to let go of the past – seeking validation, or closure – bacause our life is so seemingly devoid of happiness. So we look to the people in our past, a time when we were happier, and thus create our own drama all over again. It becomes a cycle. Instead of making new opportunities, we scrape the barrel and dredge up the past as if that is our only salvation.


Reflection - - Aug 16th 2013

It is interesting as last night I was contacted by a past lover and friend, who was on and off through my life in my 20s and 30s. He lived in another country and we would connect a couple of times a year through a business network we both belonged to.  If we were both single we would be together and it was a very comfortable natural connection.  

Nearly 10 years ago he married and I met his wife as a friend and she and I got on very well but he started acting strangely and defensively even though he introduced us and was totally honest with her about our past.

It was clear he loved his wife to be but also had strong feelings for me still so I just let our friendship dissolve into history.  Last night after 5 years since our last contact as just friends, he called me .... the reason being we are still linked on facebook.  I rarely go on facebook but like it to connect with old friends across the globe.  He saw a post and checked out my wall and then called a mutual friend to get my number.

I have to say the first thought in my head was that he must be having problems in his marriage.  we talked and laughed of an hour and caught up on each others lives.  He asked me to stay in touch and if I ever needed help in any way to come to him.  That I was a special person in his life.  He was reflecting that had I lived in his country we would have been married.  This made me smile to my self. He never asked me if I would have considered moving to his country. He just assumed it was too big a thing to ask.

For me it was lovely from the ego to know he still cares and thinks of me and that was a lovely wee gift.  Will i maintain the friendship now?  For me, the chance of us is part of history and i don't have those feelings any longer.  I have  a great fondness for him because of our history.  I will probably send a card on a birthday but will not make the effort to call or connect.  I don't want to stir things up for him and his family and if there are problems in the home stead, that is for him to sort out with his partner and not appropriate for me to come into the mix.. even as a friend.

I don't think most men get in touch again unless they are missing what they think they had with you in thier existing relationships.  What they think they had with you is fantasy or it would have been you they choose at the time.

I don't think there is a right and wrong, I think it depends on the intentions and motivations for getting in touch.  If it is from a genuiness fondness because there was also a friendship and both parties have moved on with their lives then it can be a friendship but if either party is needing healing or missing something in their lives they are really coming to ask you for help to heal them and that is not your role as a past lover, that is theirs to do for themselves.  It will only lead to trouble.

ex-girlfriend's contacting my husband...why? - Kate - Aug 15th 2013

My husband and I met and married approx 6 years ago while in our early 30's.  Naturally, our pasts included ex-lovers, crushes, and friends of the opposite sex.  When we opened our Facebook accounts, we had a couple of rules: no past sexual partners, no people with serous sexual chemistry, and no unrelated unmarried people of the opposite sex.  This was to keep things uncomplicated.   I also blocked my ex boyfriend whom I dated for close to 10 years before meeting my husband.....In the past 3 weeks, my husband received 2 friend requests from ex-lovers, relationships that lasted about 1-1.5 years each.  My husband's Facebook is open and when I saw the requests, I asked my husband to briefly tell me who these (married!) women are.  When I learned who they were, the first though that crossed my mind is why would a married woman contact a married ex-lover 10 years later? It's obvious that the relationship meant not very much since neither kept in touch otherwise...why now? 

I am in love with my husband and I want my husband to feel like he is the only man who's ever touched my body.  I'd never dream about contacting an ex-lover. Never!  Out of respect for my amazing husband, me, and out of respect for my ex-lovers' wives. Period!
So here is my thought,  if you are a (married or unmarried) woman or man seeking to reconnect with a married ex-lover via Facebook or otherwise, develop some self-respect and honor yourself by not showing how desperate you are to be validated by an old flame.   It's grossly pathetic (and pathological) to try to make yourself relevant to a married ex-boy/girlfriend or ex-spouse.  You do not belong in this circle.  Your "friendship" is completely useless and unwarranted! 
PS:  One of the two women who contacted my husband is married with 2 small kids.  I feel that she is connecting out of nostalgia and some self-esteem problems which can so easily take over an exhausted mother (trust me, I know). My husband simply blocked her.  The other woman seemed to be just a big trouble maker (my husband told me a few things about her before we got married), so this "lady" got a piece of my mind before being blocked.... Ladies, our marriages need to be protected.  Some women need to be put in their places! 

Be straight forward to unwelcome invitations to reconnect - - Aug 14th 2013

I had an old boyfriend from 40 years ago contact me through facebook. He wanted to apologize for something and had a question to ask me. I hadn't thought of him much through the years and had moved on a long time ago. I was 14 he was 16 and we had a two year relationship which I ended. I gave him my email and phone number feeling obligated to respond. He was a controlling, possesive guy back then and I felt that control creeping in again. We finally had the phone conversation, which I arranged during my lunch so I would have a reason to go. He wanted to know if he could have said anything diferent to keep me back then, putting me on the spot. I felt trapped and controlled. He apoligized for something I have only a faint memory of. If I had it to do over again, I would have said I'm happily married and I have no desire to reconnect with you in the very beginning. Done, overwith. You have no obligation to \\

nostalgia of dead times - - Aug 12th 2013

the combination of curiosity and problems with a current relationship is not covering it. A different aspect of the matter is the of youth, its feelings and perspectives.  From the distance of today things may appear to have been marvelous; however, analysing things closer it probably wasn't that great after all.

People go back to places hoping to find the times associated with the life in those places. Although places may have not changed, the times are long gone, dead. They only remain alive in the individual who lived them. Do not regard the nostalgia of those past times as a wound to lick and feel sorry for yourself but look at it as a blessing, a gift of your mind that brings back the memory of sights, sounds, smells and feelings. This allows you to go back in time for a short while and relieve those feelings [little gems of happiness that you can access inside yourself when life sucks and you need them]... but get out of it without making judgements of  'what if'. True, people change, you changed as well; what's even more important is that you, the one of today wouldn't be able to live those moments the same way your younger self did.  The risk of rekindling those feelings is to lose everything for the sake of consciously ignoring reality [which for the mature mind is not the same with living the illusions of the youth], i.e. you lose the place where you can fall back to together with biting from the apple of knowledge, ceding to the temptation of the serpent of curiosity.

so I'd say, don't make rigid rules about not contacting past loves but be realistic of what you can expect and, perhaps more importantly, why you do it [boredom shouldn't be a serious reason in this case...] 

Lying is deceit is cheating - Seth - Aug 11th 2013

I have not got an issue with my partner friending exes so long as I am kept in the loop. If its kept secret I figure there is a reason. I found out about a secret online friendship with an ex of hers, she then lied about it and I realized if she had to lie, no matter whether anything physical ever happened, I had been deceived and she was a cheat. I left the relationship. Two kids, together 15 years. When trust is gone, it's time to move on. Not claiming the marriage was perfect or she wouldn't have done it but like I said, there are better ways to lose a lover 

Truth of the Matter - Whit - Jul 25th 2013

After reading stories, the blazing issue standing out is that there are a ton of trust and communication issues between spouses.  If the nature of the connection on Facebook is innocent, then spouses should be able to tell each other about the 'friendship' with the ex.  Relationships between spouses should be open with no 'hidden boyfriends or girlfriends.'

If the intent is to be solely friends with no hidden agenda, spouses should be okay with that.  I've remained friends with some exes on Facebook who my husband also knows.  However, I have found that being a 'friend' with my first love has been virtually impossible (pun intended).  There are too many unresolved feelings, not to mention that everyone has paled in comparison to him in those young love/passionate moments that equate to many scenes in \\

Social media caused start of an affair - Cheated - Jul 23rd 2013

I happened to catch my husband starting an affair with an old high school friend.

Facebook sends emails when messaging, I had noticed a huge increase in Facebook updates between them,via the emails received. 

Then one of the emails contained some questionable messages between them. So I looked into it and they were talking about missing each other, etc. 

I confronted him Monday night. He admitted that he had met her a few times, but they had only kissed/hugged, supposedly no other physical contact. I asked him to leave or end it with her now. He said he wouldn't call her, said he couldn't do that to her and it was late. She is also married.  He sent a facebook message to her to say it was over and I had him unfriend her on Facebook. I then took his IPad. So it was ok to hurt us (me and my kids) but not ok to hurt her??

The next morning,  I then thought to check his cell phone detail usage(we have detailed billing on all of our cell phones) and there were over 300 texts between them also, one day while he was at work, there were actually 90 texts between them. He was communicating with her at all times of the day, including late night to 2am.

I noticed that he had text'd her after sending the facebook message the night before to end it. So I asked to see the texts but he had deleted them all. So I was able to retrieve some of the deleted messages. It was like sexting between them. I still couldn't see the text where he supposedly ended it, so I was still not sure it was over between them. i took his cell phone, only received one “blank” text from her a few days later.

I asked him if they knew each others work email or phone. He said no.

A couple days later again,  I was doing some work from home. My husband and I both work for the same place, but in different offices. I looked up her name in the work address book and she was listed there, work email and phone. 

I confronted him on lying about them not knowing each others work email. I also found out they had been in contact via work email, after it was supposedly over.

I remembered that his email address was receiving Classmates emails, so I decided to check his account. She has been trying to get a hold of him since 2010. There were 19 guestbook entries from her on his Classmates page and one friend request and public note. He did not know of these, as he had not accepted them. I showed him these entries.

Now, I probably do know why he was drawn to this other person. An old high school sweetheart, who was giving him compliments, flirting with him, making him feel special. Vs me - not wanting to be intimate with him, neither one of us complimenting each other, poor communication, just living like room mates. 

I am appalled by what he did, hurt, feel humiliated, rejected, shocked.

IF you are married and weak, then stay off of the social sites, as it hurts your family when you start pulling stuff like this.


My wife and I have been married for 4 yrs and have one child. I've told my wife since the beginning that I don't care if she's still friends with ex-boyfriends as long as I don't have to meet them, see them, or have any dealings with them. I think it's silly that my wife hangs onto these relationships, some going back to Junior high school, but that's her business. After we had our kid I told her I didn't want her ex's on her facebook because I didn't want any creepy guys from her past seeing photos of us with our kid and making comments, etc. She claimed that she didn't have any on there anyway, but I've recently found out that she has re-added ex's behind my back and also confessed to have had an emotional/online-only relationship with someone all the way up until we got married that is her facebook friend and she refuses to sever ties. It's so frustrating.

Strange sometimes Innocent and Mostly Annoying - Bern - Jul 17th 2013

I can admit Im friends with 2 of my ex-boyfriends from my late teen/early 20's yrs...I was serious with both of them and went out with them for long periods of time..Years on and off...But I didnt friend them...I also rarely ever like any of their pictures/status just because I don't want my husband seeing it and feeling some type of way. My husband also is now 33 yrs old and went out with a girl for maybe a yr or so when he waS SEVENTEEN who made it known to EVERYONE including ME that she broke his heart. She knows this too and friended him and likes ALL of his posts...She is married with kids also and from most peoples point of view isn't that attractive, but my husband on the other hand is very good looking and it was always kind of a mystery Ive heard from others why he liked her so much. I happened to meet her years before I was ever with my husband  and found her to be a really cool girl, so I can see why he was attracted to her so much; and I know looks aren't everything...But besides that she never once tried contacting him until she found out he was with me...The only thing I kind of found wierd is that she friended HIM and not ME...She knows me as well (not too good but definitely has met me/knows who I am, etc etc.) She has written under some posts and I laugh because he never repsonds to her...Maybe I'm being insecure but I feel like she does this to make me mad sometimes....Like liking pictures of his parents and telling him to tell them \\

hello ocean lover - n smith - Jul 17th 2013

I wonder how you are doing now. have you remained in marriage? have you reconnected with your lost love again? i have had a similar scenario played out in my life and wonder how others have fared. i would like to know more about your dilemma.

I need hope - carol - Jul 16th 2013

I wrote before about a lost love from 15 years ago, I met him in Dublin in a taxi rank, the thing is I cant get him out of my mind, I made a huge mistake, as I didnt want to get hurt again and risked losing him, as I had fallen in love with him so quickly. I wish I had taken the risk, as I lost out anyway, I cannot remember his surname, his first name Ian is all I can remember, he worked in security at Heathrow airport and had a daughter called Sally. I wish I could explain why I just left all of a sudden, because It breaks my heart to know that he never knew I loved him very much and thats why I left, in order not to get hurt again. Everything about him was amazing and I live in hope that I will meet him again and tell him how much I loved him.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE - Anamarie - Jul 14th 2013

My name is Anamarie and I’m here to let you know that with what people say, it may seem impossible, but with what you believe…..NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, I made a promise to Priest JAYEMA and to myself that WHEN he restored my marriage, I would testify and tell the world…I would share EVERY single detail no matter how shameful and embarrassing it would be, in the hope and knowledge that I would someday be able to bring some kind of hope for a hurting wife or husband who would’ve been going through what I once was. I’ll try to be as brief as possible but I really don’t want to leave any detail out…no matter how small, because it may be the very thing the priest wants to use to inspire and encourage a stander or prodigal spouse. I don’t want to apportion blame too much here but suffice it to say we had some in-law issues which contributed greatly to our demise…but that is another story and I want to concentrate on how priest JAYEMA showed up and showed off in the mist of my situation. Today. My husband of 1 year and 7 months left me on November 30th, 2012.But. all thanks and all praise be to God who give power to priest JAYEMA, he is now back home and we are rebuilding a marriage that from all counts and to the naked eye in the natural realm was dead. As far as I could see we were the perfect couple went out together.stayed home together,laughed, joked,we were like two peas in a pod of course we had our regular marital marriage is addition to the above we also. argued and sometimes told each other some harsh words.LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE,it isn’t right but it happens. In spite of all this , I believed he loved me just as much as I loved could imagine my surprise and heart break when one day after a short disagreement and I mean short.lasting no more that a few beloved husband packed his clothes and walked out of my life. All this happened on Nov 30th 2012.I held off from calling him because I was still upset and I figured I didn’t do him any harm.he was the one that stepped out in our marriage and on our marriage.ours wasn’t a physical stepping as in outside was an on-going 5 month relationship on the internet, with someone he had been previously involved with. The days went by and he didn’t call so on December 5th 2012.I called him.he refused to take my calls so I texted him only to be told that he wasn’t interested in me and I should go on with my life.that I should never call or text him again.that was like a dagger through my heart,I felt as though someone had literally ran a knife straight through my stomach and was twisting it repeatedly.but that isn’t the worse yet. I persisted in calling him that same day and eventually he picked up the phone…he was as cold as ice,I felt frightened even listening to him,he told me.I NEVER LOVED YOU,I AM SORRY WE GOT MARRIED,I FELT TRAPPED IN THIS MARRIAGE,I DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN SHOULD LOVE A WOMAN,THE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR YOU IS THAT OF A “GOOD” FRIEND,I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND YOU SHOULD GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I’M NOT COMING BACK. I have never felt pain like I did then in my entire is amazing when you are down on luck how quickly you remember looking for all mean to get back you happiness. I cried DAILY AND HOURLY,I felt all hope was gone,I mean how do you get someone to love you again when that person is saying I never loved you at all,YOU CANT.BUT when i contacted this great man, he told me no problem without solution. i have no choice but to give him a chance and see what happen after then, I had built my life around my husband and now he was gone,I felt like I lost the better part of me.I couldn’t eat,I didn’t want to socialize and I forced myself to go to work,but i strongly believe this man, even though all seemed lost, this man was turning my situation around even as I was hurting for the few days he work on me. I knew I wasn’t strong in my spirit and my faith was way less than even that of a mustard seed. I still cried every day but I also engaged in some radical and spiritual warfare for my husband.I use all the stuff priest JAYEMA send to me for 7days quoting what he wrote on the paper as he instructed me to over my marriage everyday. i was just at the sitting room alone thinking of when all this will be over then someone ring my doorbell, when i open the door, it was a DHL agent with some package. i sign and i took the package inside. when i open the parcel, it was my husband that sent me a gift. and a letter. what he wrote on the paper was I'm really sorry for all that have happen. the next day he was proud to just walk back and admit that he was wrong but he wanted to so much….. He wanted to give our marriage a chance and he loved me and wanted to be with ME.
I give all the thanks Priest JAYEMA for what he did……it doesn’t matter what your situation looks doesn’t matter how impossible and dead it seems……it doesn’t matter what your husband or wife is planning, just do what you have to do to keep you marriage alive.

if you have any case, please you are very much free to contact him on his email.

Effects of Faebook - Torn... - Jul 11th 2013

I have met the love of my life, we are now engaged and have gone public on FB. 

We are both divorced with kids and are living together, blending families.  But with age and maturity comes a longer more complex past.  My Fiance had been dating a girl he grew up with for over a year and a half before we met.  They were in love, but broke things off because of distance and other issues.  He is no longer friends with her on FB, but recently she has been liking pictures and posts of his on FB and I am feeling a bit angry and dissapointed that he would allow this.  I immediately blocked my ex boyfriend when we started dating because allowing outsiders (ex flames) into your relationship is like playing with fire.  Relationships are already vulnerable because of lifein general - add full time jobs, demanding children, responsibility, and now ex's...  It's un-needed interference.  I'm struggling - do I say anything or not??

Torn - Dont know what to do :( - Jul 8th 2013

I split up with the love of my life and a year later moved on, we spilt on agreement as I wanted to take a step further he liked it how it was, it wasnt that I wanted marrige or kids just a bit more then dating we saw each other most nights I still got butterflies after 4 years (still do :(...). I didnt see him for ages and if I did it was just passing, my current boyfriend doesn't like or trust him. I have'nt spoken to him in ages but he "popped up" one day and we've been talking ever since, the conversations are easy and a wee bit flirty (lots of kissey faces and heart eyes) but when I try and message my current boyfriend I get "ok." I have to drag the kisses etc out of him! when my ex says "hey hope you're good babe " I get all the silly feelings of a crush and have always felt like that since we met, but now its got me thinking will I ever be happy or am I the grass is greener kinda gal? Either way it is driving me mad I never want to see my current boyfriend hurt or his family. Someone asked "are you attracted to the danger?" I don't think so as when random guys tries to chat me up it really doesn't do a thing for me even if the guy is drop dead stunning! I go out a lot with my girlfriends and I don't ever feel tempted to flirt, but my ex just says hey and I grin like a Cheshire cat for goodness sake! Anyone have any ideas??? 

Husband EX girlfriend from teens friending all his family members - Vivica - Jul 2nd 2013

I specifically looked for a topic such as this.  I am very happy to have found such an extensive amount of responses to this kind of matter. It's been a few years since I found out that my sister in laws and mother in law were staying in contact with my husbands ex from his teenage years. My problem is we had a difficult past including this psycho. I became pregnant at 18 and my then boyfriend now husband was seeing both of us. I decided to leave him and she stayed with him. My husband and I remained friends at the time but a few years later got back together. His ex contacted me when they broke up and told me she knew that he really loved me and was gonna try and come back to me. Prior to this she harrassed me and was just a complete psycho and I did have to get a restraining order against her. So of course I was a little freaked when I saw messages being exchanged between her, his mother and sisters. In fact very weirded out. I wondered what she was up to. So I watched like a stalker to see what I could. Nothing ever happened but I did find out she was asking the sisters his mom and even grandma about him. Apparently she only had one kid and unsuccessful relationships. Now I see she is married to someone that looks like my husband I just recently saw this and was flabergasted! She still posts messages on the one sister in law I stay in contact with Facebook wall. I admit the whole time I was very upset and even stopped trying to maintain a relationship with my mother in law and the sister in law that remained close friends with her. It did cause some arguments between me and my husband but I trust that he would never do anything to hurt me and he doesn't use Facebook. I do believe you have to monitor your activity on Facebook stringently or you can become obsessed with things you shouldn't. I could have allowed myself to go bonkers just thinking about what this lady was up and I DID for a brief moment because she would like all my the photos with my husband in them and make comments about how handsome he is. I did have to delete my account until I collected myself and realized that Facebook is an extension of who we are and it can be used for good or bad. So now I only read positive material and stay far away from drama. I know this lady is not going away and although I may never know her true intentions whether she felt my husband was her 1st love or tried looking for him or whatever it's not my job to figure it out. I can't live my Life like that...

Are you the Kim that has stolen my boyfiend - - Jul 1st 2013

This situation has just happened to me -was boyfriend of 15 years was contacted by his ex - who knew he was with me! Ok it takes two to tango I know that - but what kind of a person are you to do that.

It hurts so much and I hope one day you get to find out just how much

Finally Happy - Nicole - Jul 1st 2013

I had been "friends" on social media with my one true love ever since he moved back to California.  We kept in touch, for over 10 years as friends.  I remember all of the times thinking, if he'd just have grown up.  I also remember when he had his son with his girlfriend realizing that he was so far and had a reason to stay there that he and I would never work.  I moved on. Dated someone, knowing deep down all along I was settling.  I married that guy and it was the biggest mistake of my life.  Meanwhile my true love was heartbroken I was married.  All of a sudden he sent me a text message in May of 2012 that he felt the need to contact me.  I was at that time contemplating divorce.  He and I began talking constantly and when I separate from my husband in September, we decided to visit each other in November.  Seeing him again after 10 years was like coming home.  Shocking how easy it was.  He said the same things.  Here we are in July of 2013.  He transferred with his work, bringing his son he has full custody of and we are expecting a baby together.  I still look at him and am in disbelief he is here in front of me.  I'm probably in more disbelief that I can be this happy.  I know I had an emotional affair while married.  But if I'd been honest with myself I would have realized I had never stopped loving him and that I never loved my husband the way I should have.

Found lost love - Kim - Jun 27th 2013

I found my lost love and it feels amazing. I am married but my marriage has been having a problems for a while. He is NOT my reason for leaving but he is a catalyst to finally make that move. We are not going to move together only see one another and see if its right for us. If its good, which it will be, great, and if not thats great too but at least I can say I've tried. I only live once and I plan to do my best to live it fully while on this side of the grass.

help find lost love - carol - Jun 24th 2013

I met the most wonderful man in a taxi rank in Dublin about 15 years ago, he worked at Heathrow and had a daughter called Sally, We were very much in love, however i never told him. I was extremely hurt prior to this and backed off, never to see or hear from him again, I am so hurt by this and cannot find him now.

I feel guilty - - Jun 17th 2013

An old friend found me via facebook, she is coming to town to visit a friend and I volunteered to pick her up at the airport, now i have second thoughts all though all I want is to see her,but to do so means lying to the spouse.   I will probably see here at some time  but..Any thoughts

It is - Miss - May 24th 2013

Very destructive. If you aren't getting the connection you need in your relationship, you subconsciously seek it out and facebook is too easy. Stand up for yourself and your relationship, or break it off. There shouldn't need to be suffering......

All the bad boys from my past keep popping up... - - May 13th 2013

Since I've had my facebook account (7 years) I've had 2 old flames from my past pop up and find me.  I've found a couple more on my own as well.  Back in the day I was a very wild teenager and ran around with all the local bad boys.  I had about 10 relationships when I was between the ages of 13-19 years old and each of those boys knew one another in some way. 

7 years ago on the day I brought my baby home from the hospital there was a friend request from a boy who I was madly in love with in high school.  He was the love of my life and I was crushed when he dumped me because his bandmates didn't like me.  Well he found me and seemed to be having marital problems at the time but he was very torn, he didn't want to cheat on his wife and I respected that.  We've managed to keep in touch and sometimes flirt, we've had some phone calls and met up a couple times... its very weird because the attraction is there but I respect the fact he won't cheat on his wife.  Me on the other hand would be more willing... I'm very easily influenced and while I'd be scared as heck I know I could be easily talked into just doing it.  (I'm not actually married to my man though but we've been together for 10 years and have a son together).  I have so much respect for this guy and we really have a great bond... I've moved past that urge to be with him and I really like how our rekindled relationship has turned out.  I know we are always going to be friends.

Okay next on the list is a teenage crush I had... I found him about 4 years ago and messaged just to say hi and I much have said to much to him becuase the very next morning he shows up at my office!  FREAKED ME THE HECK OUT!  I told him how freaked I was but I still ended up talking to him a lot... he worked a job where he drove a repair truck around town so he would stop by my office and I would go out and take a smoke break with him... this went on for about a year but he was kind of a loser and while I was still attracted to him from those memories back in the day but I couldn't bring myself to touch him.  Its so weird because I'd rather message him and flirt with him behind a computer screen then face to face.  Things fizzled out with him... he really wanted to hookup and he was single but I just couldn't do anything like that with him so I eventually kind of hurt his feelings and we stopped talking.  We're still facebook friends though.

I found another flame who happens to be a porn star now... hahaah that was very interesting!  Nothing of course happened with finding him... he's moved on to professional sex. hahaha

Last on the list is a guy who is the most complicated of them all.  When I was 15 I got pregnant and ran away from home after the first boyfriend story up there dumped me.  The father of the baby was very abusive and the relationship didn't last.  During the course of the relationship we both cheated... well he cheated and I tried to cheat (hahaha)... anyway one of the guys I tried to hook up with was a friend of a couple old boyfriends who I never payed much attention to but when I came across him a couple years later I had him in my seights.  Okay so things were going good BUT he was starting to use heavy drugs and seemed to care more about using the drugs then a relationship with me.  We never fully went all the way and things just werent moving forward with us so I just stopped coming around.  That was about 21 years ago..... last week he finds me on facebook.  GET THIS.... he is in prison and hes been there for the last 7 years almost for armed robbery and drug posession.  *sigh*  He sends me a picture and O M G ! ! ! This guy has been working out and looks hotter then he did 20 years ago!  He has my head spinning!  I know its so beyond wrong but I can't help myself.  These bad boys from my past are my weakness!  I'm now finding myself feeling extreemly depressed and confused... regretful... you name the emotion and I'm feeling it.  I hate this feeling.  I cant help but instantly fall in love with him BUT I KNOW the prison talk and I just dont know... my head is spinning fromt he whole thing and I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Before facebook I use to sit and day dream about these past loves and wonder what they were doing and wonder if I'd ever get the chance to find out.  Now I just feel like be careful what you wish for because while yes its made me giddy and excited its also brought me so much heartache.

Like touching a hot stove.....get yourself burnt... - Anon - May 3rd 2013

I want to connect so badly..., its an ache which never goes... he never tried to... after our last goodbye nearly 23 yrs ago,when he rode over to propose... He's not on facebook.. I had forgotten everything about him..all these years, until a sudden urge got hold of me, to find  him, I googled him out and found his mobile number and called him up about 2 yrs ago. I spoke to him for the first time for about 2 mins...and died of guilt nearly... Forgot about him for 2 yrs in between but now again the urge to google and find him took a hold of me... I found out where he is...the wife's name , the kid's name, and that he is in the same city!Thankfully its a huge city....If he wanted to- it would have been fairly easy for him to find me out, but he never did, so I guess he cares more for his wife & family just like I do mine. So I attribute this urge to depression, I know it is stupid and silly on my part to be doing this b/c he has been honorable and never called me up ever in the last 23 yrs (even if he was secretly keeping tabs on me). In his online pics- He looks like he used to years ago. I think I am depressed and feel like a fake at home in front of my hubby & my kids. I ought to let sleeping dogs lie....and forget about him and all my imagined mental escapades with him... make me sound delusional... and a mental wreck ... but I know that I still love him very much... and will always...... but I have made my bed and I must lie in it.... such a test of WILL POWER.. I am thinking about reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy once more... I must read it again!!

Please Help - Nina - Mar 25th 2013

I was in a very serious relationship back in 93 I was young and full of energy I met this gentlemen at a college that I did not attend and we hooked up , after months of dateing things seemed to going wonderful and I got Pregnant he was on the football team and was doing very good in school so there for did not want children at the time, I did I was not in school and the time which may have been selfish but oh well. Finally early on in Prenancy I had a miscarriage during this time of lsot we some how seperated and lost contact and I have recenlty found him on facebook and have spoken to him and feeling stirred up in me that I thought I would never feel and I am currenlty in a 10yr relationship thats has been happy for a least 5yrs now and I am so confused because I really did love this other man and never knew what happened to him he lives in another state and jsut never knew he went back there... Please help me, feeling unloved and confused.

Left feeling hurt and confused - Sue - Feb 20th 2013

I've been married for 26 years and I contacted my ex on Facebook a year back. He too is married and has bee for a long time. We began chatting and texting and finally we met for a drink and lunch. He was very straight with me, told me he was after sex and would I meet him for an afternoon's sex in a hotel. My marriage is pretty boring so I said yes! We met and have met a lot over the last year in hotels and have had the most amazing sex ever! That was until I found he had been lying to me. I caught him out on so much but kept telling myself it would be ok... it wasnt! He has a string of other women but didnt count on me knowing any of them but I was chatting to one of our mutual friends and she asked me how I  knew him and it turns out she too is having an affair with him. I found myself to be the best detective on the land and found out so much about what he was up to and how long he'd been up to it. I told him I knew everything and he said I needed help for checking up on him. Facebook is full of problems just waiting to happen.

Facebook Cuts Deeply - Randy Wish - Feb 16th 2013

My friends longtime wife (30plus years and they are grand parents) confessed to him she connected on facebook with her high school boyfriend and planned to leave him. He lives many states away, is single, no children, is successful, without relationship, and wants her badly in his life. My friend was heart broken. They have had a very strained relationship over the last 10 years. Illness, (which mostly ended their sex life) business challenges, and adult children who have taken far too long to become responsible.

Here is the great irony. My friend was almost sucked into the same trap by his high school girlfriend. What saved him was the thought he couldn't hurt his wife. (Of course in other ways, he has hurt her verbally, and engaging in employment and social life, and drinking, that often kept them apart.)

So the wife never new about the husbands high school girl friend, who lives across the country.  Like the boyfriend is single, never had children, lonely, and with nothing nor relationship to lose.

So in reaction to his wife's revelations (and pain) he contacts his old girl friend from high school whom he did everything to stay away from.

(She wants him real bad) and is thrilled with this misfortune/opportunity.

Now my friend, who is a wreck over all this was informed by his wife that after he cried and pleaded, she is not going to leave him and says she is going to stay.

He is going to work on things, and she will remain with him.

However, her husband knows she is still telephoning the old boyfriend, not sure about emailing.

So as part of the healing, the wife and husband are planning Friday night date. She dresses up for the first time and looks great.  However, just before the husband came home she called the boyfriend on the phone. The husband knows the wife made the call but she does not know he knows.

Was she on the phone conspiring to leave? Is she staying emotionally connected to the boyfriend? Is this just a temporary step before she leaves? Is she staying just because of guilt?

What course of action should the husband take? Connect with his girl as an insurance? Drop his guard and let the girlfriend into his life as she desprately wants? Try to win back his wife with kindness and a renewed sense of commitment?

Folks, I need some answers?

I am my friend but can't write first person cause it hurts too much!



facebook trap - los - Feb 15th 2013

To me, that is facebook, its a trap and a waste of time, boy is it!! thats me. i rather go for a long walk enjoy the beauty thats around us. i had facebook account for a week, a couple of years ago and i deleted the whole thing, and when i did, the last thing facebook asked me was "are you sure you want to delete the account?"  i said YES  and a window popped up and said! "YOUR FREE NOW GO ENJOY YOUR LIFE"    that blew me away because its true>>>

Unrequited - Bonita - Feb 6th 2013

Well, I just want to say that there was a connection between myself and my Professor.  We both fell for one another, but he was wise to just cut it before it got physical.  Even so, our connection remained.  We were both married, but he had more to lose.  He became my campus husband and I his campus wife because we were so emotionally in tune.  I could say he was a soul mate, a guardian angel, or some spouse from a previous life, but all I know is that he 'gets' me, is clairvoyant, and quite amazing.  We had our angry bouts and I even reported to the Dean that our relationship was unprofessional.  I walked away 14 years.  I found myself on campus taking classes (not his) and he is still there.  Well, I made efforts to connect, but kept to myself at the same time.  He has agreed to be my linked in professional contact and has made it firmly clear that this is platonic.  So I suppose this is a healing connection because we certainly hurt each other.  I try very hard to think of him as I would another professor I am not attracted to, so I do not contact him unless it is strictly business.  It seems healthy.  He is just trying to make everything right again because he would not want me to remember him unkindly.  He really likes me, but is also scared to trust.  I am trying very hard to help him trust in others again.  I am trying hard to trust enough to share myself with other people and not focus on him so much.  I never want to let him go because of the lesson of love that has been taught.  Socrates was right about a teacher's love lasting decades later!  It's a beautiful thing as long as we can honor sexual boundaries.

Wife Stalking Ex's Family - - Jan 30th 2013

I have found that my wife is Facebook stalking her Ex of 20 years ... but not him but rather this family ... mother, wife, duaghter ect.  I dont think there is alot of communication going on .. just obcesive daily checking on whats going on in their lives ... what are your thoughts on this?

Caught my husband on line dating and cheating - Debra - Jan 29th 2013

I  have been in marriage counseling for a year and a half. I caught my husband using on line dating site looking to hook up and ultimately found him cheating not to mention sexting for over a year with various women. Six weeks after I caught him cheating (after I talked to the dumb girlfriend) I was diagosed with Melnoma skin cancer.  Pretty serious , a couple surgeries and 3 months of chemo. I am okay but my old boyfriend contacted me on Classmates and we have been emailing for 6 months. He wants to meet me while I am away in his city on a business trip.  He is married and I want to meet him. I am not looking to hook up but he has a whole day of sightseeing planned. I do not even feel quilty about our visit.  I just know I am vunerable and I do not want him to know what I have been through.  Any suggestions??

Dangerous and Painful - Oceanlover - Jan 19th 2013

The "love of my life" and I have been in contact for several years over social media. We were both married but we always managed to stay friends, until his marriage disolved and he took it to the next level. I am not happy in my marriage and always carried a flame for him and I responded. We had a full flung emotional affair and he even flew out for us to meet for a tryst. It was only one night. We carried on for several months, until he abruptly stopped. This left me a confused, guilt-ridden emotional wreck. I love and have loved this man more than anyone, and I wish we would have just let sleeping dogs lie so we could have at least maintained our frienship which was a very important part of my life. Our relationship did not end badly the first time, it was just youth and distance. We also rekindled romantic and sexual feelings that I had not had for many years that I wish could have been left dormant. Now I still have my bad marriage and I do not even have my friendship with him. Only pursue if you are both unattached and are willing to make the commitment. Heartbreak hurts as much in middle age as it does when you are in your teens and twenties. It is taking a lot for me to pull myself up after this one.

After 26 years, made amends to each other - - Jan 18th 2013

I and my ex girlfriend friended each other on FB about two years ago. We had not been in contact for 26 years after our relationship ended poorly mostly because of my behavior.

My original intent was to make amends to her for the hurt I caused her. I held off because our exchanges were very nice and we got caught up with our lives, families and careers. I didn’t want to open old wounds, but lo and behold, she brings it up and apologized to ME. I was floored and shocked over this since the breakup I felt was mostly my fault.

I made my amends and was so glad we could clear the wreckage of the past. She’s married 11 years with five kids and I for 22 with two kids and I’m
happy for her. Its good to know we still care for each other after all those years.

It was not a so called “booty call”.

Social Media, aka Job security for Therapists - Dreamer Part 3 - Jan 9th 2013

If you're read my previous posts then this is to let you know I've failed.

I did NOT let sleeping dogs lie.

I've been comsumed with far too many thoughts and pesky emotions since allowing social media to open this door to the past.

Although I've sent a couple of messages to 'her' I've had no response. It appears she hasn't even seen the messages (the flag still indicates 'sent' but not 'read'). I'm torn inside with the deep emotions that I thought I'd buried 40 years ago.

I'm seeing a therapist and I've taken action of my own to help me through this (have written a plethora of words). I've even composed a collection of these thoughts into an ebook and published. Staying busy is the best medicine through the rough spots but I know ultimately I have to deal with these emotions.

Why did I not undertake the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr to purge all emotion? Because we need our pain, and our joys.

agree with all situations are unique - stacey allam - Dec 30th 2012

i agree with all situations are unique i think he might even be my first boyfriend anyway many people feel guilty about how they end ed the relationship but that that does not give them the right to contact the other person and remind them of what a painful bread up it was

Facebook romance?? - - Dec 27th 2012

I found out yesterday that my wife of 18 years has been in contact with her old boyfriend of 20 years ago for the last couple of months and she is now playing it down saying she was stupid. I think the conversation got flirty and she has deleted a lot of the conversations but kept the negative ones from him. She says he did all the chasing and harassing but I don't believe her.

This has been a difficult year and testing the relationship to the limit for me anyway, obviously for her too to be sniffing around someone who nobbed her 20 years ago.

This has shoved an even bigger wedge between us and she is playing it down but that's easy when the boots on the other foot. I think it's just another nail in the coffin of the relationship which has run out of steam anyway.

I've told her she is more than welcome to go off with somebody else if that's what she wants but she won't.

This Facebook book thing is dangerous for relationships and if yours going to mess around with old flames, then at least cover your tracks. 

Personally, I'd rather meet a new person in the flesh than go with somebody 30 years older than my last memories of them.

Hope this helps and my advice would be to stay away from old flames on social network sites unless you want to call time on your existing relationship.

Rip Cantrell. 

It's too easy - Frisby thrower - Dec 25th 2012

Well I have been hurting a lot since reconnecting with an old school crush approximately 7 weeks ago. I live in the UK and last saw her at school. Although she still lived in the same town we ended up going to different schools and lost touch - ironically enough, through our reconnection, I learned she was still in the same town where I'd assumed she must have moved. That was 27 years ago and now she lives in Australia.

So 7 weeks ago I get a friend request from her. To be honest I didn't recognise her name as she had married and her profile picture was of her children so I couldn't tell who it was. I accepted just to see who it was - i have had people I don't know contact me before. I was thrilled and amazed to realise it was her! I had carried beautiful memories of her through the years but never expected to hear from her again.

Anyway, we began chatting and things got out of hand. We entered into a full on emotional relationship. For me this was crazy and I knew it. My gf of 5 years is amazing and in this past few weeks we've just had a baby boy. Yet I still carried on with this, and believe me, I can't understand why I did it.

Anyway, the kicker (or maybe the kick up the butt I needed) was scrolling her fb wall the other evening - it turns put she (in my opinion) has been flirting with another former school crush (post me). I immediately realised what a fool I'd been. Maybe I overreacted but then I realised I was being a hypocrit. In the small time I have been in contact with her I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions. I sent her several emails telling her how upset she'd made me and that I never wanted her to contact me again.

in summary, I'm furious at myself for how I allowed this to happen; not least because I have so much to lose. I don't know what I was thinking. I have firmly halted the relationship but it serioisly hurts me as she was so important to me. If we'd have been respectful then perhaps we might have actually been able to be friends. Who knows? The problem I think is its just too easy for this kind of thing to happen. One of the other sad aspects is she has now tainted all the childhood memories of her that I once held so dear. The ironic thing for me personally is that for 7 years, as teenagers, she lived a mile from me and I had no idea, despite the ridiculous probability that we should have crossed paths. She is now living in Australia and we were able to reconnect in an instant with virtually no effort.

My message: either be open from the start with all concerned or simply leave the past where it belongs. Pandora's box indeed.

All situations are unique - - Dec 23rd 2012

I appreciate all these posts, they are really helpful to me. Recently (and for a reason completely unrelated to just finding out how she was) I reconnected on FB with someone with whom I thought I would marry many years ago.  My situation sounds similar to many of those posted here-too immature to know how to handle things at the time, long standing guilt over thoughts that I had stupidly sabotaged what we had at the time, etc. 

It sounds like each situation is individual and depends on multiple factors - one's perception what actually happened way back when, circumstances of breakup, relationship with current spouse and family, the reason for reconnecting now via social media, one's ability to keep things at an arm's length now,  ability to recognize what kind of a potential Pandora's box one is risking, how much closure one neeeds, and so on.

I was shocked at how anxious I felt over the thought of reconnecting. Overall, I think I'm glad I did- I get the feeling that neither this 'ex" hates me now.  However,  it will be important to manage the reconnection appropriately in the future 

Don't Date Anyone on Facebook! - - Dec 13th 2012

I'm making that my new rule. Anyone who spends an obsessive amount of time on Facebook I refuse to date and will tell them exactly why I refuse. I'm tired of people who spend their whole lives online looking for a fantasy and living a fantasy lifestyle.

Boyfriend puts past loves & past sexual flings on his "riends list. - Jeanie - Dec 8th 2012

Yet again, my boyfriend and I are arguing over his habit of facebook 'friending' women from his past.  I seriously believe this time, that his attitude tells me something about his character that I may not be able to overlook.  When we first moved in together (around age 52), my boyfriend talked me into getting a Facebook account, reasoning that it is a lot of fun.  He said he liked to see current news and photos that his family and old friends post.  That's true, he does, and I understand and appreciate that about Facebook.  Here comes the 'however'...However, one day I was looking at his page to read his latest posts, and his timeline publicly noted that he was 'now friends with so and so'.  I asked him who the new lady was.  Immediately he accused me of 'snooping'.  OK, that was a bad sign, I realize that now.  He gave me a lecture about my 'jealousy' being a problem for him.  He went on and on about this woman being'nobody' to him, just an old friend.  When pressed sometime later, since it didn't feel right to me, he went on about how he just happened to cross paths with her in a local mall and she was a friend's roommate from the state where he grew up, and he thought she was nice, and that they exchanged phone numbers and that he just might have a cup of coffee with her sometime, 'to catch up', but that this was none of my business and that my 'completely unfounded jealousy' was a turnoff for him.  I was suspicious, but I backed away from the issue for a while.  She remained on his Friends list.  I broached the subject again and he vehemently denied that she was anyone I should be jealous of, and he hollered and cursed me for being 'insanely jealous' over any female in his past.  He made me feel about an inch tall.  After that, however, I realized there were a lot of women on his friends list, and when asked about them he did admit that some were past dates, loves, or just this one or that one that he'd spent a couple of nights with.  He made it clear thart he would not 'tolerate' my editing his past by asking him to remove these women.  I backed off for a while again.  Well, a couple of months passed and we returned from a Valentine getaway, and one night I got curious and looked at his texts (I had reason to, related to another woman, but won't go into that here.)  There were texts from him, to her, about how he'd left a gift for her by the coffeemaker after he'd visited her at her job, and he went on about how 'gorgeous' she is and how he'd been away with some friends for a few days, but 'I can't wait to hold you in my arms'....I felt sick to my stomach.  I approached him.  He cursed and screamed at me for being a 'Snoop', and for being 'insanely jealous' and 'making me crazy', and so on.  I contacted the woman and she said he had told her he was away with friends, and he'd never told her that he lived with his girlfriend.  She unfriended him and refused to speak to him.  A couple of months later he went out of town on a little getaway 'solo'.  He made up elaborate stories to cover up.  While away he posted for everyone to see, things like talking about a restaurant he was going to, he posted about going bowling, etc.  Something didn't feel right to me.  I phoned him and asked plain and simple, did he have someone with him.  I went into a tirade about my 'insane' and 'unfounded jealousy' that was driving him away.  He went on for about an hour, hollering and cursing me.  He was sitting in his car all this time and I heard a knock on his window.  He covered the phone and spoke briefly to someone, then came back on the phone and said that the manager of the motel he was in, had asked him to quiet down.  I found out a couple of months later that he'd not gone alone on that trip, but had taken a woman who he'd met shortly after he'd met me, and that she was the one who'd knocked on the glass, asking him why he was sitting in his car hollering like that.  I had had enough.  I posted under his posts, for his friends and family to see, that I knew he had been sharing a motel room with another woman on that trip.  Okay, here's the end of the story.  That was all some time ago, and we got past those things after a long breakup, and now we are together and he's asked for forgiveness.  Unfortunately, he's now friending any woman from his past, be they genuine school chums, a serious love ...or someone he once met on a dating site and had a weekend fling with.  He is furious with me for asking him to stop doing this and to take them off his list.  He says this means I've not truly forgiven him for the past.  I tell him he needs to stop sticking his past under my nose, in the form of pictures on his friends list, of everyone damned woman he's ever been in bed with.  He says he loves me but that this may be the end for us, because he will not have a girlfriend who does not truly forgive, AND who will not let him enjoy these people from his past who mean something to him.  He says this is his business, not mine, and that I have ruined his fun on facebook, by my behavior.  I'm tired of the whole thing and have decided that his attitude sucks and I'm too old for this.    

Inevitable outcome - Stan - Nov 22nd 2012

My wife was contacted on a social networking site earlier this year by an ex - they split up in the summer of '88 and then she was devastated to discover that he had used prostitutes while they were still together. Big finish so you'd think. Anyway she decided to make contact, she told me all about what was planned - meeting for lunch, very public, etc, etc. She didn't want me to get all jealous and use this against her in the future. They met openly and innocently two or three times, they occaisionly texted each other about family life (his kids are in their late teens, ours aren't).

That was six months ago, they have gradually increased the frequency of contact whilst becoming more clandestine. last weekend she was away on a course, they met in her hotel room on saturday night and they had sex. They think i don't know, but i do - i just can't prove it in a court of law.

Seeing an old flame will destroy your marriage. Mine is finished.

Some things are timeless - Dreamer Part 2 - Dreamer - Nov 3rd 2012

Within the past week, I've returned to this sight on numerous occassions to re-inforce my decission to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm confident that eventually this choice will consume less of my thoughts. As emotional creatures, social media certainly has added new challenges to our lives.

I never would have guessed that a curious search, to see if someone so very important in my distant pass was still with us, could evoke such strong conflict now. Is there a warning label for this issue on social media somewhere? Just kidding ! Less is more.


What a bunch of crap helpers... - Bob - Nov 1st 2012

Facebook is just a tool,like phone or letter in human lives.You jump 20 years...what you will find exept death,old age, wrinkles, sickness and accumulated suffering to people who you care about.You sense total disapointment for any meaningfull future.Live a life now in full and cherish the beautifull moments in the past.For these who advocate  prison solution learn what means freedom.What is the point of having the free will if you can't spit at least one time in the eye of your destiny.Do what you want is the best and only advice what you can give.You only need to ask your self...what you realy want.To connect or to don't is the question what you only can answer.

Some things are timeless - Dreamer - Oct 28th 2012

First.... Wow ! So many comments on this subject. Thankfully this resource was here on the net and easy to find.

Curiosity drove me to search out my 'first' some 40 years after last meeting. FB provided the results and that\\\'s when the struggle began. For years after our relationship ended, well into my marriage, I would have dreams about 'her'. The first moments after waking from those dreams felt much like after the loss of a loved one when occassionally for brief moments you feel they are still here before reality tells you they are not. You hold tightly to the illusion before re-embracing the world.

I'd found her name on previous searches with what seemed like an address. Just knowing she was in the world was comforting and there was little struggle with the idea of contacting her. Our time was in the past and though my wife and I are now seperated, I'm still faithful to my wife and am trying to make it work.

My wife and I recently marked another year of seperation and curiousity again got the better of me. This time, having learned of facebook and how to search for friends, the answer to my question was very different. There was so much information...... and a photo. Her eyes and smile told me the results were correct. A quickened heartbeat, a bit of anxiety and then a little alchohol. It's been just two days since the last search. It may be a coincidence but I'm having trouble sleeping tonight (it's 5 AM and I've slept maybe 2 hours). I'm not a fan of coincidence. 

I'm thankful for this resource on the net and for the many comments posted here. Emotionally I was wrestling with the 'contact' question and I think you've given me the answer, that those two from four decades ago are not the same two that have their own lives now. Even though I'm a romantic at heart there is a realist that shares that space too. Though I'm curious about her life, of whether she achieved her dream of being a UN translator, I'll resign myself to knowing she's at least still alive after all this time and will inwardly hope that her life has been happy and rewarding.

So, for those with cat-like curiousity, beware. Now, on with my own life, it has enough issues to be addressed without adding more.

My wife threw away our marriage - Broken Hearted - Oct 26th 2012

How reconnecting on Facebook killed my marriage.. My wife of 10 years and best friend.  Was contacted by a friend of hers who just found out his wife wants a divorce.  So my wife called him and they started to talk and then it became more frequent and then in 2 weeks he told her he has always loved her and then in 2 days she asked me for a divorce.  She says we had problems and I just didnt recognize them.  Yes we had fights but no more than anyone else.  Never mad for more than a few hours and we shred everything together.  Yes am I angry yes am I hurt but the truth of it is maybe she never loved me at all.  Also will this new long distance relationship work.  He lives in Florida and we live in PA.  Also we have to daughters one who is too young to understand and the other is devistated.  Our family , which was a close knit family fell apart in 3 weeks.

The past matters - Old Timer - Oct 16th 2012

At 68 I connected with an old love from my twenties.  The internet provided the avenue to find her.  After 12 months of indecision I took the plunge and wrote a letter (remember those). I really just wanted to say that what we had shared had never been forgotten. We really had so much love and respect for each other. I knew she was married and had a family, and I told her I was glad she had made a success of her life and was happy.  To my surprise I got a reply 3 weeks later.  We have started to correspond, one letter every two or three months.  Our letters show that we both appreciate that our friendship has endured.  I know that she confided in her husband that we were corresponding, and he seems quite OK with it.  There is no suggestion of ever meeting, not even for a cup of coffee, and I think it should stay that way, but the link has meant so much to me.  I am pleased that she knows that what we had in the past was, and always will be valued.  Any comments would be welcome.

Old Timer

Boyfriend at 16yrs of age and reconnecting via FB after 25 years - - Sep 26th 2012

4 years ago I reconnected with an old boyfriend I dated for a year in High School at age 16. We were in love and very physical at that time. It ended after a year but I never forgot him and often wondered where he was and how his life turned out. My husband and I ran into him at a local car race in the late 90's and we would see him there every weekend. His eyes and mine would connect but nothing was ever said. The butterflys were in my stomach everytime I saw him and I could not wait until each weekend to be able to look at him again. Then in 2009 I joined FB and soon after sent him a friend request after much thought. We talked every evening about about old times and how our lives turned out. Then it became that we chatted every day while we were at our jobs and then again in the evenings. The passion and heat were there, it felt good to be desired and interesting to someone again after being married for 20 years. He had been remarried for 10. Five months into all this chatting and sharing and reliving old stolen moments where we made love and did crazy things I agreed to meet him. I felt like a teenager when I saw him and he did as well. We talked, our eyes glistened and my heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest. I felt I could not breath and then he stopped talking and he kissed me. It was the most passionate, I want you kiss I had felt in years. I burned for him and he for me. I left him and we keep chatting each day, then a few weeks later we met at a mutal place to "talk" and ended up having the most amazing sex. I needed it, I wanted it. I felt desired and loved and alive again. That was 4 years ago and today we are closer than ever as best friends with benefits. We went through the "lets leave our spouses and get together" phase the first 2 years. The 3 years we came to our senses about how much we did love our spouses and our children and how many lives would be ruined if we moved forward with this. Now nearing the end of our 4th year we have moved passed the "I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you" phase and we are just the best of friends who get together for great sex and talk every month. We do both love our spouses despite what you might be thinking but we both were lacking physical contact in each of our marriages. We provided that for each other and it is amazing every time even after 4 years. I have tried to give him up and he to give me up. We have been through the horrible guilt feelings and the bargaining feelings and the justifying feelings of why this affair of 4 years is ok. That is where we are still at today and I am ok with that as is he. You can judge me all you want but until you have been in my shoes, you should not. I never thought this would happen to me. I was married for 20 years and never even thought of any other man! Now I have been married 24 years and I live in denial each day about what I am doing and how I know it is wrong, but right now that is how it has to be. That is where I need to be. Next week is our monthly "get together" and I can't wait for him to touch me and take my breath away again........

YOU WILL GET A BROKEN HEART - tracey - Sep 17th 2012

the love of my life contacted me by facebook and i knew sooner or later that one day he would. we met at 16 and 3oyrs later he contacted me. we totally loved each other for all those years that we have destroyed ourselves in the process. iwe spent our lives competing with each other and in justifying our ambitions we broke our own hearts. we were so competitive with each other growing up, we went our own seperate ways he married twice and i once. we both eventually got together he left his wife and i filed for my divorce. he lived in wales i in england. 19months later i cannot sell my home it is too expensive and he has given up cause the jealousy has torn us apart. his ex wife forever taunts me and yet i love him so much. our families have been destroyed by all the anger, upset and accusations and we cannot fight it anymore. my divorce is almost thru his is thru and yet money and a house keeps us apart. we worked hard to achieve all and ended up with nothing. no ambition can justify breaking someones heart. if he had never contacted me two families would still be together and a heart never broken so much.  

honesty - - Sep 17th 2012

I've had minor dalliances with people on facebook who are in relationships. It's been from their side at first - it starts with the reconnection and innocent remarks, then after a while they're telling you their sex life is no good and what's the potential between you and them now. Or there was the case where someone sent a declaration of undying love, then a day or so later I saw that they'd had a baby and had updated their status to 'married'!.

I've never been a cheat on any of my partners, but I was attracting these types of people to me - I suppose it gave me a little romantic thrill during the tedium of singledom. But finally it started to get to me - it felt insulting to be used as a distraction. At first I was forgiving, but as I meditated on what I want from life, I realised that honesty however tedious and 'real' was important to me.

So I sent brief messages to these people who had flirted and said basically 'what is it you're asking for here and what do you want from me?'. I wasn't suprised when I got no response. This was the wake up call, it was a slap in the face really. The underlying message I got from this was 'you're not real, you don't matter to me, so you'll do just fine as a sexy distraction, but that's all you're worth'.

If a person isn't married to the person they love and desire, that's their problem, or if they can't be bothered keeping the flame alive in their marriage that's also their problem. I realised my self esteem was a bit low and therefore I'd partly enjoyed the attention from these people. But ultimately it made me feel I was cheapening myself.

So I 'de-friended' all those people who had been inappropriate. It feels lighter, and on a deeper level it reflects a shift in my self confidence. I'm worth more than a tacky flirt online. I wonder if these people will even notice I've removed them, most likely they'll just seek out someone else! But if they wish to live a life full of hypocrisy and deciet that's their choice, not mine.

Contacted old love - - Sep 1st 2012

It was a healing experience.   I learned that my love for him was truly a relic of the past, and talking with him about it gave me closure.  We occasionally e-mail each other and ask about family.  The old heartache (and "limerance") have disappeared.  I am much happier in my marriage, too, which I believe made a huge difference.

Should not have connected with ex.... - - Aug 29th 2012


I found this article as a timely help for me.

I went through this traumatic experience of connecting with the girl from my past life. 

There was a girl with whom I had grown up. She was my dream all my life. We were equally compatible and our families knew each other very well. There was no reason for us not getting married as everything was so matching for us in our Asian culture.

However when I proposed her while in college; she declined and berated him for bringing up the marriage proposal. She said she looks at me as a friend and doesn't have any feelings. I was very disappointed. A year later my common friends told me that she had been telling people that I proposed her and she declined. I was devastated by that. I felt she should be sensitive to my feelings. In 7-8 months time after that she got married.

I was heartbroken and never contacted her in past 20 years.  Few years later, I got married and have wonderful wife and 2 kids.

Then one day I received a facebook invite from her and like most people in this column I accepted out of curiosity. I wanted to know how she is doing. We exchanged few courtesy messages such as how many kids you have/I have, etc.

Then I made a mistake of speaking with her on phone. During the phone conversation, I asked her why she contacted me after so many years. Then she told me that she wanted to say sorry to me as she has hurt me. At that point, all my pent up emotions for 20 years came out and I told her how much I was hurt and how I suffered in early years of her marriage.  She was very sympathetic but also said that if I had tried more she would have married me. This was a big blow to me. It was to suggest that I was responsible for the situation.  

We spoke at length on phone for few days after that. I realized that I was getting drawn to her like a magnet. All the time I was thinking of her and wanted her very badly. She also realized it and wanted to accommodate me as much as possible but was saying she can't go any further as she has husband and kids.

We spoke for about 7 weeks.  The more we spoke the more emotions came out and we felt that we should have been together.  My mind was looking at ways to be with her. Rationale part of my brain was telling me that this is not going to lead anywhere and this emotional affair will cause enormous damage to my family /her family.

I was almost emotionally paralyzed during this time and was torn between her and my family.

At this point, I took counsel of some common friends and decided to put a stop to this.

During our last conversation, I told her my situation and how I am suffering emotionally and also told her that I will not call her again. She wanted to maintain contact as a friend. However, I have not contacted her in last 2 years and deactivated my facebook account.

However, I am not fully recovered and her thoughts come to my mind all the time. I have to tell myself that not marrying me was her decision and not mine.

I spend enormous effort every day to keep her away in mind but many times it turns out to be a futile effort.

At times, I feel that I should take professional psychiatric help to overcome my mental state.

I also feel that I should not have accepted her invite and definitely not spoken with her.

First Love Forms an Enduring Bond - - Jul 27th 2012

Why do people think a first love is a less worthwihle life experience than a marriage contracted in later years?

Of what real value is a marriage certificate when one or both partners have had loving relationships with one or more people in the past?

And why should anyone deny the real feelings they have for a first or former love just for the sake of a spouse, wiith whom the only thing to look forward to is growing old?

Life is too short not to re-connect with a first love who holds in a real and intimate sense a unique part of one's youth.





If one or both are married, don't do it! - - Jun 12th 2012

Don't make the contact.  Don't answer the call if you are contacted.

I was contacted in 2008.  There wasn't as much information, or personal experience, to tap into as there is now.  I saw the name and sat on the request for some time, but finally, out of curiosity, I answered.  I knew something was off from the very beginning but ignored the warning signs, because, quite honestly, I was enjoying the attention.  To think I risked my marriage for flattery and a little attention makes me ashamed of myself today.

It did not turn out well.  There was a reason my relationship with this person ended some thirty years ago.  He was manipultive and controlling.  He smothered me. After four years of dating him in college, I had to get away.  Why on Earth did I let him back in?  Vanity I guess.  Turned out he never lost that obsession he had with me way back when.  Since he had been married to another woman for 29 years, I figured he outgrew it or got help with it.  He didn't.

He left some of our communications out for his wife to read.  I believe now this was intentional.  She promptly filed for divorce. I am still married but the scars from this will be with me, and my marriage, for a long time. I really wish I had never gotten involved.

Not FB, but a rekindling that kicked me to the curb - Chrissy - May 2nd 2012

My significant other of 12 years broke up with me 3 months ago.  It turned out that for the past year, he has been in telephone contact, and has seen at least 3 times, a past girlfriend from 40 years ago.  After they stopped being involved, they stayed friends and she was his roommate for a while.  He had other girlfriends, and then married for 19 years.  Then he met me and we were together for 12 years.  Things were rough the past year or so in our relationship, so he complained to friends, and one of them put him in contact with this woman from his past.  They hit it off (she was so crazy about him back then that she moved several times to be near him, even when they were only friends).  He finally told me about it in January, 2012, and that broke us up.  I was crushed and still care for him deeply.  However, I am getting vibes that things are not going so well with them.  Their relationship is long-distance (1300 miles apart).  They talk on the phone all the time and have seen each other once this year (that I know of).  A friend and I recently bumped into him visiting a mutual friend in the hospital, and when my girlfriend asked how things were going with his relationship, she told me that he rolled his eyes and gave her a look like things were not going well.  This old flame/friend was so obsessive back then when they were young, I think she can only be 10 times more obsessive now that she is 59 years old and never married anyone else (although she did have a son, now in his 20s).  I don't think he'll move to her, but she may move up to him.  I can't believe that she isn't even more obsessive than he told me she was before (while we were still together he had mentioned her).  Anyway, it could have been on Facebook.  It's still the same outcome.

Go For It....I reconnected after 30 Years - Tom - Feb 8th 2012

I re-connected after 30 years with a girl I met in Graduate School.  We were both earning our MBA's.  Since we graduated with serious degrees and we were only 24 years old, we both pursued our career goals and ultimately lost touch.  
Via linked in we re-connected about a year and a half ago.  We live 1,500 miles away from each other, which is fortuitous as there is definitely still a very strong connection.  I've been married for 25 years and she about 22.  My wife and I have a child, and she and her husband have no children.  
We've seen each other twice, and email each other almost daily.  We've become best friends by every definition.  Don't know if we might ever be "together" as a couple, but having an old friend of the opposite gender is so rare, and precious.  
Reconnecting has been very cathartic and has filled in a lot of voids, i.e. those questions about why we grew apart.  

In reading most of the other cautionary emails about not reconnecting, I would disagree.  Life is very short and fleeting.  Having this girl back in my life as a friend has been truly wonderful.  

I will say, my wife is European, and culturally Europeans are far more accepting of such dalliances.  In fact my wife has an old flame who she corresponds with occasionally.  So, my marriage is accommodating of this association.  
If you don't try you'll always be guessing.....


30 Years Later - - Jan 19th 2012

So, it was not on Facebook but it was LinkedIn actually. I met this girl in college when we were both 18. She was my first girlfriend and first love. We went out for almost three years until she moved away for her final year of college to work at a hospital. I was so young back then and was not ready to settle down. I also felt though I absolutely loved this girl to death and was certain she felt the same way, that we just were not compatible enough in certain ways. It was a simple question really. If we weren't going to get married ultimately, I needed to let her go.  It was a logical decision.  So, I intentionally allowed us to drift apart. She found another guy in no time flat then she broke it off, without an emotion on her face while she was doing it.  It was surprising because only 10 days before, she had sent me a letter and in that letter said how much she loved me. So, I was blindsided and have absolutely horrible memories of that day. The next year was very difficult for me. It has always seemed strange to me because I felt it was my idea and since I could not break it off, I got her to do it. She did exactly what I wanted her to do. 

Since things ended so badly and this person always meant a lot to me , I had been looking for her for many many years.  I had always wanted to talk to her one more time after the dust had settled but could never find her.  Finally after 30 years, I found her on LinkedIn. I thought it would be no big deal. Hopefully, we would see each other one more time - talk about stuff, laugh, cry, hug, whatever and feel better about things. However she refused to see me.  It would not sit well with her husband.  You see, we have both been happily married for over 25 years. It turns out she married that guy she met back then - the one she was seeing at the same time she was seeing me (though keeping it from me). I found someone else a year later that I married. Still, I often thought of this girl. I never had second thoughts for a minute on how things turned out but I would always really care about this old girlfriend.  

In either case, after finding her and communicating on email, strong emotional memories came flooding back from that time.  It completely knocked me on my ass.  I was stunned. I am normally a very rational and logical person - quite resilient and with a really wonderful life. Somehow this thing - it was like I was reliving the feelings I had from th e past. They were emotional memories more than of specific events.  I was like falling into a rabbit hole - I went into some episode of depression, which I do  not recall ever having happened to me in my life. Something about reliving a past trauma. None of it made any sense to me at all. During this time, I sent her a long letter on what happened at the time and telling her the things I always wanted to say afterwards, which I had been meaning to do for all those years (had written it three times actually). None of it was bad. I think it was pretty good actually. 

So, was it a good thing or a bad thing? I do not know. It did not bother my wife. She has never been jealous of this person in the least.  She was quite supportive actually.  There are definitely some good things that came out of it. It was good for my marriage believe it or not. It helped me learn how there were expectations that I carried forward from that relationship that I had not realized which were unproductive to my marriage. It helped me face some feelings that I tried in numerous ways to run away from in various ways all those many years ago.  However it was very disruptive to my life for several months.  I do not know how it affected this old girlfriend. She probably just did not care very much. It was so long ago. Ancient history. She dumped me for someone who was better for her and never looked back. She probably never realized how hurt was back then.  I will never know because I will never have a conversation with her of any substance or ever see her again. Based on her curt email messages, my guess is it was no big deal but then, you could never know what she was feeling/thinking unless you could see her face.  If we had actually have met in person, would it have let to anything? I seriously doubt it but then maybe I could be wrong and it would have been a bad idea. 

Oh well.  

Pandora's writing on the wall? - - Jan 9th 2012


When you add a friend in Facebook, you are signing up to see this friend's every utterance in your feed, and visa versa. This is like choosing to keep a framed picture of someone on your wall and walking past it daily. You also agree that your friend can have picture of you on their wall and can see it as often as they like. Unlike a framed portrait, you and your friend are a click away from contact, should a post inspire you in some way. While you are not actively in contact, you are passively agreeing to remain in contact.

So, if you friend a former lover, even if you are not actively sending them personalized email, you are passively reminding them of your presence with every wall post. Even if you aren’t seeking contact from your former lover, you will passively receive a reminder of their presence every time they post.

My wife has an ex on her Facebook friends list. Without snooping, I noticed her ex’s posts in her feed when she pointed out a post from another friend. After repeadetly seeing his smiling icon looking me right in the eye, I told her seeing his face made me feel uncomfortable. While she took my comment as an attempt to control who she contacts, she did take him out of her news feed. This was really only half a solution -- while she no longer sees HIS status updates, HER wall posts will continue to show up on his wall as long as they remain Facebook friends. This situation probably showcases my own insecurities, I have no reason to believe that the contact is anything but innocent.

I know we can’t put our past in a box throw it away; in fact, that box maybe should be kept on a shelf in the back of a closet. Our past make us who we are today. In fact, I am not bothered by keeping mementos of past relationships, or even a box of such mementos on a shelf in the back of a closet. Facebook friending an ex is several orders-of-magnitude more bothersome, at least to me.

I just think the whole ex-on-facebook thing is a virtual Pandora’s box.


15 years later the chemistry was still intense - Liisa - Jan 7th 2012

At the age of 20 I fell in real love for the first time.  That kind of love that creates that 'impression' or bond that stays with us our whole life.  Even though the relationship ended after five years, the effects of that relationship shaped all my following relationships.  He was the man who become my reference for all relationships, friendships, familial relationships, even relationships with my children.  Regardless that the relationship was over, the impression was there and was lasting.  We didn't have contact for almost 15yrs.  Then he came up on Facebook.  The instant feelings of chemistry and familiarity and comfort were as strong on the day I saw his name pop up as they were at the most comfortable part of our relationship. That was two months ago.  Today we will spend the weekend together.  After fifteen years we couldn't deny the everlasting bond we had created with each other and decided that we will live out our lives treating that bond with gentleness and respect.  It makes me wonder how many others will forever deny themselves the joy of reconnecting and rediscovering someone who may have shaped the very person they are today.  I will not take this opportunity for granted... This man has claimed what has always been his, my heart.

He found Old Girlfriend on Facebook & left me - lisa - Dec 28th 2011

I was in a 16 year relationship with a man I loved with all my heart and was going to marry. We weren't having any major problems. We were thinking of having his mother move in with us soon. However he was always on the computer - facebook. He seached, found & contacted his old girlfriend. I overhead him on the phone with her and confronted him. He said it was nothing. She knew he was in a long term relationship buy she called & texted him constantly and then agreed to secretly meet him.  Within 1 month he completely blindsided me and LEFT me and our dog for her. 

I found this just in time - Carol - Dec 2nd 2011

This is exactly what I've been looking for to bring me back to reality.  I recently found an ex-bf, V, is now divorced.  I found him on on a professional website and have been tempted to contact him.  We met when we were 20 and I was looking for a break from my high school boyfriend.  Things moved very quickly and I believed I was in love.  He said he loved me and we had a wonderful time together.  He was fun, smart and treated me like a princess.  But something made me go back to my first boyfriend and I broke this poor man's heart.  I've been married for 24 years now and they have been happy.  But thinking about this old love again has me wondering "what if".

After reading these posts warning of the consequences, I hope I can put these old feelings aside and move on.

Feels like a slap in the face - Heartbroken - Dec 1st 2011

I was extremely hurt to find out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman he had gone to school with. They live two states away from each other. Some of the things he wrote I had never heard him say to me. I was crushed. I was also 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. This woman is still on his Facebook, 2.5 years later. No matter what I say or tell him how I feel he hasn't removed her. It is like a slap in the face knowing that she is more important to keep as a friend on Facebook full well knowing how it makes his wife feel. I recently found out that my husband had an affair with a friend of mine - they slept together 4 times - once in our home. I was heartbroken, crushed, lost, betrayed etc. I could believe it. I don't understand why even after the affair he would keep this other woman on his Facebook knowing all the hurt and heartache he has caused me...I am just stupid?

I swore it would never happen to me! - - Nov 20th 2011

After years of chastising people for reconnecting past boyfriends I found myself in the very situation that I swore would never happen...

26 yeaers ago, age 16, I fell in love with my "first". David and I were very much in love. Very connected in ways that was unexplainable. We were eachother's "first" love and after 7 months of being in a very committed relationship bad news happened...My parents, who are divorced, decided to have me move back across the country to live with the other parent. Ending the relationship wasn't something we did when I left. It was something we both were committed to working out. Unfortunately, 3000 miles and long distance charges prevented us from being able to contact each other as much as we would have liked. Then an old boyfriend came into the picture for me and cause a huge fight with David...that was the last time I heard from him. Two husbands, two children and 26 years later I get a FB message from him asking if I remember him...My heart raced, and immediately I responded and friended him. The connection was immediate! Even though my marriage is very strong, and I'm very committed to this marriage and my family, I'm finding myself head or heals in love with  this man! Everything about him! He feels the same way towards me! Both of us are married with 2 kids, marriages of 20 years. Neither one of us want to do anything to hurt our/eachothers families. Yet, our love is so strong and so intense that we talk multiple times a day and text from the moment he wakes till the moment I fall asleep. I've been somewhat honest with my very understanding, non-jealous husband. I've asked if I could talk with him and be friends with him. Now, David has asked me to come and see him. After a long conversation with my husband, and dealing with the ghost  of my past that still haunt me, he's agreed to let me go out and see him! In 14 days, I will be face to face with my first love again. The feelings we have for eachother are so strong...not sure that they ever went away or if I just pushed them underneath a rug and went on with life. Looking and learning about this man and who's become has been the most amazing experience. I've truely fallen in love with him all over again! Now what to do...we've decided to stay with our spouses, as nothing is worth hurting our children, and see eachother as often as 3000 miles apart will allow. FB has allowed him to find me and allowed us to reconnect with eachother...I love him and he loves me...thank you fb for helping him find me.

Addicted to Risk, Stimulus - Leatherneck77 - Nov 16th 2011

After 28 years of marriage to a wonderful woman I have reconnected to a childhood sweetheart -- we call each other our first love -- and I have know this is a stupid thing to do -- she has emptiness in her current marriage, but I do not. So why am I doing this? I feel it has something to do with bringing back that youthful innocence of 43 years ago (we were both virgins and left each other that way at 13) which we so greatly miss in midlife (I'm 57, very fit). I've met with that sweetheart when I got back from an overseas assignment, and it was a wonderful reunion. Not unlike when we were "dating" 44 years ago, we had to steal precious moments due to our parents, we now steal those moments due to our spouses. Many years ago I read Psychology Today article on stimulus addicts where they discussed sky diving (which I was very active in) and it described me to a tee. I know Dr Laura would give me hell.

Appreciate hearing more comments on this.

Technology hasn't changed much. - - Nov 6th 2011

Always the same story.  Only the tools of the game change.  It has become much easier to find people for both good and bad reasons.  But bring this down to the central question of what your intentions are and what outcome you desire.  (Read are you currently unhappy.)  If you are moving through a series of HS memories and just want to say hello, as I have, there is no harm.  I never used facebook to find the other person.  We talk via email once every couple of years and I am happy to see that they are successful and accomplished in what they wanted to pursue.  As far as rekindling, there was something that caused an end to the relationship and I choose to leave it at that.  I don't deny that I still care.  But I will never meet them in person even though I am currently very unhappy in my marriage of 15 yrs.

Being Single it aint so great either - - Oct 27th 2011

I am male. I have 239 friends on Facebook, some on Myspace, and some on Google+. I'm single. I've actually never been in a relationship. How do you introduce a girl to all of these 'virtual friends' without her wondering about who they are and what we've talked about?  I seriously have done nothing but post idiotic oneliners, musical posts, etc. constantly, with an occasional attempt at getting a girl's attention, but those girls were never interested. So what I am saying here is that since in 2004 when I got my first social network account (MySpace) until now I had not found even one girl interested in going out with me until earlier this year, one girl I used to work with added me on Facebook, I said to call me sometime and she did. I was amazed that I actually got some kind of response from a girl and she wanted to hang out. This was after many many adds and deletes of Myspace friends back in the day, and all of these facebook friends I have now. Okay so we hung out a little, and then one day I say something stupid on facebook (which BTW has nothing to do with any past lovers, since I don't have any) and she gets upset and deletes me. I delete her number off my phone. Weeks later I discover I have her email address I had from way before, so I email and ask if we can still talk, and I get her number again after thinking she wouldn't call and my deleting even her email address.  Now my only way of contacting her is by phone, and to tell you the truth, I think that's the only way that's going to get me anywhere. The internet is too impersonal to create and keep relationships. I hope she doesn't see this comment.

Old Friend - Anonymous - Oct 2nd 2011

My fiance is (was) friends w/ a girl who was friend, and also ex-girlfriend. They only dated for a very brief time and she is married now. But she has texted him out of the blue on his b-day and made a comment on his FB page. The other day, she came up again, we had a fight about it and he ended up deleting her from FB, but only after sending her a message letting her know I was the reason he was deleting her and that they could def stay in contact via messaging. That really hurt me. Our relationship is great right now, but in marriage, there is bound to be a rough patch at some point. And if you are keeping in touch w/ an old friend/g/f, when the rough patch comes, and that person is contacting you, it can be a dangerous situation to put yourself in. I trust my fiance and I know he loves me, but it's like he doesn't see where I am coming from. If he could really see how hurtful messaging her privately was, even if innocent, I don't think he'd do it. I just don't understand why it's so important for him to maintain a friendship with her. If they hadn't slept together, it wouldn't be a big deal. But knowing your partner has been intimate with this person and they have known your spouse in a way that is really the most intimate thing you can share with a person. My advice for anyone out there who really wants to protect their relationship, and show their spouse how much they truly love them, is to NOT stay in contact w/ ex sexual partners, even if they are now just friends. Your wife/husband will be so grateful and truly feel loved when you make it known that you have NO need to stay in contact with that person. I have told my fiance that he should just go ahead and FB friend her again, so at least their contact is public. Because he said since he couldn't be FB friends w/ her, he was going to stay in touch w/ messages. That's even MORE contact than they had before, so either way, I'm uncomfortable. I don't have a choice though b/c apparently it is extraordinarily important for him to maintain his friendship w/ this other woman. I can only hope and pray that one day he will see how uncomfortable it makes me and not have a need to "stay in touch" with her. In the meantime, I've have to suck it up and be uncomfortable. Because if I don't he will probably think I'm the bad guy. If he ever was uncomfortable w/ any relationship I had w/ the opposite sex, I would end the friendship immediately. Especially if it was a man I'd had sex with. I'm really hurt that he had to message her and detail why he was deleting her from FB. It's like his loyalty to their friendship was more important than simply respecting mine and his relationship and defriending her without letting her know "how wrong I am for making him delete her". I felt like he threw me under the bus in order to maintain their friendship. I really don't understand why he would do that. I know it's not for cheating reasons, but we are supposed to be BEST friends, and he threw his BEST friend under the bus in order to spare the feelings of an old friend/g/f//. Anyhow, I hope that maybe some of you out there read this, see how long it is and realize it is NOT worth hurting/disrespecting your spouse by explaining breaking off a friendship w/ the opposite sex, or WORSE YET, telling the person that "we will always be friends no matter what and lets keep in touch thru messaging". 

I just want to know why... - - Sep 29th 2011

My first "love" contacted me, on facebook, after 23 years.  He was apparently going through a divorce, and just wanted to "make sure I was OK" after the horrible position he put me in as a teenager.  It's obvious that I'm married, in grad school and doing "OK" for all intents and purposes.  Atleast I was until he came out of the closet I locked a long time ago. 

He told me I "was the the love of his life at that time."  It immediately sent me on an emotional rollercoaster of which I have yet to come off.  I ended contact, but I still want to talk to him...

Was it guilt?  Was he just lonely and wanted to see if I was lonely too?  Did he want to rekindle an old relationship?  I wish he'd NEVER have contacted me, because it only reopened alot of grief that had I put behind me.  Now, I am older and finding it more difficult to deal w/the feelings/questions his intrusion left behind.  I just want to know what he really wanted...

I did,He didn't - Tanya - Sep 5th 2011

I joined facebook 2 years ago to keep up with my relatives and siblings and children. We all get busy and a few comments to read are easier than phone calls or long emails. I showed my husband how to set up a facebook account. The next thing I know he is searching for old girlfriends and old lovers and adds them to his account. I asked him not to do that and he assured me he wouldn't continue to do that. Well he kept doing that. Again I said I didn't like that. He said he would delete his account if I deleted mine, if it bothered me that much. I deleted my account right then. He did not. He told me he did, and when others would comment about facebook, he said his wife didn't like him to have facebook, like I am his moral godmother. He also said he didn't know if he still had a facebook account. Six months later I walk in the room and he is using facebook. He works nights and I work days, so he would say he is so tired and he is going to bed and then when I leave, he's up and on facebook. He has lied about small things in the past and granted I do have trust issues because of his previous issues with porn, history deletion and his so called right to privacy. I learned to stop looking for reasons to not trust him and here it is again with all its glory. Everytime I think I could trust him, he messes up.  All I am saying is people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I hide nothing and never will.  


When it's the best thing you've ever done - dina - Jul 24th 2011

Social media reconnections are definitely a phenomenon of our time. In general, I agree that within the context of an existing exclusive relationship it's probably best to make an agreement not to contact past loves. However, I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself about how happy you are in your present relationship, and about your past relationships.

I'm saying this because I am one of the people who reconnected with a past love thanks to facebook, and now I am married to him. He contacted me after 26 years of no contact. We'd had a relationship 28 years before that had been the best relationship of both of our lives. We were young, it was the 80's, and we were both clueless about how to handle the kind of love we'd been given. We let the relationship drift away amid an inability to communicate, which resulted in grave misunderstandings and assumptions.

We didn't know any of this until our reconnection, when we pieced together all the puzzle pieces. We discovered that our feelings for each other were still there. He was very unhappily married to the same woman he married just after me. He didn't even have to think twice about leaving the marriage to be with me. I was unattached, a single mom, but living in another state and in grad school. We both made big sacrifices to be together.

We have been married for a year now, and neither of us have never been happier. We learned some very profound lessons about communication and forgiveness. We couldn't be together now if we weren't able to totally forgive each other for past mistakes. Our relationship is so important to us now that neither of us would ever do anything to jeopardize it, which means there is no power struggle. We are much more mature and well-equipped for a lifelong marriage. We are the luckiest people in the world.

The bottom line is that sometimes these reconnections truly are the ability to finish the unfinished business of the past. But it requires intense honesty and emotional maturity. 

Curiosity Killed the Cat -- or did it? - - May 24th 2011

This is something that has been vexing me for some time as well.  About 32 years ago, my first love and I got together in junior year in high school.  (We met through mutual friends and it was love at first sight, at least for me.)  I thought we would be together forever, only to have been broken up two months later (my parents ended it, as we were caught getting a bit too "hot and heavy" for their liking, not to mention they found his punk rock attitude a bit offputting.). 

Yes, he was my "first", sexually, and we spent many hours together not only enjoying one another's company, but also talking, watching TV/going to movies and listening to music (I credit my ex with having been a big influence on my musical tastes.  Very reminiscent of the novel/movie "High Fidelity.")

Post-breakup, we'd occasionally cross paths during senior year and while keeping it friendly, my ex didn't re-pursue me.  (Yet a big part of me still longed for him.)  And even over the years, there was still a wish to find him again, if only in someone else.  Never came quite close, although the man I married does have some similar traits.

The past year or so, I've tried to look for him online (but seemed to have kept "under the radar").  He still lives in my hometown, got married, and, I'm sure, is a much different person from the one I met years ago.  Yet I wonder...

What makes it hard is that I just discovered he has a Facebook page.  I'm on the fence whether to friend him or not, but everything I've been reading seems to think it'll be akin to opening a Pandora's box I might not be able to close. I wonder if A)  I'll respark a dormant curiosity in him -- and we'll both be treading on shaky ground; B) have my request ignored outright, and just have to move on and cherish those memories; or C) he'll respond, and it'll be harmless (meaning, I'll not be all excited over him in the same way I was years ago).  Not sure what I want to do, so I still ponder the possibilities.

FWIW: My DH and I are both on Facebook, and we both have friends of both sexes, and are forthright about this.  Even my last ex before I met DH is a friend, but I've been able to maintain a relationship that is purely platonic, no flirting whatsoever. 


Opening the box - Pandora - Jan 30th 2011

I chose to break up with my first serious bf 14 years ago ... and  married  the 'other' guy  who was 'responsible' for the break up. Two kids later and i realised i was still hung up on my first love when i found myself constantly reminiscing and idealising our relationship.  At the time, because i was still married, i fed my curiosity through doing internet searches to find out where he was and what he'd been up to.  When my husband passed away and finding myself newly single, i felt the urge to contact him, having already found him on FB.  I guess it was through curiosity of finding out how he'd respond, to tell him how much i regretted how i had treated him and also to let him know (subtly) that i was available and hadnt forgotten him.  He immediately replied saying he was pleased to hear from me and sent me a friend request, which i strongly deliberated and then finally decided against accepting (partly because i didnt want him to fill in the gaps of my past life by looking at my pics and partly because most of my friends and family would have noticed..)  This was last Wednesday that i made contact and all i can say is that it's been one long emotional and mental rollercoaster ride since then.  It's forced me to deal with a lot of repressed emotions and deal with both the loss of the FL and also my husband.  Not sure if this will lead anywhere though, but i'm hoping desperately for some closure on this so that i can move forward and get on with my life....  Part of me however is wondering whether i'm better off now or whether i should have just kept the lid firmly on that box... Just for the record, the FL is single, but lives thousands of miles away - even so, as with any online connection, the connection is so immediate and can really knock you for six if you're not prepared to deal with the sudden onslaught of emotions...

overseas love - - Jan 28th 2011

My advice to anyone thinking of contacting a past love is to really think it through. If you are married and basically happy in your life, keep memories, memories. I didn't think it through, in fact I had forgotten much of this past relationship. Actually had forgotten the emotional part of it. It was stirred by a friend's return from her honeymoon to the country where I met him. That's when the search began. I was happy to find him alive and well so I thought I'd send him an email wish him well and thank him for all his kindness from way back when. Days passed from when I sent the email and as they did more of my memories returned to me but it was too late to unsend the email. At the time I met him I was in an extremely abusive relationship. Actually fled the country to get away from it, had no intentions of meeting anyone but life has it's own plan. We didn't hit if off at first but gradually his persistence wore me down. At the time I was 24, he 10 yrs my senior. He was always the perfect gentleman, never before had I been treated so well. I didn't make it easy for him not used to such kindness; he was extraordinarily patient. It was during a picnic that I began to realize  there was more going on between us than friendship. He asked me about my life and during the course of telling him I caught his gaze. I will never forget those blue eyes and my only thought was please don't do this, don't love me because I'm not worthy of you. I was a mess with the social graces of a bull in a china shop. I could never fit into his upper class world. Time seemed endless, almost as if it were standing still but eventually only days remained before I was to return home. We had never talked about our feelings or me returning home. I was up late one night thinking out all my options. My foolish young conclusions were he was too old, an ocean separated us, I was not good enough for him; just any reason why I shouldn't stay or at least express how I felt about him. The social setting for my departure did not allow for any last passionate kisses goodbye, my offered hand was kissed. I had forgotten the pain I felt having to look into those blue eyes one last time, knowing I'd never see him again. 

I cried now as I did then and couldn't understand how I had forgotten. My life was in such an upheaval then and I know I rationalized it was all for the best burying the pain deep. After all, he didn't try to stop me from leaving. While overseas I had contacted a friend I once considered my soulmate and dated. He said he freaked when he got my postcard because he didn't think I was coming back to the States. When I returned home he helped me move out of my ex's house.  He swept me off my feet and three years later we were married, life went on. I have a wonderful husband and family. When I think of all the memories  I wouldn't trade them in for anything, deep down I'm grateful. My overseas friend's life turned out pretty much the way I figured, a prominent figure, an illustrious career... I believe we are both where we were meant to be. I regret sending the email and regret not telling him how I felt back then. As I sat one morning thinking about him my computer chimed that I had an email. When I saw the name I was so excited but all that died when I read his reply. He was afraid I had the wrong person. So either he had forgotten me, didn't want to have any contact with anyone from the past or does remember and doesn't want to ruin the life he has...I could spend days trying to figure things out but the fact is I have everything I need. That I'm sure is where he is in life even though at times his life has been fraught with controversy. That I could experience all these emotions as if all this happened yesterday was a little scary. The years really melted away the more pictures I found of him and with that the more emotions/memories returned.

So unless you are absolutely prepared for the outcome of reconnecting with a past love it's best to be grateful for happy memories. Whatever you decide if you are married or the other person is I hope you respect the spouses to be honest about your contact with one another. If you can't be, secrets are so damaging to any relationship. Don't rationalize what you are doing because all you are doing is making an excuse. Really think it through why you need to contact the person, what you expect from it and where you hope it goes once you've reconnected. I didn't and was so hurt by the reply especially since all the memories flooded back in. The memory of him is still sweet to me even because history can't be changed. I will always cherish what I had with him. I believe it happened because I needed a gentle kind man at that point in my life. He was the beginning of a healing phase for me. There was no mistake I had contacted the right man because I could never forget those blue eyes.

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