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Darlene Lancer, JD, MFTDarlene Lancer, JD, MFT
A blog about Women’s Issues, Self-esteem and Relationships

The Dance of Intimacy

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Updated: Jan 27th 2011

The relationship duet is a dance of intimacy all couples do. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners reverse roles as well, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is the Pursuer chases the Distancer forever, but never catches-up, and the Distancer keeps running, but never gets away. They negotiate the emotional space between them. We all have needs for both autonomy and intimacy - independence and dependency, yet we simultaneously all fear both being abandoned (acted by the Pursuer), and being too close (acted by the Distancer. Thus, we have the dilemma of intimacy: How can we be close enough to feel secure and safe, without being threatened by too much closeness? The less room there is to navigate this distance, more difficult the relationship. The greater sense of self a person has, the more flexible and comfortable s/he is with greater distance and greater closeness. There is less anxiety, and hence less demand on the relationship to accommodate a narrow comfort zone.

happy older coupleORIGINS: Current research suggests that intimacy problems originate in the early relationship between the mother and infant. Babies and toddlers are dependent on the mothers' empathy and regard for their needs and emotions in order to sense their "selves," to feel whole. To an enfant or toddler, emotional or physical abandonment threatens its existence and emerging ego, because of its dependency on the mother for validation and development of wholeness. Later, as an adult, being alone or separations in intimate relationships are experienced as painful reminders of the earlier loss.

If the mother is depressed, intrusive, or lacks wholeness and self-esteem herself, there are no boundaries between her and her child. Rather than responding to her child, she projects, and sees her child as an extension of herself, an object to meet her own needs. She can't value her child as a separate "self." The child's boundaries are violated, and its autonomy, feelings, thoughts, and/or body, are disrespected. Instead of developing a healthy sense of self, the child discovers that love and approval come with meeting the mother's needs, and tunes into the mother's responses and expectations. The child learns to please, perform (or rebel), but in either case, gradually tunes out its own thoughts, needs, and/or feelings. Later, intimacy may threaten the adult's sense of autonomy or identity, or he or she may feel invaded, smothered, controlled, shamed, and/or rejected - emotionally annihilated. A person may feel both abandoned if his or her feelings and needs are not responded to, and at the same time, engulfed by the needs of his or her partner. In relationships where partners lack self-esteem, sustained intimacy isn't possible, because the fears of nonexistence and dissolution are so strong, and because there are not two separate, whole people coming together.

COPING STRATEGIES: Our defenses are the way as children we learned to behave in order to feel safe, without risking this abandonment or annihilation. As adults these behaviors create miscommunication. For instance, if you repress your anger to ensure closeness, you stand a good chance of alienating your partner, unaware that you may be expressing your anger indirectly. If you ignore your partner in order to create distance, you inadvertently devalue him or her, creating another problem.

Change and growth come in discovering your coping strategies, and learning new responses and behaviors.

Ask yourself: Am I aware when I need space and intimacy? How do I create space in my relationships? How do I protect my autonomy?

Do you criticize, blame, withdraw, or use substances to create space, be left alone, or lessen intense feelings. Or do you avoid closeness or openness by joking around, lying, showing off, giving advice, or by talking about others or impersonal subjects?

Do you get overly involved with people outside your partnership (e.g., children, friends, affairs), or activities (e.g., the internet, work, sports, gambling, shopping)? These activities dilute the intimacy in the relationship.

On the other hand, ask: How do I create closeness? How do I ensure that I will be loved and not abandoned? Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by caretaking and pleasing others?

When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. When this happens you cannot communicate effectively, nor take into consideration your needs and those of your partner. Instead, the relationship is based on unconscious manipulation of one another to meet your needs. This triggers your partner's defensive reactions.

DISOWNED SELVES: Relationships can serve as mirrors for unacknowledged or "disowned" parts of ourselves. Often people attract their opposite into their lives to make them whole.

The Pursuer is unconscious that s/he is also afraid of closeness, but relies on the Distancer to achieve enough space for the Pursuer's needs for autonomy and independence. Similarly, the Distancer is afraid of abandonment, but cannot experience the wish for emotional closeness as his or her own. S/he would feel too vulnerable, so s/he needs a Pursuer to satisfy her or his intimacy needs.

The Distancer says of the Pursuer: "She (or He) is too demanding, too dependent, too emotional, or too needy." And wonders "Can I love? Am I selfish? What I give seems never enough."

The Pursuer says about the Distancer: "He(or She)is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way." And wonders "Is there something wrong with me? Aren't I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?"

They each blame one another and themselves. The Distancer feels guilty for not meeting the other's needs, and the Pursuer feels angry for not getting his or her own needs met. In reality, the Distancer judges the part of him or herself that is needy, dependent and vulnerable, and the Pursuer judges the part of him or herself that is selfish and independent, but each sees the part they don't accept in themselves projected onto the other. Both need to embrace the dependent and independent, feminine and masculine, parts of themselves.

CHANGE: The key to breaking this polarization is by becoming conscious of our needs and feelings, and risking what we fear most. It requires awareness of our coping behaviors and resisting the impulse to withdraw or pursue. It takes tremendous courage not to run when we feel too close, and not to pursue when we feel abandoned, but instead, learn to acknowledge and tolerate the emotions that arise. This may trigger very young feelings of shame, terror, grief, emptiness, despair, and rage. With the help of a therapist, these feelings can be separated from the present circumstance, in which as adults our survival is no longer at stake. As the feelings are worked through, a less reactive, stronger sense of self develops, one that is not easily threatened or overwhelmed.

Partners can learn from each other to embrace their disowned needs. The Pursuer can emulate the Distancer's ability to set limits, to take care of his/her own needs, to prioritize, to be less personally involved. The Distancer can learn from the Pursuer's flexibility, ability to reach out and ask, to feel others and to blend boundaries.

Each person must take responsibility for him or herself, rather than relying on their partner to take care of his or her needs for closeness or distance. The Pursuer must risk saying "No," and tolerate the anxiety of separation, saying, "I can't help you - I need to be alone." The Distancer must risk saying, "I miss you, I need you." In the movie, "The Doctor," William Hurt plays a busy, successful doctor, whose wife feels neglected and abandoned. It's only when Hurt gets brain cancer that he finally acknowledges and risks telling his wife that he needs her.

Each must learn to ask for togetherness and space directly, without feeling guilty, or controlling or blaming each other. When each is able to say "Yes" and say "No," without the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy or abandoned by separation, they won't trigger each other's defensive reaction. When they are conscious of their individual needs, they can acknowledge their partner's needs with respect. They can empathetically hear each other, and wait to have their need satisfied: "I understand and hear your need and its importance to you, but this is also important to me -- can we find a way to compromise?" As couples do this, they will have more authentic intimacy, instead of being locked into an unconscious duet of approach-avoidance.

A relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. But it requires courage - courage to open yourself up and to experience pain. The rewards are worth it, because it is a path of self-discovery and ultimately the divine as we open ourselves to one another. In the process we can heal our wounds, become free of our past conditioning, our defenses, and become truly live in the present.

 

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She’s counseled individuals and couples for 27 years and coaches internationally and is the author of two books: Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies. Her ebooks include: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps and Codependency Recovery Daily Reflections. Ms. Lancer is a sought after speaker at national conferences, on radio, and to professional groups and institutions. Her articles appear in professional journals and Internet mental health websites, including on her own, www.darlenelancer.com and www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.” Find her on www.youtube.com, Twitter @darlenelancer, and Facebook.

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