| |
Basic InformationMore InformationQuestions and AnswersBlog EntriesShame and Avoidant Personality DisorderLoving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)The Narcissist Versus the Narcissistic Personality DisorderSociopath Next DoorParanoia and Conspiracy Theories Sadistic Personality Disorder: The Cleveland TragedyThe Loneliness of AlexithymiaA New Form of Self-Injury, Self-Embedding?What is the Mind and What Is the Brain?Being Obsessive, Do You Second Guess Yourself?Schemas: Single and Repeatedly AloneResentment, Like Holding Onto Hot Coals"Liar Liar, Pants on Fire," The Pathological LiarThe Narcissistic ParentDo You Love a Narcissist?Clarifying and Understanding Those With NarcissismDBT Creator Shares Her Own Personal StrugglesOn Being Married and Loved to Death Unmasking The Deceiver...MyselfDBT-Family Skills Training: A Treatment Model for Families and Relatives of People with BPDNarcissistic vs. Antisocial or Sociopathic Personality DisordersSplitting: Bringing in That Third PartyOur Personality Disorders Topic Center has been Updated!Does the Modern World Promote Schizoid Personality Disorder?Psychotherapy, Do We Really Want to Change? The Role Of Mentalization In The Development Of Borderline Personality DisorderComplementary and Alternative Medicine In The Treatment of Personality DisordersEarly Attachment and Personality DisordersBorderline Personality Disorder And The Ability To Understand Other People Not Feeling Motivated? Try Motivational InterviewingCognitive Behavior Therapy On The iPhoneShyness and Marital ProblemsThere's An App For That: Psychology On The iPhoneTransference Focused Psychotherapy Works and Psychoanalysis Is Not DeadSummer Session - Treatment Resources For College StudentsWhen Judgments Get In Your WayHoardersTherapy And Neural PathwaysDo You Fear Success?Narcissism And What’s Underneath, Part II: Admiration and LoveNarcissism And What's UnderneathPsychopathy And The BrainIs Blogging Good For You?The DSM 5 Personality DisordersNew And Improved? The Proposal for DSM-5 Is HereUnhealthy NarcissismConan and the Tonight Show: Lessons in Radical AcceptanceObsessive Compulsive Personality DisorderAm I Co Dependent or Addicted to Love?An Interview with Joel Paris, M.D. on Treatment of Borderline Personality DisorderAdult AD/HD: Effects on Relationships and Self-EsteemCoping with Emotions: Treating Borderline Personality Disorder and Substance UsePain Perception and Self Injury STEPPS for Borderline Personality DisorderPersonality Disorders and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity DisorderFighting Stigma: Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Wellness for Law Enforcement PersonnelPeople with Borderline Personality Disorder: Good at Reading Others’ Emotions?Avoidant Personality Disorder and Social PhobiaSchizotypal Personality Disorder and SchizophreniaPersonality Disorders and Eating Disorders, Treatment: The Sooner The BetterPersonality Disorders and Eating DisordersWolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder?Personality Disorders and Bipolar DisorderPersonality Disorders Often Come With Other DifficultiesGetting Your Loved One Sober While Improving Your Own Quality Of LifeWhen Your Therapist Goes On VacationIt's Not Me -- It's YouWhat's In A Name? Happiness, In The Long TermWhat is the difference between Transference Focused Psychotherapy and standard psychotherapy?Dual Diagnosis - Personality Disorders and Substance UseAn Interview with Lorna Smith Benjamin, Ph.D. on SASB and the Structure and Treatment of Personality DisordersA few thoughts on regulating intense emotionsPsychotherapy for BPD - what works for whom?Family DBTAddressing Communication Breakdown -- About A Group For Family MembersSpecialized Treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder: What is Transference Focused Psychotherapy?Specialized Treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder: What is Mentalization Based Therapy? Anti Social Personality Disorder and Bernard MadoffOne Good Relationship - About A Project On ResilienceSpecialized Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder: What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?Finding specialized psychotherapy resources for Borderline Personality DisorderAn Interview with Barent Walsh, Ph.D. on the Nature and Treatment of Self-InjuryTherapy for Borderline Personality Disorder – building a life instead of digging up the past?Borderline Personality DisorderDrug Abusers and Close Court SupervisionAn Interview with Otto Kernberg, MD on Transference Focused TherapyBorderline Functioning: Are You the Family Historian?The Proper Name for Eliot Spitzer's brand of hypocrisy is Reaction FormationManaging Game Griefers and Other Community TrollsAn Interview with Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. on Dialectical Behavior TherapyAn Interview with John Clarkin, Ph.D. on Transference-Focused Therapy For Borderline Personality DisorderThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, HealingThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The ChildrenThe Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part IDialectical Behavior Therapy: What Is A Dialectic?Stalemate: When Couples Get Nowhere FastNature, Nurture and PsychopathyPersonality Disorder Diagnoses not all that stable over time. VideosLinksBook Reviews |
| | |
On Being Married and Loved to Death Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: May 13th 2011 Following is an E. Mail comment that describes what many people experience when married to an individual with a particular set of personality characteristics.
The E. Mail:
"My husband and I just got married. He is constantly touching me, grabbing me and kissing me...24/7... He states that he 'just wants to be with me every moment of every day because he loves me so much.'
We have had so many arguments over this because he goes to work and school with me(I'm in college). He sits outside of my work and even comes inside and stands around my work area so that I can't get my work done. It's to the point that my bosses have told him to leave...
He comes to school with me and sits outside in the parking lot, waiting for me even on the hottest days of the year...I can't get dressed in the morning without him following me from room to room. It interferes and it often makes me late...
I find myself suffocated...
We're married 6 months and I haven't been out of his site more than a few hours...He tells me about every thirty minutes that he loves me and wants a hug and kiss....every time I go to the bathroom, every time I get off the couch to get a drink and etc."
This wife goes on to complain that she has to force him to dress in the morning or he will make himself late to work.
The Discussion:
While it's not unusual for newlyweds to go through a period of anxiety as they adjust to one another, this situation goes far beyond the average. Let's examine what might be going on with this new husband.
Attachment Theory:
John Bowlby was the first to propose the concept of Attachment Theory based on his observations of mother/infant relationships. Basically, an infant relies on its mother's nurturing as well as social and emotional development. Future relationships build on the patterns developed with mother and father. A secure attachment to parents fosters attachments to people in adulthood. However, weak attachment to parents fosters anxious attachments in the future.
Based on what this wife describes of her new husband, he doesn't feel securely attached and constantly seeks reassurance. In many ways, he is manifesting separation anxiety. When left alone, he feels terrified that his wife will disappear, resulting in his loss of the person who provides support, nurturing and safety in his life. Another way of stating this is to describe his behavior as needy and dependent. The paradox here is that all of these efforts to ensure security in the marriage actually serve to undermine the relationship, possibly leading to divorce. After all, how much reassurance can anyone provide? It's like trying to fill the proverbial pot that has a gaping hole in the bottom.
This description fits the criteria for Dependent Personality Disorder. Additional characteristics are the inability to make decisions for fear of loss. Rather than stating what is wanted, the strategy is to get others to decide, in this case, the wife. The fear of being alone, based on the sense of self doubt that, "I can care for myself," can lead to attempts to prevent the spouse from going anywhere on this/her own. The constant demand is to be taken care of. This is often a source of great conflict. This type of person even finds it hard to show initiative and, therefore, cannot start projects, much less bring them to completion.
There is another dynamic that should be mentioned here. The dependent person is extremely controlling. In this case, the wife feels much like a "puppet on strings." She cannot get away from him. His efforts at control are motivated by the same force, "Stay with me, care for me, I need you constantly." This can be quite tyrannical.
Why Would Somone Marry a Man or Woman With This Personality?
First, let me say, in defense of all those dependent personalities, these are not bad people. In fact, the people they marry are not bad people. Furthermore, they can benefit very much from psychotherapy. Most often, in a troubled marriage like the one above, marital psychotherapy is called for.
Second, why do any of us marry the people we do? There is no simple answer. However, I will venture a guess. I have said before, in previous blogs, that what starts out as something very appealing often turns into something maddening later on in a relationship. In this case, the husband was warm, loving and attentive. Perhaps he showed some tendency toward dependence but that was no reason to end a relationship with a nice person who was attentive. Don't forget, it is a common thing to minimize some features of a person that we may not like but hope will change with time or, more often, we dismiss them and ignore ithem. Later, it comes back to haunt us.
Does this sound familiar to you? Please post your comments, questions and experiences about this.
Allan N. Schwartz, PhD.
Comment - - May 12th 2011
This is so true. So many little signs are there and present in the beginning of knowing someone. However you are right we don't think about those same traits coming back to haunt us later. I tok a class and as I rememeber learning is that a person will always reveal their true selves to another within the first few times of going out. Often I think people ignore or minimize the behaviors rather than making a "big deal" about them. This is kinda me - Michaeljwjr - May 12th 2011
How does someone who is dependant, stop being dependant? | 
RSS Feed
