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Major Depressive Disorder and Related Conditions

Rashmi Nemade, Ph.D., edited by Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Aug 1st 2016

Major DepressionEveryone has days where they feel blah, down, or sad. Typically, these feelings disappear after a day or two, particularly if circumstances change for the better. People experiencing the temporary "blues" don't feel a sense of crushing hopelessness or helplessness, and are able, for the most part, to continue to engage in regular activities. For people dealing with depressive disorders, negative feelings linger, intensify, and often become crippling. With normal sadness, people are still able to experience pleasure when positive events happen. With depressive disorders, the hopelessness and failure stay even when good things are happening. Other, more intense sorts of symptoms, such as suicidal thoughts and hallucinations (e.g., hearing voices), are also often present. These symptoms suggest that serious varieties of depression may be present, including the subject of this center: Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) or (more informally), Major Depression. Major Depression.

information about depression

Major Depressive Disorder is a common yet serious medical condition that affects both the mind and body. It creates physical (body), psychological (mind), and social symptoms. Informally, we often use the term "depression" to describe general sadness. The term Major Depressive Disorder is defined by a formal set of medical criteria which describe symptoms that must be present before the label may be appropriately used.

Major Depressive Disorder has been typically thought of as a mood disorder. The term "mood" describes one's emotions or emotional temperature. It is a set of feelings that express a sense of emotional comfort or discomfort. Sometimes, mood is described as an extended or ongoing emotion that colors a person's whole life and state of well-being. For example, if someone is depressed, they may not feel like exercising. By not exercising for long periods of time, they will eventually experience the negative effects of an inactive lifestyle such as fatigue, muscle aches and pains, and in some cases, other medical conditions like heart disease.

You may have heard terms like in the past like Unipolar Depression, Bipolar or Manic Depression, but these are separate and distinct disorders. During a particular day or week, people can shift from good (or "up") moods, to bad (or "down") moods, or remain somewhere in the middle ("neutral" mood). A person who experiences significant impairment related to shifting between up and down moods often has bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder can be envisioned as a seesaw movement back and forth between two poles or mood states ("bi" means "two"). In contrast to people with bipolar disorder, people with MDD remain on the down side of the pole; they do not exhibit mood swings. Because they are stuck on the down or depressed end of the mood continuum; they experience a unipolar ("uni" means "one") mood state. It is important to note that bipolar disorder or manic depression was originally described in the Major Depression chapter of the DSM; however, with new research and better understanding of the disorder, experts have now separated bipolar and its related disorders from the depressive disorders in the DSM-5. Visit our bipolar disorder center to learn more about that condition.

According to the World Health Organization, depression is a common illness worldwide, with an estimated 15% of people affected. These people can become disabled by their condition and have problems going to school, work, and meeting their other responsibilities. If they get to school and/or work, they may have difficulty in their relationships with others. A stay at home caretaker such as a mother may have hard time caring for her children and accomplishing daily tasks. As such, daily suffering is not limited to the individual diagnosed with MDD. Spouses, children, parents, siblings, and friends of people experiencing MDD often experience frustration, guilt, anger, and financial hardship in their attempts to cope with the suffering of their loved one.

Major Depressive Disorder has a negative impact on the economy too. Depressive disorders are a leading cause of absenteeism and lost productivity. Although only a small number of people get professional help to relieve a depressive disorder, people with depression are significantly more likely than others to visit a doctor. Some people express their sadness in physical ways, and these individuals may go through extensive and expensive tests and treatments while their depressive disorder goes undiagnosed and untreated. As a result, depression-related visits to doctors account for a large portion of health care spending.

Although the causes of depression are not yet fully understood, we do know that there are a number of factors that can cause a person to suffer from depression. We also know that people who are depressed cannot simply will themselves to snap out of it. Getting better often requires appropriate treatment. Fortunately, there is a wide number of effective treatments available.

This center provides an in-depth look at Major Depressive Disorder by summarizing symptoms and diagnostic criteria according to the current standards, prevalence and course, historical and contemporary understandings of the causes of the condition, as well as diagnosis and treatment.

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    You are worth more than you know! - Peace - Sep 6th 2014

    Please don't end your life.  I know firsthand that depression is the worst thing you can have.  My daughter feels the same way about her life.  She has it also.  Worse than I, her mother.  Theres more to life than a cycle.  Don't you want to travel and see really beautiful things in this word.  The people with their clouds are just an act.  Don't let youself be changed by other situations or people.  You were created by an great one who created you in his image.

    Fight this.  It's worth it.  I have had depression for 40 years now and am still fighting it.  It's doable.  I was afraid of life, people and different situations.  Little by little I have come to find out those things are not going to kill me.  I have kind of grown.  People I am sure love you dearly and it would be heart breaking for everyone.  When you pass on, you stay in the same state of mind you are in now.  

    I pray for you to gain strength because I care about you.  Good luck in your journey. 

    The Cycle - Jessica M - Jul 17th 2014

    Life is hard. I get that. People go to work to slave away to make money to pay bills so that they can continue this endless cycle of work, sleep, eat, pay, work. I’m only seventeen, just had my birthday last week. I don’t have a job, I don’t pay rent, and I can already feel the pull of this endless cycle. I constantly fear of growing up and getting older. From what I’ve seen in my life, which isn’t even the worst some people have, all life is is the cycle. Sometimes we buy a movie, or go to an amusement park, or play videogames to fufill a little thrill in their life, and make themselves feel just a little better, but in the end, that is all it is: a thrill, a distraction from the cycle.

    As a child, as many others have done, I did not fear the cycle, the cycle was a game! And when you were bored, or angry at the little game you were playing, you could stop and do something else, but with 18 looming ahead, the age where I am defined as an adult, I fear the cycle. It is a monster that eats at me, sometimes calling out seductively, preaching of freedom and choice and love, but I see the monster behind the mask. I know the horror that lay beneath.

    What I have seen for months now as my depression, has been a coin flip. Some days I believe that I am invincible, I will beat this and I will be better; others I am choking down a prescription, a little pill taunting me with lies of ‘everything will be alright’. Here is the thing: It will never be alright. No matter where I go or what I do, someone will be pulling around their little thunderstorms to rush over my head. Tornadoes will come and go, people will leave me and come to me only to leave, and the cycle will eat away at me until I can’t be in it anymore, a lonesome old woman with dead family around me, praying again and again for death, but too afraid to take matters into her own hands.

    The race will begin in a year, my adult life, and I have already tapped out, I’m already tired of running in the circular cycle, tired of slaving away to pay for thrills and pills to make my life seem better than it actually is.

    I will die, and I will be forgotten. Just like everyone else. Sorry for those who have to see that and don’t like it. Not everyone wants a basic truth without the bows and ribbons. Ignorance is bliss, but it is also blinding.

    For those who feel the same, i am sorry. clearly you know what i am going through, a seemingly pointless depression, considering not much is actually wrong in my life. i just fear the future... don't you?

    About Depression - About Depression Definition - Jun 23rd 2014

    Depression is a complicated illness. Depression is a disease that can linger and progress for months and years without detection . It's known that some 15 million people in America will be impacted by some type of depression each year. 2/3 of these people, according to estimates, won't seek treatment. Often the sufferers don't even know they're sick. Every day stress is common in the modern world. It has become harder and harder to deal with the every day obstacles of life. Many families are surviving week to week. Trouble in the economy has made it more difficult than ever to keep a good job. Stress can give birth to depression. 

    Depressed - Imogen - Apr 7th 2014

        I'm thirteen years old I have been depressed since I was eight. It started because my mom had an affair with my dad's best friend, my parents would fight all the time and I hated it. now I know most parents fight a lot but was also being bullied it started in first grade. They were forth graders and they would call me ugly and stupid. At the time I would go crying home and tell my mom or the teachers they told me just to ignore them so I tried. Eventually they did something but by then it was to late the thoughts were stuck in my brain and I never forgot them. My friends stopped hanging out with me in third grade I mean they would talk to me but no one ever actually knew anything about me. So that was how my life was till fifth grade when girls started spreading rumors and all that so at the end of the school year my cousin/the person I looked up to with all my heart, moved to pampa Texas. I moved into her house and by that time my parents had gotten divorsed and I realized it was for the better. I went to a new school and got new friends but some how things just got worse. By that time I was just done with caring bad thoughts would instantly pop into my brain. I didn't realize I was depressed until I actually thought about committing suicide. TheN my parents got back together we moved into a house with my uncle and my brother took my room so I had to share one with my parents. Finally we moved into an apartment but them we couldnt pay enough money to have three dogs so we had to get rid of two so of coarse my brother wouldn't give up his so I had to give up my dog the last sense of my happiness. After that every thing seemed pointless so in October I tried to kill myself. When I woke up I cried for hours I had never felt worse it is the absolute worst pain anyone will ever fill. Because you finally think I'm going to be free from this horrible world but it just back fires in your face. I called my mom and I've been getting help since. Nothing seems to help I know it takes time and I really am trying my hardest to be happy but it just isn't helping. I'm on medication but all they ever do is up the dose I just want to be happy again but I just dont know if I can wait that long. ( sorry for taking your time but I just need help, or someone to talk to. dont judge it was the first thing that came tI my mind.)

    help - - Feb 16th 2014

    this poor little girl stuck in my mind as fresh as yesterday, I feel her fear, her sufering, her pain, her strugly to understand why it is she is so fearfull and sad and why people make her hurt so, why they are suck selfish awful things. so she is curesed to to walk this beautiful earth fulled with such barberic things. this poor little girl stuck in my mind as fresh as yesterday, is me after all these long years even though my outside has changed im stil that fearfull 5 yearold little girl inside that wishes to dissapear. 

    just a kid - - Apr 17th 2013

    i am just a kid but about to become a teenager i have bipolar depression and it drives me insane sometimes. i get a lot of mood swings and get ocd occasinaly if something is seriously out of wack. i have had suicidal thoughts but each time i get one i tell myself that my job is to help people to make the world a better place. i can be quiet and it helps people come to me and talk to me when they need to. my bff has learned how to keep me calm when i get into a bad mood swing. i toldanother friend how i was feeling and she told me i probably had depression since i also have hallucinations. i get a lot of flashbacks and a lot of day ja vu moments. i also have fake memories from my childhood the only difference is they are happy memories. i have had no trauma though. my sister is affected by my bpd and she has a lot of frustration.

    Sometimes I wish I'd just go to sleep and not wake up - - Jan 8th 2013

    I'm 32 and I have had depression for longer than I can remember. My ex has my two girls and moved 1400 miles away and hardly let's me talk to them. I have a fiancé but I recently lost my job I had for 7 yrs. I look for work but not much jobs around. Lots of times I think why do I have to have this weight on me dragging me down. I feel like a burden to my family and loved ones. I think every one would be better off with out me to screw up thier lives.  

    Up and down - - Nov 30th 2012

    It seems like the moods are up and down. They come in cycles. It is hard to get up in the morning it seems like the anxiety for me starts in the morning before I wake up. Built up negative thoughts that make it  hard to  get up and face the world. It is very hard sometimes. Does anyone else have these issues in the morning ?

    hardcore depression for 19years - Still here, still fighting - Nov 27th 2012

    Man, I have been reading the posts. I have to say i Quess it helps  me to know some other people have survived with hard core, mind numbing, physically painful, lack of enery to the point beyond logic. Im a strong laborer in good physical condition, I used to be smart but now im a shell of once was. I have forced myself for nearly 20 DAM LONG YEARS to provide for my family I have tryed 50-100 meds. I have used Dexidrine and Adderall with Tramadol for the last 5 years combined with antidepressants that dont work. The stimulants have help me a times feel almost good but it has gotten to a point where all I do is fight to face the dayly war of life, work and get back home in phyical and emotion torment every night. Then I put my self down with xanax and Kolonopin. I dont enjoy much but I carry on because of my father in heaven and my wife and four boys. I thank God for my family, I thank him that he has got me this far. Please pray that I can get better so I can help others, be a good Dad, be a good Husband, be a man of god who helps and loves all the people he can. Eigther way Im still here Im still fighting.

    Hopelessly trapped - Laurie - May 11th 2012

    I'm 36 next month Canada day will by my 17th year aninversary with my common-law husband the devil. I am so trapped. We have 3 children 4 years ago after much fighting and arguing with the devil to stop the cops did a raid on our house accusing my husband of trafficing because he smokes a lot of pot my 3 little children bore witness i had to keep them away for several hours while the cops trashed and destroyed our home then when we got in i had to fix them dinner, repair the house and put them to bed while their dad was taken to the cop shop that night i also started my first night graveyard shifts at a new job. The next morning i sent my two girls to school trying to keep things normal where the cps abruptly kidnapped them from school on the basis that a cop had called them and said their dad was arrested for trafficing apparently i dont exist. He was not however trafficing. My third child was in first year highschool and being rememberance day week he had different days off than the girls so cps did not get their hands on him. We fought the cops and won not once but twice. Cps would not deal with us in court untill they had a leg to stand on but as the cops failed to provide them with a leg they were fortunate enough to buy a judge off afterwards who permitted them custody anyways the judge seemed to be stuck on my devil husband not working while i was working. Lets be clear I work do not collect any services i do not drink or do anything i think thats disgusting being from a family of alcholics and my favorite brother is dead from drugs also a product of the cps doing a great job. There is the true generational dysfunction. The judge ruled generational dysfunction to allow the cps custody, I continued to cry and work FT graveyards to keep myself going my so called devil husband continued to smoke his pot and have fun as usuall while i worked and batteled insomnia he thanked me by not 6 months after my girls were taken by stealing my 7 gold and diamond rings two of them were left to me by my granny who passed away shortly after my brother the other 5 were trinkets he had bought for me over the 14 years we were together all bought for me with my money because he always had excuses why he couldnt work. He stole them and pawned them for a measly 100 bucks to pay off a drug debt the one ring alone from granny was worth about 5 thousand. 14 years with him and breaking my heart further by stealing my beloved grannys rings from me was only worth 100 bucks to him. Shortly after he claimed he got a job with a company and earned his class 1 which i have never seen or a paystub or a T4. His reasoning for stealing the rings was that i had mentioned that i would not leave him to spite the cps so in his mind that meant he could do anything and get away with it. Continuing battling the cps for my daughters back they did not allow us to see them for a year my one girl rebeled against them and snuck visits in with us but everytime she came to us the cops would show up right away and take her away so after a few months of that she realized she could go to any party or drug house and the cops would not bother her at all or look for her unless she was with us. Well now she is lost.  My other daughter took a stand two christmas ago and climbed out her foster mothers window in the middle of a blizzard with no shoes on and hitchiked across town to see us cops picked her up next morning. she went wild and finally both girls won their case with the cps and cps actually handed the girls back to us renouncing responsibility but wanted us to go to court for custody. my older of the two girls had been on the streets for pretty much 3 years by that time so even the simple rules of just go to school and be home on time or let me know so i dont worry was just to much for her and she took off. My other daughter made it okay at home from last oct untill just last month finally the lure of running the streets became to strong for her and same rules just go to school i never had to set a curfew as she was always home at a reasonable time. My devil husband durring this time however had started working for a change in fact he is making over 4 thousand dollars a month as he was showing me the money when he got it but i was still working Ft graveyards then so i never got to touch a penny at about the same time my daughter climbed out the window durring a blizzard, for which i have never seen a pay stub or T4 for the past two years he pays our rent but waits for hydro to be a disconnect before paying it we have had no gas for over 2 months at my older daughters request i quit the graveyards so that i could be awake and alert for her durring the day but she waited for me to quit then took off now i work where i have been struggling to feed the other two teens on 2-3 hundred bucks a month since last november he wont help me with anything else now that he has stolen pawned sold or destroyed everything i have ever owned that had value he only comes home 1 day a week and yells at my son i dont know why maybe cause it makes him feel like a man or part of the family he cant be bothered to be part of my son is the apple of my eye untouched by cps he doesnt smoke or drink or do drugs like my girls do and he goes to school no problem my biggest hassel with him is getting him to go out with friends he doesnt want to cause he doesnt want to party like every one else does. My devil husband refuses to do his taxes we are both 4 years behind now i think it is because it will uncover a lot of lies over the past few years more realistacly so i cant get any returns or childtax or my gst/hst which may give me enough to escape. Welfare wont do anything to help me because of my lack of info on his money and he pays the rent so why complain. Ill tell u why! My heart is broken my girls are both running the streets doing drugs my so called husband is the least trustworthy person i know ( he has cleaned my account out millions of times always with the excuse of o its a bank error i got a visa once from my student loan he cleaned that out too and much more its the rings that hurts me the most of his theivery and his reasoning behind it) My student loan is about 30k my devil husband had a student loan to but of course his is paid right off. He ran my utilility bills through the roof so i cant move and hook them up in my name without some miracle of a fortune. My son is deeply affected by all this as i have always taught my children to stick together as parents die and friends go away but they will always have each other so my son seeing my girls they way they are behaving is breaking his heart seeing his mother stuggle in a mentally abusive relation is tearing him apart as he loves his mom and the so called dad shows up just once a week to yell at him or me or tag us both. Tonight was the very first time my son showed rage he got mad at me for yelling his name down the stairs to make it over his earphones as i had called him 3 times already and he ended up punching a hole in my bedroom wall after he came up the stairs with attitude and i said forget it then. As all i wanted to do was treat him to KFC for a change as with my finances there is no room for treats or extras but i made 20 bucks extra this check and forced a payraise not that it will help much. He feels bad and told me he just cant handle bottling up the rage anymore this is hurting me and my son so much i need to take my son and get away but i dont make enough i cant get any owed tax money to help me and social services wont help and i dont earn anything more than grocerie money from work hours will pick up right away but the job hurts my body so bad in particular my shoulders then i get to come home boil water for dishes and then boil and lug pots of water for a bath, and wounder if today will be the day hydro finally disconnects :\\\'( I am expecting it since March 17 my dead brothers birthday the one day a year i expect peace to remember my loved one my landlord showed up to yell at me as the rent had not been paid. We are so trapped :\\\'( and i am so looking forward to telling the devil i punched the wall to try to prevent further pain for my son that should be fun i think the devil should be home in the next day or two tick tock tick tock 

    PAIN!! and a MODIVATION :) - Amanda - Feb 10th 2012

    im a 13 year old girl. me and my family have been through soo much in life. my mom and my sister suffer from depression. and im also suffering from depression.when i was a little girl(about 7 or 8) i would always see my dad hit my mom. he abused her for years. and i would always remember me and my older sister would peek through the door to see my dad hit my mom, and we would cry. while my brother would watch tv and my lttle sister would be crawling behin us. she finaly, after a long time, left him. we lived on our own(mom,older sister,me,little brother,little sister) for a while and now she has full cusiudy of us. my mom didnt have a job so she was struggling finacliy. but the lady was realy cool with us cuz she would always say ok when you get paid give me the money. and around that time my sister and my mom were getting into alot of verbal fights. so my sister left to go live with my dad. my dad lived with his mom which was about 2 or 3 blocks away from our townhouse. after that i would always sleep with my mom beacuse i would cry at night wanting my sister to come back. at this time i was about 10 years old. and finalyy my mom said i had to sleep on my own. i still remember that day when my mom sat on the side of the bed waiting for me to go to sleep. holding my hand saying its ok, as i cryed my eyes out. i eventuly started to sleep by my self and wasnt scared no more. then my sister came back and she would sleep with me and sometimes my mom. and then i remeber that one night when i was in my moms closet, my mom was on her bed, and my sister was calling for my mom from inside the shower. i wanted to go see what was happening but my mom didnt let me. and when my mom came out, she came out with my sister and they both were crying. i eventuly found out about 20 minutes later that she had cut her self. i felt so bad for her. i thought everything was good with her. and i guessed wrong. i saw her scares about 4 weeks later. and then my 6th grade year ended. i meet cool new friends. but now i was moving because my mom couldnt pay anything off because she had no job. so we moved into her moms(my grandma) house. and that move was about 30 to 40 minutes away.and my grandma was a real WITCH. now if you are still reading i congradulate you. im almost done :). she still is. she would always be on our case. and when i went to this new school, i would eat lunch by my self. it wasnt untill january(6months later) when i found a friend. and we ate lunch together, then i found more frineds. and it was one of the best times of my life.....untill cps came to my grandmas house and they said it wasnt safe at my grandmas house. so they took my family(mom, older sister, me, little brother, little sister) to a hotel for a week. then they put us in a.....shelter. it was horible at first but then, for some weriod reason i felt like that place was my home becuase i meet new people and it was kinda nice. it was a family shelter so only familys could go in there. and then thats when i started to hit rock bottom. and then my sister started to cut again.it was a real bad time for us. and then we moved back to our home town. we now are curently living with my aunt as im typeing right now. lucky its not my grandma lol. but we sometimes get treated bad here but its better than my grandma.my sister hasnt cut her self since we were at the shelter but she did have to go to a hospital because she was very depressed. she is much better now. i love everyone so much. but now this is where i start to feel like my sister. i cry every night. im gaining weight. i feel and i know im depressed. i do sometimes get the need of cutting my self but i dont because i know its bad for me. as you can see my life hasnt always been so lucky but we stick together through thick and thin and a few laughs here and there. i just hope my life gets better for me and my family. im going to graduate 8th grade in 6 months. the reason i wrote this is because i have been through so much in life and im still living. though im living with theses scares in my heart, it gives me modivation to keep moving on in life and never stop :)

    I think I'm still depressed? - Lily - Jan 24th 2012

     

    Hello Good after noon

      I have recently been very concerned about my sleep!

    I wake up at least 3-4 times at night and i have dark under my eyes i sleep about 7hours on weekdays and 9hours on weekends. I don't understand why? 

      Other than that i've noticed that i don't laugh as much as i use to, sometimes i even start wondering if i have a sour sense of humor. I'd really hate to think I don't have a good sense of humor because for as long as i can remember I don't laugh as much as i use to. I don't actually have a laughter, like the people have like a chuckle? i'm not sure what its called, i just have a short giggle when i find something funny, which hardly ever happens.

      I'm not sure if the reason why all of this is occurring is because about a year ago my mom found out about me and my boyfriend's intimacy, she switched me schools, she hit me really bad the cops were involved the school counselors were involved. I fell into deep depression and had suicidal thoughts, I wouldn't talk to anyone in the new school i just wanted to be alone but I felt better off at school I didn't want to go home ever. I didn't feel like talking to anyone at home, my family wasn't talking to me anyways. I felt alone I only had my boyfriend. I would contact him from students i didn't know during class just to stay in touch with him, because my mom had taken my phone away. I wasn't able to see him at all for a long while his family came and talked to my family and tried to work something out then i could only see him 3 times a week only in the playground around the corner of my house. I felt watched all the time I hated it!

    Me and my boyfriend had so many fights because i would always follow what my mother would say because i was scared she'd hit me. A few months went by then she started trusting me again and let me go on dates with my boyfriend out to eat and arcades. Of course checking up on me all the time constantly calling me asking me for pictures of where i'm at, it was very frustrating and annoying. Now she lets me out a bit more than before i'm still in a different school than my boyfriend & i want to switch back for my senior year to the school i was in before my mom switched me schools. I'm 17 years old right now. I don't want to graduate from the school i'm in right now!  I'm planning on telling my mother soon that i want to switch back but i dont know how.

     I'm sorry for this really long story!

    But im freaking out.! 

    Hope you understand me

     

    Would appreciate feedback - Thanks for reading this - Terri - Oct 19th 2011

    I read your stories and it provides me reassurance, even if you suffer from a severe depression, that you are still open to putting your feelings "out there".  In this case, I would like your opinion.  If you have this disease or one very similar, I would really appreciate some feedback. I love her so much but I hate this disease!

    I have a twin sister that suffers from Unipolar.  I also have a Mom who suffers from manic bipolar.  My Mom started using Crystal Meth about 7 years ago.  This made my Mom's disease worse so I had to walk away and end our relationship soon after she started using.  My twin and I do not do any drugs. 

    My twin lives 12 hours away from me and I feel helpless.  She doesn't speak to any of the immediate family.  I listen to her venting even about the most trival stuff but what she thinks is trival is something big to her.  She struggles with everything because of this disease.  The disease is controlling her life instead of her controlling the disease.  For three years she has tried to work on getting help with doctors and it has taken such a toll on her.  She has spent so much money on Doctors and now that she has a diagnosis, she is spending so much money on perscription drugs.  But she needs the medications to be stable.  She doesn't miss doses and has no issues taking the medications.  The issue is being able to afford them.  She has insurance but even with insurance, her cymbalta alone is $157 per month.  This cost with the other meds make it well over $225 per month.  So it seems like every time she gets a break (ie - gets a diagnosis, then gets the right "cocktail" of meds), she gets discouraged by the roadblocks.  She has applied for disability however that process for her is again amplified and seems a struggle to her.  The agency asks for so much and doesn't offer a liason if someone is stuggling on their own.  Although she has a group of people in her corner, I am sure that it would be easier for her to have someone in the agency to help her.  She quit taking her meds because she couldn't afford them but I didn't find out until weeks later when I asked why she was so sick.  I immediately called the pharmacy to pay for them over the phone.  The pharmacy didn't let me but they encouraged me to send money via western union.  I wanted to do this however I wasn't certain that this is what the money would be used for since I am sure that there are other areas that she is struggling financially with.  I bought two gift cards to wal-mart and can only hope that she will use them for food and meds.  I had them emailed to her. 

    The reason why I post this long message is that I am trying to help without being an enabler.  She withdraws if you give her ultimatums and gravitates to making choices on her own - however she severly procrastinates making any choices.  Some of the time, the opportunity is gone and then she complains about the timeframe she had to make one (blaming the people offering the opportunity).  Right now, I am starting the process of helping her move to be with family.  She has finally agreed to do this when she has the choice instead of her being forced to live under a bridge when the bank takes possession of her house. She is thinking of being with family by January 2012.  We have offered many times in the past but she has never been willing to leave a long time and on/off again boyfriend.  I feel that he is hurting her progress but doesn't intentionally mean to.  He calls every time she is hospitalized and keeps saying "she needs to be living with her family (implying myself or a relative that is over 12 hours away)". Then when she gets a handle on things, he encourages her to stay.  She doesn't live with him (he is involved with someone else) however the last time that he and I spoke, I told him that he needed to be very clear with her that he wanted her to move and then he needed to play an active role in helping her.  He said that it is too much work for him and he is tired of continuously helping her and her taking things out on him.  She only asks him to help but no one else, she only accepts help from him.  When anyone else tries, she pushes them away and says that it is too much for her. She doesn't (nor wants to) plan for anything and her even discussing the logistics of moving only exhausts her.  This disease doesn't allow her to have any hope at all so it is a constant state of hopelessness.  Unfortunately for me, I see hope and can help to give her hope but she can't see it so it is easier for her to "shut the curtains" but harder for me to see her do this. I am afraid that if she doesn't plan any of the logistics to move, it only gives room for another episode that ultimately takes her life (she has tried a few times before and was saved by her friend that wasn't supposed to find her).  Should I let go and wait for her to come to me with a plan or should I take some kind of actions (ie research being the POA for her so that I can sell her home for her, sign her up for disability, help with her finances)?  I know that I need to protect myself too so that I don't take it too personally if things change.  If you have this disease or one very similar, I would really appreciate some feedback.  I love her so much but I hate this disease!

    there is a way out - shani - Sep 29th 2011

    Ive read lots of comments you all seem so young.. I have suffered from depression and PTSD from 16 and Im now 54, yes ive had a couple of breakdowns along the way and mental hospital stays BUT as i battle through each soul destroying deep dark bout of depression, i know that i will come out the other end and when i do i grab every moment and love it! i know i will go down again and again and again BUT the best bit about being at my lowest point, when i cant even function, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY IS UP!...why do i bother???? because ive managed to find fabulous friends that understand, had three children that love me,no matter where i am mood wise and managed to educate myself along the way. dont give up because depression is just part of the picture.the trick is to wait for it too lift, say thank you that its gone and grab life before it comes back. like day follows night...dont rage about the darkness, smile at the daylight.

    History's long, abusive toll. - - Sep 22nd 2011

    United circumstances have been working against me for years now. Up until about two years ago though, things went REALLY bad for me. I couldn't find work for the longest time while money became tighter and tighter. I couldn't find an answer anywhere. After several months of on and off depression, I tried giving myself something to concentrate on with a sense of determination and some kind of critical goal to work towards by joining the Army.

    Unfortunately, that didn't go well at all... I lasted in basic training for only two months as I watched the fellow trainees graduate. Meanwhile, the "training" I went through was grinding my rapidly deteriorating health down severely. My own morale was heavily weakened and in due time, I felt my depression had made a very triumphant return at the worst time possible.

    I was in a crucible of sorts dealing with the other trainees who would constantly give me a hard time, almost bully me schoolyard style until I finally snapped one evening while on a 7-day long training event known as Victory Forge. I was driven to such a brink from my long endured pain and depression that I wanted to kill the source of my mental anguish in some way or another. Someone overheard I wanted to try and assassinate four of the most beligerent members of my unit who were persistently picking on me or mortifying me in one way or another. I was nearly placed in military prison, but due to no actual danger posed, I was terminated from my unit. Chapter 11, failure to adapt. Yeah, real nice way of putting it...

    My health wasn't getting any better though as the final weeks there, I nearly died from some sort of flu that broke out within the building where I was stationed. Couldn't eat, sleep, or drink for two and a half days. I was so beaten though, that I hoped this illness would show mercy on me and let me pass on. I was so concluded I had nothing left, I would let myself go that way. The discompassionate healthcare on that base nearly did me in too.

    I finally made it home, but that experience has left a gaping scar in my memory ever since. Meanwhile, dealing with more unpleasant circumstances of my father gradually losing his mind in his obsessive struggle to maintain a romantic relationship with my mother while I'm caught in between and used as an information medium. I've been jobless since and without any form of insurance or medical care, I can't receive any treatment of any kind for neither my joint pain or my own need of psychological evaluation.

    And throughout these past two, going on three years now, I've been left somewhat, if not severely isolated in my home. Thoughts of loneliness permeate in my mind while I'm trying to sleep. It's hard to even recognize the difference between today and yesterday. It's like time is a blur and I'm dithered between the days.

    I just wish I could be free of all this. Free of my fears of being forgotten by every friend I've ever had. Free of feeling like the world has no use of me for my crippled joints. Nothing has given me salvation... I would fearlessly give anything to be free from these pains of the mind, body, and soul...

    faith - - Aug 29th 2011

    I do not suffer from depression but my family do.  My brother has a LD and Schizophrenia and my father had severe paranoid depression last year.  He died last January with a cold etc.  He tried to hang himself last year.  My brother is doing ok now and asks for nothing from anyone.

    I am a born again Christian and my faith has truly helped me to cope with my family and their problems.  I have seen real results and the Power of Prayer.

    xx

    stupified - anthony - Aug 25th 2011

    i used to be a really smart guy, atleast i thought so. then my words ran out. i procrastinate and the thought of ms word drives fear into me. i miss my friend v. i love her very much. i used to be the happiest, resilient. now im stuck. i have lost hope, but something shines through that i can't carry out--  that i know somewhere i am inspired to live drives me deeper into depression. i have shit habits. drinking makes me suicidal these days. amp doesnt work. smoking and pissing, this is my days for now. i sweat and cry. i stare at pages of notes, not knowing where the excitement that went into creating them has disappeared to. i used to have light. my heart hurts now. my chest is sore. i slump over all the time. what the f--k?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! damn i turned out to be a twisted shit. im 24.

    Major Depression - BradLKForever - Jun 11th 2011

    I'm sad. Angry. Frustrated and Sad again. Everytime I read Articles like these, it just makes me sob so hard because I Have MDD. I don't know what to do. I know I need help but for now I think I just can't. My life is worthless and a disaster. I can't think of other ways to stop these. I cut myself but only small ones. I cry myself to sleep. I daydream of being a singer but It's like just putting me to misery. I fail myself. HELP ME! 

    Re:Help... - M.Face - May 29th 2011

    You need to seek help from a professional. But you and your friends can share your feelings. And, the world is unfair, yes, but life is not that dull. If you can think positively, it is really not dull at all. If you have any negative thoughts, tell yourself not to think of those and think positively. I hope that will help.

    Re:nothing helps my depression - M.Face - May 29th 2011

    Think positive. Try your best to be happy even if you are feeling down. That might help.

    Re:am i in some way depressed - M.Face - May 29th 2011

    You must seek help!!!!!! Tell your mum about it. Or else it will get worse.

    For Every Teenager Out There..... - Malia - Apr 29th 2011

    I've read a lot of these comments.........and I truly hate to say it, but I can relate to practically all of them.  I guess we all do. I am thirteen years old myself, and I have mild depression. Unfortunately I also suffer from PTSD.  Growing up watching my family being beat by my father certainly took its toll, and though I haven't been around PHYSICAL abuse since I was 8, I still go through Verbal and Emotional abuse. Who knew that part custody would suck so much xD.  I have come to a point in my life where I just don't care anymore. I could never kill myself. I honestly couldn't. One of my triggers for PTSD is pain. So if I wanted to shoot myself I would probably accidently shoot my wall because my mind decided to break down and move the gun.  I have never wanted to die. I've wanted to just....dissapear. Which of course isn't happening thanks to my lifestyle and minority/of/age.  I'm writing this comment not for my own pity fest, but I just wanted to say something. 1) Don't die. Please. None of you know me, but I DO know what some of you are going through and I just have to say..don't die. You may not think so, but if you did you would be putting your own disorder onto other people. Your mothers, fathers, siblings, hell, it could be your teacher.  Just DONT DIE

    2) Drugs (illegal ones) don't help.  Trust me. I may be thirteen but I've been arrested for them and I learned. They didn't give me realease, didn't help me dissapear. They ruined a bit of my life. I'm not a problem child either, I learned from it and I guess you could say I'm a do-gooder now haha. But drugs...they make you feel much better...the first 20 minutes. And then you flop and you're stuck wondering, "What the **** happened? Why do I feel like....this...."

    3) Cutting. My best friend cuts herself. but she does it for attention.....-.- but ANYWAY get help if you cut yourself. If you are a minor, and living with your parents, realize this. You may not care about what you do to your body, but you're parents, friends, do. Those of you who won't tell anyone because they don't want to hurt them....YOURE HURTING THEM BY NOT SPEAKING.  You are hurting YOURSELF. It is not a "release". You can't even call it a way of coping. GET HELP. You are not crazy. You just need to realize what you are doing. Look outside the box. Please

    4) I know this is a very long message and for those of you who read it all I congratulate you. I truly do lol. But just a word to the wise. Do not let ANYONE tell you that you are ugly, fat, or worthless. You are what you make yourself to be.  No one elses opinion matters. AT ALL. Be yourself, not because of what everybody says but because for people like us that suffer from depression, in a way you could say its mandatory.  If someone insults you, realize this. Thats their OPINION. Is it yours? NO. Don't make words become your reality. I know it sounds hard and in the beginning it is. But honestly? positivity attracts positivity. If youre worried your friends might leave you, explain how you feel. Not ALL of what you feel if youre uncomfortable, but that you're a "little" depressed and that its not your fault that you're acting "off". If they are true friends they will understand, feel guilty that they shunned you, and try to support you in any way they can.

    5) LAST NOTE!!!! I personally am not religious, but for those of you that are, God (or whatever your religion) isn't going to cure depression by themselves. Counselors (mandatory) and medication (MAYBE) walk hand in hand with Him when it comes to depression. Trust me...when you feel alone, its surprising how different you might feel when ONE person knows what you are going through.

    **I feel for you guys, I really do. I wish I could help you myself, but I can't....Just keep pushing. You're worth more then you think.

    Some things help. - - Mar 23rd 2011

    I have to say that there is hope out there for depression. First has to be your trust in God. That is a must. It is Christ for me.  And you HAVE to see a physician. That is a must too. 

    You have to learn how to be a forgiving person to get better.

    Also, things like walking outdoors everyday, exercising at the gym, music such as clean classical music, prayers, Holy Book reading (whatever your religion), proper food prescribed by a nutritionist or doctor, and helping/praying for someone less fortunate than you help tremendously. You should also have people you can talk to everyday. A family is a must.

    I have suffered tremendous depression and am doing better thank God. But to get back on track, you have to do all these things. There is hope out there. And remember, you HAVE to meet with a doctor.

    i feel really happy - sham - Mar 9th 2011

    yes most of them what they have mentioned above is really true. i felt like may be changing my veiw on others would change the surroundings and the task that i perform.i hope who ever is suffering from depression can over come they and enjoy the things that life offer

    LIFELONG DEPRESSION - KOREAVET - Jan 19th 2011

    I HAVE SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION SINCE ABOUT 5 YEARS OLD.   MY PARENTS NEVER TOOK ME FOR HELP. I CONTINUED TO HAVE DEPRESSION THRU OUT MY SCHOOL YEARS. I WAS IN THE ARMY DURING THE KOREAN WAR AND SPENT A YEAR IN KOREA.   THE DEPRESSION WAS MY COMPANION.    IT FOLLOWED ME DURING MY WORKING YEARS EVEN THOUGH I WAS ABLE TO FUNTION.  I WAS AN ENGINEERING MANAGHER FOR A HIGH TECH COMPANY.   I WENT TO A NUMBER OF DOCTORS BUT NOTHING SEEMED TO HELP.  I KEPT A DIARY ON HOW I FELT.  I TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM MY CHILDREN BUT WAS TRULY SUFFERING.  IN 1995 I WROTE A BOOK WITH THE TITLED.   

     "DEPRESSION FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE"

      A MEMOIR OF A LIFETIME OF DEPRESSION

    I HAD THE BOOK COPYRIGHTED IN 1996 AND FIGURED THAT  I WOUILD COMPLETE IT ONE DAY.

    MY WIFE OF 48 YEARS PASSED AWAY 15 MONTHS AGO AND THIS HAD MADE MY  DEPRESSION MUCH WORSE EVEN THOUGH I WENT TO GRIEF MEETINGS FOR 15 WEEKS AND THEN I WENT TO PRIVATE SESSIONS FOR 10 WEEKS.   THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS DO NOT WORK FOR ME.  I FEEL THAT I WILL NEVER BE DEPRESSION FREE DURING MY LIFETIME. I AM 82. THANKS FOR READING.  IRWIN D

     

    Anna, - Lee - Jan 17th 2011

    After reading your comment, it reminds me so much of myself when I was your age.

    I don't know about you, but the cuts, seem to be a little way of getting a release.. In some way releasing a little bit of tension and in a inquisitive way trying it to see what happens.

    I hate to say this, but I am now 26 an wish I at your age had spoken to someone. I am not a doctor so cannot for obvious reasons diagnose anyone, but I would pop along to your GP and just tell them what has been going on.

    am i in some way depressed - anna - Jan 12th 2011

    i cut myself i have no idea why, i have been doing this for 2 years now, i am 13.  i am always happy, but i sit in my room all day blasting music in the dark. i am very self conscious. maybe i have manic but i've never been tested and i'm to scared to be tested, i told mum (about manic, i could never tell her i was cutting, i care about her to much)    she said "don't be silly, your not crazy like other people".... sometimes i am sensitive, but i hold it all in till about once every month i break down and start crying..... do i have some sort of depresion?

    in a deep hole - raph - Dec 29th 2010

    it's like i'm in this deep hole and no one there to help me.i feel so lost and alone,am actually in pain every single day inside and out.strongly thinking about cutting and to me the only thing that can stop this pain is to end my life.in the country i live depression is not a priority,this is hell,no where to turn or anyone to turn to.

     

     

    nothing helps my depression - rosey - Dec 27th 2010

    I am 52 and have had depression on and off since i was 12 and then 13 years ago had a severe breakdown, since then nothing really has seemed to help.

    So many meds tried and nothing seems to touch the surface much, nor help me to function.

    Right now i am going through another stage i cant keep awake and am sleeping so much. They say exercise helps, but how do i do that, when i cant even keep awake long enough to get dressed?

    When i can keep awake i cant do much, there is much anxiety and fear.

    I see 2 professionals regularly. Life is a blur. I dont know how much longer i can keep this up.

    and more... - - Dec 4th 2010

    I've just had 9 months of psychiatric assessments- I have 2 psychiatrists and a doctor. I have been diagnosed with severe borderline personality disorder. I am 30. Its has taken me 17 years of visits to the GP and more increasingly bizarre and extreme behaviour (I broke my own foot, burned myself with a metal objext heated on a cooker, self harmed, abused alcohol etc. cut my own hair off several times, .... gave myself 70-110 bruises )before my doctor would take me seriously (they would just tell me to "go away and forget about it" even when I went in bruised and bleeding... )- there are some poor docotrs out there who will not listen. But when you find a good one, you still feel like you have to prove you are depressed as noone believes you. It is a nightmare. Apparently 10-15% of people with BPD kill themselves as it is the worst type of mental illness to have to live with, I have antipsychotics (make me fat) and antidepressants (used to work.. are working less). Each day is a battle. I have repeated nightmares all night, I live a nightmare all day. It will not end,  I have a stressful job where I feel everyone hates me, I feel like i'm going to be shot or stabbed every time I am outdoors, some days I cannot physically get out of bed or move (it feels like the worst flu in the world which will not go away).

    I have heard people say they have depression when they just feel a bit down. I have had people tell me "exercise and diet is good for depression"- it only works for non severe deprssion. When you get into the territory I am in, where you get the same physical feeling when faced with getting out of bed as you do when you go to cross a road and see a car coming- you physically not move) then you have depression.  I just want people on here to know depression has levels- and people who tell everyone they are "severely depressed" might just be a bit blue-- its like panic attacks are not fat teenage girls crying and waving their arms about., they are silent, terrifying vomiting events. . When you feel so awful you break one of your own limbs (intentionally) as the pain is less than your mental pain and you cannot physically move or dress or wash for a week then this is the real deal.  

    For the 13 tear old - Heather - Dec 1st 2010

    It's strange while I was reading your comment all I could think about is my past, and it honestly scares me to know that not only you but thousands of other people go through these things so young without anyone to talk to. I promise you that if you talk with your friend that you had a falling out with, you will feel better, I know its a scary thing but, I had the same thing happen to me, and still to this day, its been 6 years, I think about her and always wonder what if, and trust me its not worth it. Just go talk with her! And I want you to sincerely seek someone to talk to, maybe your favorite teacher at school, your councilor, maybe someone at church if you attend, even your principle. One day just go to there office and tell them you really need to talk to someone about life, and its ride. They WILL listen ad they WILL offer advice and you will always be able to go to them. It's a weird thing to feel loinliness, and its even stranger to know that you need to seek the friendship of someone. Please remember you are not alone in this world. Remember even a stranger can provide love that youve never known. And you can also speak to your parents, and trust me I know how difficult that is as times, but believe it or not, parents normally know what to do, and they know you. 

    With love,

    Heather

    Help... - - Nov 23rd 2010

    I'm twelve and my two friends and me are depressed because mostly the world seems so unfair and life sucks. We try to help each other but it's not extremely successful... anyone have ideas on what we should do?

    for the 13 year old - - Sep 18th 2010

    i completely understand everything you are going through. at your age (or even younger) i felt the same exact way. the crying non-stop, the thoughts about cutting or suicide, sadness and need or want to be alone. it all makes sense. but to other people it won't. they just don't get it. and they never will.

    im 19 now and i feel like i should have this all figured out and i don't. i started medication about a month ago and while i can say it helps, it doesn't just make all your problems go away. today wasn't necessarily a good day and so much is going on that i can't handle my emotions. i cut myself tonite several times because i just can't deal with all the feelings that i have inside of me. plus seeing wounds makes me feel like the emotions i'm feeling are real, and that they arent just made up in my head.

    every time i cut myself, i feel myself falling far far away from everyone. i just wonder when all of these thoughts and feelings will go away. or it wont be normal for me to think about these thoughts every single day. because honestly, the first thought that is on my mind when i go to bed and wake up is cutting. 

    but for the 13 year old, i really do hope you try to seek some help. i wish i had at your age. from the time i was 12 years old, i always told myself i would never cut myself. and at the age of 18, i finally began cutting myself.   it's not worth it to feel the way you do, especially at your age. so i'm begging you with all of my heart to please please find help. it really will make a difference. right now i take medication and i am in therapy. only time will tell if my wish will ever come true. but i do know that whatever happens, at least i tried to get help.

    best of wishes.

    For the 13 year old. - Kathryn Dudley - Sep 9th 2010

    My heart goes out to you. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. Do one thing get a tablet and write when you feel down, even when you have had a good day cause it helps. And on days when you feel you have no one to talk to email me. And when i get to a computer I will e-mail you back. I want you to know that you are special and sometimes the people you think are your friends really aren't. Do some deep breathing exercises, light a candle and put on some classical music. Destress your day. Smile and know that someone, somewhere is praying for you to make it through this struggle.

    RE: ... - - Jun 3rd 2010 - Sean - Aug 29th 2010

    Hey, just read your comment; your mention of thinking of trying marijuana enticed me to try to dissuade you. 

    I smoked pot every day for a year and a half while fighting depression (still fighting) and while it helps for about 20 minutes, the burn out brings you down further than your baseline.  Not to mention the mounting link between cannabis and psychosis. If you're beginning to hear things that aren't there and if you're already paranoid, cannabis will only make these worse.  It's expensive, robs you of energy and motivation (regardless of how low they may already be), and smoking of course is terrible on your lungs.

    The last few times I used, I'd sink immediately into self-defeating, depressing, scary patterns of thought.  I'd go to bed high and start thinking I could move objects with my mind, or get super paranoid like I'm being watched at that moment, and when I closed my eyes I'd see faces transforming into other faces and demons; very disturbing.  I realized right away these are signs of psychosis, so I threw all my drugs and paraphenelia into the dumpster the next day.  Oh and everything you've heard about cannabis being non-addictive is bull crap, because I'm still going through a psychological withdrawal from it.

    Bottom line is if you're depressed, a depressant will only depress you further still.

    Please seek help. - - Aug 25th 2010

    This is for the 13 year old. I just lost a 13 year old niece due to suicide, she must've been extremely depressed and no one woud've ever thought she would take her own life. Please seek immediate help. You are worth something and you were put on this planet for a reason. 13 is too young to feel this way. Trust me. I would do anything to get my niece back and have just one more day with her. I have depression and the medication I am on helped tremendously. Please talk to a doctor or someone.

    Not sure if I have it - Amy - Aug 22nd 2010

    I am 13, and I'm not sure if I have depression. almost a year ago, I was talking to my best friend's sister on video chat. my best friend walked past and looked at the conversation and said 'why is it always about me, why cant she leave me alone?' (i had asked his sister if he was going to training that night) then that started making me lose confidence in myself. Sometimes I feel sad for no reason and sometimes in bed i sit and cry for ages when i think about things like that. it's like nobody likes me, even my best friends. I always feel left out when im with my friends, but they dont understand and realise. at my swim club i have quite a few close freinds, but not at school, especially now that 2 of my friends have moved school. sometimes i prefer being on my own, and i have to try and stop myself crying. i have thought about cutting myself, and a little bit about suicide but i couldnt go through with it. sometimes i just wish i was dead. Also me and my other best friend had a fall out a few months ago, and now im just too scared to speak to her. about a month ago when i was at a barbeque, we were all out on the field and i really randomly started crying, so i went to the top of the field and sat by the trees and cried. i heard some of them shouting my name but i was too scared to go down, also because my friend who i fell out with wasnt calling my name, so that made me cry even more. i try not to let them all see that im upset because im worried they will say im attention seeking or something, and i cant tell anyone. (sorry about the huge comment, guess its because i have never told anyone so i wanna say loads of it :S)

    I don't know what type depression I have had - Pova - Aug 5th 2010

    I have suffered depression as long as I have lived in this life. No one knows that. It was such a strict family education I have had that made me stressful everyday. I have thought of suicide, sometimes it looks like the world broken down under my feet without reasons. I have taken some medicines but they are not enough. There are no hotlines as well as a good psychologist in my place. I have no one that can understand as well.  I just have stood it by my own. Now I really need help. I don't know why I was born for but I can't live by this way any more. 

    mediatation/Christine - - Jul 27th 2010

    Christine,  You should try meditation. I too have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and depression for many years.  I have done a massive amount of research on the subjust and it seems that most people who have recovered from these afflictions have used meditation, it seems to be the answer.  I certaily can't hurt that is for sure.  You should also join some mother's groups and concentrate on you baby, it is harder to be depressed when you are putting you energy into a little human being, but you must always allow time for yourself every day for meditation and relaxation or just doing something you enjoy.  I wish you all the best and I hope things improve for you.

    A couple of thoughts... - Tamra - Jul 27th 2010

    I have suffered from depression. But instead of mindless wondering why WHY WHY, I've always known what caused it.

    Folks, this world is a harsh place. But, bad as WE have it at times, let's face it. Compare to people in the 3rd world, we have it very good. We're not starving, we're not living in a war zone, and most of us (at least) have a stable life or at least the opportunity to make one for ourselves. No it isn't easy. But as the song goes "I never promised you a rose garden." To a large extent, you get out of it what you put into it.

    The causes of depression are many. Firstly, society as it exists today is centered on making money at all costs. If your well-being, your personal life, your family life, your peace of mind is sacrificed  on the treadmill of work, you don't have much left over. That IS going to depress you. The deprivation of having little or no time to invest in doing something meaningful for yourself or others will deplete you of happiness. So, try as much as you can to find a career that suits your temperament and your inspiration -- not just your wallet, because it's something you'll be going to do just about everyday for a long time, and it's ever so much easier if the work you've chosen to do doesn't bore you to tears or grind you into the dust.

    Any abuse you've suffered, well, that will also cause depression. ANY ABUSE. Let me repeat that. ANY. ABUSE. Some of what some of you have been told is depression, is more likely the natural result of being treated like crap. Don't buy into the idea that your resultant depression is caused by a "chemical imbalance." The truth is, NO-ONE knows what normal brain chemistry is, because everyones' brain chemistry changes moment to moment. If you could PET scan me every second, all day, EVERY day, for a week, you'd get a different image for each one, because every thought and action your brain does creates a different neurological imprint. Don't think your brain can't be changed by your MIND, because if it couldn't, therapy wouldn't work, and the placebo effect wouldn't work, and you couldn't learn anything and when you learn ANYTHING, or take in ANY information, presto bingo, your brain has changed. Now you know how to make omelettes -- your brain is different than before you learned that. Really.

    The most anti-depressants can do is blunt your emotions. That's right. BLUNT THEM. So you may be less depressed, but you're going to be less happy too. And think about it, if this whole "imbalance" theory held any water, the drugs should be able to help just about everyone. But they don't. And the side effects you'll get when you go off them (because your brain shuts off some synapses after being flooded with serotonin for so long) will cause you to crash, big time. It's like that with any drug. Your body gets used to it, adapts to it.

    What has worked for me? Well, no magic pill. I've tried to pull my loved ones closer around me. I don't like my job (to put it mildly), but I'm sticking it out for now. I try to do what gives me the greatest enjoyment, like hobbies or activities that interest me. I stay away from upsetting things and scary movies and the nightly news. I think I might give therapy another try -- it was comforting having someone to talk to, an ally -- someone in my corner. I don't expect it to be easy. I still have bad days sometimes. I have a ways to go. I hope all of you find your way too.

    day to day - - Jul 19th 2010

    i didnt really know i was dealing with depression. since the 8th grade, maybe even earlier, i always had this sadness and sorrow in me. i can pinpoint when it started. i had a friend who had just moved from new hampshire. she was my closest friend. but she kept hurting me. she would say i was worthless and treat me so badly.as we moved into high school, she completely ditched me and started hanging out with a different crowd. she finally confronted me and told me we shouldn't be talking because i was below her. i started to believe the things she would say to me. this is when my self esteem began to fall and only continued to fall deeper.

    i didnt know what i was going through would turn into depression. i didnt know it was depression b/c it was something i only experienced alone in my room. late at night i would sit in the dark and cry and cry and cry. i thought i was crazy. the thoughts i was and am still having only made me hate myself. i quickly developed low self-esteem and i hated the person i saw in the mirror. i was able to hide my depression from my friends and family, but it was something i kept inside in my mind. but late at night i would stay up and cry. These thoughts soon became destructive. i wanted to cut myself but i never had the power to do it. all of these feelings have stuck with me since then. 

    i am now a sophomore in college and i'm still dealing with depression. but since 8th grade, it has only gotten worse. it's at it worst. i wake up every morning wondering if the feelings have passed but they never do. i am always reminded of how i felt the night before. i tried to keep my depression a secret from my roommates but it became harder and harder to keep. i eventually had to tell them and felt extremely embarrassed about it. although the secret is now in the open, it's still getting worse. it's hard to explain to people that you wake up sad and go to bed sad. i cry every single day. the day isnt complete unless i cry. the pain is so hard to deal with because it's all in my head. there's not physical pain. it's hard to explain to my friends how i feel b/c it doesn't make sense to them. but it does to me. i cry all the time b/c i know i am ruining their summer. its supposed to be a time of sun, happiness etc.  it's getting so bad that i've started lying to them about what i'm doing to myself. i have never done anything like this before. but i'm ruining it for them. i hate that. i hate myself for hurting them.

    recently the pain has become so unbearable that i have begun to cut myself. i know it was a bad decision but i just keep falling deeper. it has eased my anxiety and stress a little, but since i started doing it, i'm finding it hard to stop. i wake up thinking about cutting myself and i go to bed thinking about it. i can't escape it. it literally runs my life. i no longer run my own life.

    as that cymbalta commercial says, depression hurts. not only does it hurt me it hurts the people around me. i want to get help because i want to go back to the old me.  i have decided to get help from a therapist because living like this is just no longer an option for me. it's way to hard. 

    i just hope it works.

    SSRIs and depression - Benjamin - Jun 13th 2010

    Just a word about SSRIs,for those of you who are depressed.They can help in the short term,but in the long term they can become less and less effective and may harm neurotransmitter receptors in the brain and elsewhere.Moreover,most SSRIs contain flouride compounds,which are toxic to glands and organs,specifically the thyroid,and may result in hypothyroidism(suppression of thyroid function)and other toxic effects.Rather than using an SSRI to "trick" your brain or to block reuptake,consider providing the raw materials your body needs to make neurotransmitters;namely amino acids.I encourage depression sufferers to investigate the amino connection.It makes sense.After taking both paxil and prozac and experiencing lingering discontinuation effects(including thyroid disturbance)I had to find an alternative.

    Dr. Dombeck's Note: I'm not at all sure that this commenter's claims about long term damage and flouride compounds are accurate, and neither am I aware of any amino (acid) treatment for depression other than those mentioned in our Alternative Mental Health topic center.  However, a number of people have complained about difficulty comming off such substances. 

    ... - - Jun 3rd 2010

         I have severe problems with depression, anger, paranoia, insomnia, etc. Recently, I have tried to start a relationship. But this is what will happen: I'll start out okay, but then she'll mention her ex, and then I get paranoid, and start asking a lot of questions. Then I get mad and say things that I don't mean. I;ll make her cry, and afterward, I'll feel like such shit. Last time, I almost killed myself (just one of many attempts). Afterward, I'll just go on hating myself.

         I don't really sleep all that much. I just feel like dying all the time. I go to a psychologist, but it isn't helping. Thing is, I won't tell anyone. And as much as I want help, I can't tell anyone. I get sick to my stomach, but won't throw up. And I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I've had diarrhea lately. On top of that, I just started hearing things. I'm going insane. It's such irony because, a few years ago, I would've made fun of someone who had my condition. Maybe it's god's way of punishing me. Maybe it's karma. Oh yeah, I'm losing my religion too, which while it isn't all that important, there's nobody here to stop me from typing it so I'm going to mention it.

         I try to explain it to my friends like this: I say, "Have you ever had a day where nothing goes right?" They'll say yes.  Then I ask, "Do you know the feeling you get after you've been dumped?" Again they say yes. I ask, "Have you ever been sick to your stomach?" Yes. I ask, "Do you know the feeling after a night with no sleep?" Yes. "Have you ever experienced all of these feelings at the same time?" This is when they say no. "Well try to imagine it." They respond with something along the lines of, "Oh that sucks really bad. I hope that never happens to me." Well, wait. It's not over yet. Imagine feeling like that every day from the time you wake up (if you get any sleep at all) until the time you go to sleep (maybe). That's how I feel.

         Surprisingly, I don't do drugs. I don't smoke even with the genetic predisposition to do so. I don't drink (Maybe I'll have a drink once every few months). I don't do any narcotics. I have been thinking about trying marijuana though. I need something that will help me get over this. I can't deal with it anymore. And like I said, the psychologist thing isn't really working. 

    there is hope - Benjamin - May 27th 2010

    I have also been suffering from depression and anxiety issues for many years.But there IS help out there.There are numerous resources to be found on the internet.The key to getting out of depression,regardless of whether we have a diagnosis or not,is getting ourselves out around people.Not only people who are suffering like we are,but also other people.Helping others is also helpful(think volunteering)Think about it.When we are depressed,what are we thinking about? Ourselves.And what happens when we continue to dwell on ourselves and our own misery? We become even more depressed.With so many resources and solutions available,there is simply no reason to suffer.12 step programs can also help.Like "emotions anonymous" or "celebrate recovery".Check your local churches or online for meeting times and places.Journaling,self-hypnosis,online counseling,and exercise can all help.Come on folks,we are worth it.Lets take personal responsibility for ourselves and our prison of loneliness and unhappiness and do what we can to dig ourselves out of it.Dont forget to smile and speak to strangers.It sounds dumb,but it helps.

    why cant i feel? - - May 16th 2010

    i was physically and mentally tortued and sexually abused by my birth mother as a young child, now that i am older i have found myself completely without emotion. all of my relationships have failed, and i dont know what i can do to fix myself. my grandfather recently died and my other grandfather is in his last days here. i cant bring myself to cry for them although i know that i should be grieving right now.

    In a world...I'm alone - Julia - May 13th 2010

    i have been in depression all my life...not cause from my family...just people. it all started when i was 4...i grew up in a neighborhood that its all rotten with ignorant people...i lived through that neighborhood until i was 13. but i had trouble. people messed with me, torture me(beating me up), starting fights...they all did that to me every single day when i was growing up. i can never forget those terrible memories... i didnt have no friends...after when i became 13, me and my family moved out, but i still lived in a world of darkness with cold blood in me...my emotions are only sadness, hollow, sorrow....last year my father died of cancer, i didnt have a good relationship with my father, after he died my heart is nothing but filled with agony...even from my painful childhood memories....Darkness is my home, and i'll stay with it...pain is in my body and my heart and it stays with me forever...

    repeated rejection & loss - Stacey - Apr 20th 2010

    I have been depressed on & off from the age 13.. I have struggled through the years using alcohol as an escape.. There have been periods of happiness in my life & years that I didn't drink at all, but I somehow managed to destroy or push away any happiness that came my way. Then Jan. 09 I lost my grandmother, she was the only person in this world that was always there for me no matter what, I was her favorite person in the world & she was mine..I lived with her & my grandfather most of my life. None of my friends or even my girlfriend at the time came to her funeral to support me. I feel like no one really cares about me & I am completely on my own.. If any emergency would happen, I really would have no one to ask for help. Then in August my girlfriend at the time was intoxicated & purposely drove her car off the road & totaled it.. she was ok but when she called for my support for some reason I was so angry, I was so mean.. I told her I couldn't be there for her.. like that she was gone, blocked me & I never got to talk to her or see how she was.. It was devastating for me to go through the loss of both of them.. Now I feel so out of place everywhere I go, I want to quit school bcuz I cant focus, I have no motivation & all I feel like doing is sleeping or drinking.. which makes me feel 10x worse.. Im just so tired of being alone all the time & constantly feeling like Im not good enough for anyone to love. I've talked to a couple of my friends but I can tell that they really don't want to hear about my problems. I live alone & have for along time, but for some reason the walls feel like their closing in.. every person that I have loved has left me, so I am obviously my own problem. I'm 29, I want someone to love me, I want a family & I doubt if I'll ever have either.. I wanted to be a dental hygienist & have a nice house & a family.. but none of that seems possible anymore & I don't even want it if its only for me. How can no one in my life be concerned about me? I don't understand :(  now I understand how my girlfriend felt.. maybe this is what I get.

    Still suffering - Anna - Apr 13th 2010

    Just wanted to say that I have from a very young age been suffering with social anxiety (probably Avoidant Personality Disorder), Generalised Anxiety Disorder, dysthymia and intermittent bouts of Major Depressive Disorder.  I probably have BPD as well.  These things persist despite all the treatment and effort in the world.  It does not take much for me to become stressed, anxious, then depressed.  I haven't been able to pursue my dreams past a certain point because of that.  I can't cope with much.  The place I'm at now is trying to accept my many limitations and just live with it, and not put myself in for anything too stressful.  It may be a personal tragedy but in the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter all that much.

    Depression is my Darkness - Cassandra Parker - Apr 5th 2010

    I have been in depression for so long I almost forget how old I am. Some days I feel a smile but inside it really is not happy just totally gloomy and down and out. It is difficult to climb out just like that when someone suggests to you to try to be happy because your emotions and feellings are scattered over the chart. I have been off and on since I was much young and now I am in my mid fifties and it just gets worse. I look to the sun and clouds but only see dark and sadness through my tears. Prescriptions can do some things but they do not get to the heart which is what is broken in depression and cannot beat its way out. I wish there was an ultimate way we could save and help one another that we need not ever have to feel this way with our friends and families altogether. God must have some way to help us all!

    Alone in the endless abyss of darkness - denise - Mar 11th 2010

    I live in the darkness. No one ,but me, alone. The intence darkness , the blackness that threatens to suffucate me in a gelatinous tear drop that I hang in. The drop that will someday release and I will fall to my death.  

    Clinical Psychology - wilsonlee - Mar 3rd 2010

    Its really an informative and motivating post and right method which can help in a very effective  way to overcome depression problem.Thanks for the recommendation.

    depression - Endlessnight - Feb 19th 2010

    Hi.  I have suffered from depression for most of my life and didn't even know it.  For most of my life I was a walking zombie.  If I were asked what I did with those years I wouldn't be able to say.  I ate, I talked, I went out...but thinking back on those years now I know It wasn't really me.  Or that's how it feels anyway. As I got closer to turning 50 all kinds of health problems hit me at once and I felt like I couldn't cope anymore.  I was so overwhelmed with the way I was feeling.  All I wanted to do was curl up in some dark corner and stay there.  I'm not really sure what it was that made me think of going to see a doctor, a psychiatrist.  I think it was a combination of all the different health issues I was having.  I went to a gyn because I was menopausal and having a real hard time with that.  Anyway, I did go to see a psychiatrist.  (There are no therapists here where I live.)  He put me on medication at once and I have been feeling better.  Not completely of course, but the medication has helped me.  I've been taking it for six months now, and I still have my moments when I just want to give up, those feelings haven't completely gone but there is a difference which is why i'm writing this.  To all of you that feel like life is over, that nothing is worth the effort...I just want to say, get help if you can.  I am having problems with my meds, weight gain being one of them and this insatiable appetite for sweets, and my lack of self will in giving in to that craving is making me so angry at myself, so I still haven't found the perfect med for me, if such a thing even exists, but I feel that I am, even if only in a small way, getting connected with life again.  Just thinking of all the years that i wasted, how I have wasted my life makes me hate myself a lot of the time.  But, again, I am hoping one day I can actually, if not like or forgive myself, then at least not hate myself so much.  So get help if you can, and I want to say I know how hard it is, just please try.  Life can be so wonderful if only we could learn to enjoy it.

    Endless Cycle - Karen - Feb 15th 2010

    I can relate to every post that I read today unfortunately. There does not seem to be any easy answers.I always believed that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger....I am 45 years old and have been suffering from depression for the past 20 years. I too have tried various treatments over the years. Some worked and some haven't . It has been a long,slow battle. Not every treatment is the right one for everyone. You just have to keep trying all of them and hopefully something will eventually bring you some much needed releif! I am a cerified psychiatric nurse and have had the oppertunity to work some excellent psychiatrists and therapists over the years.It is extremely frustrating to me to have to suffer like this all of theses years but some how by the grace of God i have hung in there. I think because it would be too devastating to my parents and children .I just wanted everyone to know that I do feel their pain and am empathetic! I will pray for all of us ! To those who have never suffered from this...you have no idea how debilitating this disease is to those that have and those that it affects. God Bless you all! I definitely will be checking this site frequently. Take care all !!!

    hope - - Feb 3rd 2010

    I was raised by a alcholic drug addict father and a mother whom in the 1950 s had over 200 schock therapies and a frontal bore hole labotomy as a diagnosed pszophrenic. I was basically taught to be a murderous sociopath by her especially. And I was on that road believe me with a hatred for society that still makes me distrust to this day. I had atleast 1 year of major depression episodes with no sleep at all betwwen 4 periods off and on. Doctors would not give me antidepressants as they could not figure out how I could not blow my head off so how could I have it. Counsellors were useless at 70.00 a hour. Through my own resources and strenghth I made it with gods help. If I gave up hope I would not be the success I am now. No one believed I could do it but you can do it also. Look on the internet bug your doctor help is their. Crying the blues will not get you nothing. You are your biggest asset in healing yourself.Trust your instincts and keep looking.

    ocd hurts others - - Dec 29th 2009

    I am venting because I am hurting so badly inside and can't do anything to make it go away. My daughter in law was diagnosed with ocd. Does this have anything to do with her refusal to let me see my grandchildren? I have 3 others, love kids more than anyone in my world, and i am 2 miles away.

    I can't say a lot because i am sure that she would use that to pull them further away. My son i think is standing by her because she is his wife but he tells me how unhappy he is every once in a while.

    How do I deal with the negativity and unexplainable resistance of my daughter in law to leave my grandchildren with their grandparents for even an hour?She has admitted this problem but it still doesn't change.

    What do I do?

    in response to no one to love - gracie - Dec 27th 2009

    always remember to love yourself first after God

    I have major depressive recurrent, I am 47 years old and can remember the demons of my disorder effecting me back to 5 years of age.  I can understand how you feel with little to no family members. I does give one a very huge hole in thier lives. It also can be quite scary. I too have lost my brothers, my dad, both grandparents and my two of my only uncles that I knew and loved. My mom suffers from morbid jealousy which i am the victim of which is quite horrific to handle.I would just like you to remember, close, rightous, God fearing friends are no diffirent than family. Does not have to be blood. Yes, they are hard to find. But try and make yourself more available and more friendly even if you have to fake it until you can make it. I learned to do this when I accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour and received all the peaceful glory and love that came to me as a result. I also learned to love myself.Really love myself. I know how hard it is when depression has made it hard for you to even want to brush your teeth let alone fix your self to be attractive and friendly toward others. I also am not one bit gullable and fully aware how many ugly mean hearted game players are out there. The more you love yourself and God, they are very easy to spot so not to subject yourself to them. I truly just wanted you to know that not having a family, we are still special loving people and we are not alone and there are millions out there just like us sweetie so please hang in there. If every you need to talk to someone, Im free quite often.  Gracie

    Ah... - Rei - Dec 16th 2009

    I'm currently a senior in HS. For the longest time I've been suffering from anxiety, negative thoughts, hopelessness, etc. When things at school began going downhill (Failed classes because of lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, etc...), I finally mustered up the courage to talk to a school councelor. She had me take a test, talked to me a bit, told me I might have something called "Dysthymia", and promised she would get me a councelor. She said Dysthymia was only a mild case of depression, so I shouldn't worry too much. Weeks later, and I still haven't seen any kind of councelor. I've been feeling worse and worse... the hopelessness, the anxiety, the everything... it's just been piling up. I haven't gone to school in the past 2 weeks. Why? I haven't a clue. I leave my house in the morning, and I just never make it there. Instead, I walk around for hours, mostly going to bookstores, and just wallowing. Every day it gets worse. I make more and more mistakes, I miss more and more days, and It's getting so hard to lift myself up from it. I feel like everyone in the world is ready to tell me what  a failure I am. How worthless I am. I missed a few days in the first semester and all my teachers were like, "you're so bright,  but you're ruining yourself with the attendances" and giving me these disappointed looks. One even said "I can't believe such a good looking girl like you could be like that". Hah. How the hell am I supposed to go back to that? And I have to-- I know I have to. But I can't. I try to get myself to go, but I always end up going the other way and not making it to school. When I think of people thinking of me like I'm a failure... I clam up badly. I feel like I can't breathe and it literally hurts. I already feel like that, like no matter what I do I wont amount to anything. And I understand that I'm making it worse for myself, but I can't stop the things I do. I skipped one day because I felt so unbelievably tired (I'm always so tired, no matter how much rest I get). I thought, "let me rest today, maybe things will pick up tomorrow". But they didn't. They just got worse and worse and it feels like no matter what I do, I wont be able to lift myself up from it. And I've been thinking stupid things, too. Things like how easy it would be if I would just die. I'm not suicidal-- I'm not brave enough. But just... other kinds of deaths. Like me getting hit by a car, or getting badly hurt. Anything so that I wont have to deal with everything anymore. And then I realize what I'm thinking and I feel loads worse.


    I told my best friend and sister about the depression (I took a major chance, since I'm a very private person), and I think trying to talk to them made it worse. They said, "Oh, well, I have days when I'm depressed too, but I just force myself to do what I have to do. You just have to make yourself". And  that makes sense, right? It should. But I still can't. It's like something physical is stopping me from doing that.

    God, I'm so freaking tired of feeling this way. I've lost interest in lots of the things I've used to. I used to love writing-- I still enjoy it from time to time--  but now it has become an absolute chore. Everything is a chore. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Thinking of tomorrow (because thinking any further is either impossible or an impending disaster) is a chore. I try to get into all kinds of things, to bring myself out of it, but I always lose interest. It's so hard to concentrate on anything (Reading, people speaking, everything) and I feel like there's a fog in my head, swimming around and darkening my thoughts. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I want to cry. Sometimes I DO cry. Someone would compliment me and tell me I'm pretty, and I would feel happy. For a  minute. And then I would look into a mirror, or let a little time pass, and I would feel like the ugliest person in the world. I feel detached, withdrawn. No matter how close I am with someone, there's always a barrier that I can't break through. I've become irritated and angry, prone to snapping and lashing out. My mom, my poor mom, has become an almost regular target of my agitatedness. "You're going to be late for school!" she tells me (thinking I'm going) and I just lash out and tell her to shut up. And I know I shouldn't-- she's my mom, I love her-- but I can't help myself from feeling the need to shout or snap or scream.

    I want to go back to school. I want to get back on track (though I don't know if I'd ever really been on it; at least it feels that way), but I don't know HOW. I feel like it wont work. Like no matter what I do, forces (because there's no way I'm in control of my life right now) wont permit me to. Or that if I do-- and  this is almost worse-- I'll fall again. I'll fall and fall and fall to the point that I can't get back up. I feel so trapped, and I know I'm driving myself into a corner more and more-- but what the hell do I do?

    I want to see a therapist. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I don't know if they'll help, but I at least want to try. It feels like I need to be fixed, but I know I can't do it myself.

    I don't even know where to look. And aren't therapists so expensive? There's no way I can let my Mom know about even half of the things I'm feeling. She wont understand. I know she wont. I don't want her knowing I'm more of a mess-up than what I already am.

    What the hell do I do?


    recipe for failure - needhelp - Dec 14th 2009

    (I have been following a famous ladies experience with depression and consequent commitment to a facility. It has been several months dealing with intense guilt and worthlessness. Now contrary to what you  may think, I am very outgoing, gregarious, lead in several ministries, very helpful and compassionate towards those in need, I read and memorize Scripture. You name it. I am blessed and fortunate to have sharpening, kindred, Godly, strong Christian friends. There have been a few things occur in the last 2 years that I believe has led me to where I am today as best as I can figure. But instead of boring you with all the details, I have concluded that it is the fact that I have given up on those things I have worked so hard on. I see the apathy and disinterest in those in whom I have tried to pour my life into for His glory. That has to be one. The other is dealing with the guilt, the guilt that has kept me awake for many years. The guilt that I have passed on to my daughters the recipe for failure. While I did it in total confidence that I was following God's ways, it is definitely not so.  I am now at the point of suicide, I believe I am now past contemplation. However, there are things to take care of  before it happens as I need to make sure things are in order at home first. In those moments when I think I can get past this with help (as I will not ask for it), I remember she checked herself  into a facility. Maybe a facility will help but not here as I live in a small community.  Anyone know of the facility?  While the plan is already set, I cannot do this until things at home are in order ( our will is, but there are other little things I have to take care of first).  Thank you for any info you can provide.

    rawvegan - - Dec 11th 2009

    What proof do you have that an animal based diet is responsible for depression?  People who have eating disorders are often depressed.  Are people diagnosed with anorexia nervosa depressed because they eat an animal based diet?  Is the person who has secondary depression as a result of PTSD depressed because of their experiences or because of their animal based diet?  Are people with bipolar disorder pushed into the depression end of the cycle because of their diet?  Are they pushed out of the depression cycle into a manic phase because they are a vegan?  I believe diet can play an extremely small role in depression (i.e. if you eat healthy and feel well physically, you will feel somewhat better mentally).  To ensuate that a large portion of depression is because of diet is ridiculous.  Must be watching too much of the high school graduate, second rate actor Tom Cruise.

    If you need someone to talk to. - - Dec 11th 2009

    If you need someone to talk to email me at wonderful_joy_ou@yahoo.com. Don't let the name misguide you, I have dealt with severe depression and social anxiety, and if you need someone to talk about your issues with email me. I think if your visiting this site your looking for help and I want to encourage you in seeking that help, professional or simply needing an ear to listen. Never give up and rely on your own hope.

    look at your diet - rawvegangymjunkie - Nov 26th 2009

    A main part of the cause of depression is related to diet animal base diets induce more mental and brain disfunction than anything else fried and fatty foods are the worst. Try cleansing yourself and start living today I have and i dont look back.

    re:re: solutions sept 3rd - - Nov 19th 2009

    someone earlier commented on the author of the solutions paragraph. I totally agree with his disgust. Absolutely disgraceful. Sometimes i wonder what are people like this doing on depression sites. I thought the only people that go to these sites are people who need help and reasurrance and to know they don't feel alone. When I am not depressed I don't really search for stuff on depression so I can't understand why someone would say kill yourself. Sometimes i think i'm crazy but seeing stuff like this reminds me what crazy actually is and this I DEFINATELY am not.

    Could help right? Now someone sees it. - Grey - Nov 10th 2009

    I am 21 and I have been off and on with constant thoughts of conflict, anger, loss and lack of worth.  I get an A in anything that i try to do so now I don't even have a sense of acheivement when I do.  All i can do is fail.  I am once again systematically cutting off anyone who trys to be close to me like I do every time I get people who actually give a shit about me.  I do not want to go to a therapist because I am paranoid about how it could possibly affect my future.  I have my own business and a 3.6 gpa and everything is so focused on the future success of me and blah blah blah.  While all these thoughts dance like a parade across my mind it all turns into grey as well as all the people and notions of happiness.  I keep reaching for something to care about and I spend my money on little things just to make myself happy but it is all a charade.  Once people arent around me anymore the truth hits, I fucking hate me, I hate the way I look in the mirror and there is no longer passion in my eyes.  When I get bored and drift into the greyness I think about shooting myself in the head. I dont want to, but I cant stop myself from just drifting right into that thought everytime like clockwork.  I try to think positive and it works in small ways, but I keep coming back to the same thoughts and when I try to shake them off I actually give myself a headache that hurts like a bitch so now i cringe while I fight my brain.  It is so much fun to look like a psychopath at random times in the middle a crowded university.  Hoo-ray!

    One foot in front of the other - Tyler - Nov 6th 2009

    I have been there before.  I went through a period of time when I was about 20 (Im 25 now) where I didn't have the motivation for anything.  I suggest you pick up an old hobby. Something that gave you enjoyment in the past.  Try convincing yourself each day to do something for your enjoyment and try to have realistic expectations.  Replace negetive thoughts that you may have about yourself with something positive, anything positive at all it may be small. It is just as easy to be think positively as it is to think negetively. Understand that there are many people who have tough times and get through them so what makes them different from you.  You deserve to be happy and remember that if you want to be happy you can.  You may have a low self esteem or just haven't found your niche in the world which is fine, remember people do care and you can get through it. Try to live a healthier lifestyle if you can and remember little improvements are still improvements.  Take things day by day my man.  

    not getting better - sc - Nov 5th 2009

    I've struggled with depression since high school. I'm a smart guy, but I never had the motivation to do really well. Things got better for a short time, but now I'm 20, back in college, and things are worse than they ever were before. My dad died, my brother is married, and it seems like there's absolutely no one to talk to. I'm 6'2, I eat everyday, but I'm losing weight. I went from 165 down to 148 since last year. When I try to read for class, my mind drowns out everything and I can't concentrate. It took me over an hour to read three pages today, and I don't remember what it was about. This shouldn't be happening to me. I'm not slow and I'm not dim, but this depression is overpowering. I think it's time I sought professional help.

    i dont know how to help my mother - coralyn idea - Nov 2nd 2009

    please help.i dont know what to do.years ago my mother discovered about my fathers another woman.then after that,their relationship turns bad.they fight everyday and then seperate for several months.now we already moved on and they are back together.but then my mothers attitude went the same,she causes their every fight, every minute,everyday.as if it is their daily routines.and the reason?because my mother stilll cant forget what my father did.im afraid my mother is some kind of paranoid according to what they said ut i just want to help her live a more normal life.i love her and i truly care for her and our family.please help me.i need it right now.

    TREATMENT RESISTANT MAJOR DEPRESSION IS KILLING ME - PEGI - Nov 2nd 2009

    I HAVE SUFFERED WITH THIS DEBILITATING ILLNESS FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS. I'VE BEEN TO DOCTORS, AND HAVE TRIED ALL KINDS OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS/MOOD ELEVATORS/ETC., EVEN "VNS" WHICH DID NO GOOD AT ALL.                   WITH THE DEATHS OF MY BELOVED PARENTS 3 YRS AGO, EVERYTHING HAS GOTTEN TWICE AS BAD, ALTHOUGH I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE TO FEEL MUCH WORSE THAN THE WAY I HAD BEEN FEELING FOR SO LONG. WITH MAMA AND DADDY GONE (AND A BETRAYAL BY MY ONLY 2 FAMILY MEMBERS LEFT - 2 COUSINS - RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 3 YEARS THAT I WAS PRIVILEDGED TO BE THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER OF MY MOTHER), THERE'S NO LONGER ANY REASON TO KEEP TRYING TO "LIVE."

    I HAVE NO HAPPINESS OR JOY; I DON'T ENJOY ANY OF THE THINGS I USED TO ENJOY; I'M AFRAID OF EVERYTHING; EVERYTHING OVERWHELMS ME AND I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE... EVEN CLEAN MY HOUSE; I EXIST, I DO'NT HAVE A LIFE; IT'S AN EFFORT TO BRUSH MY TEETH OR WASH MY FACE; THERE IS ONLY SADNESS, TEARS, AND HOPELESSNESS. I'VE TRIED FOR SO LONG TO GET THE RIGHT KIND OF HELP, BUT I JUST GET KICKED IN THE FACE. I HAVE NO ONE... NO SIBLINGS, NO CHILDREN, MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR 12 YEARS. I CAN'T REACH OUT TO PEOPLE, AND THE FRIENDS I USED TO HAVE DON'T REACH OUT TO ME ANYMORE. I'M FILLED WITH ANGER, AND DON'T KNOW WHY GOD WON'T HEAL ME. I'M A GOOD PERSON AND HAVE A KIND HEART. IF I WERE HALF-WAY WELL, I WOULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE HELPING OTHERS.... BUT I'VE LOOKED AND TRIED TO GET HELP EVERYWHERE. SOMETIMES I THINK DOCTORS BELIEVE THEY ARE SUCH GODS, THAT IT'S NEVER NECESSARY FOR THEM TO EVER CALL BACK SOMEONE WHO HAS APPROACHED THEM BECAUSE IT'S A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION. THEY DON'T CARE THAT MY ATTEMPT TO REACH THEM MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE MY LAST TRY TO EVER GET MY LIFE BACK. I HATE THE STUPID PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS DEBILITATING AND MURDERING ILLNESS AND THINK THAT THE PERSON "JUST NEEDS TO SHOW SOME STRENGTH AND GET SOME EXERCISE" OR "DON'T BE SO WEAK... MAKE YOURSELF HELP YOURSELF" OR " JUST FORCE YOURSELF TO GET UP AND GET GOING.. AND DAY BY DAY IT WILL ALL GET EASIER." ETC. ETC. ETC. HOW I'D LOVE TO SEE THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO HANDLE THIS TYPE OF DEPRESSION FOR ONLY AN AFTERNOON! MUCH LESS A LIFETIME.

    I HAVE NO ONE TO LOVE, NO ONE TO LOVE ME, I HAVE PHYSICAL ILLNESSES IN ADDITION TO THIS DEPRESSION WHICH HAS STOLEN MY LIFE AND ALMOST KILLED ME, AND I SEE NO HOPE FOR ANYTHING. EVERY NIGHT I PRAY THAT GOD WILL TAKE ME HOME.

     

    Always depressed - - Oct 30th 2009

    I have suffered from depression since I was 6 years old now I am 21 and my depression and social anxiety is at it's worse. I am taking zoloft which I have taken for 5 years but recently my depression has taken a turn for the worse the past few months. I have even thought and caluclated the amount of days it would take for someone to find my decomposed body (2 weeks). I have thought about getting help but my anxiety has gotten the better of me. I should be happy, I have a full sholarship for 5 years, a part-time job, a loving family, but I find myself always sleeping and finding an escape. I think I really need help.

    OPEN WOUNDS. - - Oct 29th 2009

    Pain.anger.sadness.lonliness.hurt.confused.are words that i feel within myself. I'm 22 and I'm a college student working towards being the best person I can be. I will be graduating next December and I've always been a very laid back person that enjoys the smaller things in life. When I was 20 I started feeling sad all the time and started to worry more than I use too. I didn't know what the problem was, but i had a smile on my face everyday. Little did people know I was drowing within myself. I lost myself. I no longer knew the person I had become and i would look in the mirror asking myself when will Kim come back? How long is she going to be gone? will she ever come back? I then got on my knees and cried for hours. My mother and father don't understand my pain so I don't communicate with them because with my mother it leads into an unwanted argument and i don't need it...I have given up on happiness for know...I see the sunshine sometimes, but it's never bright enough to take the pain away. I look at the clock as times passing by wondering when everything's going to be alright. I was never a problem child...teen..or adult. I seen so much growing up and it has had a big impact on the person that I am today. I seen my parents fight and I mean FIGHT. I seen things that give me no hope for marriage or children. I'm just lost. what do I do and how to I save myself. I cry all the time...ALL THE TIME. I'm just wanting to be set free. from anger, sadness, confusion and more..FREE. I'm tired of looking back and still walking in darkness...I've tried to be a good friend..some don't want that...and good girlfriend...some don't want that...I try to be a great daughter...and I feel like I'm a bother. why should anyone have to feel this way...I feel so down and out. I'm don't know how long I can go through something like this. I ask myself...will i find myself..my identity. who I am. who I'm destine to be. WILL SHE COME?

    What is wrong with me? - - Oct 28th 2009

    I am 27 years old. I am single, no childen, no significant other.  I am a full time student with above average grades. I have a good job and make enough money to get by.  I am constantly angry and upset at the whole world.  I feel very awkard and self conscious in any type of social situation. I don't have any close relationships with anyone.  I get along fine with my family but I am not close to them, nor I trust them; it's superficial.  I feel hopeless and feel like I will never get anywhere in life.  I feel like I am stupid, ugly and worthless.  Happy people annoy me; I hate holidays and anything that resembles joy. Things that people normally find joyful I think are stupid. I would rather be alone than in the company of others.   I haven't ever thought of taking my own life, but i wouldn't mind if I went now.  Sometimes I just want someone to put me out of my misery.  I hate the fact that everyone expects me to be cheerful and happy.  No one understands the rage that I feel and they think I "get too worked up".  Can anyone help me put a name to the way I feel? I am miserable.

    i have totally destroyed my life,my family. - sharon taylor - Oct 21st 2009

    i have so much to say on this subject,i don't know where to start.i was diagnosed with bipolar,schioprhenia,mania depression over 5 yrs ago.i was going through a divorce,working in a factory had to move in with my parents,i also have a son whom has adhd and i was pregnant with a baby from a one night stand.at 15 i was arrested and put in rehab.i use to drink take pills huff spray paint and do cocaine.my family knew ther was something wrong with me but i did nt want to accept it.i have tried to cope with it on my own.i wanted to kill myself and my children.i didnt know what to do,living with my parents was so stressful.i never made enough money to provide for my children the way i wanted to.i never got child support,well only when he had to save his ass from going to jail.my check was being garnished every week from debts my husband and i both owed.i hated myself my life my ex husband and some times my parents and sister too.i have been know to go out on occasion to drink,but this last time,i was so stressed i thought i would have a drink or two,but i ended up drinking way too much and went over to my boyfrineds and accused him of a bunch of b.s.then i just snapped i dont really know what happened to me i grabbed two knifes,i hit him in the face i chased him around,i must have thought that i was going to kill him.but i would never intentionally hurt anyone .i love him.he has always been there for me,he was my biggest supporter.he made me realize things and see things differently in my life.i hate myself for what i have put every one through.no one deserves to be treated the way i have treated them.i am now charged with a class c felony and an open container.i'm scared.i just need help.i know i do ,but all the times i was on medicine i could.nt function i was so sedated.the drs changed my meds four times but nothing helped me so i quit them all togeher.

    my sob story - - Oct 20th 2009
    I am 27 yrs old have been married for 9 yrs and have an 8 yr old and an 8wk old.... the first three years of my marriage was a trip through hell and the devil was my husband.... we divorced....remarried due to his changes(he stopped drinking).. I have been using drugs since i was 14, any drug name it and i have loved it..... I managed to get myself through college (EMT-P) but for what? i am now stuck at home taking care of my bed-ridden father in law and my 8 wk old....my husband may not drink or beat me anymore but he uses cocaine on an extreme level so he is no help, although he maintains a good job EMT-P), that isnt enough..........i spend my days alone  (with baby and in capacitated father in law) i cry all the time, i have no energy, hope, anbition.....i regularly skip showers for days at a time.............no sleep anymore.............. well anyways i started thinking about using my husbands beautiful, powerful 357 to put me to sleep permanatly, or as i told a close friend to blow my fukin brains out.... that was enough,,, i have lost 2 boyfriends in my life due to suicide i know that pain(yes 2 boyfriends) so i went and saw my dr. i cried my eyes out and felt so embarresed, my life is good, i have money nice vehicles own my home educated great kids and lots of love,,,, but i feel hopeless lost alone and that makes me feel guilty.....well the dr. imediatly sent my to a phsyc.. which turned into just setting up an appt. no help that day and i was so angry that i went through ALL THAT AND STILL HAD NOTHING TO SHOW FRO IT,, THE VERY NEXT MORNING WENT BACK TO MY DR AND TOLD HER I NEEDED IMMEDIATE RELIEF THAT I WAS AT FALLING OVER THE EDGE........she prescribed me 2mg diazapam which yes does help some but not significantly... point is now i know that i am on a path to being happy again......HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE...... at least thats what i keep telling myself...

    Always expected to be the strong one... - J. - Oct 20th 2009

    For some reason I am always expected to be the strong one and I appear that way to to most, perhaps that is why I always seem to be the one people come to that will help and solve whatever problem it is that is happening right now.  I am also the one who is always expected to make the compromise if there is one needing made. 

    A quick view into me: mother at 16, 17, 19, married to high school sweetheart, father abusive and wrote me off at 14 he passed 3 years ago, mother who had weight loss surgery and went crazy in the head and leads a destructive life which don't include me unless she is in a mess, only sister survived breast cancer, daughter with health problems and a crazy boy friend, son has bipolar and says mean horrible things about me that are not true, care giver to mother-in-law (a thankless job), father-in-law passed away last year, lost good jobs because of the failing economy and overwhelming stress, going deaf from Meniere's and frequent bouts of infection, and no health insurance for myself.

    I am surrounded by people, but I feel unloved.  I feel like I live in a fish bowl and that I have no privacy, but I feel alone.

    I am always sad, I barely eat, I cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up every hour because I can't sleep, I barely have the energy to do the tasks required of me as a mother and a wife to maintain the household (cooking, cleaning, etc).

    I feel worthless and useless and often feel like a punching bag.  I don't feel like I belong or that I even matter. I don't feel like I have a home or that I have control over anything in my life.

    I hate sleeping, I hate eating, I hate breathing, I hate life!  I see others around me that have seemingly perfect lives and they "owe it to God" but He has nothing for me.  All I have known in life has been disappointment and heartache. Struggling and falling flat on my face no matter how hard I try or how much "praise" I give Him is the only thing I have received.

    I struggle with going to work and coming home.  I struggle with day to day life in general.  Although I would never think of ending life by my own hand, I do not care if it ended.

    I am overwhelmed with stress and it seems one more thing always goes wrong and it sends me into this dreadful thought prosess and I want to give up.  I don't know how to handle stress even at the smallest level anymore.  Honestly, I am at the point now that if I drop something on the floor like a sock, I stare at the sock and begin crying uncontrollably.  I need help but don't know where to go.

    What Has Happened? - Cathy - Oct 14th 2009

    People have forgotten what is important or some probably never knew.  They look outside themselves for happiness and rewards.  Years ago, family was number one and it satisfied people but now it is money, job, anything else.  Everyone is looking after Number One so expecting anyone else to fill the void you have in your life will only lead to disappointment.  Everyone wants money, money, money or maybe fame or acceptance from this group or person.  You can only control yourself and doing that is actually a big job these days.  Too many people expect someone else or something else to make them happy - world doesn't work that way.  Everyone has such great big plans rather than little steps towards a goal where they realize success along the journey.  What happened to God in people's lives?  You know that something is missing - what is it? 

    to Dalekent - aunt dina - Oct 12th 2009

    to Dalekent:

    Don't lose hope.  There are retraining programs.  Don't know what state you live in but there are programs that your workers comp carrier might be able to hook you up with.  Keep going with your leg.  You never know.....

    Aunt Dina

    Sleep solution - katsell - Oct 11th 2009

    I'm finding that a proper diet, indeed a raw food diet is helping me beyond compare to sleep better. Raw food recipes abound on the interent, and the food is fantastic. I'm having a great time with meal preparation.

    lost hope - dalekent - Oct 7th 2009

    I HAD MY LEG CRUSHED 18 MONTHS AGO. UNDER WORKCOMP CARE THAT HAS BEEN SO SLOW THAT NOW MY KNEE & ankle WELL NOT WORK. DOC. ARE TELLING ME THAT NO MORE CAN BE DONE. THE ONLY SKILLS I HAVE IS IN CONSTUCTION. THAT WORLD IS OVER FOR ME & I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

    Re: Solutions (Sept 3rd) reader comment - - Sep 30th 2009

    I am stunned that the end part of this reader comment was allowed on screen.  How thoroughly reprehensible!

    Anyone who knows anything about depression - I myself have been diagnosed with a severe major depression - will know that depression is not something that you can just pull yourself out of with a click of the fingers.  It is a long, slow process that is far from easy for any of us.  For a web page written on the basis of understanding depression to allow the comment (paraphrased) 'Enjoy your life or stop living it' is the height of irresponsibility.

    People with depression are too often considering ending their lives, or not doing anything to stop it ending too early.  The remark published actively encourages suicidal thoughts and acts in people who may not have the emotional control necessary to read around it to the probably well-meant 'snap out of it' that I assume was the intent.

    I am disgusted and outraged that this has been allowed on this site with apparently no consideration of how it may affect individuals in dire need of support.

    To them, I say the same thing I tell myself every day.  Though I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, it does not mean that it is not there.

    Almost 50 and things are bad - - Sep 29th 2009

    I am almost 50 years old.  I have made some poor decisions during my life so far.  I am married and have 4 kids.  I was layed off of my job in January of 2008 found another in May of 08.  Then in December of 08 I was lated off again.  I have been looking ever since and have had one interview in 10 months.  I am able to make my payments and keep my house for now but am very concerned that I will be losing my house.  I am afraid.  The first job that I was layed off of people that sat around and played video games were kept while others that worked were gotten rid of.  It makes no sense but that is the way it was done.  My job was my life.  I like to work.  There appears to be no hope.

    realistic expectations about an objective life - lee du ploy - Sep 21st 2009

    All of us suffer from some form of depression at one time or another in our lives,learning to be realistic and objective is one of the major ways in which to overcome this.

    Lets for a moment considder that you have to face the terrible dillema of saving something from your burning house, you have only a few minutes to save what you considder the most valuable.How you calculate its value is based on a number of factors,but, I daresay you don't spend time thinking objectively about your options, you immediatly make up your mind to save what you think of as the most valuable.

    My grandfathers theory  was that if we were born at a hunderd and worked our way backwards,people would have less time to dwell on the unceratinty of life but deal with the reality that you only have those many years to live and therfore deal with it.

    In this day and age we are given to bellive that we are entittled to more and consequintly expect everything to run according to what we are told by the media( I sometime have to remind people that TV is not real)

    So lets sonsidder for a second that you are given a choice to loose one of you senses,sight hearing etc., and lets assume you have no choice over it.Do you think you could be objective about which one to choose, I suspect not because they are all intergral end certainly essential to life as we see it.Yet many people live a comfortable life without heairng or seeing.

    My point is that we should learn to be objective about depression and be realistic about our expectations.

    Learn to accept that life is just once,to live it to the best we need to expect the best;not from it but from our selves.

    Find time to substitute your "morose" time for objective time,do anything but sit and think about your problem;in my opinion helping others will help you see how trivial one's own problems are.

    lee du ploy

    My daughter is depressed!!! - Brenda - Sep 16th 2009

    I have a 17 year old daughter that I fear is deeply depressed. But she refuses to see a doctor and I fear for her. I know she's doing drugs and she doesn't come home home for days at a time. Please, if anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.

    ahumm... - Jack - Sep 11th 2009

    My names Jack, I'm 17 almost 18. I was diagnosed with depression after I was forced to rob three houses and got all the charges put on me. Though 7th to 11th grade I was homeschooled. I got bullied a lot in elementery and 6th grade. I figured out though therapy that I have created a whole crowd of people around me so I don't feel so alone But, now I know their not real...so I feel really alone all the time. I have cronic constaption so I smelled all the time until around my ninth year of schooling then I got control of that. I was proscibed welbutron*(spelled wrong try and sound it out)* and that didn't work I can never sleep until my body phyicly can't move It's 6:05 a.m. I've been up now for three days and can't figure out what to do I feel like no one cares. I just got convicted for a class C felony and have to pay 18,000 dollors to the state for something I was forced to do.... It's just not right..but that's the way it goes I guess I'll just never make it in life...

    every story - jo - Sep 9th 2009

    i am going through one of the toughest times of my life the mixed feelings and emotions r undescribable. after readin all the stories i know i can conquer the way i have been left due to every kind of abuse i encountered. thankyou to you all. All the best joanne  xxxx

    wow does that sound familiar ljl - sandra - Sep 8th 2009

    I have been in some what the same situation. i have been told that i jumped out of  moving car more than once. that i have said some really nasty things that i don;t remembeer saying. i have layed on the ground balled up in a fetal position crying for hours and not understanding what was the matter with me. i still cry all the time, i feel anxiety on a regular, im so ashamed of the way that i feel that i keep it bottled up inside and when it comes out its not pretty. I have decided not to social drink. I usually stay at home. i can't keep living like this i have called different places for help thay say we will call you back in 2 or 3 days and know one what will it take for me to get some help ................      

    i dont what to do - sandra - Sep 8th 2009

    I have tried to commit suicide a couple of time since i was 16 years old so that should tell you how long i have been batteling depression. I was diagn. serervly depressed a couple of years a go. I have had treatment or couceling and medication when i can afford it . My family does not know intern that makes me feel alone. My boy freind does not understand and thinks it up to me to bring myself out of it. The sympyoms i have rea about MDD and Unipolar Depression sounds like me. I don't have

    insurance and i don't know what to do. Is there Help ?  

        

    alchohol and depression - ljl - Sep 6th 2009

    it was my birthday friday ,but im suffering anxiety and depression but made the mistake of going out for a social drink ,i was ok untill we went in a pub and my partner bought vodka because he didnt like the lager they sold, something happened and my mood changed from being happy to depressed and we came home in a taxi i was crying and drunk my boyfriend hid in his van from me and i flew into a raging panic attack , the neighbours rang the police and i cant remember much only that it was very late and they were saying i was a nightmare ,i feel so ashamed of myself and sorry ,the policeman was very nice and did a good job to calm me down .i apologised to the neighbours for the disruption caused ,but im scared il lose my house as its happened before.im normally happy go lucky apart from bouts of very bad anxiety and depression which i am going thru now .i need to turn my life around but feel im banging my head in a brick wall. my brother died when i was 16 ,he was schizophrenic but wasnt violent and i saw things no 16 year old should see and i think i also suffer post traumatic stress syndrome too .my partner is very possessive and i dont go anywhere without him for 10 years .i wish i couls rewind to friday night to put it all right

    I'm with you - Lo8282 - Sep 5th 2009

    I understand the point of the last user about what difference does it make to write it but I think it does make a difference.  We are all in the same boat and things like this can't be discussed with just anyone.  I think it helps to open up with one another.

    I have battled undiagnosed depression for almost ten years now.  In my family you don't go to the doctor and you don't talk about it and in my profession this is a black mark.  Plus, when I'm not depressed I don't think I need help and when I am depressed they're doesn't seem to be any help available.  I called a hotline one time when it was really bad and they took a message and never got back to me.  So much for medical help, lmao.

    I spent most of my college years in a major depression.  I had a great group of friends but I pushed everyone away, never slept, never left my dormroom, gained fifty pounds. 

    I was doing really well in managing for the last five years up until about two months ago when slam, I was hit again with a major episode.  I tried to tell people about it and they were over-the-top, they threatened me with commitment rather than listening.  My mom says, "suck it up, your life is better than a lot of people".  And I know thats true so couple guilt with depression, its a winning combo.  

    I have written two suicide letters in my life.  I drive over a bridge everyday and I don't think there is one day when I haven't thought about it.  Theres a part of me that is certain I will never do it but another part thats not so sure.  I really don't worry about that though, if I do it, I won't really care in the end.

    So, here I am again, pushing everyone away, spending hours locked away in my house and head.  I have no interest in doing anything or seeing anyone.  I know the ways out of the depression but aah who feels like bothering with it.  The funny part is from the outside, no one knows it.  I wear my mask very well and I am thankful that I can force myself to go to work everyday;  I know some people aren't that lucky.

    Anyway, I know no one wants to hear it and it sounds like a "woe is me" attitude.  It was just nice to write it and get it out.  Good luck to everyone.

    well that was pulling the punches.. - alana - Sep 5th 2009

    Ha ha - actually 90% you say is right on - true...only problem is when you don't care if you croak off...I don't care if I die, for example, but greatly fear to live maimed...so I just can't eat a bullet..I have been over and under medicated, can't get any help-ran out of effexor when I switched provinces and just had to do the straight withdrawal (embrace the tingle-twitchy thing).Doc here says I'm fine...now I'm just a high functioning nut..funny how I'm babysitting everyone's kids , but I'm a gentle soul  I only self-injure , as I have a horror of hurting children after my own childhood of being beaten, locked in car trunks, closets etc.  I think children instinctively seek me out - as I understand how nice it is to just be loved and have a meal and be told to wear your mittens when it's cold.  If only the parents knew what an effort it takes for me every day, they would be concerned, I certainly wouldn't let my kids hang out with anyone else as troubled as me!  But apparently if you know you're nuts, then you are ok-right?...  also, the kids are starting to tease me about  my pacing patterns, muttering spirit buddies,not keeping up my appearance and staying up all night....all in all we're good, but couldn't things be a bit better than this? I mean I make cookies and play dough and do art and crafts and the house doesn't reek,  but...Just sayin' ..where does one go to get help before they are ready for the padded cell?

    solutions - - Sep 3rd 2009

    I could write a synopsis of my experience to "qualify" me, but what good does that do and to whom? 

    And in the end, who f*cking cares?  In the end, we all just do the best we can with what we're given.  We do our best to overcome the thousand faces of pain we walk through.

    Here's my best to you my beloved - those of you who know my pain - here are my solutions:

    Spirituality:   "F*ck it"  God is bigger - She can handle it.  She will respect you for telling the truth.

    Physical:  "F*ck it"  Teach yourself how to ride a motorcycle.  Go skydiving.  Scuba diving.  You know what you want to do with your body - F*CKING DO IT.

    Mental:  "F*ck it"  Dance at 3am with the music so loud you could feel the rhythm if you were deaf.  EVERYONE is mentally ill.  It's just society's current accepted description that you judge your so-called reality by.  And that's a bunch of crap - test: who will give a f*ck in 10,000 years from now?

    Family: "F*ck it" Guilt is useless. 

    Financial: "F*ck it"  All you need is the motorcycle and the stereo system.

    Volitional: "Fuck it" And then f*ck it again because the very idea of will is ludicrious.

    Emotional:  "Fuck this one most of all."  When you have a feeling - and you become conscious of having that feeling - and that feeling sucks - F*CK IT - let it the f*ck go.  Don't eat it or think about it or feed it - go for a ride and dance and do whatever you love and EAT WHAT YOU LOVE - TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OTHER SHIT.

    You have this one life my friends.  Don't waste it on trying to change your mental condition, taking meds, exercise, eating health food, psychiatrists and counselors and medical doctors and eastern medicine and western medicine and all the mountains of phenomenal bullshit.

    Just LIVE.  And if you decide you don't want to - then kill yourself with a single bullet in the brain and do it way the f*ck out in the country where EMT can't get to you - because failing suicide is just insult on injury. 

    SUMMARY:  Enjoy the piss out of your life or stop living it - unless you are some kind of guru and you're living with the intent of helping others such that you enjoy your self-righteousness subconsciously - if you're that f*cked up - you enjoy the piss out of that.

    My Life sucks!!! - Kayla - Aug 29th 2009

    I keep wanting to believe that there is nothing wrong with me but the more I think about it I know there is. It's not like I don't want to be happy cause I really do want to be happy I just can't be. Even on the days i feel really good something will happen (whether something goes wrong or I "think" something is wrong) and BAM I'm wanting to crawl in a hole and die somewhere. I have given up hope. I've always felt like like I do now...just here lately it's been really bad and i don't know why. I have given up on friends, i quit my job, i mistreat my family, and I moved out of my apartment with my boyfriend. I want to be alone all the time and I will cause arguments and fights till i make everyone mad around me. I know that is not normal and because of my actions I am alone. MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!! I have given up. I think the only reason I'm still here(with my major depression) because I DO believe in God and if I end my pain i will burn in hell forever and ever. Sometimes though I think it wouldn't be so bad since i am already living there.

    Conclusion: Since i know myself.. i know i will never harm myself to the point of death and i will in fact live with what ever it is i am suffering from and try to live a half way normal life. Although i push everyone one in my life away i still have some people in my life that wont allow me to do so. I love them for that!!! Good luck to everyone else that feels like i do and don't give up.

    this disease makes me angry - - Aug 21st 2009

    ^&*k this disease.  I'm gonna beat it.  The only things that help me is: exercise, meds and being cognitive about the dreaded D.  I realize that the horrendous thoughts in my head are all lies.  All that negative shit that spews out at us are LIES.  Does this make the depression go away: no, but at least it slows me down and makes me realize that my thinking is not real.  I have been depressed for all of my 40 years.  I was an uber sensitive child, If anything bad happened to me I wouldn't know how to handle it.  Example: If i saw a stray dog on the street I would sob and cry until i made myself sick.  My mom was abusive she was not having that p*&&y shit.  So by the time I was a teenager I was pretty numb but sad.  I finally realized at the age of 36 that something was dreadfully wrong.  People lie when they tell you it gets better.  When you are young you believe it.  Well at 36 I discovered that, that was BS.  You wouldn't BELIEVE what they make you do when you are chronically depressed--- I didn't have insurance so i had to pay out of pocket.  One therapist told me that it would be 160.00 an hour to see him.  I told him I'd rather be crazy and i heard him chuckle on the phone.  Folks we are pretty much on our own. 3 years later I found a good therapist  I have been on Effoxor for about 2 years it took a long time to get the dosage right.  But of course, Life gets in the way-- It doesn't care if you are depressed or not.  My mother passed away 6 weeks ago.  Even though she was abusive to me and my brothers in the past, we began to heal our relationship as best as we could.  Her death ignited a black, pithy hole that i felt would swallow me whole.  If that wasn't enough my own son cursed me out and my aunt is trying to take all of my moms inheritence.  But what iam mad at the most is this F*&king disease.  I did all the things us depressive souls do-- stayed in bed allll day, barely ate, cried and looked on the net to figure out what would be the easiest most painless way to end it all. I becaome numb and didn't even bath (lord have mercy) 

    Dont ask me how I know this but IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE YOU BETTER BE READY TO WATCH WHAT IT DOES TO THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.  Because on "the other side" you will see the aftermath of what you did.  Don't think I don't know the pain this ghastly disease causes.  It is pure agony.  But life is about learning and if you don't get through this you will have to learn it some other way and it may make depression look like a walk in the park.  I JUST KNOW THIS.  You have to try EVERYTHING- meds, exercise (which helps ALOT-- this from girl who can sit her ass on the couch ALL DAY.  I have to have my exercise fix at least everyother day)  god, ALAH who every even shock treatment (joke) before you give up.  You have to try EVERYTHING.

    Seriously, I wish all of you who are suffering some relief.  Get mad at the bitch! don't let it ruin your life's lesson-- get even! try, and try and keep tryin'

    wow people like me - Ko - Aug 20th 2009

    its so nice to know im not the only one...........these days i try to separate thoughts from awareness, apparently thats what a spiritual experience is..............awareness WITHOUT thought.

    Is there help anywhere? - Beesy - Aug 16th 2009

    My husband, 68yrs old, and I have been married for 42 yrs and we decided to finally separate. When that happened & the economy get so bad (he was in real estate) he gradually went into a state of deep depression & is home with me. Now 2yrs later, 3 hospitalizations, 5 Pyschiatrists, Electric shock treatments, all different meds, he is negative about everything, never happy, severe hypochondriac, physically a shell of the active person he was. I have him going to a senior care center & therapist & pychiatist and also a at home nurse.  I now see a therapist to get through me days. There seems to be no professional that has been able  to help. What more can I do????

    the mirrors reflects you - lee du ploy - Aug 16th 2009

    Depression is one of the most debilitating problem,its seems  to creep slowly up on you and forces you to confront it; somehow I am told it more often that not ,it wins.

    I have worked in Africa,Europe and now China the common denominator with deoression seems to be willing to confront the beast.There seem innitially some difficulty in accepting that it exists untill its often too late.

    Treating it consquintly proves harder........here are a few possible steps which  I have foundto  help in some people.

    First is to eliminate the obvious  negative influences;TV, the Radio and the media, all of whom conspire with their onslaught of laying on the negative news.In my opinion depressed people seem to react more dramatically to "day to day" events like bad news.

    No one is saying this is easy but I have found if I can encourage them not to listen to the news and eliminate as much as possible negative input,this seems to help.

    In addition Art as therapy, speaking without words have a dramatic impact.

    Thus covering two bases.

    Keep away as much as possible from negative input.

    And do something, like painting, this in my opinion however simple seem to help.

    I wish you all well, and can only say that "by the grace of of  God"

    Help!!!! - - Aug 13th 2009

    Depression definitly affects everyone in the family. I am taking care of my father and his girlfriend stay with me also. It is so hard i cant deal with it anymore. I have to get her some help or  give her a five day notice. I am trying to raise my family and the things she does and say are interfering with there upbringing. Her family does not want to have anything to do with her. She is also an alcoholic therefore its a double wammy.

    i dont know what to do - david mccoy sr - Aug 1st 2009

    yea i think that i have depression cause i have the same smytoms and its ruin everything i lost my wife and i dont want to lose my kids. i want help but i am afrid that if i get help i will not be able to be a dad and i want to see my kids do everything. that why havent admit my self. any advice

    sources of 'depression' - Lee Ferrell - Jul 24th 2009

    I worked with supposedly "depressed" young people for 23 years, and had huge success in using poetry to reveal stresses children have had to accept quietly to do what parental domination requires.  Such suppression of feelings can create an imbalance in essential neurotransmitters, and lead to behaviors which create more repression from authority figures. 

    All kids I worked with improved dramatically not only with behaviors/feelings but also with academic work.  It was all based on trust, gentleness, tenderness, and nurture and sometimes certain specific medications were used to help along the process.  Caring nurture is essential to the development of a "healthy personality."  It is _never_ too late to offer this to a growing child.  I witnessed this approach creating what most called "miracles." 

    Please do not give up. It is possible.  One offering of gentle nurturance can change everything.  John Bradshaw, well known psychologist in the 80's made this approach known to thousands/millions....  Corporations began to exert more influence on PBS programming at that time and his offerings no longer appeared. 

    Peace and happiness!

    LEE

    some sort of depression - DR.T - Jul 24th 2009

    Hi Nicole,

     

    From what you wrote, you seem to be experiencing some sort of depression or at least you're showing signs of depression. You must seek help for your symptoms. You can always contact your primary care physician (PCP) or seek a psychotherapist to speak with. You can find one at www.psychologytoday.com, scroll down the page and there you'll see "find a therapist" link.

         The upset stomach sounds like anxiety. Believe it or not, but I too use to have the same symptoms every morning waking to go to class. It would happen at the sound of my alarm clock! I was "conditioned" to feel the anxiety associated with getting through my day each time the alarm would sound. But I found ways to reverse that "conditioned" response. Perhaps you can too!

     

    One good way is to use a form of meditation. You do not have to know how to do this right. There is no right or wrong way. All you have to do, maybe before bed or after waking, is sit quietly with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths. You can say quietly to yourself "today is going to be okay, I will get through it just fine." Or use any type of encouragement for yourself: The Lords Prayer, an inspirational message or song, purchase a meditation DVD or CD, or think on something good through imagery like a sunset or an ocean.

     

    Try yoga daily. Stretching is a great release for stress (maybe after waking or before bed). The more you do it, the better you'll feel. Drink warm milk, have a banana or turkey wrap, and/or take a warm shower or bath before bed. Eating something small and healthy before bed, can give you a good night sleep and perhaps a good waking experience. Treat yourself is what I'm saying. This should reduce anxiety.

     

    Additionally, did you know that drinking can only further your negative feelings? It may make you feel okay initially, because the depressed effects it has on the central nervous sytem causes you to feel "out of touch" with your surroundings, but it later can make you feel very bad. It only produces more feelings of negativity. Drinking is not the answer for anyone! I would encourage you to avoid alcohol when you're feeling depressed.

         Have you ever thought of seeking spiritual guidance from a local pastor, theologian, or inspirational leader? Many can offer you great support, especially emotional support. Psychotherapy with someone who believes in incorporating a spiritual component may be helpful to you. You may be interested in a set of CD's titled: Creating calm in your life: a guided meditation and stress reduction CD by Rivka Simmons. This may also give you some encouragement:

    http://www.intouch.org/site/apps/nlnet/content2.aspx?c=cnKBIPNuEoG&b=4943945&content_id={98EC1DEF-CCED-4D35-A494-2578A1C090DE}&notoc=1 

    or

    http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4944627/k.9C84/Faith_Foundations.htm

     

    There are times in life when we indeed just feel like crying. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It just makes you HUMAN and a HUMAN BEING who FEELS. If these feelings are interfering with your everyday life and your ability to function as you should, however, you should definitely seek treatment.

    I wish you well

    What is wrong with me? - Nicole - Jul 24th 2009

    I have been up and down since i was young. My stomach would hurt every night knowing i had to go to school in the morning. At 21 it has become worse, I just want to be alone all the time, i have cut off all my friends, i have severe mood swings causing me to become angry and i never really know why. I either eat too much or nothing at all. I have paranoia and believe everyone has alterior motives for being around me. Also, I feel like i am constantly ill and fear that i have diseases and serious health problems. My moods are either really low or neutral at best. When I drink, it becomes excessive then i stop for months (binge drinking basically). i just feel like crying...

    Help Available - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jul 20th 2009

    In reading the last several messages posted here I became aware that there are some basic misunderstandings about the various depressions and the help that is available.

    Today, more than ever before, there is real help available even for the most difficult of depressions. Treatment varies from various medications, such as anti depressants to mood stabilizers, cognitive behavioral therapies, and, in the very  most severe and stubborn cases, a brain implant that stimulates the part of the brain where the center of the symptoms lies. This last is still experimental for depression.

    In no way do the medications cause people to become "zombies" as Shaun seems to fear, nor is there any reason to resort to suicide. Not today, not when modern treatments give people their lives back and when there are new and exciting developments in the field.

    Seek help for your depression, regardless what type it is.

    Dr. Schwartz

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