Emotional Coping and Divorce
Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and in the midst of the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed. In this section, we will talk about practical ways that divorcing people can cope with and make the best of their stressful circumstances.
There are really two sides to the divorce process; the human emotional side and the formal legal side. Different coping strategies and skills are appropriate to address each of these aspects of divorce.
Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear at the prospect of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all of these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am.
Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them so as to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.
- Allow grieving to occur. Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course. The grief process tends to unfold in predictable patterns. Most commonly, people move back and forth between a shocked, numb state characterized by denial, depression, and/or minimization of the importance of the loss, and outraged anger, fear, and vulnerability. The dialog between numb and upset continues over time as the person emotionally digests the nature of the loss. Ultimately, enough time passes that the loss comes to be thought of as something that happened in the past, and that is not a part of day-to-day life. Grief doesn't so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a while.
Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses. Someone whose marriage was betrayed might take a longer time to work out their grief and to do it in a more vocal way than someone who chose to leave a marriage of their own accord. Someone who found out suddenly about their spouse's affair might grieve differently than someone who has watched their marriage deteriorate for years.
It is not realistic that grief over a lost marriage should be worked out in a month or even several months. Most people will continue to deal with the emotional ramifications of loss for many months, sometimes even several years. Several years is a long time, however; really too long to spend exclusively grieving when life is so short. People who find that grief has not for the most part abated after 12 months have gone by are strongly urged to seek the assistance of a professional therapist.
- Choosing to move forward. While grief can be immobilizing at first, after a while, most grieving people find that, little by little, they are ready to move on with their lives. For a time, they may find themselves moving on and grieving at the same time. Over time however, if everything goes well, the grieving process loses steam and more energy becomes available for moving on with life. Discussion of the moving forward process is handled in a later section of this document.
Methods for coping with emotion
As a practical matter, there are a number of things that people can do to help themselves cope while grieving the loss of a marriage.
- Prioritize. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because one is hurting. Despite grief, there will be chores that need doing and bills that need paying. There may also be any number of extraordinary tasks that must be accomplished during the transition from married to single person (such as finding an apartment, turning on utilities, changing addresses, etc.) which add to the general stress. Creating a list of such necessary chores can help to reduce their stressful impact on one's life. All chores should be placed on the list in the order of their importance. Starting with the most essential, each chore is then worked through and crossed off the list as it is completed. The simple act of prioritizing and checking off list items helps make sure that all necessary chores get accomplished, and further helps to generate a feeling of control over what might otherwise be experienced as unmanageable demands.
- Put things away. As soon as it is practical to do so, start living as a single person again. Put old photographs and mementos away where you don't have to look at them all the time. Start paying your own bills and handling those aspects of life that your ex-spouse used to do for you. Limit your contact with your ex-spouse. In general, do what you can to confidently look forward towards the future, rather than backwards at your divorce.
- Talk about it. Many grieving people find that their suffering is somewhat lessened when they are able to share their hurt feelings with a sympathetic audience. For this reason, it is often helpful for grieving people to tell trusted family and friends that they are getting divorced, and to request assistance from these trusted people as they are able to offer it. Finding someone who can and will listen and allow one to vent their hurt emotions and fears and offer comforting advice often proves very helpful. Not everyone is a good listener, however, and those who are will have lives of their own and may get fatigued over time, especially if one's grief process is not brought under control. Some friendships might also prove too fragile to survive one's divorce and will be lost in spite of best efforts. It is best to use judgment when deciding with whom to share, how much to share, and how often to share so as not to overly fatigue one's supports.
If existing supports prove inadequate, other support opportunities can be created by attending support groups or by working with a professional therapist.
Support groups are self-help meetings attended by people going through the same sorts of circumstances. Generally sponsored by community centers and religious institutions, divorce support groups provide a face-to-face forum where people in different stages of adjustment to their divorce come together to educate and support one another.
Online divorce support groups are also available 24 hours a day on the Internet, offering a less personal, but more accessible support format. One caveat with regard to online support forums is that they can be plagued by 'trolls' - people who are there to insult and ridicule legitimate members. Keep your thickest skin and sense of humor handy when using online supports.
Psychotherapy and counseling can also be excellent options for obtaining divorce support. A qualified therapist is a trained and empathic listener with an expert understanding of how divorce affects and changes lives. He or she will be able to provide a safe place where the divorcing person can vent their emotions and talk about their fears, especially those feelings that are too private and intense to talk about elsewhere. He or she will also be able to provide expert guidance on managing stress, grief, and self-defeating thoughts, remaining an effective parent to your children, and rebuilding an effective life in the aftermath of divorce. The 'chemistry' between therapist and client is important. It is often a good idea to interview one or more therapists prior to committing to work with any particular one so as to find one who feels safe and best appears to offer appropriate guidance.
- Support yourself. In addition to seeking support and guidance from others, there are also good ways you can help yourself to cope.
Maintaining (or starting) healthy routines is a primary means of self-support that frequently gets overlooked. Divorce is a stressful time of change, and many of the good habits one has formed to help maintain health can be lost in the shuffle. At a personal level, making time to exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and eat regular healthy meals can help to preserve health and reduce the effects of stress. Keeping select important pre-divorce family routines intact (such as eating together as a family, or attending religious services) is also advisable as this continuity can be a comfort to all.
Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you go through your adjustment to being divorced can provide many benefits. Most pressingly, journaling allows a further outlet for emotional upset. Describing pain and the difficult situations being coped with in writing helps one to gain a better grip and perspective on those emotions and situations, both in each immediate situation described (it feels good to purge pent up feelings), and also across time as growth and movement become apparent. Journaling is cheap, requiring only a notebook and a pen, and can be done at any time of day or night, making it an ideal self-help strategy.
Distraction. Sometimes it's not enough to write or talk about how one is feeling. In such situations, being ready and able to distract one's self can be helpful. Watching a television show or movie, reading a book, surfing the net, exercising, cleaning the house, organizing files, and other attention-demanding tasks and chores can get one's mind away from painful feelings that otherwise might drag out into depression. It is helpful to prepare in advance a list of what needs doing, and to get copies of compelling books and other media handy so that when distraction is needed, it will be easy to pick something healthy or worth doing with which to distract one's self. Although television is always available, it is not necessarily the healthiest or more edifying choice.
Self-soothing. Divorced people are often wounded people, and wounded people need to be gentle and compassionate with themselves while they heal. Treating yourself to a few comforting and healing experiences you might not otherwise allow yourself can be in order. Massage, relaxation routines, a long bath or hot shower, or a plate of one's favorite food can help produce relaxation, calmness and a sense of being cared for, all of which can be balm for a bruised soul. Religious, yoga and meditation retreats, vacations, and similar excursions can have a similar effect. So long as finances allow and healthy routines do not get bent too much, such comforts and small extravagances can help smooth the healing process.
- Explore dormant interests. In divorce, one door slams shut, and people tend to spend a lot of time adjusting to that closure. What they come to see after a while, however, is that when one door closes, others open. Divorce is thus a beginning as well as an ending, and a perfect opportunity to explore new interests. Finding one or more causes, clubs, fields, hobbies or projects one is interested in (and wants to work in/on) is beneficial in a number of ways. New interests capture attention and bring it into the present, away from a focus on the past. In so doing, they help people to start thinking of themselves as explorers and decision-makers and not simply as victims of circumstances outside their control. Exploring interests can make you happy and also help you to make new friends.
Avoid dangerous and self-defeating coping behavior. Divorcing people are often wounded people, and wounded people sometimes hurt so much that it clouds their judgment. When one is hurting, one can be tempted to do most anything that promises to remove the pain. The problem is that some solutions for removing pain work well in the short term, but can be dangerous in the medium and long terms. Failure to use judgment in deciding how one will cope with emotional hurt can result in negative, sometimes severely negative, outcomes:
Avoid using drugs or alcohol or gambling or promiscuous sexuality as a means of coping with pain or loneliness
Avoid diving into a new intimate relationship just because you're lonely
Avoid acting on angry impulses you might have towards your ex-spouse
Avoid stalking your ex-spouse
Avoid cultivating revenge fantasies involving your ex-spouse. Your successful life post-divorce will be your best revenge
Avoid making large decisions for a while after your divorce (divorce arrangements notwithstanding).
Free at last - - Mar 12th 2015
Divorce can also be liberating
Only 5 years and she is giving up - Kyle - Mar 10th 2015
I am 29 years old, and my wife is 27. We were engaged 4 months into our relationship, and found out we were pregnant with our first of two boys. We didn't marry until almost a year into our relationship. I have had my issues in our relationship, I won't pretend I didn't, but my wife had her share as well. The funny thing is that we never had that many issues, it was just that we, as a couple, never did anything to actually fix them. We have now been married 5 years, and I think it's fair to say that we both were just floating along. I have always, and still do love my wife more than anything, but I think we both just lost our will along the way. I should also mention that my wife has suffered with tremendous depression from before we ever met, and it has continued through our relationship together. Throughout her life, when relationships got hard, she cut and ran to the next open arm. Well, in January she met a person at work who offered that arm, and she sprinted. She didn't tell me, until she told me she wanted to leave. I pleaded with her to stay and that we could actually work on our problems for once instead of avoiding them. She reluctantly agreed. I then thought that were working towards that end: Talking more, planning counseling sessions, etc. Well, tonight I had had enough of the suspicion that this person was still lurking around in the background keeping her from ever giving this a chance. I looked through her email and found emails between them with talk and pictures of my kids, exchanged "I love yous" and so forth. This hurt more than ever, as she had been emotionally shut down with me since this person's arrival, and claimed that that was all she could be right now. Naturally I called her and was irate. I wanted to know what was happening. She is "in love" with the guy she met two months ago who knows nothing about her other than the rosy colored things she has told him. The sad part is that, as much as I hate this guy right now, it's not because she loves him. It's because he is the catalyst for the end of my current life. He doesn't even know what he is getting into. What she is doing to me now has been her MO her whole life with men. We were just together a bit longer and got married. She is scared and so into her own head that she won't see anything but an escape from what is "too hard" right now. It's sad. I love my wife. Even after all this, if she truly wanted to give us another shot, and he was gone, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't know if that is commitment or stupidity or a little of both. I only know that I mean it, and that it probably doesn't matter. Just miserable and terrified of life right now. Could really use some advice.
Dad is lonely....misses his kids - - Dec 21st 2014
The worst part of divorce? The loneliness. I was married for 18 years when my wife told me through an email she filed for divorce. She lives in the house and moved her parents in 3 weeks later. also filed a false PPO against me, had me illegally arrested, and claims domestic violence. I have been fighting for custody of our 4 kids. It has been 10 months since I have lived at my house and she doesn't follow court orders for parenting time. Out of money, constant court dates, and the first Christmas alone. It sucks. Just want to die. Does it get better? Does it?
Married 44 years and now going through a nightmare of a divorce going on 4 years! - Sandi - Jun 5th 2013
I had just retired in 2008. Was hoping to go traveling with my husband of 39 years. 3 months later his mother asked to move in with us. She was 94 years old. Well I took care of her for 7 months. My husband knew I would as I had always taken care of everyone.. I ended up having 3 nervous breakdowns as I received no help what so ever. When I told him either he had to help me or have her move to an assisted living home. He told me he couldn't do that to his mother. I told him I was leaving rather than have a heart attack our worse. So I moved in with my wonderful son for a couple of months. During that time he bought a Drag Car and Trailer. Against my wishes. He loved that I wasn't home and he had his freedom. I kepas telling him to get her out of my house as I wanted to come home. Finally he moved her into his brothers house. I came home and made 3 appointments with a counselor for us to go together. Well 2 days later I found an email from him and a so called friend of ours. She asked him if he read his emails every day. He told her yes and that he loved her and missed her and couldn't wait to be with her. I confronted him and he said it was a friendship email. So I went and filed for Divorce. I had to live with him for 11 months going through this divorce. Finally he almost hit me so he was ordered out and to not come on the property. Since 9/2009 until now 6/2013, I have been trying to get this divorce done. He is a control freak and has constantly changed lawyers so as to keep this going. Financially, emotionally and physically I am so exhausted. The courts constantly look the other way when he violates every single order they have put forward. Finally I asked for a separation so I could have Health Ins. As I am not in a position to get my own Ins. So as of 2/28/13 we were legally separated. So you think it's over? Not at all, more money for the lawyers. All the legal aspects should have been done in 90 days. Not so. I am so upset. I have lost 4 years of my life and he doesn't want to pay for his half of the House Taxes, Homeowners Ins. Etc. All I have wanted was to get this over and start my life. I can't even do that. I am in Limbo. I'm stuck and I can't move forward. I think it is a crime that the courts in NYS allow this to happen. I have been more than fair and instead of the courts punishing him for all of his violations, I feel like I'm always being punished. I have spent so much money and emotionally I am drained to the point of complete exhaustion. I have lost most of my family. Funny how I took care of everyone and when I need someone to be there for me, their not there. Only my one son. Thank God for him. He has helped me emotionally, he has been through this with me every step of the way. He knows how emotional it is for me so he goes to the lawyers and court with me. He knows I can't think straight because of all my husband has done to me. So he supports me and is included in everything. I am so tired of the people who use you and abuse you. I don't ever see myself in another relationship. It would have been 44 years in Dec. and I was a great Mom. I was a wonderful wife. Well now that I look back I was just a maid to him. He actually came out and told me he never ever loved me. Said he knew I'd be a good and faithful wife, a good housekeeper and a good mother. So he controlled me for all those years. I always came last, especially around his friends. I have found out he has been cheating on me for all those yearstage hurt me so bad, I get sick to my stomach when I have to see him in court etc. I wasted 40 years of my life on a narrsisistic, controlling person who has no conscience, no morals and never intended on being faithful to me and the vows we took. It sickens me that I really believed in marriage. For me it was all one sided. I may look foolish to some but I look back now and see how very cruel he was to me. I never deserved to have this happen. I do go to a pshycoloogist and she says I am very, very strong. I have grown but I am also very, very bitter. I know I'm strong because I do like myself and no one will ever hurt me like that again. When this is finally over I will do things that I like and not what he or someone else likes. I don't know what it is to do something for myself. But I will from now as I will be free to think for myself. I never had that freedom. So for anyone starting a divorce or separation, make sure you get the best lawyer you can. Ask questions as this is your life. If a lawyer tells you this is the way it is. You tell him or her, that's not good enough. They are suppose to be there to help you. Going through this I have found that no one cares abut the emotional part. They will tell you, emotion doesn't enter into a divorce etc. as far as the courts are concerned. Gee, isn't emotions the reason you are going through this Hell. I never want to see another lawyer or courtroom again when this is done. They have cut me open to the point that I feel like a fish that's been filleted. I feel as if my heart and my soul will never be what it use to be. So if you think your spouse or the courts will help you, think again. You are just money to them. The longer it goes on the more dollar signs are all they see and care about. Take control and make sure you tell them what you want. Not the other way around. So sad this had to happen to me as I'm a great person. Of course I did have my sons and the one son is an Angel. So if this had never happened, I wouldn't have had my son and my other son who could care less about me. I am a much different person than I was 4 years ago. If some one wants to just use me they have no place in my life. I only love those whfo love and care about me.
2tired2moveahead - 2down - May 12th 2013
Daily prayer and almost no support from family,associates,friends,church family to hold me during this battle out of no where. Wife filed a PPO against me one day several days later filed for divorce. I have not seen her since mid February when I took hospital health related issues I assumed. I simply wished she could have told me in person that she no longer loved me and wanted out of the marriage or something. We often discussed and agreed that divorce was not happening because our Lord God hates it etc.. It is hard to sleep, goto work, or simply perform regularly knowing she hates me that much to issue a false PPO then file for divorce. I would accept a simple I hate you which would make it much easier to digest.
blindsided - carol - Mar 12th 2013
One month ago I found a private phone my husband had charging in our home. He grabbed it from me and crushed it. Saying it was only girls he took out to lunch. BUt while I was asking to tell me more he was packing. He got caught cheating and he packed his bags and moved. out. I never saw it coming. Our relationship had never changed. we were happy traveling together living together it came out of nowhere. I hired a private investigator thingking it had to be someone special someone that I know...but all they could find was that he's been with hookers.
That breaks my heart more. He is a sophisticated business man and I can't believe he gave up our life and marriage together for sex with hookers. I keep thinking he is in a mid life crisis although it doesnt matter anymore. I filed for divorce.
I have a great support and I hoope all of you do to yet it still so painful.
Divorced filed on valentines day - Lorie - Mar 7th 2013
My husband of almost 16 years, been together for 18, left me on my birthday and filed divorce on valentines day. I am a mess, very depressed. Do not know how to move forward.
She really is/was my best friend - Dave - Feb 28th 2013
Another sob letter, right? I've always been and emotional manly man if that makes any sense. Until a little over a month ago, I hadn't cried since I was a kid of 12...26 years ago. When I was 23 I went through a divorce. We were two stupid kids who tried to do right by our daughter, but with hindsight we should never have gotten married. I spent the next 6 years or so using women as I could. It was about the sex...dated a couple of times that got a little serious, but I almost always kept myself detached.
I've known my wife who left last month since the summer of '93 when we moved across the street from her family. She's 6 years younger than I am so for years she was that little girl. Around the time of my divorce she was almost 18 and we'd struck up a friendship. (no dirty thoughts you pervs, ha) I'd known for awhile that she'd had a crush on me and she was so pretty so i'm sure that helped the friendship at first. Over the years we both dated around and did our thing. We always stayed in touch, though it was usually her tracking me down. Even then I cared for her and didn't want to \\
moving through the pain of divorce - faith2013 - Dec 27th 2012
just happened on this site. never done this before. Over thanksgiving my husband of 8 months kicked me and my son out of the house. he would bring up divorce every time we fought. His 4th marriage. My 2nd. I was blindsided. Just trying to get used to the fact that I am single...again. Thought I would NEVER divorce again. Been hard through the holidays.
Response to abandoned in grief - abandoned and in grief Hebron White Utah - Dec 1st 2012
Your comments hit me hard Read my statement about being abandoned.......... My heart goes out to you.. I can feel your pain.
I guess lotayity is not on list when getting married anymore. mIt is so sad that people who are married are giving up. 10 months out and I am still hurting although not like at first... My advice is go and find a man who will love you for real.. I was thrown under the bus and she did not look back... She was very high mantiance to live with but I was will to make it work and she puched out big time No remorse no words nothing.. She is claiming to be Christian but is Bi polar and co Dependent and is in a manic.. No hope... Her problems will surface with her (new love)..... it is just a matter of time she would not take meds for Manic because she liked the highs too much. In the end and looking back I am Happier than before but I still deal with the pain of abandonment.. So sad sORRY HOPE you do well H
Broken - - Nov 30th 2012
Married for almost five years to the women who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with only to be told one night that she no longer loves me and has met someone else. I did and gave everything to her. I helped her out of financial problems, emotional problems and loved her regardless of the disrespect to me and my family. She has effected me in ways I have never thought possible. I am depressed, sad and angry the majority of my days but am told by everyone that I am better off without her.
I feel empty and hopless about the future and wonder why this has happened to me but then read all of the other comments and think how can this world can be such a said place. The song Terrible Lie by Nine Inch Nails describes how I feel and I of course listen to it over and over again. I know this is not healthy or productive way to cope but not sure what to do. I miss my kids more than anything and constantly worry about them. I animosity for her is so intense that I am often overwhelmed to the point of having panic attacks. She has moved in with this guy she met and was hanging out with him well before our marriage ended. Its pathetic and is consuming my life and she acts as if nothing has happened. I ask myself why would anyone want to ever get married if 50% of all marriages end in divorce, leaving people feeling so miserable and without hope.
abandoned and in grief - - Nov 29th 2012
32 years of marriage. He decided he doesn't love me anymore, can't live with me anymore is leaving.
I am so depressed and cannot sleep eat or do anything. I cant use the diversion advice, everything leads to him in my daily thoughts, dreams and wishes. I am despondent. I did nothing wrong. He decided he just didn't want any responsibility anymore even tho I did everything anyway,
we both recently retired and I thought I could spend the rest of my life in retirement with my husband of 32 years. now I am alone, sad, depressed and can't function. I cry 24 hours a day and don't know how to get out of this depression and hope and want. I stll love him very much; he doesn't want me
Scared that i will never see him again ! - raj - Jun 30th 2012
Mine is a weired situation .. Emotionally distressing.... Eventually i may get divorced. I havent seen my husband from last 4 years. He is in another country & it was his choice not have any kind of communication between us ...
I dont know how is doing. For now there is some hope in one corner of my heart that I may see him once someday. But its more painful when I think of divorce... I will never get to see him for rest of my life ... :(( he will be thousands of miles apart...I\\\'m in India & he is US.
Its like mourning for death of your loved one (just like they will never come back, i wont be able meet him again) ..... its very hard for me ...
cant totally relate to what Matt posted - sensitive woman - Jun 16th 2012
When I was reading the very first post on this page by Matt, I could totally relate to what he wrote. My life is 100% like his; except that I am in his position and my ex husband is the one who got abusive, addictive and a control freak.
Even though I left him, filed for divorce and got it almost 2 years ago, I still cant forget him or move on in life even though I know I should. I feel guilty because despite his crazy nature, he did love me. Its not easy even if I left him know its best for me not to have him in my life. Its crazy but I do miss him especially events trigger memories - the first rains, certain celebrations... its not easy at all and it brings tears and guilt in my eyes even though my practical streak tells me I did the right thing. Yes, life gets very lonely and faith in God does get shaken.
I really wonder how people get over their ex'es and move on in their life positively. I'm not too favorable for therapists. I find them exorbitantly expensive and very time focused rather than having a genuine intention of help. I'm just tired of life and I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I'm in a worse situation than Matt is.
Married 3 years - Matt - Jun 12th 2012
My situation may not be as dire as others, but I just want to get this off my chest. We had our ups and downs when we were dating, but we made things work and we got married. For about a year things went smoothly. Than she changed. She grew controlling and abusive. She would make demands and everything had to be done precisely her way and she would put down and insult me every opportunity that she got. She was also a habitual drinker and tended to get violent to the point of breaking things out of anger. After 2 years of this, I had enough and stormed out after telling her I wanted a divorce.
It's been a little while since we talked now, but I find myself feeling guilty for leaving because even though she was an abusive alcoholic I know she cared about me and I find myself blocking out the bad experiences and only remembering the few good moments in our marriage. Even though she was abusive I feel guilty because I know I broke her heart and even though I'm level-headed enough to know this was for the best for both of us and I won't allow myself to go back to her, I can't get the guilt out of my mind. I find myself being lonely and almost missing the control and abuse.
Wife decided she does not want to be married anymore - Brian - May 28th 2012
Only 5-6 years together but for 32 years old this is a lot to deal with,. i'm not innocent of any ill doings or bad actions here and there, it took both of us to get where we are now emotionally and intimately. This is really hard I tried to act thick skinned but ended up crying a lot, I think this forum helps . There is a lot of uncertainly when all you know is that other person and now you will never be able to hug, kiss, or love them again. I think she is very set on not being together anymore too. I wish she wasn't.
Freebird with a Broken Soul - Veronica - Jan 21st 2012
I found myself after 30yrs Married to the man I thought was my soulmate,bestfriend,being abandent by him 2 weeks ago. I kissed him off that day for work and he never came home not even to get his clothes except for one time to get his harley that I took a baseball bat too when I found out he left me and his youngest daughter and it felt good at first but then I was even more depressed cause this was all too real for me to handle. I gave my whole life to him, raised our children left my job my dreams to help forefill his and climb the corp. ladder perfect wife,mother did it all and then some!I would talk to him my friend, if I had a prolbem now I have noone so alone so dead inside very empty I find it so hard to deal with my daughter which is just as hurt and confused as myself. I am here in this home with my daughter and told to keep the house cars trailer etc..all bills will be paid and a little extra in the bank just don't call him at work or look for his new place or date anyone! like I thought of doing that? dumb man and thats fine but let me breath take all this in Try To Understand Why My World was just pulled out from Under Me! then I can understand his rules! But Why did he Leave Give Me That Much Aleast I Desreve That On Why What Happened!! Divorce has just gone through his office like a virus felt so bad for co workers and finding out they are either having affiiarrs or want to test the waters out there. I didn't know I married a sheep thought it was a man but this man is no man and I hope the co worker in his new place which he won't say no or yes too will do the same to him. His older now so things take time to work on him and I understood this we have grown older together, I loved him but now I hope those little blue pills don;t get suck in his throat and his other aches and pains don't show his age too much. I wish him the best as I wish myself if I live through this pain and grief and anger and hurt and dismay of my husband leaving me not just me our daughter and our other two kids and there spouses wants us back together hello need to find out why he left! and why would I want him back after this I don't know what I want right now but not this Hell I am in! God help me! before I start doing things I have never done like getting drunk, doing drugs etc....I am so alone so shocked! and I know others put all these feelings into words much better than myself but this pain is like everyone's that going through this. Love doesn't live here anymore I am so broken..May all you others find peace, comfort, love and trust with others then teach us how to find it again.
Recovering from a long marraige takes time - James - Jan 19th 2012
We were married for 37 years, I can't claim it was all bliss and I carry deep scars from things she said and didn't do throughout the marraige. After about 17 years of marraige she became nore and more critical, she told me she didn't like kissing me because I didn't know how, and because I smoked it didn't matter how often I gargled or brushed my teeth my breath stank. Later our intimacy went to nothing, after talking with her about it saying we were far to young and it wasn't normal she said it just wasn't important to her but she would try harder. She left me a few months ago when I confronted her with a phone record showing her and another married man had talked to each other almost 50 times in a month. She repeatedly said he has nothing to do with it but within 4 months of moving out she spends every weekend with him in his apartment. When she was leaving she told me she wanted to leave me 27 years ago but couldn't suport herself. Now I see her doing everything for him she never did for me. I used to think she was going to leave me all the time. I'm trying to move on but she left me feeling I have nothing to offer anyone other than a paycheck because of what she has said and the way she has treated me through the years. I want to move forward and be happy but she wanted over half of our retirement and now we have to get lawyers to sort it out. I'm still married and can't move forward, she's happy with the husband of the lady who was suposed to be her best friend living with him on weekends. Her friends life is ruined mine is ruined and she's almost flippant, says it's just life. I see a therapist who says she was abusive and cruel and is trying to help me cope. I hope someday to be happy and find someone who actually loves me for me not my paycheck.
Divorce Pain - AJ - Dec 29th 2011
After 34 years together (February 14, 2012 will be 35 years...if we make it) my wife has told me that she not only wants a divorce, but that she considers herself "emotionally divorced" from right now. We have three children (21 yr old son, 18 yr old daughter, and a 9 yr old son) and this is the most painful time in my life (by far). She lost a loy of eeweight and has met son new friends that she considers he new "family," and seems to be trying to find the fountain of youth, or trying to live her life to the fullest before she is gone, at all costs. I am trying to pull myself together with therapy (mixed results), conversations with trusted relatives and close friends, but I honestly can say that this uncertain situation and future and the pending disconnect with my children has just about brought me to my knees and I'm literally trying to survive on an hour-by-hour, day-by-day basis. I am not sure, but I think that many of us posting here need to connect to, and support each other (before we end up on the channel 2 news).
What happened to my soul mate? - - Nov 19th 2011
I spent the first 3 years of a 24 year marriage in bliss. My soul mate then made me an inmate. I was only there to clean up after his filthy self and take care of the things that he was too weak to do. I was always a strong person who was the work horse. All vacations were spent with his family as I was left behind again to WORK, which was rarely a part of his lift or vocabulary. Well, after 8 years of this mental abuse, I met someone who made me feel beautiful. I felt like I was somebody instead of nothing. He found out, took the blame but talked me into staying. A few months later, the same thing over again. This was 16 years ago. Last April, I packed and moved, then filed for divorce. He is trying to get alimony from me and all of the equity in our house. I have thousands of dollars in medical bills because I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Why can\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t people just admit they failed, split all assets, and move on? It just makes everyone more miserable and creates havoc for everyone. This is 7 months later and they are still arguing that he should get everything. AND TO THINK, I WAS FEELING GUILTY ABOUT ALL OF THIS WHEN I WAS BEING USED SO THIS PERSON COULD BE A LOSER!
Me and my 5 month old baby girl - - Nov 13th 2011
I don`t know what to do since I thought finally I got everything..money love , and beautiful little baby. Suddenly I saw the truth .. he never loved me or even loved the baby… even he was not a good husband but I tried to work it out to have a good father. He left me and the baby alone. I have no one here in the state since I am a foreigner and he is American. He cheated on my with the cleaning lady, lied to me all the time, and let his xwife control our marriage. I believe everything has been written so I am accepting the pain and I will be strong to take care of my baby. I only have a question, why did he lie and take me all the way to this direction and ended by having a baby and he is not a good man. He pictured himself to fit me. He lied and now, me and my baby are paying for it. She will grow without father and she just came to this life clean done nothing to go through that.
Time will lesson the pain of divorce - Larry - Aug 30th 2011
I was married for 25 years to a very beautiful women 10 years younger than myself. 2 years ago I left that marriage because of her emotional and verbal abuse. I had lost my identity and confidence in myself. The put downs were daily and she used no-sex as a weapon to punish me for months at a time.
The best decision I ever made was to leave her. It was very difficult at first but as time went on I started to find my old self and started to enjoy life again by going back to everthing that made me happy when I was younger, sports and music. Its now been 2 years and I have totally rebuilt my life with new friends, playing golf every day and doing concerts all over my state singing and playing in nursing homes.
The responses I have read are heart wrenching. For t hose of you going thru that early stage just take it one day at a time. Do anything that brings you pleasure and do not feel guilty. If you do not love yourself no one else will. Your self esteem will go the bottom. I had to work hard at rebuilding my life and it was not easy. You can do this and life will get much better. Do no jump into relationships for a good while. I still have not had a date after two years and I am considering staying single the rest of my life. I have learned to be happy with myself and by keeping my life very simple has brought me great joy.
update - MGB - Jun 26th 2011
This is an update from a year and a half ago when I was going through my divorce. I too thought my life was over and that I did not want to go on. I got on antidepressants for a year, not proud of it but they really did help me a lot. Just got off them in March. Life does go on and things do get better with time. Yes it hurts especially if you dwell on it. Focus on your work and your kids. Don't rush into another relationship it just creates more problems. Look into the mirror and work on yourself because you have no control over anyone else. Admit your mistakes learn from them and be a better person. It's easy to be angry and resentful. Takes a lot of hard work to be a kind, forgiving and loving person. If you believe in God turn to him because it helps. Take one day at a time. I know that when you are in the middle of it all nothing anyone says helps. Everything does happen for a reason so either learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others or just keep repeating them the choice is yours. Best wishes to all.
I was Left,But now i am with someone who left someone - jane - Jun 8th 2011
I truly felt guilt and sadness as i was reading all of the comments....Everybody seemed to had lost a big part of thier life. It is sadning...I would like to share with you guys a part of my thougth.
I meet my partner at my work place. He is separated at the time we met started chatting then became friends then we all know what happens next. I am a single mother my self.
Well, the question is why when me meet other people and start living our life.the other partner that thinks that was betrayed,left behind or if they were in my case can't move on. Becomes jelous and angry of the other person that had moved on???
In my case my hubby had move on so did i. It has been 3 Years that they are divorce but still she can not move on. she won't let me in to the kids life she always puts him down and worst of all she now toke the child to a phyciatrist saying that the divorce is causing the child not to focuse in school etc. after 3 years...all this excuse to make us look bad. JUst be cause she ca not move on. We went to the psyciatrist to know what was going on but instead of talking about the child she started talking about how hurt she is up to know???
The thing is we are very lucky if all of us could stay with the same partner for as long as we live. But in reality that is a fairytale... I my self was left and hurt to so it is not fair to be treated like i am a nothing, that i do not excist or in her eyes i have no right in anything. Is it just because i am with her ex husbad?and so she calls me you are just the stepmom.
Well, i wish her good i wish that one day she will learn on how to forgive. That one day she will be a stepmother too. one day one of us will be stepparents too.
I just want to be heard cause no body seem to be talking about stepparents in a good way it's like step perants are pest in other peoples eyes.
For everybodys information we stepparents are once the ligal wifes and ligal husdands too.
Dont know how to let go - Raj - Jun 4th 2011
I can see its going end some day soon. But dont know how to let go ... there is so much pain inside.. Life is strange .. for one person the wedding vows meant nothing & there was no commitment.. so easy to cheat & walk away. For other its soooo hard .. I wish it was easier for me to let go .. . I hope God helps. ..
jealousy destroys marriage: joseph chua & mylene deles - joseph chua - May 8th 2011
we have three and a half years living together , i have a son from my past wife and my present wife also have a son from her past relationship. also we have a son together, at first we were happy together with lots of dreams and hopes for a long time relationship until we get old. it started when my first son birthday is coming and i dont want to invite my ex wife to come but my wife forced me to invite my ex to my sons birthday because she thinks it will be good for my son to see his mother, i never invited her since we been separated and because i dont want to have any complications to my new relationship, but my wife keep convincing me to invite my ex so i did, big mistake, because after then my ex keeps comming back again to my house to see her son .
i thought at first it was ok but my wife is getting jelouse over her. my ex is a lier and she is good at it and i know that she will ruin what i have now, many months have passed and my wife and i have fight because of my ex, i ask my ex not to come anymore but my first son wants to see her mother as often as he can, i dont want my first son to be lonesome of her mother again but its giving me problems.
my wife keeps on blaming me the problem but the truth is, she is the one who invite my ex in the first place. and my wife keeps on scarring me if i did not kick my ex out she will leave me. my ex is only seeing her son and not me. my wife is always jelous of my ex and keeps on nagging me the if i did not kick my ex she would leave , im sick of her saying that to me very often, so i said go ahead and leave after few attemps she leaves.
i know it was over for us because of her being jellous so often that our relationship cannot handle anymore. i love my wife so much even though i dont want to invite my ex, because she said so, that i was force to do what she said even though i know that complication may arise from it. i guess that we are never been bound to each other afterall., everytime i think of it, it gives me so much pain and loneliness eventhough my two sons are with me. it feel like if i have did the right thing not to invite my ex i guess we still be together, maybe..
i have learned that part of it is my fault and part of it is hers. but i know to stop the pain is to forgive my self and to forgive her too, dont look back and blame oneself because i did not give my best, because if we are meant for each other we will be together, i think there is nothing left for us to do but to go our separate ways and learned our mistakes.
its better to love and lost, than never loved at all. there is always next time. do your best and always remember that god loves you. thanks for giving me a chance to share my experience. god bless ,joseph
The End of All my hopes and dreams - lindylops - Mar 29th 2011
I was recently told by my husband of 32 years that he felt he no longer loved me, nothing I had done, I was the perfect wife, loving, kind, considerate etc etc, he told me this on our 2nd day of a holiday abroad for our wedding anniversary, we we both in pieces and had to get flights back after 4 days. Two weeks later (on my 55th birthday) he announced he was in a relationship with a 34 year old 'stunner' whom he has strong feelings for, he really sat and rubbed in the sexual side of his relationship, and said she loved him (they are only supposed to have got together twice!) anyway long story short he now does not want her...wants his space to see how he feels about me. I dont think after the blatant lying to my face (the signs were there and I asked repeatedly)....how do I move on? Im looking for a flat but people are telling me NOT to leave our marital home, however we have no space room and are still sharing the same bed...terrible!
Last night because I am now ill with a virus I slept on the couch...so Ive been awake ill all night now have to go to work....life is so awful right now...how do others cope, it doesnt help that the other woman is the same age as my daughter!
It doesn't matter it hurts. - KA - Mar 2nd 2011
hello all i have been reading on this site for quite somtime, i have been married for only 5 years, my wife is a great person, lovely wife, i always love her and will always love her, but when about a week ago i found out she has been loving to some other guy before me, they have a relationship, before my, which she never told me about it, she love him even when she is with me. she think about him and love him, all my love been nothing for her, but she never shows it. If i know she love a guy before me, why would i marry her but i love her dearly, and she is the world to me, without her i am meaningless. that's how much i love her, but she doens't love me but live with me, why? mywife been a good person all along but recently we argue a lot, and she went back to the guy before me, and told me she'll leave me how do i cope with this? any help?? thanks.. i even think about commiting suiside. i don't feel worth living, my wife kwi is a wonderful person and i am afraid i'll loose her so afraid i can't function at work, or anywhere, i just felt i need to die... any suggestion please sent to email@example.com thanks.
divorce and more - Sally - Feb 23rd 2011
I'm not only dealing with divorce after 20 years of marriage over the last 3 years I lost my brother, my dad and a sister. My son we have delt with many issues on over the last 10 years but now he has gone to prisons at 18. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore or what I should even deal with first. I'm lost and alone. I use to consider my self a strong person. Help
Complete and overwhelming sense of loss and grief - - Feb 23rd 2011
My heart feels like lead, and the tears won't stop coming. i feel tired, restless, and I can't sleep. To make matters worse, zero people to talk to. I feel caved in and alone. I can't take this pain.
How to Cope? - - Feb 7th 2011
I am the one that wanted this divorce after 23 years of marriage...to an abusive and controlling troll. But, why do I feel so much grief and sadness and guilt?
friendz - - Feb 3rd 2011
After reading your painful experience, I thought of telling this. Dont feel unworthy just because your partner or spouse left you... Just think that they are no more worthy of & have become blind. At the end, they are the one who are at loss. You will shine through...its just a matter of time. Think positive & move on ... Take baby steps. Dont look back for now. After two years you will see yourself in a better position & the pserson who betrayed you would have lost it all... forever :). Believe me. Let God be with us ..
14 years of marriage, was it for nothing? - - Jan 27th 2011
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I have raised his child as my own. We have split up before when he did have an affair, which I had a hard time dealing with but finally did. Then 2 years ago he moves out but we still see each other. Talks about working on himself so he can come back home. Then 8 months ago moves in with a girlfriend of ours and continues an affair with her that stated a year ago. Her son and mine are best friends. They keep this a secret from me for several months until I find out, about a month later he moves of of her place and tells me its over and want to work on us again. Then this last weekend I find out he has been back out there for the weekend. I have felt lonely for a long time but this is totally different. I feel that the 14 years I have fought for this marriage was a waste of time. I have no self confidence and feel like a failure because I couldn't keep my family together. I believe to many people are useing divorce for an easy way out and really didn't believe I would ever have to do that. I'm scared for the future for me and my kids, that I won't be able to make it. I feel betrayed, laughed at, and just plain unworthy. I don't know where to go from here.
Eleven years married and now this - - Jan 23rd 2011
I know I wasn't the best husband. Six years ago I caught her cheating on me. The affair had been going on for nearly three years at that point, since before the birth of our third child. The devastation was horrible, but we went to counseling and managed to work through our issues. Or so I thought. Recently, she lost weight and started dressing sexier, wearing make up which she never did before, bought lingerie, locked me out of all her electronics and social media. Now I find she resents me for all the problems I worry about (her possibly cheating, pending foreclosure, reduced income). I'm devastated again and lonely and I have no one to talk to. I've never felt so low before. How will I manage? I feel I can never love or be loved again.
Alone after 42 years of marriage - - Jan 10th 2011
How am to cope after 42 years of marriage and 49 years of being a relationship with the same partner. I know I have not always been the attentive wife and he said he felt rejected, but I have always worked full time, brought up two daughters and did all the usual household chores, most nights I was tired and sex was not what it should have been. My ex had an affair 4 years ago, I took him back but he told me he loved me but was not in love with me, I worked hard at overcoming his infidelity and he would not go to counselling because he said he did not have a problem. We were having sexual relationd until approx 6 months ago and had a gut feeling that things were going wrong. He worked nights and would sleep during the day, but he started going to bed when I got home from work spending less time with me, I found people on facebook that he was chatting with and making out it was women he had met through work, he was always on his mobile phone and whenever I came into the room he pretended he wasn't using it. When I questioned him he made me feel I was being possessive. He left his self logged onto a dating site and I found explicit photos of him and text messages hehad been sending and receiving from several women. He had met up with two of the women and had unprotected sex with them. One of the women he had fallen in love with and is now living with her. I am 63, my ex is 65, his new love is 45. I have worked hard to look good keeping my figure and looks, his lover is 17 stone, tatooed and with piercings. I asked him to leave and he told me he did not have any sexual feelings or disire for me and did not love me. I have a wonderful family who are supporting me but I cannot keep letting them know how low I am feeling, I feel my home, future and dreams have all been taken away from me whilst my ex is telling me he is liberated and happy. I don't know where I go from here.
17 years and 2 great kids - Nick - Dec 29th 2010
Feeling lonely and like I am the only one going through the pain of divorce. I simply want to say that reading other's stories makes me realize that it'll all get better. It really is a process we all need to go through in order to rebuild. Good luck to all! Keep you head high and your heart light.
15 years, devastating. cant go on. - a montes - Dec 27th 2010
I have been with my wife for 15 years. I cant believe that it is over. She betrayed me with the godfather of my son. This after a devastating job loss. How can I even begin to move on when I see the godfather who grew with us take care of my son and he call him dad. Im getting close to suicide. Its a big slap in the face and while she isnt looking back, I have no other choice. I felt that I lost two of my best friend. I feel like life is not worth living for me anymore.
Sad and Hurt - Pete - Dec 5th 2010
I have just finished reading many of the experiences in this forum of both the men and women who are experiencing and feeling the same feelings I am having now.
My wife of ten years had sent me an e-mail (I am working over here in Iraq for 5 years now for our future, or what was to be our future) that she was ending our marriage. Talk about a bombshell, I never knew she was feeling what she said she had been feeling, and not just recent feelings, but she said even before I came over here she was starting to have those thoughts and feelings. I never knew. She had never indicated.
This is my second marriage after having not allowed me to ever fall in love again, and thoroughly believing that I did not deserve enough to ever have a woman as my life’s partner again for nine years. I at that time was prepared to grow old and go to my grave alone and single because of that. But when I met my wife now, I knew she was the person I connected with enough to love and care for her, and to just let her into every crevice of my life. She and I were so interconnected that the trust I had for her was immeasurable. She is surely a courageous woman after having gotten to know her and listen to what she had been through in her life in her country.
In my first marriage I was the one who made the mistake of ending our marriage, and for that I have punished myself emotionally for a number of years, even now I know that I hurt the woman I loved then, greatly. That was the main reason I was so convinced that I did not deserve.
My still current wife to me was the second chance that I truly believed God had allowed for me to once again love someone and prove that even though I made the grave mistake of not honoring my vows to my first wife (and that was 32 years ago the date of my first marriage). The emptiness and pain I feel now is once again me being punished for the hurt I caused before.
Now at 55, I am still working through, and trying to come to terms with the very realness of having to spend the rest of my life as a single man. I am one who loves companionship and to have someone as my life’s partner. It has only taken me half a lifetime to get my head right, and know what is truly valuable when it comes to a relationship. My wife was my queen, she held the highest place of honor in my life. I was very supportive of her and had encouraged her in everything she did.
Being apart these past five years, I would go home every 3-5 months for R&R, has taken their toll on us both I am sure. I was over here missing her tremendously, and all the while working and saving so that we could be comfortable financially someday. And the really hurtful part about it is this month I was to go on a job interview for a job that I knew I was going to get that would put my wife and I back together physically in the same house, forever. I think that is when she decided she needed to tell me that it cannot be and that our marriage was over. And the ironic part about it is on the day of our 10 year wedding anniversary, which was this past November 24, we called each other to wish us a happy ten year anniversary, I sent her gifts and she had sent me gifts through the mail. And her letter was sweet. Three days later I received the two page e-mail ending our marriage.
So now I grieve over here, alone, surrounded by office mates who have know idea of what I am living and working through to come to terms. I have only shared with one, and I implored him to please keep it confidential because I am really very embarrassed, hurt, confused, and distraught and the whole host of other emotions that go along with this. I am working through each day now, one day at a time. The only family member I have shared this with is my daughter. I was to spend this Christmas and New Years with my wife, the first in 5 years, but now instead I will be spending it with my daughter in NY.
I am sad, empty, hurt, and strong, just to name a few. Thank you for allowing me to speak here.And I apologize if I went on too long.
a downward spiral ever since - Jen - Dec 4th 2010
It helps to read that others are going through the incrediable amount of pain that I too am going through. My husband was laid off about 2 yrs ago and it has been a downward spiral ever since. He turned 30 and has no degree, I told him he should go to school while he was laid off so then at least he would have something to fall back on. I worked nights and while I was at work he became "close" with one of our mutual friends. He calims he just needed someone to talk to. I had stressed that it was very inappropriate the things they were talking about and he continued to talk to her for months behind my back. I'm sure there was more to it than that but he would never admit to it. He had taken her flowers and to me thats more than just friends....We got married in 05 and have a daughter who is 3. This is where is gets complicated...I cheated on him in 06 and just decided to tell him when all of this drama with the other woman came about. I said I forgive you for all that you have put me through over the past couple of months because i had a one night stand four yrs ago. HUGE MISTAKE! The tables were turned and now the whole reason for our divorce is my fault. I felt like coming clean was the best thing to do considering all the things that he was doing to me. He clamied he was no longer talking to the woman but with in 3 days of me moving out she was already over at our old family home eating dinner with him and my child. How sick is that! I begged for forgiveness and had told him i would do whatever it took to fix that marriage, he wants nothing to do with it but continues to tell me he will love me forever no matter what. He still denys any relationship w/ the other woman and they are simply "just friends." I am not only dealing with the pain of a divorce but with the betrayal of a friend. Its really just too much for me to handle. I can't sleep, can't eat, I don't even know who i am anymore. I know I need to get it together and start taking better care of myself but I have just so much anxiety and lack of trust because the two people who i would run to when I was hurt are the two people who have broken me.
The pain.. - - Nov 22nd 2010
I cant believe that so many people are going through the same pain, same emotions and same feelings of hopelessness that I am dealing with. Yet, the pain doesnt get any lesser. What we often think as 'a lifetime of togetherness' when we get married, can get crushed if one of us doesnt care enough to make us feel worthwhile. Its sad but true. Sometimes I cant believe this is happening to me. Although it was my decision to part ways, as my divorce day comes closer, it gets more and more messier. There is an ocean of emotions and its hard to get through all this.Sometimes I feel if this is what Im feeling now, what will happen after the divorce comes through. Life isnt going to any easier. There are tons of common friends and relatives. Its surprizingly some of them just disappear and dont even want to keep in touch with you ever again. Its hard to believe really..
The trauma of a divorce is just unbearable. The fear of the unknown, the loneliness, the hurt keeps gnawing at your heart again and again. I quit my job when my boss found out that I have separated from my husband and kept taunting me. That hurt was unbearable and I just need my space and time alone for a while to come to terms with everything. Is this normal? Do all women undergoing divorce feel like this? I feel like theres nothing left in my life anymore. I dont have kids, I dont know whether to be thankful or sad... I'm already 38. Really sometimes, God is sooo unfair! I wonder how I'm going to get through all this mess and move on. It seems soo impossible right now.
30+ years and Over and Out - - Nov 14th 2010
After living together for 7 years, we got married. We had been married for 20 years when I finally asked him to leave.He had lost his job, was miserable and often verbally mean. Our oldest son was 17 at the time and the constant micro managing and fighting between them had taken its toll. I knew my son would run away (he already had once for two weeks) and never finish high school if they were in the same house. So, I chose my sons. I also have another son 3 years younger. I figured my husband was depressed and angry all the time that he needed some space to see and discover what was going on. He rented an apt across town with an extra bedroom to take our younger son on weekend, etc. He never did. Basically, he came around once a month or so to my house. He does give me some money to continue raising his son, but he is not a parent, unless lectures count. The older son graduated High School, is working full time and is trying to make his way in the world. I am very proud of him. The husband is always judging him about how he should live his life and do it differently. The younger son is looking at colleges now and he is very secure with who he is. For him, the husband has nothing but praise. Now, through this all, the last 3 years, I have been working, taking care of the kids, the dog, etc. and he has been single, living alone. He told me recently he has a girlfriend and that they were lovers now. I want him to be happy because I love him, but wow, he takes her to dinners, to movies, on vacations, music venues, etc. If THAT guy had been around occassionally for me, I doubt I would have asked him to leave. Or at least may have asked him to come back. Its funny, I miss "dating" husband. He was fun, funny and sexy. I guess I have been too busy living in my bubble. The man who lived in my house was NONE of those things. I guess its hard not to feel to its me, that I disappointed him and that his new love is where he wants to be. I have not dated. I have no time, and what, like I am going to go out to a bar and meet someone like he did??? Not likely. Its hard not to resent the time gone by where he had a personal life and although I would not have missed the time with my kids for anything, a woman over 50 looking to date is NOT the same as a man over 50 dating. Its a hard truth but it is the truth.Oh, and since my parents and brother have passed away, his family has been my family for 30 years. He just took his new girlfriend up to meet his family and we are not even divorced yet. I feel betrayed and wounded and replaced in ways I did not ever think I would feel. I know his family still loves me, however, now that she is part of his life, she wins the family holidays and outings. I know things will get better and maybe one day I will be able to be in the same room as him and her, but right now, RAW is the pain and soon a divorce. Sigh...
The things you don't expect to discover - - Nov 1st 2010
I was with him for 10 years. I never really felt those feelings I thought I should. I loved him but I was never in love with him. Inside I had a yearning I didn't know I had, until I met someone that made me realise I wanted to feel like that for the man I was supposed to be marrying.
I never acted on it but wanted to. I tried to repress it for as long as I could. I tried to tell myself it was nonsense but it didn't work. All that happened was that I loved more fiercely the person I could not have. Could not have because of my own moral code of conduct. He didn't stop persuing even though I gave no indication of my feelings for him. After an entire year of feigning indifference, denying his advances and claiming to feel nothing for someone else, I cracked. I made admission of my feelings too. He humiliated me. Made out like he had never told me all the things he had, never cared, never pursued me, never claimed to have wanted to be with me, talked about our future and protested his love for me. I should have seen the signs but I didn't.
I left the best friend I had shared 10 years with. I broke his heart, I broke my heart. I made the person I loved but had never been in love with absolutely beside himself. He would call me panicked and I would council him before remaining firm on my decision.
The one I was in love with used my vulnerability as an opportunity to degrade, punish and humilate me. I became his emotional slave. He abused me. I walked away. My perception of the world, of people, of love completely shattered. The guilt at what I had done nearly killed me. The abuse finished what was left of my heart off. Rationally I knew he was abusive. Emotionally I loved him and thought I could fix him. I still love him. Its torture. I don't speak to him, I never will again. I think about him all the time, feel driven by a compulsion to 'fix' him but I know I cannot fix anyone and that is not my place. Am now so burdened with intense fear that I am worthless and will never feel love again because of what I was subjected to by the person I loved like no other at the worst possible time of my life that I cannot believe life can ever be as it was before. I so desperately want it to be. It has damaged and scarred me so much I fear no-one will ever be interested in someone with so much pain. No-one ever told me that life could get so hard you just struggle to get through each day without bursting into tears. And you wonder whether it will ever stop. Every antidote to the situation - drinking, having sex, talking, eating - creates another layer of problems so you avoid but all you want is something to stop it hurting. To connect with other people who are real, who have lived, who want to share. You are more often met with those who consider you weak or deny that these types of people exist or that the world is like this and you feel isolated. Like no-one understands. But somehow you manage to drag yourself through each day, hold down a job, smile and laugh and wonder how on Earth you haven't died from the pain because you keep thinking its going to kill you, but it hasn't.
Life, can we all please educate our children appropriately? Who is painting these surreal pictures about the world, people, struggles? I feel like I just woke up out of a coma and entered the real world. One that isn't very pretty. Its like someone stole my innocence. I'm not sure whether what I'd pay to have it back or if I'd want it. Learning to laugh despite the things that have occured is the only way forward. One foot infront of the other till you're running.
Some random musings about pain, love, divorce, abuse and the crazy shit you do when you're head isn't on straight because you fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time.
hoping for forgiveness - - Oct 28th 2010
I was dating the girl of my dreams. everything was perfect in our relationship and we had a lot in common. after three months i proposed to her and she said yes. we planned on having a wedding 8 months away (june 5th) and both of us were extremely happy about it.
we have been married now for four months and although i thought things were going fine, they werent. amid all the stresses of getting a new apartment, new car, and new life together, i changed and not for the good. we started fighting a lot and couldnt agree on anything anymore. i spent money we didnt have on stupid things and i didnt do my fair share of the relationship. instead of confronting me about this, she held it inside and last week it all blew up. she said she feels like she is in prison and that she cant trust me anymore. i knew our relationship wasnt perfect but i didnt think this would happen.
i am completely devistated that this happened and that it was avoidable. we both need time to think about what we want out of our relationship and out of our own lives. we took a break from each other and although i dont know how long it will last, i hope it makes us stronger. i am willing to put 100% into this marriage and although she says she does too, she said she doesnt know is she will ever trust me again. i guess im only writing this because i dont know what else to do right now. ive never been this lonely or this depressed. it was a huge eye opener and i just want another second chance.
A Healing Step - JGirl - Sep 11th 2010
It seems to me, after reading so many comments, that there must be something healing in writing your story and posting it. I doubt mine will bring any surprises but if it'll help me to feel better, I'll do it. I got married very young but to my best friend. Even now, two months after our divorce, I still consider him the love of my life and have a desire to be with him and around him. I certaintly don't hate him, though it was me who filed for divorce and ultimately walked away, drove away really- to a completely different life in a completely different state.
Our divorce papers said we have irreconcilable differences, but I don't really know what you call it when you decide it's in another person's best interest if you leave. I guess I finally figured out I couldn't fix him or help him. Things hadn't been right in our marriage for a long time. Two years ago, when we'd been married for four nearly five years, he lost his job. When it comes right down to it, I think men have to work. I tried to be supportive and was able through my job to take care of all our bills. At first he looked for another job, then he wanted to go to school. Since he didn't have a degree and had never had the chance, I fully consented. I would work and he would go to school. But he didn't stay in school. He completed a quarter then dropped out of the next two. I tried to put my foot down- you have to do something, I told him. Either school or work, but you cannot (at 30 years old!) just sit around and do nothing. I'm on in my mid-twenties. It seemed he was aflicted by the peter-pan syndrome that hits men of my generation.
I found myself resenting him, nearly hating the person I had adored for so long. He was lazy. He didn't clean or make dinner or take care of laundry. And he was depressed. He didn't want to have friends over or for us to go anywhere. He stopped laughing. Stopped having fun. I did everything I could think of to get him to do things, to help him, just to make him react. I never wanted a divorce, I don't want it now, but that's what I've got. He was so unhappy. The turning point was when he went to visit his family - some distance away- and also visited an ex-girlfriend and her family. Probably nothing happened, at least that's what I like to think. But he lied about it. That was enough. I asked him to leave and I filed for divorce.
Things seemed to look up, for a while. He found a place to stay, he got a job. He was coming around and bringing me flowers and professing his love. But I wasn't sure it would last. I also wanted to protect myself financially so I went through with the divorce, just days shy of our 7th anniversary. And then he stopped calling and stopped coming over. And then I moved, to a different state. My heart is still his. I worry about him and think about him and love him. I know I had to step out of the picture for him to figure things out and grow up and, apparantly, be happy. It's hard though. I know I did the right thing but ... I feel like I've lost everything. My dreams, my hopes, my future. We didn't have children, but I wanted them. Sometimes doing the best thing for someone hurts you far worse then they realize.
All is gone after 6 years - U and M - - Sep 8th 2010
All is gone. I did everything i could. But I had never been a lucky person in my life for a day - undesirable things happened. I am poor and could not support her no matter how hard I tried, how long I worked, how nice I became.
I was left with nothing except for a car that faces repossession, my old clothes and my audio gear that I use for work; I shifted back to my parents' place after living apart from them for 6 long years. We were together for 8. I gave her the house, our dog, and everything else we had. The last month we were together, she told me that she WILL divorce me in due course because of the fact that I am a useless pile of mud that cannot guarantee her happiness in life and cannot provide her a bright future to look forward to.
I did not eat, I could not sleep. I weep in bed every night hoping this did not happen and that it was all a dream. I indulged heavily in alcohol and soft drugs to get me through the day. I did not want to talk, I did not want to see my friends or anyone. I did not want to work. I did not want to go on living.
Life just turned very very sour.
Then, I searched my soul. I dug deep within myself. I realized my family loved me no matter what happened to me or how unsuccessful I am in life. I realized I was wanting to have a good marriage too much - I wanted to hold her hand till we both have white hair on our heads. I realized.. I was becoming more and more of a person whom I was not before. I was turning into a demon. And I realized it had to end.
I picked up myself from the floor, I told myself, I am not dirt. I breathed deeply whenever I get panic attacks. I looked at topics with 'her' in it, right in the eye - and I forced myself to embrace who i am.
I may have nothing now materialistically. But I have found my soul. I have found my religion. I have discovered the way back to whom I was, as a child, talking to my own soul and spirit. I am me again.
Time can be your enemy, but time can also be a friend. Start over, my friend. It is ok. It is ok to be a failure. To make mistakes.
Start over anew. Do not look back - do not question what went wrong, or how you could have turned it around. For when you have searched your soul, you will know too that it cannot be done.
My empathy goes out to all sharing their grief here. Let yourself be happy again. Start over, and enjoy again. Smell the grass, feel the early morning dew, and breathe the cool night breeze.
I am with you here.
So Much Pain - Nicole - Sep 4th 2010
It feels so weird to be writing this right now. I just got married to my husband about 6 weeks ago, after 8 happy years together. Everything was just fine, and then his father passed away after a long bout with illness. He was 87 years old and it wasn't exactly unexpected, but I understand that doesn't matter. Pain is pain, and the loss of a parent is difficult no matter how much warning you are given.
His father passed away just a few weeks ago, and almost immediately his demeanor changed. He became withdrawn towards me, but started reaching out to everybody else, flirting with my friends, and talking about separation. We currently live in Seattle, but he quit his job and is planning on moving back to his hometown in upstate NY in a few weeks. It's supposed to be temporary, but it's a one-way ticket and is saying he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me. He may end up wanting something "different", as he puts it. I'm also fairly certain he has been texting/talking to other girls. He won't tell me, and lied about it when I physically saw texts from other girls on his phone. I don't know what to do.
I realize grief makes people do stupid things, and part of me just wants to stand back and let him get over this. But most of me wants to fight. I don't want to let my marriage slip away, and not fight for the best thing that ever happened to me. I think me holding on so tightly is just making him want to slip further away from me, but I don't know how to let go at this point. I'm afraid if I don't fight for this, he is going to do something stupid while grieving that puts a definite end to our marriage. I feel crushed, like my entire world is falling away from me. Most of the time, I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
My Story - Vanna - Sep 2nd 2010
Been together for 8 years and married for 7 years - no kids (thank goodness). I know the typical blame the other person for their problems is the norm. I'm not going to place blame here.
We didn't work out.
The kicker - instead of filing for divorce he decided to go back to his ex wife without tell me. Even right now - he's playing the "I love you and let's work things out" game until he graduates from school. He needs me to pay the bills til he can graduate and move out of state.
Well, message to "Mr Wrong" - you aren't going to use me - I'm moving out within 30 days.
Oh! I just realized - he will be leaving the state I now live in when he graduates - no chance of running in to him - that'll be great!!
Ok - so I'm still in the house - preparing to leave - it's a sad time. All our future dreams together have ended. I look forward to meeting my "mr right" and starting fresh. Most of the time I am actually happy - but once in a while I get teary eyed because I'll be leaving a couple of dogs behind and I'll never get to shop in the new Superwalmart being built.
I can't wait until I move on to my next adventure!
Good luck to you all! There is a brighter future for all of us.
wanting my heart to stop hurting. - Pat - Sep 2nd 2010
I was married for 23 years, my husband who was at time manic says he wants to separate to grow up and make sure this is what he wants. by the way he is 60 years old. After separating I checked his cell phone usage and found he was having an affair with a mutual friend and someone who worked in the office with us. Yes we had started working together 2 yrs prior as RE agents. I filed for divorce and he has fought me ever since. He has been living with her since last november our wedding anniversary. but begs me not to get a divorce he wants to work things out. I was ready to move on, the profound sadness is my feeling to try and shake. but with his coming back has opened up old wounds. Finally I put a stop to his calling and said goodbye. next day he has a heart attack. He is fine now but she said I have nerve going to see him especially after what I put him thru. HUH I guess she didn't have nerve sleeping with my husband. He was married before and so was I. He had 3 children and I had 1. His children are married have 8 grandchildren. Emotionally I haven't been able to keep in contact with them. It is so hard to see them takes me weeks to get over the visit. I was the one who babysat and talked. He didn't have time. I left last march 09 before that he had threatened me with physical harm, screeming telling me I had to leave my dream home, which has since been sold this past may 2010. rear ended my car because he wanted to hurt me. so I left for my own safety. Of course now he says it was alcohol that made him do it. I am out of work, couldn't go back to the office with the 2 of them there. Nothing done by broker since affair was going on at the front desk she the night time receptionist. Feel so betrayed in so many ways. But our friends have rallied around me and cut him off. the other reason he wants to work things out, I take him back everything will be the same as it was. NOT! He just doesn't get the pain he has caused me, my family, his family and our friends. After 23 years.
peace and strength to us all - - Aug 22nd 2010
I moved out in Jan 2010 after 7 years of living together, no marriage. No kids. I have some major health issues..chronic lyme disease that got much worse a couple of years before we split. Exhaustive fatigue is the worst symtpom. We were up and down, both with illnesses during out 7 years. I often wanted to leave but didn't. He has a mild manic/depressive condition that I think really was a problem that we didn't look at straight on. He'd get spacey and vulnerable and was afraid of not making enough money. Very insecure. Then it would shift and he would be stronger and secure. I then I'd assume he was better and would always be like that. this just went on an on. I didn't have skills to talk about it well. He didn't want to admit he had that problem, although it was diagnosed. Finally tried to get him to go to counseling with me and he wouldn't. I got much sicker and really needed some help last year and he wasn't there for me emotionally at all. Finally I realized I could not get better in that environment and left. Then he seemed to want to still date me! Now I just ran into him with a woman he has been seeing and it hurt so much. Even though I feel we should not be together. I just feel so lonely and scared and worried about my health and my family is also ill/elderly or in financially terrible conditions. I am the backbone of my family and I need a support system! Bleah...thanks for listening anyone. It is helpful to read other stories and realize this loneliness and vulnerability is normal. God bless you all.
Another Chapter - Paula - Aug 15th 2010
I'm happy I found this site....I want to post to everyone but I'd like to comment to "Sally" who posted July 1. Wow! You wrote w/such honesty. It hit me to my core as I have lost some friends during this process of breaking up/divorce. Im not sure if they just dont want to hear it....or are afraid I might ask for financial help....or just dont want to be around the negativity. I'm ok w/it now....life has changed for me and I have gone to hell and back on this emotional rollercoaster. I havent been getting together w/the friends who have stuck it out w/me because I feel I have to put on a happy face....and thats not me right now. So, I dont meet them. When I pretend to be happy I feel awkward and although in the past it has helped, the situation right now is so intense....I have to just ride it out,go thru the emotions and wait for better days. Thats the only way thru this....I have attended support groups, purchased books and because of my strong faith, lots of prayer. There is no magic fix....and some days I really hate it. I hate feeling less than, pushed away, depressed, deflated and like I cant go thru another day.....but I do. Life isn't over....and one day happiness will come knocking as it will for all of you who are suffering right now.
living a double life - - Aug 4th 2010
i dated my husband for 5 years. we have a 8 month old baby together and got married in january of 2010. now here i am, in august getting divorced. we had our problems and mainly because he had his. he is manic bipolar and suffers from depression. also, an addict.
i did anything and everything to make us work and would've given the world for him. i woke up on a wednesday morning with a happy family, and went to bed that night with a broken home. since we broke up he got a girlfriend after a week, i found out that he was doing morphine patches w my daughter was 2 weeks old. and since then has done oxi's and smoke crack. a few months ago my landlord knocked on my door telling us to get out because we hadnt paid rent, i had no idea and instantly started crying. my husband had gambled away the rent money. but i wanted to work through it. i didnt trust him but we had a family together. one day he didnt come home and it was the last straw. i told him i wasn't going to be his doormat anymore and it hasnt been long enough for me to even begin a grieving process, but i know already it was the best decision ive ever made.
i am 19 years old and a single parent. he spends his night at the bar his girlfriend works at and i spend mine taking care of my daughter. he doesn't see her or pay support. but i know that my daughter and i will be happy just knowing that he can't hurt us anymore
How to label this emotion - Confused - Jul 19th 2010
I got married in 2005 with my boyfriend whom i went out with for 3 years. after 1 and a half years of marriage all fell apart. i found out he was a paedophile and i got separated. at the same time i met someone and later on fell in love with him. he is a wonderful guy who loves me like crazy. but i couldnt, still now gather up the courage or strength to divorce my husband as i still feel confused about what to do. what do i call this weird feeling? i know i cant live with him bt at the same time i feel terrible about divorcing him. i love the man i am involved with right now. please help and suggest.
Unrealized dreams - - Jul 10th 2010
I have been married to my husband for 3 years. We have definitely gone through some rough times, mainly connected to his drinking, but I thought that would change. Often, he would choose spending time with friends (out late, sleeping at their houses/apartments) over coming home to me. It hurt my feelings to say the least, especially because I voiced my feelings regarding the situation, to be met with apologies and promises that it wouldn't happen again. His drinking slowed down somewhat, however, over the past year, he has received 2 DUIs and lost his license for a year. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and when you can't totally depend/rely on the other person, it is hard to keep it going in balanced. Needless to say I was working 1 full-time and 2 part-time jobs to support us while he was working on his education. I feel like I want to move on with my life and his actions of disregard are hindering that. It is just hard to lose someone who you have had good times and memories with and walk off to an uncertain future ahead.
looking for advice - Sally - Jul 1st 2010
I'm 30. Was with my ex since I was 18. Have gone from the most happy person alive to the most miserable. Never thought this would be possible for me given my typically optimistic outlook on life. Not sure where to go from here. It's been just over a year. I left, things weren't 'right' between us. Felt as though I'd gotten closure before I actually left. Have been quite surprised by the fact that I wasn't very emotionally prepared for the fallout. Seem to wax and wane in and out of some semblance of emotional stability but often have feeling of sheer terror believing I'll be imprisioned by my feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, lethargy and pessimism forever. Realise I am depressed but am not sure how to move myself out of this stage. Friends seem sparse and I feel like a burden to the couple who have chosen to stick around. Feel like a failure given I can't seem to shake myself out of this hole of unhappiness and thought I was much more resilient. Wallowing in self-pity but when I try to move on I feel fradulent. Wonder if I'll ever be my old self as I wish desperately to be me again. Feel relieved that others feel similarly and wish there was more open discussion of these types of feelings in the 'real' world. Feeling like you have to hide your feelings makes you feel so isolated and abnormal. Having people tell you to 'get over it' makes you feel so incompetent. Hope you all find your way through this painful experience. Would appreciate posters discussing what really got them through this time.
left me for another man - Frank Misa - Jun 12th 2010
I was married 5 years ago. Left for studies to the US. Within 6 month she hooked up with this married man. I had began to file paperwork for her to join me in the US. I then cancelled the process. They have a baby girl born almostr two years ago. I have tried to get a divorce but very difficult as the last time I travelled to Kenya for the divorce, the Judge had a committment out of the country. It is damn expensive, I can not be able to visit soon due to the nature of my job. My lawyer tells me that for the divorce to be nullified bothe parties have to be there. My question is? Is there a way a laywer can represent you in a divorce case when you give him the authority to do so. I need help. They are enjoying their good time while am left pondering what became of me.
just plain scared - joe - Jun 9th 2010
Since my wife left me for reasons i dont understand, (woke up claiming to be unhappy) I am still struggling inside.
I have 2 beautiful boys 4 and 7. Found out she had an affair and forged credit cards in my name that I have been responsible to pay off.
2 years have gone by and now we are divorced. Despite all her actions and my financial losses; I still love her.
We communicate well for our children.
I just want to be happy again but I don't see this ever happening.
My Heart goes out to all of you because, I know your pain...
I must live for my 2 boys and be the father they need!
No Morals or Conscience..... Wife w/ a Tryst - Dave P. - Jun 7th 2010
My world ceased to be on the morning on 5/3/10 when I came back home unexpettedly to find my wife of 6+ years having a affair w/ the same someone in 2005. Of which she begged and pleaded for forgiveness and I relunctly did so for the chidren........ I make over %80 of the incoume for the family and all credit is mine (hers is terrible) including the house cars, bikes, boats. Long story short I am homeless at times and this guy movesinto my house on 5/5/10 and cannot get anything done fast enough to remove him short of well you know.I am devasted to say the least and seaking meds and counseling for the nightmare that was unwarantedI cry out for my children and know one seems to hear my calls to save them from this terrible environment. I always wanted the lifelong commitment w/ just one woman, so that we could push each other around in wheel chairs..... SOUL MATES FOREVER,,,,,, I want all of this behind and my children so quickly~
What I never wanted to happen has happened..... - Kelly - May 27th 2010
My husband and I will be married for 9 years this June 15th. We have been together for 11 years. We did a trial separation last year around this same time for 3 months and decided we loved each other and wanted to try to make it work. The main issue is my husband is a very lost soul and says he is just a generally unhappy person and needs to "find himself". He says he loves me and cares about me so much that he does not want to drag me along in his uncertainty in life and loves me enough to let me go. We were going to do a legal separation but have recently decided to divorce. The idea of 6 months or so of not knowing what might happen I think would be unfair to both of us. I feel schizophrenic going through all of these emotions from acceptance, to denial, to fear back to acceptance, to how can this be and back again. Luckily we do not have children and only have a house to contend with. I think I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that welove and respect each other but we are parting. I always thought divorce was for people who hated each other. Guess I was wrong.
Heartbroken, Alone and pregnant - - May 26th 2010
After reading all the comments I know there is hope for a great outcome after all the emotional turmoil dies down.
I have been married for 2 1/2 years and together with my husband for about 7 1/2 in total. We got together when we were both 18, had a child really early into the relationship and starting playing house at a really young age. Our relationship started off on the wrong foot, boundaries for respect were never set and we never really appreciated eachother. There was some emotional abuse in our relationship that has broken me into this sad puppy. He recently told me he wasnt in love with me anymore and he wants a divorce. He left the house and 2 days after he left I find out I am pregnant with our second child. I have tried to talk him into not losing hope and making this work for ourselves and the family we have together. He wont budge and I recently found out he's been seeing someone at his job ever since he left. I am totally heartbroken and devastated, maybe its because I am pregnant but I feel like crumpling over and giving up. He is getting the divorce papers started and we should be divorced in the next couple of months. The fact that I have to continue seeing him (almost everyday) becuase of our son is making this So much harder on me. I am about 4 months pregnant at the moment and the depression is taking over, i cant eat, sleep, work, function and I am losing it little by little. I want to give this to God and have him take my back and fight this fight for me, but I dont know how/where to start. I have a very supportive family that will help me get through this tough time but I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love him and dont want this to be over, but I cant do it alone. In the next couple of months I will be a 25 yr old divorcee with 2 children but God has my back and I have to get through this!!!!
Your prayers in this tough time is greatly appreciated.
Never thought it would happen to me. - Sue - May 23rd 2010
I was married 27 years just finished building our dream home we had moved away from other location after living there 20 years. I have to son's married and a grand daughter.Five months into our new home he started saying he needed space. Then we went to counseling I was trying every thing to keep my marraige together.He was going threw change of life new corvette, new clothes, started drinking every night staying out to 2 and 3 every night.I was devasted and lonely , scared and afraid, I had not worked in years my life was my children and husband. He was having affair with his sectary and she filed for divorce same time he did.Things got bad for a while I started having panic attacks lost 50 pounds I was in really bad shape. Its been 3 years of battling and he still starts stuff with me.But next weekend he is marrying a differet girl that is 26 years old and a 4 year old boy and he is now 50 years old.I am really having a hard time with this she is the age of one of my son's. My son's are also having issues with this. I am still going to counseling and on medcation for my anxiety and attacks come and go, been in hospital 4 times in 3 years.Hard to get job when I have very little skills plus my age. I never thought in my whole life this would ever happen to me.Any suggestion would help. Thank you
What's the point? - - May 22nd 2010
It's been 30 years ... wow... I can't believe that. 30 years and 4 children. I feel pretty pathetic to tell you the truth. I put up with his insanity for all these years. At this point I think I'm more angry with myself than with him. He is what he is. No hiding it. He's all about himself, what he can get and gain. The world revolves around him. I'm so angry at myself!!
struggling through divorce - hittinglows - May 20th 2010
I am recently divorced from my wife. One of the hardest aspects is seeing my wife when she doesn't have a heart for me (her reality for a number of months). Without love we are very self protective beings and this can cause a lot of hurt. We have kids and they are a source of much joy - I have then every week on weekends. I see from the stories that many of us have a shared experience and I find it really sad that so many of us go through this. Knowing the symptoms of depression I know that I am currently depressed (no motivation and tired - life has been sucked out of me). I do think men hurt as much as woman - we are all emotional people - perhaps men feel the need to mask it more? Anyway, from my side, doing depression is not going to be easy but I am hoping the far side brings much brightness and colour. I believe that to a degree the choices I make along the way will influence the degree to which that is true. I come out owning nothing and carrying a lot of debt. God, please help me.
A choice between losing my sanity and keeping my integrity... - SEO - May 17th 2010
At the beginning, I had the most wonderful and happy marriage. Later my mother-in-law started steam-rolling me with expectations, saying strange things like "Is this what you feed my son?" and before you know it, I was married to my mother-in-law instead of my husband. I walked out after 6 years of a promising partnership, because I couldn't throw away my integrity to play theatre for a mother-in-law who revels in fake niceties and a husband who increasingly developed "You'll do it if you love me." stance.
Now, there's no hope for reconciliation and it is the end of my fairy tale.
Never though I'd say it, "I'm getting a Divorce" - - May 15th 2010
I really thought divorce happened to other people....my husband and I talked all the time about how lucky were were and it was "too bad" so & so were getting divorced.....well, here I am 1/2 of the so & so we always talked about. We celebrated our 10th anniversary last year....I can honestly say, the first 8 1/2 years were pretty good years....the last year or so we drifted apart and were polite roommates. I remember thinking....there is no way I can live another year like this last one....he felt the same way. We did try counseling but decided it would be best to go our separate ways. Now we each have a lawyer and are in the discovery process of the divorce.....I can see why some people at this point decide to pack up and say "See ya". I believe God has good things in store for each of us and I know I was not happy with the way things were but boy when they say you have good days and bad days...they were right....on those bad days I feel like I am an autopilot living someone else's life....
Time heals everything is not working - - Apr 24th 2010
My husband, whom I had a relationship with for 10 years, married for three left in November and refused counseling to work out our problems. Today, I received a joint settlement agreement for divorce from his attorney. Ironically, he signed the paperwork on my son's birthday (4-22) and had them delivered to me the day before my birthday (4-23). Well Happy Birthday to me. What a blow. I have had ups and downs (mostly downs) since he left. I went from a size 10 to size 4. I am almost 5 foot 8. I was so depressed and all I could do was work and go to bed. I had no desire to eat. Finally, I started eating again and today was a huge set back for me. I pray that God will see me through this because the pain is difficult. My family is non-supportive. I only have a couple friends who seem to truly care the pain I am suffering. I know I made mistakes, but no one is perfect.
i will make it - - Apr 21st 2010
reading everythiing you all have been through makes me realize i will make it. i have great friends and family behind me it just hurts i have been with my husband well i guess ex for 10 years since i was 19 we have 2 kids 7 and 4.5. i'm just so scared because i feel like my dream has crashed down. all i ever wanted to be was awife and mother and i feel like i falled but like most of you my spouse wasn't willing to make sacerfices and was very selfish and also has a drinking problem and i always made excuses for his actions.
devastated......................... - Angie - Apr 14th 2010
my husband of 10 years (together for 15) has told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore - he is not willing to try counselling (although we have tried it before) and wants me to understand and move on. I am completely devastated and can't stop crying. i knew things were difficult between us and we have lived seperately for nearly a year - with a view to sort out our problems and get back together. whilst recently on a weekend away together he said he just wanted to be friends. i feel like hes lead me on.....i always thought and had the faith that we could get past our problems and i never expected him to do this......so final. i feel like i can't move on and although i have read many things to say these bad feelings will pass i'm unable to find any comfort.
Moving foward - Denell - Apr 13th 2010
Reading the comments here allow me to see that Im not alone. I found out 3 days after my 7th year wedding anniversary that the mother of my kids was cheating on me. To make a long story short, bascially I took the blame, we got back to gether and over the course we went to counseling, but the thing was our problems were regular marital problems, that could have been worked through and in the end i found out I was the only one who wanted the marriage. We had been together since highschool. I don't understand why this is happening to so many people but I do know that God is God. My emotions have been on a roller coaster, cause like so many say it is a death going through divorce. I am now in control of my emotions and still have the not so good days, but one thing I have decided to do is lean on God. I know a lot of people say that but when you do that He will bring people in your life who can help you get through this time. Yes it is hard, yes you will cry, yes you will be angry, and yes you will smile again. Just like winter comes and goes so will this, You can make it through, I was once at a point where I didn't think I would and God brought people in my life to help me. Yes he or she cheated on you, yes they broke the vows, and yes they broke your heart, but Jesus says He has come to heal the broken hearted. What done has been done. You can still have a bright future, but its up to you. Don't allow the one whom hurt you to continue to hurt you. You can win in life. This is just a set back for a setup. God Bless You!! Someone whom is going through the same thing!!
Divorce is not the end, it's a new beginning - FreeJack - Apr 13th 2010
I read a common theme among a lot of the people who've posted here and it's fear of the unknown. I've had six months of separation from my wife (we filed in January) and I can tell you that getting back out on my own has helped my mindset immensely...but I know the fear that people so often describe, very well. It's a trap, though. Trust me, your life will improve by leaps and bounds, if you allow yourself to make a change.
If you are one of the people who is in a loveless and unhappy marriage that cannot be salvaged (and you can only determine that by being very honest with yourself), believe me...there IS light at the end of this tunnel. It may take time and the journey will not be smooth, but it's there. I felt the lowest of lows through this process of letting go emotionally and physically, watching what I thought was my future evaporate. Now, though, I realize that my future is yet to be decided. I choose to face the uncertain future with hope, now...knowing that I'm not locked into a situation in which I cannot be happy, anymore.
lost my best fried - Sherry - Apr 10th 2010
I have been married to the same man for what would have been 23 years in May. We have had a rocky marriage the entire time but i never gave up hope that his drinking would one day stop...It didn't stop.. when he got a better job making more money he moved out after a bad argument of him not coming home until late every night. I have no family in Florida, never had children therefore i am all alone.. I feel like he was my best friend because when times were good they were really good, i will miss the flowers on my birthday and anniversay, his touch, his smile.. I will be leaving Florida and headed back north to be with my brothers and giving up everything. My life will be starting over and i am devestated.
My long story short....... - Carmela - Apr 6th 2010
I met my husband 8 yrs ago and we will be married for 5 yrs this May. I'm 41 yrs old and we do not have children or a house to fight over. We had a wonderful relationship and he was a great husband. He had a bad childhood while coming of age and he cherished my family because he finally had one to call his own. I've been told that meeting me changed him for the better and honestly he really was a good husband.
Seventeen months ago my husband became addicted to drugs and he walked out on me. We were fighting a few months prior because of his addiction to perscription drugs. I couldn't afford to live comfotably in our high end apartment so I moved in with my parents. We've talked everyday for the last 17 mo like we are a couple in a long distance relationship. I chose not to give up in hopes that he would go into recovery. Since then he has hit rock bottom several times and he is facing jail time for assault of a police officer and DUI. But still I stood by him via telephone. He has been leading me on all this time accept for two weeks last fall when he was unfaithful to me. We are not legally seperated and we promise eachother that we are committed, again via telephone. I'm sure there have been others but not for me because I wouldn't dream of it. I have myself convinced that it is because of his addiction and that none of it is his fault. I am somewhat conservative and I come from a straight laced family. My family is totally against a reunion for us. I told my husband if he recovers that I would choose him over my family if they wouldn't come around.
Last month he went into rehab and he stayed in for thirty days. He relapsed three days after he came out and he is living with his mother. He claims that it was only one time but I think something is off about him. It seems like he does everything I wouldn't approve of him doing. He got a Tattoo sleeve on his whole arm of a nude mermaid. I'm not a prude and it nice looking but it's not kid friendly and I am very family oriented. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. He actually gave me an ultimatum to move in with him immediately or he has to give up. He goes to meetings everynight and then he goes out with the group after. I have a problem with him spending time with other women because I guess I'm insecure. He doesn't answer the phone until he gets home usually after midnight. He blames the fact that we are still apart on me. But how can I just up and move when he is still unstable. We are actually both currently laid off so I wanted to wait until we get new jobs.
The reason I am posting is because I am emotionally drained. The depression is getting worse and I cry all the time. I only participate in family social events. All my friends are married and I feel so alone. I feel like I wasted 8 yrs of my life because now I probably will not have children because of my age and I just feel old.
I feel like I can't let go of him. I feel like, "this is who I love this is who I had a beautiful life with and that is who I want to be with". But the addiction changed him because the man I knew is gone.
I literally can't see myself in the future. I don't know how to be myself again instead of Dennis's wife. People always say I'm lucky because we have no children, no house and only eight years to let go of but I don't see it that way.
I f anyone has any constructive critisicm, advice, etc..feel free to drop me a line.
Thanks for listening.
NIGHTMARE - - Mar 23rd 2010
I was married when I was 18. From the first year we were married my husband started cheating on me. I didn't know how bad it was until 10 years into it he came and told me the things he had been doing. Even with my babysitter. After he told me that evening he went in and went to bed and left me there with all that in my mind to deal and cope with. It was very hard. I lasted 25 years with him and then finally divorced him. I remarried a man who came into my life and made all kinds of promises and never kept them. Only a month into the marraige things started happening and he had an enourmous debt that we paid in that three years. He started telling my family I was sick and needed to be in the hospital and be on medication and that is exacltey what he told me he did to he first wife. I was devasted and I filed for divorce. He threatened to take everything I had ....Not like he already and drained everything from me with his large debt. I am losing the house i've lived in for 30 years becasue of him. He put me in more debt then I have been in the total 25 years I was married. When I married him I had no debt. I left my ex husband with no debt. All I had was my home and he insisted on putting his name on it in pretense of helping me. Not a month went by after his name was on the house and he went and got a home equity loan to pay off his credit card from his divorce and his lawyer. I found out he had 30,000.00 worth of back taxes after we were married. When we went through the divorce my lawyer was stupid and didn't help me at all. He has financial devasted me and said things to my family and friends. He lied in court to get what he wanted. He told me before he left the house....Life is a game. You do everything you can to win and when you don't win you cut your losses and run. And that is exacltey what he did. He has tried to turn my family against me. I had to put a restraining order on him because he wouldn't stop calling me. At work at home on my cell phone....I have the records to proove the harrassment. There are phone calls to the same number sometimes 3 charged in the same minute! So in 4 years I have gone through 2 very hard divorces and family problems and I am struggling. I still have a 15 year old daughter that I am trying to take care of. I am loosing my home. This has been a nightmare and I don't know when it will end.
I will make it. - REM2010 - Mar 17th 2010
Been married for 10 years together for 20. Im a successfull person with a 6 figure income. Both my wife and I had affairs in the marriage. I have been affair free for 9 years. But she continues along with it. Tons of male "friends" most of them kept a secret from me. She claims she is not seeing any of them romantically. But I am no dope. I can only surmise that I need to divorce her. She has been hanging around with this loser of a guy. Thinks he is some sort of deep individual. But from what I can see he is nothing more then a bum and facebook predator. He makes a third of what I do. Has 2 kids with 2 different women who suck his meager earnings from him in child support. But yet he has my wifes undivided attention. She thinks he is soooo great. To top it all off he lives with another woman who is supprting his deadbeat ass. My wife claims that he is only a friend. But I think otherwise. Im gonna have to hire a PI to get proof. But either way she has emotionally checked out of our marraige. Maybe I should just divorce and move on. Im pretty depressed about this whole thing.
My story - kerry-jane crawley - Mar 3rd 2010
Well!!! you just feel you are the only one in the world.We all have choices and I know I made some bad choices and I live to regret.I never listen to God just jumped feet first........I am tall slim blonde blue eye and 5'8" and English and I moved here 18 months ago, I live in sunny Florida U.S.A ...My life all went wrong 10 years ago when I lost my children father to Cancer leaving me with Edward 7 and Yasmine 4 he was my best friend, lover and a wonderful husband.After 5 year on my own, I remarried to a gentleman with wealth he was kind and loving and he seemed to love my children.No sooner we got married while still on our honeymoon he told me he whated a divorce I really couldn't understand this.When I arrived home upset, distressed sick with worry the mail was waiting for me on the door step,..love letter and photograph's hotel bills restaurant bill..table for two,he was still dating his ex- girlfriend and many other women that he paid for. I was just the trophy wife!! The marriage lasted ten month and in those ten month he mentally abused me and my children.I was like a little old women, my children kept on saying I what my mummy back.My friend pulled me out of that house and the divorce happen. I found out later he had a police record of physcial abuses behavior with many other women.It took me two years to get over the nightmare.What really hurts, my children witness my bad choice.
You would of thought I would of learnt my lesson by now Oh! know, late 2006 I met a man a christian man a American, working in England with children of his own. He had lost his wife through cancer, so you can see we had alot in common we both went to the same church, our youngest children(both girls )were best friends.We starting dating he never told his girls he kept it quite.I never really questioned him, I thought as long as I was honest with my children it was ok.He ask me to marry him in 2008 I felt very happy and could not see any problems I was so in love with him he was a blessing. At long last I had met someone I could spend the rest of my life with a friend solemate. The English Government ran out of money he had to go back to U.S.A . Well he asked? told me, if I don't go with him the engagement would be off David never believed in oversea relationships.This was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life,my children were settle in a very good private school in Cheltenham I owed my own flat and car I had no debit I had money away for my children education family, friends my support group and I loved the church I went to. We got married in Florida 2008 it was great.I sold my home in England,my car. A new country a new beginning for me and my children scared but good.Within the first month of our marriage I found out he had old debit... house debit,credit card and so on. I put the down deposit for our new home in Florida.I sold my home in England also my car and I paid all the debit off.I never said a word I was very happy, this weight had been lifted from my husband shoulders.I was still happy and execised about our relationship.
April 2009 I notice he was texting a women at work and coming home late sometimes nights, he was working late I believed him.
May he had taken money out of the joint account putting it into another account.
June he changed the joint account to single.
Late june he throw me into a door and now I have lost hearing in my left ear,I never reported it to the police.
July he re-directed the mail.
September a lady knocked at the door and throw me divorce papers and so on......
Today is 3rd March I have no job we still live in the same house he still mentally abuses me... (no longer physcial),he has been worn by the police. I have lost all my money and my health is bad.The house is on the market but the joke, he will get 50 per cent of the deposit I paid for.
Bad Choice again.I love God and I know he will look after me, but I sit in shame for all the wrong choices I have made in the last 10 years.Its funny I still love this man I never thought in my widest dream this would happen.How could anybody take a person with children from her country and strip her of everything.
I could write a book...someday I just sit and cry completely lost in shame.I just look at my two children and they give me strenght..I thank God, I did one thing right and that was a good mother I have always been honest about my faults to them.I just hope and pray the next choice I make will be with Gods grace not mine. God Bless everyone
THE AGONY OF DIVORCE - MB - Feb 19th 2010
I have had close relatives die during my life and it never hurt as much as going through this divorce. My wife of 14 years tried to tell me for many years that I had some major anger issues but I just blew her off saying that she was too sensitive due to growing up with her verbally abusive father. I now know better. Since she asked for the divorce several months back I have finally gone to counseling where I discovered that my minor anger issues are really major ones. I have been addicted to anger most if not all of my life and never believed it because I was denial. The woman that I really loved I treated very badly and I now have to live with that guilt and shame for the rest of my life. She is not willing to try any longer and has been unhappy for most of our marriage. I don't blame her for not wanting to try anymore I am amazed that she stayed as long as she did. We have two children ages 10 and 12 that will have to grow up in a broken home. Not seeing my kids everyday is going to be the hardest part for me. My soon to be ex-wife and I are trying our hardest to remain friendly for the sake of the kids. She is a very good person and is for now willing to let me see the kids as often as I like, which I am very grateful for. Divorce for me has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, pain, anger, fear, resentment, hope, hopelessness, sadness and even discovery of the person that I really am not the one that I thought I was. I really appreciate all the stories. They help me realize that I am not alone in my pain and suffering. For now I am just trying to take one day at a time and work on improving myself as a person, control and be aware of my anger, for my sake and that of my children. God bless everyone going through this painful experience and remember that you are never alone.
encouragement and update - Sharone - Feb 17th 2010
Peace be still....
Be still and know that I am GOD. Psalm 46:10. Throughout my trial and distasteful situation "the divorce”, I had to lean on Jesus, friends, family and colleagues for support and comfort. I thank God that He never leaves me nor forsakes me. I felt setup and had setbacks, however, GOD showed out on my behalf. He will truly fight your battles. He knows the plans that he has for you; there is an expectant end to the pain, sorrow, and heartaches. He is the God of all comfort. I had some financial difficulties but I put my trust in GOD and not my credit score, which affected by the charge-off and vehicle repelvin. Then, I let go and let GOD work out a miracle for me. Since my last comment was on July 3, 2009, I can boldly say that GOD fixed it for me. God gave me a victory inspite of what it look like it. The just shall live by their faith in God, not man or our ex-spouses. I will keep you in my prayers for healing, restoration, peace, and joy in the Lord. Please do not give up or quit. God still works in mysterious way with wonders to perform. KEEP THE FAITH!!!
my story - - Feb 8th 2010
I have been reading some of the posts and decided to share a bit of my story. I say a bit because it's so much I don't know where to start.
I was married for 16 years and have been separated for two. I loved my husband and father of my two girls like I had never had love anyone else. From the begining of our marriage he started being verbally and mentally abusive. I had always dismissed it hoping that he would one day change. He never did, we had a great 7 years where things got better and I couldn't be any happier then he started drinking heavily again and things went down hill. I still remember the day my soul left me. December 6, 2006. We had went to a concert and things just turned out wrong for no reason and he humiliated me infront of my family like never before. That day I died inside and I started withdrawing from him in every sense of the word. I tried to keep it together for my children but couldn't. Needless to say I soon found out he was having an affair with a married woman who was been known to be the towns slut. He spoke of her like he never spoke of me. He knew of her life and he would make excuses for her. It was enough for me. I decided to leave him, he wouldn't accept my decision and would stalk me. I joined the National Guard to get away from him, and he moved out. But when I returned even though he was still seeing this woman he kept showing up at the house without calling. I started having to leave the house on the weekends because he would show up in the middle of the night and would want to stay there. Finally one day I was away with some friends and on my way home he called and said if I wasn't home in 30minutes he would burn all my clothes. I didn't believe he would do it, my two girls were at home and I called my daughter and she told me her father was burning all of my stuff and that she saved what she could. I could not believe that! Needless to say I did not returned home that day afraid of what he might do. I got a protective order against him and he went crazy trying to tell everyone I was at fault for everything that had happened. Even though we were fighting each other more than ever he continued to try to get me back and move in. Part of me still wanted our marriage to work and part of me was dead. I made the mistake one night of having my male friend over, my ex came by the house that night with some friends and broke into the house when he saw my friends car out there. I tried to keep him from coming into the house but he was drunk and druged up he went after my friend and when he couldn't get to him the coward turned on me. He broke my jaw and was on top of me hitting me on the head had it not been for my daughter he would have killed me that day. He left me there on the floor and had the audocity to call my mother and tell her what he did. He told her to check up on me because I was such an overactor. Long story short he went to jail for two weeks and the day he left jail he introduced his family to his new girlfriend not the woman he had an affair with but some other girl that was 17 years younger than him. He was mandated to go to anger management and AA he is going to church and has become to other people what he should have been to us a good man. He now dates a woman who has three kids and treats them better than he does his own children whom he doesn't see because he doesn't have time for them.
Financially it has been hard I had to take a second job and that keeps me from spending time with my girls. I still have so much anger toward him and what he has done to our family. I have many good friends and I know they mean well when they tell me I need to let go of my anger but I just can't. I feel very cheated. He should have been a good person for us not these people who he doesn't share history with. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent yet I keep running away from any posibility of a love life. I'm scared to make the same mistakes and I don't want to feel this pain again.
It's not easy, everyday is a challenge but I'm still here.
Tammi-In Limbo - heartrippedout - Feb 8th 2010
Tammy I so feel your pain, i was the same way in my marriage with my husband I obsessed. I was constantly looking at his emails, phone bill just to get any sort of shred of evidence that my gut was telling me all along. Why did I need to know the truth so bad, my gut was telling me, why didn't I listen?
I constantly thought my husband was having an affair or wanting to, I eventually pushed him away in doing this and was so insecure with myself. He left me in Jan 2010 and my heart is ripped out and so shredded into pieces. I have never felt this kind of hurt in my life. I have thought of suicide, can't really eat, sleep is hard and i have 3 children to look out for, i get so muddled through my thoughts, i find myself just out of it and temporarily out of order. I have a new friend in my life and he is helping me get through this difficult time, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't there to help me.
When me and my husband would separate which was more than about 5 times in the 1 1/2 years we were married, i would be devastated and call him and beg him to come back, this time i didn't and i ended up meeting the guy I am talking to now. My heart is not ready for anything, and this is so far from anything I would ever even contemplate, but he is so understanding that i feel he was sent from heaven, he really is my lifeline. He is available for me all the time every time i call or text or im he is there. So, i feel lucky to have that but i am still in agony, but I know my husband and I probably should have never gotten married from the beginning, and I never wanted to but, i believed that he really loved me.
I am just babbling, i cant' keep my thougths in order so i am just going to say time heals us all it takes one hour a day, one day at a time, to really move on with your new life.
Five years, almost six...gone - FreeJack - Jan 8th 2010
My wife and I got married after dating less than a year. It was love, for both of us...and looking back now, I realize that I ignored a lot of warning signs that we weren't compatable in enough ways to make a marriage work. As the years went on, more and more things just weighed down on the marriage. Mistakes were made by both of us in how we treated each other...but in the end, while I wanted to improve, she saw no need for improvement in herself. The problems were all mine to solve, as far as she was concerned...and she had obviously grown tired of trying to make me into what she wanted.
The process of her emotional and physical withdrawl started last summer, which was painful. I threw myself into relationship books and websites, trying to improve in my treatment of her and mend fences - but of course, her mind had been made up and the fact that she wouldn't do any soul-searching of her own, since she was already perfect to begin with, meant there could never be any healing done between us. We've effectively been separated now for four months or so and in that time, I've come to realize and accept my shortcomings and faults in this marriage. I know what I can do better. I also know that I would have spent another five years suffering, trying to make something work that really, just couldn't have. We wanted different things. We were just too different and we had different expectations.
That didn't stop this from being incredibly hard, emotionally. I cried more and harder than I ever have, in my life. I relied on her, even if things were not always good. She was my wife, my family...I saw my future with her. To have that disappear and to know my fault in it was devastating. The realization that she felt no responsibility for it hurt even more. I had become accustomed to taking blame in our marriage...nothing was ever her fault, therefore it had to be mine. It took my friends and family telling me that it WASN'T all my fault for me to snap out of it and start really thinking about the past five years or so.
In the end, I have come out on the other side of that profound grief with a greater sense of who I am and what I need in a relationship...and a much better preparedness for how to offer more and be better, next time. I have learned my lessons well. Much like the article states, I have spent the last six months focused on self-improvement and reflection...and I plan to take the next year to really work on myself physically and emotionally.
We'll be seeing the mediator soon, to work out the details. It will end amicably, with no malice on either side and in that, I feel grateful. I still love her, even if it isn't in that romantic, butterflies in the stomach way anymore...and even with all the problems we had. I feel sadness and regret, but also realize that the future may yet be bright for me. I have a friend who's been divorced twice, yet when I met she and her new fiancee over the holidays, they were happy as could be and seemed to be just right for each other. Divorce is not the end of the world and I will survive it, fully intact.
I miss the good times with my wife and the connection we once had, but time heals all wounds and we'll both be okay. I pray for the best for her and for myself as we go through this last legal process together, before going our separate ways. I will miss her, but I know she'll still probably always be part of my life.
My failed third third marriage after 25 years - Larry - Jan 3rd 2010
On September 15th I made the decision to leave my wife
of 25 years. She is 9 years younger than myself and a
beautiful women. The problem was that she is co-dependant and was progressively getting worse with
controling everything I did. She was judgemental, resentful and was very angry at me much of the last
10 years. The resentments of the past kept building
to where she would fully resent me for 2 or 3 months at a time. I just could not take it any more and will be divorced on February 5, 2010.
This is a very painful process. This is my third divorce and all three women ended up being very angry and I am
the easiest guy to get along with. My kids and grandchildren all love and respect me, but, my 3 wives
do not.. I am now 61 and have decided to stay single
for the rest of my life and keep my life simple.
The artilces that have been written have been very helpful and I can relate to many of the real life stories.
The following is my advice to you if you are going thru
this terrible time.
A. Keep busy and try and get something accomplished each day.
B. Realize that you are a valuable human being and God
loves you and will take carae of you.
C. If you are in process of divorce try and be respectful
to her or him. Keep conversation and e-mails short
and to the point.
D. Once you have made up your mind stay strong to your decision and do not get weak.
E. Do something special for yourself because you are
special and deserve the best.
F. I have already forgiven my wife in 2.5 months and have wished he happiness in the next chapter of her life.
G. I pray for her and have asked God to forgive me for
leaving her. God is all knowing.
H. Also understand that you will lose some friends. I had
some friends from chruch and they have never contacted me even after writing to them and sending them a Christmas Card. I think some people do not
know what to say. It could be that there marriage could
be close to a divorce.
I. Talk with your close family members for emotional support.
J. With me, my wife did not like my family. I have reconnected with my family and its been so good to
open up to them and start to communicate with them. I lost my wife but I gained my brother and sister.
This being my third wife that I have married and divorced
that the pain will go away and you will start a new life. It
will all work out in the end and you will be a better person for it.
Hi Alyssa - - Dec 19th 2009
I just want to tell you that you were innocent and trusted your husband,but it happens. Your heart was pure, be glad about that and be proud of your self. Its not possible for everyone to be honest and pure.
You can forget him. You will meet new people and may be some one very good. It will take few days to clear all the mess. Just think how beautiful your life can become if you move on. You can and you will.
Past is past, still the future has good things in store. Move on as fast as possible. He did not deserve you.
Some times we will become so selfless that we forget ourselves. Every one needs to take care of themselves.
You can make new friends become closer to your family.
Just stop wasting your precious time thinking about him.
devastated and disappointed - alyssa - Dec 17th 2009
I just don't know how things got so twisted and sad. But there was always emotional, mental and physical abuse. I had believed it was my duty to endure and just accepted it as a way of life. We were together 16 years and married 11 of them this week. There was a major affair, him, right when we were married and I was hospitalized and lost our baby. I was broken, and I beared the pain, because when I confronted him I got a beating, I blamed myself, I was naive, what did I do to make him cheat...The lies continued for a while and then the truth became blurred. He withheld sex and blamed me for it. So I carried that burden as well. He moved us alot was careless with everything, nothing ever meant anything to him, a few of his things, but nothing was ever sentimental. As the years went of the abuse grew, the walls became thicker, on both sides. The pain took me over. I'd always find things, whenever I confronted him, I got a beating emotionally and physically, I carried so much pain, his and mine, I was hurting my self with food, self abuse physical and mental, I could only say I want to die- because the pain was so overwhelming. In between there would be moments, but ever since we met, he was so selfish, and I could tell you just by looking today he doesn't love me. But when he did, he totally did, but then he'd add his ultimatums or insults. He would tell me I was crazy and I make things up and I don't know what I'm talking about, slowly stripping away at who I was.....Now I'm smart, but not when it came to him...Then the I don't love you started, and I'm leaving you, usually on or around my birthday, every year. there was always something I'd find, just so many secrets. But he'd was crafty, always convincing me I was crazy or beating me where I felt like the guilty one. He'd say I played games or nothing is good enough. I did so much for him, kept his house clean made his meals took care of every need, every want. But I didn't get responses, he was so checked out. I'd call it, and that would never go over well, Why I was under his spell I have no idea. We were isolated, he moved me away from my friends (which he had issues with everyone) he moved me away from my family, then I isolated myself, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. I became a recluse, he kept bringing home dogs for me to care for. I became overwhelmed, trapped and was now recognizing how scared I was. I became sick and he didn't care for me, I had alot of time to think. Only it took me a while for the thougts to materialize. I worked, so hard, for him, and did nothing for myself. I sacrificed, went without and put myself last in everyway. He started traveling, and I was relived when he left, alone but relived. Then his behavior became peculiar, and when someone is around 60 days a year you notice....I began to look at myself in the mirror, I recognized that I was sad, unhappy, and made so many mistakes.....But I hung on trying to get him to love me, shameless now.....But when he was around I began to wither away more...Then the divorce thing came, in a text, yes a 43 year old texted me it was over while he was on a business trip. It was odd and strange and once again the pain and devastation settled in, then the crazy emotions....Then he came home. I sat down to talk mentioned the divorce and he dismissed it, but never acknowledged it. Ahhhh more games... This time I wasn't really in the mood to play. I thought I observed, then he started suprising me at work, then we went our for dinner, I mentioned the divorce, I cried, I asked, he dismissed me....We went for dinner, it was awkward, but none the less, he was leaving for a month soon, and our anniversary was coming, and he admired this painting the restaurant had on the wall. I excused myself to the ladies room and bought the painting off the wall for him, (on my birthday) the waiter brought it over and he had no reaction, none, no gestures, he was just blank and it wasn't surprise. He couldn't even say thank you until I asked for it.....Ugh, that's been our lives, my life, my settling, my stupidity. So he left, he returned and his behavior was just different, disturbing, It really was more off than usuall. We had Thanksgiving and then he was off on a trip for a month. He left, I hacked his email and well lets say his newest sexuall activities are a 3 ring circus. Well the last 18 days are hell, doctors, our cars were broken into, where the little robber left his papers all over, with the attorney notes, then just one thing after another. So I borrowed money from my parents (yes, they have been bailing out me, for 15 years, because my husband is a selfish overgrown child). Sold some things, while they were still communal property, and filed for divorce. Ahh but then he calls convinces me to drop the protective order, which I do, then the bastard cuts off all funds...Mind you I'm off work on vacation for a month (school) I have five dogs and my parents and family reside thousands of miles away, I have noone because Ive become the embarrased recluse...So here I am, alone scared, I knew what I could get him to agree to pay, temporarily until mediation, so I did it. But he comes home in a few days, yes home part of the agreement was because I need to finish my job, he'll be around 30 days until then...and save money, every conversation leads to a fight. how can I possibly stop obssessing, deal with the pain, move foward and have to see him.??? how in the world does life get so messy and sad and confusing.Yes the marriage was disctructive, disfunctional and unhealthy, but it was all I knew for 16 years. I'm just operating at maximum capacity. I feel so broken. I wonder what's next. I'm afraid, but no longer scared....but then part of me thinks, ahhhh his plan worked I have cleaned up, picked up every broken piece in his life, just did all the work, willingly, obiently, and now I'm doing this while he's traveling, and extendedly and I'm alone stuck here taking care of the dogs....i cry but noone hear.
My story - - Dec 6th 2009
I am writing today to share my story in hopes of helping others out there. My story is that I married my high school sweetheart after dating him for 12 years. We married in our late 20's with the thought that we were almost finished with our education and that we could focus on building our family when he each hit 30. My husband always wanted a large family, at least 5 kids he would tell people. I'm an only child so having 1 was going to be pretty life changing.
So we had our first child in 2000 and it was so life changing that I thought I would never let my husband touch me again. I carried my son for 42 weeks and could never imagine the effects of labor and delivery. I breast-fed my son for 1 year. So during that year and actually prior to the birth of our son my husband has indicated that I started pushing him away and that he didn't feel loved.
So to make a long story short, we now have 3 kids and my husband has filed for divorce because he has been having an affair with a 49-50 year old woman who is a grandmother with a high school diploma that worked for him in a previous job! Let me mention my credentials, so you can understand the irony in his selection. I have 2 masters degrees and work for a fortune 500 company making over 6 figures and we live in a 5 bedroom newly constructed house with a walk-out basement, while his "grandma" girlfriend is divorced, has 2 grown kids in the 20's, one daughter with a 3 year old and a son who has a criminal record and lives in a 3 bedroom townhouse in a less desireable dommunity and needs so much help to do basic things in life like get a mortgage and understand how financing issues. I also left out that I'm a real estate broker and have several rental properties that I bought with my own credit. Earlier this year, he took on a 2nd job so that he could support this woman by wining and dining her and I found out in August that they went on a week long vacation to Puerto Rico together. I subsequently found other pictures of them on short trips he took for his job. He filed for divorce in April of this year and to date has done nothing to move the divorce forward. He thinks that he is going to be able to afford a house once he gets his name off the mortgage of the house we own together.
Like the others that have posted, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it from day to day. It is very painful to watch him self-destruct and know that what he is doing has a great impact on our children. I forgot to add that in 2007, while I was 6 month pregnant with our 3rd that he decided to take a motorcycle trip to Sturgis with his "grandma" girlfriend. So although I have no physical abuse, emotionally the damage is great.
I could go on and describe other things that have happened in the last few years, but I won't. I will suffice it to say to each and everyone of you, hold your heads up high and know that your stories inspire and touch others you don't even know. You can and will make it and each and everyday is another day to do something great and make a difference. You need to reach down and find that inner strength, you have it, and make things happen. God is always there, you may not know it or feel it, but he is and he will help your through your troubled times. Be strong people and take control of your world, remember you can't control the actions of other people but you can control how those actions impact your world directly. Don't be a victim! Take control of what you can control and make changes, remember you can't change or help others that don't want to help themselves!
God bless you all and continue to keep strong and keep your heads up!
Why me Lord? - Jenn - Dec 3rd 2009
You know they say that God doesn't put anymore on you than you can handle, well he's got a lot of faith in me then. I just got married in March of this year but we've been together for 2 years. My cousin introduced us right after new years. Shortly after he was living with me. He seemed so perfect completely different from my exhusband. He was wonderful with my two children and he got one of his daughters to come live with us. A couple of months into marriage we find out that he has a 13 month old son from his previous girlfriend. We take the baby in as well. Just to let you know he would not work or as he says could not work. I was supporting everyone! You would think that I would be the one that wanted a divorce. We got into an argument that night no big deal but he blew it all out of proportion. He began yelling he knew that we weren't going to last and he hoped that I burned in hell. He began packing everything that belonged to him. He jumped in the truck that I bought him grabbed his son and left. I received a phone call from him saying that he was in jail for felony possession of drugs. This is where everything comes out. He had cheated on me with four different women (one of which he was headed to live with that night), he had a serious drug problem. Lucky me, I can pick 'em. My family tells me that if I take him back they will have nothing to do with me. I know that I should go ahead with the divorce but I love him he just has a problem, a serious problem. I pray everyday several times a day for the Lord to be with me, make me strong. This is so hard.
still grieving ... will it ever end? - - Dec 3rd 2009
I was with my husband for 15 years and we have one daughter. We have been divorced now for 7 years and even though I have moved on in many ways in my life I still have waves of sadness and grief that are so intense that they feel unbearable. It's as if we just split up yesterday.
I feel that the divorce was my fault because I was unfaithful to him. I wanted to work it out but he couldn't forgive me. He's remarried now and his wife is pregnant. Because we co parent together and have to coordinate our schedules so often, I feel like my past is always right in my face and I just can't move on.
I'm afraid that I will feel this way forever.
Today was the day - Mike - Nov 30th 2009
My wife and I started dating at 19 and got married at 22. After about 10 years she started feeling depressed over the thought that she'd missed out on her "wild years" and didn't get to do the whole random dating/partying/etc scene.
It got to a point where we were on the verge of splitting up, so I gave her some "freedom" in hopes that she would get that wandering eye out her system and realize that she did indeed WANT to be married.
Fast forward to today...when I gave her signed divorce papers. I never wanted this, never mistreated her, was never anything but the ideal friend/lover/husband/confidant. All along she cheated on me (the times I knew, it was without my consent) and treated me to what friends have said was a healthy dose of emotional abuse.
Today is the day I get my self-respect back! I know it won't be easy for me, but I also know that it will be even tougher for her (I believe she has a relationship addiction - and somehow almost always picks guys with crazy police records - but doesn't want get help). It breaks my heart knowing what her future could hold for her, but she refuses to change, refuses to get help and refuses to even realize that she's doing anything wrong, risky or dangerous.
She says she loves me. She says I'm the nicest guy she's ever met. She has said all along that she knew that she'd end up costing us our marriage but knew it was something she needed to do or she'd regret it forever.
Thanks for reading. It's good to have a place to vent.
I see it coming ... - - Nov 24th 2009
My husband hasn't spoken nor seen me from past 2 years. He lives in another country. Just deserted me to make his mother happy. Some times it hurts a lot .... :(. My only solace is tears ... . I see it coming and every thing will end. I don't how to cope. I wish he was kinder. Some people are so cruel , they are just disgrace to humanity.
Follow Up - Amanda - Nov 15th 2009
I had read that someone wanted a follow up. Here is a follow up. This year has definetly been one of the toughest years of my life. It actually has been the year from hell. Me and my son have been through everything from being left homeless to having no money. Some how we managed to get through it. There are some things that you may never get over depending on how much you have loved the other person. For me I really don't think I will totally stop loving Todd. I have tried to stop loving him but, I can't. I have learned to accept the fact that I still love him more than words could ever express. I just want him to be happy. The relationship we had was not a healthy one. He very much verbally and sometimes physically abused me. I had begged him to get some counselling but, he didn't want it. Family life just wasn't what was in the stars for him. We have been divorced for almost two months and he walked out in January of this year. He has moved on with another woman which is really painful but once again you manage to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
I have done a lot to change my life. I wasn't allowed to go return to school when we were together. I enrolled myself in the Personal Support Worker course in March and I graduated this past Friday Nov. 13, 2009. I start my new Job tomorrow at the hospital. There is no greater feeling than it is to help another human being. I do belive that everything in this life happens for a reason. You just have to get up every day with a smile* and keep trucking. You can't let them win. I have changed a lot. I must say that this is the first time in 5 yrs that I am completely and totally happy. I still have my moments where I do find myself crying. I will hear something on TV or see something that will remind me of my ex. You have to put yourself back into reality and be proud of how you have grown as a person, and how much of a better person you are because of the experience you have just gone through.
You will have a much closer relationship with your kids. I have an amazing relationship with my son. Your kids will keep you strong. If you can survive a divorce you can survive anything!!! I am so very proud of every single one of you on here. Your stories have helped me and I am sure milliions more ppl. Remember you are not alone. Forgive your Ex. Not for them but, for yourself. By Forgiving them your are releasing them. You are allowing yourself to be FREE. Wish your ex a good life as I have wished mine a good life. I hope that he has a wonderful life with the one he is with now. I wish him wealth, health and much happiness. I pray that will have a wonderful relationship with our son.
Remember your day will come. You will come out on top. Keep your chin up. Everything is as it is suppose to be. Accept what you can't change. I will say a prayer for everyone who has a broken heart. Just learn to accept things as they are. I hope this comment has helped someone. Even if it is one person. :)
and I thought I was all alone - Trisha - Nov 13th 2009
This may sound crazy but it's so good to read all these sad posts. Because I inititated the divorce from my verbally/emotionally abusive/absent ex, I never in a million years expected to grieve. I guess I am sad and missing what I thought I would/should have after 20 years of marriage, and not sad b/c I miss having another semi-luke warm body in the house. John, I can totally relate to the missing the kids. When they are with him I cry my eyes out. I never wanted "suitcase children." It breaks my heart!! And my relationship with my kids has changed as well. You do feel so totally alone, no family in town either.
depression is overwhelming - John - Nov 11th 2009
I have been married 19 years and it is ending. I am afraid my relationship with my children will never be the same. The depression is overwhelming.
Found out today. - Erin Heard - Nov 11th 2009
I just found out today that my husband and me are getting divorced. He no longer wants to be in this marriage. Now, I'm feeling all the feelings in the world, most of them were mentioned in the article.
Even know I'm knew to this getting divorced thing, I want to share some advice that I think might work. Thought stopping and thought changing. Whenever you start thinking about things that cause you anger or the tears to come think about something happy or neutral without the other person involved.
Also, don't get trapped in the irrational thoughts either. I tend to do this because it's easy. I do the, "our marriage never mattered" and "he must not have cared about me," which is usually irrational thoughts. So check out your thoughts, if they are irrational, make them rational.
Example, "He never cared about me," could turn into "He did care, we are just not right for each other."
This tends to help me through any painful situation, so I thought I would offer it.
pain and hurting - mac - Nov 10th 2009
me and my wife were married for 7 years been together 9 till she emptied the house and took my kids 8 months ago.your head is everwere some days good some days awful never knowing what part of this frightening emoitional rollercoaster will take your heart next. i have since found out she has hooked up with another guy which has devestated me and left me numb and heartbroken.friends and family have been amazing but like we all know when you turn out the light and it,s you and your thought it,s tough as am typing this out the tears are falling i know people say you gotta stay strong but as we all know easier said than done.i just hope in years to come i will look back on these hard times and say i got through and maybe everyone who has contributed on here will enjoy boat drinks all of us keep are heads up.
Marriage? Love? Don't believe in them!!!! - Jane - Nov 7th 2009
My soon to be ex- husband we were together for 13 years, everyone knew except me that we are not right for each other.
He set fire to my cousins house whilst doing some plumbing? Of which he'd only done a weekend course for! He'd got no liability insurance and left me to deal with the £150,000 claim against him then left.
He left 3 years ago, he now has a lovely new life with someone and a little girl. The one thing I wanted with him a loving family. Instead he left me and his son to find a home and build our lives without him and thats ok? He didn't even care where we were going to live, he was releaved when I found somewhere. He wouldn't divorce me last nov because it wasn't the right time for him.
I lost everything that day, my self-esteem, confidence, security, someone I thought loved me but never did. I was told this my brother on his wedding day, a right kick in the guts to find out I've never ever been loved.
I will never properly trust anyone again, these days people are not interested in how I am because I should be over this now. I am over him but it's everything else that life has to throw at you. I'm trying to move on but always get pushed down again.
I hope there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel.
Follow-up Stories would be helpful - Marko - Nov 2nd 2009
I think it would be interesting and possibly helpful to hear a follow-up story from some the people who have made comments here over a year ago.
Confused People, when to love again? - Needed Help - Oct 19th 2009
Hi, this webpage has opened my eyes. Yes, we moved to fast in another relationship.
I've been separated for 2 1/2 years and have been dating a guy for 10 mths, he also has been married and I broke off with him because of my insecurities of him maybe cheating. Now, it find out that he is stilling holding on to his marriage but doesn't want to get back in it.
We are both still hurting but I feel because we both have been down that road; we can learn from our mistakes and grow from that.
But he needs time and I'm willing to give that to him, how can I help him through this.
entered a relationship too soon - Joshua - Oct 19th 2009
My wife left me over a year ago (May 2008) and the divorce recently went through. However, about a year ago, I got involved in a relationship that ended. She ended it about a month ago and I am really hurt. Because I entered this relationship, I think I delayed my grieving process with my wife. Now, I feel like I am doubly grieving now. I thought I was more emotionally stable to handle that...but was not. What do I do now? All I can think about is how lonely I am.
Still Hurting after 10 months - - Oct 17th 2009
Hi my Ex Husband left me and our 4 year old son in Janurary for another woman. It has been a really rough 10 months. The divorce was final on September 13,2009 due to him comitting adultry and all of the years he had mentally abused me. It is funny how we don't see what is really going on in front of our faces until we step out of the picture. The thing that is really hurting me now is the fact that he seems to treat this new girl that he left me for a hundred times better than he had ever treated me. I am not trying to make myself seem like I am some kind of saint but, I was truly good to him. I did everything possible trying to make him happy. I even sacrified my own happiness to make him happy but, I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!! I pray every single day of my life that this pain will someday go away. I try to figure out what this other woman has that I never had. Any thoughts on how do you get over the hurt of an ex moving on I guess so to speak?
Thanks for any advice
THE MOST confusing thing I have ever been thru - JoniH - Oct 15th 2009
I found out that instead of loving, honoring, and cherishing ME, my husband had turned to CHEMICALS to love, honor and cherish. Within a month of finding out, I had him in a detox at a local hospital. About two weeks after his detox, I found out he was back to using drugs again!
How could drugs be more important than me?
Now that he's sober again, I find myself wondering if I should go thru with this divorce; even though we are both in different relationships now. We still have an amiable relationship; even though we hurt each other. This has got to be THE MOST confusing thing I have ever been thru. Period.
So, I am not the only one... - Yvonne - Oct 4th 2009
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm 44 and 1/2 but I feel like 104 this week. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. Just last week he showed up with a 4-year old son from a previous affair again. This is after I forgave him in 2002 and gave our relationship another chance. I have 1 daughter and she is 16,non-verbal,non-ambulatory and about 8 mo. old mentally. I have no family in this state. I will not deny that I have had serious suicidal thoughts because I feel I have failed my little angel. but she's still here. There must be 6 billion people in this world and I feel I'm in the nuclear zone. Loneliness is not helping. I can just barely cope. But reading that what is happening to me is sort of the way things go, does.
To Amanda - Indian Friend - Sep 23rd 2009
I could not help but cry after reading what happened to you. I pray to God, to protect all the little children and their mothers who are going through hell and back. May God give us strenghth to forget pain and move on with our lives. I'm sure people like you with little kids can bring their children wonderfully. God will be there with you every moment of life to over come this rough patch.
Take baby steps and just concentrate on making yours and your child's future secure. Don't think of people who hurt you, God will know better what to do with them.
May God give all the children all his love and care and protect them.