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Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
Dr. Schwartz's Weblog

Is Your Partner Still Relating to His/Her Ex?

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: Jun 19th 2012

Is Your Partner Still Relating to His Her Ex?I receive many emails from people complaining that their partner still relates to their ex boyfriend or girlfriend. To make matters worse they report that their partner keeps photos of the ex or communicates with them via Facebook, Twitter or Email. Can this be detrimental to a relationship or is it something that should be ignored? Here is an example of one email:

"I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 3 years. He still has his ex's photos and refuses to remove them. They were with each other for 5 years. He says that he doesn't have any feeling about her or her pictures but these photos have to be saved because they are his memories and remind him of his past. He also mentions that I will never see them but maybe, after 20 years or so, we will check them together and laugh. I say why should he have these photos of being in each others arms, hugging or kissing each other or their portraits. I can't understand it."

It seems fairly obvious that doing things like keeping photos or maintaining contact with a former partner will arouse lots of jealousy. Such behavior feels like a threat. This is especially so if a current relationship is having problems and conflicts. In this case the ex partner may seem like a good alternative to the present one. In addition, any relationship can be threatened by an ex.

A factor that increases the damage that is done to a couple is the fact that this activity is kept secret. Most often, the lover comes across photos, emails and Facebook activity by accident. If keeping these things is so innocent then why keep them secret? Also, why not give up such things as photos and other types of contact? If someone is fully committed to their romantic partner why not be understanding of their feelings about this?

Secret or not, maintaining contact with a former lover dilutes or takes energy and focus away from the present relationship. In other words, this is a distraction that serves no good purpose.

A secure and trusting romantic relationship rests upon a foundation of trust. This trust cannot be established if either one of the partners remains in contact with a former lover.

What are your experiences with this problem?

Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

 

 

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

Readers who live in the Boulder, Colorado metro area, or in Southwest Florida may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation. He is also available for psychotherapy through Skype video for those who are not in Florida or Colorado. He can be reached via email at dransphd@aol.com for details.

    Reader Comments
    Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

    girlfriend creeps ex facebook profile - - Mar 14th 2015

    My girlfriend of two years creeps her ex boyfriends facebook weekly. They have had no words spoken in four years.she just visits his page weekly.I asked her about it and she denies it.Im sure she would never go back to him so why would she do this?I know she lies to me about doing this to save my feelings but I get really pissed about it!!! Fyi. We are engaged and I truley believe she loves me..any advise?

    what was she thinking? - BadHairDay - Feb 22nd 2015

    My wife added her ex to her facebook account. After a couple of minutes, her ex responded and accepted her request. they Chatted for a while that she unconciously didnt knew i knew what was she doing by that time. She deleted the conversation adn upon confronting her, she claimed it was just an old friend. I told her i saw some of the chats suspecting it wasnt just a friend. She denied until confessed it was her ex. Its been  a couple of days i felt like i was betrayed. I dont know what lacks me. As far as i know i didnt expected her to be like this. Any advice what was she thinking why she friend her ex. Why she deleted that conversation. Why told me she was just a friend at first. What a life.

    ex's as confidants?? - Ginny - Feb 8th 2015

    How about this question? My husband has an ex-girlfriend from many years ago. I really had no issues with her or there very sporadic contact...heck he even came to a wedding in another country without me, but that she was attending because I had no issue. A later wedding, I did attend and met her for the first time. She wrote to my husband, later asking about various life questions...still no problem. My problem came in when last year she wrote to him and told him of her impending divorce, before her family knew. This sticks with me oddly. It is an intimate sort of discussion, one that seems odd to share with a former partner. I should give you a few other insights...they did have a multi-year relationship of 10 years, so not so different from a marriage at that point...not a simple dating for a couple of years. She cheated on him when he was away working in another country (and I suspect that maybe she likes various attention but that is suspect, where as other things are facts). I also suspect that her sister, who is a good friend of my husband and in theory, was a friend to me via my husband, shared that we had had marriage difficulties a couple of years ago...so when she writes to him with this information shared, to a person who may have a shaky relationship, I feel little uncomfortable. I did not stop him from writing her but said, you need to be careful of the signals you send.

    Now, my suspicion that she knows some aspects of our marriage vulnerabilities comes from a recent event. You see we've split up after a lot of fighting and issues. We considered, to some small degree, trying to work on it. But my husband tends to share details of our demise quite quickly to the public, this includes this ex's sister. Well low and behold, the ex writes to him (but accidentally to our shared email) to say I hear you've got troubles and I hope you can come out friends. Well I've blown my top as this sister really had no right to share it with anyone as it was a private matter shared with only her and her husband, and she claims that the ex really has big hopes for our success (not sure how we could come out of it with friends was a real optimistic message for the marriage) but I feel it is very, very wrong for this ex to write to my husband, and my husband alone, to provide a comforting shoulder to talk to which can really only be the explanation for someone writing to someone possibly on the brink of divorce! And this can only encourage a husband to feel a sharing of details he's had an intimate relationship with, as far nicer than a marriage he currently has but has issues. All marriages have issues, but if someone - who is seeking validation because her husband cheated on her - gives a false respite to your marriage issues, it is giving a false mirage of hope when lives and marriages are at stake. 

    Of course my husband doesn't agree with my logic and I fear that despite my writing to the sister to explain why this wasn't right of her to share and why it wasn't right of her sister to be opening up a single dialogue with my husband, he will carry on a writing relationship with her because he does not see that it is damaging for him to not work on our marriage, by allocating his time, energy and sharing elsewhere but also, it shows how little he regards this feeling for me that someone can jump in from the past and think that their place is in our marriage, even in a small degree.

    Strangers, friends, best friends, lovers strangers. - Damien - Jan 30th 2015

    We stop being emotionally and physically attached , so naturally we should be digitally detached. Keep photos as a way to remember when single, but when you enter a new one it's your time to create new memories.

    SHE'S seeing 2 ex-lovers this week? - Dave - Jan 27th 2015

    I just started seeing a 49 year old woman (im 50) We've talked about being monogamous and exclusive, yet she has lots of male friends and is seeing 2 ex lovers this week..going shopping with one and going to the opera with anohter, w'ere new so she says this is wrapping up old commitments..something like that.

    I don't have a problem with her contactng her ex's but to continue going out with them..well isn't that like we never stopped seeing other people..I wouldn't call this being exclusive?

    I will be patient and see how this plays out but..if she keeps dating her ex's, I think I will just see her once a week and say that we're not really exclusive if she's seeing her ex's. Tell her that when she's ready to be exclusive, I will be there...is this reasonable?

    my ex and I - sallyann - Dec 17th 2014

    I have a dilemma. I am single and live in South Africa; I am in touch via email with an ex of mine who lives in Canada; we have not seen each other for over 20 years.

    I initiated the contact when I sent him some old photos of him (not of us), turned up during a clearout at home.

    He replied and we have communicated for 4 months , sometimes flirtatiously, during which time he gave no indication that he had a partner. He has finally told me he is married, no children. he explained his reticxence by saying he did not want our communication to be affected. He has not told his wife about our communication.

    I love getting his emails and he mine. We both agree that our communication enhances each others' lives. However, what about his wife? Is she being hurt by this deceit?

    Some of my friends fear that a) I am colluding in his dishonesty and b) that I will get hurt. Other friends say Why Not? It is harmless and does you good.

    I don't feel I am colluding; I tell myself, perhaps dishonestly,that the ethical decision is for him to make as he is the married one. But I do feel uncomfortable to some degree about what we are doing.

    Have you been in this situation? Do I give up this pleasure on moral grounds?

    My boyfriend communicates on Facebook constantly with ex lovers..it is causing my huge insecurity!! - - Dec 12th 2014

    I have seen my partner through every one of his storms.  I am supportive of his art, his career.  I am educated, articulate and highly sexual.  "I am managomous!!"  I stopped all communication with men I had dated or had relationships with as soon as we started to live together.

    My partner on the other hand, communicates regularly via inboxed messages with other lovers.  I have told him how this hurts me and is disrespectful towards are relationship.  How can I feel he is truly committed to me if this continues?  

    I love everything about my partner.  We relate exceptionally well and are thoughtful towards each other.  This just feels really disrespectful and I question if this is his way of keeping options open.  If so..don't think I can stay in a relationship where options are open.  I have closed all of mine.  Advice please.

    trust ur partner but trust ur gut - - Dec 8th 2014

    My ex told me that he didn't have a FB acct, yet he got notifications on his phone. He got upset with me and still denied it. A few weeks later his ex IM him on FB, and I asked him if he was friends with her. He told me yes, but it wasn't a big deal because it was a long time ago. We broke up and I am now in a new relationship, and he is in a new relationship with her. I hope it works for them this time. Moral of story trust ur partner,but trust ur gut.

    the love of my life lives his ex wife - - Nov 10th 2014

    My boyfriend and I err high school sweethearts 9 years ago, but we were young and life got complicated. He decided it was easiest just to move on and try to keep me in his life by calling and telling me he still loved me while he was saying other women. I had enough right after Valentines day and tried to make him hate me so he would stop coming back and breaking my heart again. 

    He married his girlfriend from that time, and I married later two. 

    April 2013 he randomly writes me on fb and I tell him to leave me alone. I was in an abusive marriage and eventually have in to his persistent bugging about being my friend. But as I suspected we couldn't be friends because I still loved him way too much. I told him to go away again. He listened, kind of, randomly sending me pictures though of things we had talked about.

    When my marriage finally feel apart from some terrible things my husband had done to me, I tried to resist but I needed to know I want crazy for living him all that time. Sure enough, he says he loves me.

    We've only been officially back together since January but I have had many run ins with other current girlfriends. I knew this would be the case because he has a sex addiction. But I do know that I am different for one they usually only last a month to 6 months is the longest I had heard of, and his family knows about me and not the other girls.

    But now he still won't admit to our relationship on fb. And worse he is always jumping at the chance to tell his ex wife that he messed up and would do anything to have his family (her and their son) back. It kills me because my two young girls think he is their dad, but we clearly are just his second choice. And I fear my birth control may have failed, so now there is a chance we will have a kid together and still he wants her back and says it on fb where everyone can see it. 

    He really is an amazing and wonderful person if you don't consider his dating life. Please don't think badly of him based on this. It's only part of his life and coming from my perspective not his. 

    For Marie - Jason - Oct 11th 2014

    Marie. Leave him. Have respect for yourself and divorce him. Hes cheated on you multiple times. One time is a mistake but multiple times shows he doesnt love you or care about your marriage. Divorce him and get him for alymony and child support.

    Toxic ex! - Heather - Sep 4th 2014

    I left my home country two years ago to marry my husband, but his feelings for an ex g\\\'friend remain living, and he says he misses her. Their relationship has never been consistent, and he spent 23 years being messed about by her, & wrecked several of his potentially successful relationships over this time. I am very unhappy, stressed by this constant threat and I hate being here. I visit my friends/family abroad next month, and he says he will visit her whole I am absent. (I did suggest he do this some time ago, to get perspective in their relationship, but things got easier with he & I,  and I forgot about it!!) It was a real numbing shock when he told me, and I shook for hours, then felt nothing but coldness. Am I wrong here? I feel dread, hurt and threat by their relationship, with reason, and he says he still loves her (erm.. \\

    New guy was pining over ex for over two years, is he still not over her? - Flouny - Aug 11th 2014

    I should have known better, but I let my judgement get the better of me. 

    I met an amazing man on a broken heart's forum a few months ago.  I was scorned by some guy I didn't really know online (never having met him but was nursing feelings of rejection), he was still in pieces of a dissolved relationship from three years ago.  We began talking the same day we signed up and messages led to email and within a week he revealed that I make him smile alot and he's never felt this comfortable with someone...

    I think he is an honest guy, he's never wanted to rush into anything and about a month or so into talking he said he'd come visit me...by the time he comes we'll have known one another for about three goign on four months. 


    here's the problem.  I still wonder if he's still nursing a broken heart, his ex cheated on him (long distance relationship). I don't know if it's irony but I'm from the same country she is...He says he doesn't think of her as the one that got away, but that her rejection of him seems to confirm in his mind his low self worth. 

    I have self esteem issues that I'm slowly overcoming.  It's a work in progress I know.  I am also aware I have a tendency to self sabatoge my relationships and I'm trying to not look for a way out to avoid getting hurt.

    Here's the problem. His ex basically called him a psycho and told him to leave her alone.  I think he alluded that he facebook stalked her (I can't recall) to see how she is.  He also wrote on the broken heart's forum shortly after we met (maybe a few days into talking) that he loved her and would always love her.

    How can someone change their feelings towards someone else in such a short time?  He wrote a mock letter to her and in a day or so was saying that I make him smile and laugh alot. 

    Here's the big thing.  He goes onto facebook often lately, when I ask him what he does, he says he doesn't do much. He still has photos of his ex and a few loving comments about her.  I sort of alluded that I saw these pictures (though I didn't point blank say it) and asked him questions about where they were taken (did not mention her)

    He said that he hasn't updated his page in a long time (which is true).  Yet, part of me wonders if he goes onto facebook to try to see how she's doing (he logs in on a daily basis).  I don't have a right to ask him to remove those photos because we haven't met yet even though we've professed a deep connection to one another. 

    I am fighting the urge to abandon the emotional investment in this because I honestly don't have the energy to be someone's rebound (three years later is that still a rebound) or someone's replacement. 

    I've told him on multiple occassions I think he is very special and anyone that would walk away from him missed out on a great person.  I don't know what else there is for me to do really. 

    Should I wait until we meet and see if he removes photos of her or should I jump ship now?  I should add, I've tried to leave a few times but I'm always in tears and it's very hard.  If I don't meet him, I'll always wonder what could have been...

    to post dated 8/3/14 - Miss J - Aug 4th 2014

    Here is my advice: if you are in a relationship with someone you absolutely don't trust and who doesn't respect you (and who actively DISrespects you) then GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP!

    Staying with him will only make for a terrible example for your children, and will waste your life over someone who doesn't care for you the way you deserve it. Get your own self cleaned up, go to counseling, see why you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment for so long. Fix your own problems then get out and live your life around people who care and who will respect you. That's my advice.

    My Husband's Ex lover - Marie - Aug 3rd 2014

    Hi

    I need some advice. My husband thinks I am ridiculously jealous.

    This is the situation. When we got married he was friendly with a younger girl saying he was her mentor. I invited her into my home and helped her with school work etc. I started observing that even when it was time for the girl to leave the house he wouldnt want me to accompany them. It went on for a while. I was uncomfortable with it but he has always been a bully since we got married. Whenever her name comes up it would cause an argument. If she going anywhere she thinks she has to call to let him know. I used to work far from home and I notice on my phone bill that when I was on my way from work he would sit hours on the phone with this girl. Suddenly I got pregnant and then matters started getting worse. She and him started having sexual intercourse during that time. I found out because my body was just rejecting him and he confessed. I needed a break and went by mom for a while with my daughter. During this 3 months he took back the girl to our house and started having sex with her again.

    We got the opportunity to migrate so we went through a series of counselling and I decide that this was the last try. When went away and they started communicating again. I broke into his email. He kept lying even when I was reading the mails lol. Anyhow we happen to migrate elsewhere now and he happened to leave his phone home one day and she called. I asked how she got this new number. He lied to me. Now I recently found out he is helping her to do her thesis when he went back home. He started communicating with her. If you were me. Wouldnt you think they are still having an affair? 

    What hurt me most when he was home I called him and asked if he is communicating with her and he lied to me again. Then I broke into his email again and found out he is a complete liar. He claims he knows how I will react. I do not trust him and I do not see where our relationship is heading if he still keeps this connection. I told him he does not respect me enough to cut off communications based on the nature and history of our conflict. This started as we got married. We been married for 13 years and he has not treated me with utmost respect. I have a 10 year old and a 2 year old. Thought things were getting better but he is still looking out.

    My words to him yesterday was, "if you are investing in that relationship you must expect to reap something". I also told him to give me ONE reason why he feels it is necessary to keep in touch with her.

    What is your advise to me?

    troubled... - - Jul 28th 2014

    he " " are because im well aware what most online dating consists of. not all by no means but i would say most are merely people looking to hook up for sex and "colorful" chatting.

    im so bothered when she recvs text from her "friends".

    she insists that they are only friends now, i believe this to be true in her case but am also aware of what the "friends\" intentions are.

    my wife did this while remaining frigid to me for years.

    our wedding is planned, we are buying a house. all is well except for this. i dont know how to request that she at the very least delete these numbers from her phone and otherwise end communication with them.

    HELP!

    i dont know what to do or say anymore - - Jul 22nd 2014

    i am having this problem with my gf. I am in the process of moving myself and my 16 yo daughter in with her and she continues to see her ex ...well she goes to see the kids she was helping raise for 2 years but the ex goes with them .I have said ok i get it the kids,but last night she went to help her with moving her fridge in her kitchen . I trust her but i just dont get good vibes with it all . she wants us to go up north together sometime with her i said hell no she isnt my friend .

    hiding - Stressed - Jul 21st 2014

    recently I found out that my current partner has been communicating with her exes(more than one). This was an issue at the start of our relationship that was addressed and resolved..so I thought. Instead my partner justifies her actions whilst condeming me for being in contact with my daughters mother, my ex wife. The ex wife and I keep our communications about the child and thats it. These exes of my current partner don't share a child, buisness or finances...but yet she has found numerous ways to stay in contact with these people..mainly by hiding it. So now I have made myself into a paranoid nosey partner, not what I signed up for. It feels like she doesn't have any respect for me and makes me feel like I dont trust her. WHat am I doing wrong here or what am I not understanding???

    My wife is still secretly relating to her ex boyfriend - mrkarmasutera - Jan 3rd 2014

    I've confessed for having a relationship with my co-worker in mid 2012 till end 2012  that my wife and her father knew.  My wife was depressed by that situation and frequently adviced me in which i ended the relationship afterward. As she knew about my relationship, i didn't know that during those tense moments, she also had come across with her ex-bf ( which is also a married guy ) through FB and started to use him to express her feelings about aour condition. After few month since i'm not in anymore relationship with my co-worker as she has been transferred already, it is in the early month of 2013 that i've accidently come across few intimate FB msg and sms about her ex-bf and at that point i've realised that she was in a relationship with him. As i've confronted her she confessed and i was surprised that how can she been having an affair despite at the same time advicing not to previously. We had a long fight and part of my beleive in her is also gone. We both knew our mistakes and confessed in improve our relaionship. As time goes by, in end 2013, we move to a new apartment that we bought. At some times i did browse her FB ( i manage to get her PW ) and phone just to check if she is still relating to her ex but it was well ok until recently i noticed that she secretly still follow him and searching for him through the FB. My wife wanted me to completely forget about my past but she is not doing the same thing. What makes thing more disturbing for me is that i just knew that her ex-bf is actually lives just a few floors under our unit in the same block of our apartment.

    Rehabilitation and is Destruction? - Eric - Oct 31st 2013

    My comments are very simular to the first articule, except i checked my girlfriend in rehab three weeks ago! I have been strong and will remain so but the Photos of her ex and her are still on her wall on face book after i was told she had disposed of them. Now if i bring it up she blows up on me and ask, how i cant see she is focusing on her and goes so far as to threaten braking up over a photo she could at these of a click and 30 seconds have behind us.??  I treat her like a pricess and am taking care of everything so to help her have a stress free recovery as much as possiable.  Yet i find she is calling him on our calling cars and writing him as well refuses to take the photo down?   What is your thoughts on this subject and how to proceed??

    Need advice abt relationship problems - Maps ntshie - Oct 24th 2013

    Im a lesbian and hav a girlfriend whom im sharing with a guy so she feel threatn then she has to breakup with her she fels she owns him.now the guy is abusive to her physicaly n emotionaly..we hav almost 5 months stayn together,i was sleepn at her place most of de times..since after i did a tereble thing by send an sms to the boyfriend to stop promising her things especial aftr sayun thing that makes her cry...i could stand to see her crying n i send bad message that cause that the boyfriend bit her with a belt so much...now i dont no she wil stil want to be with me cos i loved her so much...pls giv me advise

    Hetero vs gay - - Oct 12th 2013
    Following jay's comment above....how does the new long distance girlfriend deal with the ex husband? They work together and spend time with the college age kids together 2x per month plus all holidays. Makes me crazy.

    She told me that meeting her ex ignited her love for him - Tem - Sep 12th 2013

    When we start dating, she told me that there was a person in her life whom she loved a lot. Although She loved him, they could not have long relationship because of so many factors of which she did not tell me. Through time, we started serious relationship 9 months ago. We actually knew each other for the last 2 years. Within the last 9 months, Our relationship was very great. Although we are working together in one office, our work place (mine is in the Head office and she is in regional office) is 560 kms apart. But I know that she loves me and I also love her a lot. We also engaged and have plan for the marriage in Decempber. But she came to me last week, she told me that her ex came out of no where and ignited her love. As she is saying, when he decided to meet her, she did not expected the things would this way. She told me tearfully that she still loves me and tries to keep our relathionship but the feeling she had for him makes her miserable. When she told me it for the first time, I was very much angry and I could not even have enough sleep since Sunday night. Although I am 34 (turned yesterday) years old, I never loved a girl like her before. But i do not know what to do. What she is asking me is just to give her time to adjust with it and get over it..............Please Help!!!

    Partner Still Relating to His/Her Ex - noodle - Aug 30th 2013

    I am the "ex" in this scenario.

    I currently have a friendship with my ex boyfriend for which I have not seen in 20 years. We re-connected over facebook and have met up once for lunch. We talk often on fb and we work in the same town. He is in a relationship but I know for a fact that she nor his friends do not know about our friendship…no one knows. Which I don’t understand why? We have not been physical, we don’t talk about it…except to flirt a little…but nothing has happened. Can you explain to me, why is he keeping me a secret (if we have done nothing wrong)? Is it because he hopes something will change between us, is he embarrassed by me (I don’t think so) or am I just a distraction for him? Is it so she won't be mad...no clue! Help!

    Will this last - - Jul 31st 2013

    Back in April, my ex husband, who was my then boyfriend moved out of my home. he agreed we would work on "things" but I found out he was scoping out dating sites. At the end of May, he and I had an e-mail conversation stating that I believe it would be best if we no longer had "relations" The next day he started dating someone new (whom he said he's known for 3 years). Less than a month and a half later he proposed to her (this will be his FOURTH marriage). It does hurt, but is this other woman that oblivious to the fact that he is a narrcasist. They are to be married 08/09 of this year, less than 2 months from when they started dating. Opinions, will this last, or is she going to be the next one to get hurt?

    Same situation - Confused - Jun 14th 2013

    I have s very similar situation! My partner of 20 months, although the past 4 very strained.. due to....  I have been with him for 2 xmas' now and never invited to either & or any other event. He has been involved with my family, friends and social circle for all, visits all without me, together with his boys .  His kids 16 & 15 (both boys) don't want me there so he goes with their mum. (He say he loves me more than anyone ever, however the boys are not dealing with me.  Divorced 11 years!  He is currently holidaying in the other end of the continent with the ex after her! I offered to fly in for the last week & he hesitated, saying he needed thinking room.  That I am there with him in spirit!!! I'm doubtful this is true, however he is a gentle loving man, who wouldn't hurt a fly.  Except me & now says I'm jeleous. I have not been included in family events, his birthday for 2 years and  in recent days and party I was excluded from, due to problems we have had in recent months. (He wanted his boys present and they wanted Mum) so I got a no show!  He then tells me he gave a speach and said this night is almost perfect. (He says meaning I wasn't there).  Mid 40's been there done that, am I missing something???? Other than I love and adore this man.

    I'm in the same boat - Mandy - Apr 20th 2013

    I'm in the same sitch, my gf is going through her divorce and I feel like I'm in a tangled mess sometimes.  They have 2 kids together, and I understand the need to communicate about the kids, but it seems excessive.  I feel like I'm dating him sometimes too and sharing her.  I just have to be patient I'm told.  Any insight would great!! 

    Kids - Alice - Mar 16th 2013

    People who have children who are now adults really have no reason to continue any type of relationship. Anything can be said directly to the children. Graduations and weddings would be the only time they might attend and even then, they don't need to socialize there, just greet each other. There is no need to take pictures together or sit close to each other.

    I am kind of confused - Eric - Feb 23rd 2013

    My Girlfriend of 7 months invited her ex boyfriend to stay over at her place one night. The next day i confronted her about that, she told me that she was testing herself by invited her ex to sleep at her place. And also mentioned that i had felt because i was upset about that.

    Past relationship that won't go away!! - Rose - Feb 8th 2013

    My girlfriend had a relationship with a male where and even though they were friends it was toxic as he was totally besotted with her and they split several times. She said that she was with him for security reasons and that he made her feel very loved ( she always thought she was gay but never had the nerve to admit it until she met me) and that she was afraid to leave him because he often contemplated suicide when they split . I recently discovered that my girlfriend  (i am also female) has been contacting her male ex partner. I saw e mails between them discussing how insecure she was with me ( she says shes never felt like this before) and this made her say some horrible things to him about me- repeating texts I had sent her ( just ordinary texts about me going out with old friends)  This lead me to confront her and it transpired that when they began speaking recently she felt she owed it to him to try and become friends( as all three of us work together , she broke his heart and he was suicidal when they split)  Then when she felt more insecure about me she found herself agreeing and saying yes when he asked 'do you miss and love me' then when he asked was there any chance of them getting back together someday she said maybe 'yes' ( apparently to pacify him) .

    She has reassured me through very tearful eyes that she has never been in love before me and wants to spend her life with me! She has said that she only said those things to pacify him and it was the wrong thing to do and got out of control. She has sworn all contact will now be severed due to his recent calls threatening suicide again. She says she wants a life with me and her 10 yr old son who loves me dearly and her ex will never get under her skin again.

    I am reluctantly giving it another go because I love her despite all of this but often am drawn to thoughts of what went on and can't help but think they have a bond that goes further and that someday she will be untruthful to me again. I did have to catch her out after all for this to come out.

    Please .....opinions from anyone who may understand?

     

     

    Exes - Tati - Jan 29th 2013

    My partner still relates to all his exes. I have lost all trust in him since I learned lately that he still exercises and pays for her exercise classes when they go together to the girl who was with him before we met.  I am so hurt because he has always "forbidden" me to go to that particular exercise class. He has lied to me over and again. He talks to two other significant long term girlfriends he had from the past and although I voiced my disapproval, he told me they were like family.  He is not honest with me, and I am working on ending the relationship. I am totally feeling betrayed although he calls and looks for me. I feel he does not want anything serious... His words and actions don't match. He is secretive, hides or turns his phone not to see screen. I am totally confused and scared of letting go, although I know that it's the right thing.  I think he is dishonest..what Is your opinion?We have been together 1 year 1/2

    your guys ex - saleema - Jan 10th 2013

    i think its better if you get along with your guys ex if your guy is still in contact with her,that way you know whatever they do and you are not kept in suspence all the time

    problem in my realatinship with my bf - - Oct 18th 2012

    the example u mentiond in this article is mine,i wrote it for u a few month ago. im still in problem. not a serious one but it hearts me.im in the relationship with my bf for about 4 years.he was with his ex for about 5 years.about 1 year ago his ex came back to him and wanted to start the relationship again.she pesisted alot  for several month and finally finished it. after all those problem which made me sad alot during those days, my bf added her in facebook again last week.so it made her to call him again,my bf says that i added her just in order to know how is she doing,but it caused she call him .he says me i dont have any feeling about her and im just woory about her.he says that i want to have news about her just once in ayear,what should i do.am i in a sick realatinship?

    Your true feelings - - Oct 11th 2012

    Interesting topic, really at the end of the day, the lady left you to be with you...which to me means that she wants to be with you.  As a parent myself I would like to keep things in an open relationship with the ex and feel that she is doing the right thing.  A question you have to ask is, who does she go home at the end of the day, you.  So that should count for something.  But as long as you are honest with how you feel be honest and let her know how that makes you feel.

    I think it takes a lot to walk away from a marriage and especially with children...so really I don't think you have any worries other than your insecurities and I am sure if you confront her she will understand and mean a lot more to her that it is how you feel.   Hope this helps.

    Hetero vs Gay - Jay - Oct 8th 2012

    I would like to know whether being in contact with a hetero partner you were married to and had kids with and need to be in contact based on family ties with kids is the same threat once someone has come out as gay and has a gay partner.  Can the jealousy be the same on behalf of the gay partner based on a former hetero relationship?

    My lover has a good friendship w her ex - and it gets under my skin! - LJ - Jul 7th 2012

    My lover and I met under odd circumstances. She was married at the time and wanted to have a relationship with a woman. This is where I came in the picture. During the process, however, she discovered that she is in fact a lesbian and decided to be with me instead of her husband. She has a deep friendship with her ex and I have been more than willing to allow her to maintain a friendship with him (out of my love for her) - but, deep down I feel lots of feelings of jealousy and have a very difficult time trusting the fact that this is ok - should I allow myself to continue in this relationship and allow her to maintain a close relationship with him? should i ask her to choose between me or him? or should i just leave? (they have kids together). she insists that she wants to maintain a good relationship with him because of the kids (which i admire) - but i know that she still talks to him about intimate things (that i feel she should be talking to me about as her partner). we are currently separated and i am trying to figure out if i can tolerate her friendship with her ex or not. any advice?

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