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Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFTSally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT
A blog about mental and emotional health

Can Affairs Can Be A Gift for a Marriage?

Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT Updated: Aug 22nd 2012

Not all affairs happen in bad marriages and affairs usually cause a good marriage to go bad. However, the attention given to a marriage after an affair is revealed can bring changes that allow couples to grow closer than ever before and resolve issues long unresolved.

unfaithfulAffairs happen for a myriad of reasons. Technology today makes it way too easy to fall into something before you even realize it has happened. (One recent research study noted that facebook was mentioned in about 1/3 of divorce cases.)

More and more people are getting reconnected to sweethearts from their past and renewing old acquaintances, reliving old memories and sharing stories which can lead to feelings that seem to be, or actually are, feelings of love.

Partners can take each other for granted and forget to nurture the relationship. It is also very easy, with busy lives, to avoid working through conflicts and disagreements which lead to stored-up anger, hurt and resentment.

Whether a bad marriage opened a door for an affair or facebook or a reunion or just “being in the same place at the same time” led someone in a good marriage to have an affair, marriages and the people who are in them, are in need of a great deal of healing.

Affairs Can Open Doors For Healing

An affair is not a gift that anyone would ask for … but such a strong and painful wake-up call that often causes couples to recognize the state of their marriage and determine and define what they want and need to have a healthy, viable and faithful relationship.

Many couples that I have met find that their marriage grows even stronger as they progress through the work that needs to be completed to heal from an affair. The vulnerability and openness that emerges is fertile ground to open up conversations that have never occurred or happened very poorly and in hurtful or painful ways.

After the initial aftermath and the work has been started to heal from the affair and rebuild trust, then spouses are often more ready to take responsibility for their part of the problems in the overall marriage and consciously work toward making changes that they can to strengthen the relationship.

After Steve’s affair was revealed, for several weeks, Tricia was not ready to hear anything at all about her part of any problems in the marriage. After time passed, both were calmer and Steve acknowledged that he had made a huge mistake and hurt her terribly; Tricia was ready to see how some of what she did contributed to the chasm in their marriage and own her part in recovering the closeness that they both desired.

Begin the Healing BEFORE An Affair

Most people should not wait until major surgery is needed before taking action to heal a problem. The same is true for relationships. Do not wait until the problem is so severe that drastic action occurs. Be pro-active and preventive. Find ways to heal wounds, recognize and avoid temptations and protect the health of the relationship.


Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT

Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT has been a therapist for over 30 years, specializing in work with couples, families and relationships. She has expertise with clients both present in the room as well as online through email, phone and chat therapy. She has written numerous articles about solving couple and relationship dilemmas. Many of them can be found on her website, Counseling Relationships Online, or her blog, Relationship Dilemmas.

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