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John Folk-WilliamsJohn Folk-Williams
A Blog About Strategies and Methods for Self-Help in Healing

When a Depressed Partner Falls Out of Love

John Folk-Williams Updated: Sep 28th 2012

Depression can have a devastating effect on close relationships. Sometimes depressed people blame themselves for their pain, sometimes they blame their partners.

depressed womanIt's baffling and shocking to see them turn into cold and blaming strangers. After years of affection and intimacy, how can they suddenly declare that they don't feel love, even worse, that they have never loved their partners at all?

Depressed partners may refuse to face the inner pain that's wrecking their lives. Rather than seek treatment, they come to believe that it's the existing relationship that is ruining them. Their answer is often to leave and find happiness elsewhere.

The specific effects of depression will differ in every relationship, but this is the problem I hear about most often and the one I lived with.

What exactly is the inner pain that can't be faced and dealt with? Reciting the usual list of depression symptoms and the effects they can have on everyday life only gets you so far. General lists don't capture the experience.

Talking about "inner pain" suggests despair or other unbearable hurt that demands an explanation and must be escaped as quickly as possible. Since depression is a condition that can vary from day to day, that active side of pain can be the driving motive.

But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer.

It's the one that causes depressed partners to say they're no longer in love and have never loved their partners.

It's called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything.

For me, it was a kind of deadness. Rather than an excess of painful emotion, it was the lack of pain, the lack of feeling, that was the undercurrent of all the surface turmoil.

I believed that the relationship was holding me back. It had become hollow, empty of the intensity I longed for.

I could only find happiness and passion with someone else. It was the fantasy of the perfectly passionate mate that was a constant lure.

I recently re-read a chapter in Peter Kramer's insightful book, Should You Leave?, that captured this exactly.

As one of the dwindling number of psychiatrists who still practice psychotherapy, he often works with clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships. They want to know if leaving is the best thing to do.

When he encounters someone who is convinced that the marriage is dead, he says that he always suspects depression or another mood disorder.

He can sense that the person before him could well have an undiagnosed depression that has emptied him of all feeling. Anhedonia is the cause of the desire to leave to find a new, more intense life. His relationship feels loveless because he can hardly feel at all.

The problem is that the unaware depressive has such a high threshold of feeling that it takes extreme arousal to evoke excitement and passion. He can erupt with anger and rage because these are more violent emotions that stir him as little else does.

Kramer says that these clients often believe that they're perfectly capable of feeling. After all, they can go out and have fun with friends. They can feel passionate with others who likely have no constraining relationships or might be seeking the same kind of escape.

But they feel good precisely because these experiences offer exceptionally high levels of stimulation. They may also turn to addictive habits like recreational drugs, drinking, gambling or pornography for the same reason.

Fantasies of escaping into a life full of new intensity seem like the perfect answer to their inner emptiness.

No single explanation covers the diversity and unique facts of every relationship threatened by depression. This one fits much of my experience and also fits many of the stories that readers tell me in comments and emails.

Does it make sense in terms of your own experience? Have you lived through such a crisis or been close to someone who has?

 

John Folk-Williams

After recovering from decades of recurring depression a few years ago, John Folk-Williams became a full-time blogger on mental health. Writing the award-winning personal blog, Storied Mind, proved to be a turning point in his struggle to end his illness. To share his ongoing learning about strategies and methods for self-help in healing, he has expanded the scope of his online writing. You can find a collection of his posts at Health Central's My Depression Connection, and also follow his new website, Recover Life from Depression.

    Reader Comments
    Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

    Is this the depression side of him? - Kaye - Mar 11th 2015

    I've been with my man for two years. we have what I thought was an evolving relationship that continued to get stronger. I knew my man was jaded from his 22 yr marriage and had suffered a bout of depression when his divirce was finalized. He in fact confided in me one evening that he had been suicudal it was so bad. But he assured me he was fine. We continued to grow enjoy our time together and he seemed most in love with me, although he has a hard time telling me this. He had an episode of depression where he was overwhelmed with job, ex wife, raising kids and divirce matters so he sorta disappeared on me. Come to find out depression. Sought help got on meds. The meds made him sick. He stopped and seemed to be back to normal. Another year of us getting closer spending tons of time together. And vacationing with our families. We def in my eyes were closer. No problems no fights etc. it was that easy. A month ago his mom passed away, basically of old age. All a sudden he pulled the disappearing act. Again!! Said he needed space. I said okay. Well he has disappeared. No contact. I reached out thinking maybe he is not doing well and he was rude, selfish, showed no emotion and was a man I don't even know. He then spat out he isn't in love with me and can't continue the relationship. Poof gone!!! Haven't heard a word. Is this depression again??? Is this man in a bad mess and overwhelmed and feels no love for me. He stated he feels disconnected and ran from his fears and his moms death. Help I don't know much about depression and can it cause someone to change over night. 

    Jinxie - Johanna - Mar 9th 2015

    My husband of 25 years left me after trying to commit suicide and told me that the only way he could get inner peace was to be on his own.  I have since learnt that after only nine months apart from me he was seeing another woman.  We had not had a physical relationship for ten years due to his depression and I stood by him and suffered the feeling of abandonment, but stayed with him because I love him.  How can I cope with this rejection, when I know deep down inside that his 'falling out of love' with me is due to his depression.  How can I save his new woman from suffering the same rejection in the future, when he realises that this new feeling of pleasure doesn't last?

    another world - barney - Mar 6th 2015

    I have never dated a person that has suffered from depression so it was a major experience for me when i did and a world that i could not understand . Reading , talking , listening did not help save my relationship with the woman i love if anything it made things worse and i knew in time my relationship was doomed to failure because her world was safe beyond that it was dealing with the things we do on a daily basis .Big shame it came to a end i will miss her.DEPRESSION THE SNIPER ON THE ROOF

     

    Fiancée shocker - Broken ginger - Mar 6th 2015

    My fiancée and I have been together 8years and have two fantastic boys together. the other day she dropped a bombshell that she didn't feel the same anymore completely out of the blue. She said it was due to me not helping enough at home with the house and that she had kept telling me and she had enough. I begged with her that ithought we were happy and she said no. We have had a fantastic relationship and I worship and adore her. But when this came it destroyed me. i asked what had changed and she couldn't tell me. but she wouldn't talk about it either. So I had to stop elsewhere way from our home her and our kids which was so painful. it wasn't till reading this article that I think I knew what was happening.lately she would sleep in the day a lot and she was a bit distant and even after telling me it was as if the past 8 yrs hadn't meant a thing. when I got her to qnswer a question. I got \\\\\\\\

    what to do next tho? - - Feb 17th 2015

    but the question is what to do next? how to help them? he meets every require he doesnt want to leave me but he is miserable which makes me miserable...i love him and i want to fix this, and most importantly him being happy again

    My experience - Joe Kite - Feb 4th 2015

    I have read the past six months because I wanted as much insight on this problem. I have been dating my significant other for over five years and recently she told me that she was not herself? (Out of no where) I tried to to talk to her about her problems but she would not talk to me about them. A week later she asked me for space. I had no idea what she meant by that. (Is she cheating? What did i do wrong? Why???) A few days later after she told me she was having bad thoughts. (suicidal) I knew right away that she was secretly asking for my help because she does not speak to her family or friends about this. I told her that I am here for her and i am willing to help her with this. At the same time she still wants her space and I respect that but it can be dangerous since she is having suicidal thoughts. We are getting her help and I have told her numberous times that I am here for her and I am not going anywhere else. I love her with all my heart and i expressed my feelings to her. I'm just afraid that she might do something to herself. Hopefully whoever reads this know that you are NOT alone. What is the most important things for you? Then get it done. 

    Exactly... - - Jan 29th 2015

    This sounds like exactly what I am living through right now.  For a few months now, I have suspected that my husband may be depressed.  He has been under a lot of pressure at work, putting in crazy hours, has experienced a drastic injury this year that physically weakened him and (I think) effected his self esteem.  Unfortunately, I also have been trying to talk with him a lot about having a baby and buying a house in the relatively near future (the end of this year or next year maybe).  I have been talking about working more hours to save more money and make these things happen sooner (I earn more than him and have the ability to basically work as much OT as I want to increase my income).  Within the past two weeks, he has now come out and told me that he thinks he doesn't "provide for me" well enough because he doesn't earn enough money (something that has NEVER been an issue to me), that he's "afraid of missing something" because he is married to me, and that he isn't sure he loves me anymore.  He says he's confused and answers "I don't know" to all my questions about what he's thinking or feeling.  I strongly suspect this is his depression talking and not the real issue.  Sure, our marriage could use some work - who's couldn't?!  But I don't believe he doesn't love me.  He has agreed to see a marriage counselor with me, which I think is a great thing, and he says he wants to try and fall back in love with me.  But I would like him to see a therapist on his own because I believe most of our problem is really due to his personal issues.  He says he will consider the possibility, but I can tell he is uncomfortable with it, and with even the notion of his possibly being depressed.  I'm afraid he is going to leave me and make a huge mistake that will devistate both of us in the end.  The only thing that seems to make him happy anymore is going out drinking with the guys.  Anyway, it's reassuring to read that my instincts could be right about him.  Now I just need to figure out what to do about it...

    prepare your mind - - Jan 10th 2015

    Reading all these stories i feel for everyone but most of all i feel your emotional well being is very important mainly because you can support and understand up to a point , but at some stage you have to be honest with your mind and soul and except this relationship is going to destroy you if you continue to go down this road.

    I have been in the same situation as many of these people lack of love ,lack respect lack of everying but i could quickly see that i was going down a road of know return if i stayed in this relationship for the long term.

    Now am happy because i prepared my mind for what was coming and i knew in time i would become stronger after a few weeks of being upset because like everyone i was in love  and this awaken me when i thought i could not love again.

    I am a very warm loving emtional person and i believe in time i will find someone who will see what i have to offer , but the world of a depressed person is not geared up for long term love if anything it's geared for misery , pain , and everything negative,

    So i suggest to all of you out their think of your life and where you want to go and the person who loved you once just think of the good times cherish it feel sad for a while the dig down and find the person that was long and start again and have know regrets.

    Be careful that bad behaviour is not blamed on Depression - Tired and worn out - Jan 7th 2015

    I have total sympathy and empathy with partners or spouses of depressive individuals, as I am currently struggling to cope with a depressive husband in addition to caring for two children.

    His case is classic depressive as he ticks all the boxes, and has always exhibited signs early in our relationship. I knew then he had "mood swings" but as they were mild and as he could still function at a high level, it was not a concern for me then. I thought it was normal and everyone went through "mood swings". I have noticed that his condition has gotten progressive worse with time, due to his heavy drinking. 

    However, I find it difficult to understand and accept that some people who exhibited absolutely no signs of depression and mental illness should suddenly start acting in an uncharacteristic and uncharitable way towards their loved ones.  I am no medical expert on mental illness so I do not know the onset and progression of this disease, but I would caution against automatically assuming depression everytime someone behaves in an uncharacteristic and horrible fashion.

    I just don't want Depression to be used as a blanket excuse for bad behaviour in marriages and relationships where there has not been a prior  pattern of the indicative behaviour. It absolves the perpetuator of all responsibility for all the pain, stress and unhappiness they cause to their spouses and families.

    I totally agree with Vivi who suggested that depressive people still owe a responsiblity toward themselves and their loved ones to recognise their condition and seek help to fix it. They should still be held accountable. People who kill another and claim that their depression made them do it are still considered fit to stand trial since their depression does not affect their awareness of what they have done, nor their sense of right and wrong.

    How to help them? - Maria - Jan 3rd 2015

    I strongly believe my husband is going through depression. We know he is bipolar and we have been married for 7 years. I know he is hurting badly, how can I help? (or how can any partner help really..).
    Thank you!

    Bi-Polar Cold Shoulder - Pete - Jan 2nd 2015

    Much like my of these post I am effectively experiencing the same scenario. My girlfriend and I haven’t been together a huge period of time (6-7 months), but over the past 1-2 months things have really changed. When we first got together I was not really too concerned with the longevity of this relationship, as it was such a spontaneous occurrence that we got together in the first place I just wanted to see how it went along. Things moved very fast and before I knew it she had practically asked me to move in with her. We spent large periods of time together and clearly enjoyed each other’s company with no major problems. At first she came across incredibly clingy but I was foolishly not put off by this, constantly telling me how she "she loved me' and that 'shed never felt this way before'. Some time later she explained to me that she suffered from bi-polarism and that at times need to be left alone, this I fully understood and gave her all the consideration and support I had to offer. Her mood swings which were never a problem in the beginning now prevent her even leaving the house, she spends all day in bed and very rarely has any positive outlook on anything, and whenever she does have breaks in her negative outlook on the world her views are often irrational. After going round in this cycle of being pushed away and then called back I no longer feel in control of my own emotions, its as if the bi-polarism is taking hold of me!! In my head I am asking the question what it is I have done wrong? I have supported her in every decision, given her space when she has asked for it and returned to her when she is in need of my companionship. I am a very rational individual and have never risen to her childish arguments as I see this as an unwinnable situation and would never help matters, but I am left now with a partner who I fear is on the verge of dumping me for something I have/haven't done wrong. I am currently on the merrigo-round of giving her space after she refused to spend new year and Christmas with me (even after giving her everything she emotional asked for), but I fear that when she does finally decide she is ready to talk to me it will be the classic "its not you it's me" scenario and I am left with a severe dent in my self esteem, something of which it has taken me a while to get back. I’ve weighed up my options and refined them to two possibilities

    -Take the upper hand tell her how I really feel (neglected and guilty of doing nothing wrong) and then finish with her

    -See if this is just a particular episode in her life, which she will be able to overcome, and continued to give her the space she needs.

    Any advice would be massively appreciated

    Destined to die alone... - B. - Dec 22nd 2014

    I've read all of your comments. I pray for all of you to find peace. My wife of 14 years suffers from long term depression. It started when she was 11 years old and her mother and father split up due to her mothers infidelity.

    She went from an innocent little girl who still colored and used training wheels to an alcoholic... at age 11. Her parents after one year separation got back together for the "kids." Did I mention they ignored the children their whole time. My young wife would be passed out on the kitchen floor every night while her parents were out nightly trying to reclaim their marriage. Both children suffered mentally. When they went to councilling the parents said it was stupid and everyone is fine!

    Girl grows up drunk, stoned and sexually abused and raped right under her parents noses and they were too stupid to care about their kids who would never do anything like that!

    Enter me, I find her, fall in love with her and marry her. She is the love of my life. I know she is hurt and depressed but I give her an option, stay married until she is 25 and then see if this is what she wants. Square deal.

    She exhibits signs of anhedonia from day 1. I try everything to get her to hold my hand, show me love and fourteen years later, four children later, she is so huge an alcoholic, blames me for everything, I am picking up the slack for her daily until I am loosing sleep for 6 year and depressed myself. She calls the cops on me, nothing happened because of that obviously, and sells the house out from under us. Gets rid of all the wedding jewelry, dress and calls me a monster. It's all fictional! I am crying for four months but I don't see the woman I love in her eyes. She starts cheating and acting like someone I don't know.

    Then the breakthrough, she isn't happy still, gets put on anti-depressants. Brain is ruined from the booze and the pills screw her up still. She still feels nothing for me. She still blames me for loving her. I caused her to cheat. I am dead inside. I live for my children but I pray for her everyday. Because of my faith, I only get one shot at marriage, and so does she but she renounced her faith because it exposed her actions and the guilt was too much for her. Nice easy escape.

    The kids call her new mom and don't  like her anymore. Beg me to take them but I can't legally yet. I live in a basement, she rented a house. She feels nothing for me. She said "I tried to love you!" Heartbreaking. She chose to die internally rather than give me love. I am dead inside.d

    She still needs me to support our children and her. I told her the truth, I will always love her and she will never see me again. I will pick up the children every two weeks and that's it. I've had to take a hard line. My lawyer said, be good to her because she will eventually have the lightbulb moment and accept what she really did. I won't be around though but I will only love her in my heart. She is the one but how can you fight mental illness? You can't... I am going to die alone... I accept that.

    Life is strange. Love is not. My children support me in my vows and agree. I am their touchstone, their strength, their hope and standard. A marriage is not a throw away thing it is sacred. Goodbye my Love. See you in Heaven.

    she loves me loves me not. - rocker - Dec 3rd 2014

    even i have some thing share with every one,

    from the momnt i saw her i knew she was the one ,evrything was going gud ,but not now , all of a sudden she just stopped everything, she told she needs time to think abt her career ,she is not talking to anyone ,she is serious , but it was all only with me not with anyone else ,im just silent waiting for her ,talking to her once in a while, but there is one thing which i noticed she is depressed for no reason ,and frm the time there is distance between us everything is opposite,what ever she did with me every thing has bcm worng now, she says sme one else is better dan me now,but she even told there no one like me and she wats be marry me and be with me for the rest of the life, where is all that love now,and her best friend who is also with her has asked her to marry him,what the hell is going on,she even told she will marry him (in anger),i donno what to do ,she ignores me avoids me , dosent even say if she loves me anymore,all she syas is dont irritate me with ur words,dont force me,no one can see my pain ,my tears,there isnt a day dat goes by praying and hoping nothing goes wrong ,all that love just vanished , looking at  all the above stories i have no hope that she will be with me,   no one can solve this, the person who told im the reason bcz of which she is alive is about to leave me.

    Bipolar Ex-girlfriend - - Dec 2nd 2014

    Hi, this passage has clarified things a good amount for this case inwhich I'm in. About six months ago I met this girl. I'm not going to go into too much depth about our intimacy, just understand it was like no other experience in love, so strong, so real. Long story short We fell right in love and everything seemed grand as could be. About some months into the relationship, I had noticed a sudden change in her attitude towards me..towards alot of things. Not a huge change but very noticable in difference to her usual attitude. About a week passed with her acting weird and she had finally decided to tell me that she is infact bipolar. She tells me she had never been officially diagnosed but knows it runs in her family and has experienced many episodes. She has never been on medication and doesn't plan on going on any due to her doubts about the side-effects. I was shocked but willing to deal with this for the sake of her and our relationship. Some more time passes and I sense an even greater change in her. What was once genuine affection and nurture/care for me has now turned to pure neglegence within weeks. One night I was talking to her, and I just had to ask what in the world is going on with her. She had replied "I don't wanna talk about it...I don't ever wanna talk about.". The inevitable happened and she broke up with me over a text message. I had to talk, I couldn't just not even try to help such a decision. So I did, and she had distraughtly tryed to explain what was going on in her head, why she would come to such a conclusion when as short as a week ago she had told me how happy she was to find me, and how much she loved me. I left there agreeing with her that we would take a break. She had told me she needed time to herself for improvement and that was that. We took a break for a whole month, we still talked to eachother here and there. At those times, I would try to show and express my still burning love for her but she did not reciprocate. I should've taken this as a sheer sign that she had moved on but I was indenial. Hanging on the last string of hope, I couldn't take the suspense anymore. I have real bad anxiety and the guessing of what this whole outcome of the situation will be has kept me up at night long enough. So, I had contacted her finally, and told her that I think we need to talk. She replied "I think we do too.". At that point it just spilled out of my mouth the everlasting question that I've yearned to have answered, "have you been with anyone else yet?..". She played lawyer alittle bit at first, answering my question with another question. Alas, she replied "yes". I'm now here, after a month of the most sadness and despair I've ever experienced in my life, (I've been in love before, I have lost loved ones, my life is not new to tragedy.) feeling like a complete and utter fool. I now understand there's not much left between us at this point but I can't seem to comes to terms of closure for what this really was. Was it legitimate loss of love or the bipolar? I can't come to a conclusion. Usually a breakup is caused by something but this time... I just don't know. Never experience such a great, surefire thing just crumble without any way help to it..

    Nine years of bliss out the window in matter of weeks??? - AHP - Dec 2nd 2014

    My husband and I have been together for just over nine years. It was a meeting of minds and souls and it's been absolutely amazing. He's the most supportive, loving, generous person I know and everyone loves him. We have an honest and open relationship. Spend a lot of time together but yet give each other space to do our own things as well. As late as end of August (just over three months ago) he was still looking at me as if he worships the ground I walk on and I felt, and still do, the same for him. We have always said how lucky we are to have what we have and have never taken it for granted. 

    About two months ago I started noticing a slight change in him. All of the sudden, this gentle, loving man starting showing signs of snapping at me. We have never raised voices at each other or treated each other disrespectfully. Any disagreement has always been discussed calmly as neither of us likes an atmosphere. We have also had a high level of accepting each other a we are. That's why his sudden impatience with certain sides of me came as such a surprise. I raised it with him when it had happened a few times and he then said that he was upset about his grandparents getting old and frail (he's very close to them). The second time he was saying that he feels he has no personality, that he's no one. Yet this is a man who has always had a very healthy self-esteem. 

    In the last few weeks, it seems his attention has turned towards us as a relationship and all of the sudden he now thinks that WE are the reason that he's feeling this way. I have suggested he might be depressed, as he has shown no signs of this in nine whole years - just in the last couple of months. But he seems more comfortable with the thought that we are the problem, than it being something like depression. Like many men, in particular, he seems to be in denial about this. He even went as far as moved out for a few days to get some space. He did come back and we have agreed to work on it.

    To me it's very clear that he's depressed. I asked him whether he's happy with everything besides us and he said he's not happy anywhere with anything. He's not enjoying anything in his life at the moment. He's always been such an active person and now he feels like doing nothing. The good news is that he's agreed to get some counselling, but I still feel he's only doing it because I suggested it, not because he actually believes it will help or even wants it. 

    I'm trying desperately to be strong for both of us as he's like an empty shell, a walking zombie. I can't see any feelings or emotions from him except possibly irritation. He shies away from any closeness and that's very hurtful. I try to tell myself it's the depression talking and the lovely man I know and adore will soon come back. But what if he doesn't? What if he manages to destroy the most amazing thing by not accepting the condition? 

    I have signed up for counselling myself just to help me get through this and be the best support I can be for him and us. I just hope that it's enough because I couldn't imagine my life without him....

    To Elevator Comment - - Nov 29th 2014

    I don't think they are suggesting that everyone who falls out of love is depressed, but if you know your partner is suffering from depression or has symptoms...this could be why. It makes total sense and this isn't the first article I've seen on this. Sometimes people need to be on antidepressents to help them over a rough hump or just talk therapy for others. Why not try before throwing away the marriage and especially if there is no outside partners involved?

    Depression.. - Shocked and Confused - Nov 21st 2014

    I am going through this right now as we speak. I sensed something was wrong and to me it came on suddenly about him pulling away. I asked him and he told me that he doesn't love me like he should and he wants to just go live by himself. There is no one involved on either side. He just wants to live by himself. I asked him if he could just stay through the holidays for our son and he said he does not have a problem with that.

    I set up an appt with a therapist on how I can move on. I told him and said he would come too. He admitted his depression & ADD and when the therapist mentioned that ADD meds have been shown to help with depression, he wanted nothing to do with that. He said he's suffered from depression his entire life. We have been together a little over 22 years, but it has never been this bad. I didn't think our life together was that bad either. I work outside the home part-time and have other interests.

    Ever since he got laid off from an over 30 year career, he has never been the same or gotten over it. That was two years ago and then 1 1/2 years ago his mother passed away. He does not have to work and  him not having his job to go to has given him to much time to think about things. He feels he's not needed anywhere except for his finances.

    I feel so conflicted because when he first told me, we said we would try and see if we could make it work. Had date night. He came back into the bedroom (he went to the spare when he started snoring and stayed there it just became that way and shouldn't have). 

    When we went to the counselor the other day, he told him he came back in the bedroom for our son. I didn't even realize this was said until thinking about all discussed over the next couple of days. We talked about many things that night. The therapist told me to not care as much and get emotional. We are not to talk about things either. Now I am wondering if I should ask him why he's in the bedroom or should I let it go until our next appt which is not for two weeks because the therapist is out of town?

    I am hurting so much and am an emotional person to begin with (not bad emotional...just wear my heart on my sleeve person) and I need affection to show that we are trying. Any advice is appreciated.

     

    What happened - Shoked - Nov 18th 2014

    I met a guy through another friend. We chatted for w hile and we really connected since we shared alot in common.he told me he was very depressed and often described himslef as broken. We are both artists. We spoke for two months until i decided to move and see him in the other country that he was. his financial situation and state of family wasnt good. Though we spend some good time toghter and i stayed 5 months. And he told me i made him happy and everybody noticed his hapiness. i moved back to my home and promissed him i will be back after 3 months to see him for his birthday. during the first month that i was back everything was great. Altough he seemed to get deeper in depression again. we went from speaking everyday and video cams to chatting each four days. He initiated this attitude. He suddenly dropped everything inworked for. And finally told me not to come back forhim because he didnt feel anything for me and he was numb. He went as far as saying this was never love and love knows no distance and time. And also that he'd rather be depressed than depressed and uncomfortable. He said im thr best person he met tho he feels deep pain and some kind of relief. That hes hating himself and i didnt deserve him. He said his decision was made to leave. I was shoked because i never thought he would give up so easily on somthing that could have been so great for him And me. Its been couple of days and i have all his poetry books and drawing books that he gave me And i feel pain. I respect his decision although it hurts me lots. This article i find very comforting today. I wish he could have read it. 

    They don't fall out of love - - Nov 18th 2014

    They dont fall out of love with you its the depression it clouds their judgment 

    I disagree completely!!! - elevator - Nov 16th 2014

    What are you suggesting? If one person falls out of love with another one (and yes, there is ALWAYS A REASON!!!) then instead of leaving and finding hapiness elsewhere they should go on antidepressants????
    How mental is that!!!

     

    I wish my now ex gf could read this - - Nov 16th 2014

    This article really hit me hard. my ex gf and I had been together for 1 1/2 years. although it was a longer process to her to me she changed overnight. She started having serious panic attacks and anxiety attacks that lead to a relapse to depression. Two days after my b day she told me she wanted to kill herself. I was then cut off. The odd text and attempt to visit were shrouded but anxiety attacks and it was awful. It got to a stage after 4 months were I couldn't hack it anymore it was having to much of an effect on me not being able to help the closest person to me. She subsequently has told me she didnt love me for the 4 months I waited and she wants more or less nothing to do with me. She told me in a very complacent way that she changed and doesnt love me. To put it in perspective, we have spoken 5 times since may and we broke up in september. without sounding stupid is this a sign she did just stop loving me or could this be a classic sign on a depressed partners association with escape? 

    .... - - Nov 15th 2014

     I did the same 5 weeks ago... I broke up with a bf of 2 years.... I learnt this week he is depressed... He needs time...

    iI will let him sort himself out, if he comes back... i know we are meant to be together....

    i still love him and it is very hard, but I need to respect his status

    Losing the person I love more than anything - Stephanie - Nov 13th 2014

    This article really hit me. My boyfriend Matt and I have been together for 2 years now. Of course like every other couple we've had our ups and downs but we always seemed to get through them stronger than ever I feel like. We'll recently he has gotten extremely depressed. I had been noticing it for a while but he would never really open up to me, which always scared me because I was depressed for almost two years a few years ago. When I was going through depression, I pushed everyone away. And even turned to substance abuse to mask the pain and honestly having no one there for me made it worse to the point where I almost killed myself. I ended up getting treated for it and got a lot better. Now I'm healthy and happy. Or least I was, until Matt became depressed. Now I'm just extremely worried about him. We were doing great for so long, and then tonight, out of no where he told me he lost himself. He said he didn't know who he was anymore and that he lost himself. That worried, but what made it worse was that he said he thinks we shoukd break up. He said he still loves me. That he will always love me, but he cant do it. He cant be in a committed relationship right now. He can barely even explain himself. I told him not to do it. From personal experience, I told him pushing me away was just going to make it worse. He told me that the only time hes happy is when hes with me and that hes too codependant on me for his happiness and we have to break up. I don't know what to do. I begged him to not do it. To think about it because it would be a bad idea to push the only thing that supposedly makes him happy away. I honestly cant tell if he even truly still loves me and that scares the fuck out of me. I cant tell if he was just saying all of that to break up with me or if he really meant it. I love him more than anything in the entire world and I don't want to lose him. I want to help him beat his depression and get through this but he keeps trying to push me away. I don't want to see him end up like I had when I was depressed. Thats the last thing I want for him. I don't know what to do. I told him to really think about it tonight and that we would talk about it tomorrow. 

    I don't know what to do at all... Should I just let him go, even though it will kill me.... or should i keep fighting for this. 

    Please, someone, anyone, help me get through this..... I'm desperate.

    leave - vivi - Nov 7th 2014

    To deal with those selfish anxiety n depression partner..my advise is..leave and start a new life if their already avoid u..my experience taugh me i will been drag down and nearly die in depression becoz of my anxiety depression boyfriend.

    They dont have feeling for u anymore when they decide to leave u or withraw..that is their mindset..they just dont feel love anymore..and in their new relationship..some thing will happen just like in circle.

    for me i think its very selfish becoa they dont feel pain to leave u..they numb n wanna find happiness somewhere else. but leave u to feel pain.

    i will wont date with this type of people anymore. even with medication. becoz they will withraw anytimes..and feel no love for u anymore..set them free then they feel more peaceful without u and find new happiness over n over again.

    But if u wanna stay pain and become depress like them...carry on..but not me anymore..i have have enough of how selfish they become n change anytimes when they think they get hurt by what u say or do...Human being not a saints unless u set as robot n no mood...i not that strong n crazy to have ...even i do..they will feel nothing if they say he dont love u anymore...

    god bless...i will just say i be selfish from now..i have feeling too..depreess or not  go to depression centre and get help before u start relationship or else u will demage a normal people feeling one u say..i wanna out n leave...SUCK!!

    sorry...i hurt too much !! i m sick already i need out !!

     

    ringing true - in despair - Oct 31st 2014

    This  article is a godsend to me. My wife of 14 years has now had 3 episodes of depression and we have stayed together the first time, split the second and now effectively again this time.  All three times someone else has been involved. The same man the first two times, and one she had a brief affair with this time. All three times my wife has told me she no longer loves me and then regained feelings. This time though I'm really struggling to hang in. When her affair with our sons vest friends dad was exposed in may, we talked (before treatment started) and decided to see if we could find some of the lost love. Despite some contact between the two, she says he began to regain both love and attraction to me in June.  Because of my overbearing way of tgen being able to start to deal with certain aspects of the affair I looked too quickly yo regain the closeness too quickly (not sex I hasten to add) now she says she has lost not only all feelings but knows she will never regain any but wants to explore the possibility of a relationship with the man she had an affair with and although both started the affair for Nsa (him) and to replace what I couldn't give her at the time (me) and despite her saying she only loves him as a friend wants to put this obviously doomed relationship over her marriage and family. I kno there MUST be a limit to how many times love can be regained but how do I know the time has come to walk out on her and our family as she wants? She's been on antidepressants for 4 months and the docs say she'll be on them at least 8 or 12 before beginning to come off them. How long into treatment can I keep thinking her depression is masking her real feelings?? If someone could lend support I'd be grateful.  I'm in hell. 

    feeel like killing myself - syed nawaz - Oct 31st 2014

    Y is girl a stone hearted ?

    I loved a girl soo truely and we  were above to get engaged and she ditched me , it was 3 years of relationships 

    i still cannot forget her .

    How should i take out this depression in me . 

    how do i forget her ?

    exactly the same heartbroken - heart in pieces - Oct 27th 2014

    Im in exactly the same boat heartbroken although this is his first bout of depression... 

    Confused and hurt. - Mslee1 - Oct 25th 2014

     My boyfriend of 3 1/2years suffers from anxiety. It started about a month ago. He's in the military and has had a lot of stress built up due to deployment and stepping up to more responsibilities. Most of his friends are either stationed elsewhere now or are deployed. He's also getting out spring of 2015 so we'll be moving back home and starting school next fall. I know right now for him it has to be very overwhelming for everything to happen so closely together and his friends leaving, it's a lot to digest. 

    But any who. He's been seeing a strink every week, taking yoga classes, and meditation. He tells me he's trying to get better and needs to focus on himself, but still wants to be with me. But I've notice a slight change in his behavior towards our relationship about 2 weeks ago. When I come home from work now he doesn't say hi or even look at me. He's shutting me out and I don't know if it's because of his mental state or he's forfeiting our relationship? At times I feel like he just wants me around for comfort, knowing he's not alone.  He was totally jolly 2 1/2 weeks ago!?! 

    He doesn't like to be home alone. Has a hard time falling asleep, likes to tug on his hair or POps rubber-bands. He also mentioned his fear of dying. 

    I'm a pessimistic, and I'm trying so hard to be very supportive, patient, and helping without being so negative, but it's very hard. 

    How can I help him and deal with our stringy relationship? Is this normal behavior for someone that's suffering from this? And if so, why so sudden?  Is this anxiety or is it depression it's so similar in ways.

    and tonight he finally spoken to me and broke up with me. He said he doesn't know what it is but he doesn't feel the same way. It's nothing I did or said, just something he though about this week when he seen his therapist.... What do !!!!! Please help if there's anti thing, maybe it's due to his Condition :((

    My wife resents me - Val - Oct 23rd 2014

    I am in hell ! I found out that my wife to whom i have been married to for 7.5 years, has been having an affair for more then a year, she now wants a divorce and blams me for her depression. She has been depressed after the first year in our relationship and has never gone to see someone about it, we have 3 kids together (one is my step-daughter). She says the only way that she can be happy is to divorce me. She admits that when she leaves the house she is happy but when im around she is not. I love my wife dearly and wants to fight for our marraige, but she refuses to try and work it out. She is unemployed now recently and sits at home feeling misreable. She now wants to rush the divorce as she sees this as the only solution. I need help, she does not want to talk to a therapist about her issues.

    thank you delete button - me too! - Oct 16th 2014

    DELETE BUTTON we are THE same person!  I write crazy long angry emails and then I read them, and then, I delete them. I know that much of what I thought was crazy but I still need to get it off my chest. When I can reread it, I see how ludicrous it sounds, but in that moment, I feel like I mean it and I am so pained by my hurt (often over meanial things) that I cannot see beyond my own pain. There are still sometimes where I wonder if my anger is justified...I  was so happy to read your post.

    DELETE BOTTON - - Sep 16th 2014

    I can relate to this Doc 100% this happens to me constanly. I want to break up with him thinking stupid negativity thoughts about him . I feel that I dont love him but when i kick him out i feel like my heart is crying with such pain , its so painful the pain i feel when his not next to me but then I really convince my self that I dont need him nor love him . At time i feel like i dont love anyone not even family but i know i do . I know i fall into depression but i have will power to bring my self up . I usually write all my feeling down even if they sound crazy  then i hit the DELETE button . It does help  & i can shake it off and start fresh(bipolar maybe)

    left with his baby after a year of livnig together - - Sep 13th 2014

    if was great,he was great.we planned our perfect little family,as the sleepless nights got harder he became more intense when I asked him to help with the baby,"no you do it" I was left to do everything after a couple of months he punched walls and kicked walls and resulted in enjurys which he was delighted with so it became even more that I had to do everything for him and my baby.few weeks went by id say are you feeling better to help with lucas now,"ah not yet its still a bit sore" a few months went by still the same answer and when it finally came to that day that he was better I asked him and hed still refuse,he chose just to make bottles every night and nothing else,no getting up in the mornings to feed him.only when he felt like it.a year went by and I was asked to move out with my son by his mother,"its for the best she said".he said he wanted a break and demaded it.I was told by his father "that child is sick" and i was getting the blame for it because I asked him to help out with his son.our little family is no longer and im heartbroken.to this terrible selfish deiease.the I dont love you escape!.

    Heartbroken - Depressed bf of five yrs dumped me by tx - - Sep 8th 2014

    It's his third bout of depression in the last year but this time he has completely ended in. Says he is terrible, he can't do this anymore, I must get on with my life and he has to get on with his, he also said he won't change his mind and all the plans we made he simply doesn't want anymore. 

    I am sorry to say it, but depression is a dam selfish disease. How can someone who has been  a wonderful partner for five years suddenly walk away from everything at the drop of a hat? 

    The sad thing is, deep down I want to reunite with my bf, my feelings were so genuine I feel let down 100%.

    Sudden break up - Tina - Sep 2nd 2014

    My boyfriend (ex) broke up with me last week out of nowhere. We were together for couple months. He has mentioned before that he used to suffer from depression because he could not get a job he has always wanted. I thought it was something normal to feel that way so I didn't really think of it as something serious. His father and brother have seasonal depression. On our 3rd month, he left me because "he wants to be single" and "he is sure that's what he wants" and "he doesn't know how to fall in love".  Those times he was under a lot of stress due to his demanding job and exams. After 3 weeks, when he was on vacation and "having a good time", he contacted me saying how he really feels for me and see a future between us. Then just last week, he was stressed again with work and suddenly said he doesn't want me and he wants to be happy. He mentioned prior to that that he feels deppressed. I tried to help him but he wanted to be alone. so now I'm left heartbroken again. I don't want to give up on what he's going through but right now, I'll let him figure things out Because the more I'm helping, the more he pulls away. All his brother told me was to "take care of him".  

    So what do we do? - That Guy - Aug 14th 2014

    This article EASILY describes my wife.  Over the years of our marriage she has attempted suicide (early on....it was essentially my wedding present) as well as communicated on several occasions that she doesn't and has never loved me.  Most recently, she is attempting a new form of self-annihilation in that she is abandoning her long-held faith.  She has become a vicious atheist, claiming that the church's teachings are abusive and hateful (all while continuing to ask for help from said organization because it suits her needs).

    I could go on for hours, but my question is essentially this:

    "What should we, as spouses, do when confronted with this unreasonable, depressed, and ultimately unmanageable person?"

    Also, do you recommend documenting her aberrant behavior in the event of a divorce.  I would hate for her to be given custody of our children.  I don't believe she could manage it on her own.

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    Confused - Trace - Aug 12th 2014

    The past five months me and my girlfriend have been going through some things, in the begining things were great, she was unbelievable like someone from a dream, I admit from past relationships i had trust issues but with her i didn't have those she is very loyal.  I have been praying these past few weeks and fasting asking God and Jesus why is she being like this with me now, i feel like she is someone else, i even asked her who is she, it felt like Quantum Leap, like someone else took over her body and living in there.  Our relationship was a secret we both never liked it because she was 18 and i was 23, now she is 19 and i'm still 23.  Secret because her family are strict Christians and Haitian at that so they are old fashioned.  When her parents found out about the relationship it was a challenge after that but i supported her and helped her, i talked to her parents but they were against us being together and demanded that either she leaves me or moves out to be with me.  She told me she wanted to kill herself, she almost did her parents called me and threatned they would tell the cops it's because of me she almost commited suicide, i called the cops and told them what happened, they took her to a mental hospital, she stayed there for about a week, they gave her treatment i thought she would be alright.  I visited her, still called her, and she eventually moved in with her sister afterwords.  She couldn't stay at her parents house because they were indifferent with her, giving her silent treatments, her father wouldn't communicate with her, her sister silent with her, she felt awkward at home.  I was happy when she moved in with her older sister thinking our relationship would progress, but instead she tried to break up with me, i told her i wouldn't do it, and that she was just being destructive.  I mean this is a girl who almost gave up everything for me.  She told me she is happy now, her sister doesn't give her stress, things are alright, she loves herself, the reason she loved me back then is because she didn't love herself enough and that she feels like she doesn't need me anymore.  She wanted new rules in the relationship if it meant for it to work.  Like no more sexual activities, only kissing was alright with her and another (private) thing we used  to do.  I told her i can do without those things but i knew that wasn't the issue.  Every time i would kiss her it felt like i was kissing someone else like a man in her body pretending to be a woman, even her expression looked like there was something wrong.  She admited that she feels nothing from my kisses, and think they are gross.  She feels that calling me is a chore now, not something she wants to do.  and before she went to the hospital she could stay on the phone with me for 12 hours and not get bored.  With her being at her sisters place i felt like things would get better but it seems to be getting worse.  Also after she left the hospital she often would avoid social media places like her facebook page, or calling her friends, i gave her my phone to contact to them but she didn't want them to know her issues, and strayed from them, but she is excited about going to college and plans to meet with her girlfriends (no sexual relations).  I don't know what to do.  When we go on dates some moments feel nice but when i kiss her or try touching her she doesn't want that, before it wasn't like that.  We did go through a pregnancy scare she says she doesn't want that to happen again, i assured her it wouldn't since i'd refrain from intercourse till we are married.  When we did something exciting like swinging from a tree, i grabbed her and kissed her, she told me that was a real kiss that time because she was excited.  I don't know what form of depression she may have but she took lexapro while on the mental health hospital, she has her prescription but hasn't been taking the medication, i wonder if the medication made her like this because she wasn't like this before.  I really love her and don't want to lose her, she said she'll leave it up to me to break it up because she is dragging me down with her and she feels broken.  Talking to her on the phone is difficult at times she talks and there's those quiet moments when she just doses off on me and makes me want to hang up, she tells me i have too much free time and she wishes i was more busy so i wouldn't call so often.  I don't get why would someone who risked it all to be with me now is willingly telling me to go and doesn't want me anymore.  I'm confused with what to do with her, i'll give her some space but i feel like that won't work, she'd probably be happy about that.

    Confused - heartbroken - Aug 6th 2014

    The love of my life is depressed and is distancing herself from me. She can go out with her "Friends" and have a great time and claims she is only happy then. Her depression is killing me and our what was the most incredible love both of us ever had. How do I help her? Is it possible to get back what we had? I love her so much but i feel hurt and helpless.

    Now I am the one broken - Hurt - Jul 31st 2014

    I wish I would have found this article sooner. The love of my life announced to me out of the blue last August that he was depressed and breaking up with me because he didn't want to drag me down with him.  He kept saying he is broken and it had nothing to do with me.  I tried to convince him he was not dragging me down and I will give him plenty of space and don't think he needs to be alone in this.  He had his mind made up and moved into a hotel 1/4 mile down the road.  At first, he told me he just needed to be alone and get through the depression.  Later, he told me he didn't love me and is not sure he ever loved me.  Yet at Christmas when we talked on the phone, he said the best Christmas he ever had was when he was with me.  I know for a fact there was not another woman in his life.  I didn't understand what was going on, but since he said he didn't love me I felt I had no choice but to distance myself.  I still answered the phone when he called and replied to his text messages, but I stopped initiating contact.  Last month he committed suicide alone in that motel room.  Now I am the one broken.

    Wow, I wish I had found this article sooner! :0( - Call Me S - Jul 22nd 2014

    My boyfriend and I have been good friends for over a decade. Last fall, we started dating and we fell in love because we had already loved alot about each other and it seemed natural. It wasn't 'lusty' or 'rushed' by any means. Two very good/best friends fell in love. We had a wonderful relationship and our friends and family were very excited to see us together and he even proposed (unofficially). After 3 months, we moved in together (my apt.) and things were great. The only issues we ever had were my dog (yes, my dog was territorial but we had planned to fix the issue with training when we could afford it) and that he quit his job prior to moving in because it was a hostile environment and he thought he'd find another job sooner. He tried and sent out applications and resumes and seriously made alot of effort. He also helped around the house, alot, and I always acknowledged and appreciated everything he did. I worked TWO jobs to support us and it wasn't a problem in the beginning. By the next few months and him still being unemployed and bringing in very little income from a side business he had, he started to seem depressed, moody and inadequate. Mind you, he is the type of man that is a man and wants to take care of his woman/family by being the bread winner. He started to feel like a loser because he wasn't contributing much to the bills and I always told him it was ok because if it were me in his shoes, he'd do the same. This past May/June (beginning), he was able to land a job he loved and was so excited about! But the training didn't start until mid-July. Everytime we had an issue with the dog, he'd get frustrated because we weren't able to be as close and affectionate as we had always loved to be. We couldn't sleep in the same bed (we'd alternate the couch, but usually he slept on the couch because he wanted me to be comfortable), we couldn't sit together and cuddle on the couch and although he knew what needed to be done and always said we would work together and be patient until we could afford it, the frustration built up even more. He said it felt like we were "roommates". I agreed but told him it wouldn't be like that forever once we moved and got our dog trained, etc. Well, mid-June, he started hanging out with a newer group of friends and was out late a few times during a convention. the first few days of the convention were fine, and he always called or text to let me know what he was up to and how much he loved and missed me, etc. But then a few days later, we broke up. Part of it had to do with my insecurities (which were uncommon), but I was hormonal and for some reason, I felt some 'distance' between us. The day we broke up, he said he "had lost that spark" and I was very surprised because we had that spark a few days prior during the convention (he gave me the most romantic kisses and expressed his love and how much he missed me later in the evening). I was shocked when he told me that and so we broke up. The next day, I had realized that maybe I was the one that pushed him away because I kept 'entertaining' the idea of him wanting to break up with me and subconciously he did. But he was crying on the phone and said he missed me and that we BOTH needed to work together and that he wanted to work on the relationship. I was very happy about that because it didn't seem right that we even broke up. We were ALWAys able to resolve issues and never had any major ones like this...

    For the next few days, it felt different... he still felt a bit distant and i felt like I was walking on eggshells. I gave him plenty of space to 'figure things out' and thought we WERE back together until the following Monday when we spoke for hours about everything. He said we weren't back together but he did want to work things out. I was confused about that and later that evening, I told him that I was glad we spoke about everything and glad he wanted to work out our relationship, etc. But we couldn't do it living together but I wasn't kicking him out. He just couldn't stay at our house and needed to find a place to move his things (I was giving him a couple of weeks, which I think was plenty). He was shocked, at first, and even put up a front but understood. That evening, he cried so much and said I hurt him, he loved and missed me and even cuddled and slept next to me, while still crying. I told him I missed all of that and that we would get back to that point soon! The next few days from that, he'd stayed at his male friend's house (on the floor i guess) and then stayed at our house until he went out of town (Vegas) for another convention. Even that morning, there were tears (from him), saying how weird it was not seeing me all the time and that he missed me. Even that afternoon, I text him to say "have a great weekend. I do miss you". He text right back with "Thank you! I miss you as well!!!" I decided not to bother him to give him "space" while he was out with his friends and working the convention in Vegas.

    Two days later, I find out on Facebook that he is in a relationship with someone else! You can imagine how shocked and hurt I was. I immediately unfriended him, I didn't reach out or anything and I was very upset. He didn't call or text me about it. I thought it was a joke, at first. The girl he was in a relationship, I had seen her name before but didn't know her. After extensive research, I find out this girl also works at the same place of his 'side business' and she's been there for about the past month and a half. She can be deemed "cute" but she's also skanky and an attention whore. Not trying to put her down, but her profile clearly has a ton of selfies showing cleavage, her backside and definitely feeds off comments from men and women. She's alot younger than my ex (he's 36, she's 29... I'm in my early 40's). She's a heavy pot smoker, drinks alot (practically everyday according to her posts) and isn't private about anything on her online profile. 

    Within that week of their official relationship, she's professed her love to him, she wrote a ridiculous song which actually tells you how she had a boyfriend but broke up with him to be with mine and how she wanted my boyfriend. From that, I assume she was "there" for him and he probably told her about our relationship and the minor issues we had. She took advantage of that and ended up looking like the "fun" girl - a shiny, new toy! Well, she took that spark from me... They live together (all within a week of dating) and it's been a month and he really believes this girl is offering something more than I did. His parents don't like this girl, neither do his friends or me - for that matter. Because of his current behavior is "not him". He started drinking again (because of her), he turned down that great job he got that was to start in July, he's lost alot of weight (he was trying to get healthy, but he looks sickly), he doesn't talk to any of his close friends. We ALL agree that he is NOT himself and is on a path to self-destruction. It's all because of this girl and I know some of it has to do with the depression mentioned in this article but he's in "la la land" right now and we know there's nothing we can say to change his mind. This rebound relationship he is in can't last, can it? They moved way too fast and she seems to be controlling. They're always together, he doesn't call his family (he used to quite a bit) and he says his friends are being "weird". No, they don't like what he has become and what he did to me. We DID have a great relationship until the very end. He even said more than a few times how wonderful and lucky he was to be with me because I am always so supportive and took care of him while he was "down and out". What's surprising is, today, he actually spoke negatively about me and our relationship - stating he was unhappy (in comparison to the one he's in now). I looked at our past posts to see if there was any unhappiness, but I can assure you there was not. The break up was amicable, we were civil and we still loved each other very much (his words, too)... until the debacle in Vegas, of course!

    I forgot to mention he still was living with me when they got together. He came back almost a week later and called (finally) and said we needed to talk about what was going on - he left a voicemail because I didn't answer his call. I also changed the locks the day after I saw the post on Facebook, by the way. He tried to come by that day he called to get some of his things. I gave him some of his personal belongings (clothing, computer) and left them on the porch but told him what time they'd be out there. The following week, he asked if he could get more things. I allowed him to come inside the house to see our dog (that he loves as much as I do), and when he came up the stairs, he was crying (so was the dog becaue he was so happy). He came in to talk and cried alot, said his life was a "mess" and his family wouldn't speak to him, his friends wouldn't... he was so confused and wondered how did this "happen to us"??? I just shrugged and let him do all the talking. He was very apologetic and I can tell his was genuine. I could also sense that he still had feelings for me from the look on his face, the sorrow, the tears, etc. when he left, he grabbed me and hugged me so tight and apologized and begged for my forgiveness but understood if I wouldn't and he cried then too. He GAVE me all his furniture (couch, TV, stand, tables, dresser, desk, etc.) and asked me if i wanted to keep it. He loved all his things, especially that TV. I said "ok". I still have some other belongings of his but he has NOT been in a hurry to get any of it back. I wonder why sometimes, but have an idea. 

    Anyways, sorry for the long story... but it clearly sounds like he has this type of depression. But I'm a little too late to recognize it because he's gone and no longer with me. :0( I still believe this new relationship is a 'rebound' and me, his family and friends truly believe in about another month or so, the "shiny newness" will wear off and he will realize what's going on. What do you think? Any advice you have is greatly appreciated. 

    He is a great man and a very kind-hearted person, but is not acting like himself and is certainly on a path to self-destruction (his family and friends' words that know him all too well). Thank you for your time. :0) 

    Could be anhedonia the cause for this feelings of frustation and confusion ?. - - Jul 22nd 2014

    My boyfriend and I we were living together for 1 year and half and we have a relationship of one year and a half. We both around 30s. He really was the one to convince me to move together. So far we really love each other and we really enjoy do lots of activities togther like cooking, travelling, partying or just watch TV. Always been really carefull and supportive and he was making lots of plans for the future but a strong feeling of frustation and confusion make him  waked away and go to his parents.

    Suddenly, like 5 months ago he start to feel less desire, and start to compare sexual relations when he was younger with ours, he was doing it in his brain not saying a word to me, after a while he told me. We went to the doctor and help and he start to feel better.Now (after 3 months) we both have been under a lot of stress and this feeling came back worst until the point that he just left home because he feels frustrated and confuse because his desire comes and back, and he dont believe we deserve that.

    We never stop to have sex but now we have less for sure maybe 3 times or 2 per week. The problem here is he dont feel the same desire than before for me and he dont enjoy having sex with me ( sometimes yes and sometimes no) and that totally frustrated him.Now he is smoking more than before and he can find some comfort with porn. On my side I was not feeling so in the mood to have sex enither but in a way is because of all of this and because Im in very stressful period as well. The day that he left our home, he was shacking, really destroyed and confuse. .

    I can not really explain all my case in detail but i read your article and seems like fits very well of what just happened to us. He told me again that he love me and i saw him after a week that he left and he is not looking good at all, he is a having really bad time and lost weight. He dont know what is going on but he really feel frustated about these feelings.

    He left and we broke up, but inside me I know that there is something stronger than us that we dont know that is causing these. We dont fight and we really have a great balance  but the most important we love each other and we had a great plans for a future together.

    Thank in advance.

    For Lost - LB - - Jul 13th 2014

    LB speak to your Doctor. You need help to get you through this as it's not going to go away by itself. It's time to be strong and make that step to getting yourself and your girlfriend happy together again. Your love for her will return when you've got the help you need. Make that appointment and go get help :)

    Lost - LB - Jul 13th 2014

    My depression has been there for a year now.. i met the girl of my dreams... I love her to pieces... Yet today I lost all feeling fully I feel I should just leave and it will never get better. I've had these episodes But i knew deep down she was the one. However today all the feelings have gone i don't even want to kiss her... But some where deep down I still want to be with her? I just don't feel like doimg anything? What do I do? I don't really want to leave because she feels the one for me? So what do i Do?

    Exactly same situation as above re partners cold and emotionless - crystal - Jul 10th 2014

    How does this happen? a lot that I read here is what my family is going through with my husband and he is ruining everything again. My husband has been diagnosed with depression 6 years ago and is on meds.  He was on 100 grams and then went on 50 grams when he got better. yes this has occured before but he did get better. 50 grams was not treating him though as he is now reacting the same way as before after beating this depression. 2 weeks ago, I caught him taking a phone call outside the house hiding which he's never done before. He is no longer interested in being with his family anymore. No more holidays, no dinners, no family conversations no show of affection and I am walking on eggshells constantly.  Stays in his den after dinner every day. Doesn't say I love you any more as he used to.  Amazing how the mind can do this and hurt people. He is an angry, cruel and cold stranger all over again. He went out last week and said he will come back home on Sunday as he will be drinking so cannot drive back. I don't want this again... I would prefer him to leave because he is not good for me or my son. I tried to save our marriage previously but am I supposed to save again today and again when it reoccurs in 3 or 4 years?  Luckily, I am in a better place today than I was last time.  Last time, he broke me with his cruel words and decision to leave (which he never had the courage to do) and abandon us. He became verbally abusive and almost physically violent to the point I nearly called 000. I had to move him out of our bedroom. I cannot believe this is happening again. This man used to hug me everyday and say you are my everything. Today he says he cannot live a life of family only. I catch him lying and he could be cheating... I don't know. I feel ill and sad thinking about this.   We have been together 19 years. I guess time will tell... Ill try to hang in there for my son who will be devastated if we do end up seperating.  

    Husband distant... Feels empty at home and goes out with friends all the time - Chanel - Jul 10th 2014

    My husband of 19 years is going through the same experience and it's affecting me and our son. He's a stranger. He hides phone calls, lies, doesn't talk to me anymore, feels happy only with his friends and doesn't tell me who they are etc. we've been through this 5 years ago and he sought treatment got better and has a relapse. Since march 2014, he's been different while displaying the same loveless emotions of 5 years ago. Hates being at home. On his phone all the time, Facebook etc. 46 years old but mentally 20.  I am so tired and don't want to deal with this again.  I wish he would leave however if I ask him to leave, I stress over my son and will this cause him problems. 

    Do they get better or is this our life now? 

     

     

    Love of my life is emotionless to me - KP - Jul 9th 2014

    My wife and I will be married 20 years in December. Approximately 2 years ago, I had to find a job out of state to support the family. My wife asked me not to go but I convinced her that for my sanity I needed to leave the state to support us financially. I promised that I will return home once a month and come home for good in 6 months no matter what. After a month, my wife said that something snapped in her. She became more independent (good) but no longer felt connected to me. She began to drink daily, go out to clubs, leave the kids (15, 11, 9 at the time) by themselves late at night. When I would come home on my montly visit, we would have great sex, I would feel loved, but little did I know that my wife couldnt wait for me to leave. When I returned home for good (found a job close to home) on New Years. I found my wife was another person. She was secretive, alcohol-dependent, quick to anger, self centered, absent as a full time mother, and resentful of me. She refused to communicate or explain all the selfish behavior and I reacted as a jealous husband thinking she was having an affair or on drugs. I became obsessed with all the strange numbers, late night clubbing and her obsession with going to the neighbors house to drink (she had a sexting affair with the neighbor's husband briefly...she initiated it).

    I didnt know what to do. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and uncared for. Six weeks ago she said she wasnt in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken. She said my reactions to her acting out are a trigger to her and she wants to flee. I fell into a depression. This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm more in love with her than the day we married but she is not attracted to me alll of sudden. She wants to be alone (even though she goes out to club and spends all night out with people I never met).

    Three weeks ago, when we returned from dropping off the kids at their grandparents house for the summer, she tried to kill herself with sleeping pills and wine. She wanted to drown herself in the tub but I was there to call 911 before she could fill the tub. I found her past out in the bathroom. She was in the hospital for 3 days and sent to a mental health facility for 5 days. She said when she awoke in the hosiptal bed, she was looking for me and wanted to stay with me. While in the mental health facilty, she was precribed Lexapro and said she felt better and her racing thoughts were gone. She tore up the divorce papers when we got home.

    Now, two weeks later she feel the urge to flee again and wants to be alone. She hasnt even been on the medication for two weeks. She has already drank alcohol again, against the advice of doctors, and she told me that she wants the newness and excitement of interacting with different men.

    Im so lost. I cant save her from herself. She has to want to get better and choose her family. I miss the woman I married that love me, cared for me, and love to express how much she loved me. The woman before me cant even praise me with her feeling like she is going to vomit inside. Her depression and anxiety are poisoning our relationship. It seems she chooses the manic state and the intensity of being \\

    I told my bf about feeling depressed - - Jul 5th 2014

    I recently tols my bf I've been depressed, when he responded he said I don't know how you could ever let yourself resorto to feeling like that, no matter what I was never taught to ever feel like that I could never, you have a good family a job what else do you need to make you happy. Now I just have to sit here and play the waiting game for you to feel better, I felt so disrespected by the way he responded, instead of love and support he turned it into my problem and I don't know how to respond

    june 7, 2014 - daeiramos - Jul 5th 2014

    i experienced the same with my boyfriend. he was always a happy and loving person. I can say he was perfect. I just noticed he is  often depressed due to financial setbacks in his family. he suddenly broke up with me and i felt he was so insensitive the night he left.

    i still try to fight for what we had. i did everything to make him realize it was the best relationship one could ever have. he is unresponsive.

    its been a month now and i still do know what to do to arouse his love back.

    in a snap he changed. its so devastating for me.

    Left devastated - Jackie - Jun 30th 2014

    To cut a long story shot my husband of 30years left last Septemeber, he has been left unable to do relationships due to stress, pressure and workplace bullying.  He suddently announced he could not do us anymore and suggested a trial separation (decided he'd gone to sort his head, to separation and now Divorce) this came as a total shock. He came back to the home hugged me said he loved me then he didn't know and when I challenged him if I met someone else could I have a relationship with them he said he was frightened, he's always been jealous.

    He has pressed the self destruct button on his entire life, left the home our relatinship and family and now his job, he has become cruel and angry and is certainly not the person I married.  He has said he does not wish to hurt me emotionally and thinks by leaving we are better off without him, he's even emailed me and told me he's living a better life to then email and say he's not mad just unhappy?  We his family no longer know what to believe but we all know he has depression and won't seek help.  Sadly as much as we care and love him we've had to cut off contact to protect ourselves, he's even said to a Mental Health Manager that the Psychologist sessions he had at our GP's surgery were useless, yet told me the guy had helped sort his head.  It's ben absolutely heartbreaking, we've been there for him and are all willing to support him in anyway we can but he has pushed us all away.  Our kids want nothing at all to do with him hearing that from them has been the worst thing I've ever had to hear.

    exactly the same predicament - mark - Jun 25th 2014

    It is so strange as I could almost have written this myself, we have been married for twenty nine years with a few ups and downs but mostly happy with a good active sex life. My wife now has changed our two boys are now in their twenty's and she feels they don't need us anymore. She runs to her freinds house all the time she can and stays overnight on saturdays.She won't even go out anywhere with me now, she is moving further away at a rapid pace, I try to pull us back together i want to go back to how things were but she is having none of it. I have tried so hard trying to make her come to realisation about what we have, how lucky we are and how we will lose everything, I have devoted my life to her and the children and she also, how can she switch off so intensly as if the past means nothing? I feel desperatly sad and lonely I love her so much but not as the person she seems to have turned into.I don't understand I have never been violent but frustration over the situation has made me regret things I have said and done.I can not beleive this is happening.

    depression ruins our relationship - TER - Jun 25th 2014

    My boyfriend and I have grew up together we have always been close friends and later on naturally it developed into love. He however suffers depression and has for years for a long time he has managed to cover it up and act almost like everything is ok but he has these moments of anger and uncertainty, He finds it incredibly hard to be close to people including his own family he hasnt had the easisest of childhoods and has been exposed to more then he should of and he said to me that he doesnt really like many people. When he is in a good mood and things feel a little better and his head is a little straighter he loves me an incredible amount he tells me things like he gets excitred when he thinks about our future and im life then when he is on his low he becomes lazy, he over sleeps he gets irritable angry and tells me he questions our relationship and wonders whether we are meant to be or not?

    As im sure you can appreciate this is incredibly hurtful we share all these amazing moments and fall in love and he tells me he loves me and that he wants me to be with him forever then he doesnt..

    6 months earlier before I was aware of the depression he got very close to me we were madly in love settling the idea to move out together then two weeks later he ended it with me for no apparent reason just said he was'nt happy and did'nt feel the same for me anymore it broke my heart and I couldnt work out what it was that I had done wrong seeing as a I got no real explanantion he said to me that he loved me unconditonally still it just was'nt working for him

    I had no choice but to move on with my life and he eventually began to see somebody else which killed me, I use to keep in contact with his mum who was also a sufferer of depression, she said to me that non of my stuff had been removed from his room and that he was totally miserable and slept far too much which shocked me because I didnt see that I thought he was better off without me?

    Just over christmas we exchanged presents for his siblings and presents for me from his mum, we began to chat more and then he started texting me, he said that he was a silly little boy and hes grown up more now and he regrets breaking up with me it makes him angry what he did to me and he broke it off with the other girl because he still loved me and nobody was me he now realises he said his head was in a dark place and he chose to ignore it rather than face it. After much consideration I took him back and we was as strong as ever madly in love and our relationship felt amazing, 6 months later however again the same thing is happening he is questioning me and our relationship saying maybe we're not meant to be and that he thinks we should end our relationship it literally happened over a course of 2 weeks we were fine or so i thought we was then he went down hill rapidly and wants to break up, hes going to seek help and said he will talk to the doctor about our realtionship but i cant help but feel he is just too easy to give up on me and us when he said he would spend the rest of his life fixing my heart

    I get its probably the depression speaking and I told him that but he is so negative he cant see sense in anything he said he needed a break from our relationship to work out what is wrong with himself and to look at our relationship with a clearer mind, im heart broken I miss and love him so much I just worry that another 6 months on he will feel the same again especially now he is seeking help and I will have moved on because one part of me feels I cant keep putting myself through this but one part of me cannot imagine my life without him im torn to know whats right and wrong these days if anybody could give me any advice or opinion it would be much appreciated thank you.

    Trying to be the Rock - - Jun 11th 2014

    My wife left me suddenly a month ago.  While I admit that we had our problems, they are all fixable.  Our most common aruguement was about household responsibilities.  My wife also had problems communicating.  I also didn't make it easy for her.  I know myself much better than she does, and I can articulate thoughts much faster and better than she could.  She would express something, and I would try to understand it by asking more questions or challenging assumptions.  And honestly, sometimes I wouldn't agree with what she was saying.  However, I always tried to see her side, and I would think about things she said for days, trying to understand her.  These discussions were not all that frequent.  However, I know that she didn't think she could aruge with me, and I thought I was doing things right by being open and honest.  I see the error of that now.

    Anyway, back on point, she suffers from anxiety and depression.  She's had a rough childhood with some violence that was never addressed or even talked about.  To her family, it is like it never happened, and she has to face her attacker in order to have "normal" family moments.  She's never really addressed these problems.  

    In addition to her childhood problems, we have recently had a lot of external changes happen at once.  Our house suffered a flood that destroyed a lot of it, but we had to live there.  She is in school and facing the biggest test of her life along with all the other stresses of being in a highly competitive program.  Her family is having health issues that she is forced to deal with because the people in her family who should deal with it won't.  I started a new job.  My teenage daughter recently came to live with us.  It is enough to overwhelm anyone.

    She decided a week before she took action that she was going to leave.  She pretended that everything was fine.  My daughter and I had no idea that she was planning something.  We went to dinner together, we laughed, we made love, she said she loved me.  She withdrew a little, but I thought it was due to her test.  I was mistaken.  She woke me up one morning and said that she was leaving and there was nothing I could do.

    The day she left, she told me that she was depressed and that she needed to learn to be happy on her own.  She said that she didn't love me like that anymore, and that wasn't anything I did.  I let her go, but it was/has been devastaing.

    Since then, she has gotten more vicious.  She said that she has never loved me, and that she didn't miss me when I was away.  She has said that she is in the best place she has ever been in her life.  I know that these are lies that she is telling herself to rewrite our history.  We were in so much love that we both went to amazing lengths to be with each other.  We were soulmates, but now she wants a divorce as fast a humanly possible.

    I know this isn't really her.  She wouldn't ever consider abandoning our daughter after she asked her to come live with us (less than a year).  She's still in the middle of all this stress.  I don't know what to do.  She thinks she is doing much better since she can focus only on her test, and she can spend time with her new friend (female not sexual) and do the things she wants.  However, I know that she will regret this once the dust settles.  She wants a family, and she wants children.

    She denies an affair, but part of me does wonder if she is telling me the truth.  I love her more than anything.  I will gladly weather this if at all possible.  I won't let her walk over me, but I will work through this.  I don't know how to help her.  I want to save my family, and I want to save her from this mistake.  I'm so lost as to what to do.

     

    Anything helps.

    boyfriend changed over night, forgot/lost the love he had for me - dee - May 23rd 2014

    I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years. Everything was great. We lived together, talking about marriage, went to join our bank accounts together...he said he was in love with me. one day he gets very scared about losing me , so unusually scared and at the same time happy and excited that he had to be taken to the emergency  room. I thought it was lack of sleehp but then two days later he told me he wants me to be his friend and that he only loves me as a friend but that it was a good thing. He moved out, doesn't call me or look for me.  if he doesn't see or hear from me he's ok with it and if he does its no big deal is just like seeing any of his other friends. I don't get it, it's so confusing and heartbreaking. I just can't accept that he doesn't love me anymore. This just started and his family is now looking into which psychiatrist to take him. I was trying to stay around him but it hurts when he treats me like any other person and his family think it's better if I keep my distance for now and give him space until he gets the help he needs. I'm trying but it's so hard to be away from him, to not talk to him when only a week ago we were planning our lives together.  I'm torn between sticking around and waiting for him to get better or trying to move on because I keep reading about how it's never the same, he's never the same, they never feel that love again...

    I felt so in love before my depression - amanda - Mar 15th 2014

    Hello I am a suffer of depression and anxiety all my life... quit school due to it. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me to death and he is my world! I was truely and madly in love with him. Last year was a very heard time for us. We both suffer from depression and always felt stuck due to his mother. We would fight bc of her and clean after her. It was a mess.. lately since December I have been suffering from depression and anxiety but now it seems to have calmed down alot but I feel like I am no longer in love with my boyfriend... there is so much in life I wamted to share with him.. but now that I don't feel it anymore... it's hars to so the future right now.. Ive always been afraid of the future of him not being mine anymore.. now I feel as though my fear has come true.... he is truly the love of my life but I read so much stuff online that ot caused my depression and feara to morph into real feelings.... next week I am gonna try to be put on something bc I felt I never needed to take aanything but now that I see what depression has caused me to feel for my Boyfriend I need it... is there a way to save my relationship.. I get deeply depressed when I think he won't be mine and that he'll be with someone else... please my depression feels gone but yesterday I felt like killing myself badly.....

    Jeannette - - Jan 16th 2014

    History of abandonment=likely or predisposal to be borderline. Let him be alone, otherwise this could become a push pull sort of behavior. Take it from a borderline. WE subsconsioucly give people the world for about 7 to 9 months then by that one year mark full blown depression sets in. There's no one size fits all behavior for everyone but if he's still back and forth with his father at this point even though he's been put through so much by him, then there's a high possibility he is going to repeat these behaviors in many relationships. 

    This is my boyfriend (ex)! - Jeannette - Jan 10th 2014

    I started seeing the most amazing man last May. We found each other after both having gone through so much.The more time we spent together, the more it became obvious that this was ‘it’. Fast forward to 1 month ago. Things were still wonderful. His father, who’d had really bad health, became even sicker. “J” had to go to him. “J” had a very long history of abandonment, resentment, etc. with his father, so this was not easy for him. Having a 21 year old son himself, he really wanted to set the right example. Anyway, he fled to his dad’s state to be by his side, and he passed away 1 week later. He really wanted me to go with him to the funeral, and to be with him for support. I did. That’s what you do. Needless to say, there were a lot of feelings coming up that he didn’t expect. A lot of anger, a lot of sadness, etc. We got back home, it was Christmas – another stressful time in its own. I noticed him getting a little more distant in this time, and I completely understand that considering what he’s going through. 2 days ago I volunteered to not come over to his place, to give him space, and he told me that we needed to “talk”. He didn’t feel that his love for me was as strong for me as my love for him. OMG. I’m devastated. I know this probably has a LOT to do with him grieving and not being able to handle any other emotion at the moment. When I asked him when he’d started feeling ‘not as ‘in love’ as me’, he gave me a very specific time of 4-5 weeks, as opposed to a wishy washy response. This is basically the time he started dealing with his dad. He said he’s very sorry, he wish it could have worked out, but he feels that my feelings for him (just in the last few weeks) were much stronger than those he felt. He has suffered from depression in the past after a difficult divorce and began taking medication (pretty high dose) for 3 years and stopped taking them 3-4 months into our relationship thinking he was better. I need some hugs. I need some advice. I need some help.

    Break up issues - from a man's perspective - - Jun 29th 2013

    I have been with my girlfriend for about 15 months now. We were great together, been on holiday a few times, both get on with each others family brilliantly, lots in common. 

    The past 2 weeks I have noticed a big change in my behaviour. I woke up one morning and started doubting everything. My job (which i have only recently started, better money, better hours) i havnt been getting on as well with my parents and sisters which is unlike me as we are all close. But most of all my girlfriend. Weve never had a real argument in the time weve been together. She was sadly diagnosed with viral meningitas last year and I have spent a lot of time caring for her, it has meant that we havnt been able to enojy things as much because she is poorly so often. But i have never doubted that i didnt want to be with her until the last few weeks. 

    We, like most couples i should imagine, planned everything. We were due to move in to our first home this autumn. We talked about kids names, weddings, holidays. But now i am scared about all of that. 

    I went and saw a doctor to see if it was me and he said it appears i have a mild/moderate form of depression and that i do need a little bit of help. But what is causing it? how do i find that out?

    I broke up with my girlfriend to see if maybe it was the relationship that was the issue, maybe i didnt love her as much as i thought? maybe i needed a bit of 'me' time with the lads to have a few drinks and let my hair down a bit? but ive been out a few times and all i do is wish she was with me. i cant enjoy myself because i miss her so much. I know i still love her but i dont know if its enough, i cant let go but i cant say i want to stay with her incase i break her heart again.

    Advice needed, grateful for any recieved.

    Thank You - Mary - Jun 23rd 2013

    Thank you so much for your write up on depression and relationships. I was in a somewhat bumpy relationship with my boyfriend for the past four years, and he was the most loving expressive compassionate man I've ever been with.  He was the safest person in my life, and my best friend.  My pillar.  But four months ago he got really weird on me! Literally went from planning when we were getting married and saying how much he loves me to three days later, saying that he doesnt feel the same way about me anymore and that his feelings are changed. I was so confused, thought it would pass.  His personality completely changed, and I took it personal.

       I went through the different phases of depression fallout during the last four months.  This last month, I realize that it isn't my fault and that I didnt cause his weird behavior.  He has suffered from depression and anxiety LONG before me, and he admitted that he might need meds.  

        I am taking good care of myself physically emotionally spiritually and doing my best to love this man when he is so hard to love right now.  If and when I feel that I absolutely must let him go, I will.  I have put up boundaries for unacceptable behavior, and I let him know that I will not tolerate disrespect.  That being said, I have given him the space that he NEEDS and DEMANDS.  He comes to me when he needs love and nurturing, and sex.  I gladly give it to him.  He calls me to check in every day, and it's SO HARD not to be needy.  My old behavior would have let fear get the best of me, and for the sake of my ego, I'd take off.  But no, I truly love him and I have faith in him.  I let him know this.  I know the heart underneath all this depression and I know he will come out of this.  I really hope that I can be in his life when this passes, even though this is something that isn't guaranteed.  

        I do question if I should be having sex with him.  It's challenging at times because as a woman, I need that emotional intimacy and he's just unable to give me at the moment. Any suggestions? Thanks.

    Depressed Boyfriend breakup out of nowhere - C.P. - Jun 2nd 2013

    this sounds exactly what has happened to me recently. Me and my ex-boyfriend were great together and we had a lot of good times. I would say our relationship has been put to the test several times but it has always drawn us closer. About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a change in him. He started going to bed earlier, not texting me as regualry, and not showing any effort in seeing me. i eventually brought this up to him and he got very angry at me. It was an anger which is really not like him. He told me that he is just not happy anymore and we broke up. although 2 weeks prior we both we doing great and went on a great vacation together. The change seemed to occur when he got more hours assigned at work. He was somewhat depressed when we first were together and he has low self esteem. He told me I was a great girlfriend because i did so much for him. He even bragged to people about how great I am. So this whole break up shocked me. He even went as far to say he never loved me right when we broke up. Everyone I know says otherwise and I know he loved me 2 weeks ago. i'm glad I read this article because it has really helped me make sense of all of it.

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