Email a link to this page to: Type the code into the box:

Resources Basic Information Effective Teams in the Workplace Building and Managing TeamsDeveloping Dynamic and Fully Functioning Teams Managing Stress and Burnout at Work Stress Management TechniquesMaking a Work Plan Work for YouStrategies to Keep Work Stress at Bay5 Signs of Emotional Exhaustion at WorkTime Management to Prevent Stress A Stress Survival Guide for HR ProfessionalsHelping Employees with Mental Health Issues Get Back to WorkSecrecy at Work: A Growing Phenomenon Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills Developing Assertive CommunicationCreating and Maintaining Quality RelationshipsConflict at Work: From Problem to Productivity Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy SkillsNon-Verbal CommunicationSocial Skills Career and Financial Considerations Defining a CareerQuality of Life ConsiderationsInformational Interviews and MentoringEducationFinancing and ValueFinancing and Value Continued Building Knowledge and Skills Changing Your Knowledge, Skills and Abilities and CredentialsPersonal Knowledge and Informal LearningPublic, Documented Knowledge and Credential ProgramsLearning Knowledge vs. SkillLearning Knowledge vs. Skill: PracticeTime Management and OrganizationTime Management and Organization: Commitment Mapping Latest News How Do Your Work Relationships Affect Burnout?One in 10 Workers Could Be Exposed to Coronavirus Weekly at WorkNurses May Need Suicide-Prevention ScreeningSome U.S. Workers Are Bringing Toxins Home to Their KidsWorkers With Cluster Headaches Take Twice as Many Sick DaysEmployers Need to Do More to Help Breastfeeding Moms: SurveyEven Female Bosses Face Sexual Harrassment: StudyMany of America's Most Critical Workers Are Short on Their Zzzs3 Easy Deskside Stretches to Keep Muscle Pain at BayAs Manufacturing Jobs End, Opioid OD Deaths May RiseLots of Overtime Could Send Your Blood Pressure SoaringAHA News: How to Keep Year-End Deadlines From Ruining Your HealthSleepy Nurses Could Put Patients at RiskLife Expectancy Shrinks for America's Working-Age AdultsSome Jobs Are Better for Women's Hearts Than OthersAHA News: Your Eating-On-The-Job Problems, SolvedConstruction Workers at Very High Odds for Opioid and Drug AbuseHealth Tip: Handling Job BurnoutLosing Your Job Can Be a Real Heart BreakerCab Drivers Breathe in Way Too Much SmogHealth Tip: Reducing EyestrainOnline Learning: What's in It for You?Health Tip: Stay Healthy at WorkLiving With Repetitive Strain InjuryToo Often, Caring for Aging Parent Means Trouble at WorkHealthy Work Lunches Are Hard to Come By1 in 4 American Workers Struggles With Back PainWellness Programs Take Hold in American WorkplacesYoung Adults With Autism Need Jobs, But Resources Vary By StateCan Pregnancy Put a Damper on Your Career?Sit All Day at Work? Exercise Can Counter ThatHow to Make Your Workplace a Healthier OneAre Workplace Wellness Programs Worth It?Suicide Rates Fall When States Raise Minimum Wage: Study Questions and Answers How to Handle an Employee Who Tells Obvious LiesNew Job New ChancePromotionHelp For Aging Human Service Professionals?My HealthRelationship With My Boss #1Relationship With My Boss #2The Professor and MaryanneLusty BossSexual HarassmentAn Affair in the Workplace Blog Entries A Stress Survival Guide for HR ProfessionalsConflict at Work: From Problem to Productivity Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy SkillsHelping Employees with Mental Health Issues Get Back to WorkMaking a Work Plan Work for YouSecrecy at Work: A Growing PhenomenonEffective Listening in Small GroupsMental Health Software Project Management: Getting Started on the Right FootCan You Truly Be Yourself At Work?The World of Work - Have We Got It All Wrong?The Vortex of Violence: The Columbia Mall Shooting and BeyondAre Workplace Wellness Programs Worth It?Amazing Grief: When Resilient Magic Springs from the TragicBeware of Secondhand StressWhy Do We Dread Sunday: The Power of Anticipation?Work, Stress and HealthBuilding Stress Resilience and Organizational Hardiness Despite Doing "More with Less"The Visionary Emperor EncounterBe So SensitiveCareer Choices and OCD - The Right BalanceWant to Change Careers? You're Not AloneStressed at Work? You're Not AloneBooster Breaks at Work: Hit or Bust?Engaging and Energizing Audiences through Purposeful Play: An Interactive Exercises Model and MethodThe Final Five "N & N" Tools and Techniques for Saying "No" (and Meaning It) - Part IIITaking It Easy Can Actually Boost Your ProductivityThe Greatest Barrier and Passageway to Effective Communication at Work: “You”!Stress and Depression, Those Monday Mornings What I Learned about Engagement, Motivation, and Leadership from a 13-Month Old - Part IRescuing and Rejuvenating a Manager at the Bureaucratic Burnout BattlefrontAdding Insult to Injury: When a Type A-Driven Company Shuts Down Workplace Grief - Part ISeven Keys to Mastering the Message, the Medium, and the MeetingDesigning Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent Phone/Web Conferencing: Part VIDesigning Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent Phone/Web Conferencing: Part VDesigning Electronic Conferencing that's Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent: Part IVHow to Relax When Faced With School and Work StressWhat are the Real Roots of Workplace Stress?Designing Electronic Conferencing that's Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent: Part IIIDesigning Electronic Conferencing that's Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally Intelligent: Part IIDesigning Electronic Conferencing that's Effective, Efficient, and Emotionally IntelligentBurnout and (Vicarious) Trauma-Inducing Work Environments: Part IIISurviving the Conference Call Battlefield: Skills and Strategies for Successful Small Group Phone Conferencing - Part IISurviving the Conference Call Battlefield: A Contentious Case Vignette - Part IBridging the International Corporate Geo-Cultural Divide or Presenter Beware and Buyer Be AwareTo Retire or Not, A Complicated DecisionAre You an Engaged Workaholic?Understanding CriticismLoss, Ghosts, and the Stages of Grief: Part IIGrieving the Sudden Death of a Beloved Mentor, Manager, and “Man for All Seasons”Are You Ready for Productive Griefbusting in the Workplace?Productively Focusing Job Interview-Performance Anxiety: Transforming "Perfection" into Purpose, Patience and PossibilityDepression and Stress at WorkPursuing a Job, Self-effacement is Self SabotageShould I Change Careers During an Economic Recession?Managing a Work Life with DepressionWork and Family, are Boundaries Fading?To Succeed or Not to Succeed, That is The QuestionNo Slouching HereA Discussion of DisappointmentGossip: A Form of Workplace WarfareWork Place Climate, Depression and Job SearchingWhat Should I do Now? Recession and UnemploymentOne strategy you’ll want to know to be less stressed and more focused at work and life! Burnout, What It Is and What To Do About ItWhat Can You Do When You Have No Idea of What to Do?Sexual Harassment in the Work Place, An ongoing problemStress and Obesity, Do You Ask for Help? Videos Working your way to Better HealthPromoting Health in the Workplace The Multigenerational Workplace: Understanding and Hiring MillennialsDisclosure and Workplace Accommodations for Individuals With ADHDThe Psychologically Healthy WorkplaceCarpal Tunnel: Who Gets It? Unemployment and DepressionADHD in the Workplace: Finding Success Tips for a Healthier Workplace Using Technology and Social Media to Support Workplace Health ProgramsThe Art of Stress-Free Productivity: David AllenHow to make your workspace ergonomically correct The 3 Step Process to Deal with a Sexual Harassment IncidentResolving Conflicts with Coworkers or Family Members5 Problem-Solving Skills to Manage Workplace Stress8 Habits of Resilient LeadersCan Work Stress Hurt Your Heart? New Frontiers in Workplace Health Links [4] Associations[1] Employment[2] Government[5] Information[14] Journals[1] Services[18] Videos[1] Apps Book Reviews Chained to the DeskCoping With Difficult PeopleCrossing the Unknown SeaFull Steam Ahead!How Full Is Your Bucket?How Successful People ThinkLife StrategiesMind MappingNot Your Mother's LifeProcrastinationThe Art of Exceptional LivingThe Creative BrainThe Magic of Thinking BigThinking for a ChangeTreating People WellWelcome to Your BrainWhen Perfect Isn't Good EnoughWhy Smart Executives Fail

Related Topics Mental Disorders Autism ADHD Alcohol & Substance Abuse Anxiety Disorders Bipolar Disorder Conversion Disorders Depression (Unipolar) Depression Primer Disorders of Childhood Eating Disorders Dissociative Disorders Impulse Control Disorders Internet Addiction Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Personality Disorders Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Schizophrenia Sexual Disorders Suicide & Self-Harm Tourettes and other Tic Disorders Medical Disorders Alzheimers And Other Dementias Cancer Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease Colds and Flu Crohns Disease / Irritable Bowel Diabetes Epilepsy Heart Disease High Blood Pressure Memory Problems Men's Health Multiple Sclerosis Sexually Transmitted Diseases Sleep Disorders Stroke Women's Health Wellness Anger Management Emotional Resilience Exercise Mindfulness Positive Psychology Smoking Stress Reduction Weight Loss Life Issues Abuse Adoption Child Care Dating Disabilities Disasters Divorce Domestic Violence and Rape Elder Care Family & Relationship Issues Grief & Bereavement Issues Pain Management Parenting Parenting Child & Adolescent Development Overview Child Development and Parenting: Infants Child Development and Parenting: Early Childhood Pregnancy Infertility Child Care Relationship Problems Self Esteem Sexuality & Sexual Problems Speech Problems Terrorism & War Healthcare Health Insurance Health Policy & Advocacy Health Sciences Mental Health Professions Treatments & Interventions Alternative Medicine Assessment Medications Psychotherapy Lifespan Development Pregnancy Child & Adolescent Development Overview Child Development and Parenting: Infants Child Development and Parenting: Early Childhood Sexuality & Sexual Problems Homosexuality & Bisexuality Aging & Geriatrics Death & Dying

	Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Blogs about inhabiting this present moment
Will Joel Friedman's Homepage · Bio · View Full Archive · RSS Feed

In the Absence of “You” & “Me” in Past and Future Time, Workable Communication Arises in Presence

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
—Robert McCloskey

If we try to listen we find it extraordinarily difficult, because we are always projecting
our opinions and ideas, our prejudices, our background, our inclinations, our impulses;
when they dominate, we hardly listen at all to what is being said....
One listens and therefore learns, only in a state of silence,
in which this whole background is in abeyance, is quiet;
then, it seems to me, it is possible to communicate.
—Jiddu Krishnamurti

Instead of droning on for the umpteenth time about effective communication at work being tied to using “I-messages”, eliminating lectures / blaming, / shoulding / sarcasm / signing up others to take responsibility, and not using ultimatums, threats and punishment, this blog will simply offer what can be considered both the greatest barrier and passageway to effective communication at work: “you.” The premise of this writing is this: in the absence of “you” and “me” in past and future time, workable communication can arise in presence. “Yourself”—your fictive or imaginary ego-mind-self, or what you think of you and what others think of you—may be the most widespread addiction (just ahead of suffering, thinking and work) and greatest barrier to effective work communication. Paradoxically, this hocus-pocus dreamed up self is equally our greatest growth opportunity to grow beyond and gladly shed.

Our egos wonderfully serve us in the functions of a reference point for the duality of subjects and objects in the world, a normal healthy developmental stage at age two and offering a plethora of skills, abilities, intelligences and tools to survive and thrive. It is purely the fourth function of the ego or mind as who we think we are, the one most discussed when the word “ego” is brought up, that is the most problematic. Without blaming, demonizing or villainizing the ego, consider that this developmental stage contributed by recognizing our being social animals with interdependent needs and helped develop empathy in mutually beneficial relationships. It also overstayed its usefulness in running our lives.

When we are not awake and unconsciously hand our lives over to our ego-minds in being swept away by past memories and future expectations, our ability to communicate at work becomes all about meeting ego desires and employing ego defenses to get them. Eight ego desires are suggested: security, money, sex, power, pleasure, expediency, fame and pride. Take a look. Are not the most prominent ego desires at work—security, money, power, and expediency—most evident in the phrase “my way or the highway”, that is, being right and another is wrong? What is beyond the mind’s ‘right-wrong game’? What can be done to catch and release the ego-mind, that is, ourselves, and open room for mindfulness?

Since what we all receive in communication is filtered through the screens of our ego-mind’s past conditioning with all its biases, survival decisions and core beliefs, it is crucial to begin to see each. Once the lenses and filters are fully seen as not who we truly are and acknowledged without reactivity, then they have no power or charge over us since it is not who we actually are at all. Once honestly recognized for just what it is, each tends to quickly fade in a deeper understanding of just what it was in the first place. In this moment the ego-mind is seen as purely a concept that doesn’t actually exist in reality at all. Free the ego, and who you truly are is free to be, and responsively communicate at work.

Since the ego-mind is the repository of past conditioning and only appears to function in the dead past, it has no defense against presence (along with humor, irony, paradox, compassion and love). The ego-mind knows nothing of being present since it is endlessly preoccupied with the past and projecting it into an unknown future. Have a direct experience of presence by watching, following and feeling your breath, without feeding any thoughts or any sense of time, and notice the absence of any “me” or “you”, your ego-mind. This experience of relaxed silent sanity is quite rare and sweet for human beings. It is in this space of presence, the ego-mind’s blind spot, that allows us to stand back in witnessing it, much like a fish out of water can notice the water it unconsciously swims in. Witnessing all the shenanigans, fears, attachments and idiocies of the mind, one cannot be it. We’re now free to listen and respond well.

It is here in the space of presence and witnessing that inner silence can arise to effectively communicate, all outside the ego-mind’s chattering, desires and defenses. Without the need to be right or take any positions, you can simply hear another’s needs and be responsive in moving things forward. Here are three crucial “take-aways” that can immediately be engaged to significantly improve matters:

• The function of the ego as an imaginary sense of self can block effective communication.
• Access presence with the breath; witness mind, its past distorted filters, to be free of it.
• From the sanity of presence, without being driven by ego desires, positions and defenses in past or future lands, simply listen to needs and be responsive to move things forward.

Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. is a seasoned clinician in private practice in Pleasanton, CA in the East San Francisco Bay area. Licensed as a psychologist in California since 1987 and in the field since 1976, he specializes in Presence-centered therapy principally with adults and couples. Presence-centered therapy is a conscious attuning to the richness of this present moment (sometimes called mindfulness or wakefulness) along with witnessing, that is, observing what the mind is up to now by looking from outside of it. His practice is centered upon inhabiting this present moment, witnessing and "buying out" of the ego-mind's unworkable patterns, desensitizing root emotional charges, and gaining effective tools to thrive in the world. He specializes in providing therapy for adults facing anxiety, significant stress, work issues, relationship challenges and depression as well as couples with marital issues, communication issues, self-defeating behavior, divorce mediation, co-parenting and pre-marital counseling. Core to his approach is installing, building and developing strong internal resources, an enhanced capacity to hold, bear and tolerate strong emotions, and highly adaptive tools to better thrive in the world.He can be reached directly through his website www.willjoelfriedman.com (featuring over 215 articles, 27 YouTube videos and pages upon pages of highly practical annotated resource links) or by email at drwilljoel@comcast.net . Dr. Friedman is available for business consulting, business training and executive coaching (detail on his home page).

Share:

Email a link to this page to:

Type the code into the box:

Link: (Here's how to do it ... )

To link to this article:

1. Copy the HTML link code shown in the box just below.
2. Paste this HTML code into your blog or web page, into a forum post or a blog comment you make, into your Facebook feed, etc.

<a href="//mhn.centersite.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=49745&cn=207">The Greatest Barrier and Passageway to Effective Communication at Work: “You”!</a>

Thank you!