I feel as if my negative past experiences have dictated how I live me life and somehow, as hard as I try, with previous and extensive counseling, I can't shake it off.
I should start by saying my problem is my incredibly low self-esteem and self-doubt. I doubt my level of attractiveness and ability to succeed constantly. I have felt this way for about 6 years. When I was a college freshman 6 years ago, I lost my virginity to rape. I was very inexperienced before this happened. I never had a boyfriend. My self-esteem just sunk to a low and I wasn't the same. i felt like I was treated like a piece of garbage, just tossed out and forgotten after I had lost my virginity.
After this happened I became very promiscuous and had casual and random sex to fill the void I had inside me. I would go from man to man, trying to feel some sort of closenss to someone, that someone cared about me and made me feel attractive after the rape. Every time, I would feel crushed when nothing came out of it. But I continued on this path because I wanted to feel wanted. From this feeling followed substance abuse with alcohol and marijuana, but I cut substances significantly after graduating college and going through counseling to explore my issues.
Now, I am two years out of college. Even though I let go of my subsatnce abuse problems, I am still left with the same emotional problems. I vowed to live a life of responsibility and consideration for myself. I got a job, worked out, and took care of myself. But I still felt ugly and unloved. I had gotten plastic surgery, lost weight, bought expensive clothes, skin treatments, etc. I told myself, "now someone will love you because you are trying to be more beautiful." But my self-esteem is still so low that I can't even fathom anyone loving me. I costantly think I am not attractive to anyone, no good for a relationship, only good for sex.
I am so afraid for men to get close to me emotionally and intimately that I find myself only comfortable being in sexual relationships where they leave me after they are done like in college. I detach myself when men want to get to know me more. I get scared, back off, or don't even approach men the majority of the time as I worry they will be so offput and wondering, "why is this ugly girl talking to me?"
I just want a man to get intimate so I will feel attractive and wanted, and not leave. I long for love. I am so jaded, bitter, and sad for a 23 year old girl. I wish I didn't feel this way so I can experience what love has to offer. But I cannot love myself first, which is the first step.
Should I see someone for how I am feeling? I approached counseling once and I reverted back to my old ways even more so. I can't shake this off and am pleading for some advice.
Thank you very much for your time
THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.