I Am A Loser
Hello, i'm a male of 27. I am principaled, honest (almost to a fault), ambitious and for someone I care about, very loveing and affectionate. However, I am a loser. Let me give you some background. As a child of about nine I became extremely cynical. Every member of my family has hurt me irrepairably but I still "tried" and was ultimatly unsuccessful. By the age of fourteen, my system shut down. I felt nothing. I started to grow out of this at 18 but to this day I still can't find myself worthy of affection. I was and still am incapable of takeing part (being and integral member) in social gatherings, group settings, or any social activity involving more than one on one discusion. At age 25, by a girl only looking for a fling while her husband was on the road, I finnally got laid(right or wrong I had to do it). Just as I suspected, sex wasn't important and I couldn't have even had sex with her unless I cared about her. We fell instantly in love. A curse that she rectified subtley over the next six months. Which brings me to my problem. The problems we had together weren't her being married so much as they were my lack of experience. I wasn't taking the initiative in certain parts of the Relationship that she expected. For example, I would ask her if she wanted to have sex instead of saducing her. In other words I never "showed" her that I really wanted her I was just seeing if it was okay to have her. However, I thought I was being nice to her (for the first time a guy that didn't controll her or try to just have his way with her). When she expressed this to me I was disgusted(disgusted being the only word I know to use but I don't really know how I feel about this issue) and feeling like she wanted me to controll her which is something I feel is wrong for two reasons 1-it shows that a women is insecure and instead of learning or dealing with things she is trying to pass the "buck" to the man and 2-a man who tries to controll things in such a way is insecure in himself or is simply careless of how he treats others. I simply didn't want her to have sex with me unless she wanted to because she was easily pushed into things. So, upon asimilation of this new experience, I decided to try again with a new woman. It was only about a week before we were arguing constantly. She was upset with me because I didn't try hard enough. These two experiences have put me in such a state that I don't know what I should do. I feel like I have to become an asshole in order to keep a girlfriend. This is an unacceptable change. I feel like there is no hope because wemen seem to expect the guy to make the moves which is understandable to a degree as far as first dates go but on personal levels I feel things should be mutual. I am comfortable with the idea of being without love but I need to know if I should change, I should find more emotionally stable wemen, or just settle into a nice calm life of me and my friends. I would like a female perspective on this issue. Thanks for reading this.
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