I've always thought I was a normal person, but the more I grow older, the more I begin to think that maybe I'm not. I'm not by any means old though, I'm 21, and constantly think of doing extreme acts of violence against everybody I see and ever meet. I haven't acted any out, so far they live in my mind and I plan on keeping them there as long as I can. I currently work nights cleaning a supermarket by myself as I feel that's probably best for everyone, but I think that soon there won't be anywhere left for me to go. Is this all part of the "growing-up" process, do I need to live with this until it just goes away? Is it normal to have complete conversations with yourself? I do so, it seems to calm me down and I always assumed that's what everybody did because that's what my father did, until it was pointed out to me that it isn't normal at all. I know this, yet I don't feel angry, sad, or even depressed. These are things I'd like to bring up to a professional face to face. I've sought help in the past but found almost none and the little I have found is no use because I cant afford any of the costly by-the-hour counseling sessions, I really don't make a lot of money and with no money it feels like I wont even be considered. I only see two choices so far, to do myself in or to do something dramatic to force the government to help me. Is there a number I can call or some kind of government institution that helps cases like mine? Or am I just doomed?
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