Hello Dr. Schwartz, I have a question for you. I am a 22 year old male who has in the past occasionally read erotic fictional stories that revolved around sadistic sexual fantasies. First of all let me explain a little about myself. I am a loving kind young man, who is going to college and actually majoring in Criminal Justice. I have a sister, and loving parents who are still together , and was raised in a really relaxed loving family. My parents have always been there for me, as has my sister, and close relatives (I could talk to them pretty much about anything). I am not a bad looking young man, but I have never had a girl friend in a serious relationship. Well around my late teens (17-19) I came across some erotic fiction that revolved around rape, non-consensual forced sex. Most of these stories turned me on because they were "fiction." I am completely able to understand the difference between fiction and reality and would never want to harm anyone or thing in real life. And I never have. Some of these stories (maybe 5 out of around 300) had minors in them (some were quite young). Now granted, in my mind I don't think it was the fact that it had minors in them that turned me on. I believe it was mostly just the "control, forced" aspect of them. Also I never specifically went looking for fictional stories that had minors in them. I came across them on various authors websites and liked the writing style of those authors, so I read them. No pictures, or anything that is illegal. I would of course never get involved in any of that. Now granted that I can still get aroused by regular pornography, is this something in your mind that raises an alarm? I have told my sister, my really close friends and close family, about this problem (it is very embarrassing, and as I look back on it, probably was a bad judgement call). I have never had a fantasy or thought about doing any of these things to anyone. I am currently on Effexor for anti depressant and (General Anxiety Disorder). I worry about things that I have done in the past, like what I just wrote to you. I am a very honest person and usually like to get rid of baggage thats why I like asking for professional's opinions etc. on this issue. I guess it just makes me irritated that I got aroused by a "fictional story" that revolved around such heinous activity? Could it be that because these things are taboo that maybe that is why it turned me on? Even though I have never been turned on by thinking about these things in real life? I have always only been attracted to women my age, blonde hair, tan skin. etc. I just want to be able to raise a family, and make a living and have a loving wife and kids that I can take care of. But would that woman still love me for who I am if she found out about something I had read (that was fiction) in the past? Should that be brought up in a relationship? Thanks for your advice, Dr. Schwartz I look forward to hearing back. P.S I just worry that people would think I'm some freak or something. I am not a real rapist or pedophile. I'm pretty sure I would know that by now. All my friends say it's no biggie because they know who I am, and it was a fictional story etc., etc. Thanks.
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