Guns and Suicide
The Harvard School of Mental Health just published the results of a study that examined the relationship between household firearms ownership and the rate of suicide. According to the study suicide among people 45 years of age and younger suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in the United States. Among the 50 states in the United States, those with higher rates of household gun ownership had higher rates of suicide among children, women and men.
It is important to understand, according to the study, that the higher rates of suicide among those who own guns has to do with the fact that guns are much more lethal than other methods of attempting suicide. What is troubling about this is that suicide attempts are viewed as a desperate call for help among those who are depressed or mentally ill with a psychotic illness. The rate of successful suicide completions is far less for people who use other methods than using a gun. For example, 75% of all suicide attempts are by the use of drugs. These people are found alive 97% of the time. Those who succeed in using drugs to attempt suicide are successful only 3% of the time. By contrast, more than 90% of all suicide attempts by use of firearms are successful. The bottom line is that anyone using a gun to commit suicide is not likely to have their call for help heard and responded to before its too late.
A large number of those who commit suicide by gun shot are adolescents. Teenagers tend to be more emotional, depressed, anxious and impulsive than most adult members of society. When you add to that the fact that teens abuse alcohol and drugs, adding to their depression and emotionality, the availability of a gun makes them extremely vulnerable to a successful suicide attempt.
The study concludes that either those who own guns lock them away with bullets stored separately from the weapon or that guns be barred from the home. The study emphatically states that people are less likely to die when guns are not available.
What is troubling for me as a mental health professional is that guns are so easily available to children and teens at a time when the rates of mental illness and drug and alcohol abuse are increasing. Suicide rates are increasing at an alarming rate among those between 15 and 24 years of age. The rates of suicide attempts are much higher than those that are completed which becomes even more alarming because of what it says about the state of desperation so many young people are in.
In my opinion, simply making guns less available is not the complete answer to the problem of suicide because it eliminates a method and not the cause of such despair that leads the young to attempt such an awful act.
In future logs and essays we will discuss the adolescent stage of life with the aim of getting a better understanding of who they are and what pressures they are subject to in today's world.
What are your opinions and experiences? Your input is not only welcome but is encouraged.
Self Ownership - EK, Cambridge, MA - Jul 12th 2014
As an educator and practicing physician myself, I understand the therapeutic mindset that motivates practitioners to do everything we can to alleviate suffering. And there are important differences in the nature of somatic diseases, like cancer, and the cognitive diseases mental health asserts are chiefly the precipitants of suicidal ideation. Most patients suffering from somatic disease want to live. They want to be free of their diseases so they can get on with the business of their lives--enjoying the company of friends and family, realizing their professional and personal potential, traveling and experiencing life free from the encumbrances of physical debilitation. If we can provide them an escape from physical disease, they are happy simply to be.
In my experience this is very often not the case with those suffering from so called mental diseases. Many are socially isolated for factors they may not be able to control--such as their community's reception of these individuals' idiosyncrasies or group identification. One such involuntary group characteristic that carries substantial social stigma is advanced age. Individuals who find themselves chronically alienated--by family, long-time friends (who may have died or relocated...), community--may lose motivation to exist. We are social animals, but the quality or quantity of social interaction cannot be guaranteed by dint of the very fact that we're all free to choose whom to interact with. Therapists may attempt to provide suffering individuals new perspectives on their lives or to equip them with better socialization skills, but these goals are by no means guaranteed to be successful. While I'd like everyone to be happy, if we cannot provide others even contentedness, then I'd argue it is sadistic to demand they continue enduring lives they loathe.
The debate over the causes of \\
Tired of it all... - Maurice - Jul 3rd 2014
Ive tried to kill myself by sleeping tablets w/ alcohol.. by hanging myself... by slitting down my wrists to bleed out.. but nothing ever works.. Im tired of dealing with everything it just piles on an on and NEVER stops :'(
Stop Considering Suicide As An Option - - Nov 5th 2013
If you have a gun "just in case", sitting there as an option in case things get really bad, or you're thinking of that relative that has them in his living room that you could borrow, then you aren't doing yourself any favors. It might feel like a "safety net", but it's actually dragging you down. If you've ever considered suicide as an option (I know I have), then it makes it really difficult to care about anything else. Put it out of your mind and start taking care of yourself! You CAN feel better. I've learned taking medication doesn't have to be a cop out, but part of taking care of myself.
Suicide Fails - Nathan Gordon - Oct 18th 2013
I tried to commit suicide for 5 years now, I so hate my life I just wanna die so badly.
these are my attempts failed:
Eating non-toxic glue
Eating Blue crystals made in science
Overdosing on paracetamol tablets and i took 20 a day
Getting a eletric cuted by sticking siccors in the eletric socket
Cutting my wrists with sissors
Im thinking of taking alcohol with lem sip day and night tablets i hope it works. :) Give me good luck to commit it and die.
Prep work - - Sep 1st 2013
You know, after several failed attempts do to what another website called a "pesky will to live" I figured out what it would take: Alcohol. I realized that I care less about that I am doing after a bunch of drinks. Thank what-the-hell ever for Sunday liquer sales.
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being cheated on, mentqaly and emotionaly abused, and just all around feeling like shit. It's not so much that I want to die, but really more of that I am tired of living like this. There are diffrent kinds of hell. Suffering insuide while people just spit platatudes at you is one of them.
I work as a nurse for an ER. I see what happens when people try to get help. Locked up, no food, no going anywhere, no interatcion . Nothing to do but contemplate where shit went wrong. We lock them in rooms and leave them untill they get transported to an inpatient unit. They leave there even more broken. Homeless, no money, no belongings. Just dumped on the streets of Atlanta. I AM NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!
If I could give advice to anyone who is doing this: DO NOT TELL ANYONE! They will make you siffer worse than before. I've seen it, im guilt of it. Did so much shit wrong. I don't know if I deserve this or what I deserve. Maybe I brought it on myself.
I don't know what else to say here. I suppose this is the closest I'll ever get to a real suicide note. I can't care anymore. I'm drink and I hurt, and Im tired of feeling this weay.
but I can still put in a damn capcha code. Yay me
97% ? - CLP - Jul 20th 2013
I'm wondering where the stat came from that 97% of suicide attempts by drug were unsuccessful. Seems like a pretty bold claim that should be backed up by at least one citation.
hello - - Apr 15th 2013
Well anything we can do to slow down a person's attempt to committ suicide should be done. Making guns less available will help. We should not try for absolute solutions, because they are none. But a life can definitely be saved and that is what is important.
Guilt trip - Flavio - Dec 30th 2012
I am a nam vet (71-72) with a never ending guilt trip. I tried three times to blow my head off and three times failed. I shot the ceiling instead. Iv'e killed my pain with drinking all this years instead of myself. I think I am commiting suicide slowly after all-----damn I hate this set back---------------OHHHHHH LORD PLEASE HELP ME I WITH THIS MENTAL ANGUISH---I'LL BE WAITTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my brother used a gun to commit suicide - melody - Sep 27th 2012
i will never be the same. the pain is horrible. i miss him so much. why didn't he ask for help. i would have done anything for him.
Tried and failed - Sandy - Apr 19th 2012
I've tried seriously to commit suicide about 5-6 times. Maybe more I can't remember. I used razors to slice up my arms. Latest attempt was more serious than all previous attempts. I planned it out for 3 weeks. All I ended up with is a huge scar and 2 weeks in the phych ward. I will purchase a gun for the next attempt. It scars me but I've started to plan already and it's only been 3 weeks since my botched attempt. I am not out to attempt I am out to succeed. I will lay in the tub with a pillow at my chest then the gun aimed at my heart with another pillow over the gun so people won't hear it. It scares me that I've already started to plan. I will talk to my therapist tomorrow and hopefully she can help me. I will be pissed if she puts me back in the Nut ward.
kill - - Apr 11th 2012
I am going to get my gun permit soon. then I will put it to my head and pull the cregger. I feel that my life sucks. I have family members that have problems that they want ever fix. I have been unempolyed for 2 years now and no one will hire me. I am only a lazy good for nothing bum that doesnt need to be around. Beside my life ins of 200,000.00 will take care of my family. bye
i don't know it that helps - ali - Jan 12th 2012
But after reading all and i mean all the comments...i feel as I Muslim that we Humans have soo much in common.
People fearing for their afterlife....and they are Christians...I mean it's so human--i feel we are all the same.
I do have my bouts of depression....and sometimes get out of them tooo.....But since we are all alike ,consider these things:
Bernie Madoff, themulti billionare- his son committed suicide because he felt too ashamed to face the public...
Too many young kids in this forum express a tendency towards suicide....
Most of us who are older think that "these kid's thinking or rationalization for suicide is too naive or simple and is not deserving of "suicide". Most of us would trade places with Bernie Madoff's son and would not commit suicide over being shamed in public.
Considering these facts, it is fair to say that when it comes to our own personal problems, we are really magnifying them or atleast analyzing them in a twisted way. To someone else who looks at our personal problems, it's not deserving of suicide- just like we think Madoff's son shouldn't have committed suicide.
So, i feel that when analyzing other people's problems we are so reasonable and understanding BUT and only When it gets to OUR OWN problems, we lose that proper analysis and here is where I think outside help from a "close" friend comes in. They see through the fog that we have created for ourselves.
I think also when they say suicide keeps you from living your life to the fullest, it simply means that we are dweliing on suicide so much, that we start being careless and not caring about outcomes no more- we keep thinking suicide is the way out and we will commit suicide so it keeps us from pushing ourselves to the fullest.....but if we thought suicide was not an options we would indeed go the whole nine yards and give it all it takes and come out with perhaps a different result.
I am not passing jusgment, not giving advice--just some things in my mind. I love you all.
I wish our countries and governments were close - i'm from iran btw- so i can invite you all down to my country- take you down to some villages, sit down on the carpet, sip some tea, laugh at some of our cultural things, let you milk ther cow...ride the horse....bargain with the cab driver over the fare.......
too often i feel the western society has become too detached....the entire media makes gods out of the movie stars and their salaries and leaves people thinking they will never get to that level.....
in eastern culture,there is some of that but the incredible amount of human decency and caring is really good to see.....i love it when i am walking in iran's streets aand see how a super muscular or a total punked out dude is so respectful to the elders- it makes me feel there is still some goodness.
i hope if aany of you could get a transfer from job or school and come down to the Middle East to come and see for yourselfs. People would be so welcoming of westerners, you would feel like a star.
atleast try that before you off yourself- heck one last trip to figure out those "towelheads" :-)
Agree With A Lot of What's Been Said - Dave - Nov 10th 2011
I agree with a lot of statements here and I have some empathy for the doc that wrote this artcle, for having to look at these comments daily/weekly/monthly etc....
Like most of the people here I have attempted to take my life more than a few times. I have been admitted to the State Hospital and many other residential treatment facilities. Nothing seems to work though...
So here I am, 1 day away from being admitted to yet another treatment facility (this time with all the money I've ever had to my name invested in it) and I still want to die. Is that so wrong? I've always stated to doctors and psych's that "if 80% of life sucks then why is it worth living?"
Anyway, the worst part is that I, with an admission to a State Hospital, Lifeline, University Neruopsychiatric Institute, PCMC, a DUI, 2 Possession of Marijuana, 3 Possession of drug paraphenalia, a slew of underage drinking tickets, retail theft and more speeding and parking tickets that I care to count... I can go to walmart and buy a gun. Remmington 870 with magnum shells, $380 bucks out the door.
Something is inherently wrong with that. I guess I'm lucky that I don't want to have to have someone clean my brains off the wall (current plan is vehiclular suicide, hose from the exhaust to the car + benzo's & sleep = dead me) A friend of mine actually succeeded using this method not long ago. I wonder what the afterlife will hold for me, I'm a big believer in the final moment of your life being infinite (as your brain releases DMT) so if you feel good, your in heaven. If you don't, your in hell. So hopefully I'll be listening to some sweet tunes while I go or something.
Totally Disagree - Dr Shh Wrong - Nov 5th 2011
I disagree with your thoughts that there are good treatment options today. Keeping people alive fattens your pockets and gives you a sense of wellbeing that you are "helping someone" by keeping them alive. BUT are you really helping them? Over the long term, probably not.
As someone who is in elite shape, eats nearly a flawless diet, works out every day, and prays every day, I can say that if you are born with a mental illness, nothing will ever fully alleviate it. I have tried over 20 medications for my anxiety disorder and not only were the side effects bad, but the medications made me feel MORE suicidal.
Good treatments? I don't think so. Have I been to therapy? Yes, for over 5 years. Did it help? Well I think the psychologists/psychiatrists made a lot of money, but it didn't really do much for me. The bottom line is that if you are born with the wrong genetics, life could be miserable.
Yes instinct tells us to stay alive. So the person that wants to die must be in so much pain that they no longer follow natural human instincts and the will to live.
Whether or not someone should die of suicide is completely subjective; it's what you think based on your circumstances. From one person's perspective, it may seem like a good idea, from another's it may seem unwise or heartbreaking.
In the end, everyone dies anyways... Whether it's from a heart attack, suicide, warfare, old age, influenza, etc. everybody is going to perish. So although "suicide" isn't natural, at the end of the day, it's just another way to go...
Here is what happens when you keep mentally ill people alive: They reproduce... What happens? More mentally ill people... The energy cycle continues... Just something to think about.
People that want to live, should be entitled to live. People that wish to die should also be entitled to die. Their is nothing wrong with either choice... They are just choices.
i have 1 - cp - Oct 7th 2011
i have a 380 that i put in my mouth every day im feel so sorry !
Thoughts on gun control and religion - Forlorn Hope - Sep 20th 2011
I'm from Europe where guns are not available for the general population. And let me tell you, it sucks. Being stripped of one of the few good methods of committing suicide makes the whole thing a lot more troublesome and painful. FFS, if people can't bear their lifes anymore, kindly give them a gun so they have a controlled way to end it. Otherwise they'll just resort to dirty methods like getting run over by a train or hanging or something. Or even worse: continue living.
And another thing I want to stress. Those of you who seek shelter in faith are cowards. You flee reality into a fairytale world of kindness and love and what have you. That's a very cheap way out because then you are living in denial of the fact that you stand alone against the hostility of this world. There's nobody to hold your hand, especially not your precious, so called god. So instead of praying, grit your teeth and get back on your feet, soldier! And if that doesn't work, well, you can always crawl to your gun cabinet. At least as long as you live in the US, which brings me back to paragraph 1...
Don't let them win! - - Sep 18th 2011
I've considered it as well, I come from a home where my mother has attempted it by pills more times than I can remember. I've been beaten, molested with my mother's knowledge, neglected. But! You know what, I know it's hard to say but F*** them they are the one's that are messed up. I will not let them win and take my soul to hell with them, I will pray for them and I myself and continue however ever I can. Knowing that you can't ask Jesus for forgiveness after the fact keeps me here. So I say to rest of you who have consedered it "Don't let them win".
Time to die? - lifesucks - Jul 20th 2011
There are good reasons to go. i'm 38 years old and was terrorized by my one parent from age 4 until i left the house @ 18 (our dads weren't in the picture, every time my dad called she would curse and yell at him and not let him speak to me. i had no idea he was even trying to get in touch, although later in life, now i remember the phone calls). In my house we weren't allowed to ask questions or speak without fear. If we asked a question it usually turned into a 3 hour yelling rant with her crying and beating herself in the head and telling us we ruined her life. Let me tell you, growing up like that, does not make life easy. In fact, it is extremely difficult. We were told that everyone is bad, that our friends were bad, their parents were bad, everyone was an a**hole, etc. I was her servant, i was only spoken to nicely when she wanted something and then when i brought it to her, it often wasn't good enough, and the 3 hour yelling crying rant would begin. We woke up to it, we went to bed to it. My 27 year old brother still lives with her b/c he can't even search for a job, he can barely leave the house during the day b/c he thinks everyone is looking at him and judging him. I went through yeeeeears of therapy, am on medication that suits me, have tried and tried and tried. and yet even now, 20 years after being free i still feel extremely defensive and feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any second. every time someone says anything to me i think they are going to say something mean to me or that they are saying something negative about me. I have lost many opportunities that have come my way b/c i didn't have good life skills. Love, lost that. Family, never had that. and just gave up a job a dream job offer last b/c i got 2 offers the same day and got nervous and couldn't just ask "i need a day to decide" and chose the job i didn't want for some reason (because i asked around instead of trusting myself, and all everyone could say was "take whichever pays more", meanwhile, that's not who i am, but i am so used to thinking i must be wrong that i chose the one i really didn't want. at what point man, ya know? Enough is enough, the 3 things that make up your life, love, work and family, i have lost all 3 and clearly b/c i have not been capable of retaining them, (well, family was never an option) even now after tons of work in therapy and really working hard to learn life skills. I don't want anything anymore, there's only so much of this bulls**t that i can handle. I would like to get a shotgun since that is the only gun i can get in ny without a permit. i found this page b/c i search 'what type of shot gun for suicide b/c would like one big enough to kill myself, but not too large b/c i don't want to obliterate my face so that my brother can say goodbye to the body if he wants to. It is good that i have some cooling off time b/c of gun laws, but my plan is to still seek out the gun, and purchase it, b/c i still would like to end my life and if it takes time, fine, and if i finally get the gun and choose not to, that's fine too. I've written my will, i've found people who love my dog and asked them to be his guardians "should anything happen to me", they said yes. I think it's over now. It's not an anguish sharp pain driving my suicidal thoughts anymore, it's a calm one. I think it's time go, there's nothing for me here. I think people are right to go ahead and kill themselves in many cases. Keeping guns out of the house is probably a good idea, people who probably would have cooled off, will have that chance. And people who want to end it can seek the gun out and do what they feel the need to do. Oh how i wish there was a cyanide pill, that would make my life so much easier. I want the dog to see the body so he knows i'm just dead, that i didn't leave the house and just not come back for him. Apparently i can get one in Westchester. I don't want to literally not have a life, but clearly i can't have one while living either, which i can't stand anymore. The 3 things that make life life are no longer available to me, nor will they be. It's over.
I Finally Bought a Gun - Kathryn - Jul 1st 2011
I bought a gun today. A very cheap, bright yellow toy plastic dart gun with bright orange trim. I've put the darts in the garbage. However, I've wanted to buy a gun for a long time. And now I have.
Too easy - - May 8th 2011
Having a gun in the home may significanlty reduce the suicidal persons immediate availabity to end their life. That availability is only temporary though, as purchasing a gun is so incredibly easy. My husband purchased the shotgun he completed suicide with on the morning of his suicide. I was in disbelief, as we did not have a gun in our home. Officers and rescue personel told me he had purchased it that morning. I didnt understand, as I thought there was a waiting period to purchase a firearm. The day of his funeral I visited the store when he purchased it and asked the man behind the counter the procedure for purchasing a shotgun. He told me all I needed to do was present my license and fill out a form. They would run a three minute background check with the FBI and if it came back clear, I would be out the door in ten minutes. I then told him my husband had done that same thing last Saturday and then proceeded to end his life with that very gun. The man cried. I still can't believe that it's that easy to purchase a gun. I was told by the salesman that it is easy because it was a gun used for hunting, if he would have tried to purchase a handgun there would have been a three day waiting period. Fortunately not having a gun in the home may reduce the immediate availability for a suicide completeion, but it is all too easy to purchase a gun and complete the suicide.
I am to blame - - Apr 18th 2011
My 23 year old daughter was schizo-affective with bipolar tendencies. I had software on her computer that sent me reports every two hours regarding all her internet activity. On March 2 I saw she had been looking at a You tube video on how to load a shotgun. We don't own a shotgun. I was tired that day, exhausted from trying to protect her and dragging her to counselor and psychiatrist and just feeling it was all hopeless. I dropped my guard. She seemed okay that day, said she wanted to go buy a new electric blanket AND I GAVE HER THE CAR KEYS, instead of REMEMBERING THE YOU TUBE VIDEO. I am responsible for her death. She would still be alive if I had been PAYING ATTENTION. She left me this incredibly loving note about how I was the light of her life BUT MY LIGHT WENT OUT WHEN SHE DID and your site MAKES ME THING I'M TO BLAME.
Dr. Dombeck's Note: In your grief you are holding yourself to an impossible standard and of course, failing. In a perfect world you may have possibly been able to prevent this particular tragedy from occurring, yes. However, some other event may have occurred later with a simliar result. It is simply an impossibly high standard to hold yourself to to think that you must prevent every suicidal action of a loved one or you are to blame for their death. It is not the case. Depression or similar diagnosis is to blame for the death if blame needs to be placed. I remember one woman who managed to end her life while in a locked inpatient unit and on 15 minute checks by the nursing staff. If someone is dedicated to suicide, it is all but impossible to stop them over time and multiple attempts.
I hope you have people or at least one person who you trust some to talk to about this terrible event that has happened. If you are not in counseling/psychotherapy for grief support, I hope you will consider that it could be helpful. Though the pain of this grief is not something that anything but time will make more bearable, being able to talk about the pain and guilt and to get feedback and reality testing related to it can really be helpful.
rise and fall of the need to stop it all - Vee - Apr 16th 2011
My first thoughts of leaving earth started when I was a child. I saw a drowned animal in the pool. The realization that I COULD leave at any given moment, volentarily, gave me an inner sense of power. I was physically and sexually and mentally abused by 4 older brothers...each with their own flavor of torment. It stopped when I was 21.
by then, suicide was my strength. It meant that no matter WHAT someone did to me, I could have the final decision. I used to have nightmares about being denied access to means to an end. (as I saw later in movies on mental hospitals with straight jackets.) I need to feel, to really believe, that I can leave when I want.
a series of wrong choices in men meant 20 more years of verbal abuse, and sexual, because they cheated on me...while pregnant and at home...(married 3 of them...)
I chose my hell, then wish I could escape. AA and all the other anonymous reunions only made me realize that it was now part of my psychy. I am a victim, and only feel power when I am struggling against the adversity of another's abuse.
I am 42 now, and sick and tired of it all. My suicide thoughts turned into attempts last year. I ended up in a hospital, and then on SSRI pills. they made me hazy, and my current husband took that as a cue to start a new affair. his 3rd in 2 years.
we now are divorcing, and he is telling everyone that I am abandoning him, that I am quitting the boat in full sail, that I am a coward for not going the full yard with him...and so on and so on.
we have a gun. ironically, he said he bought his first gun to protect me. Yet, he is the one who abuses me verbally in private, humilitates me in public with his women...and, I foolishly gave up my country and job to be with him.
he lives in a 4 bedroom home, with pool and jacuzzi, and said, that seeing i was the one jumping ship, I had to go and live in a cheap appartment.
i got the keys today.
I spent 3 years fixing up this house. it was dirty and with no garden.
I looked at the new, dirty appartment today, and here I sit tonight, while he is in Canada with family and friends, and think.
WHY BOTHER starting over? i have left 3 men, three homes, three children....always to sink lower in the esteem of my family...
I have lost all my friends because of my emotional crisis. My own hell. They see what I am doing, and try to be logical.
So, after 27 years of dating the same types. I look in the mirror and see what many see now.
A tired old bitter woman.
I really want out.
Yesterday, I heard the news that a friend who lived life to the fullest is dying of liver cancer. only a few months left. too late to stop the progression.
and i think. He would do anything to have my years...the ones i want to stop.
but, I cannot live because he is dying. I cannot keep on smiling on Facebook, and reassuring my old parents that I am not (YET) in the street....
my brother hung himself when he was 29. and, i laughed at his funeral.
my dad said it was a blessing, considering his mental illness.
I have yet to hear anyone say that they would of liked him to live longer. To continue hearing his mental illlness talk through the drugs that failed....
he tried suicide a few times before. He denied it...but, he broke so many bones jumping off a bridge.
He got it right in the end.
and, all I ever hear is how my family feel THEY should of seen the signs. What hypocrites. we all knew. We all saw, and we did not bother.
My family and friends do not "bother" with me anymore.
my eldest son is locked up for nearly a year now. Mental illness.
I just hid it better. but, when is enough enough?
Cancer, everyone says. How horrid, what suffering lies ahead.
but mental illness. it is "pull up your socks" or "get a life for gods sake."
as one blogger said.
Walk a day in my shoes of mental anguish, and see if you don't pull the trigger.
Time to go - Michael - Mar 18th 2011
18 months ago I had a great life. Secure job, well paid, engaged to a beautiful woman, first baby on the way, searching for a bigger family home to move into. I had happiness, plans and a future.
Then it all went wrong...badly wrong!
Firstly I lost my job. A few years previously I had played an immature practical joke at work. Then in 2009 a vindictive and horrible woman in my office decided she didn't like the 'banter' culture at work, and went to senior management with a catalogue of allegations about people on my team (including snitching on me & the practical joke I had played years earlier). The result was that I lost my job. This in itself was bad enough, but it caused additional problems. Firstly my company was a speciaised one, with no other similar employers in the UK. Hence I could not simply get another job in the same field. The manner of my departure also meant that my company refused to give me a decent reference. This in turn meant that despite securing the offer of a half decent job shortly after being sacked, I lost that job before I even started it. They refused to take me on as my ex-employers refused to give a satisfactory reference (just a very very basic one).
I ended up working for employment agencies doing desperate work for a pittance. Even now, despite being in employment, I earn about one third of what I used to and work horrifically long hours including at home.
That is how it began. Now my life has collapsed. Money problems, not being able to move house, depression. My wife resents our financial situation and the fact that she went through so much strain when she was pregnant. She now has to work full time despite having a child to make us meet ends. Our sex life died almost instantly when all of this happened.
The catalogue of misery was completed last month. I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for months, meeting up with another man regularly and having sex in his car. Although she has now ended it and says she wants me, I cannot get over the pain and humiliation.
I have spirraled into a world of dark thoughts and deep depression. Smiling and even getting out of bed in the morning are just too damn hard. I see nothing but misery, misery, misery.
I love my son. He is the only light in my life. But it's not enough. I have suicidal thoughts all the time. And I mean ALL the time.
I want to shoot myself and put an end to this joke which is my life. I know what some of you will say and think..."but you have a son"..."you are selfish"...but basically, f**k you! It's my life, and if I'm so miserable and desperate that I want it end, then that is my choice.
I want to buy a shotgun and do the job properly. Problem is I live in the f*****g UK where our tight arsed politicians make gun laws very tight. I intend to apply for a shotgun certificate, but the problem with this is that the forms ask if you have ever suffered depression. I can't lie, as part of the application process involves the police checked your medical records with your doctor. And I have been to see him for depression, and been on anti-depressants for about three months now.
Does anybod have sound advice for me? Is there any chance of me getting a shotgun licence? What can I do to improve my chances? Please let me know. Help me to put a stop to the constant pain that is my life.
Stop the ignorance for once - - Feb 20th 2011
When discussing suicide, it is common to address the concern by telling a person that it is a selfish act. What about your family and friends? What about all the pain and suffering that they are left to endure? Ok, that reasoning is fair enough in some cases.
But let me ask you what you say to someone that has no family and friends? either due to death or disownment, and what do you say to those with dehabiliting health conditions that prevent the ability to forge even a single meaningful relationship? We live in a society where many of us are alone, being kept alive only by a digital window to a world that we can never be a part of. Some of us, are unable to get back up after being kicked so many times.
The real question is; how much can a human being take before he/she breaks? That can only be answered by the person suffering the intolerable torment that penetrates damn near every waking hour of that person's life. To those that use some god or medical advice or worse yet, some hotline to call: Who in hell are you people to decide what is and what is not in someone's best interest if you have never even stood a day in their shoes? You are what is wrong with this country. You offer help only with the face of greed. Do you think some entity will rescue you when you have reached unbearable circumstances? Maybe god will give you ONLY what you are capable of handling? Maybe you could do the human race a favor for once by putting an end to all the lies and philosophical bs that have smothered us ever since we were a child. All it creates is unreleastics expectations and false confidence-which has no foundation. No foundation leads to suicide.
The conclusion I have arrived at in my life is this: Some of us are here to suffer so that others may live a life worth living. We are all born imperfect but some us have disadvantages that cause lifelong pain and social rejection. Living requires the taking of life. We are either included in it or we are not. If we are included, then this will be known by a time in one's life by intense agony and suffering that will not seem to cease. Known by many as the downward spiral. The facts are:
You didnt choose to be a part of the world
There are some things about yourself that CANNOT be changed
Noone can ever know to what extent that you suffering
You have a RIGHT to end your own life
I personally have no family, friends, or interests in anything. I am not good looking enough, and I struggle with social anxiety and severe depression on a daily basis. I struggle with the loss of man's identity in this world, I make poverty wages, have a dead end job, and experience ridicule dispite having a good heart and a peaceful and understanding demeanor. As many others on here, I have lost everything. I am not a violent person at all so it will be quite difficult to commit suicide and it will probably make me intensely anxious but I cannot stand to endure anymore pain. I reached the threshold along time ago and life will not let me live. I have bad luck for the most part, but very good luck when it comes to my life inching me closer and closer to suicide. My responsibilities are no more, I have no accountability, and there would be no response that could jusitify my intentions. I have always lived older than I really am and having reached the state of an old man early.
I agree with some other posters. Offer some good advice on how to do it, so we dont have waste your tax dollars keeping us alive in some hospital or institution. We will do it anyway whether you agree or not.
My heart goes out to all who is suffering- I feel your pain
GONE - - Nov 28th 2010
If Zeus throned on high does indeed punish bold and arrogant men
what be it my hubris
Self aware yet I see it not
What hubris ever be deserving of a nemesis so cutting
Gone my bark, gone my growl
No longer do I run with the dogs at night
Their blood and mine one and the same, did run
Run with exhiliration in our veins, our nostrils flared, the scent of conquest tormenting us to madness and beyond
But so soon?
The teeth of a too early dawn pierce mine flesh
The hunt complete
Out , out my brief candle.
Invisible - - Nov 26th 2010
Do you know what it is like to be at a table of 11 people who are family and they ignore you for days. Even on Thanksgiving. Then they won't let you near their kids even though they play with mine, I am in the same room and no one says a word to me. I have decided that my family clearly does not love me. They love my kids but not me. So I will make it simple for them. My kids will get over me being gone. My parents raise them anyway, they don't have a dad. But its clear to me they do not want me around. So I am going to be the bigger person. Go to the beach, take the gun and BLOW....Then my family will be rid of me, the mistake is who I am... You know when you are not important when the holidays come and no one talks to you. I am 46 and I have lived this way , way too long. I am sick of being alone all the time. I have no friends, I can say now no family, I feel my kids will be better off without me alive. The risk of them seeing me treated this way everyday is not worth the long time damage to them. Why should they see their grandparents treat their mother as if she does not exist. They know they hate me, they see the silent treatment at all meals. Its just not fair to them and I am stuck in a situation I can not get out. So I have given up my hopes and dreams years ago and now I have given up on living another day. I am sad every morning I wake up, praying I will die in my sleep. I can no longer feel the hatred and resentment towards me anymore. I am sick of crying everynight myself to sleep. Medicine does nothing to help my feelings or changing my mind of what I am going to do,its just a matter of time. When the big day will be..I want it to be a day they will not remember. My bestfriends son at 13 hung himself at some apts he lived, the police called me I saw him hanging right there when I walked to her apt. It was unbelievable to me. The sad part was they kept him up for hours after and the cloth they used to hide him from her front door you could still see his feet. This happened in March of 2000. And now I wish I could have figured out a way to do it his way, instead of mine. I thought of jumping off the pier dieing on impact, but I know their are sharks under but I dont care to die in pain thats the only thing. I want it quick and over. Pills dont work you wake upor throw them up I have already tried that way. So a gun it is... I am so glad we have them in this house its just a matter of timing to do it right. It will be on the beach so, my kids will not see me. I dont want to mess anything up or cost my family who hates me anymore money.... I guess thats it for me.... Thanks for the forum to express myself. I can finally get some closure...
Feeling Alone - Allan N. Schwartz - Nov 22nd 2010
I want to suggest that you go to psychotherapy, especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you with your feelings. We cannot change the past but all of us can learn to live better in the present and future. You are so very young. You deserve a chance to feel good and live the fullest life that you can.
Feeling alone - Bruno - Nov 22nd 2010
After reading a lot of comments, I've decided to write too, hoping someone at least read it. Even if in most of the time i'm "ok" (which to me means that I'm not in fucking pain), I will probably kill myself within one or two years during on of those crisis.
I'm 23 and I've had emotional problems during all my life, albeit only realizing this in the past few years. I've never believed in any god, and I'm quite sure that if I kill myself I would be just wasting my life and all potential opportunities that it has, just stepping in a infinite unconsciousness. There is no afterlife, no judgement, no reincarnation. I have not died before thanks to that, because I'm desperate trying to live.
My parents are divorced since I was 7. Being the only son, I grew up overprotected by my mother, and by being on the computer during my early teenager made me a social inept. I feel inhibited in the presence of strangers, can't make friendships easily. To those who are near me, I occasionally sting them with my schandenfreude, even if I don't want to. Because of this, I have very few real friends, even fewer live in my city and know me personally. I've always been a lone person, and this is poisoning me.
I wish I could laugh at the same jokes that people laugh, but I don't feel in the same way. My life has been always gray and hazy. I'm stuck in my mind, lost in my own despair and fighting to find a reason to live everyday, and that's why is so hard to me to be kind with other people. Almost all find me creepy, weird, and suddenly a person that tried to talk with me in the last week stop coming, just passes by and ignores me. 23 years living like this.
For being so timid, for feeling so alone and being an social inept, I've been always alone in my life. Neither woman has loved me, not I haven't fully loved anyone. I know they are just a illusion that my mind has created to ignore the emptiness of our life, specially mine, and even if I manage to be with someone that I love, I would then feel empty again. It's a curse: I try so hard that when I fail, it triggers a entire week feeling a piece of shit, drinking all days. When I can stay close to someone, my emotional instability promptly appears and then she left and I'm alone again, drinking. Worst, because i'm timid I meet few people and I'm always stuck in the past, having flashbacks of my mistakes.
Some people that commented here had a much, much worse life. Some were really miserable, other without their kids, others homeless and sickened. I wish I could say that I wouldn't wan't to die, but I still want and I'm ashamed. I can't live my life if it means just watching days going by, nothing changing, still being alone. I don't find it joyful, but just awfully painful.
All those years made me a very wounded person, thinking about death seriously. I've tried psycologists and drugs, but they didn't helped me, even antidepressants. It is surely an emotional problem, but I'm starting to think that I've also really have lost my will to live. I'm a shame, and I know will probably die before graduation if nothing changes, killing myself with a gun.
Please Read. - - Nov 8th 2010
Hi everyone. ive just been reading your comments and about your situations, and i must say i understand what you are feeling. i too have thought about suicide, who would miss me? does it hurt? how to do it? but i thought about what i could do to help other people. and i have now developed a mental state that forces me to live my life, it amazes me that you cant see it yourselves. If you dont care anymore about life and what happens, then why arnt you living life like it!? please just listen. i used to constantly fear what other people would think of me if i walked into a store and asked for a job in front of customers and then be told by them ''no we dont have a job''. the fear they would laugh at my humiliation behind my back at my pathetic attempts to better myself. i feared going out to socialise incase people dont 'get me' and reject me. but living in fear is NOT the way to live my friends. im not rambling on about how god can save you like typical bible bashers, but im a genuine person looking out for others. please listen. from now on live your life NOT caring. it helps believe me, walk around with that ''who gives a sh**'' attitude. is there a pretty girl you like? a handsome guy you like? go over and talk, dont be afraid. what the worst that could happen? you get rejected, if that happens then so be it. plenty more fish in the sea right? if your poor, do what you gotta do to make money. that doesnt mean rob people or harm others, but i mean its one thing to sit in the job center and wait for a job, GO OUT THERE! its a big world. my whole life ive been a 'waiting' kinda guy. waiting for a job. waiting for that girl to come along. waiting for new things. but i never act. those who say you want a fresh start, put yourself in a situation to create your character. everyone has one, you just havent unleashed it. get your last bit of money, hop on a plane and go to a place you havent been to before. when you are in the situation where you have no money, no house, no car, no family to help, nothing. your character will form and you will understand who you are. dont run away from debt but dont let it control you. why be scared? at most you end up in jail. who cares. you will only be inside for a quick minute. please i could go on forever about the secrets of life, but if you need someone to talk to on a personal level, feel free to email me. i mean it, ill listen and ill understand, i wont judge you, i wont pretend i understand if i dont. email me: email@example.com hope to see some emails soon!
End of my rope? - Bleh - Oct 30th 2010
I'm in such deep thought after reading all of these posted comments. The person that talked about how we should consider the innate insincts of animals moved me most. I can see it's true. Nature innately strives to keeps intself alive and growing. We strive to do that until we feel like it becomes impossible. I think I've had the best and worst of life. I married way to young at 20 while I was still in college. I really was in love but in retrospect should've known he was a controller. We lived for years in another country then after we came back, I had a child. When he was two, I basically "went crazy" and he went to live with the in-laws. I was going to my councelor and psychiatrist every week for about eight years. It was as if I became numb to everything and everyone except for ending my life. It's all I could think about and I'd do anything to get my mind off of it. Distractions are a wonderful thing for bi-polars...sex, alchohol, internet, music, etc. Things finally started to get better after the divorce. I hadn't realized how emotionally abusive and controlling he was until he was gone. The problem was that my child was now calling my ex mother-in-law "mom" and they kept me from him as much as possible. There had been many years of our relationship lost while I was so depressed and that gave them plenty of time to make him believe terrible, untrue things about me. I decided the divorce decree stating visitation rights was my time to change all of that bullshit. I got a really good lawyer and after a lot of agony, got reasonable visitation. Realistically, I knew I couldn't have custody after he'd not lived with me in eight years and at the time I felt it was even best for my child. Again in retrospect, I see that I was wrong thinking that. As with everything my ex-husband and ex in-laws did everything they could to ruin my relationship with my child. They made him keep 50 cents in his pocket at all times and told him it was to call them in case I kidnapped him. They followed us and had us followed. Later they gave him a cell phone and called non-stop. Once he left it at the daycare and the ex actually called them asking them to find it. There was no way he would've known he was at that daycare unless someone had followed us. They made him write a list of ten bad things that happened everytime he came to stay with me. When I found one, I asked him about it and he said they told him to do it. The bad things were ridiculous things like how he slipped off a rock when we were playing in a stream at the park and he got his sock and shoe wet. These are just a few examples of the absurdity. They may seem menial to you but when dealing with it constantly, it got to be so overwhelming always trying to defend myself and somehow convince him that what they were telling him was wrong. There were constant conversations between my son and I where he was repeating stories they had ingrained in his innocent mind. It got to the point I couldn't compete with them anymore. My ex had been SO controlling and mentally abusive before our divorce and going through all of this was incredibly unhealthy for my little bi-polar mind and emotions. The last straw was when my son had a formal and rehearsed talk with me about how he wanted to decide when he comes to see me from then on. Everything he said was obviously memorized and he ended up telling me his dad and grandparents had told him what to say and rehearsed it with him. Of course, this was their way toward zero visitation. It's sickening how they manipulated and used him but, at the same time, oh so typical. I was so depressed after that. My school work was suffering, I was constantly nervous and depressed and angry, and my boyfriend and I ended up breaking up. He couldn't handle their manipulation any longer. In the end, I lost and they won. They got my son and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it. Life is hard enough for normal people but for a bi-polar to go through something like this...well, it's unbearable. I've tried to move on and the only way I can cope is block it out. That's never a permanent fix.
Eh..interestingly enough, I started writing this comment because I'm very seriously thinking about suicide again. I thought I was going to write about how I finished my second degree a year and a half ago, haven't gotten a job even though I've had about 20 failed interviews, owe $50,000 in loans, and am living with my parents in a tiny redneck town of 600 people where nobody gets me with my vegetarian, non-religious, republican ways and "big college words." Yet, when I think about killing myself my thoughts go straight to losing my son four years ago. It's almost like a death. I honestly can't imagine anything more painful. Even though I know it's their fault, I feel so much guilt. I know if I wasn't bi-polar, none of this would've happened. If I were better, I'd still have my child. I'll never be better. All I'll ever be is the woman who lost her son to a manipulative ex. It's almost my own personal label. I want my soul to go to a place where I don't have this memory. Somewhere I don't know this pain. Somewhere my personal label is different. Somewhere that Linkin Park's "What I've Done" doesn't want to make me shoot myself in the head.
HOPE GOD WILL ACCEPT ME FOR WHATS APPARNTALLY - Not As Resilaint Anymore - Oct 26th 2010
OK so ive read thru all these comments and i can feel all your combined pain, ill keep this as simple as i can,My life from another parties view would "seem" to be perfect,In my younger years Considered a very good looking fella, ladies never complained, always made money, fast forwardddddddddd>>>>> in buisness, 3 BUTIFULL children,the best wife, for my kids a least, shes a overachiever, like myself<except i always HAD to be> but even tho shes that to them, we havent made love, or show affection, in TOO long of a time... LORD HELP ME,,,now for the real day, i went off all the meds they had me on wich were BULLSHIT in my opinion, but ive been wanting to end it ever since i was 14 or so, now im early 30's....suffered from drug addictions, and lived several years going withdrawls of one sort or another, DAILY, but the pain is just to much, its wierd cause on the street, no man has every got the best of me, ive stood against armys alone, guess maybe cause in reality who can hurt me more than i hurt myself ,right? HA..if they knew how much i really hurt,and vunerable i truelly am, maybe someone would of sent me on my way a LONG time ago..bottom line is, i cannot have a gun, cause ive been arrested several times for assualt, on men, i would NEVER hit a woman..soi found that u can goto gun ranges and rent a gun,with only a license, pretty sweet, now i just have to find the perfect date, as i dont want my kids/family hating any particular date/holiday coming up etc...hopefully the lord understands, and doesnt condemm to HELL, or are we in HELL NOW? No1 really knows me, and i wish i didnt have so many people that I LOVE and LOVE me,its very hard to git er' done,but i for sure will. i cannot get it outta my brain EVERYDAY....i have faith that my family will pick up the pieces and, finacially, theres more than enough in my fam for them to keep my family in this awesome house i built myself for them....I tried everything i could therapy/meds/ FOR YEARS!! I have had good times, partied with movie stars, literally,seen the best and the worst, obviouslly im not..what is this life for anyway, is there really a greater purpose? or is all just BLACK? how could some like myself SURROUNDED by ANGELS, Be here?well maybe cause my fathers mom, ran away cause she was mentally ill<schizophrenic>? as im supposed bipolar,HAHA..heres how i will end it, i fell like I AM JESUS CHRIST in a way, ive done all sorts of sins, so my children will never have to,I MADE THE SACRAFICES ~DAMMIT~ and my wife WILL explain that to them, thankyou for reading, dont want to sound selfish,God Bless ****ALL YOUR SOULS****
Jesus Forgive And Accept Me.
why live there is no reason - JDS - Oct 26th 2010
I am 45, was married several years had the best job ever, my marriage went south as did my family. for a while all was great. I am now single & have been for 5yrs. I moved to a new location for health reason's. all I ever wanted was to just be free & live a simple life without the worry of basic needs to live.
I no longer work due to physical disabilities & live alone by choice. I can longer get the medical help i need do to the fact that I cant afford the medications i need & most all the doctors just want money. its my meds or literally starve these days.
I am ready to just say f**k it all, I dont believe in god & never have. so the after life means nothing to me. just like living it has really no bearing on anything. people no longer care unless you can afford the help.
so why should I?.
soon it will be my time. soon i will die. sonn the sun will shine. soon life will be a dream.
Back over a year later - Wyld1USA - Oct 21st 2010
I originally posted on here Mar 20th 2009. I can safely say.......nothing has changed. Life still the same, it sucks and I would love it to simply end. Calling it "Depression" and saying it is treatable is BS. Depression Drugs don't heal anything, they just mask the real issues. May as well smoke pot or become an alcoholic, no difference.
Still would love someone to tell me how to successfully leave this earth, 100% guarantee needed.
Suicide by gun - Hertsman - Oct 19th 2010
I don't believe that you would feel any pain from placing a gun on the roof of your mouth and shooting yourself through the brain. Death would be instantaneous.
i want to die - jr - Oct 10th 2010
Hi everyone im 22 years old and i have had it with my life already, when i was growing up all the memories i have is of people making fun of me because of my looks and i never had any friends that hanged with me because they wanted to they just used me to copy my homework. i have been poor all my life and im in junior college right now because i wanted to make something of myself and live a better life but i noticed that that isnt gonna happen ever since im so stupid, i cannot learn fast like everyone, i have failed 8 tests and quizzes in the past week in my four classes. i just started working in retail a year ago and i finally managed to earn enough money for a car and system about two months ago and they already broke in and stole my 1000 dollar stereo and subs, my iphone, my wallet, my ipod touch. i never left my phone or wallet and ipod but i did that day because i was gonna hop into a river to refresh myself, that happened in one hour and the alarm didnt go off. at home my family yelled at me for being so stupid. a whole year of working for nothing. im so tired of my life i hate when people call people that commit suicide cowards, i dont think that they are. ive been told by family members that i will never amount to anything. i am very poor i do not want to procreate and bring my children to suffer. every day i wake up looking at the ceiling thinking of why did great people like michael jackson or martin luther king have to die when so many people loved them and followed them when i could have died instead since i know nobody will miss me even my family. when i go to school or work on the freeway i dont sight see all i do is look for unprotected pillars that i can crash at full speed onto but i am a coward because i cant do it. i will most likely buy a gun and shoot my self since i cant handle it anymore. i know that there is no hope at all for me.thank you for reading my message.
heavy heart - Gary - Sep 24th 2010
It is with a heavy heart that i say goodbye to this world that has defeated me.
There is another option - Cheryl - Sep 8th 2010
To Gregory and all of you who feel hopeless, there are people and places that want to help so that you don't have to die to escape your pain.
Please please take a moment and call 1-800-273-TALK. This is a 24/7 hotline for anyone who is feeling hopeless and contemplating suicide.
Long time coming - Gregory - Sep 8th 2010
My life started falling apart eight years ago. Since then, I have lost my job (Teaching), my friends, my dog, my therapist, my apartment, my car, almost all of my clothes and personal belongings, and I have health problems. I have been hospitalized many times since 2007 mostly for suicide attempts.... it's like I can't die. I seem to be stuck in this nightmare with no way to wake up.
I am staying with "friends" but I can't find a job. They have a pistol in the house... 9mm hollow point ammo. I took it out yesterday and considered my situation. I wrote a suicide note and will put it in my pocket when I plan to "get things done". I don't see any way out of this situation except for shooting myself. I have two fears:
1. How to aim the pistol correctly.. I have consulted the internet, but with varied opinions and advice.
2. What's next... Will I be condemned to wander in darkness... I don't believe in a hell ( a christian hell anyway). I worry that I may not be able to forgive myself after I die and this my cause problems with reincarnation.... Yes, reincarnation.
Simply exsisting on this earth is not good enough.... damn, it's a living hell. Stuck in this jobless, homeless, worthless routine. I am not usually in pain.... that is a good thing... but all I can think about is sticking that pistol in my mouth (in an upward direction) and pulling the trigger. Assuming that I get it right, I will be home free. And if there is no afterlife of anykind... well that would be heaven. Thanks for listening....
Other Options - - Sep 2nd 2010
It appears that guns are used in order to perform a successful suicide. Perhaps the issue isn't firearms, but rather, the lack of relatively successful alternatives. Cyanide should be readily available. Then people wqouldn't need to use firearms in order to commit suicide.
word kills - Sara - Sep 1st 2010
Hi, i'm sara.i ve been brought up from an orthodox family.when i was in my teens i always with full of life and enthusiasm.though my childhood wasn't that gr8 i find something which keeps me going.i ve very few friends 1or 2 max.there are many unforseen things happened in my family which made me to completely left out.i always been craved for love and someone actualy likes me so much.when i finishd my graduation i joined in a nice job.there i met a guy whom i fel in love.he is from a diff religious back ground and m from a diff religious back ground.but liked each other so much n made our parents to accept our marriage.like anyother couple we too had fights... ups n downs..my husband used to be a very nice gentle man n was'nt a mama's boy but his mother (mom-in-law) deep down did not like me much as iam from diff clan.
its been 3 n half of our marriage life.initially like anyother boyz my husband did so many promises but over 3 years of married life those talks and care jus got vanished becoz of his mom interference and poisoning relationship.i am true and honest i expect the same from him.even if he at time realise his mistakes his mom will give him points that i am the one who should be punished. till now i never uttered anything to my parents abt the mental n physical torture m going through.
now my husband want to quit job and want to play guitar and he wants me to go work n earn money for the family.wel i joined in an american company the ceo of which fallen in love with me.... which was too disgusting for me.i inform my mom-in-law and my husband abt my boss. my husband was kind of understanding but mom-in-law started blaming me that m the culprit.when opposed her words she got pissed off.this drama happened 2 years ago n i quit the job too.at back of her mind she still has this wierd thought and whenever she get chance, she poisoning her son's mind to go against me.
i married the man i loved and trusted the most.but now he drinks and smokes endless.m only worried abt his health but my mother-in-law (66yrs old)doesnt seems to be so worried her son rather happy to c me worried.many times i thought commiting suicide n tried once and got saved.
my parents already going through hell.i dont want trouble them with my problem. ,,,m going down....i have no one....the words both my husband and mom-in-law use on me killing me everyday.....idont knw ... i feel like left alone again....i dont deserve to be living rite now.my heart bleeds... m in pain... somebody plz tel me am i so bad
leaving now - J.W. - Sep 1st 2010
I'm 42yo, tall, healthy, OK looking male.
I have everything I need to be happy - good job (i'm a lead of a small successful team), enough money, beautiful wife who loves me, a wonderful mistress, a few very close friends, I live in a great apartments with a panoramic view of Hollywood hills... And the only thing I want is to switch my brain off. Just to stop living....
I'm ashamed of this.
So many people on this planet are suffering every minute of they life, deprived of food or shelter or love or fighting a painful disease... And i have everything and i want to die...
I've been like this for years. I'm tired of myself. Hate myself. Can't stand myself anymore. I feel very fucking lonely. Feel like there is a glass wall between me and the rest of this universe. I can scream or dance naked - no one sees me. My friends love me, but i feel 100000 miles away.
Dr. Dombeck's Note: Have you done anything to address what is very likely to be Major Depression or a related diagnosis? Such as antidepressant medication, cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, or similar? Have you explored self-help options for your emotional distress? Do you talk with the people you care about - share some of this pain with them, or do you keep them distant with a facade? If you can't talk to people you know, could you talk to strangers, such as in an online support community? Suicide can seem like the only answer to an overwhelming problem, but when supports are put in place, coping skills learned, chemistry problems addressed and when the pain is shared with peers who "get it" becuase they are frequently there too, the pain of depression can be lessened to tolerable, or even sometimes eradicated.
Silly - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 10th 2010
I fail to see how the topic of this article, suicide, can possibly be perceived as silly. You may disagree with my assertions about the role of guns, in fact, you are welcome to state many opinions. But, silly? And after the previous post on the part of a person who wrote about a suicide in her family very recently?!! I am sorry, but this is too serious a problem to be characterized as silly.
What a silly article - leah - Aug 10th 2010
NO: not everyone who commits suicide is crying out for help, as your own article should have made clear to you. Many of those who commit suicide simply want to die. If they use a shotgun instead of drugs, then it should be clear that they really, really wanted to die. People are not stupid. If you make guns difficult to get, then those people who want to die are going to find other ways to achieve their goal that are far more certain than drugs, and as effective as guns. There are many paths to death. Deal with that fact, please.
To add to this: You are not going to do a damned thing to reduce suicide rates by writing silly articles, locking up failed suicides in state institutions and filling them full of meds. Instead, you need to change society at large, change family structure, along with many other things. Doing so is so much harder than catching a failed suicide, isn't it? It's certainly harder than writing a sensitive article about keeping bullets separate from guns.
Suicide in Family - - Aug 8th 2010
My Auntie just committed suicide yesterday with a handgun. She had suffered from bipolar disorder like 4 members of our family 3 which are dead by suicide and I am the only surviving. She had been planning this for a while because in our state you have to apply for a handgun with a 14 day waiting period. 2 years ago her son, my cousin took his life the same way and in 1982 my Uncle took his life by jumping off a bridge.
I have so many emotions and I am determined not to let this be my fate! But I feel like I need to do something. I strongly believe that people with mental illness should not be allowed to have gun permits. I know for a fact that if there was a gun in my house and I was depressed and feeling like I didn't want to live I would use it. I'm glad that I can admit that.
I love my Auntie, Uncle and cousin and I ask that you please take the time to pray or send your thoughts to our family at this time.
I'm about ready - - Jul 18th 2010
I'm about ready. Although I was divorced in 2006, I tried to patch it back together until 2009. Two months after that, I lost my job...probably due to the extreme depression from which I am still suffering. I have not been able to find a job which is not surprising to me in this economy. My son moved in with his mother this week because he knows I can barely afford to live -- I am in the early stages of foreclosure. I am all alone and lonely. I used to ride bicycles and was in great shape for a 46 year old. Now I barely get out of bed. The same day I lost my job I discovered my ex is now seeing someone 10 years younger than herself. I am having some health problems now (again, not surprising) but don't have health insurance. This is too much for me to bear. Although I detest guns I've been seriously considering buying one -- I think about it more and more often. I am tired of crying and tired of the pain. I had everything -- a good job, a beautiful wife that I adored and a fantastic son. Now I have nothing. I don't know if I can go through with it. My thoughts are scattered. I know there are people worse off than me !! I don't know who I am anymore.
Suffering - Jeff - May 31st 2010
My mom has suffered from bi-polar disorder for 27 years. Her first suicide attempt occurred when i was a junior in high school. She has since had at least a dozen suicide attempts. The year after my dad passed away I found her on the floor of her bedroom, eyes rolled back, foam pouring out of her mouth, a few pills in a bowl, water bottles, phone lines cut, living will on kitchen table, all of her personal belongings in white garbage bags in the garage and a note that read, "I don't want a funeral. I just want to be with my husband." She had taken 150 Geodon and a combination of other pills. The ER doctor said it was a "miracle" she lived. I still live with the horror of those images in my mind. Everyday I fear that I'll receive a phone call telling me she is dead. It is a living hell to know that your own mother is one impulsive act away from ending her life.
My family has fallen apart since my dad passed in 2003. He was 54 years-old. My marriage ended shortly afterwards. I have no children. My younger brothers marriage ended a month ago and he is now unemployed and homeless. He has 2 children. My older brother never married. He is 42 and lives in a tiny studio in a low-income neighborhood, above a garage, and drives a school bus. My mom is alone in a huge house, disconnected with family and peers. And, I live 3 hours away from the mess. However, I sit in my room all day waiting to pull the trigger.
I have since attempted suicide since. Two times this past winter. Spent hundreds of dollars and have yet to follow through. I, too, suffer from bi-polar, 17 years. It is hell to live with the polarizing depression and the struggle of knowing whether or not your medication will be provided by an assistance program. I have no health insurance and make $12,000 a year. My student loans surpass $50,000 and have accrued so much interest that I can't even begin to cover the principle balance. I have medical bills from kidney stones that I attempt to pay each month but can't afford, given the expense to merely survive on a menial income. Graduate school cost me more than I could afford, a degree necessary to land the job I have as an adjunct instructor. Yet, I can't even begin to pay back my loans.
The Bible says to be in debt to no man. My life is a wreck. I want to start over. The severity of my depression overwhelms me. I have spent hours researching options, watching people online follow through with suicide. I want the suffering to stop. I want out. I find it interesting that someone identified the fact that Jesus (in essence) committed suicide. He was God and He consciously chose to die. He didn't have to die. He is our role model. Thus, suicide must be an option, no?
Why Not? - Hollin - May 23rd 2010
I am not a teenager, I am 53 years old and have been jobless since 2003. I have had some jobs for which I was over qualified and fired from them. I have lost my independence, my husband (not a bad guy), controls everything. I once had financial independence and we shared mutual expenses. Now, like a little kid, I have to say Honey can I.... I have suffered from depression eversince I can remember and I am on medication and have been through a couple of years of therapy. There are no prospects of my situation improving. It's the loss of independendence I can't stand anymore.
My question is what is a successful way to do this ? I don't want to try and fail or be saved just to live as a thing in a bed. I wonder if a shot from a .45 to the head or chest would be more successful.
Don't say go back to therapy, I can't stand anymore of that fake "you position will get better blah, blah, blah.
Just answer the question.
Suicide - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Apr 26th 2010
It is important to point out that many of you who have recently posted a very young. It is not unusual for young people to feel depressed and to even reach that point where they feel suicidal. What you do not realize is that treatment is available to help you with the problems that are causing your depression. With that treatment you can become free of depression and suicidal thinking. This sad thing about suicide is that it prevents people from living their lives to the fullest.
It is important to point out, as was recently stated in an article on parental suicide and suicide in children that once a child or teenager has lost a parent to suicide are in very great danger of following in the same footsteps.
The bottom line is that suicide is a hopeless but where there is life there is always hope. I want to strenuously urged all of you who feel this terrible to get the help you need. Available are both psychotherapy and antidepressant medications. Do not give up on life.
Please God - Mike - Apr 25th 2010
I'm 17 and remember the first day I ever felt depression. I was in fifth grade....what do fifth graders have to be sad about? I've been battling a ghost of depression since that day and I believe it's turned me psychotic over the last two years. I've smoked weed hundreds and hundreds of times.... I've done horrible in school and I've experimented with hallucinagens... not to mention I'm dangerously intraspective, judgemental, self conscious, and pessimistic. My problem is I have dabilitating social anxiety. I think so much about talking, and to do it, and what to say, and how to think, and how to be in touch what my thoughts, and what I really think, and how to think to be on other people's "mental" level so they can understand me and respond to me....that I've literally lost my mind. I don't know what I think anymore. The only way to describe it is my mind is like an overgrown praire. It should be flat with high, but not too tall grass. Instead, it's been possessed and over powered by weeds so much that it's impossible to navigate through anymore. I can't think. I can't talk. I stress myself out SO MUCH EVERY DAY to the point that I want to BURN SOMETHING, BREAK SOMETHING or DESTROY SOMETHING in order to relieve the extreme bomb of pain that is exploding inside my small cranium every day. Enjoying life is not a part of my life anymore. AND F*** ALL OF YOU WHO SAY SUICIDE IS SELFISH. YOU ARE F*** SELFISH. Life is torture. I am tortured every second I am conscious. My only peace occurs when I'm sleeping and even then I am not conscious to experience it. If I continue to live this way and think these things and travel the same mental path, then life will be impossible. No matter what I do- whether I get a credible career, a beautiful wife and beautiful children, I will ALWAYS BE MISERABLE because I will ALWAYS be fighting with my own mind. How can you enjoy anything exterior if you are unstable inside? No therapists understand me, medicine does not come close to addressing the real issue. My issue is my over active cortex... something so complex, it's functions are no where near able to be understood by scientists. F** you who says you can help me. F*** you who says I'm able to be helped. You don't know me. You don't know my problems. I have nothing exterior wrong with my life. I have a beautiful, loving, caring, smart, somewhat healthy family with a big house. I have an education, opportunities ga lore and friends. I have loving pets. But it is all tarnished by my mind, poisined by over thinking. It's who I am. And it hurts. I don't know how to help myself. My problems are so deep that I don't know if I'm able to help myself. I... just want to start over. Please God.
Suicide - B from Holland - Mar 21st 2010
Im a 15 year old male from holland and i want to make an end of my life.(sorry for my bad english) I've read almost all comments on this subject and i can find myself in lots of them. I have autism and i have the feeling nobody understands me. I dont have a lot of friends and i dont have a friend to talk with about stuff like this. I've tried but they dont take me serious.
the basic reason for me to kill myself is that im simply done with life. im very spoilt and my parents are pretty rich. if i want something they'll buy it for me. A while ago i got this terrible feeling that it isnt gonna get better from here. im gonna have to work my whole life, doing stuff i dont like and want to do. Also, i think i've seen everything in this world. I dont know if this is me or my autism speaking but 'What are we all doing' i feel like im the only smart person in this screwed up world. I know im not alone but i never met someone thinking like me.
I never tried to kill myself actually but i thought of many ways. My best solution would be a gunshot to the brains but the law in holland says having a gun is taboo.
Why im writing this? Just to tell my story to someone who is listening and takes me seriously. it kind of makes me feel better. please if someone knows a way for me to get rid of the thought that my life isnt gonna get much better, tell me. I'll aprieciate it very much.
Please take this comment seriously and please respond.
B From Holland
suicide can be rational, brave, and the smart choice - Logan - Feb 26th 2010
Mr. Schwartz-MOST of the time going through with suicide can be and is rational, brave , and in your self-interest. Am I responsible for staying alive to make someone else happy such as family ,a therapist, etc. ? NO! Now that would be selfish in the truest sense to make a person go on living against their will just so that relative isnt sad.After about 30 years on this earth ive realised you can chart out your past, present, and future, and see if it is in your rational objective self-interest to commit suicide, for it is RATIONAL to bet on the most likely outcome. It isnt rational to live for 90% negative things and 10% neutral(neither possitive or negative) things that happen in SOME lives. If I objectively weigh all probabilities (which an individual knows their own interests, capabilities, thoughts etc. better than anyone else and so can be the most objective about it -if not completely objective) then why could it not be in their self interest to off themselves ?And dont give me the line about "mental illness or depression". Have you ever thought that depression is brought about by objectively looking at things and being realistic to the greatest probalility about their future and not about "emotions". No you probrobly haven't.They are feeling bad because they are as Dostoevsky wrote being "over-conscious" about the facts of life or simply being realistic- always having the facts before them.(notes from the underground) You got to have balls to off yourself so you cant say they are cowards. My father ended his own life when i was a teenager and I ,like most surviving relatives was sad etc. but now I realise that you are responsible for you first and foremost, not your sister, brother etc. and I would never try to stop a loved one precisely because I respect them too much. And if your going to off yourself do it out of rationality (which some do after MUCH deliberation- not simply impulse)NOT emotions.Maybe I need to reread some pathology books but I know that Schopenahuer, and the acknowledged expert Dr. Szasz, Hume, Cato, Hemingway, Senneca, Twain, etc. would all agree with me. My rights end only where another person's rights begin, and so each can do as she wishes provided it dosent impede upon another's rights. Do you believe in feedom or do you believe in locking someone up against that persons will simply because it would make YOU feel better that they were in the loony bin so that you could look at the SUPPOSED connection between suicide and serotonin levels. So called depression is NOT A MEDICAL ILLNESS much less a disease, so dont talk about "chemical embalances". Regardless if it's "big D" depression or "little D" depression. And as far as guns go yes I have a .380 pistol and yes my father used a shotgun, but that's the constitution, a person killed himself, the trigger didnt pull itself , so hell if there were no guns, would you outlaw kitchen and pocket knives? If a person said I'm going to blow my brains out while at a sesssion with you would you take away thier freedom just to appease your own misled mind and preconceived thoughts on suicide? I hope not. And as far as the isssue goes on suicidal parents with underage children goes, well dont you think that it would be a pretty sorry life to live for someone else because your own value isnt enough to go on living for itself? I for one dont want to go on living for someone else's importance because i'm not important enough to go on living for myself. If in the end you cant support yourself, then how could you support children as well even if it is their fault they opened their legs. Hell some will accept suicide becasue of physical pain but not from it being the logical thing, why not? Each should take a piece of paper and chart and weigh their probable future out as objectively as possible then make a decision. Let self interest guide you not desire, even thoygh they can both say the same thing. And yes, I take pride in being a hedonist, because I believe in freedom.
Responde to Alexx's Post - Anonymous - Jan 24th 2010
First, I would like to say that this was a very interesting and sad article. This is obviously an issue that our society must address. To the user "Alexx" who posted an earlier comment:
I don't think that you should be judging those who unfortunately choose the path of suicide by basically saying that everyone has pain and to get over it. It's a very inconsiderate thing to write when either loved ones of those who have committed suicide or those who have thought about it could be reading it. Also, you went on a tangent about how putting the gun in one's mouth is a quicker way to die than shooting the temple- you probably shouldn't be instructing people on how to properly committ suicice. Lastly, you said that shooting yourself in the head will "hurt like hell," but there is not possible way for you to know that, and anatomy does not suggest anything of the sort. I would know- I'm a Psychology student and I have breifly studied the anatomy of the brain.
Depression - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jan 8th 2010
While you are entitled to your opinion and I am happy to exchange ideas with you there is NO NEED TO CURSE!
As far as the issue of suicide is concerned, I have seen terrible suffering on the part of the mentally ill. However, I have also seen amazing recoveries. Add to that the fact that new and more innovative techniques are being explored and used to relieve suffering, there is every reason to hope. Brain surgery, uses of magnets, brain stimulation, etc, are being done to relieve the most stubborn depressions.
My point is that, "where there is life, there is hope."
A doctor should be more open minded - George - Jan 7th 2010
It saddens me to see that someone as educated as a doctor could be so narrow minded. Its obvious by the fact that you are a doctor that you have never experienced true mental illness. If you had life long mental illness youd understand that means you cant even get out of bed. It means wanting to shoot yourself 24/7 all day every day.
Therapy does not help everyone.
Medications dont help everyone. In fact they are barely better than placebo in most serious cases. Ive taken every antidepressant on the market and gone to years of therapy for nothing.
What then? Why should someone be forced to exist for the sake of their family. That is far more cruel then the alternative.
From abusing ecstasy I no longer have the ability to feel any sort of pleasure or emotions what so ever. I go through life as a mindless drone. This is true for alot of drug addicts especially meth/ecstasy addicts. This is for ten years going on with no lessening in severity. The doctors say that theres nothing that can be done.
So as a doctor get off of your fucking high horse and understand that some people have lives not worth living. There is no blanket rule you can claim in which suicide is never an option.
My best friend, I miss you - AussieRae12809 - Dec 7th 2009
Please anyone who is thinking about suicide PLEASE get help. My best friend who I trused with my life, took her own January 28th 2009. her name was Sydney Bonzer. She was a "normal" happy go lucky 16 yr old girl. She was smart, pretty, funny...she was the sweetest person you'd ever know.
No body knows exactly why she did it, she left no note, nor had any warning signs. She shot herself in her closet. She was a beautiful amazing girl, who will be missed more than anyone can even imagine.
I can honestly say I have never in my life felt more pain, depression and sadness then I did when I found out my best friend was gone forever.
I am only 17 yrs old. Sydney would be 17 now too. Its almost a yr and it hurts just as bad as the day it happened.
I have thought about suicide, I hurt myself for months trying to figure out why I didnt see any signs. But no one did. She kept them hidden.
She will never know my son, she will never meet my fiance, she will never dance at prom, get married or have any babies, she will forever be 16 and missed.
Please, it isnt worth it. I still randomly cry when Im doing things knowing its something Sydney will never do again. Please get help, dont do this to someone you love. The pain is more then you could even imagine, and I bet you if Sydney had a second chance, knowing what she made us all feel, she would NEVER do it again.
RIP baby girl. GNF12809
need references - Eddie - Oct 31st 2009
There are some interesting stats going on here. I'd love to see the references for them.
How discrimination takes place - RGrannus - Oct 11th 2009
I have a relative in NJ who was being treated for depression by his own psychiatrist. He went to a local clinic where a peer support group meets. The woman who ran the clinic convinced him to go to a local hospial's "crisis clinic", implying he would get more intensive help there (even though he told her he didn't have medical insurance). Instead they committed him because he had thoughts of suicide, which are commonplace in depression (in fact among the diagnostic criteria). And they stuck him with the bill for about $20,000! Like that kind of debt is really going to make him less prone to suidice!
What's more, his name is now in the record as having been "committed" to a mental ward. Sure, your medical records are supposed to be private--The kicker is that you have to give permission for them to be searched in a lot of areas. This guy used to do some skeet shooting, for example. Now he can't touch a gun unless he gets a special "certification" from a doctor--and how many will do that; they want to "cover their ass" like most people. As someone mentioned, the law tends to lump depression, eating disorders, and every other mental illness with homicidal maniacs. For all this talk about not stigmatizing the mentally ill, I see no evidence of it happening; in fact just the opposite.
All this will do is discourage the mentally ill from seeking the help they need, which is already a major problem.
Discriminaztion against the mentally ill - BOBG - Oct 10th 2009
What bothers me is that statistics like this, as well as anecdotes like the Virginia shooting, are used to discriminate against the rights and privacy of the mentally ill. Medical records should be strictly private, but you have to give permission for yours to be examined and get special permission from a doctor to buy a gun, for example. I suspect it will not be long before that's true for other things. But as we all know, the mentally ill are no more dangerous than anyone else.
You have to go thru it to know how desperate we can be - Sandy - Oct 8th 2009
I have been hospitalized 5 times in three months. I fight with myself every single day trying to stay alive. My friends have my knives - they've thrown out my razors (I already chopped up my arms pretting good with them). The Police took my gun - If I had it in my hands today I would use it. My family can't be bothered with me - not my kids - no one. what is the point of fighing the urge! I have dissociative Identify disorder, major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder - it will take months and months of psychotherapy to help me with this. In the mean time I have 4 lawsuits agains me by my own family. I have to sell my house. They've pulled my grandbabies from me. They are the only thing that made me want to work towards getting better. My quality of life stinks. It's not worth being alive just because someone says that is what I have to do.
When does it all end - Michael - Oct 3rd 2009
I guess my big question is when does this all end? Looking back on my life I have been dealing with depression since I was 14 years old. I moved from Indiana to North Carolina between 8th grade and my freshman year of highschool. I was always an outsider at that school and I never fit in with any of the groups. College started well, but in a quest for friends and struggling to be on my own, I flunked out. I think there were many screams for help, but they went unnoticed. My dad came to the rescue and allowed me to move home and finish up school and I did. Through all of this my parents, nor I, acknowledged I had some sort of problem. I jumped into a dead end managerial position as I felt I needed to be on my own - my parents rescued me when I was in trouble before and I didn't want to be more of a burden. Besides, the job paid pretty well for my first "real" job. I was young and single and moved off to Atlanta on my own. Alone in a new city and always lonely. I never really knew how to make friends and i still didn't. After several raises and going through the motions every day, the store that I worked in closed and I opted to transfer to Montgomery, AL . I didn't have the courage to try something new. THe thought of being unemployed and having to go back to my parents was a sign of failure to me and so I took the transfer. During these years alone I always prayed for God to send me the woman of my dreams. My first day in Alabama I was introduced to the woman who would become my wife only a year later. Then came our first son. The most wonderful thing to happen to me. I had committments now and was too scared to make a career change although I was completely miserable in my job. I wanted to be the best provider for my wife and son. Well, after purchasing a home, running up large amounts of debt, and going through bankruptcy, I found myself still stuck in a miserable job and the financial problems led me to always worry about money. In 2003 I had a breakdown. My wife and doctors told me that I had pneumonia (I did have physical symptoms, but a year later I found out that they kept me in the hospital for depression and anxiety). In 2004 I again had a breakdown and had to go into the psychiatric hospital for a week because of suicidal thoughts and inability to function. They wanted to keep me in the hospital longer, but I wanted out because no one would answer my questions or concerns about the financial aspects of the hospitalization and I didn't want to be in anymore debt. They wanted to put me in an out patient program, but once again, no one would answer any of my questions about the financial aspects. We had purchased a new home after the bankruptcy and I did not want the problems at the beginning of the marriage to occur again. So I stayed out of work on medical leave for 3 months. I looked for a new job every day. At the very end of my leave I had an offer for a job that I really thought was going to make a difference. It would have required a small cut in pay, but my wife assured me we could handle it. Between the job offer, acceptance, and giving a two week notice to my old job, we found out that another baby was on the way. I had a vasectomy 2 years prior and we were happy with one. Needless to say, I turned down the new job because with another baby on the way there was no way to take a cut in pay at this time. Here I was, back in the same old job where I was miserable. The second baby was born. Another one of the few happy moments in my life. After his birth, my wife was fired from her job. Through the marriage she had gotten fired from 2 jobs and demoted from another. I was always supportive of her through those times, but I think I resent her for it. Eventually she got another job, but I was still stuck in mine. In 2006, she convinced me to go back to school. I did, I had always wanted to be a teacher. She promised to support me through my school. It was going to be a very difficult time because I would maintain a 50 hour per week job while maintaining a full time schedule in my master's program. I started in January 2007 and after only 3 weeks into the program, she took all of my things to her mother's basement and changed the locks on our home. In my struggle to handle the balance school and work at the beginning, she abandoned me. 6 weeks later she let me come home. Things went ok until the summer. She wanted to have hard wood floors put into our living room. The day the people came to put them in, we both had to go to work. I left our dog in the back yard so that he would not tear up the inside of the house being locked in a room while the men worrked. He died that day and she blamed me for his death. After taking the summer off from school, I started back in the fall. At that time, while still working full time and going to school full time, she started getting baby sitters during the week so that she could go out to bars. In December I noticed she was using an email address again that she hadn't used in years. I knew the password to it and one day, out of curiousity, I went onto it. I discovered that she had been having affairs since I started back to school in the fall. She was always in a bad mood and we always argued. Finding out that information explained a lot. After the first of the year in 2008, she broke it off. However, her drinking and going to bars didn't stop. She then met another guy and began having another affair that was local. The other had been sporadic encounters out of town. Now she was cheating with someone local. After finding the numbers on caller ID and seeing that she communicated with him on that email, I confronted her with it. She announced she was filing for a divorce. I begged her to go to counseling and told her I would drop out of school and whatever was necessary. She did not budge on anything. She told me to stay in school since I was doing so well in school. I am really surprised that I didn't have a heart attack or stroke in 2008 dealing with the work, school, divorce, moving, and becoming a divorced parent with only visitation. Somehow I managed to get through, but I feel like I was letting everyone down all the time. January of 2009 came and after 14 years at my previous job, I was able to quit to complete a full time teaching internship. I cashed in my 401K money to pay the bills during most of 2009. I graduated, another happy moment. I spent the summer with my children which was nice except for the fact that I had no money to do anything with them and we stayed in my apartment with the exception of a trip to my parents house. I also had to spend the summer searching for a job as a teacher. I really wanted a position in the county that I lived in and turned down a good job in a neighboring county that I received early on. Well, the job in my own county didn't happen and I ended up settling on a position that I am not meant for. I am teaching 5th grade in an inner city school. I had my sights set on teaching2nd or 3rd grade, but I had to settle for this one. I have felt like a failure and behind every day since I was hired one week before school started. My days are spent from 5 in the morning til 9 at night getting ready for work and working. I have no time to spend with my kids even when they are with me because I am constantly trying to get caught up with work. I feel like a failure and everything that I went through with school was a waste of time. I have thoughts every day about driving my car into a truck or something of the sort. If I had a gun around I think I would have used it long before now. I still go to church, I guess deep down I wish there was a God who might make things better, but I always ask myself how realistic that is seeing as though I have had so much negative for so long. Is this some kind of cruel joke? Why would a God do this to someone? Needless to say, I just wish it would all be over. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I wish I would be run over by a car and killed. I wish something bad would happen and kill me. I seem to have a better chance of having bad things happen to me than hoping things could change for the better.
Suicide is a real option. - No one important. - Aug 27th 2009
it is easy for those of you who have not felt what it is like to experience this to say that we can "get over it", "buck up" or as my oh-so- compassionate ex-girlfriend liked to say while she was kicking the hell out of my heart, "grow up!"
I have thought about suicide every single day now for the last several years. I have always, always had major bouts of depression but there was a time when I could get past them and feel better for a while. Twenty-two years ago my girlfriend who I loved beyond description left me to have an affair with her married boss. That broke me. It sent me spiraling down into another place and I have not been able to come up.
I have never been popular, everyone thought I was weird growing up. I am of mixed race heritage and have always been pigeon holed because of that as well. (Hey, I can't help the skin I was born in and I sure as hell didn't ask to be this color.) I suspect that this is also a reason that my old love left me as she is Egyptian-American and they, along with just about every other ethnic group hate people of African descent. (No, despite being part of Africa Egyptians do not consider themselves African in any sense and hate blacks in general.) Even though we looked alike and were the same coloring she still probably considered me inferior. This was not helped by the fact that her white best friend told me I was nothing but a bed buddy for her, this despite her telling me she loved me.
All of this has simply added to the feelings I have about myself being absolutely worthless. I have failed at everything I have tried to do in life despite giving it my all. I am presently jobless and living back home with my mom, in debt and frustrated to no end. I watch people half my age that I got started in my chosen field pass me by and do well and then stop taking my calls. I am greatly resentful of that as this field relies on connections. I have been bankrupted twice in twelve years and that has hampered my attempts at getting a job-any job. I wake up angry and I go to bed in a white hot rage every single day.
I gave away my gun and God, do I wish I had it now. I am exhausted and cannot get any help! I was in therapy but when I lost my last job there went the medical benefits and in the city is closing all the free clinics. It is all I can do not to jump in front of a train or stab myself with a large knife. The major reason I have not is to spare my mom. She could not take it and I don't want to hurt her.
I feel lost all the time and no longer believe in God. I think if a God exists he has the personality of a mean spirited 14 year old that bullies children and tortures small animals for fun. I can't believe in a supreme being that allows all the horrible things that mankind does to itself. He just sits on high with a magnifying glass in the sun and burns us ants on the little hill laughing at us.
I believe now that we don't have much longer to go as a species anyhow. We have exhausted the planet and are overpopulating it to destruction. I have no children and have no plans for them anymore. I only want to hear my former love tell me she is sorry for hurting me. I don't need to know the details of why she left (though I think of that all day, every day) I only need her to know that I feel incredible pain due to her loss in my life. That I feel my life would be totally different if she had been in it, as unrealistic as some of you might think that is. I simply want her to say "I am sorry I hurt you". but everyone tell me I would only push her farther away from me. (She was lead to believe that I was a real monster by her lover/boss (who is white by the way) after I threatened to tell his wife he was having an affair with her. He lied and told her I threatened his family. ) She eventually married someone else years later and made a lot of money so she is happy.
I can't stand myself anymore and even have trouble looking in the mirror. I feel horrible hatred for the man I see as having destroyed my relationship and anger towards my former. I still think of her every hour of every day and that is no exaggeration. I am so angry and frustrated and contrary to what you might hear, there is no help! I cannot go to the hospital, I have no money! I cannot get treatment! I don't know what to do! I was supposed to do well in life. I had talent and a high I.Q. and was supposed to make it. instead I can't even make a living for myself. What can I do? Someone please let me know.
Yes, I wish I had a gun right now. Believe me I would put it to it's best use.
Editor's Note: I do not agree that suicide is your best option, but I do recognize, as will many who read your comment, that you are in very deep and persistant emotional pain, a good deal of which you seem to relate to protracted grief over the loss of your long-ago girlfriend, and to a pervasive sense of failure and victimization (at the hands of prejudice, etc.). My hope is that you can and will find a therapy situation that will work for you, and that you will take advantage of the various online support community offerings out there: ours, mental earth's and those available at psychcentral.com and healthyplace.com included.
Oh yeah...suicide - Alexx - Jun 18th 2009
Well I think all of you need to wake up. You think your the only ones in pain? Just about everyone who lives in our modern civilized world and isnt rich or famous is depressed. Its sad but true. We toil our lives away for nothing and we get the crap end of everything. Then you have your own personal things...maybe you are lonely, and feel like you will always be that way. Maybe you just feel ugly or worthless or your tired and worn and sick of never going anywhere. Maybe you know you will never achieve your dreams and your destined to live an unremarkable life. Maybe you just cant find interest in anything at all...everything seems hopeless. Maybe you have expirienced a terrible tragedy and/or lost someone you loved. Maybe you feel like there is nothing more you can accomplish in life and your at your bitter end.
But guess what? That little voice in the back of your head that makes you reconsider while you got your finger on the trigger, that feeling, is built into your natural genetic coding, into the coding of every living thing on the planet. Your instincts tell you that you should stay away from danger to preserve your life and this is not something I can deny. Its EVERYTHING that I am, my instinct to not die is so strong that I cannot overcome it...its always there no matter what I do, even if I tell myself that I MUST die.
Theres a bird somewhere living in a home built of twigs (I imagine most of your homes are much better than that?) that just had her only three chics taken and killed by a hawk before her very eyes, her nest... destroyed. Now she is all alone in the world.....you think this bird is going to attempt suicide now? Get depressed and wait for the hawk to come back and get her? Nope. She is going to get started collecting twigs to build a new nest and do the best with what she has because thats what her instincts tell her she should do, and animals dont dare deny their instincts. We shouldnt either. Too bad human instincts are all diluted by society, media, politics, economy, and the way we live in general.
I imagine myself being born into a world where humans still live naked in the wild. I think I would be happier in that world. There would be no time for depression we would be pre-occupied with tracking down our next meal. Then we could see what our animal instincts are really made of. God I would love it! I feel like we have become wastful, lazy beings that only consume and act like we are somehow on a higher level than the rest of the animal kingdom. In my opinion our model for how we should live should be animals in the wild. They are wiser and I think lead much more enjoyable existances than we ever will in our "civilized" world. We are the only species that will even consider suicide, and that tells us something is fundamentally wrong with the way we live.
To anyone who thinks a gunshot to the head is the best way to go. Sure if you put a shotgun to the roof of your mouth and fire you will empty out your brain cavity and die 100%. There is no 3% chance of suriviving that one, you will be dead with a 0% chance of survival. Thing is a bullet or a wad of buckshot traveling at mach 2 through your head is going to hurt worse than any pain you could possibly fathome, even if it is only for a split second. The anatomy behind it says it will hurt, hurt like hell. So your last moment will be an utterly miserable expirience. Take your finger and stab the side of your head pretty hard with it...now imagine that pain intensified times 1000. If you shoot yourself in the temple you will most likely die but not instantly. You will probably live for 1-5 minutes while you bleed out and die and who knows what that expirience would be like....it could seem like an eternity to you.
And remember there is no coming back. I am not a religious person. But I cannot rule out the possibility of a higher being, or an afterlife. There is just too much we dont understand about our universe. In the scope of the universe we are but a microscopic spec in a vast dark void. Maybe there is a hell? And maybe suicide is the express lane to hell? Who knows? I know it sounds absurd but could you imagine shooting yourself and winding up with an eternity of misery? No thanks ill follow my intincts instead, which I always do when I am thinking of suicide. Of course I dont know maybe you just fade from existance, a complete loss of conciousness in which case you are permanetly ending your own existance. Thats what science says will happen. Maybe things aint so great here but its better than the unkown I say. Our instincts tell us that death will not be pleasent, in fact it is the single worst thing that can befall upon us from that standpoint. Follow your instincts people and if you do decide to commit suicide dont be so fast to silence that voice in your head. It's WHAT you are on the deepest level!
broken heart - Deborah - May 25th 2009
The gun was in the closet...had it always been in the closet with one set of shells just above it? I can't remember...all I remember is trying to take the large hunting rifle away from the love of my life, He was so angry and in a state of pure anxiety he shoved me out of the room..."Im' leaving!" said a demon I had never seen before. A demon at a the darkest hour before dawn...but had the gun not been there I could have saved him. He died on my shift, under my care, on my love. Everything can be fixed...if there is a will there is a way...if not why push death...it is only an instant away in God time...we'll be gone soon. Let the tides roll, but I guess my loves mind was too busy worrying about everything and he was sad about life. It was his choice...he had thought about it before that night...that night was the last straw...I hate guns, but you can do it anyway you want it.
I miss him...I feel at fault, I did not save him...his grief has been shifted to me...I now hold the demon and he will not let me go at the darkest hour before dawn, but I will have to live it out...because I am on a journey here...that will continue on the other side...there is no end...just a circle.
The real shame is ... - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Apr 27th 2009
While I understand that you mean well, I cannot agree with you and on many points that you make. Mental illness is an illness and has nothing to do with values. Rather, it is a malfunctioning within the brain and within the nerve cells of the brain. Medical science is continuing to advance ways to end depression by correcting what goes wrong among the 10 billion nerve cells comprising the brain. We already have medications that relieve suffering from depression and are learning aabout new techniques to help those who do not respond to medicine. In addition, there is Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy that works well with mood disorders.The problem does not have to do with giving the right to suicide but with getting people to the help they need. Statistics reveal the horrifying fact that, even today. the vast number of people suffering from depression and other mental disorders are still not getting any help. The real shame is that too many of these people commit suicide because of not getting that help.
pistol - - Apr 27th 2009
my friends son knows a young man who tried to use a shotgun to blow his head off. Only to partially blow part of his jaw and face off and survived. Now he has a fighting will to live every day. maybe a high powered pistol would work the best. But what if you screw up and live like a vegetable the rest of your life in a nursing home. where you sit in your own urine and stools. Is it worth it? If only the Lord would take you when you've had too much emotional suffering. i've lived through 2 life threatening illness's and the Lord keeps me alive. I'm now disabled and can't work. my income sux and theres nothing I can do about it. A daughter I lived for and raised doesn't want to live by me anymore because I limit her time with her posessive boyfriend. It sux. I'm hurt inside so much. My physical pain is nothing compared to having my heart ripped out. What is this life. Alot of pain for me.
suicide - guest - Apr 26th 2009
I think it would be more compassionate to allow people who wish to commit suicide the freedom to control their own lives. People who try to prevent others from commiting suicide are inflicting their own values, morality and religious beliefs on suffering depressed adults and this is cruel in my opinion. Like it or not, there are people who suffer more than you can understand, and would like to end it. "Do gooders" lacking honest empathy choose to stand in the way of suicidal people, denying them their human right to control their body and life.Why force people to live by YOUR values? True compassion would be to set up a program to screen out people with temporary depression, that would allow those with chronic long term depression to chose to end their suffering in a dignified, comfortable, supportive setting.
Suicide - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Apr 18th 2009
You state that suicide is not wrong. I am going to write an article about this issue and what you have gone through. I understand that you are looking for anti depressant medication and that Doctors have not returned your phone calls. However, medication was of limited help for you in the past. The answer is never only medicine. You need to be in psychotherapy in order to learn how to think more clearly and how to get more pleasure out of your life. If you are going to use Jesus as an example then please, get your religious facts straight. He did not commit suicide. In addition, the religious teaching is that he suffered so that others would not. Chritianity and all the other main religions view suicide as a sin. You are depressed and not thinking clearly. I want to stronly advise you to get emergency help for you self immediately so that you do not hurt your self. You can call 911 or the suicide prevention hotline or go your local hospital emergency room and ask for help.
It is not wrong... - Tony - Apr 18th 2009
I believe that suicide should be legalized. People who want to end their life should be able to do so with help from a professional. It doesn't have to be a doctor. I think of suicide every day. My main reason is depression. I will probably kill myself when I think the time is right. I am single and don't have kids by choice. I do not want them to have my bad genes. My mother is in a nursing home, if she could see herself she would want to die. The problem is that her mind is gone and she doesn't know any better. I cannot go visit her because all I think is that I should be helping her die. The way I see it, there are too many people in this world. We are squizing the life out of this planet and things will only get worst. Suicide would bring the numbers down and make life better for the people who want to live. I am 45 years old and I have been on medication on and off for years. The meds make me feel better but I have had to increase the dose overtime for it to work. As far as asking for help, I have called two doctors to see if they could help me find a better medication and none have called me back. You would think that a mental health provider would be concerned about someone calling him. In the end of the day nobody cares if I live or die. That is true for most people. Everyone is replaceble and we are all going to die anyway. What difference does it make if it is sooner than later? For the religious people I like to tell them that Jesus comitted suicide by cross. It is more painful than I would like but it was effective for him. He was 33 years old.
Despair and hopelessness. - John - Apr 9th 2009
I have wanted to end my life since I was 8 years old. I pointed a gun at my head when I was 10 years old but could not do it then.
Here I am many years later having given away most of my wealth ($250,000) and in the grips of despair. I want to die but still have not found the courage to pull the trigger. I think the real cowards are those like me - not those who do it.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of killing myself. I somehow doubt I ever will. Well, I am almost 50 years old now and if I haven't done it all this time, I somehow doubt I ever shall.
Not a coawrd's way out - - Apr 5th 2009
For some, suicide is the cowards way out. For others with severe a debilitating mental illness, it may be the only solution. If you are considering suicide, see a doctor and do everything that you can to get help. I know for myself, suicide is an option. If/when I do it, it will not be the easy way out and I'm not a coward. Mental illness is a disease of the mind, body and soul. Mental illness can mean a life of deep and profound pain with no solution. God has nothing to do with it for people like me. I'm not a coward. If people who say that we are cowards, had a hint of an inkling of a clue the depth of the pain, the perpetual pain with no end, they would not say that. Ordinary people experience pain and it passes. For people with incurable mental illness, the pain does not pass (39 years with no relief) and not for lack of trying every available solution.
Suicide - Allan N Schwartz - Mar 20th 2009
It seems fairly clear that you are experiencing Major Depression. Today, more than ever before, depression is treatable. That is important for you to know because, with treatment, you can attain vigor, optimism and the ability to enjoy your life. I want to encourage you to seek treatment as soon as possible so that you can reverse your hopelessness and be able to take in some of the wonderful things about life.
Do it - Wyld1USA - Mar 20th 2009
Suicide is the best answer. If I knew I could pull the trigger and be part of the 97% success rate I would. with the way my life goes I would be int eh 3% and end up in a wheel chair or disabled not even be able to try again.
I mean really, come on, life is only good for 20% of the population that have money and life success. The "pretty people". I have absolutlely nothing to look forward to or be happy about. I have never had anything other than a moment (brief) here and there of happiness. 97% of my life is just sheer loneliness and unsatisfaction.
Society is set up to have 80% of the population fail. I am 47 and just tired of working 10 hours a day, come home to nothing good to wake up and have it start all over. Then the weekend comes...and nothingness.
Tell me where I need to point the gun where I will die instantly and what caliber to use and i'm gone.
To Prettygone - Allan N Schwartz - Mar 16th 2009
So, now you are going to commit suicide because of him? I want to remind you of an old but true saying: Success is the best revenge. Instead of dying what about living and thriving and becoming happy? You can do these things but you must get help first. I want to urge you, beg you, plead with you to call 911 Emergency and tell them that you are suicidal and you will hurt your self unless they come and help. Or, take your self to the hospital emergency room and say the same thing. Do not put on any make up but just look as you are. You will be admitted and you will start to get some real help. Do it, you deserve to get help so that you can start your life new.
just waiting4 nothing - prettygone - Mar 16th 2009
Hi I'm 39 and this is it for me.I was bright,attractive ambitious and successful in all Ive done,my childs suicide then a 14years of being abused and bashed..kept like an animal in the last 2years told and made to feel not only that I dont exist,but egoless and cant even walk out the door as he deliberately made me feel so unattractive and worthless........then he has an affair,even caught red handed he tells me I'm insane and imagined it...she has stalked me over years and caused me to withdraw..ruined my social and profesional integraty cause she was jeolous and he would almost help her..beating me if I said a word against her...they both have drained all my money.....hah and I helped them both never di I think anything was going on...........how could I let all this happen?I loved and trusted him.He cut me off from evryone,Ive none left...he kicks me down every second of my damm life....I gave up why bother with life he'l just take it off me...beat me scream and her support,signed my business over to them before I found out.......he wouldnt even let me have sunlight...not even walk onto the veranda...Im ashamed I cant tell someone Ive let this happen to me..........Im a shadow of who I was,in fact I have trouble remmebering who I was due to all the abuse...each day I cant get through waiting to die.............just existing their somewher cause I no longer exsist...............now I am insane,now I dont look pretty,now Im no longer bubly and bright,now Ive no money and my carer destroyed,I dont even have self respect................I dont eat,bath or drink to the point I even ignore being very dehidrated.......I feel to repulsive for some to smail at me I run away like a mad woman.........tryed to get help.....there's nothing out there like they say......inadequete help........or Im too hard and pass me on.....I havnt paid my health insurance or stuff I should..well Ive been waiting for it to end and he'll get angry if I do cause he wants that control....Ive nowher to go..refuge maybe but hell where from there?None cares or wants to help cause Im not pretty or havnt money or something to give or bright anymore...............God 2years of being an animal.......I cant take it anymore...no life stimulation...just abuse Im warn down I give up on life...never thought Id be a looser...best I die!
Disappointmenting Life - Matt - Mar 15th 2009
Suicide is looking more and more like a good option. I am middle aged, my buiness went from very succesful to almost non-existent in these economic conditions. My debts are high, I have a felony conviction for fraud from 17 years ago so getting a job from someone is next to impossible, I have lied to my wife, she says she hates me but won't divorce me yet she does not want to help out with the household expenses. She has a fairly stable job and income. All the debts are in my name. She continually reminds me what a terrible person I am, just so you know I do not and have not ever hit her. We get into arguments but not physical. I get myself into situations where I feel I must lie to get out of them. I've disappointed my family, my wife and myself and am so tired of struggling to make things work. I feel I am down for the last time, it is all too overwhelming and no one really seems to care, all my life people have said if you need help let me know, but I can't remember too many times when anyone really meant it. I don't have a gun but I am looking at good alternatives and don't want to fail when I decide to end it and quit being a burden to my wife and myself.
Guns are a solution and a tool (Cont) - - Mar 10th 2009
You're right, my family may not be able to understand my suicide. Discussing it with them in advance has not resulted in anything positive. The only option is multiple individual notes to each family member stressing that it's not their fault, but mine and mine alone.
You ask if I've explored every option and alternative to suicide. In my own way, I'm sure I have. And yes, I've given these options pleanty of time to work. That's the problem. Regardless of my "options" and just "waiting" to see if things are going to change, I still return to the original plan.....a well-placed shot through the mouth.
Treatment? I've been on antidepresants for over a year and I've stopped going to see a counselor long ago. Neither were helpful in any way.
The problem is me and it's not solvable. There's nothing I like about myself, what I do, or what I am. And I'm doubtful that playing some anonymous online chat will change things either.
There just comes a time in some people's lives that you've come to the eventual conclusion that there's no sense in continuing to live. I'm just grateful that I have easy access to guns and can't think of a more perfect solution to the problem. Don't worry, I've already gone to great lengths to make sure I don't leave a mess behind. By the way, thanks for the reply.
Guns are a solution and a tool - - Mar 3rd 2009
It will not be long before I shoot myself. Just waiting for some other plans to fall in place. I sure hope my family understands.
Editor's Note: Honestly, the great liklihood is that your family will not be able to understand or comprehend your action; will become brokenhearted at their loss of you. Depending on how functional your family is (or dysfunctional) they may express this loss in different ways, but it is very likely that by killing yourself you will permanently wound them.
Have you explored every option and alternative to killing yourself? Have you given these options enough time to work? Have you sought out treatment for depression or whatever other condition is underlying your suicidal urges? When you are depressed, very often your coping abilities are vastly reduced and what might be a solvable problem in other circumstances appears to be unsolvable. But the fact remains that with a little help, the problem(s) may in fact be solvable, at least to the extent that you won't need to kill yourself.
Perhaps try talking about the issues you face in an anonymous online community such as the Mental Help Net Support Community or Mental Earth ?
sh*t - average joe R.I.P. - Mar 3rd 2009
i hate humans, we are all living (pardon my drunk spelling) hipocrits! life sucks.. no matter how much good i do, i always end up feeling like sh*t, a faliure, a waste of life. loseing my girlfriend helped me relize how much ive been faking happiness. i have 50,000$ dollars in student loans and im such a mess ill never achive what i thought i could in the beggining. i graduated with my AA but the school screwed me in loans for what i learned and could earn.. 50,000$ HAHAHAH CMON!!! i know, i signed the papers, my mistake. i honestly believe human beings were never supposed to evolve this far. our society is way to complex and dosent reward hard workers. i raped myself for what i thought was a future, now i am working at a decent job for the shape of the economy, but still cant make ends meet. religion is proved fake by astrology, all christianity is.. is a hybrid astrological tale created by the egyptians the help personify our planet and is soloar system. if havent tried to put the pieces together with that, im sorry, youre retarted. screw it. there isnt room for all of us anyways. trillions of people have died throughout history in endless circumstances. whats the difference? guns, swords, murder, war, natural deat, accedental... god doenst care because there is no god.. im sorry to sound like an athiest. i was raised christian and now i i have felt more lied to by the church. untaxed donations hmmmmmm.. and when i asked about the dinosaurs in sunday school they said " god put them thier to test my faith" well... test this! POW!
The Law - Allan N Schwartz - Feb 26th 2009
Unless I am mistaken (I am not a lawyer) suicide is not a right and is even illegal. Partially, the illegality has to do with the fact that a suicidal act can endanger the lives of other people. For example, a gun shot can travel and hit other, innocent bystanders. Besides that, there is the obvious fact that suicide has a powerful harmful impact on other people. This includes everyone from family members and friends to the people who find the body afterwards. Lastly, is the fact that in both the Bible and the Koran, suicide is a sin. Sorry, suicide is many things but it is not a personal right.
after my dog dies - - Feb 26th 2009
Suicide is a personal right and option. I'm glad to learn that the use of a gun is 90% successful and after my dog dies I will make use of this information. thank you.
To Lyric - - Feb 19th 2009
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. The depression your husband felt was too much for him. He will NOT be reliving it over and over again. He was sick. It's an illness.
Grieving Mother - Allan N Schwartz - Jan 28th 2009
You are on disability and that means that you now have Medicaire and Medicaid. There are many non profit health agencies and clinics that will take both of those as payment for psychotherapy. You do not need to buy separate health insurance since Medicare and Medicaid are you insurance. Perhaps what they mean is that your Medicare has not yet kicked in. It should soon.
I am not sure what group you are referring to unless you mean our online community. That should be very easy and I do not know what problem you are having if that is the problem.
what if the "Help" being offered ISN'T helping?" - Grieving Mother - Jan 28th 2009
I have no insurance since I was approved my disability said I cant get it until May. I do go to the state mental health clinic. The ONLY one in the state, which was just in the news for a man who was court ordered to go there who killed 2 kids with a basball bat and they didnt even have an intake on him... he didnt show up for appointments, no follow up was made... this is the only place I have to go. THe mention of the inmate.... made me feel like I too an an inmate. Prisoner to my house, afraid to go out unless I really have to, I am in constant physical pain from my back after back surgery 2 years ago.. Physical pain and the all consuming grief of my 7 year old daughter being killed, hit by a car, (the flashback never goes away... and the man at fault got nothing but a damn ticket. It's too horrible to be true, but it is. Sometimes I feel what is this life? It is just exhisting. It is not living. But i go on now only for my dogs for I have no family left. I have done a lot of study on the afterlife and believe that even suicides go to our loved ones, crazy as you may think I am, I have had a few famous mediums agree with that. I do not fear death anymore. I welcome it. But as long as my (OUR, they were my daughters) dogs are still alive I HAVE to go on. And sometimes I just look at them as they sleep and wonder how the hell I'm going to do it. I just wish someone would tell me how to do that when my feet feel like they have cement blocks on them. I am on antidepressants, sleeping pills, & valium. I couldnt make it through a day without them, tried and it was bad. I want someone to tell me WHEN does it happen that you feel like you can go on??? 3 years, 8 months is a long time to feel like I'm drowning. I've read about complicated grief, P.T.S.D., clinical depression, but I've wonder... for some does it NEVER go away? Is this as good as it gets? P.s. Dr. Schwartz, I have tried to join the group unsuccesfully, could you help me?
Sending you all suffering from despair some comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Risks of Failure. - Mark (MA) - Jan 9th 2009
The thing that scares me most is failure. I saw it mentioned earlier that a great risk is ending up like a vegetable. 4 years of constant deep depression is a sign.
Do the risks out-weigh the benefits?
How much longer? - Steven Greiner - Dec 21st 2008
I am fifty three with no children. I lost the job that took me fourteen years to get due to four of my five lumbar disks failing. Two surgeons said I am a poor candidate for surgery as the bad disks are stacked on top of each other.
I am in bed most every day. Simple things like taking a shower is very painful. Living high on medication is not something I enjoy. People no longer visit me as I am not normal like they are any more. I have a 38 special loaded so I have means one and two already taken care of. I have had two similar dreams where I will shoot myself in the back yard. I used to play Christian music and am unable to do that now. I understand I am depressed and prozac is not helping.
I have become a burdeon to the working class and this in itself bothers me.
It is good there is a place to share what this is like. I could go on and on but enough is said. Save the room for others who are ready to go.
Agreed - Allan N Schwartz - Dec 4th 2008
Agreed, guns are not the only cause of suicide, nor does the article say this. Agreed, eliminating guns (a totally impossible task anyway) will not end suicide. But, those who attempt suicide by other means are far less than 100% successful. While those who attempt suicide with guns are almost 100% successful. Tragically, too many of the successful suicides by guns are teenagers and when they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The purpose here is not to be anti gun, the purpose here is to raise awareness of an extremely dangerous situation in which kids are walking around with guns, in schoo, the streets and elsewhere. And these are good kids who are in despair because someone broke up with them, failed an exam in school, got bullied, lost a parent, etc, etc and who use drugs and alcohol. Guns must be kept out of the hands of kids. How to do it??? I do not know but I have known too many awful circumstances where High School kids took their own lives.
suicide & guns - - Dec 3rd 2008
As a mental health professional, but also as someone who has personally wrestled with my own suicidal thoughts during times of stress, I have my own personal and professional perspective. I am not saying that it is right perspective. But as a gun owner, and also as someone who has struggled with these issues, I think it is a mistake to blame suicides on guns. I agree with the writer who expressed that guns are merely a method, albeit a very lethal means, but not the root cause of the despair that drives people to suicide. Personally, I feel that when people get to that jumping off place, when they are committed to ending their own lives, they will kill themselves whether a gun is available or not. Responsible gun ownership considers the safety of everyone in the household, and not leaving guns unlocked where children, including adolescents, can get their hands of them. Then there are the very impulsive, rageful sufferers who may try suicide in a fit of rage. The access to a firearm may be decisive in these cases, but certainly not in all cases of suicide. I had a very dear friend who committed suicide many years ago. He had a rifle and shotgun in the house and had a neighbor keep them for him, as he could no longer trust his judgement and was chronically suicidal. He ended up asphyxiating himself with exhaust in his pickup truck. While the preponderance of suicides may be committed with firearms, the correlation does not prove that they cause suicide. Eliminating access to firearms is not going to deter people from committing suicide.
Options - Allan N Schwartz - Dec 3rd 2008
It is my professional and personal opinion that suicide is never an option. However, I am NOT discussing those who are terminally ill and do not wish to be kept alive with electonic equipment. That is a different and comples issue that I choose not to take up at this time.
In all other circumstances, life presents alternative solutions to suicide. This is important to remember because feeling extremely depressed and suicidal is a mental state that passes, even if it takes a while to pass, at least for some people. Even those who are wrongly imprisoned, and there have been unfortunate cases like that, sucide is not an option. Among those cases are people whose innocence was discovered years later and were released. Those are people who welcomed their release and went on to live their lives.
Choose life, not death.
is suicide sometimes an option? - jury - Dec 3rd 2008
Here is a question for anyone, thinking about death. I am included in this but have not reached those 3 phases although I have thought about it and its on the back burner. Just like anything else I like to understand the pros and cons to it. Does the reality of the situation out weigh the reasons or vice versa. For instance, say a person is terminally ill and can't have any quality of life, they suffer every day with no way to get better and their lives are full of pain. Is their a justification for suicide here or people think it isnm't morally right in the eyes of god or the law? These questions are prevalent in every situation. Here is another one, say a individual is to be sentenced for 15 years in jail for something they didn't do and they know they are innocent. In this situation this person is charged with the death of a loved one, but didn't kill the person and didn't have any control of the situation. they however do know that they would rather be dead then be stuck in jail living for the better part of their life in a 6 by 6 cell with a bunch of criminals that are nothing like themselves. Is this person wrong for not having a reason to live? I personally believe that if thier is no quality of life and only suffering then what is the point of living! Where is the rational thinking involving death? People are always saying NO, to the idea of suicide. But aren't their certain situations that can at least merit some people to agree with the idea that ending suffering isn't always bad. and is some situations actually a positive thing to end suffering. I have always heard people say that life is worth saving, but the quality part is always never mentioned. The hypocratical oath doesn't have quality of life in it, it just says that everything possible must be done to try and save the life. I don't agree with this if a person doesn't have quality of life. For instance the individual in the prison situation doesn't have any quality his age is 30 and his mother and father will probably be dead when he gets out, his loved one died and he lived not by his cause, when he gets out he will be old with no job a criminal record, His skills will not be up to par in society and he will have to pay back the state for being in prison along with 100,000 dollars in loans and fines that weren't paid previously. this person will spend the next 10 years of their life trying to pay the bills and make ends meet. He will have no chance for a family, wife or kids, if he is to work a dog to try and survive. I don't call this living, I call it a waste of life and death the best choice if this person chooses to do so. ultimately death is up to the person and if they want to do it, with a legitimate reason than just like john lennon said, "Let it be"..
take me away - dead man - Nov 22nd 2008
im scArred for life and i will never forget some things. a shotgun is the only solution.
Editor's Note: There are other, non-lethal solutions. Suicide should always be considered only as a last resort. Please seek help for your pain.
Suicidal Thoughts - Allan N Schwartz - Nov 14th 2008
Dear Grieving Mother and Mark,
I would like to invite each of you to join our Mental Health Online Support Community . There, you can write all you want and will find other people in the same or similar circumstances as your own. There are many forums and you just choose the one best for you. There is no cost but the emotional support you will get is very rewarding.
Grieving Mom, I am please that writing here is helping you. I am one of the professionals directly involved in the Support Community and really think this could help you a lot. There, you and I could continue to talk and you will here from other people as well. What is better is that some of these are people who have been or are in the same or similar circumstances.
Come aboard, I will be looking for both of you. Mom, it will really help.
Allan Schwartz, PhD
Opportunity and Impulse - Mark - Nov 14th 2008
I agree that people who think about suicide (we all know who we are) should avoid tempting themselves with the means. I think there are several stages to suicide: thinking about it, obtaining the means, and then using them. It's easier for an impulse to take you through all three if the means are already at hand.
I find myself throwing up any barrier I can find that might prevent me from going from stage one to stage two, because I fear that stage three would be all too easy. But for all I know, I might be kidding myself. I've been on bridges and parking garages, and I'm still here.
I think I'm just confused about why.
Dr Schwartz from Grievieng Mom - - Nov 14th 2008
Dear Dr. Schwartz,
Again, Thank you very much for replying to me. I know all of what you say makes logical sense. The thing is there is nothing logical in the way of my thinking anymore. Nothing makes sense. Life makes no sense to me anymore. Maybe if I tell you a little more, you can better understand me. I had a terrible mother and swore I would be nothing like her. Thank God I lived up to that with my daughter. I told her every single day how much I loved her. Everyday I hugged her, kissed her, she knew she was loved. You mentioned that out children, if they were meant to grow up, will leave us at some time. We often talked about how she wanted to grow up and be a mom but she would still live with me, with her husband and children. We would never be apart. I even started my own cleaning business so I wouldnt make the same mistakes I did with my oldest daughter, working too much and having her spend so much time in the care of others. This way, we would alwyas be together when she wasnt in school. And she loved it. She would brag about how she was my little helper. People tell me I Ideaolized her. That's not true. She was perfect. Started kindergarten one year early, skipped first grade and was always on the honor roll. SHe could have been anything she put her mind to. She had the world at her beckoning. My life revolved around her..., class mom, tap and ballet and jazz since she was 3, school choir, cheerleading. I wanted nothing bu to be with her. I never even dated her whole life. There was no where I wanted to be with but with her. She truly was the most kindhearted sweetest person I ever knew. And I am so angry. Angry that a boy who was careless killed her and got no punishment. When it happened I even moved to another country because I knew I was capable of killing him and she wouldnt want to see me in prison. When i heard he murdered his girlfriend and was locked up, I came back to the states. I try to tell myself to be storng so I can speak at the trial. What I'm saying is that, without her, life is COMPLETLEY empty. Other than my dog, no one really cares from day to day. The first thing i said when I set foot out of the hospital that night was, "pepper, I need Pepper." (our dog I got for her the day she was born.) Pepper has not left my side since and I am very depressed lately seeing her aging and slowing down and wondering how the hell I'm to make it without her. Non-dog people wouldnt get that. But when I have panic attacks, which is mostly daily, she will sense it before they come on and come to me, lay her arm on my chest, hold me down and kiss me nonstop until I come down from it. I am 5'9" and was 142 when my daughter was killed. I went down to 98 pounds, trying to starve myself, thinking sooner or later I would die. It has done nothing but brought me to the hospital numerous times. Finally a Dr listened to me and sent me for a pscyc. eval where they declared me SMI and set me up with the only mental helath clinic in the state. THey are useless. My psychiatrist who is from India told me that God chooses the mothers of children who die to test their strength. I looked at her and told her, "well we can agree to disagree and tell God he wins, I give up." The only reason I deal with them is to get my meds. I am on paxil, valium and ambien. after many differnent tries of various meds. Without them I would be gone already. I am just so tired of the daily struggle. I look in the mirror and I dont recognize myself. WHen you have no family to speak of, why? Why go on??? It is I who am suffering and I am so tired. 3 and a hlaf years of nothing but pain and sorrow. When do I start to feel better??? I dont think ever. Not until I am with her again. I have become agoraphobic, I dont see people for months at a time, I cant handle being outside, the sirens, the traffic, I have to be on valium if I have to leave the house. I havent driven since it happened. (well, once I did and it was all bad, I had to pull over and I was shaking uncontrollably) Not because I'm afraid of killing myself in an accident, but because it brings it all back and I'm afraid I would kill someone else. I know it's irrational. But thats how it is now. I am content to be alone in the house with the dogs. No one understand like they do. I am very sorry for rambling on, but it does help to talk to someone who is listening. Thank you.
Grief - Allan N Schwartz - Nov 13th 2008
Dear Grieving Mother,
Of course you are correct when you say that there is no loss like that of a child. And, you keep wishing you had done things differently so that she would be alive today. Maybe, maybe not, we cannot know. What I know is that, when you feel a little better, you could start taking your therapy dog to hospitals and nursing homes to comfort others who are suffering. Yes, that would be a reason to keep going and it is a way to dedicate your life to doing good things in the name of your daughter. We cannot take back what has happened. What we can do is find new ways of making our lives meaningful. We have to because, even under the best of cicumstances, our children grow up (if they are meant to) and leave us, anyway. I am horrified by your friend who supports your idea of suicide. I never will and I never can. Life is too precious and that includes your life. There are so many things you could do to help others and do them as a way of keeping the name of your child alive.
Dr Schwartz & Lyric - grieving mother - Nov 13th 2008
Thank you both for writing to me. I do realize that the people who do still care about me would hurt. But as my sister in law said (after watching me wither away and give up since my daughter was killed... she said, I would feel sad, but I would feel that finally you wouldnt be in pain anymore, that you would be in peace. The fact that I have no real family who supports me or even talks to me anymore, (there was a rift in the family because my daughter was bi-racial) makes it hard. I know I have a few dear friends who love me and worry about me, but in the end, they have thier own lives, and day to day I am alone. I am not in a position (mentally or finacially) to adopt another child. I was declared SMI by the state and am on meds to make it through another day. The meds do help level me out, but still there is that despair and feeling like this life is empty and oh so lonely. My daughter was everything to me. My life revolved around her, and without her I do not know who I am anymore. I know it breaks her heart to see me suffering so, to see me drinking (which I never did her whole life) to see me depressed and crying and it breaks my heart, but also at the same time, I know she gets it. A short time before she was killed as we were going to bed and I told her how much I love her and I said, "If anything ever happened to you, Mommy would crumble up and die." She said, "I know Mommy." It was as though I had some psychic premontion something horrible was going to happen and I had no clue what. One day, she looked up to the sky and said, "Look Mommy, that's heaven." And then there is the guilt. I can never forgive myself for telling her to go outside and play with her friends just because I was tired from working a long day. I can not bear the flashbacks of seeing her in that state she was in when she was hit, I can not block the sounds of the impact, the screeching of the tires , the screams of people, out of my head. All I want is to be with her. It is such a struggle to make it through another day. I wake up and say *^%$ another day and when I go to bed I beg God to take me to her in my sleep and tell myself I'm one day close to being with her. I never knew such pain was possible. They say as time goes on it gets better, but I find the opposite, its gets worse... too much time has passed since we were together. I have never loved another human being as much as I loved her. My dog (now a certified therapy dog) is all I have to keep me going. I think of getting another dog, but then that would make me HAVE to keep going and I just dont want to, I just want this pain to end. I believe in the afterlife, I've have readings with mediums who have even been able to tell me HOW she passed and that she says she misses me and the dogs. I know she is still with me, though I cant see her. But we werent meant to be apart. I did read when Bad things happen to good people shortly after she passed, but honestly cant recall it as I was still in the shock state when I read it, so I will re-read it. My friends keep telling me i have a purpose here yet to fulfill, but in my eyes there is no greater purpose than to be her mother, to be with her, to be a complete family again (though I was a single Mom) I do have another child, 21 now who wont even talk to me, she treated Aliya horribly (a 10 year age difference between them ) and I know she feels horrible for the way she acted and is self destructing herself. I have tried over and over to reach out to her and now dont even have her phone number and she wont return my emails and its been since Feb since we last talked. So really, what is the purpose but to suffer daily? I need my angel, she needs me. I am so afraid. Thank you both for writing to me. I wouldnt wish the loss of a child on anyone, I dont think there is any greater loss in the world. It's just too much.
To Grieving Mother and Lyric - Allan N Schwartz - Nov 11th 2008
Dear Grieving Mother and Lyric,
Grieving Mother, I hope you read what Lyric has written about her losses and what she want through to reach her more optimistic conclusion about life being worth living.
No, most of us do not know what it is to lose a child and, even more, an only child. There is no question about the unimaginable grief you suffer. Your dog is a source of some relief. However, to take your life when this pet dies is not a solution. For example, when this pet dies, there are other dogs who need you. Even if you go to the pound and rescue one dog, you will be saving a life and giving your life more meaning.
There is a wonderful book that I want to recommend that you read: "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." The idea is to move on with your life, if for no other reason than to honor her memory. You can adopt a child. If you do not want to, you can foster a child, or you can volunteer and help in the public schools, the childrens's section of the public library.
In the end, it is important to think in terms of "what can I give, especially to honor the memory of my child?"
Suicide is not the solution
PS: I will write an article about this. Look for it.
Wow... - Lyric - Nov 11th 2008
So, to make this short and simple, my husband of 5 years committed suicide when I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd child...I thought my world was over...I woke up every morning trying to reason with what he had done...I would look at my son and get pissed off because he was a spitting image...It just wasn't fair...It eventually turned into severe depression for me...Depressed to the point where everything I looked at turned into an object of what I could use to kill myself with...I didn't understand why I had two boys with no Daddy...So, in a very low place I thought that they would be better off without me too...It was a selfish thought now looking back...I tried to Shove a box cutter in my juggler vein and although I have a nasty scar from it Im still living...It made me realize that what I was doing was stupid...It would have been a PERMENATE SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM....Sort of like it was for my husband...I think that everyone should know that they are worth more than that...The very low feeling that death can bring to people is something all of us have to endure at some point in our lives, its just a matter of how we handle it...I will never understand why my husband killed himself, but its not for me to understand...I like everyone else have to step up to the plate and continue living my life...I hurt for the fact that my boys will never know their Dad, but he made it that way, not me...Its not your fault that you feel the way you do, but don't hurt the people that love you by killing yourself...Seek help and try to work through the pain...Although very hard to do at times, its not up to us to take our own lives...Its up to GOD when we go...Its already written out and if you take your own life you are putting the already written story on hold...I feel like my husband is in a very bad place...A place that he will be in over and over again for the rest of eternity...Reliving his suicide...How painful is that...Worse I would say than the pain that reality and real life brings...Think about how you would affect others before you act and mainly think about what the problem really is and if it can be fixed...Where theres a problem, theres a solution...Trust in God and he will see you through...
i just cant take the pain anymore - grieving mother - Nov 10th 2008
I lost my littel girl 3 years 5 mohts ago to a speeding teen. I ran to find her lying in the street, I knew she was already gone though it was 5 and a half hours later before they pronounced her dead. I have recurring nightmares, flashbacks, and guilt over telling her to go outside to play with her friends. My family has abandoned me, I have no one but my dogs. Honestly if it werent for them I would have done this a long time ago, but my one special dog is getting up in years (11 years 4 months) once she is gone, I'm done.I have attempted supicide once by alcohol nd pills and obviously it didnt work. Every day is a recurring nightmare, I blame myself for telling her to go outside and play because i was tired. All that happend to the boy who hit her while crossing in a crosswalk by our house was a f&*^%$# speeding ticket! and not even a ticket for reckless driving and no insurance! Though now he is in jail for stangling and murdering his girlfriend. I am full of despair, my daughter age 7 years 8 monhts was my WHOLE life, she was my best friend. I have never loved anyone so much in my life and without her life is empty and pointless. I think about suicide every single day. I research ways to do it on the interent and think that a gun shot would be most effective. I believe we should have assisted suicide in this country. all the psychiatrists, grief counseors, psychologists etc have done nothing to help me. The meds do help with the plummeting darkness but it never goes away. All i want is to be with my daughter again. If you have not lost a child, there is no way you could possibly understand. I just want to know what kind of gun is the most effective. FOr when my dog passes I can go too, and we can be a family again.
Be sure! - - Oct 26th 2008
I have just lost my brother to the horrible mix of alcohol and guns. He was a gun owner forever and I can't blame just the gun. It was the mix. Sadness, Depression, alcohol and guns. Get help, talk to someone at least. This was someone who was not a mess up in this world. Someone that many many people respected and loved. I will never be the same, nor will anyone in the family. I know that it was a last minute choice. He may have thought about it in th past but actually doing would not have occurred without the mix and wrong state of mind at that time. This was someone who had just bought new things and food prepped for the next day. This was someone who made the wrong impulsive choice that fit the moment. All I can say is I hope he found his peace, while we all struggle the rest of our lives to find ours. Find the help you need if you are thinking about this...if you are an adult no one else can do this for you...do it for yourself.
someone loves you very much - - Oct 26th 2008
As I was reading everyone's comments, I began to realize that there are a lot of people in pain who don't reasons to live. My brother passed away a year ago. His blood alcohol level so high he was close to being unconscious. He owned a gun and took his pain away. I wish I could go back in time. He was only 26 years old and I want him here so bad. I hope all of you know that someone loves you very much even if you don't think so. For my brother, I didn't realize how depressed he was and how much he was abusing alcohol. I didn't know how much pain he was in. Now my family and myself are living this life as if we died. We just continue life because the world keeps on moving. My message for all those who want to take their pain away is to ask yourself why you are in pain...what is causing it...can you express it to someone or in a notebook...and someone loves you because I love my brother so much and I am having a very hard time making sense of life as well. I don't think he took the easy way out, I think he felt trapped and didn't know that there could be other ways to break this depression. It was hidden and I wish it wasn't and of course I wish I was able to talk to him more about what was going on in his head. Please express yourself more...and find something that you are really interested in...yoga, picking up an instrument, writing...etc. My brother would be here if alcohol, depression, and the gun were out of the picture...I would do anything to help him...but I didn't know. Please talk to someone you can trust...