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Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
Dr. Schwartz's Weblog

Men, Women, Marriage and Sex

Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: Mar 10th 2008

 "Dr. Laura" Schlessinger in her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, devotes a full chapter to sexual relations with the emphasis being on how wives seem to ignore the complaints and needs of their husbands.

Now, I am not a great fan of Dr. Schlessinger. And, I guess I am attempting to provoke something of a debate here. But,is it possible that there is something to the complaint that so many husbands have about not having enough sex with their wives?

Dr. Schlessinger includes copies of letters from some husbands and wives about their sexual problems. All of the sample letters relate to men feeling deprived of sex as a result of the attitudes their wives have. What attitudes?

According to Dr. Schlessinger women are great at attracting the men they want. She states that part many women show a lot of enthusiasm about sex in the early relationship with their boy friends, fiancees and young husbands. They wear sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret, are careful about their makeup so that they look terrific to their men and include wearing delicious perfumes as part of their strategy to attract and keep their men.

However, Dr. Laura continues, after a number of years of marriage and children many of these wives become disinterested in sex. As examples she cites the fact that: 1) They go from having sexual relations three or four times per week to once a week or less; 2)They act offended when their husbands complain that they never wear sexy lingerie; 3) Not only do they stop wearing sexy lingerie but they wear unappealing pajamas, sit on the toilet with the door wide open and do not behave sexy.

Dr. Schlessinger then goes on to point out that when these men lose interest in sex with their wives they are either indifferent or, more often, distressed by why this has happened.

Observations:

Given all the controversy we have read from men and women abuot the issue of pornography, is it possible that lost interest on the part of some wives is the reason why men turn to pornograhy?

Also, given all we have read about unfaithful men, is it possible that the change in ground rules about sex is one of the reasons why some men cheat on their wives?

However:

While I do want to provoke a discussion I do not want to offend anyone.

For example:

1. Married women who mother their children, clean the house and maintain jobs and careers, are often too exhausted at the end of the day to have much interest in or ability to feel sexy.

2. In truth, this same exhaustion afflicts husbands. Probably one of the biggest complaints I hear from both husbands and wives is how exhaustion as a result of holding more than one job really afflicts them and drains their ability to feel any enthusiasm for sex at the end of the day.

3. Many husbands also begin to take their wives for granted and want sex but without any shred of romance. Walking around the house in underwear and tee shirt may not look too sexy to many wives, either.

The Truth Is...

Marriage is hard work during which no partner should make the mistake of taking their spouse for granted. A husband recently reported something to me that was very delightful. Quite spontaneously, he called his wife at work and told her how much her really loves her. She was surprised and delighted by her husband's expression of affection.

Maintaining a healthy sexual relationship as husband and wife remains important througout life. In addition, demonstrating love and concern along with maintaining good communication are equally important to successful marriage.

What are your points of view?

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

Readers who live in the Boulder, Colorado metro area, or in Southwest Florida may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation. He is also available for psychotherapy through Skype video for those who are not in Florida or Colorado. He can be reached via email at dransphd@aol.com for details.

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

Rejected forever - Amy - Jun 4th 2013

I'm in my mid 60's and no longer have any desire for sex! Married 45 years and we only had sex and real intimacy on our wedding night. I can't remember the one time if it was good or bad. He hated sex and intimacy and moved to our basement so he wouldn't have to deal with it. We never talk and he avoids me. To this day its the same way except when we have to go to the tax person. Then its HI and BYE. I should have moved on and I didn't and I can't forgive my self, and I have to live with that very poor decision. Its been a tough life for me.

Human Nature & Justice - Alkane Benzene - Sep 24th 2011

I think I have read all the comments to date.  I think what every one says is generally true about their situations. 

I say, Wow!!!  Sex is a murky world with feelings and expectations, which we don't necessarily control.  We are taught from the beginning that we need to control our physical environment, and that we can shape what it looks like with our choices and decisions. 

A couple commentors said that sex is just a physical act, which I totally disagree with.  Sex is an emotional act that involves feelings and volunabiliy.  Just physical sex is the same for both men and women, lacking.

Emotional sex, volunable sex, intamate sex, is fulfilling and exciting.  It is as glue is to bonding, it holds us together, it is an emotion that is always changing, so that its experience is never the same.

But, since we are controlling, and we always want to know what the end result will be, we try to predict, we try to replicate, and we want to compare.

Then, we place on top of this, that all people are different, and we have different hormones, so that our need or abiltiy to appreciate is different.  Regardless of gender, our sexual needs or wants are different.  We have no control over this. 

Yes certain acts may increase ones immediate view point or receptiveness to the act at the time, different people might need different stimulus to get the desire going, or to picture the outcome, what realy it is, is an emotional experience, and again we don't contol our reactions or feelings.

This to me is the critical aspect of it all.  There is no one solution, but unlike other problems, these sexual problems happen behind closed doors.  Then, since they deal with murky and dark emotions, it is not talked about like which new car to buy, or why Johnny is not doing good in reading at School.

Fault, truth, these are objective terms that only relate to other objective concepts.  Whereas, emotions and responses are real, they are alive, and we can't  control them like we do the family dog, or the leaking tolilet.  We just can't call in the plumber to fix the leak.

But, we need to fix the leak, and we can't find try to point the finger at who or why the leak happened.  When the leak is detected, we can't turn our backs.  We need to fix the leak, if we want to save the marriage.

But this leak, is not something simple to fix.  Emotional things and biological things caused the leak.  Some leaks have been going on for a long time.

There can be no wrong our right about this, one can't say ones feelings are more important than the others.  There are no false feelings or feelings that are more valid, they are all feelings, and they must be dealt this. 

There is no "feelings" meter that we can use, so that we can say to our spouse, well your feelings are not as much as mine about this issue. 

We just know that here is how I feel.  This is what your action makes me feel.  Not very rational, is it... 

This is love, this is a relationship, this is being human.

Yes, it takes TWO - - Mar 18th 2011

We have been married 32 years.  Sex is a big issue in our marriage.  My husband was into pornography, and I believe it messed up his ideas.  He can't seem to be happy with sex.  Nothing is ever good enough.  I strived to make him happy.  I tried to be a great wife, a good house keeper, a great mother...everything he wanted in bed, I tried to do.  And it wasn't ever good enough.  It was "next time, try this".  I spent years in depression because whenever I wasn't "performing" I would get the silent treatment or the anger.  Stress and tension could be felt through our house.  He was only happy when he was getting what he wanted in bed.  I hated it!  Not the sex...he always took care of my sexual needs and made sure I was happy that way.  No, it was the knowledge that if he wasn't happy, none of us would be.  Now, I am suppose to want sex AND  initiate it without him paying any attention to me whatsoever.  See how well that works!  Needless to say, neither of us are happy now.  I feel like a whore not a wife.  He's not happy because I don't want it, I don't initiate it and am tired of trying.  It takes two!

A Different Perspective - Kazza - Dec 2nd 2010

I am a heteroromantic asexual. Bet you've never heard from a bonafide asexual before! Although I am not into sex (obviously) I do it regularly because my partner has needs. But what you people need to do is quit it with the drama. It is just sex! It is not a soppy soap opera of emotions and vulnerabilities etc. Any idiot can put tab A into slot B. Do you see animals whining about there not being enough emotional intimacy in their relationships? No. They cut the crap, get to the chase and do the damn deed. Humans are just another type of animal so we should do the same. You don't need to draw it out for hours and hours and excrutiating hours, just open the legs, hunker down and be done with it! I just do not comprehend why people read so much into sex when all it requires is 15 minutes of pumping actions and a very brief climax. It's a biological function, so we need to cut all that other crap out. I will remind you that animals all have exactly the same biological function as we do, yet they are somehow able to cut to the chase and get into action!

Its posts like the ones I read here that remind me so much about why I hate shows like the Bold and the Beautiful.

nice - supra shoes - Aug 31st 2010

Good article! Thank you so much for sharing this post.Your views truly open my mind.

Generalizations - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 3rd 2010

While I want to thank people for their comments I feel the necessity to caution everyone about the dangers of over-generalizations. When we start talking about "all women," or, "all men," we are on very shakey ground. There are plenty of men, women and married couples who continue to have happy and satisfied sexual lives with their partners into and throughout old age.

Dr. Schwartz

sex - jm - Aug 3rd 2010

we are been married  for last 22 years, for last 2 years he dosan"t want to have sex with me. he always give and excuse tired. tention & ect. recently he hot me a vibrator and ask me to have sex with it. i really dont know what to do. as far as i am concern cannot enjoy with vibrator , like my hubby"s co**.

What about the quality of marital sex? - Mary - May 31st 2010

I have questions -

Why is that almost all of the men threaten to cheat if their wives don't have sex with them? Since women know that 50% of men will cheat anyway, do you think making this threat will increase the possibility of sex? 

Another question why is no mention by men of the posibility that their wives, who are not having sex with them, is sexually active with another man? Women are good at hiding infedelity because they don't throw it about with pride like men. But the latest stats indicate that women are cheating at almost the same frequency as men. In fact a recent genetic stujdy found that 15% of children in a family are not genetically related to the father. So women cheat but are better at hiding the fact.  

My point is that men think that cheating is their ace in the hole and that's why they pull it out to pressure their wives. What they fail to realize is that their wives may be having sex with someone else. The fact that none of the men who posted considered the possibility is atonishing to me. It demontrates the fragility of the male ego, and the self-centerness of their approach to sex. 

Another demonstration of fragile male ego is that none of the men mention their ability to satisfy their wives as a possible reason for their getting little sex. The stats are that 40% of married women are not satisfied by their husbands. But it appears that none of these men have examined that as a possible reason for their wives not having sex with them. If the sex was good, she could not resist.

So, if 40% of women are cheating and 40% are sexually unfulfilled that makes a lot of married women and some of theses may be married to these men. Maybe the men in sexless marriages should look at their role in their inability to get their wives to have sex with them.

A lot has been learned about female sexuality in the last 15 yrs. Women do like and crave orgasms just like men, but is the sex is only about his orgasms then what is in it for her? The men who have been married for 15 and more years may not know enough about sex with a women to be good lovers.

Instead of looking for another women, with whom they will have the same problem, they should learn every thing they can about how to please their wives sexually. Then they can approach their wives with the right attitude, to mutually satisfying sex and not as a demand for their right to access to the women's sex parts with frequent bad sex.

This is also not discussed, after the wedding men get lazy and selfish and the quality of sex changes drastically. Talk about bait and switch,  it is as if he thinks that now that the women is his wife he can forgo foreplay and resort to crude garbing and a few minutes of pumping and then to sleep.

Why don't the experts talk about these issues. I think it is because the field is dominated by men and the fragile male ego is involved.  If the problem is to be solved then all avenues must be explored, even those that may bruise the male ego. Women expect to have orgasms when they have sex, women masturbate and have orgasms, they buy toys and have orgasms, so it's a myth that women don't like sex. We do, we like ORGASMS just as much as men. Men equate sex with their orgasms not with the women's, why should the man have all of the orgasms by using the women's body. Hey experts do your job get the word out. 

a whole lot of pressure - John Martinez - May 19th 2010

 

I can tell you that most women for some reason, put a whole lot of pressure on themselves and their husbands when it comes to sex. Sure, women love being pursued and getting married, but sooner rather than later she begins to hate, I mean she begins to hate being married after few years, because sex to her becomes a chore rather than a pleasure.

It's ironic how many women complain about not being able to find a marriage mate, being lonely and not able to have sex, especially the sex, I mean they literally go out of their minds, but then a nice gentleman comes along and saves her from this misery, only to wind up despising the very thing she wanted the most, a partner and sex. 

This is the problem I am having with my wife of 18 years. I rescued her from being an old lonely maid, she was depressed and desperate to find a marriage mate after several bad attempts, I came along and we both hit it off really well, then two beautiful children later, she hates sex, I mean has never initiated it and hates to give it to me.

I am sick and tired of fighting about this and have gone to many prostitutes over the years who treat me better and understand my needs and if I were not married, I would have certainly fallen in love with many of them.

They are kind, considerate, treat me with respect, and they love to be pleased as they love to please me and tell me how much of  a fantastic lover I am.

My wife has never treated me like this, never complimented me, always complains, hates the sex act, fluids, semen, oral sex, vaginal penetration, everything, kissing even bothers her, (I am a clean freak when it comes to hygiene, so don't even bother me with this question) even if my desire is to make her fell sexy and take my time arousing and pleasing her and try to be an unselfish lover. Why do women like my wife sabotage their marriages like this?

 

Women's attitudes to Sex - - Apr 27th 2010

I know I am unusual in the fact I'm a woman who LOVES sex.

I've been with my partner for 12 years and we still have sex at least once a day and we still enjoy it like it's our first month together.

Many women talk to me about their sex lives with their husbands; their attitudes are interesting.

Most women complain about how their husbands don't do this, don't do that...

It seems to me that women use sex as a weapon.

Women need to learn to chill out and let go of the ridiculous guilt society has ingrained in women that sex is something to endure, not enjoy.

In my opinion, men have no one to blame but themselves for this - it's been a great way to control women to make them believe sex is something awful..that way they won't sleep around...

sex and marriage from a woman's perspective - - Apr 9th 2010

My husband and I will be married six years in May of 2010.  We have 3 children.  One of which I had from a previous relationship.  I don't understand not wanting to have sex!  It is not that we don't want to have sex or, are even tired.  We want to feel like we did when we first met.

I think most women would agree that being wooed is by far the biggest turn on.  Next time you want your wife to be in the mood more than once a week, try this.....  when your wife least expects it tell her how beautiful she is, how you thought about her all day sexually.  It may not work the first time, but trust me you don't need to buy flowers or even light one candle.  She needs to know you think about doing to her whatever is going on in your mind.  Also smell nice take some effort to wear something nice.  

Sometimes women don't feel sexy themselves because of baby weight. As a women I can honestly tell you we have the best sex when I feel sexy.  Tell your wife which panties you want her to wear, tell her that you love the way she looks in a certain bra this will all turn her on.  Words are the biggest turn on for us women.  If you can get us emotionally connected you will have all the sex you want. 

 

Women, Marriage and Sex - JOn - Apr 6th 2010

Women often use sex as a weapon, to either get their way or punishment. When you consider the common scenario: Lots of sex before marriage and then hardly any after marriage, it would seem to be no accident.

All by design by the Elites & women lose the game - Anthony C Gillespie - Mar 27th 2010

Welcome to the new world order.

This is all NOT a mistake ,but a very well planned out deal to destroy the american family all for the love of profit & it all started with womens liberation..  Women has treated men like crap for so long now its funny.

Who is going to protect them when the thugs of the new world order come kicking in there doors ? NOT ME.

Im a true prouduct of TRUE FORCED LONLYNESS & i cant wait to see the destuction of all the mighty ladys who have used sex as a weapen upun us all.

have fun ladys when the soldiers come to just take what they want & there wont be a damm thing you can do about it, so just be a women & just suck it up..

behaviour problems - monika - Mar 10th 2010

some of the artical is similar in my situations.i have problem in my marriage life.my husband is good,little bit carring but i have problem i love my husband alot.the problem is that my husband is always watch porn movies as well as visit escorts sites and always do hand sex.all these activities of my husband hurt me alot.i love him alot but he cant understand my feelings.it does not  mean that i m nt beautiful.i m beautiful and can do every work in kitchen.i fed up of this problem.always search escorts sites and find out the cheapest rates of escorts.how is it possible to continue my  marriage life.

verbal abuse - 26 Yrs - Dec 14th 2009

REF: Another woman/wife's point of view - Kat - Mar 11th 2008

 

 

**26yrs of Togetherness Crumbling....DEC09**

If you have the time to read,

I write this as I feel helpless & afraid, in no way is it to blame my husband, I am truthful.

it's the way our life is right now...


We have built a life together for 26 yrs now, we had no money, we were sweethearts with everything in common.

Today,

a house, 2 cars, careers, 2 preteen kids and 1 dog later

we are left with just living together for the kids and the financial fear.

My Feelings have drifted away (for my part) mainly because of my husband's addiction (Sex, anger, alcohol & pot consumption)   

If I deny him sex he feels rejected and gets very angry,  verbal abusive and self neglect

The verbal abuse along with his lifestyle now pushed me away. He thinks any type of sex will solve everything now (a band-aid as I call it), but I can't, I  will not let him take my dinity away, his harsh words have wounded me deeply.  I don't know how I can get those loving feelings back again. I deny myself  the fact that maybe I don't love him anymore & I want a divorce. I 'm afraid of loosing everything we built and that he will do something irrational / hurtful again if I leave him or say that I don't love him anymore

(years ago in our 20's, I left him for 6 months (we had no kids nor owned a house) He follwed me, he wanted to end his life, he literally shredded my room into pieces (I lived with my mother at the time), he broke my windsurfer with an ax, then stabbed my wetsuit with a knife...)

I've stayed home to raise the kids before they started kindergarden, then worked full time outside the home, now I work from the house to be there for the kids after school.  

I do believe that both wife and husband must communicate more (give & take) but arrogance and anger take over his communication. It's all about sex he says.He still tries to manipulate me by saying he has the RIGHT TO  get angry & say the nasty & destructive words he says. I am a guy...He justifies them. I (myself) refuse too accept this !

 I believe marriage counselling and anger management go hand in hand here. He is not willing

Wrong is wrong .

He says my lack of sex drive (disfunction) and childhood physical & verbal, emotional abuse (by my father) has everything to do with my responses...Of course it does!, in my case it made me a stronger person, I am proactive, I can differentiate right & wrong.  I can't have him touch me after all those things he says. Who would?  I've gone through forgiveness, also saids it's o.k honey and even faked it for many years. Is this not being honest with myself or simply the way life has played itself out for us?

(I have read Debbra Colorosso's book" Kids are worth it" where there are 3 types of famillies "brick wall family, backbone family and a jellyfish family) I find myself in the Backbone wife & parent categoy. I try to find balance in everything I do now.)

We can't communicate with each other anymore, the song remains the same, it goes nowhere...

In his defence, he provides for the family, he cooks and everyone loves him, he is a great guy otherwise.

Every women would love to have these qualities in a husband, but without the abuse which unfortunately takes place within  the four walls of our household. The kids know the truth. I cannot explain everything to the children. I would never want to have my daughter be afraid of men and ruin her relationships nor would I want to have my son do the same to his relationships. I feel trapped as my kids have asked their father why he is angry all the time and he says it's because " your mother doesn't appreciate me or anything I do in this house..."

Every day I remain positive & strong inside-out for my own sanity & for the well being of my kids.

I believe no marriage/family has the same chemistry.Yes, there are common denominators but that's why it's so complicated to explain and resolve...

Money for counselling or divorce is also a fear factor for me.

I am afraid of the unknown & feel helpless at this point

 

 

****Your constructive critisism is welcomed****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sexual problem - Das - Nov 21st 2009

Hi,

I am 29 years old, male. Recently I got married. Till marriage I was virgin.

Problem:

After marriage when I am for-playing with my partner, my spume coming out with very less time, n because of that we are unable to enjoy our sex life. I am giving her excitement in all the respect once she is fully excited then I am proceeding to have sex. After doing only 5 to 10 times it is coming out I am out of doing sex but she is peek during that time.

How can I control my spume release for more time 10-15 Mins? How we can enjoy our sex for more time? Pls do reply.

Dr. Dombeck's Note: this problem is called "Premature Ejaculation", and it is discussed along with the current treatment options in our Sexuality and Sexual Disorders topic center.

Some of us long to be an old fashioned modern woman - Nicole - Nov 12th 2009

I am a modern woman with a fledgling career as a microbiologist, although I'll admit I'm far older than I should be starting a career. I am in classes with kids young enough to be my own children.

However, although I am a very modern woman, just as nearly all the women in my family have been for centuries, a part of me just wants to share my life, live my life, cook, clean, and iron for my husband, and give it up all the time.

This myth that women grow weary of sex as they get older and the longer in the relationship is not true of all of us. I go without sleep sometimes for days for my career and still must pay the bills, do the laundry, cook the meals for the week and/or the day, run errands, and make it to a million different appointments, while being good at what I do, which can be difficult. Sometimes, I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, but even then, I think sex would be fantastic! Part of this has to do with my age, and part who I am. I feel pretty and sexy in lingerie, and even if it's not lingerie, why not buy those sexy underwear at Vic's? YOU feel good! The husband liking them is an extra bonus!

I guess the trick is finding what makes You feel pretty and sexy, and incorporating it. And if you're too tired, make a deal with him that you will gladly, if the next time he's too tired, he'll pamper you and do what you want. Men are always up for a good challenge if they think the reward is worth it.

Getting Married Killed My Sex Drive - Shannon - Oct 28th 2009

This is really bizarre to say so soon being that I have only been married a little over one WEEK, but I have had no sex drive towards my hubbie since our vows.  I still enjoy thinking about sex and even masturbate when he falls asleep, but I just don't feel that way about him anymore/right now and am really confused as to why.  We always had great emotional, intellectual, and sexual chemistry and the other two still remain.  He is a wonderful, romantic, thoughtful, caring person and I feel awful about this.  I still make sure to please him but I cannot get into it for the life of me!  In past relationships, whenever the other person would say they love me, I no longer wanted to sleep with them either.  My hubbie knows this as I told him before we got married but he was hoping to be an exception since everything was fine in that area until our wedding day.  Blah!!  I know how important this is in a marriage so hoping it is just a phase.

It just begun - Kathleen - Oct 10th 2009

I have been married for just a little over a month.  My husband and I have been arguing alot.  He seems to think it is always my fault.  But I just try to talk normally, and he gets out of control with the flapping of his arms around and pointing his finger in my face yelling F--k you.

I have just learned that I have a heart condition and I have not been feeling up to par.  He still continues to want to argue.  And afterwards he wants to have sex.  I tell him that I am very ill and that my body hurts all the time and I don't feel good.  But I give in and he goes to sleep and all I want is to be hugged because the doctors don't know all that is going on with me.  He is distant and the only time I get any kind of affection is when he wants to have sex.  I stay at home all the time and there is no romance.  I know I am a wonderful wife, I make him lunch for work everyday and put a letter in along with it telling him I love him, I keep a very clean home.

I am a very good cook and he has dinner servered to him every night.  Everyone tells him that he has a trophy wife and that I am very attractive.  But I feel that the only thing he loves me for is to care for him.  And its not like I don't pay for the bills too.  I pay for half of them.  I give him all my money and I have to ask for my own car when I need it and money when I need it.  And he gets mad when I do.  Or if I am going to visit a friend, I let him know ahead of time and when the day comes he starts a fight with me.

When we were first together, he was so wonderful and so kind.  He treats me like gold in front of everyone else.  But behind close doors I get punished for all that is going wrong in his life.

I have become less and less attracted to him everyday.  I am hoping for a miracle.  I do love him, and I enjoy sex very much.  But I feel like I am being used by my own husband.  What should I do?

Sincerely, Kathleen

 

Solution - - Oct 9th 2009

I was reading your page to find out what is actually wrong with me... Maybe just maybe we are not in love with our husbands anymore. I would not say no some men I see on the street sometimes but my husband seems not enough anymore. He cares less, he is not romantic at all, sex for him is like a duty... Maybe he was llike that when I first met him, maybe I was too much in love to recognize this part of his personalty, maybe I thought IU could deal with it. Well I cant...Could the reason I dont want to have sex with him be that actually I dont want him at all??? Do you ask yourself this question?? Do you have the courage to do so?? I woke up after 6 years and 1 child and dont know what to do or feel...

Feels like begging for sex! - trinity - Oct 7th 2009

I been marry for 5 years now, and I can't figuere out my husband.. We started with this problem since we were 8 months marry..I try to talk to him, I try several things to try to provoke him but nothing seem to work.  After a while of trying to have sex with him more often, I simply gave up. All this has led me to feel ugly, lonely and even depress.  In one of our encounters I got pregnant and we had our first baby.  My baby is a gift of god, but now my husband pays more attention to our baby than me. He has gotten to the point that our baby sleeps with us in the bed, due to this there is hardly any action.  I feel so alone, that sometimes I dont know what to do no more.. When ever I have sex with him, instead of feeling happy I feel angry at him.  He tells me he is going to try to have sex with me more often but it never happens and as time passes by I feel more and more angry at him.

Years of relationship kill the sex? - Cri - Oct 5th 2009

I am in my early 20s. I live with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and at the biginning of our relationship the sex was great. After 2 years though everything changed. I must say that the first year I was just working, and than I went back to school. So now I am working, going to school, and trying to keep the house in a good shape. I am not trying to blame my boyfriend because he didn't changed at all. He does the same things that I used to like and I was the one that wanted more and more sex. But now it's been like 2 months and we had sex just 2 times, and it was horrible because I did not enjoy it at all. I see he cares about me because when he realizes that I don't feel good he is stopping right away. I am trying to figure out why I just don't feel the need to have sex anymore. I love him, and we are thinking about getting married, but when I see this problem I am really scared. He doesn't ask me why I don't want sex but I see he is unhappy, still I can't have sex if I don't feel like having sex. This problem is eating up on me and I am trying to find a solution but it's harder and harder. I feel stressed with school, with work, but I know when we are together I should forget about all of this and enjoy my time with him. Why I can't do it? This is so frustrating....

Lady's Viewpoint - Lady - Sep 3rd 2009

My fiance and I are both in our 50's.  We are perfect for each other except for the issue of his pressuring for sex. He was denied sex in his past so I think that makes it more important in our relationship than it should be, since whatever I do is never enough. I have tried to evaluate what it is that stops me from feeling more desirous. I think it has to do with respect more than anything else.  I think that's at the root of it. 

Wife Masturbates - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 10th 2009

Hello Mudslide,

Of course, there is no way for me to know what might be going on in your wife's mind. It is probably a good idea for the two of you to see a marriage therapist. That way the two of you could get to the bottom of why she prefers masturbation to sex with you. I also cannot explain why she cannot have masturbation and sex with you.

I have another suggestion for you, in addition to marriage therapy, and that is for you to join our Online support community. Participation is free, you remain anonymous but you could get lots of advice and support from our other members.

Dr. Schwartz

denied but ....... - mudslide - Aug 10th 2009

My confusion is that my wife appears uninterested in having sex with me but prefers masturbation instead (I know this because I have checked ther vibrators)- even the day after I approach her (kindly and not with any pressure). This is very confusing and furstrating - and makes me angry of course - I have tried discussing this with her - but she says it is her right to do this - which doesn't help the situation - I wonder why this is???

Tips for men - ann - Jul 19th 2009

I do feel for everyone that has posted.

It is very important to remember that not all women are the same and not all men.

We are all individuals.

I know some truly selfish men and women and others who are very caring and generous.

I don't believe it is healthy to group all women under one type of behaviour ie it wont help these men to have a happy fullfilled relationship, in the future.

Some people are not very interested in sex; both male and female.

Have a careful look at the situation and see if your wife is getting what she needs in order to feel sexual.

1. Enough sleep

2. Romance

3. Being noticed and truly appreciated

4. Being found attractive rather than being the most convenient "body" available.

5. Foreplay and satisfying sex (for her as well as you).

6. Do you take an interest in your body, hygiene and dress?

7. Communication and intimacy

8. Time alone

 

Most women I know find being "pursued" very sexually aroasing.

Unfortunately men often seem to think that once they have "got" her they no longer need to make an effort.

I know no women who has intentionally "used" a man to "trap" him into marriage.

They are probably just as dissapointed as you are that things have changed.

My husband seems less interested in sex than me and I am still trying to figure it all out.

Us Comes First - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - May 25th 2009

In a successful marriage, Us must always come first. In fact, marriage is a shared experience and that means that if either set of parents becomes ill it is important to discuss how to deal with it with your spouse. Unfortunately I have met with  couples for whom this idea seems foreign. In one case, each of the spouses was so dedicated to the family of origin that they neglected each other. Obviously, the future of the marriage was not very bright.

Dr. Schwartz

emphasize that 'us' comes first - - May 24th 2009

What about women who put their parents before their husband? Is this normal? Is it a normal for a husband to emphasize that 'us' comes first, not in selfish way?

Two sided issue - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - May 18th 2009

To the last three people who posted, including Lyn,

All of you are making valid points and that serves to illustrate how complex is the issue of sex and marriage. For instance, there is no doubt that many women find themselves wanting sex more frequently than their husbands. This is written about in every venue, from Red Book Magazine to books on sex and marriage.

It is also true that there can be husbands who just seem to ignore the health problems of their wives and how that affects their libido. The reverse is also true.

Then, there are those women and men who never want sex.

These problems do not belong to one sex or the other. Men and women are equally at fault when some of these types of problems emerge in a marriage and are usually reflective of additional types of issues plaguing the relationship.

I hate to have to say it but, sometimes separation and divorce is the only solution for those who find their situation to be intolerable. Of course, it is also worth exploring marriage therapy before taking such a radical step as divorce.

Dr, Schwartz

 

 

more like an object of obsession than a wife - - May 18th 2009

My husband and I have been having problems for all of the 20 years we've been together. Problem? I am absolutely incapable of being the wife of his dreams. In his fantastic dreams I enjoy anal sex, being licked from stem to stern, making lots of noise during sex, lots of dirty talk, being groped at any given time in public or at home, having sex as often as possible. He doesn't even contemplate ackomplishing anything if we have a day off together. His plan is always a movie then sex or stay in bed all day til the kids are off the bus. Though I have had multiple surgeries because of female issues he insists upon using supplements and a pump to try to grow larger and last longer. He doesn't care that I am in pain from these things and will curse me while still in bed because I don't react in a passionate way. I am awakened when he feels the need to shove himself up against my talebone, dry humping me on a whim while I sleep. The list could keep going on and on. The end result is that we don't have sex as often as he wants and I don't feel respected as I want to be. I feel more like an object of obsession than a wife.

Losing hope - - May 18th 2009

Someone needs to figure something out right.  I've gotten to the point where I was once fighting to have sex everday with my wife.  Now I just don't ask anymore nor do I have the feeling....I find myself looking at other women and I feel like my marriage is going. It hurts me to say this but I am tempted to cheat.

What about the opposite??? - Lyn - May 17th 2009

No one ever writes about the opposite side of the coin.  What about the wife who is always wanting more?  Ya, it's usually 3 or 4 times a week but why not 6 or 7 or more even.  Is watching t.v that much more fun or exciting?  I guess I just wonder is there a cap on how much men want it?  You always hear that 3 times a week thing.  Is that all that is necessary for men? Is it a case of more isn't always a good thing.  Wouldn't a man like knowing when he goes to bed every night his wife is in the mood?  And sometimes in the afternoons when possible too?  I can never get any help from these self help books because it's always about how the man wants more never about the wife who does!!!

Sara - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - May 8th 2009

Hi Sara,

I am placing my response to your comment under "Reader Questions," and please see it there.

Dr. Schwartz

It just keeps getting worse... - Sarah - May 7th 2009

My husband and I are both in our early 20's. We have been married for about six years and we have a beautiful 5 year old son. Sounds Great? I like sex with my husband. I feel a really strong connection with him when we do. He has always been a very sexual person, very kinky. He has always looked at porn, sometimes it bothers me but most of the times it doesn't anymore. Porn is the least of my problems! For about the last year its gotten crazy. He comes up with his "fantasies" (panties in general, wearing panties, his mom's panties and lingerie, other girls panties, other girls dirty panties, little girl panties, incest, threesomes and foresomes, me having sex with another guy or girl without him, beastiality... the list goes on) and he wants to have me involved, to do roleplaying, storytelling, props, and he still looks at porn. He goes through phases with these. We do one thing for a while and then moves on to the next, often returning to something we had already done. As this happens his ideas are getting worse and very uncomfortable to me. We don't connect during sex unless we have "my kind of sex". I like passion and romance, some dirty talk, and foreplay. Is that so bad? I don't like other girl panties, sometimes three at a time, partway in my mouth although i have tried and participated in the majority of his ideas, its not good enough for him. I don't like doing these things but I would put on my best face and do it because I love him and I want him to be happy. How much is too much? I don't want to lose my marriage but it's heading that way fast.

feeling sad and guilty... - D.C. - May 1st 2009

and thinking that maybe i just should not be married.my husband has complained about this very thing for the last two years.we do have sex once a week and out of feelings of guilt i now try to give it to him twice...but it's truly because i know he needs it.personally i don't think i want sex at all.i have spent a lot of time thinking about this, trying to analyze my feelings and before i was laid off about 3 months ago i really was physically and mentally exhausted o lot. We have 2 children, i worked out of town and was out an average of 10 hours a day...always the one to pick up both kids from 2 different locations, doing all grocery shopping, meals, cleaning during the week etc.would be tired and frustrated at having to do it all and yet be expected to think sexy thoughts.husband also has admitted to anger issues resulting from difficult childhood and abandonment issues.so in this case often i felt like i had another child.not sexy at all.since being laid off i have less reason to be tired but still no desire.is it possible that sex just gets old after a while?we are now married just over 6 years and this has been an issue for at least two years.i was married for 14 and a half years to another man before that and while there were issues with infidelity after just 6 months of being married that killed something in me, he too complained about not enough sex.i must have an exeptionally low drive, am now 40 and think maybe i need some testosterone treatment to balance my hormones...but deep down i feel damaged, and think it's not fair to my husband because there seems to be a pattern with me and he deserves more.i suggested that to him but he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, yet he resents me and is angry most of the time.fear of being alone?i wish i were alone.the pressure of it all takes any pleasure out of it.i have sex once or twice a week because it's what he needs...how long can i do it when my heart is just not in it and resent that i have to?would it be better to be alone, him to move on?

Venting on women who don't prioritize their husbands. - - Apr 13th 2009

Women need to just admit it.  It seems that all men are having this problem.  I'm 24 i've been married for 2 years and now have a daughter of 1 year old.  And the wife is full of excuses and blames me for her not being in the mood or feeling the need for sex.  We use to do it a few times a day to just recently 1 or twice a week.  Or when we do, do it it's when she wants and i'm sick of that bs.  I'm developing the feeling to stray away from home to satisfy my needs, but it hasn't come to that yet i haven't got pissed off enough. So I keep trying by... changing routines of everyday life but sometimes it works for the first few days but then its back to the same old crap and I don't know what to do.  I look back and blame myself in a way that all or most women change after having a child. And i dont' understand this, women put their children first and husbands second? WTF is this!!!  I felt like telling my wife well if i'm not first and once the kid/kids leave when they grow up and your stuck with me i suddenly become number 1 again. thats bs.  Ladies, I started treating my wife like a number 2 and she was alll pissed off and wanted to know why the attitude change. I reminded her she was now number 2 and if she didn't understand how she was making me feel i would show her what i meant.  Guys we are doomed. They are playing a power trip on us and i'm not playing anymore.  Thanks for listening to me i need to vent myself.

its not always that we dont want sex - - Apr 9th 2009

theres a real issue with just what is love and what is sex. when he complains we havnt had sex in 2 weeks well it means he has not had sex in 3 days. when i point out we havnt had anything resembling intimacy in months that apparently is different. he just wants sex and i want something i havnt had in years, intimacy. dont know where to go from here, its getting really hard just to be in this relationship.

"Original suggestion" - Allan N Schwartz - Feb 19th 2009

You are using very broad brush strokes to describe women. In actuality, women are just as varied as men as to the sexual drives they experience and the amounts and frequency of sex they want. It appears very much that you and your wife are not sexually compatible. That is unfortunate for you but I have to ask why you remained in the marriage for seven years without sex? Now you have children and, even though you could divorce, it is much more complicated by the presence of children. In reality, you need to be with a woman whose sex drive is the same as yours.

Dr. Schwartz

i think i agree roughly with the original suggestion - - Feb 18th 2009

women use sex to attract a mate, a husband. some have sex with one or more partners before marriage, or none. but they make themselves dress up and use makeup and even if they do not go as far as having full sex they often have oral sex and heavy petting to attract the male - the potential husband.

nost women want families. there are many exceptions but i think this is the most common pattern. so they have to keep providing sex until the chirdren are born. but i found that even after the wedding when my wife had me "trapped" the sex dropped off dramatically. we did not intend to have children immediately, so it served no purpose temporarily.

when we were trying to have children 7 years later sex became freely available again. when the quota of children was full sex reduced but did not disappear. she needed me to support the family so i got my sex rations.

but then the children grew up, i got ill and am no longer the major earner so not needed anylonger so sex has dropped to lowest priority.

i'm sure women are just programmed like this.

men are programmed just to need sex and the wife programming knows this and uses this. after all all embryos start female it is the basic human form so they are the ones in control.

to all men - just accept it we are slaves to woman by our programming - a constant need for sex. women can turn this on or off at will.

marriage isnt that hard - - Jan 13th 2009

i hear marriage is work.  having had a job, or cleaning out a yard, that's work...  marriage, not really.  we have been married 14 yrs.  both hubby and i are surprised it is so easy.  he wants the best for me.  i want the best for him.  in our hearts, that is what we want.  so many things, many things are not big deals in every day life.  sex...  we both want it.  all the work and trappings of it is too tiring.  we want the sex.  and we have it.  husband said to me 13 yrs into the marriage after playing around, it just keeps getting better.  the closed bathroom door, sexy nightie, porn (i don't like, hubby doesn't need), holey tshirts really has little or nothing to do with it.  i was old when i married.  comfortable in single.  when i married i knew what i wanted in life and didnt.  hubby was in same place.  we remember what it was like single and it wasnt all that. 

marriage isnt that hard.

Editor's Note: Marriage is not that hard - when partners are compatible.  But when partners are not compatible for whatever reason, marriage can become quite difficult.  

Another movie that prove the point about narcissistic wife - Larry - Dec 26th 2008

 The movie " Sex In The City" is example of Narcissistic women.  Cynthia Nixon one of the women in the movie who was a lawyer, mother and married gave the best example of Narcissistic Wife. In the movie her husband asked her about getting the childern out of the bedroom and her respond was type of many wives today that is she can't or to be blunt about it she didn't care how this was impacting her marriage and her husband feeling. ( One of the elements of Narcissistic wife). In another part of the movie, when she was having sex  and he wanted to change postion she said " just hurry up and get it over with'. ( Could you image if he said that to her it would have been how could he say that to me.) When the husband asked her when was the last they made love she couldn't answer him and as he got up left the bedroom and his feelings was hurt but; she didn't care and made excuse that she was tired and had to go to work in four hours. ( This is another case of Narcissistic behavior by the wife who only care about herself and does not seems to recognize her husbands feelings). She also display two other behaviors of Narcissistic wife that is she became angry when she was challenged and confronted and expected him to put her needs before his. The table turned when he came home and told her that he had affair with another women and it was just only one time. She became upset and put him out and said" that he broke the faith that they had. Wow, what about her behavior and how she broke his faith by not taking into account his feelings ,needs and wants. It seems to me that the only way to get a Narcissistic Wife attention is by having affair. Can any wife tell why you don't care about your husband feelings and how your behavior has impact on the marriage and the childern  but; when he has affair it has impact on the marriage and childern? ( Does the word " DOUBLE STANDARD SOUND RIGHT TO YOU)

Sarah Parker display another form of Narcissistic behavior in the movie. Sarah was going to get married and her soon to be husband told her that he didn't want a big wedding but like most women  they don't care about his concerns and went ahead with it any way. He told her in many ways that he didn't want this but, he and many married man found out it's not about you and your feelings but hers only. Once again, it took him not to show up for wedding before she got the point. Once again it was about her feelings her needs and how he should have but his feelings to the side for her. I know that marriage is about give and take but when the man is given given and taking it leads to affairs and strange behavior by men. So her are some ideals for the wife. If you neglect your husband feelings, needs and concerns it will lead to him neglecting yours. It's the male way of letting you know. BUT I KNOW; IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

I really feel for many of you - Diana - Dec 22nd 2008

I really feel for many of you and your problems with your wives.  However, I too feel frustrated in my sexual relationship with my husband.  We have sex 3-4 times a week.  However, I don't enjoy it.  He makes no effort towards romance, looking good or getting things warmed up.  I used to deny him, because the thought of having sex with him made me feel cheap.  He just waltz in dirty and disconnected and I am suppose to be as excited as the girls on TV. 

I don't deny him, because I love him.  There is a false idea that women don't want to have sex and that they don't care about apperance.  I disagree.  Maybe if husbands would make somewhat of an attempt to woo their wives, keep themselves up and connect, they would get more yesses than nos.  

Women are not the only ones who has a sexual responsibility in marriage.  Consider, taking a look in the mirror.  Have you gotten overweight, too busy to connect to your wife, lazy and complacent.  

Who would want to haves sex with someone like that?  Not you?  Well, not us either.  

 We should all try to improve our approaches. 

Your wife could be Narcissistic? - Larry - Dec 20th 2008

 As I read the comment on this site and the one on Porno I see a pattern that is alarming. That pattern is that most of the wives are very self-center and everything is about thier needs and feelings. Most of the husband talked how thier wives don't thing or care about thier needs. If you would read the comments on the Porno blogs it's allways center around how their self-esteem is hurt and how thier feelings are hurt. They don't seem to recognize your feelings or your need for sex. To all of the men I have some food for thought for you. Look at these question and see if you don't see a pattern with your wife/girlfriend.

1. Constantly looks to you to meet her needs.

2. Expects you to know what she expects, desires without having to ask for it.

3. Expects you to put her needs before your own.

4. Expects you to openly admire her.

5. Acts childish

6. Accuses you of being insenstive or uncaring without cause or notice.

7. finds fault with your friends.

8.Becomes angry when challenged or confronted.

9. Does not seem to recognize your feelings.

10. Uses your disclosures to criticize blame, or discount you.

11. Is controlling ( Using sex to get what she wants)

12. Lies, distorts, and misleads.

13. Will do and say anything to get what she wanted.

14. Is contemptuous of you and others.

15. demeans and devalues you.

16. Is self-centered and self-absorbed.

17. Has to be the center of attention.

18. Is  impulsive and reckless

19. Is insensitive to yur needs.

20. Is vengeful.

21. Expects favors, but does not return them.

I know many women will say the same thing about thier husband but not about themself. This might explain why the lack of sex and your marriage isn't work because; you and most men might be married to a Narcissists.  Your wife knows how important sex is to you and your feelings about having your childern in the bed but, she is insensitive to yur needs. If you went out and had affair then all of sudden she is upset because you hurt her feelings and lost her trust in you. Also your Naricissistic wife will use and hide behind the childern to get thier needs met. The job of the child is to make her happy and to look good in front of other. Some of your wives are sleeping in bed with thier childern not because; he or she can't go to sleep but ;so she can get her needs met. Remember it's allways about your wife needs and wants not your. You are suppose to suck it up and taking like a man.  You're suppose to take care of her needs and she can pick and choose if she wants to take care of your. It could be that you're married to Ms. Narcissistic. Good Luck

please, is bad for everyone - Mario - Nov 27th 2008

I am a man, and clearly understand some issues of anger and dispair I have read from some contributing ladies. Now, take a deep breath and think, if this is just one more "evil men's" need, how would You explain that many wifes try to divorce because of sexual problemas including erctil dissfunction and that viagra has helped a lot.

Many of us are not just garbage cans and not only love our wifes ddeply, but as any other mammals have hormones and need sex badly (we do usually have night emissions). If our wifes do not take their sexual probles seriously they just make our lifes miserable. That is just my case, I cannot sleep and have reached a point in which I do not even want to mention the word sex at home since I know my wife is either gone to reject me or present an excuse. I feel she simply does not love me and I feel just as bad as some of the ladies that have written in this forum which by the way, I found during another long sad and sleeples night void of any sex or even word of love. 

After 15 or more years - Reality Check - Nov 20th 2008
My wife has a simple but probably accurate way of pointing out why she doesn not want to have sex.  After, in our case already 20 years, her comment is take a look at each other.  Would we really want to have sex with each other if we were not married or met at a club?  I don't think so!!!!  She complains about the weight she has gained.  I have gained some weight too.  We are not huge but not what she was in her 20's nor what I was in my 30's.  I'm not a charming, smooth talker.  She would be turned off by me today.  I'm in mid 50's, she is still early-mid 40's.  The joke is I went to her high school reunion and her friends all asked her who the old fossil was that she brought along.  This may sound harsh but it is a good reality check when it comes to the real possibility of having sex after many years of marriage.

25 years and still not good enought - Sex Starved at25 - Nov 20th 2008
My wife and I have been married for 25 years and she still won't do things with me that she did with her boyfriends many years ago.  I was one of those dummies who kept myself for marriage.  She didn't, and I didn't allow that to affect our relationship when we met.  But after we have been married for this long, she still won't try things with me to help keep our sex life alive, because she did those things with other guys and didn't like it, so therefore, we don't do anything but the usual.  Our sex life is boring to say the least, and that is when we do it at all.  Why have I stayed with her this long?  Because I also realize that there is more to our marriage than sex, after all, I did take an oathe when I married her, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, etc.  Therefore, I will continue to go on, and hope that somehow I can continue to be faithful to her and our marriage.

End of the Road - JT Blog - Nov 5th 2008

My first marriage really was sick.  Started passionately enough, we both had good jobs and I had started to save a little.  As soon as we were married and bought a house, she announced that she wanted to quit her job and stay home to "paint."  That should have been a warning, but I simply said "No, we both need to work."

Then in a careless moment, she became pregnant and I was stuck in what was essentially a loveless marriage.  Her unpredictable outbursts and anger put an end to any sexual desire I had for her, but I did my duty financially until our son was old enough to go away to college, and we split on acrimonious terms.

Then after being single for a few years, I met a woman and remarried.  Sex was great at first while we lived together for 2 years, but after we married, she found an excuse to quit her job, reasoning that my very high income made it unecessariy for her to work.  Now we don't have sex at all.  She brings it up but we never get past the talking stage.  The anger I feel over her refusing to work while I do has killed all desire.  No children, so why do I stay with her?  Maybe this is the end of that. 

Why do some women expect marriage to be a form of early retirement? This enforced economic dependence makes me feel exploited -- how can I feel desire when, at bottom, there is no respect?  Therapists need to pay more attention to this -- I suspect it is more common than we think.

 

The Secret is.......... - delbert lammers - Nov 2nd 2008

Why fight it?  We live in a disposable society. The world has moved on.

We think much differntly now. We no longer have the necessary values

or sociatial pressures to maintain long term relationships. Of course there are exceptions, but that is all they are "exceptions". In the end it boils down to just two things. 1) How much are you and your pardner willing to sacrafice to make it work?. If its a one sided relationship, then you have already lost! 2)How long can yoe keep your eye on the goal? First, define the goal.Then keep yourselves focused on thet goal until death do you part....

Food for thought about Married Men and sex - Mike - Oct 26th 2008

Once again, men are told to be honest about thier feeling and if they can't be faithful "be man enough to tell the truth". Men are told that marriage is the only place to have sex and if you have sex outside of  thier marriage then they're wrong. When the wife dosen't have sex with you is she wrong? I am tired of women using the excuse that she is tired and using her childern as excuse not have sex with her husband. The husband can't say he is tired and that why he didn't come home last night as excuse. I think that women should be honest and tell thier husband that they don't want to have sex or sex isn't that important to them so that the husband can make other plans.  Women will say that "  it's more to our marriage than sex and men need to understand how we feel". If a man said "it's more to our marriage than  working, being honest, father and faithful women need to understand how we feel about  sex would that be ok responds ?

What's wrong with me? - Done in New England - Oct 26th 2008

I get the stories of a tired mom/(slash)/worker, etc.....

 Here I am - a male married 15 years with a 8 year old son.  I work more than 60 hours a week, pick up my son and niece.  My wife has to take my son to school and go to work. I appreciate that more than anyone.  I still work and get home enough time to pick the kids up, feed them and do the wash, dishes and yard work every day.  I also take the kids (including my niece) to karate twice a week.  She gets home when she wants with no pressure from me - and yet I find myself having sex with her when she wants it.  That is seldom to none.  People I trust say once in awhile is better than none. 

I'm now at the stage saying to myself - SCREW that - I've survived a first wife that committed suicide - my current wife that went thru ALL (I was the caregiver for 2 1/2 years) bought her a house, raising our son, picking up our niece (her sisters kid), doing the wash, dinners, making 2's she makes, to have her say well, maybe tomorrow.

 I'm actually thinking I'm done!  I'd make a great housewife myself!  Not going to do this anymore - I will not allow her to say when and how.  It's either once a week, hell, I'd take once a month - or nothing at all!!!!!

Randy: Real things are hidden somewhere - - Oct 24th 2008

Only man wants sex, its not true. women also has the same desires. If wife refusing for sex or just hang you aroung not having sex means she already fullfilled her need for the day. Women are very complicated with the thinking and doing pattrens. guy all the time has doubt on women qualities. but they are very sharp to play games around and you can't find truth going on back of yourself. she is having friends and good setup (understanding) between the groups they made. why 80% of men go in to depression after marriage, not only the responsiblities. Its all magical affect of women that working on the mind of male. Hope you are having sex and fullfilled. Otherwise guy with longer size helping your wife to be calm and cool front of you. Maybe my english is not so slear,but my feeling are clear enough. I find many truths about the women by being their loyal friend, listening them very carefully what they are going through, hows their husband making things up. What they should do now. etc. things like that. they have more balanced nature than men. that is reason they look more joyful, inner dancing and good features. men are just working as a mechnic (source of income) name for her children. nothing else. Not more loyal, just more hidden and planned.

i need more sex - - Oct 16th 2008

im not trying to sound like a selfish guy, but i dont get nearly enough sex. let me ask you this ladies, if your not going to give your man sex then who is? i really believe that this can cause men to stray.

Childern in the bedroom and the excuse of motherhood - John - Oct 9th 2008

My wife and many other wives are using thier childern as excuse not to have sex with thier husband. Many women would say that it's hard to but thier childern out of the bed at night. Many of my marriage friends will say that this issuse of childern in the bed is destrying thier marriage and thier sex life. When I and my friends asked our wives why can't the childern sleep in thier own bed they wil say" that they can't and you need to understand thshow who stated" that most women have transdon't understand because you're not a mother". My wife and other wives would say that " you're selfish and you don't care about our feelings". My wife and her friends would say " that they know that having childern in the bedroom is causing  marriage and sex problem but ,  I can't help it". My childern and my friends childern ages range from 6 to 10 and all have the own bed that thier mother spent good money on them. On night after working 19 hours I went to get into my bed and notice that all three of my childern was in the bed, I asked my wife can she move the childern out of the bed and she said' I can't would you ? I refuse and went downsatirs to cool off. The next day my wife and her friends were talking about how thier marriages are in trouble.They all agreed that having childern in the bed is excuse for not having sex with thier husbands. They also agreed that" thier childern come first and thier marriage and thier husbands needs come last. These mother also said that " they know that the lack of communcation and love from thier husband is because of the childern in the bed. One of her friends said " that we all know that the price of motherhood is costly and Our husbands need to know that childern come first,marriage comes second, and thier sexual needs come last. The same women said " that she told her husband that " she con't give him answer at what age will she focus on the marriage and his sexual needs but if he is willing to then it good". Another women said" we as mother are disppointed that I our husband but us in the middle of thier needs and the childern needs". My wife said' that he and all husbands are S.O.L. when it comes to childern I know it's hard on him and other men and if it was the other way around I would be mad but, to bad.

expecting more in marriage - tony - Oct 6th 2008

I think both men and women believe marriage grants most dreams. Men think the need to romance is over wiht marriage and women think marriage means home, kids, romance and less finacial responsibilty. Less romance makes women feel less importaant. If the women has to work outside the home, her dreams may be fulfilled but its not the rosey dream.

Bottom line, I think women use sex to reward men who romance them after marriage, fulfill thier dreams and refuse sex to punish lack of romance and dream fulfillment.

Some reality checks are needed, perhaps make the significane of marriage -two working together- that it is hard work, requires effort not fulfillment of expectations mererly by a marriage ceremony.

im lost - Ann - Sep 24th 2008

My husband and I almost 13 years, we used to sex that is.. now none over a year..im more the dominant one in house he doesnt let me do things like cook and such because he says i get off later.. i love him but we are growing apart.. he tells me he loves me huggs i do the same then he mutters noone loves me.. what do i do im at a loss

Taking Charge - marlo - Aug 26th 2008

  1. we need communication skills  
  2. 101 romance
  3. 101 how to keep romance fresh and interesting (to spice it up and learn to love our significant other)
  4. learn to live, laugh, have patience, love, and make love with a look, a touch, a kind word or just a heated embrace 
  5.  build precious memories

I started to write about my story then I thought about what I really wanted from my marriage,my husband and myself. I want communication to be  able to relate and feel connected. I definitely want romance and to romance him. I feel that if I romance him then I have a better chance of being romanced. Also, I think he would be more than willing to take the initiative. I'm going to give him a little help in finding his inner romantic sexy side. Sometimes we need a little push. I definitely have a plan to keep my marriage real. Number 4 & 5 will help keep it fresh. Something that is very important,  we must love ourselves. Life is too precious to be having a pity party.  I'm going to turn my pity party into a welcome home party for my husband and our marriage. It is time to embrace life and live.

Marlo

Taking Charge - marlo - Aug 26th 2008

  1. we need communication skills  
  2. 101 romance
  3. 101 how to keep romance fresh and interesting (to spice it up and learn to love our significant other)
  4. learn to live, laugh, have patience, love, and make love with a look, a touch, a kind word or just a heated embrace 
  5.  build precious memories

I started to write about my story then I thought about what I really wanted from my marriage,my husband and myself. I want communication to be  able to relate and feel connected. I definitely want romance and to romance him. I feel that if I romance him then I have a better chance of being romanced. Also, I think he would be more than willing to take the initiative. I'm going to give him a little help in finding his inner romantic sexy side. Sometimes we need a little push. I definitely have a plan to keep my marriage real. Number 4 & 5 will help keep it fresh. Something that is very important,  we must love ourselves. Life is too precious to be having a pity party.  I'm going to turn my pity party into a welcome home party for my husband and our marriage. It is time to embrace life and live.

Marlo

- Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Aug 22nd 2008

Actually, you are very far from being the only wife who wants more sex from their husband but does not get it. I understand your worry about the future of your marriage and that is why I suggest finding an excellent marriage therapist, either clinical psychologist or licensed clinical social worker with a good reputation and experience to help you and your husband.

Dr. Schwartz

Sex-starved wife - Mrs. - Aug 21st 2008

After reading this article I guess I feel like I am the only wife on the planet that doesn't get nearly enough sex from her husband as I would like.  I don't even get half as much as I would like!  It only leaves me feeling ugly, rejected and very very lonely.  It's not just the act of "sex" but everything that goes along with it.  Feeling wanted, feeling sexy, the closeness, intimacy, touching, kissing, loving.  My husband was in the military and went on deployment and he said he was "too tired" for sex the night he came home!!  That crushed me.  He has been out of the military for a year now and has a great normal job, so there's no excuse there.  I have talked to him about it many times and he says it's not me, he just doesn't want or need sex that often, maybe once every couple weeks.  I would like it 2 times a day-idealy.  We are always together, he writes me little loves notes, buy me flowers, calls from work to tell me he loves me, but it's just the sex life that is not there.  We are very much in love and just perfect for each other.  But I fear that one day this will ruin our marriage and that terrifies me.

 Thanks for listening.

our love life is non-existent - - Aug 1st 2008

My husband purused me for 10 years and it was aftre he thought he lost, that I came round to the idea of marrying him.

After marriage and two kids, who we had in quck succession after marriage our love life is non-existent. I want sex and he none. Its not as if he does not love me...he is into comfort and food, while sex if furthest from his mind. what can be wrong?

29yr-old fiancee just wants sex on her terms - - Jul 15th 2008

communication is key, although it seems pride is the number one emotion getting in the way. fear and vulnerability are not easy things to deal with. having trust in my partner and inner strength within are necessary for cultivating understanding, especially when blame is a habit for at least one of us.

awareness of my emotions when i feel I  am being attacked is just as big a hurdle as recognizing my partner's needs. often both of us feel our needs not being met by the other like a catch-22.

my view? i get what i want and he will definately get what he wants. the reverse holds an opposite effect. he gets what he wants  when i don't get what i want. his claim of course is that when the latter happens enough (when i give it up enough) then he will start to give me what i want... in theory! i want him to listen to me, I want tenderness, respect, joy. he's an eeyore because he doesn't get sex... i don't feel sexy when there's no love only penis. we're doomed!

is there any hope? giving into sex when i don't feel sexy is not healthy for the relationship either. i try to explain to him what i want. at first he was defensive, so i changed my tone. basically, the more i try to explain what i want, the more i'm frustrated in getting it. so you can't say i'm not trying. what is it i'm not getting here?

Understanding is a dilemma - Robbie H - Jul 13th 2008

As a husband with 2 young children I find that there are so many things that get in the way of a sexual relationship with my wife....Kids are very time consuming and tiring. I am trying to be understanding because I know my wife is tired as she is still breast feeding and the yougest is still waking during the night......sleep issues with babies is a whole other story. I appreciate when I am tired I also am not very motivated to have sex. I do change nappies and get up 1st in the morning to look afte the kids to let my wife sleep, I do all the cleaning, she does the washing, cooking, shopping and we share the parenting fairly evenly though I do have limits with my work. I do all house maintenance etc. She does not do any work outside the house. And yes, I still feel like I am being deprived of the sexual relationship that I desire with my wife....

I do feel that it is just a forgotten thing and from when I have raised my concerns - not a priority to my wife....even though we discussed this very issue before we got married...we were both around 35yrs old when we married. My dilemma is where do you draw the line....I know the reasons (I think?) for the lack of sex but the effect is the same and I feel that it should be more of a priority as without it I feel our relationship is doomed to die........if not physically then emotionally... sex is a real way of connecting with my wife.......it always has been for me and don't think I can replace it.  I have 3 degrees and about to get a 4th so have intellectualised all the whys and biological drives etc but that still does not negate the effect of these things. When I have sex with my wife I feel closer to her for a lasting time after that and this rubs off on other aspects of our union....for me the sex is a key binding behaviour that is too easily forgotten. Great parenting can not happen without a great marriage. How do you be understanding and still get some of your needs satisfied...I do not expect to get everything I want. It just seems that it has dropped off the agenda for my wife and I would like to know how to get it back.....

Response to Nick - Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, PhD - Jul 10th 2008

Nick,

If you go to "Ask Dr. Schwartz," you will find a response to your comment.

 

Dr. Schwartz

A mans perspective......... - Nick H - Jul 9th 2008

I have just read your piece about women not wanting sex.....Well I'm on the receiving end of this as a man. However to add insult-to-injury I found out that my wife had been having an affair.

Before you jump to conclusions, the lack of sex has been going on for several years, but according to my wife (and I believe her) throughout the six months she was having her affair - she only had sex with the 3rd party twice.  The affair has now ended and we are trying to rebuild our marriage (we've been together 14 years and married 6).  The sex situation is still the same between us - in fact it's worse - non existent!!  She wants all the comforting hugs and little kisses - but that is about as much as I get.

I was interested in reading some other peoples ideas why this happens, kids, stress, being taken for granted - but what about us men.  I pay ALL the household bills, cook every meal, assist with the house cleaning etc etc.  How do your thoughts work on this scenario - I'd be very interested to know.

 

as hard as it is keep it new - still learning - Jun 27th 2008
I was happy to read and finally find someone who's belives as I do. It is a womans responsabilty to keep her husband happy, after all it doesnt take much, feed him, keep his clothes and his home clean take care of the kids and most of all dont become the"wife". I have been married sixteen years and it never felt like we had been together that long until now. We have had all the usual problems kids, work, money, parents, however this time was different, I took for granted he would understand that my attention was focused on what I belived was important. until one day I realized as I hung up the phone he didnt say I love you, as I sat there with the phone in my hand it hit me like a brick I could not recall the last time he had, we would hold hands going into the store or out to dinner even that had stopped. I quickly made changes but he did not respond, after four months I finally told him we had to talk. he said he has become detached from me sex was no longer important, we have spent three days talking we will get through this I just have to figure out how to get him to let me close to him again. So to all the wives ( dont become the "wife".)  thank you for your web site.

NONE OF THIS IS CORRECT - Laura Eckard - May 5th 2008

MY HUSBAND FALLS INTO, NONE OF THESE CATAGORIES! HE'S JUST BI-POLAR AND SELFISH!

Spelling - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Mar 11th 2008

You are quite correct and I beg your patience and indulgence. I am attempting to master some new technology and have not had the time to proof read and make corrections. Between the new technology and my haste in typing (not in thinking) I am making errors and not catching them.

I will make every effort to be more careful but I fear that, at least for now, I am likely to fail.

Dr. Schwartz (smiling with embarassment)

Spelling! - JR - Mar 11th 2008

Please, please, Doctor!  Not more on spelling!  We are barely over the "bearly" issue elsewhee In Here!  Seriously, I found this article very interesting, and may return with a substantive comment after further thought.

Best regards,

JR

Another woman/wife's point of view - Kat - Mar 11th 2008
I agree that husbands and wvies are equally at fault for most relationship issues especially around sexual relations.  As a wife I became exhausted due to children's needs, house hold needs, working full time, and other family needs.  My husband also helped in these area when asked after I was not capable of doing it all (usually after a good fight about he did not help out).  Much to say there was limited to no good communication between us and he believed/assumed that I was no long interested in sex.  After almost 3 years of professional counseling we learned we has to improve our communication skills with each other and give up old assumption, resentments, and anger to be able to rebuild a lasting relationship.  Oh believe me we had all the bad and good issues list in the article as well as other issues.  Truth in the end is this all relationships begin and end with good communication skills.

Baius Article - Betty A. Reid - Mar 11th 2008

You make this come off as if the women is the total cause, of how low and rotten husbands can be. Just about all the article, short of few things is what my husband has done to me.... There is no doubt that a man wrote this... Send me something you've wrote on how man does woman that even comes close to it? And I have been the wife who treated my husband as a King and had to bail us out of many messes life wise and money wise. And now just him and I and have nothing but a fighting relationship. Because I stopped his kingdom and thought it was time he gave me even a dribble of care/love. I have always had to swollow/overlook. everything and kept sticking my head right in that oven again/again. Because I Loved him and when I took my vows for better or worse I meant them. And I've and my two grown children got the worse and no love. Our 46 yrs. have been a total waste, other than my son and daughter. B.Reid

Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure that "Biaus" is probably intended to be "Biased", as in "Biased Article". 

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