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Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.
Dr. Schwartz's Weblog

Marriage and Pornography

Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. Updated: Mar 25th 2008

 I read, with some dismay, the many responses that wives have written to us about their reactions to discovering their husbands' watching Internet pornography. What is dismaying is not what they are discovering but the amount of hurt and anger they experience in reaction to this. In no way do I support husbands or anyone watching pornography. In fact, I agree that it demeans women and exposes children who use the Internet to inappropriate materials. What I do want to emphasize is the importance of husbands and wives opening a dialogue about the issue so that some type of compromise or solution can be found.

Reactions of some wives:

1. Some of the wives write that they are so angered by the discovery of their husband watching pornography that they want to exact some type of revenge in order to "show them how it feels." One woman wrote that she thought of dressing in ways that are sexy and alluring to draw the attention of other men and make her husband jealous.

2. Other wives have written that they feel so betrayed by their husband's activities on the Internet that they are considering divorce.

3. There are those women who describe the fact that their husbands' are enraged and unsympathetic when they are discovered.

4. A vast majority of women report that they are hurt because they doubt that their husbands' love them or find them attractive.

5. Some of these put ogling of pornography in the same category as adultery.

Why do Married Men View Pornography?

Frankly, it is unclear why many men are drawn to pornographic materials when they have willing and available wives. In fact, the wives, in writing in to Mental Help Net insist that they are available. One woman even reports that, after having sex with her u husband finds him going to the Internet to view these sexually explicit sites. Why?

There are probably as many reasons for this as their are men but here are a few possibilities:

1. For some husbands, the viewing of pornography has a "peeping Tom" quality to it. This means that they find passive viewing, even with masturbation, safer than fully revealing their secret sexual fantasies to their wives.'

2. Other men may be caught in a type of obsessive-compulsive type of sexual activity. For these people, sex is a type of addiction, much like a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction. We know that viewing Internet pornography can become addictive.

3. A deep sense of insecurity and sense of shame may keep some men attached to Internet sexual material. For these men, it is safer to be sexual alone than with a woman, even if that woman is their wife.

4. Several men, in the context of psychotherapy, reported to me that they fear disapproval if their wives knew the types of sexual thoughts and fantasies they have. For these men, these thoughts and fantasies can be "safely gratified" on the anonymous Internet.

5. The old "Whore-Maddona Complex" causes some husbands to keep their sexual thoughts secret. For these, there is a lot of self disapproval about their thoughts and fantasies because they view their wives as mothers and as "pure" women. Therefore, frank sexual thinking and feeling is too disapproving when directed towards their wives.

6. For other women, pornography is just another example of men exploiting and demeaning women.

Regardless of what motivates some husbands to view sexually explicit materials on the Internet, their appears to be something that forces them to keep this activity a secret from their wives. Once the secret is uncovered a lot of pain and anguish occurs as a result of wives feeling hurt and alienated. Too many husbands seem to have difficulty understanding this phenomenon.

Marriage:

At Brigham Young University a study was published demonstrating the fact that:

1. Married men and women have lower blood pressure than those who are single.
2. Unhappily married men and women have lower blood pressure than single but higher than happily married people.
3. Happily married people have the lower blood pressure than the first two categories.

Among the factors that constituted a good marriage according to the study were:
 a. emotional support
b. sharing and celebrating good news
c. encouraging one another to go to the doctor of one of them was not feeling well

Conclusion:

It seems fairly obvious that an important aspect of a happy marriage is the ability to fully share sexuality. Refusing to engage in love-making, retreating to aloneness to watch pornography and masturbate, maintaining a secret life, and constant arguing are all problems that interfere with having a happy marriage.

Unhappy marriages are never the fault of just one person. Whether the issues are money, sex, jealousy, child rearing or anything else, it takes two people to create unhappiness.

There are many self help books available for couples to read together about how to improve their marriages and sex lives together. Ultimately, there is also marriage therapy.

What are your views on this important issue?

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

Readers who live in the Boulder, Colorado metro area, or in Southwest Florida may contact Dr. Schwartz for face-to-face consultation. He is also available for psychotherapy through Skype video for those who are not in Florida or Colorado. He can be reached via email at dransphd@aol.com for details.

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

relate - - Mar 23rd 2015

My boyfriend of 9 years masturbates every morning, sometimes twice a day. He watches a lot of porn and I am OK with it I watch it too. But lately he hasn't been able to get it up and he's only 25. Now I'm concerned that the porn has made me not good enough for him or that the masturbating is causing the ED so I asked him to not sack off in the morning so as he might be able to perform later....but he keeps doing it and I'm getting nothing...,told him that this is not how relationships work.....that if he cared he would stop for a few days to see if it is causing his ED ....but he acts like I'm telling him to stop breathing ....am I over reacting?

Pornography should be condemned again - Parham - Jan 11th 2015

hello

I am a 32-year-old husband in IRAN. My country is a religeous one; however, the access to the internet after 2000 has gotten widespread. Our society has been changing dramatically since then. It's very interesting that we have some couples feeling the same problems as the couples in the USA.

I really think the western countries are leading us toward a black destiny. I'm muslims. Most of the muslims here believe in freedom of speech, rights of women and other things. Actually our bliefs are so alike. The difference is the dominant culture and what we in reality do.

Pornography seems the main cause of doubt in sexual marriage. In my country, the rate of divorce and cohabitation, sex before marriage is increasing. we know that this is one of the main sideeffects of globalization.

I was addicted to the pornography as well, but I quited. If you believe in a religion, I am sure it can help u. if you don't, I hope you believe in some rules for social togetherness and society.

I hope we can do this for own country, fortunately in my country, pornography is forbidden. we have many prostitutes and probably gays and lesbians. the rules against them is unfair and most of people agree on that. but we are really afraid of two things to happen to us in the next 10 to 20 years: freedom of pornography as in the USA and sex before marriage.

Both have very detrimental effects. we feel the negative effects right now. By pornography, more marriages doom and more singles have sex before marriage which leads to 'No marriage till I enjoy having sex with more and more for both partners in friendship before marriage.

The future is so scary to us and my society is trying hard to find a solution. I hope the USA which is a leading country in the world tries to have a distinctive line between freedom of speech, rights of women and many other legal freedoms , and pornography and the culture of \\

True love is what we have - Loving couple - Dec 2nd 2014

Me and my partner have a perfect relationship and we are both very loyal and happy that we agree. We do all things together and share ofcourse the intimate part together. We dont lie, or hide things, we dont watch porn.. Its first of all a sick world and its unattractive, and its not for a serious relationship. We have learned to enjoy each other and appriciate the gift that we met. He would not like i enjoy to look at other guys and stimulate me sexualy with this aswell as i would not enjoy it. And has nothing to do with self esteem it has to do with how serious you want the relationship and how comitted you are to share the things togther!!!! The shit commets on internet is lobbying and not the reality. We enjoy each other and if i would look at other men i know he would be hurt becuase he loves me he believes in us and he want to be the only one for me.

If you are not in a good relationship, and if you have not spoken about bounderies, do it now!! If you husband would caught you watching other guys in porn he would either be hurt becuasue he loves you or he wouldnt care becuase he is over the relationship.

If he loves you he will understand you also like he understand what hurts him and he will understand a relationship is built out of equal love and respect. You deserve this commited relationship.

 

Do not wait find out if you have find a comitted partner, that is 100 procent into you like you are into him or her. Dont wait, find it out is he have the respect and love you have for him or her, if you are not competitve anymore dont hesitate to get out of it.

im the wife with the problem - - Nov 30th 2014

Hi im a wife and I am addicted to porn i do it   once   or twice a day my husband works away and this is how it started he went away for 6 month and I watched what I found on my husbands computer and I searched more and more and found so much of it and tryed it out and it was the best orgasm I ever had I felt naughty and I continued to do it I carnt stop but seriously its not that theres hot men with big dingle dangles that gets  me off cos its not  its just the actual fantasy of all that happening and im still loyal and im not cheating my husband isnt cheating its just a fantasy in real time u can watch and it is exiting I used to scream at my husband for watching it I felt like I was worthless and he wanted them more but it was not the case I understand this now so please dont feel like your worthless take it from me iv had my shoes in both feet im glad I understand him but not so glad I got addicted in the process cheer up ladys carnt beat then join then :-)

Duped for Porn - - Nov 22nd 2014

Thank you all for making me feel not alone.  I caught my husband masterbating to TV porn over 29 years ago. I was stunned and shocked even back then to walk in on him with his hand on himself with the TV showing porn. I am not a prude and back then, We even used to watch it together. It was no big deal. That was part of our passionate sex life at the time. I was in my 20's. Of course when the kids came, all that had to get out of the home. We enjoyed a fairly good sex life for the next 10 years. He got sick and was put on meds , after awhile he couldnt really get to the point he needed to satisfy me. He never tried to do other stuff in place of intercourse, either. I am now in my 50's.  My husband has not slept in my bed for over 15 years. We had ocassional sex up until about 3 years ago.  He has Ed. I thought it was because of his meds. The other day, I found a mess of porn dvds hidden in the garage. I found a couple under the dvd player in the family room he sleeps in. I was devastated. Why isnt anyone talking about how that visual of their man masturbating is an end all to any respect that I had. It is disgusting to think that he is doing that all alone on the couch. All these thoughts and visuals  go through my mind. Yes there is the box of tissues and next to that is a can of Febreze that kind of looks like a penis. Some of these dvd's were labeled mother and daughter. Disgust. I scratched every single one of them. I hate the sneakiness and lies and how defensive he got when I approached him. He apologized and said he was embarassed because of his Ed so that is why he doesnt come upstairs. I am thinking he has been doing this for many years and this caused him his ED. I also think I was duped and didnt ever in my wildest fantasy and I have had many that I havent acted on, would he be doing this. I dont feel like many of you, that finding out your loved one is porn addicted, made me feel ugly or unwanted. I look pretty damn good for my 56 years of age. I would have no trouble finding someone. I do love him, but it grosses me out. I am angry that he was self absorbed and pleasured himself and I was trying to protect his manhood by not fussing over his ED and he didnt care one minute about my sexual needs. I want a body in my bed not some porn star who is just fake.  Anyway, I am seeing a therapist and I dont know if I can ever look at him the way I always did. He is  a good man, socially inept, though, but good dad and granddad. I do feel like the mother who scolded him, but I am aware of that and I am trying to be understanding.  Maybe finding out now is meant to be. 15 yrs of my 35 yrs was all about him and his hand.

hurt and betrayed - Ali - Nov 17th 2014

Like some many other wives and partners on here I too have just discovered that my husband watches porn. And I too am devastated. I thought we had the perfect marriage; he is the kindest, most loving and generous person imaginable. When I first found out - by looking totally innocently for something else on his phone I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. He was very apologetic and told me he would stop. Now, I don't know if he will but since he admitted it has been going on since he was 16 I doubt he will be capable. I draw some solace I guess that it has been going on for longer than I have known him so it is not a total rejection of me.

I think he thought that once we had discovered and discussed this it would be an end to it. But I can't help feeling unloved, betrayed, helpless, lost, unattractive, worthless. All the things other people have said. He now refuses to talk about it saying he is too embarrassed and says I'm overreacting and I should just get used to it as all men do it.

Well I guess I am liberal enough to accept that, if it weren't for the fact that long before I knew about his porn habit our sex life had diminished to almost non- existent except when I initiated it. I had even discussed this lack of interest with a friend and we put it down to age and being tired.

I recall that some years ago I stopped being able to reach orgasm during sex but was happy just to have sex with him even if I did not climax. Unfortunately I chose to tell him and he saw this as a real sleight on his manhoood and has barely been able to come near me since. I have always blamed myself and yes I know this is not good for the fragile male ego. But I realise now after some research that the reason that I could no longer reach orgasm was not weak pelvic muscles or age but that he could no longer maintain an erection with me due to ED brought on by porn addiction - yes it happens; I have done some research. It is not uncommon for men to only reach a full erection when looking at porn. He even posted a photo of his erect penis on his phone as if to remind himself he still can get a 'stiffy' when looking at porn

Men are in denial to their addiction - - Nov 15th 2014

Why do men hide the porn AND are also shocked that their wives react negatively to it being discovered?

That does not make sense.  If they didn't think she would care, why would they hide it?  And if they didn't think she would care, why would they be surprised at the upset?


Because they tell themselves that it doesn't matter, and it is nothing, no big deal.  But deep down they know it does matter and they feel bad about it.  But they cannot seem to resist it.  They cannot formulate an argument against it to keep themselves from watching it.  They know if they think about it, they will conclude they should stop watching it.  So they don't think about it.  They claim it means nothing. But then they are angry if a woman has a problem with it.

Porn is created to tantilize and capture men.  It IS hurtful.  Society lies to us by saying it means nothing.  Men buy the lie on the surface.  The lie is the rug they hide their true feelings about it under.  Like an addict, only when they are forced to face the nature of it (by their wife) do they have to see it for what it is.  It is sharing (one way) sexual intamacy.  It diminishes your wife's sexuality because everything about porn is built to be stimulating.  It should be avoided, and it should be recognized by men that it should be avoided.  Gently and forgivingly, because it is a sad truth that he was lured into it by the industry.

Also, women and men should kindly bring up porn while dating and talk about it throughout the dating process in order to be on the same page.

frustrated and confused - - Nov 6th 2014

I dont agree on pornography in a marriage. As God's way it is a sin to do while married, your spouse is the one that is supposed to be all that for you. I guess for some people it helps and some it causes chaos. I believe that it does hurt most marriages, women start to not feel good about themselves causing distance between a marriage. My question is.......if your husband turns to porn for their needs and masturbates while you are fully available, what do you do?? They say they have a dysfuntion down there, but masturbates.......is that really possible? How can someone tell their wife that they have a dysfunction but watch porn and masturbate??? Just need advice ecause i am hurting from this. Sex is rare any more. 

3 months no porn use. - - Oct 28th 2014

It has been over three months since I have used pornography.
My relationship with my wife has improved so much.We are very intimate. much more than in the past.

I have found masturbating in the bathtub helped ween me off of pornography.

The bath water provided good lubrication and the heat of the water allowed me to relax with my body.

The switch that ejaculation is not essential has also been a good one for me.

Using pornography effected my ability to build intimate relationships and friendships.

When things got too much I relied on the chemical release from orgasm.But the drop in mood afterwards,the frustration led to complusion.Personally I am not religious and while I see good in anti-porn from religion I wanted to find my own path free from dogma. Feeling vunerable and sitting with these feelings has been tough but rewarding.Seeing women on a platonic level has been liberating. When I Smile at a woman now,even if they think I have one thing on my mind.I feel happy that I can view each person as A spiritual being.And sexual attraction is not the key to remove lonliness. I am beginning to see beauty not as a "Sexy" thing but as a natural quality that everyone has.

We have talked about his, still happens - - Oct 26th 2014

Months ago, I walked upstairs to find my husband viewing a porn site on the computer. And masterbating. He works a different scedule than I do, but there was a time when it was just me he was crazy about. We talked about it and I told him how hurtful it was and he seemed to understand, just told me it was a vessel . Whatever. I understand the whole masterbation thing, but why does he have to look at women more than half my age to do this, no imagination? We've been married since I was 36, I'm 53 now. I know I'm not the hottie I was, although I have tried to take care of myself. For that matter, he is older too, but I still see him as he was when we met. Last night, I get up and find him watching porn on some cable channel. Of course he said he just got up to get somerthing and was going to switch channels. How gullible does he think I am? I asked him about it this morning and was snapped at with"What difference does it make?" then he turns on me, I get up earlier, that I was on the computer what does it matter. You see, I told him I was available, but do I wake him? I was just trying to let  him sleep, and to be honest, after what I saw him watching, I feel totally undesirable, and yes it feels like he is cheating in a way. The woman was twenty years younger. How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to compete? I'm in tears. I thought we had something more than this, and it has fallen apart. On top of that, I'm ususally the aggressor for sex anymore. I suppose that since he was viewing this garbage, that he releved himself? But just made an excuse as to I was doing something else when he was sleeping. Men just don't realize what this does to their wives. So many of these comments I really relate to.It is hard enough in our society as women to feel attractive and desirabel after a certain age to not have to discover our husbands are doing this. It's heartbreaking and they just don't care as long as they get what they want.

It sure didn't help my marriage - Gina - Oct 13th 2014

I discovered my husband of 20 years watching porn around 9 months ago.  It also made me realize that he had been watching it for around the past 10 years!  I really did not know (thought it could have been my son 10 years ago but know better now).  Same porn site that I found 10 years ago on my computer.

My husband and I had very frank, open discussions on this topic.  Without being angry, I told him that it made me feel very inadequate.  After all, he is looking at 18-25 year old women without an ounce of fat to their bodies and they are more than ½ my age.  I did say that as long as it was kept at a minimum, it was OK.  I was trying to be understanding.

He continued, almost nightly as a matter-of-fact watching the scenarios play out on the porn site.  I was open to buying some "toys" hoping to liven up things at home.  Once I did that, he switched to watching a different type of porn since obviously, the ones he had previously been viewing didn't give him a thrill anymore since we played those out.  We would have sx and within a few hours he would be right back on that porn site.

And what happened?  He wanted me to try acting out these new scenarios involving other people!  Wife swapping, threesomes....I took our marriage vows seriously and that does not involve having more people in our bed!  To say I was shocked is an understatement.  I kept a level head, saying I would think about it but of course knowing that I would never do such a thing.  I wanted to see how far he would take it.  Well he was quite willing to take it all the way (no, it never happened) but it also makes me distrust him all the more.  If he’s willing to share me with others, what else is he capable of?

I know that this has greatly affected me mentally and I have no self esteem left.  At this point, I am having a hard time achieving orgasim now.   That he would willingly share me with others and think that there is nothing wrong with it has devastated me.  He thinks his porn world is what real life should be like.

Porn has not helped my marriage at all, it has hurt it beyond belief.

porn - mamamissh - Oct 11th 2014

I use to not mind it at all, as long as I was included and knew about it, but its got to where its as if he's Not attracted to me, more attracted to everyother female out in the universe....i truely feel that way...it hurts...i try not to get upset...but I've tried to talk to him openly on the issue, yet no changes. I find sh*t on there all the time.....not very happy about it...not one bit. I shouldn't have to feel so little and unsure of myself because ..of his actions. It does feel like being cheated on..and its plain and simple.....me n shouldn't think oh its nothing...they r so wrong. Def. Its rude,disrspectful,hurtful and just sad howmuch porn is become apart of our relationship...his part atlesst...it was said to me before ohh its just to get position advice, and hmmm is showing me plenty of that's not what's really in mind. And I especially hate finding chat ad webcam...and sexdating and stuff on internet....mostly as he yells me he doesn't know where it came from. Wow.....my minds bogglee and yet I'm sad and feeldeep depression tak a part of me. ...

caught husband on porn - tee - Oct 6th 2014

Also just caught husband  and I want to kill myself. What do I do. Please some help me i don't understand.i am beautiful  and sexy and do anything he ask.

sick of computor and open with my boy friend its distorting how hi feel about him hours upon hrs I - kj - Oct 2nd 2014

Ive asked & asked him to fit me in compaired to the hrs. He spends on the computor. Its not just porn but nothing get done for a lenghly amount of time. Itsmore important than us or our home....

Marriage and pornography - Eliizabeth - Sep 30th 2014

My husband has the habbit of going to the restroom 3 to 4 times a day and takes his phone with him. What caught my attention was that hes in the restroom for 35 to 45min each time. I started suspecting something was going on like he was on line dating or talking to someone till one day he asked me to look for a number on the internet and forgot to erase the history so to my surprise as soon as I open the internet there was a few porn sites he had visited it got me off guard didnt know how to react and after that I got a phone he had used previouslypreviou and it had a few porn sites there too. He has an addiction and what devestasted me is that with me hes never been too sexually active with me and he told me that he had a health problem thats why he wasnt very sexually active so I left it alone and even though I desired sex a lot I would hold myself to not make him feel bad. But tje truth is he doesnt want to have sex with me cause he rather watch porn and masturbate! And mean while I can walk infront of him nacked and he wont even look at me. I feel betrayed and the worse part is that he doesnt care and doesnt want to talk about it. He just keeps on doing his thing careless. I love him but he brakes my heart every night that he lays by my side with no desire towards me.

Scared-Dont know what to do??? - - Sep 29th 2014

I have been married for 27 yrs+ now, I love my husband I knew his porn thing way before but I was naive, clueless and did not pay attention to it because i was working 2 jobs and few business on the side,busy, now that I only work 1 regular job  focus at home and my teenager, I caught him at least 3 times infront of the tV masterbating and he got embarassed, I felt disgusted kind of like embarassed too didn't get mad at the time, but the more I noticed how am i being treated by him and the more I read about it online, it confirms all the painful emotions I am having. He agreed to therapy, ofcourse there is lies. I know for a fact that he masterbate daily while watching it on the television. or wherever he can  He has a different work schedule that I am. He said he doesn't do it anymore, even though he watch it while he's having coffee and cigarette with his cell phone every morning in the garage, I am not a babysitter to tell or ask him what he's doing every morning as he can be there for an hour or two, he said he's checking his email at work, and whatever else goes with that. I am God's fearing person and don't beleive in divorce and I love this guy. But everytime something comes up, there I am in such pain. He loves and enjoy talking to girls, esp teenagers, he probably talks to them more than he talks to me. I don't think he wants to spend more time with me.

Oh God, I am just so tired this can go on and on, I am so desperately in need of help and it's so hard, I always cries and so depressed to a point where my kids are the victims. I realized every situation is unique but mine is so complicated.

I am one of the group - May Bold - Sep 20th 2014

 I don't know what to say, it is not what I really expect reading stories of women like me who felt being betrayed by their on husband. I was just curious if I am really abnormal like what my husband always insisting about me. I am married almost 4 years now but we're in relationship for 2 years total of almost 6 years. My husband is always had reason of every emotional damaged that he did. Like all your husband he does watch porn too and I am not sure if he was paying for live show online because I saw addcash thing on his computer history. I caught him watching porn and masterbating himself. And like every woman who really love thier husband and having concern about thier sex life connection I always told my husband that I am wiling to watch the porn with him and do it, I told him I don't like secret. I felt betrayal and being cheated everytime he watch porn behind my back. I felt like his thinking about thw woman in the screen when he was masterbating. the latest things happened is I caught him by veiwing his computer history that he was searching for sexy picture of women. I am very disappointed and I felt too hurt. I felt his not contented with me. We argue and fight again and he always yelled at me and tried to convinced me that it is just normal for a man to do it. I keep explainning to him that it is not normal in relationship because it is hurting me. He told me I am crazy and western women won't mind all those things. And I told him no because women is women had emotion to be hurt emotionally, being insulted of every guys who did that. He said I am insane and I know I am not I am not smart but I am not stupid. Emotion is part of every woman who is being loyal to their husband. I told him that I am hurting of what his doing because I love him and he just yelled at me and keep saying I am insane, crazy. God help me because I am really almost felt out of love to my own husband. My feelings is almost gone and being replace by hatred. Day by day I am not sure what to think when I am facing him. Our house is so messy by now because I am so depressed emotional and mentally. I really want to file an annullment because I can't keep all the insult that I only got from the man that I love....Anyone could tell me I am insane?

 

Thanks,

May

Agree - - Sep 5th 2014

Porn is an infedelity even if you think it is not. You are cheating on your other partner especially when it is a hidden topic on their computer & you are not involved. Marriage is a two way street & when one partner op[ts for the one way without the other then this is the end of anything mutual. Do you go & do what they do & enter chat rooms for the misunderstood. Does your partner realise that these people are the same age as your own sons & daughters & how would they feel if they were actually having a thing with one of their own????? No they think that they are all above board & yet hate in their own words what the media does in self damage. Then tell u its ok to go to gym when they themseves are 25kg+ over weight & u r 10kg overweight.....Is this to have sex with a thinner you. Am so appaled at his suggestion even going to the fact that i need to die my hair lighter with blonde highlights......am jet black but gave in......why???????? Because he wants me to look like what he watches even though they are 30 odd years younger... my response go blow it out your ear !!!!!!!!!!!!!! act your age ancient one.

 

Porn is a turn off - - Sep 5th 2014

Have always been sexually active with my husband until 13 years ago & now can not think of him in any sexual way as have viewed his pornography that he keeps on a back up drive & whenever am at the kids & gran kids he is into it. Would not mind if one on one but always annal sex with a threesome. Am not a prude but was raped when younger & he knows this & am totally sexually turned off by him. His response is i am an adult & can do what i like. My response is you just killed us off as a marriage. He says he has stopped but alas he hasnt. Hence my non interest in him sexually. Any help from any one. I had a past when i met himm 20 yrs ago as a mother of 4 & a then husband who was very fond of his students so i needed to find approval of me from men.

bull - - Sep 3rd 2014

Sometimes it is one person's fault.  I have been dealing with this for eleven years, married for five.  I didn't know what I was dealing with initially.  I LOVED sex.  Had my own porn.  We had awesome sex.  It even kept getting better despite the dozens of times I caught him after it started making me uncomfortable.  His problem wasn't watching it but wanting to bring fantasy to fruition.  He flirted with strippers, his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, online chatters, one of my friends, a neighbor.  He created an online profile on adultfreindfinder and tried to meet twenty-two other women.  I don't know if he actually cheated but because I never had concrete proof, only of his attempts, I always came back.  He convinced me that he was solid ( I was so naive ).  Two years went without him trying to meet someone (  that I knew of ) but in that time, he started using the phone.  Real pictures of real women, his friends girlfriends and exes... People he could meet.  We'd fight but I'd let him manipulate me without realizing it.  I did leave him for a year.  But was drawn back like a moth to a flame.  We both had a son from other relationships and they bonded as brothers.  So this added complexity.  I still didn't know what I was dealing with.  His online shenanigans grew but I was just starting to realize how much of issue it was becoming for me cuz I was still trying to cope with the actual encounters that had happened.  He blurred that line between fantasy and reality and does it in every other facet of his life.  So, so dangerous.   Somehow, he convinced me to marry him six years in.  We have a three year old daughter.  After we got married and had our baby, I developed a crippling disability in my feet and needed four surgeries ( two failed ).  I now am looking at a long time coming spinal fusion.  And my feet are not much better.  I can't work.  The first night that I could drive after my first surgery, I went out for the first time in eight weeks, to hang with some friends.  He tried to cheat on me with an unrequited love of his youth.  I found it all on fb.  He complained about me and tried to see her behind my back.  She said no.  Hah!  Stupid.  But I was in a wheelchair for the next year and a half with a baby and had lost my business as a hairstylist.  I can tell you what hell looks like.  I just found it again Sunday morning on an old phone that he found and was charging in the bedroom, hidden in a shoe.  Even after catching him trying to see this girl two years ago, there have been numerous catches of him indulging in the porn despite the promises to stop.  He can\t.   It has made me venomous and toxic.  And when any man says that it's not a big deal, he's a liar.  I went from loving sex to having a neurosis because of his indiscretions.  I can only do it if detached emotionally.  And buddy, if you think it saved your marriage, it destroyed the quality of both of your lives.  So what if your married if you feel like you're in prison.  Kudos for your cleverness, yeah right.  I am leaving him now because I don't want to feel like I have to have sex with someone who I abhor, just for the kids.  None of this was my fault.

Porn saved my marriage. - Elcoman - Aug 25th 2014

My wife and I stopped having sex after our 2 kids were born. We are sexually incompatible and I am not aroused by her and had trouble getting an erection with her.

It has now been 15 years since the sex stopped and I have to say that despite wanting to live in the same home as my kids if it wasn't for easily available internet porn for sexual release I would have either gone outside the home looking for sex or left the marriage.

So porn has actually kept my marriage together.

 

husband watching pornography - kirsty martin - Aug 18th 2014

i also discovered my husband watching porn i am also devastated it not as if he doesent gets sex off me its not the first time i caught him i also caught him on no strings attatched sex thing called shag book he told me he went on it for a laught i was with for married too him twenty years i feel your pain pal hang in thereconfront him

It must be discussed and consensual - Rebecca - Jul 22nd 2014

Reading all the comments following this short article is tragic. It's not that porn is bad for every couple. Some use it creatively and both enjoy incorporating it. For me that's not the case and when I found my husband in front of his phone with his hands full of himself it broke my heart. I had been working odd hours and many double shifts to save for upcoming purchases and a vacation roadtrip. He is unemployed and prepping for going back to school after age 25. I felt utterly betrayed and had feelings that he was unfaithful to me. I am not ugly people tell me all the time I am a celebrity look alike even when I'm not wearing makep. I'm not overweight and am naturally curvy. I also have a past of sexual abuse and to me the porn industry is degrading and hurtful to men and women. It hurts me that he was keeping secrets and would rather self fulfill than wait one week until our free time during vacation. I was enraged and utterly destroyed and am thinking of divorce. He knows my sensitive sexual past and we had a slow start from the beginning due to my apprehensions. I know I'm not alone in these feelings which helps a little. I don't feel I should have to put up with lies and an unsatisfying sex life due to porn. Other readers hang in there. Communication is the only way to possibly resolve the issue or you should move forward and find a mate with the same values as you.

Niche - - Jun 10th 2014

I have not read all the posts -- I have read many of them and see familiar feelings expressed.  Importantly, we must address that the WOMEN on these porn sites would not be there if they themselves had healthy happy lives.  It is the degradation of women that bothers me most.  Yes, I caught my husband, and there are a multitude of feelings associated with that, but as a mother of a 27 year old woman and grandmother of a 7 year old girl, it is this that bothers me most. 

The consequences are devastating - - Jan 17th 2014

It is not just about the porn.  It is a matter of the heart.  Why a man looks is complex.  It is viewed through many different types of mediums.  Once the looking goes beyond and experimenting begins there is a spiral that occurs.  My husband and I had been married for 27 years and he cheated on me with a guy, purely for his own guilty pleasures.  His secret was until he became HIV infected.  One would think that after that happened he would RUN the other direction from anything that has to do with perversion.  No, in fact now he seems to more comfortable than ever, enjoying his secrecy.  He thinks I don't realize that it is a daily occurence.  Hours and hours of unending surfing on the internet.  It is destroying me but I don't know what to do.

porn lies again! - - Oct 30th 2013

When i was a young hottie i found my fiancee had viewed porn. Of course he denied it vehemently bu t it came out. We had bloody good sex life and i was devastated, beynd belief bit loved him eventually after tears and fights forgave amd marrried him. Fast forward, two children later. I am not bad and have a fair amount of attentin form men whoch i ignore as i a, married! But sex life rare, not much interest from little communicatin for  ages whcohihave tried to point lut but he must rls his eyes. Thinks being a good faner  akes a marriage!

Anyway he has ben at it again for gid knows how long, what  akes it worse ithe was talking about renewing our marriage vows recently to prove that he is a changed man, snlud. Have j own this was odd.

I am betrayed, the .lying is the problem, i do nto want ot hear men gave a right to porn' then be honest and  .let me decide if i want to be nelected emotionaly and physically starved. We are seperatedfor one  month but .ivong tohgether. No trust no love, rejected and for what? A hand job, well i think i am  more important than that even of he doesnt. Unloved and desperate. He says he will do anything to keep our marroage but he didnt did he?

 

Being open minded and a team player backfired on me - Maureen - Oct 25th 2013

I am a 50 yr old female.  2 years ago I reunited with my old HS boyfriend.  We decided to commit and move in together.  He has always been too popular and draws women toward him. He is very open minded, maybe too open minded and I try.  I agreed to try out a girl on girl session because he likes to see that (he watches those types of porn movies) it is a real turn on for him.  So I tried, a few times.  But I hated it.  Biologically I actually became numb and felt nothing.  I explained to him how I didn't want to do that anymore and he says he respects that but if I ever change my mind and find someone I want to bring home, he would be happy. Sexual intercourse between he and I stopped before the lesbian sessions ended.  I explained to him the feelings of sadness and hurt I was feeling because he and I can no longer just get it on ourselves.  He cannot become stimulated unless he is watching girl on girl porn.  Its killing me.  I love him and I want him, just him - at least once in a while.  I will watch porn with him, but he and I need to have some exchanges that only include he and I - without porn. Am I just plain stupid and need to move on or should I continue to work toward a happy resolution?  If so, what should my next step be.  I need him to want just me....once in a while.  My self esteem is being trampled with this issue.  And I have always been an above average looking female.....even at 50.

Marriage & Pornography - Jeanie - Oct 24th 2013

    I've been married over 30 yrs. My husband & I are both in our early 60s. We have 3 grown children. We had a wonderful marriage & great sex life for 26 yrs. Four yrs ago, I had to get a home computer with internet for my job. Digital cable was also included with our net pkg, so we got both. I caught my husband watching porn one night. It hurt a bit but, I chalked it up to curiosity with our new cable pkg & tried to blow it off. I did give a warning about not making it a habit. He agreed & promised no more. To make a long story short, he continued with the porn on TV, then the internet, maybe a couple times a month. At first he just viewed, but as time passed, it included masturbation too. Our sex life went down the tubes; he even refused me at times, & I would catch him viewing with self pleasure later the same night. Very hurtful for me! My husband was so loving & respectful before that I thought I had a new evil husband brought by Satan. He would lie, do secretive behaviors & just about anything that he never did in the first 25 yrs of our marriage. He really became a changed man who I didn't recognize. This went on for 3 yrs, until one day he woke up. He can't explain why, but he did. He is in recovery & doing very well. No more porn at present. Our sex life returned to normal, & things were going well until the point in his recovery when he was told to be completely transparent (truthful) about the thoughts going thru his head during porn addiction. I am his 2nd wife. His first marriage only lasted 4 yrs. she was very cruel to him & I was everything that she wasn't. She cheated on him with his best friend who was best man in his wedding. She hit him. Anything bad, she did to him. Also, they have one child together, so we do have to be in his ex-wife's company from time to time. I'm not trying to sound conceited, but the truth is I am waaaay better looking than his ex wife. I never felt insecure when I was around her, ever. Oh I forgot to mention, he had his marriage to her annulled so we could marry as Christians & sort of symbolically remove her from his life. I felt very comfortable that my husband wanted her gone once, for all & forever, & I never thought twice about it. Well, during his porn addiction, he admitted to fantasizing about his ex wife while viewing porn. I am flabberghasted, appalled, hurt beyond words & whatever else I can be. I now have to imagine my husband getting turned on over his ex wife & having an orgasm with the thought of his ex wife on his mind because that's exactly what he did. Porn is one thing but this......I am dying inside.

I am sick and he watches the porn what to do? - Dott - Sep 8th 2013

Hi, need help in dealing with this... This morning I walked in on my husband watching something on his laptop in bed...I've asked him to show me what it was he wouldn't and than he said I haven't had sex for so long...... True, we have not been sexual for over a year..I am now recovering from my third back surgery (all three surgeries preformed in the aspect of nine months), because of it I am on pain medications, tuck in bed, depressed and unable to do anything.. I can't drive, work or look after my children.. I've put on weight because of all the meds and lack of exercise..I realise I look crap....this morning incident just made me feel worse about myself. Don't really know what to do, how to react... Should I talk to one of my friends? Please help I am devastated. 

Pro-porn - Tina - Aug 19th 2012

I like porn and watch it regularly. I masturbate and get off on it frequently. Viewing it excites me and often leads me to seek out sex with my spouse. Am I addicted? I don't think so. It enhances my sex life with my partner. It's healthy. 

Video, graphics as well as the written word and oral stories are al something I seek out. I think most of you need to chill out and stop being so concerned about porn. Porn is fun as long as it is within the confines of legal adult behavior. Relax and enjoy yourself and let your partners do the same. So much angst over nothing. You can't expect you to completely fulfil your spouse or to be completely fulfilled by one person. We all need to venture outside. I am not advocating cheating, simply that outside influences and ideas are fun and you need to be open minded so your partner will feel safe to reveal themselves to you. Making porn something evil and bad is just ridulous. It exists for a reason. We ate sexual beings with compacted intricate desires that we should be able to explore safely.

I am in a 10 year plus marriage in which I have been faithful. I also love sex and my spouse travels frequently so I masturbate a lot to various sources, not all of them porn exactly. What I do is safe and fine. It cheers me up and relaxes me.

I also have an online boyfriend I masturbate with frequenty. He's amamazing. He's more into porn than I am and often sends me great pics and links. I feel blessed that he found me. It actually makes my marriage better because I'm more interested in sex.

My husband really has no interest in porn, pretty vanilla and that's okay too. He doesn't seem to mind my porn fetish or the time I spend on it. I do a considerable amount of erotic writing too. It makes me happy.

My point of writing is to let you all know to loosen up. Porn is an enhancement and it robs you of nothing. It's like ice cream being jealous of the whip cream and the cherry on top.

And just to be clear, I am a female that gets her groove on with porn.

possibly addiction or maybe not - Charles Leonard Watson Jr - Jul 14th 2012

I watch porn on a regular basis. I use to masterbate long time ago but for me the sight of it excites me to get an errection. I am much older now and masterbating is no longer an option. My wife has caught me numerous times on the porn sight and we have some very heated aurgue ments about money and sex. I know that our relationship is not normal because I can not and will not communicate with her like a so called normal person should. As a kid I was never allowed to have self expression and so it has carried over into my marriage. I'm always on the defense because I feel my wife is alway attacking me or complaining. She never gives me any consideration or praise about anything good that I do. When it is time to talk, I always shut down unless it is about having sex with her. We both are frustated because I'm not getting the sex and love that I want and deserve and she complains that she is not getting the security and respect that she deserves and wants. We have been on this vicious cycle for over 30 years. I have gone outside our marriage several times to find my sexual gratification and companionship. I mistakenly did it soon after we were married. My wife was very abusive to me vocally and I haven't been able to contructively defend myself because of all the things that I have confessed to have done and she holds it against me and uses it when there is an aurguement between the two of us. I could write a book on my life and still have more to share. I do admit that I watch porn on a regular basis. The things that I tell my wife about that hurts or offends me she always manages to come up with some great excuse for why she does those things. I am very angry about she has treated me in the pass. She is nearly 6 years older than I am and with all that more experience, I am always intimadated of her in every conversation. Also she is very domineering. She gets very upset when I fail to come to her wlth help with paying the bills. She does not discuss anything concerning anything, my problem is that she is alway telling me what should or has to be done or every issure rather that asking for my advice and input on different situations. Let me mention this one more thing. She does not care at all about my sexual needs. She always shuts them down even before there is an discussion. 

 

 

?Who Are You To Say? - LWR - Nov 23rd 2010

Well hello and good karma to all for one i would like to start off by saying who are you ? to tell me or ask or peer into my business behind closed doors. when my personnel life is no concern to you as long as i'am not breaking any laws or hurting any one we all have secret fantasies or we do not but when we do something out of norm someone points their finger and says oh you should not be doing that! you should be doing this. well again what i do and when i do it is my prerogative if it feels good and i'am not on your front lawn or in your living room why does it bother so many people well i'am not here to say anything bad about anyone or any thing i do not write how our government treats us i do not write about how sports people make to much but that my opinion i keep it to my self or how about that police officer that uses his job for personnel gain hmmm? well i could go on but i'll tell you i like watching porn with someone or without i can gratify myself with someone or with a group with a guy or with a woman that is my choice but i do not think about saying your wrong and how u should live i do not say your weird because you spend way to much time at work and not with your children or hay the baby sister and the nanny knows your kid better than you do. oh its your carer. oh now your saying whats in any of my business and "AND WHO ARE YOU TO SAY" well thats all and every one have a great day ;-]]  

 

I am so hurt and feel unwanted - Michelle - Oct 18th 2010

I have been married for 17 years.  I love my husband very much but for most of our marriage we have had very little sex and I feel that there has been very little intimacy, hugs and all the things I feel I and most woman need in a good relationship.  Over the years I have talked to my husband about this many times and how badly I need more.  About 11 years ago when my step son moved in with us, I found that we were getting viruses on the computer and discovered that there were many porn site visited.  I was blaming his son for this and thought he might have been showing my young teenage son some of these site.  I began to take note on who was home, at what times and was checking the computer often till I got to the bottom of it.  It turns out that all along it was my husband who was visiting these sites and when I confronted him with it, he denied it for a very long time until I told him how I knew.  

Moving forward.  Recently my son passed away and lately I have noticed that my husband has been drinking more and after going places he doesn't come home when he says he will, he is alway later and often has been drinking too much.  He had begun to drink more before my son passed.

Just over a week ago I discovered that my husband had been spending a lot more time on the computer and I now know that he is visiting porn sites again.  I am not sure if it actually stopped from 11 years ago and he started up again or if he has continued it all along.  I really have not kept track until a week ago.  I can understand or would believe that this behaviour takes place most often with men who are turned down sexually by their wifes and they are searching for other ways to get their thrills.  The thing is, I don't turn him down, he never asks and doesn't show me affection hardly at all.  I have been blaming it on his lack of sleep.  Since my sons passing I really need those hugs and affection and they are just not there, I feel like rolling up in a ball and just want to die.  I lived for my son and now he is gone so I feel like I have very little to live for.  For years I have complained about his lack of sleep and how he needs to get more sleep and so on but he doesn't.  He has had two heart attacks in the last 5 years.  I had a big talk with him last week and he says he just doesn't think of sex and that he is really not interested and doesn't know why.  I went on again about his sleep.  He tells me he loves me, he gives me nice cards for my birthday that has all these nice words in them but I feel he doesn't show me he loves me.  Now that I know he has spent a lot of time on these sites, I am very puzzled to why he would do that if he says he is not interested in sex at all.  What is he doing on those sites and what would he be thinking when looking at those site.  He does it when I am in the house and even more when I am out to the house.  I have asked him to do certain things to help me out in regards to house stuff and he doesn't do anything but instead look at these porn sites.  He doesn't know that I know and If I tell him he will know that I have been checking up on him.  So I don't understand, if he loves me, and I am here and willing, why does he visit these site??????  This has been a terrible time for me loosing my son and now my husband is spending more time with other woman on the net instead of with me. I really don't believe he is having an affair but this makes me feel unwanted and like I am not good enough for him and in a way I feel he is cheating on me.    I am so hurt and feel like my pain from loosing my son is not important to him and I feel so alone even though I have many friends in my life.  I have lost trust in him and respect.  Looking at him kinda makes me sick and I have had a lot of trouble sleeping since my sons passing but now with this on top I might as well stay up till I fall down since I have more trouble sleeping.   When he comes to bed with me not wearing underwear, it grosses me out now and I don't want him sleeping with me naked knowing he is more interested in other woman on the net.  A male friend of mine told me it sounds like he is depressed but what would that have to do with visiting porn site???  What to do??   HELP!!!!!

Discussion? - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jul 28th 2010

Hi Monica,

I cannot direct you to the article you ask about because I am baffled as to which article it is. Perhaps, if you do a search here at Mental Help.Net?

Dr. Schwartz

Discussion with/Debra 9/22/09 - Article to follow - Monica - Jul 28th 2010

Dr Schawrtz,

Debra's comment in Sept 2009 is remarkably similar to mine. I'm interested in reading the article you referred to then. Can you direct me the right way?

Your responses and advise to comments are well thought and sincere. I look forward to reading more.

Monica

My wife and I enjoy watching porn together! - Tony - Jun 4th 2010

My wife and I have both had issues with faithfulness to each other in our marriage. She has problems obsessing with other men and has been unfaithful to me in the recent past. At that time I revealed to her that I had been having issues with pornography for the past two years. Although we almost had a divorce because of all this, we both love each other dearly. Currently we have been sharing more fantasies with each other. This has led to my wife being attracted to pornography herself. Now we very much enjoy watching it together. We work hard to share all of our sexual fantasies with each other so that there is nothing hidden. Some of this is hard due to our past histories, but outside of this pain due to past action it has been very enjoyable! Now I only watch porn with my wife and we only do it once or twice a month. My desire to watch it myself is barely existent as I am being fulfilled with my spouse.

Question- is this healthy? at what point is this behavior within marriage unhealthy?

Also, a big fantasy for both of us is to have a threesome with another girl. Should these types of mutual fantasies always stay just a fantasy?

Thanks!

feeling validated - married20years - May 26th 2010

I have read all of these comments from women and some men who are living in miserable marriages because of addiction to porn. Everything I hear I have experienced as well. I have also caught my husband surfing porn and dating websites. We had a happy marriage for almost 20 years until this all unfolded. It started with Facebook. Again, we have had a wonderful sex life and I have enjoyed satisfying him in any way he wishes. Now I have learned that my 22 year old son who lives with us also surfs porn. These are graphic sites with very young Asian women being degraded by large black men who are twice their size. I would like to have an open discussion with my husband and son about this but my husband says it is normal and I should leave it alone. Again, like so many of you, my husband blames me, calls me church lady and old lady, out of touch, living in the 1940's, mentally ill, good for nothing other then cooking...and so on. For the first time ever he is belittling me and making fun of me for being so devastated at what I have found. He was surfing on my work computer and I took it away because it belongs to my corporation and now he belittles me for taking it away. I was even suicidal and cried to him, sharing these thoughts. He made fun of me for that and told me he doesn't give a damn about my feelings. He spits in my face when he yells at me. I know that his colleagues at work and his family would be shocked at his behaviour. He is a respected executive. He says I am suspicious, insecure, jealous, old fashioned, a witch, a bitch and so on. Well, now it is time to leave. And I encourage all of you women to do the same. Only when men lose the ones they love due to their addictions will they seek the help they need. This is a huge problem in the world today. Porn devastates relationships and marriages. There is nothing GOOD about porn. And it is addictive and it escalates. We women can learn to live alone and develop a new kind of love and enlightenment. We don't need men like this in our lives. All we need is one or two very good friends. That's all. I encourage you all to do this. When you do, do it right. Seek out what you need. Open your own bank account and transfer funds to it over time. Be strategic and keep your mouth shut. Get a job. Put your kids in daycare. Research separation agreements and do your homework on what you need before seeing a lawyer. You don't need a divorce. Separation will do. Draft your own agreement first. Confide only in a counsellor or lawyer. Trust only your closest friend and ask him or her to be there when you take the kids and leave. Do this when your husband is not home. Then have him served immediately with a separation agreement that gets him out of the house so you can return to raie your kids there. If you ask your husband to leave he never will. You will have to do it and you will need to take your kids with you. You will recover and so will your kids. You will find joy again no matter what your age. You will. I promise. The alternative is years of misery. Finally, cary no bitterness, only relief. And wish your husband nothing but good health and healing. But don't ever let him back in.

Point of view from a Man who wants to be good - Rick - May 15th 2010

I have been married for many years and I love my wife very much.  She is beautiful, I love looking at her, and love being with her.  We are compatible in almost every way except one..sexual.

My wife has never had the sexual desire I have.  When we have had sex I make sure I please her and satisfy her I am good in bed.  Unfortunately over the past 10 years we have had sex one time...yes one time.  My wife told me about 10 years ago that she simply didn't have sexual desire, ut would make herself available to me when I wanted sex.  That hurt me deeply and frankly made me quite angry, but I hid it, and have simply accepted it.

I have turned to pronography, phone sex, internet sex, but have never cheated on my wife "real-time".  I constantly feel guilty, but have resigned myself to a sexless, yet loving marriage.  I suppose I should talk to my wife, but she always seemed to have no concept about the importance of sex to me.  I am very intuitive, she is not, so she has never seemed to pick up on subtle clues.

It would seem to me that a woman has responsibility in a marriage just like a man does.  The two people should work out some kind of sexual compromise so that needs are met.  Why is this so difficult for women, my wife.  This situation has made me miserable and mildly depressed.  I do not like the fact that I feel drawn to pornography.  I would love to only have sex with my wife.  I have almost resigned myself to go to hell becasue of this issue and just accept that I will never change.  Sad isn't it.

So, some sdvice for women.  Love your husbands, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.  Don't just think he doesn't want you anymore, if you don't like sex.  Maybe it is you, maybe you need to go to him and ask him how he feels about it.  Maybe, he is so ashamed and embarrassed he would welcome a conversation with you and appreciate your openness.  If you have a loving, caring marriage, but you do have sexual desire then you, ladies, need to do something about it.  DO NOT assume your husband is ok with it.  He may just not want to hurt you.

So there...the other side of the issue from a man who wants to be a good man, but has the passion and fire of a male.

Marriage and pornography - - May 14th 2010

I have been married for 35 yrs and discovered my husband had replaced me with pornography a few years ago. I pretty much lost it and almost divorced him but you can't make an emotional decision when one is angry. We are no longer sexually active and our relationship now is more platonic than anything else. I have discussed this with a few people, my pastor for one was able to emotionally help me deal with this issue. I feel my husband was unfaithful and I have forgiven him but no longer feel the sexual attraction that I use to feel for him. Some men can no longer perform sexually with their wives after viewing pornography over an extended period. A few women that I know of has had the same thing happen to them. I also consulted an attorney who told me that only physical contact with another women is illegal and grounds for a divorce, even though he admitted I had the upper hand in my situation. Monitoring his computer for pornography was a thought but I have not gone there. I think he is terrified that I will leave him but there is too much history within our marriage to just leave. So I have decided to stay. Not sure how long this will last-he swears he will never do this again but I just don't know.

 

 

 

To the other side of the coin... - - Apr 25th 2010

Reading your comment really touched my heart.  I hope your wife desires you as you desire her.

What if... - AnnaBanana - Feb 22nd 2010

I have a question, I have been married to a wonderful man and it has been 27 years.  We have two grown children 22 and 20.  We are both in our 50's.  My husband has always wanted sex more than me in our whole marriage, although we would work it out somehow.  Men are very visual.  They like to "see" sex.  I'm the one who showed my husband these porn sites on our laptop because I thought it was unbelievable!  Since then, he has wanted to watch it together.  We did for may be a couple of times, watched it together.  I became disinterested in watching it because it was very demeaning to women and I felt icky about it.  We did have GREAT sex after watching it though.  What does that mean????  Now, I have no interest in watching it but he does.  And I must also put in that he is on medication (paxil and a cholestrol medicine) that makes him not be able to finish what he starts....it's frustrating to him I know.  So night after night, we keep trying until it gets finished.  To me, this is torture as I said previously, my sex drive is not as "big" as his.  So, I do it anyway.  BUT, now, once a week, when we want to have sex, and he wants to make sure that he finishes what he starts, he HAS to watch the porn on the internet and I know about it.  I'm watching TV and he is on the internet sitting next to me watching it, and we go to bed.  The sex is good.  I love my husband dearly but I feel bad about him having to watch this stuff just to make sure that everything goes "right" in the bedroom.  I feel this is a physical problem on his part and should I just let it go???  Should I let him have his fun???  I don't know.  I get pissed about him watching it.  LIke I'm not good enough for him.  We fight about it... the only thing we fight about in our marriage.  It's a miracle that he hasn't left me or cheated on me because sex is the only thing we fight about.  I need some help.   

other side of the coin - - Feb 9th 2010

guess I'm on the wrong site, but it's no use - every time I search for "sex problems in marriage" I find the same thing - wives complaining about their husbands who are uninterested. I guess I feel bad for your guys, but honestly, I'm ready to take potassium nitrate to shut off my desire. and I'm not Tiger Woods or Steve Phillips here, I'm just a regular guy who would like to connect with his wife of 5 years once a week or so. so where is the help and support for supportive, romantic, fit, well-groomed husbands who cook, clean, and still desire their wives but are just not gettin' any? am I the only one?

It's Time To Do Me!!!! - BurningPain - Feb 5th 2010

If you are a woman and you came to this site, your husband must have been caught not viewing porn on the internet.  Well, that is how I discovered this site.  For all you woman that feel betrayed and cheated upon, begin to find happiness within yourselves, enjoy life, rekindle those lost relationships with old friends that you let go when you got married (male or female), because if you just sit around getting depressed about your new findings; you will continue to be depress a month from now when you find that your husband is still watching porn.  Are you going to accept and live with the fact that your husband is not going to STOP watching porn, how can you prove that he is not even thought he knows it's upsetting to you. The husbands out there have been doing this for years, and we need to wake up and stop feeling so betrayed and having thoughts of "am I not good enough". Yes I too found history on my husband's computer, personal lubricant and tissue in the desk drawer, was I hurt? I am devastated, but such is life, I will remain married but it's time "To Do Me!!!!"

Porn and men? - JC - Jan 30th 2010

Ive always been extremely open to watching Porn. Ive never held it back from my husband. He is in the military and there are times when its not possible for us to be together and I encurage him sexualy over the phone and I support him completely.

 Im not fond of watching porn myself because I am a women and I dont like seeing how some women degrade themselves on film. Saying that though I love watching Porn with my husband, its a great starter to get us losened up and able to take more risk with eachother.

Lately though porn has become a great issue with us. Im pregnant with our second child but yet im still early along so im not really showing. Me and my husband have always been very sexualy active together and now my husband is just uninterested in sex (so he says).

I stated noticing when I got online that there was porn on the history of the computer. Then my husband started leaving the personal lube by the computer with a box of tissues. I try having sex with him but he doesnt want it?

I told him that I feel betrayed and very hurt by his actions and Im trying not to judge him but its hard. He doesnt do this when Im gone either he does it while im home in the other room. He waits till he thinks im sleeping but Ive become so uncomfortable in the relationship that I cant sleep in are own bed.

 My husband said that he wasnt addicted to the porn and it was just a something of a boost to just get it done and over with. He didnt want the history to keep showing up on the computer so he started hooking his playstation to the internet and now he can watch it right on our television.

It doesnt help that I find the tissues and he still doesnt touch me. I purposly walked out on him in the act last night just to try to get him to talk to me. I wasnt mean I told him that Ive always been ok with him wanting to pleasure himself in privacy once in awhile but he's satisfying himself and mistreating me at the same time. I could understand if a husbands sexual demands were greater than his wives but thats not how it is in my marriage.

My husband said some really hurtful things last night and I know he didnt mean any of them, I think porn has become too easily atainable to men. Now instead of trying to communicate to me about his needs or admit in someway he has a problem my husband decides to try to make me feel like im the problem so he can have some sort of justification.

My husband did apologize and we both agreed to work on things but I dont know how not to ask him to chose between me and Porn. Other then this problem my marriage use to be happy and I tried to ask my husband how he views porn. Is it that he likes imagining being with the girl, is it just the in and out motion he likes viewing, or what about it get him hooked. He makes up some excuse not to answer questions though and I have to feel that he just feels guilty or embarrased about his actions.

 I dont know how to work with him through this without embarrasing us both further. Now I feel used when I do have sex with him because I can feel how unintersted in it he is and it hurts to think he wants to be masterbating to demeaning women on our couch instead of trying to satisfy me and himself together. Its hard to keep respect for him when he acts like this, whats worse is that Im losing my sexual interest in him and I sometimes feel dirty for acting in sexual activities with him.

Jan. 23 wife you are not alone. - Hurt and Sick - Jan 28th 2010

My husband saves pictures on the computer, goes to many porn sites and in his younger days was a photographer.  He seems to blame his photography hobby on why he insists on keeping scores of pix of women everywhere, is on kinky websites all the time but otherwise my marriage seemed beautiful.  Then I caught him "peeping" at me and my friends while he was outside in the dark looking at us.  When i got up to go outside to look, I saw him run.  There's so much more to this habit I just don't have the time to write.  But counseling is definitely in order for both of you whether you stay together or not.  I wouldn't want my husband to get worse and get in trouble.  We have a young child who doesn't deserve the drama he has caused our family.

my husband and porn - ladonna - Jan 27th 2010

I been married almost a year and my spouce is 38 who has never been married or in along term relationship. The question i have is what should we do ? He looks at porn only when i leave the house and i can tell he has done it so i ask him and he says yes and the answer i get is you dont understand i used to go to the topless bar all the time and i want to relive it by looking at porn.

I told him im sorry im not a 10 . I just had our son 3 mts ago and gaines 55 lbs and have 10 more to lose to get back to my pre pg size, Help what do i do? not to mention our baby weighed 11 lbs

The hurt wife - A wife - Jan 23rd 2010

I just made a post a few minutes ago but, wanted to add a little more to it.  I wanted to add that I do like having sex with my husband and from time to time we do watch porn together.  I think he knows his personal preference of which women he perfers to save to his laptop is wrong because last night when I wanted to show him som new pics I took of myself and put in his laptop he grabbed the laptop away from me and I asked why and he said because you don't trust me and that I am ruining the marriage by pushing him away.  The thing is I was telling him I put these photos on the laptop and I was trying to open the photo file he started kissing me and wanting to go have sex right then.  He never wants to do that kind of stuff.  Any how I am the messed up one because he apparently sees nothing wrong with what he does.  I have been trying really hard not to make a big dealout of the porn pics but, it truly hurts and bothers me that he sees no fault in what he does and I am always the one who is the problem with this issue.  He constantly avoids giving me a straight up answer why it's alright to save this younger looking fitter women.  Maybe I am the issue.  I told him I could go get counseling and he says I don't need to.  I guess I do need it though because this issue is truly bothering me and hey maybe I am the one with the problem. 

Diouraged and Hurt Wife - A Wife - Jan 23rd 2010

Hi, I am writing because I have been dealing with the porn issue with my husband of seven years.  I knew when we met he looked at porn magazines after all he said his mom started him on those when he was 14.  Initially early on in the marriage we did fight about the porn mags and movies but, eventually we got through.  He is in the militery and is gone alot so when he is gone I don't really have to think about what he is looking at because he is not there and I know he needs a release because after all he is a man.  I have heard all about men needing to release themselves and it's natural.  My latest issue with the porn battle popped up about six months ago and is really hurting me.  My husband likes to patrol he web on his laptop and download photos of younger girls and latin women showing off their goods.  The reason this hurts is because he saves certain photos on his laptop to ook at.  He once said it was not about the women showing off her parts but, the female parts itself is what gets men hot.  I don't buy it whwn I see what is on his laptop.  It bothers me further more because I took a bunch of pics of myself so he would have something to look at.  So the way I see it I am not good enough but, these other women are.  I have tried to talk to him again about this problem and I am told I have the problem and not him and he can leave if I want him too.  Why is he always so quick to want to leave?  Why does he think it is alright to look and save these certain photos of certain women?  It just hurts because I feel not good enough even though he says I am.  I know I should not be looking at his computer but, I can't help it because I fear he will just keep downloading other women, and he does and it just hurts more.  How do I get past this?

  

Monitoring Techniques - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jan 16th 2010

WinstonSmith,

"You really cannot expect sincerity, honesty and trustworthiness from someone if you base your relationship with him on prohibitions, bans ('you are not allowed to watch porn! Now, tell me honestly, will you watch it ever again?'), threats ('if you don´t stop watching porn, I will leave you') and monitoring techniques ('ah, now I have caught you again, you bad boy!')

Actually, that is well said and I have to agree with you. In addition, there is something incredibly adolescent about the entire thing. Yes, wives become the scolding mothers telling their son's they are doing something forbidden.

However, there is another dynamic here that must not be overlooked. Among the wives and girlfriends who disapprove of the pornography, are those who feel truly hurt and rejected by what their partners are doing in secrecy. At least some of these men seem to disregard the feelings their women are expressing.

In any case, I fully agree with the idea that spying and monitoring techniques are appalling. Maturity is needed on the part of both. Partners need to sit down and come to some mutual understanding about this thing.

By the way, I am only discussing the viewing of pornography and not that extra step that some men take to get in touch and interact with the women on these web sites. Then, we get into the areas of marital infidelity.

Allan Schwartz

monitoring techniques and trust - WinstonSmith - Jan 15th 2010

There may be many reasons why some husbands decide to watch porn in secrecy or in privacy, the understandable fear of their wives´ reaction can be one reason. I do not claim that watching porn in secrecy contributes to building trust in marriage, but I find it difficult to believe that sophisticated monitoring techniques can improve the trust in marriage. Moreover, I do not understand the reason for these monitoring techniques - if they reveal the sad truth that the husband has not given up his habit of watching porn, then the wives are afraid of bringing up the issue into discussions with their husbands because it would just reveal their secret monitoring techniques. This isn´t the  ideal way to establishing trust, is it? So the wives just monitor their husbands, keep the results of their monitoring secret and suffer even more...

In my opinion, the root of the problem lies in the fact that the spouses have different attitude to watching porn, which may be a very sensitive topic for both of them. Watching porn in secrecy can be a reaction (probably not the best reaction?) of the husband to this sensitive area full of possible conflicts and misunderstandings. Monitoring his habits in secrecy is one way how to discover what we really do not want to discover. In addition to this, it increases the suffering, conflicts and the area of possible misunderstandings without any positive impact on the trust issues.

You really cannot expect sincerity, honesty and trustworthiness from someone if you base your relationship with him on prohibitions, bans ("you are not allowed to watch porn! Now, tell me honestly, will you watch it ever again?"), threats ("if you don´t stop watching porn, I will leave you") and monitoring techniques ("ah, now I have caught you again, you bad boy!")

Monitoring Techniques - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Jan 14th 2010

Mr. WinstonSmith,

Your biting, sarcastic comment overlooks one important factor. Marriage is supposed to be based on mutual trust. Therefore, if a husband wants to look at pornography, why do it in secrecy?

Please do not misunderstand. I do not support husband's or wives using spyware against one another. Of course, once people set up an atmosphere of secrecy then anything is liable to happen.

Husband's and wives need to talk to one another about this and without anger, sarcasm and nastiness.

Dr. Schwartz

monitoring techniques - WinstonSmith - Jan 14th 2010

It seems to me that modern wives have developed much more effective forms of monitoring their husbands than FBI experts have ever dreamed of... George Orwell would be really proud of these new Big Sisters installing spyware into their husbands´ computers.

Dear husbands, be careful: Big Sister Is Watching YOU! Antiporn Thought police never sleeps!

porn/sex addiction? - - Jan 7th 2010

Write a 'short' comment? How is that possible with everyone I've just read. I too have a husband who views internet porn. A brief history...married 32 years. A very loving, caring man, extremely charming. He has not aged as well as I have. I love sex, and although it has become predictable (very natural at this stage), I'm smart to never criticize him for his lackluster performance or lazy nature. I still love him with as much passion as I did 32 years ago. A brief history. 2 children, grown now, 22 year old daughter and older son. Throughout our married I always had a suspicion that he was 'looking'. But he convinenced me that it was my insecurities and not real. I was being 'gaslighted'. Eventually your lies will be uncovered. It's only a matter of time. 5 years ago an anonymous person set me an email tell me my husband had been living a secret life for years. I confronted him and he admitted to having a few brief hookups.  2 years ago when he was out of town I went on his computer and found over 5 years of myspace, craigslist, facebook, attempts at meeting people. I left before he got home. He wanted to kill himself than live without me. For the next year we lived separately. Still in love. He always swearing he wasn't doing anything. I always caught him though, because I had installed spyware onto him computers and could monitor his activity on mine. Finally after therapy, filling for divorce he gave up weed, and women and I moved home. The problem is though that I still have to monitor him. The uncertainty and skill at which he lies is scary. I believe he loves me very much. Our sex life has never been better. However I notice that he does occasionally view porn when I'm out of town or he is. The type of porn is disturbing. It's very young, asian and white. Some of the girls look like they are 13. I also, as he does think child exploitation, is disturbing. I can't talk to him about what he is viewing because I would have to give up my ace in the hole and never be able to monitor him again. I've said that watching porn is ok as long as it's something that you feel comfortable sharing with your wife. The sex trade industry is unforgivable and I know that a lot of the girls on these sites are involved in it. Old men having sex with young girls! Right now I think the best thing to do is not actually look at the content of the sites, just be aware of any new patterns forming. I have fantasies too. Fantasies I would be uncomfortable sharing with him. I have felt sick sometimes when I think of them. My friends would surely leave me. That's the problem with fantasies. They can be very shameful, even if you would never want to act on them. I try to think now that as long as he doesn't have physical contact with other women, and our sex life and intimacy and caring is good, that I shouldn't expect to mold him into a perfect animal. It's naive and romantic school girl thinking.

wife of distant husband - - Dec 20th 2009

I do believe one person can ultimately be responsible for unhappiness in marriage.  After years of standing by my husband with his nine job losses, pornography, childish temper tantrums, disinterest in our family, and lying I'm giving up.  Slowly, over time and much sadness, I don't even attempt to engage in conversation, show physical affection, or react to his tantrums.  I am pretty persistent, have continued to work and raise kids through cancer twice with no support from my husband, but believed - "now he'll step up to the plate", but he never did.  I watched a grown man watch TV and play on the computer all day while his wife (me) went out to work while he was supposed to look for a job.  Typical - as I got on a plane to go to Sloan Kettering due to a recurrence of cancer, I asked him to please go home and spend some time with our youngest daughter - she was a little confused and insecure with all that was going on at the time - he didn't go home, "he went to dinner" and returned home three hours later - we live 15 minutes from the airport......Please rethink that it takes 2 to make an unhappy marriage.  Sometimes it takes 1 to make everyone unhappy, and sometimes that 1 does not want help or care.  Pornography contributes to a man's lack of interest in his wife, a loving and healthy sex life, and painful soul searching for his wife - I used to blame myself, but I was younger and hopeful.  I made changes to try and fix this problem that "we" had.  Well, I've seen a lot of life, and I am a little resentful that after all we've been through, I am at a place where I don't care about my husband and have given up.  Pornography contributes to gratification for a pretty self absorbed life style.

glad to find this website and forum-title, subject - Shyam shrestha - Dec 11th 2009

dear editor,friends

i am extremly glad to find this website, i wish i find it fewyears ago, but as i beleive everything happen at correct time. while visiting and searching this topic i found this great site and so happy for it, and since find this website since 2 hour ago, i was continuly visting this website to learn knowledge and information for this and other topic.

i am glad to join and write something here, acctually i want to overcome this bad habit, knowing we can do everything just need willpower, but it is always good to see, read and learn someone experience and tell, i don't know if this site is particulary for women, who suffer from their husband habit to surf porn, and i don't feel shame and shy to admit that i also visit this kind of site everyday, but not crazy for it, visit when i feel bore and while visiting some other good and useful information website.

i am not sure if i can totally left this habit, but surely will make very less and one day i will left this site as well as this world, sometime my wife complain about this, but i am helpless, i wish to find some male/men friend who really and totally overcome and left this habit, also request to all the female who are and capable to stop visiting thier husband, boyfriend this kind of website.

once again i thank for those who invent this website and give people oppertunity to visit and participate, share and tell their experience

thanks and regards

shyam

from kathmandu, nepal

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - debra - Dec 7th 2009

I am actually going through at this moment what is being discussed!! My husband is involved in porn, and acting out his wish list with the craigslist bad girls. I have read what emails he has sent etc. and his meeting up with them. He is also involved in dirty porn on the internet. so, dealing with porn, affairs etc. it is killing me. I decided to look at the LDS sites for help. If anyone can share how they dealt with this experience and their feelings and if they did or should continue to work through this stuff I would be greatful for the info. and support.  I love my husband but sad to say I feel like just let him have this life he has been living and move on just to save my sanity.  This has happened in the past and I just wanted to believe what he told me only to find out it is a lie. What would god have me do?????? When is enough, enough.? Honestly, are there any righteous men out there that would honor a temple marriage, spouse, family etc. or women to that matter? It just makes all the spiritual dreams that we had, like being sealed, he would even go to conference, church, read scriptures, pray daily only to be lieing to me.  I dont know what to believe anymore and inside at some point just feel if I was single I would never let a man hurt me again. My first 20 year marriage was the same. would like to hear from someone, a man that lived this life, I would like to here your point of view because I already know mine. email me at pretty.lady@gmx.com or wwjdctr8@yahoo.com I feel others input may help me to deal with all of this.

personal answers to the previous post - severin - Dec 3rd 2009

„To sum up my questions are:

1. Is porn normal in a relationship and is it healthy?
2. Does watching specific kind of porn like (swinging etc.) encrypts secret fantasies?
3. How can I accept this issue in my relationship and not band my boyfriend from his desires and his rights?“

People are different and their relationships and behaviour / attitudes to these things are even more different, so it  is impossible to say what is normal and what is not. I´d try to anwser your questions from my own perspective:

1.Watching porn can be acceptable in a relationship unless your partner uses porn INSTEAD OF having sex with you. In my opinion, porn is closer to fantasy and masturbation than to cheating. Reason: no other person is sharing my sexual arousal with me, none of the porn actresses knows that I exist, it  is impossible to share emotions with a movie... It is closer to fantasy, when somebody masturbates to a private fantasy in his/her mind it  is similar to the case when somebody uses visual stimulation via porn to make his imagination / fanstasy work... Imagine, if some unknown man made a photo of you and masturbated while looking at this photo – would you feel guilty? And if he slept with you in a real life, would you feel different? Your answers can illustrate the difference between porn and cheating. Another example – imagine that I have an extremely strong emotional reaction while watching some romantic film, does it mean that I have fallen in love with the actress in reality? Have I been emotionally unfaithful if my eyes are full of tears while watching Titanic movie?

2.Porn can be related to specific fantasies, but those fantasies does not mean that the person wants to act according to those fantasies also in real world. Many heterosexual women have lesbian fantasies or rape fantasies but in reality they would not like such sexual encounters. The same can be said about porn and the fantasies which it creates / inspires.

3.The best way how to accept porn (or secret erotic fantasies or dreams etc) is not to know about them too much. I´d recommend your boyfriend to keep his fantasies or porn „top secret“ without letting them disturb or hurt you. Of course, if I were you I would not try to discover the complete truth about his fantasies if he does not feel the need to reveal them.

I understand your worries, I don´t like the idea that my partner masturbates to some fantasies or porn involving images of other people, but I still think it  is not cheating and unless he refuses you sexually, it is not a problem which should spoil the relationship.

 

IS PORN WATCHING CONSIDERED ADULTRY? - Angel - Nov 27th 2009

I have a relationship for two years. Me and my boyfriend have very healthy sexual life full of passion and we are very satisfied to each other.

Although we argue for a lot of things we have achieved to live in a harmonic way and be very happy together. I was always aware that he is watching porn through the internet but I didn't realize that it was annoying me until I saw it for real accidently on his computer when I entered the house and I opened the PC. The poor idiot had forgotten the porn window open...

 

I felt that somebody else has interfered our sexual life. Although he supported that is a matter of press release, a matter of men and it has nothing to do with him desiring other women, he insists that it  only includes the idea of watching hard core sex which he doesn’t like in his real life, my wonder is if this has to do with secret fantasies of his?

Another issue that confuses me is that as porn is a sexual nature object but it does not consist physical contact on the other hand it has to do with turning on with watching other people f&(#@... In this case how is porn not considered a type of adultery? He supporths that porn is strongly related to masturbation and it is not a matter of wanting other people. Again although I understand his support on the other hand I do not feel 100% comfortable with it and I can't realize the excact reason.

To sum up, I trust him for what he supports and although he asked me to stop it if I want my answer was that although it is annoying me I canot demand to stop it becaus I do not want to pressure him.

To sum up my questions are:

1. Is porn normal in a relationship and is it healthy?
2. Does watching specific kind of porn like (swinging etc.) encrypts secret fantasies?
3. How can I accept this issue in my relationship and not band my boyfriend from his desires and his rights?

Double standards - confused - Nov 6th 2009

my husband,watches pornos, jacksoff to girly mag. But does not want me watching that stuff.he is so jelous that if i look at a man with his cloths on he would be yelling at me for days.   I dont understand this

different categories - severin - Oct 27th 2009

In my opinion there are several different categories of cases when men watch porn and these categories should not be mixed up because they have different reasons, character and consequences:

1.Men watching porn as a result of being refused by their unwilling partners. These men would prefer real sex with real partners and they can use porn just as a substitute, which they would give up happily if they had a sexually available partner. Their behaviour seem to be understandable and nobody has the right to condemn them.

2.Men watching porn with special activities (e.g. deviations, fetish, sm, group sex, lesbian scenes etc...) which they cannot or do not want to share with their long term partners for different possible reasons. 

3.Men watching porn because of the need to watch something which they are not "allowed" to have in their relationship - e.g. oral sex. To this category belong also men whose wives are not comfortable with nudity and who cannot see the bodies of their wives without being stressed by their discomfort or shame. This category is close to category 1. If somebody wants to see a woman´s naked body without having to beg for it and facing numerous refusals, I can understand it pretty well.

4.Men who have an active and satisfying sex life with their partners but who use porn as an addition. It can be understandable but also the frustration of their partners seems equally understandable because it is not a nice idea to know that my partner masturbates to the images of other people who make him sexually excited.

On the other hand, many people have sexual fantasies with other people, not just with their regular partners and porn can be viewed as a "visual aid" for their fantasies. Where is the difference between these two situations: a)  I just imagine a person XY (it can be a pop singer, actress, model, neighbour, colleague or an unknown person) in sexual activities and I masturbate to this fantasy. This is a natural sexual fantasy for many people, including women, I suppose.  b) I use the picture/video of this person XY to help my fantasy work because of my poor imagination. This is porn in many cases. Some people can percieve both cases a) and b) as innocent fun or natural thing and some people can percieve both a) and b) as a form of mental cheating. But I think that a) and b) can be viewed as something similar - whether we accept or refuse such activities which can manifest themselves in these two different ways. It is questionable whether honesty about these fantasies is always the best or if it can be extremely harmful. In some cases these activites should be kept secret and private without disturbing the partners who could feel hurt by it.

5. The last category includes the most dangerous threats for a relationship - there are men who prefer porn and refuse their partners, i.e. who do not use porn as an addition to their real sex life but who use porn instead of their sex life with their real life partners. The frustration of these partners is understandably at least as painful as the frustration resulting from cheating. These relationships can be viewed as dysfunctional and seriously damaged by porn habits.

Finally, there are men who do not use porn at all when they are in a committed relationship because they do not have any needs to do so or because they feel it would be unfair to their partners. They can be viewed as ideal partners in this matter by many women, but unfortunately many of these nice guys have a bad luck and they are captured in a sexually frustrating relationship / marriage with wives who do not care for their sexual needs and satisfaction.

Addictions - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Oct 16th 2009

Hello Lady E.,

Pornography does not make your six years of marriage a lie. Internet pornography has become a major problem because it is so very addictive. Do I mean addictive like drugs and alcohol? Yes, absolutely. It's impact on the brain is undeniable and, in that way, is very different from years ago when people would look at magazines with naked ladies. This is unbelievably graphic and, because of the way the brain works, it induces the flow of neurotransmitters to the pleasure centers of the brain resulting in very real addiction. You need to help your husband face these facts and do something about it. Perhaps marriage counseling can help but I rather think he needs therapy for himself and to know that he must stop.

 

Dr. Schwartz

My 6 years marriage Feels Like a Lie - Lady E - Oct 16th 2009

My husband and I have been marry for 6 years.  We have a 3 year old daughter and we have had some really great times.  We love each other very much, but the problem is his viewing of photography.

Prior to us getting marry, my husband use to suscribe to any porn magazine that is out there.  When I ask him why, well you know I am a photographer and those magazines give a lot of tips.  I guess I was in love so I didn't think anything more about it. I suggested, I will do some nude pictures for you, I taught it might help, but that didn't.  He threw away some boxes of magazines but hide a lot.  I also found out after we got marry, he had a dvds, tapes, I mean everything. 

When I got pregnant with our daughter, he promise me that he would get rid of everything. Well I am here today because nothing happen like he promise, maybe a few more went in the trash.  I actually found out that this was still a big problem when I went on his computer to do some work because my lab top was out. I went on there and I see over 50 porn videos downloaded.  Of course I started checking and checking and I am seeing more and more.  I got fustrated, crying and let him have it. He deleted the videos, but I know it is still a issue for him because he is always trying to justify his actions why he started looking again.

What is really hurful is the lies and I feel like he is cheating by looking at other women having sex and masturbating.  It really hurts and I am currently looking for a marrige counselor because right I cannot stand looking at my husband or making love to him.

I had similar problem years ago which ended up with my ex-fiance cheating on me.  We were in love, he was my first love and first real relationship.  He lived in Europe. It first started with him looking at porn online and telling me for us to have phone sex,  I should sent him stuff on the internet, but I didn't because I was uncomfortable.  After he watched all the porn, I guess he wanted to do what they were doing online so he went to a strip club and met a girl, cheated and that was it for me.  We went our seperate ways and I feel like I am heading back in the same direction.

Now I am really thinking are all men this way? or am I just finding these men? My husband do not want to wait that he have an addiction and it HURTS.  My daughter is so happy and everyone says that, and I really want her to be very happy even if it kills me.  I don't know what to do right now.  Please any suggestions, please email pfreeman503@gmail.com 

Thanks

One perspective - - Oct 9th 2009

From the above article: "Frankly, it is unclear why many men are drawn to pornographic materials when they have willing and available wives."

In my case, I cant call my wife "willing and available."  She lost interest in our love life some time ago.  Porn is the best replacement I can find while still staying faithful to my wife.

Just Married - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Sep 29th 2009

Hi Terri,

I want to express my regret about your cancer as well as my congratulations on the successful outcome of the surgery and treatment. That is terrific and I am very happy for you. Also, your new husband appears to be a great type of guy to not be put off by the scarring.

However, as it turns out, he views pornography. This is a major problems between men and women. I am including women who do not have scarring, women who are young as well as older and women who are old. I get E. Mails from all age  groups. It is baffling and I admit that. Why do men turn to pornograpy??

I am asking you and others to wait for me to compose my new article on this difficult issue. Please look for it within the  next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I really want to discourage you from giving up on your man and your new marriage. I am in no way justifying his behavior. But, I suspect that all of us  need to become more patient and understanding. There are reasons why this porno stuff is so addicting and those who sell this over the Internet are well aware of just how addicting it is. That is how they make their money. Even those men who do not start out paying for full entry into the sites become addicted just by viewing the photos and the short webcam portrayals of sex.

This junk should not be allowed to ruin anyone's marriage or relationship. When I write the article, I doubt that I will have a solution but I will try to shed more light on this.

It is my fondest wish that this stuff could be permanently barred from both the Internet and magazine racks. In my opinion, porno has NOTHING with first ammendment freedom of speech rights.

Dr. Schwartz

Just Married for the 2nd time - Terri - Sep 29th 2009

Dr. Schwartz,

I am a 48 year old second-time bride.  My new husband and I have four teenage children together.  We have been married  for less than two weeks.  I am a counselor by training, so I understand the potential for addicition with regard to pornography like any other mind-altering escape.  First, a little history... I met my husband while I was recently dianosed with Breast cancer.  He was a gem during my entire process.  I healed and was a candidate for reconstruction.  Sexuality to my surprise was not a problem and he accepted me openly despite the scarring.  After a year of dating I noticed that I was the one who was initating the love-making more frequently than him.  I discussed this with him, but we never fully resolved the problem.  Time with our children and other needs took precedence as with planning for our wedding. 

Imagine my surprise when I came home for a late lunch yesterday (one week after our wedding) and I caught him viewinig porn on the internet.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened.   I know this doesn't have as much to do with me as it does him, but it is impacting us in a big way.  I don't even want to view the wedding pictures right now because I can't put this in perspective quuite yet.  I know he doesn't view this as big of a deal as me.  He didn't dismiss his actions or get defensive, but I'm certain he would want me to forget about this and move on!  Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.  

 

Addiction - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Sep 22nd 2009

Debra,

You know your husband best and if you know that he wil deny the word "addiction" then do not use it. Instead, just let him know that you are trying to understand but it still hurts you. Advise him that, to avoid this coming between the two of you, you want to try marriage therapy with a good clinical psychologist or experienced clinical social worker. Anyway, whatever you think is best is the way to go. In the meanwhile, I will work on a new article.

Best of luck,

Allan Schwartz

Thank you - Debra - Sep 22nd 2009

Dr. Schwartz.  Thank you for your response.  I got the book by Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction.  It has been somewhat helpful but after reading it, my fear is that he will deny that he has an "addiction" and that he can handle it on his own, a classic response.  I look forward to your additional articles on this topic and appreciate any help you can afford.  

Newly Married - Allan N. Schwartz, PhD - Sep 18th 2009

Hi Deb,

Your husband continues to look at porn and masturbates but tells you it has nothing to do with you. He is correct. I never met you but I am absolutely certain that you are attractive, fit, healthy and sexy. I am also positive that your husband feels the same exact way. You see, this is his problem and has nothing to do with you.

Look for another article I will write on this difficult topic. Clearly, people want and need more information.

Pornography is very addictive and, like any addiction, the more you do it, the more you need to do it. In fact, just like drugs, you get used to watching it and then need to see more seedier types of things to get turned on.

I suggest psychotherapy for your husband and, perhaps, marriage therapy. He needs to start to understand that his addiction to pornography will eventually deplete his sexual energy for you, the real sexy thing. I am sure he does not want to suffer that depletion but it can happen.

Also, for some men (and I do not know him, of course) porno serves as some type of safety mechanism where they use it as a way of hiding from their spouse. Why? Perhaps he feel guilty about his "dirtier sexual thoughts," perhaps he has some performance anxiety, perhaps he fears you will judge him for his "dirtier" thoughts. He needs to know that his "dirty thoughts" are good thoughts (and so are yours) and that he can and should share them with you.

Dr. Schwartz

Trying to Cope - Debra - Sep 18th 2009

My husband and I have been married for less than 4 months after a 6 year long distant relationship.   I knew that he looked at porn but thought when were were married it would stop.  After all, I am ALWAYS a willing participant, I initiate love making as much as he does and we have a very close emotional and intimate connection. We are both very passionate lovers.  Unfortunately, I discovered that he is still not only viewing the sites, but he is also masturbating.  Viewing was bad enough, masturbating has sent me over the edge.  Understand please that my emotions are raw and I am trying to cope with this in a mature, dignified manner, but it's been very difficult.  He says is has nothing to do with me - that's it's him - but how can that be?  Am I not pretty enough, young enough, fit enough - what?  After reading this posts here, I know I am not alone in self-doubt.  I have all the same feelings and emotions all of you other ladies have so I know I'm not alone, I just don't know what to do about this problem.  When he says he loves me now, I am filled with doubts and I don't know what to do to help him.  When I asked him what I could do to help him, he said to just stay exactly the way I am. Really?  How is that going to help him.  Do I find out what his preference is and try to fulfill those fantasies?  Do I stay the way I am?  Do I stay?  Do I leave?  What, what, what?  Any constructive advise would be most appreciated.  No rants and raves please, my emotions can't take it.

Pornography & Masturbation - Ron Klimmek - Sep 13th 2009

 I've been married for 21 years. My wife & I love each other but there isn't any sexual desire. I view pornography and masturabate . I enjoy my fantasies very much and I'm very discrete about what I do. Is this cheating or a form of cheating ?

                                       Ron K.

Insecurity and both genders - Confused Human - Sep 12th 2009

I guess my first comment, in the interest of full disclosure, is that I am a guy. Also, please excuse any typos. What I find completely mystifying, is the level of outrage shown by spouses of either sex to the very notion, to say nothing of the action, of their partner viewing "pornography".

Everything I have read in this comment thread seems to converge on the ultimate reality that one spouse is insecure with themselves, and rather than dealing with the issues at the heart of the insecurity, they instead seek to control their partners behavior. This allows them to avoid the uncomfortable process of having to deal with the insecurities and why they are happening.

Part of what makes us an intelligent tool using species, is an inate curiosity. Something that is forbidden, impossible, out of reach, simply becomes that much more enticing. Eventually, the viewer gives in, views the forbidden imagery and recieves positive feedback in the form of the bodies natural reaction to sexually charged imagery, and the rush of viewing something that is naughty. 

I also can't help but note that many of the relationships described here, seem to be based on something other than genuine love. Love, real love, is unconditional. If a husband looking at some smut online is a deal breaker, perhaps the relationship was not solid or healthy to begin with.

furious - - Sep 8th 2009

My husband has been acting funny and distant. You dont want to think he is cheating but your gut is saying something is wrong. There are password locks on the cell phone and endless hours on the internet. I go with my gut to find porn on the computer. I ask him and he says there is nothing wrong with it and men are weak. Why is it that woman have to constantly be the strong one, the understanding one, THE ROCK!!! THis is the new adultry and betrayal. and what does this lead to. Technology has opened to door to so many things that were not as easily available before. Everything now has a name or is an addiction that we all are supposed to forgive and understand. But I cant, i cant erase the images in my head, but it goes beyond that with pain, anger, revenge, and the feelings of not being enough no matter how you do it or how many times you do it. I dont know how to get past it or what to do.

angry and embarrassed - - Aug 31st 2009

I have caught my husband several times.  Not in the act itself but by accident when downloading something or by just questioning.  I encourage him to talk about it to help me understand but he is not very willing to do so.  I never really cared if he did it while I'm out of town but last night I found out he was watching it when I was upstairs in my own house.  I tried to have sex with him for 3 days including last night.  No matter what the male reader below says, it is in women's nature to take it personally and to ask the question, "What the hell is wrong with me?"  What James says below sounds like a cop out, an excuse.  It's in men's biological nature to seek out young fertile women to carry on his seed.  Wel, it's a societal norm to mate with one person for life.  So, do we just excuse this biological need and continue to be the nurting caregivers that is our biological instinct?  Why do women have to be responsible for the compromise?  Because of our giving nature?  NO!  Every time he does this when I'm in the house, it hurts more and more.  It's disrepectful.  It fills me with grief and hurt and anger.  Apparently, that ability to feel and ache is in a woman's nature.  Men can say all they want that it's not personal and has nothing to do with their mate but they need to understand that it is natural for women to take it personally.   It hurts. 

want some opinions - anonymous - Jul 23rd 2009

my husband and i have been married for around three years now.  i've known him for five.  everything was wonderful to begin with. he wore his christianity on his sleeve and that was one of the reasons i fell in love with him. he had to leave for basic and when he came home we started arguing. i checked his phone and found search words such as "teen porn", "p*****", "t***","babes nude", "babes nude free". he responded by saying his phone had been stolen while away and someone else searched those terms. the "babes nude free" was what didn't fit. why would a criminal care if something was free. from that point on i haven't been happy. its happened about 6 times that i know about since we've been married. its always when he's not with me. never in our house. when i ask him about it. he lies. then when i support it with evidence he tells the truth to an extent. he somewhat comes clean. half truths. this last time he told me that he was molested as a child and has looked at it since puberty. should that be a consideration? to me its not an excuse. hes a grown man that is lusting after other women and lying to me about it. ive decided if it happens again im divorcing him.no apologies accepted. he says its not lusting. i dont understand. says he doesnt know why he does it. and that he wont do it again. which ive heard before. any advice? is teen porn even more disturbing than just porn?

Look a little deeper - James - Jul 13th 2009

A couple thoughts.  The first is that there are genetic and biological reasons why men are sexually designed in the way that they are.  You can say that men should be more enlightened and modern but a few million years of biological conditioning is a powerful thing.  The genes that were passed on were passed on by men who chose fertile women.  Men who were able to sleep with more women passed on more genes.  Likewise for women choosing men who would be good providers for their children.  It can seem that we are so far away from those times in our modern society but you only need to travel to a third world country where many people are barely getting by to see the reality of how this plays out.  

So of course most men are going to be stimulated by young (fertile) attractive available women.  It doesn't mean they are going to act on it but for most the attraction will be there.  

What has changed is that the internet has made millions of images and videos of attractive apparently sexually available women easily available.  This is part of what has caused the problem.  It is so easy for a man to engage in pseudo sex and fantasy with a harem of online women without having to put up vast sums of money or deal with the reality of a relationship with a woman.  Too much of a good thing can become a curse as any man with an addiction to online porn would admit in an honest moment.

The second problem is that as men most of us are socialized to avoid intimacy, vulnerability, expressing our emotions, and communicating clearly and routinely.  Without these qualities we avoid a sustained intimate relationship in order to safeguard ourselves.  It's f*&ked up but true.  That's why a guy can be with a beautiful sexy woman and still be j*&#king off in the bathroom by himself.  It's not that he doesn't find her attractive, it's that he's programmed to avoid the intimacy, emotional vulnerability and open communication that come along with putting all of himself into a real relationship.  

So if you want your man to stop looking at online porn I have a few suggestions for you.

1) Stop making his porn habit something that is a personal reflection on you.  It's not and you thinking that it is all about how he feels about you contributes to a lot of drama and defensiveness and secretiveness on his part.  You are not causing that response on his part, that is his responsibility but your behavior makes that response more likely.  His porn habit is a reflection on his biological programming, modern technological advances, and his stunted emotional development.  This doesn't mean you should stay with him. It just means that you recognize that he's probably not doing it as a personal insult to you.  It's bigger than that.

2) Try and channel his energy into healthier, more fulfilling, more emotionally connected pursuits.  Not just sexual pursuits but life pursuits.  Boredom, lack of satisfaction with life overall, emotional stunted relationships all contribute to the overuse of the quick fix of endorphins that comes from an online orgasm.  The more your man creates a more fulfilled life for himself the better partner he will be and the less he will be drawn into the dark world of pixel porn.

3) Encourage your man to become more emotionally developed.  If he's willing to put in the work he will get the results.  Don't make it just about him quitting online porn.  There is more to his porn behavior than simply stopping clicking on xxx.com.  Have him join a men's group, get into counseling, or do something to grow up emotionally.

4) Follow steps 2 and 3 yourself.  It will make you stronger to either be with your man more fully or to leave him with more comfort if that is what you choose to do.

I wish you all well.  I guess this is part of our modern world and journey to being fuller and more complete human beings.

Best,

James

Particular Flavor indeed.... - - Jul 10th 2009

I can relate.  My man's particular flavor is very young looking asian girls.  They're probably over 21 but are made up to look like very young innocent teenagers, mostly subservient and voyeurism videos.  How do you think I feel when we're around a bunch of young asian girls????  I'm always wondering what he's thinking.  I get sooo disgusted!

They never think it's their fault.  My man told me that maybe I should get counseling to help me deal with this, because as you say, they think it's us that has the problem.  What he does in private is his right and his business, not mind.  Why am I meddling, why am I looking to catch him, why am I even wondering what he's doing on his computer???  And I will not be fooled anymore.  When he tells you he loves you, don't want to lose you and will stop??? That's crap.  All that means is that he'll hide it better, cover his tracks, and thinks he's fooling me.  How can they NOT see how that makes us feel???  And, he has the nerve to get mad at me because I'm not affectionate???  Because I'm cold to him????  And you know..... I did once... offer that maybe we should view porn together.  He said no.  I asked why not, and he said NO.  I agree with some people who say that porn can be good for  and enhance their sexual relationship.  Two adults enjoying watching porn of other adults, I agree can be a turn on, but it's that "particular flavor" that I have a problem with, like between family members or young girls, bordering child pornography!  I have a teenage daughter!  He has young teenage granddaughters!

Locked.... continues - - Jul 10th 2009

After a huge fight about locking his computer, he now has it unlocked and on most of the day.  Good news right???  Well, after some suspicious behavior over an internet aircard that we use only for traveling, i decided to check the aircard billing.  We hadn't traveled in the last 2 months and there was no need for use of the aircard because we have highspeen at home, but yep, there it was.  I have class twice a week and dance performances on Fridays, and for the last 2 months, every class and dance night the aircard was used to connect to the internet on his laptop.  He has taken the joy out of my dance classes and performances, because every time I leave the house now, that's all I can think about. He was supposed to go to exercise class while I was at dance.  Oh, yeah, bad knees, bad back.  You don't need use your knees and back to view porn. He keeps his home computer open to show he has nothing to hide, but now he uses his laptop to view porn.  I haven't confronted him yet, and I'm sure he'll deny it, and I'm sure he'll say it's none of my business. That huge fight we had was at the Vegas airport and i almost didn't take the flight out.  I told him we were at stalemate and I guess my two choices were, either accept it for what it is, or leave.  He said, well, I guess you shouldn't fly home then.  So the message is clear, take it or leave it.    A few weeks after that when he was upset because I wasn't being affectionate and intimate with him. I told him, you know, you want me to accept your behavior, but you don't want to accept my reaction to your behavior????   He said....why can't you just love me unconditionally?????  I don't know. Is that what unconditional love means??  If I really really loved him, am I supposed to accept this???  On the other hand, if he really really loves me, why isn't he willing to change his behavior?  Anyway, I think I've finally accepted that it's better that I just get out of this situation.  Maybe he'll find someone that will love him unconditionally. 

The particular flavour - - Jul 4th 2009

I have been married to my husband for about 20 years now.  We have had our ups and downs, but mostly we have pulled together when it was really needed as far as day to day living is concerned.

My pain comes from the particular type of porn he prefers.  It is stories about sex between family members.  I asked him years ago to get rid of it, and thought he did.  Unknown to me, he hoarded it somewhere else and I only discovered it again when he accidently left it lying underneath the bed.  The fact that he hides it from me, tells me that he knows that it is not acceptable.  

For the past 6 years I have been living in fear, wondering if he was going to try and act out on those fantasies with our children.  Staying with him seemed the better option, because at least I would be around to see the interaction between him and our kids.  Dont get me wrong, he is a wonderful father in so many respects, and I do feel I would have done the kids a great injustice to block access from him if we did divorce all those years ago.

About 14 years ago, I did consider divorcing him, but he begged and asked me to stay.  We tried again, and at one stage (absolute madness, I know) we had a 3-some relationship going.  I stopped it after a bit, because it felt demeaning and was tearing me apart emotionally.  Since then, as far as I know, there has been no affairs - just this particular type of porn.

He does not see it as a problem, won't get help.  Tells me I am the one with the problem.  I know from past experience that I am a warm, loving and sexually giving person, but now I feel like ice inside.  I crave affection, and know this could get me into a lot of undesirable relationships if I let it.  

fantacy nightmare - mischelle - May 8th 2009

hey am mischelle.. and..well am engaged to this guy.both of us are virgins.and in our culture its like u should not have sex till getting married.anyways, til now wer'e following it,but a bit easier coz its a long distance relationship.hes living with his family and am with mine.we talk on internet a lot, and hes very open and honest with me as far as i know.hes too open and honest with me ,that he fills me up with all his fantacies ,like me on the bed with so many other girls.and he watches porn,but hes open about that too.thing is,hes open and honest,that am scared to tell him,that he watching porn or his fantacies are freaking me out.because if i tell him that,hel'l stop being open to me,and dont know what might happen then.so i play along with him when he says all those stuff ,and it makes me feel suffocated.i enjoy when he talk about sex with me a lot,but hate it and freaks me out with the fantacies.

not only that, he keeps asking me,whether after marrige, whether ill  come to strip clubs with him,and u know whetehr ill let him feel a stripper.i dont know what to say.when i tell him am not ok with it,he sounds soo dissapointed ,that it freaks me to wits.i dont know whether this is normal or abnormal.i cant tell my parents about this,and i love him soo much, that am scared this might end our relationship.

so anyone please comment on this and tell me, is my fiance being a normal guy or whetehr its abnormal.any comment would be greatly appreciated.

 

porn watcher - - May 6th 2009

i am one of the guys who was caught on the internet.  i was having an online fantasy.  i didnt think it was a big deal. i was even trading emails with an escort.  i had no intentions, i was just having fun.  he caught me and left.  i was devastated.  but...after really working on it, i can see  how it would hurt. to think that someone you loves is looking for something else, even if that isnt ACTUALLY the case.  but i also realized that i was escaping.  hiding.  and doing it because i felt badly about myself.  one mans harmless behavior is another rechkless disregard for a relationship.  but i was dealing with a lot more than i realized, and it didnt have all that much to do with porn. and so i tried to figure out why.  and it ended up to be so many more reasons than just a hot guy on the internet.  you need to examine yourself, and you need to TALK to the person you love, and find out what the hell is happening.  anger is often misplaced, and things can be worked out.  this isnt easy, and you can only do it if you are willing to try.  i cant say that i will never go online again.  i mean, i dont want to, but i know that if i did, it would be falling into the same bad habits that i brought me there the first time.  so, i think of better ways to spend my time.  

porn watcher - - May 5th 2009

i am one of the guys who was caught on the internet.  i was having an online fantasy.  i didnt think it was a big deal. i was even trading emails with an escort.  i had no intentions, i was just having fun.  he caught me and left.  i was devastated.  but...after really working on it, i can see  how it would hurt. to think that someone you loves is looking for something else, even if that isnt ACTUALLY the case.  but i also realized that i was escaping.  hiding.  and doing it because i felt badly about myself.  one mans harmless behavior is another rechkless disregard for a relationship.  but i was dealing with a lot more than i realized, and it didnt have all that much to do with porn. and so i tried to figure out why.  and it ended up to be so many more reasons than just a hot guy on the internet.  you need to examine yourself, and you need to TALK to the person you love, and find out what the hell is happening.  anger is often misplaced, and things can be worked out.  this isnt easy, and you can only do it if you are willing to try.  i cant say that i will never go online again.  i mean, i dont want to, but i know that if i did, it would be falling into the same bad habits that i brought me there the first time.  so, i think of better ways to spend my time.  

Confused - Olive - Apr 27th 2009

I've been w/ my husband almost 19 years and 2 weeks ago I would have said confidently that my husband doesn't look at porn.  However, I recently discovered the trend of sexting and my husband receives and sends photos of naked women amoung his set.  I was shocked and disappointed.  We've discussed it openly since.  After finding the photos I was somewhat hurt, confused, feel a little betrayed and felt dirty.  I kept wondering about the times we were intimate, if he visualized those women or if that's secretly what he wants.  I told him I have no problem leaving the marriage if he feels I am no longer "enough" for him or if I feel like I have to compete w/ those women.  We have 4 amazing children and although we are busy w/ our careers, children and family obligations I thought he was happy w/ me.  I take care of myself, exercise regularly, run 10 miles a week, watch what I eat, doll myself up, buy sexy lingerie and am always open to new experiences.  I'm just baffled.  I enjoy looking good and although I tell myself I have done what I can to keep my husband happy, he still resorted to these women.  I don't have big breasts, I have stretch marks and my stomach has a little pouch regardless of how many crunches I do, yet I have a slight athletic build.  I know my husband loves me and our children.  He told me it's a "guy" thing and I don't agree w/ that.  I think a man chooses to look at porn.  I've always been happy w/ my husband, regardless of the come-on's I get, some men flirt and I've been propositioned a time or two but I've always been faithful, and I've never felt the need to look at porn.  Now, I wonder, "what else does my husband dabble in?"  I never questioned his faithfulness but I wonder now.  I don't know who to ask for advice, or what to think now.       

When the cats away the mice will play - - Apr 14th 2009

Porn unravels a marriage. My husband travels and I always noticed that he would have semen in his under wear....but only when he came back from out of town. Turns out he has had a porn addiction for over 30 years. I haven't been married to him that long. He finally admitted it and said he would renounce this. Who knows if he really will, but I can say that it has almost destroyed our marriage. When I make love, I wonder which porn star I am for the night. You wonder if he has carried this to a prostitution level. Does he view porn on his office computer? He has ruined his other marriages over this. When I am with him, he ogles other women in front of me. I hate this. It is so demeaning to me. Pornography objectifies women and yet this guy has 3 young daughters. How sad. Porn is so insidious to any relationship and one thing leads to another. I'm sure that there is the visiting of titty bars, an hour hear and there for prostitution etc,etc. You really never know what you have....but I think these guys are hooked for good, need more and more  stimulation, and they really are living their personal hell because a good relationship never comes from filth. I could do so much for him but I don't any more. He isn't worth it. If he changes that would be great, I will forgive...Continue and he'll be an unhappy man.

sometimes it's necessary for both of us - - Apr 12th 2009

I honestly don't mind that my husband looks at pornography.  I've talked to him about what he finds exciting and why.  I look at it as well from time to time, and our preferences are different.  It doesn't spoil our sex life.  I discuss masturbtion with him as well.  We have busy schedules, and sometimes it's necessary for both of us, when we can't just go and have sex. 

Locks - - Mar 29th 2009

I agree, locking the computer only makes it easier for him to hide whatever it is he feels he needs to keep private.  Of course he's claiming that it's because he thinks someone is trying to monitor or hack into his computer.  Me, particularly, and me having to swear to God that it's not me.  That was very hurtful, but a clever tactic on his end, putting me on the defensive, and giving him a reason to lock his computer.  Not only does he lock his computer now, but he always, always, shuts it down when he walks away from it.   To give him his privacy I've agreed to never ever touch his computer.  I've separated my personal files from his, now we don't even share a file cabinet.  So, yes, what does this say for our relationship??  I know it's something we need to talk about, but now, everytime we talk, it turns very ugly.  This relationship has brought out an ugly side of me I never even knew I had, and was never displayed in ANY of my past relationship.  Granted, I did periodically checked the internet sites, checked the temp files and history to see if he was viewing porn.  But it was also my way of ensuring that he was keeping his word.  Then after time has passed, and I found no evidence of porn, I would eventually relax and think...ok, we're on the right track, he's keeping his promise, and I would stop looking.  Then, something would happen, like me coming home early one day and then finding him quickly leaving the computer room acting very strange and guilty, and bam!  Sure enough, he didn't even have time to clear history, it was all there.  So, 2 steps forward 10 steps back, the trust factor is now back to 0.  And, he how about this??? He is angry at me for coming home early to "catch" him.  How ludicrous is that!  He's angry that I check the computer.  He's angry that I "look" for things.  If I don't look then I won't find anything to be upset about.  Maybe he's right.   He claims that he understands that it has hurt me, and that he's sorry that it has hurt me.  He does not believe that it is wrong.  Once he said that he would stop because he didn't want to lose me.  So, you're right, his attempt to stop was for me, not because he thought it was wrong or disrespectful to me or our relationship.  He also has an "ignorance is bliss" or "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude and if he gets caught, man he'll throw everything at me, so before you know it, we're arguing about everything else under the sun, and of course it's my fault.  Sorry, I'm just venting right now.  I guess this is where therapy comes in????

 

 

pornography poison - kathy - Mar 26th 2009

I don't know about this locking the computer thing.  When two people are married, there are no locks! Just my opinion.  But, given your circumstances, I might insist on therapy and a "no locks" rule.  Why make it easier for him to do this?  Do you both agree on the morality of it?  It doesn't sound like it.  But, I think every married couple has to agree that it either is, or isn't, appropriate for them.  Even so, if he agreed that it is wrong to do this and promised that he wouldn't in the future (setting him up to be a liar later), he misses the point if he is doing it FOR you.  He needs to do it for himself, because HE believes it is disrespectful of you.  Just like an alcoholic -- they need to recognize the problem, take ownership, want to stop, and believe it is a poison.  Some couples agree that is isn't wrong as long as they engage in this act together.  Some couples don't care either way.  There is a spectrum out there.  I, unfortunately, have some intimate experience with this subject myself.  My husband still wants to have sex with me.  But, I am just so offended....he has shown me that he is pretty good at getting it elsewhere, so have at it. People have always told me that this is what happens, the stuff I am reading here--the intimacy between the couple diminishes.  Or, if they engage together, it becomes a necessary precursor to intimacy.  They were right.  And, these "porn stars"/whores never age; they are stuck at 20 yrs old forever in that video, photo, whatever.  Everyone ages.  Women and men alike.  I'd venture to guess that 99% of these men drooling over porn aren't suitable for porn videos themselves, so this is one hell of a double standard they have. I'm not insecure; I believe I still look good and at one point a few years ago REALLY good.  But, I know this physical appearance is very short-promised, so it is unacceptable in my marriage.  I need my husband's eyes and expectations to age with me.  And, I can't have a hundred women (in his mind) in my bed every night.  For me, it would be grounds for divorce too. 

I had this therapist tell me that I am lucky because this is a mainstream problem, garden variety porn, etc.  Whatever.  Some counselors aren't very good, I suppose.  I don't want to be a part of mainstream then, with its high divorce rate.  It's not for me. 

Pornography - Allan N Schwartz - Mar 26th 2009

Hi,

Only you can know what is best for you and your children. If moving out is the only solution that makes sense under the circumstances you describe, then do so and move closer to family and friends.

I understand what you are saying about his denying that this is a problem and that "it is a male thing." He does not seem to understand that this is NOT a male thing and he is failing to understand why you would feel hurt and outraged. In addition, he seems to not understand that attempting to hide this pornograpy viewing attacks your ability to have trust in him.

However, considering all the sacrifices you made for this relationship, if you want to make one last attempt at this relationship, you could tell him directly that the only way to save it is to enter marriage therapy. Point out that this is a problem for BOTH of you and that, if it is not resolved, you will leave him. If he refuses to understand this, then collect your things and your children and move out.

Even more than the issue of pornography is the issue of trust and dignity. You feel hurt by his behavior and his attempts at secrecy make you distrust him not to mention that the pornography is undignified and disrespectful to you and the children.

Ultimately, I do not blame you for forgetting about therapy and leaving him now considering the disappointment and hurt you feel.

Good Luck, Dr. Schwartz

Psychotherapy - - Mar 26th 2009

Dr. Schwartz,

 You are correct, there are other problems in the relationship, all of which I've been willing to work out and deal with, because he made me feel very special and loved.  We were very intimate, and that intimacy is what carried us through the very rough areas.  When this issue with porn came up, and after seeing all the various websites, some bordering on child pornography, and voyeurism, it just made me so sick and angry.  Again, not just dabbling, and not just a few times, but very often and many many sites, videos, sometimes for hours, right after I've left the house until just before I get home.  I wondered why he asked me to call him when I was heading home, and now I know why.  It's not as often now after all our arguments over it but everytime I see him on the computer, or everytime I leave the house, I wonder.  I'm suspicious all the time.  His computer is in an area where his screen it is somewhat hidden and I have to actually walk up behind him to see is screen and so everytime he's on the computer, I'm always wondering.  Psychotherapy is a great idea perhaps, but how does that work if he believes that the issue is me and not him???  He insists that this should not affect our relationship at all, that it means nothing, and yes, maybe "I" need to seek help.  The attitude is that it's a male thing and should be accepted as such.  How can men not see how this makes women feel?  All those websites of very young girls, he has young granddaughters and I have a teenage daughter, it makes me ill.  He was very good about cleaning out the computer, but then months later I found CD's and a usb drive with tons and tons of videos and pictures.  This was after he promised to stop.  So, yes, I am very angry and what makes me even angrier, is that he's put me in a position where "I" have to make a decision on whether to stay or leave the relationship.  I told him, had I known of this before I sold house and lot basically, to move in with him, I certain would not have.  So, this is not something I was aware of and still moved in with him.  I moved away from family, to a whole different state, gave up ALOT to be with someone who I felt I was very special to.  As much as I try to work through it.... I keep regressing.   Now he has passcoded his computer because he says that someone tried to hack in, or even worse, he thought I installed some kind of software to monitor him, which is NOT true, but he insists that is why his computer is locked.  Maybe he genuinely believes that, but how convenient is that? 

He tries to be so nice and affectionate, but I just can't get past this.  How does someone recover from this?  Especially when you know for a fact, that it's still going on??  Okay, I don't know for a fact, but I suspect it... all the time.

What happened? - Allan N Schwartz - Mar 25th 2009

I want to encourage the two of you to seek couples psychotherapy in the hope of reparing your relationship. I can understand your disapproving of his use of pornography and I can understand your anger at him about this but there is more going on for the two of you than is apparent on the surface. By every measure, it seems as though this relationship should be able to withstand anger over pornography. I hope the two of you enter therapy together and try to work through this issue before giving up.

Dr. Schwartz

Tortured Brad - - Mar 25th 2009

I'm sorry, but I had a very passionate and loving sex life with my partner.  In fact, he is the one who taught me to enjoy my sexuality and brought me out of my shell.  I couldn't get enough of him, or he of me.  What happened????  Now, we're probably in a viscous circle. He got caught with porn, I can't stand to have him touch me, so now he views porn even more, and I can't stand to have him touch me more!  Now we live in a pretense.  He claims he doesn't anymore, which even if I did believe him, it's too late. Damage to the relationship has been done.

slowly destroying our relationship - - Mar 25th 2009

I made major changes in my life and a lot of sacrafices to be with the love of my life only to discover this issue with porn.  We've had many many heated discussions and arguments over this issue which contrary to his thinking that this should in no way affect our relationship and the way he feels about me, it HAS.  Unfortunately to the point I don't think I can fully recover.  It's been a slow kill and I can honestly say that this has greatly affected how I feel about him.  Oh, I still try.  I try to cuddle and we have many good days, but it's very hard to be loving or to make love or have sex.  In fact, we barely make love anymore.  Now, there always suspicions, paranoia, mistrusts.  It really has taken the love out of our sails. I don't know how to get it back and even scarier or sadder, I don't know if I want to.  This has become the core of our many problems and we've become very ugly, nasty and disrespectul to each other.  How do you recover from something like this?

Even Unmarried Couples Suffer from This - DontUnderstandY - Mar 11th 2009

I m in a 16 year relationship with my partner, we raised two daughters together, we have a 16 year old  female in the household.  I accidentally found the porn on my partners computer while updating the software and cleaning off the system, per their request for them.  At first I was confused that maybe it was becasue of the casino sites they go to that have the porn ads on them.  Then when I noticed the time of day and the amount of sites left in the Temporary file folder on the computer I became concerned.  See it is not just adult sites they are visiting, it is also teen porn sites.  I m 26 years younger than my partner and am not shy about wanting sex , being naked or lack the ability to give and  I find it very disturbing that this person has resorted to looking at online sex.  I want sex, have even asked for it, but am told by my partner that they are getting older and grumpier and hell,"he does not seem interested in me" anymore.  So I m looking to either confront my partner (not wanting to embarrase them) but to find out what is going on, why can't we be intimate, I m up for change in the bedroom and or positions.  Why is on-line porn their answer to what they are not getting??

I am not angry just sad over their choice in this matter.

Confused!!! - - Feb 14th 2009

I was molested as a child by my uncle.  You hear about this all the time and you wonder how someone can't remember until years later.  Well it happens!  Yes I am a very reserved person...I know that I have problems expressing my sexual emotions with my husband.  I have been married for over 31 years and our sex life has suffered because of what happened to me but....it is not my fault that my husband has turned to internet porn.  It has gotten so bad that I am sick at my stomach all the time and when we have sex I don't really want to because I don't know if he is think of me or the women he has looked at.  He has ED but refuses to go to the doctor for it to get help.  For years I would only have sex with me on my back and him on top of me. Never would I have oral sex....that was gross.  I think I have come a long way because since he has ED that is the only way we have sex.  I have asked him to get help and again refuse's to.  I think he has gone to internet porn because of the ED.  He doesn't feel he can satisfy me and says he loves me more than life itself and I know he does so why won't he get help?  We have children and a beautiful home but both of us are so unhappy that it has cause several other problems.  He seems to want to fight about something all the time.  When things seem to be going good and no fighting he will come up with something to start a fight.  When I refuse to fight about whatever it is that he wants to fight about that just makes him mader.  What is a girl to do?  He claims I always put other peoples needs above his and yes I do sometimes but isn't that what he is doing when he turns to porn.  He is putting his sexual desires above my desires.  I have tried to get him to go to a marriage counslor but will not.  It doesn't matter what I say or what I suggest he will not get help!

years have eroded any possibility - - Feb 14th 2009

I no longer love my husband.  I want out and cannot seem to get out.  Now what.  If you want out go early don't wait until your kids are grown and you have been married 44 years and unhappy.  Have lost all joy.  Go now.

his own private sex life - - Jan 30th 2009

When we got married, I expected to have sex every day and was disappointed and confused when my husband was only interested a couple times a week. I have always been very open to his different ideas about sex, have never withheld it for any reason, and was always reasonably comfortable being seen naked or in lingerie. I wondered for a long time why my husband was becoming less and less interested in me and sex. It was only a couple years into our marraige that it went down to 3-4 times a year. At first, I thought he was cheating. He semmed to lie about everything. Nothing ever added up. There were always ridiculous stories about seemingly unimportant things. I became suspicious of everything. The trust was the first thing to go, then the respect. He was nervous, agitated and angry alot of the time. Now I know that it was the times I was close to  catching him. I found out that he wasn't having an affair with anpother woman, he was simply enjoyig his own private sex life, with many, many women through pornography. He was still outwardly affectionate and would tell me how beautiful or sexy I was. He would touch me and fondle me; almost always at inappropriate times or places, and when I would suggest that we take it up to the bedroom and have some fun, there was always an excuse. Eleven years later, I'm still living with the rejection. Knowing that my husband prefers his own hand and a magazine to being with me is the most painfully devastating thing I've ever known. Now, when we finally do engage in our semiannual intercourse, I can't even allow him to look at me, because I know I don't compare to what he's used to looking at.  I was married previously and enjoyed a normal healthy, mutually satisfying sexual realtionship. We had other significant problems that we were unable to resolve, but we never stopped enjoying eachother physically.I never dreamed that it could be this terrible with anyone else.

- - Jan 19th 2009
Pornography and pornographic images have been a major sore spot in my marriage of 20 years.  I did not know about my husband's appetite for it until I was 3 months pregnant with our (now) 18 year old son.  From that discovery I found magazines that he had been collecting since well before we even met.  Up until that point we had at least daily, if not 2-3 times daily sex.  This was never enough for him, as he "demanded" oral sex in addition, but never performed that for me until 5 years into the marriage, after the birth of our second son.  He has always blamed me for the reason he indulges in pornography, but what he does not realize is that, over the years the more I find out about his indulgences the more turned off I am by him and the less I want anything to do with him -- so we went from 2-3 times a day, to once a day, to 2-3 times a week, to once a week.  Even after 20 years, we are having sex at least once a week and ironically he never approaches my body the way I ask him to, nor does he try his approach differently -- it's always the same, which is just start going for the "button," and ignoring the whole rest of the body -- and it has been explained to him that it is like trying to go from 0-60 by shifting from 1st gear into 4th gear.  I have told him it seems like for all the time he spends in pornography maybe he could learn how to educate himself on being creative in getting a response, starting with EARNING MY TRUST.  Now when he touches me it makes me sick to my stomach.  And, it's unfortunate because we both really love each other.  I experience my own form of sexual frustration because I am actually a very passionate woman and have always found myself being the one "doing all the work" in bed -- as well as in the relationship, because his emotional maturity has also been an issue.  I've worked on myself, I've been in self-therapy, couples therapy, we've lived separately, tried everything it seems, and at this point I am not really all that interested in a sex life with him.  I am seriously considering divorce for this and countless other reasons, such as feeling like I am living with an adolescent a lot of time.  That said, he is a wonderful, wonderful, co-provider, is very affectionate and loving - physically demonstrative through touching, hugging, etc., can be very sweet (but also very mean), is very responsible and self-motivated in daily life in many ways.  And I have stayed with him for the reasons I love.  However, what I don't love about him can, on a day-to-day basis shift to where it is more predominant than what I love.  So, this isn't ALL about porn, but I think that when men are regularly engaging in porn while in a loving marriage with the potential for true intimacy (which most really fear) if they would simply shift the time they spend on mindless drivel to a little bit of time on sexual education and learning about how women's bodies work, especially their own partner, it might be totally different.  It is estimated that a woman's body, realistically, takes roughly about 20-30 minutes before it is fully aroused and ready to receive a man, but most men are lazy and won't spend the time doing that -- especially if they can get instant gratification online and by other means.  And, unfortunately as long as there are women out there who are willing to negotiate their own pleasure out of a need to "keep" their men, or for monetary purposes or what-have-you, as well as the unwillingness of men to grow up a little and do something different (take the time, and you will be pleasantly surprised), this is a problem that won't be quickly solved.  Unfortunately, this issue at the moment seems to be the rule rather than the exception, and so we accept it as "normal," which relates to "healthy."  Just because the consensus is doing it this way does not mean that it IS normal or healthy.  Depression has also become epidemic, but is this to say it is "normal" or "healthy?"  No, it is a sign that we are receiving that something is going wrong.

You are not alone - - Dec 20th 2008

Tortured Brad - You are not alone.  I love my wife in every way and will never leave her but because of a warped religious upbringing she is essentially frigid.  She is gorgeous and I would gladly drop internet porn for a regular sex life with her - but I can barely even look at her undressed she becomes so intensely shy.  Porn is my sex life and I am grateful that outlet exists.  Don't get me wrong - we've tried all kinds of therapy and it goes nowhere. Internet porn has helped our marriage far more than therapy......

Tortured - Brad - Dec 10th 2008

A lot of times men turn to porn because they are yearning for thier wives to be sexual and they are not.  I am in this situation right now and my wife is georgous, happy, good figure, etc...but has so many hang-ups becuase of her religous upbringing and beliefs that it has destroyed our sex life. At times I just want to leave and find someone that is passionate and willing to let go and enjoy sex. Many men turn to porn to get that fullfilment since they don't get it at home.

Thanks for sharing - - Aug 1st 2008

Thanks for sharing.  I am LDS, trying to recover alone and it helps me to understand the pain I am causing.  May God bless you all.

 I don't like to look at pictures, only text if that makes it better somehow.  And it's very private - no one else is involved but I am very tempted.  Oh, please may I never get 'past feeling'.

I am 'the husband' and I do care.  I hate it.  I was just ordained an HP and still couldn't confess.  I tried before, worked with the bishop, she forgave me, but I returned (3 Ne 7:8).  I try to tell her, but I know it hurts her and I chicken out.  I am in hell.  Takes all my effort not to let it get worse.

Many of you have much bigger burdens, which to some degree I am responsible for.  The Savior will help us all.  Don't give up.  I'll keep praying for courage.  Your sharing will eventually help my family.

- Cammi - Jul 22nd 2008

Talk about pain.  My husband is a porn addict and we have been married for 1o yrs.  He has had 3 affairs with Mormon woman. I know (So Sick) One was sexual and the other 2 were emotional. Not sure which is worse they both hurt the soul so bad.  I ask do I stay active in curch or stray.  I have no testimony and feel pain of his comitment to me. I feel the older I get He will leave me for a younger. He goes to church but does not act like a mormon man. He flirts. it hurts me and I know he still does it.

His porn and affirs have devastated our marriage.

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