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Darlene Lancer, JD, MFTDarlene Lancer, JD, MFT
A blog about Women’s Issues, Self-esteem and Relationships

Self-Esteem - Why It Matters

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Updated: Dec 3rd 2010

Most women suffer from lack of self-confidence, even despite greater job and educational opportunities than ever before. As noted in an earlier post, the lack of self-esteem starts as early as nine years old for girls and steadily worsens in adolescence, even if they excel in school.

sad teenage girlSelf-confidence is a manifestation of self-esteem and self-worth. It all begins with a sense of "Self." Younger than ever, girls today learn to dress and behave in ways to be accepted by their peers and attract boys' attention. These are normal developmental challenges, but when the opinions of others dominate, girls learn to adapt to "other" esteem, and lose a connection to their own identity. If this pattern takes root, it's a prescription for unhappiness and problems in work and relationships. It's also one of the reasons women are less happy than men, particularly in recent years as traditional roles that once provided an identity for women have eroded.

Without a sense of self, it is difficult to be alone, to make decisions, to set boundaries, to identify and accomplish goals, to succeed professionally, and to enjoy healthy, intimate relationships. Poor self-esteem underlies anxiety, depression, addiction, and sexual dysfunction.

Self-esteem varies on a continuum. Fortunately, you can grow your self-esteem and increase your capacity for self-fulfillment. It will enhance your creativity, ambition, physical and emotional health, loving relationships, and resilience in the face of adversity. It is the key to success.

What do I actually mean by self-esteem and self-worth? It is a realistic, positive self-concept, humbly accepting your attributes and shortcomings. It is a feeling of worth, determined neither by comparison to nor approval from others. It is a feeling of appreciation and satisfaction with yourself, not based on beauty, talent, achievement, intelligence, status, or popularity. It is an inner contentment - a feeling of "I have value, worth, and am lovable." Just as a toddler and each breed of dog, cat, and horse are unique and lovable, so are you. I use them as examples, because worth is intrinsic and not based on accomplishments or beauty, and need not be earned. Love from parents and others helps to establish self-esteem, but it is not a substitute. You can be loved and admired, even have prestige and material success, and still lack core self-esteem. Some leading actors and CEO's can only temporarily bask in the reflection of their success, ever compelled to exceed their last performance. Without self-esteem, as soon as a lover leaves, self-worth plummets. Chasing after others' approval, material possessions, physical perfection, or worldly success, even if achieved, is ephemeral and won't result in self-esteem, because it is an inner state of consciousness, independent of external events - a peaceful state of mind - not striving, judging, competing, or in conflict with itself. This doesn't mean you don't have goals. On the contrary, more creativity, courage, and energy are freed to accomplish them, and more satisfaction is attained.

Developing a "Self," requires time, attention, and responsibility, which is often so terrifying that people turn to others to determine what to think and how to feel and act. They hide, even from themselves, their inner emptiness. Only you can determine your values and what gives your life meaning, and only if you have the courage to be completely honest with yourself, will you begin to discover your real self. It means getting to know and love yourself - building a relationship, as you would with a friend - and becoming your own best friend. This takes attentive listening, quiet time, and commitment. But the alternative is to be lost at sea, continually trying to prove or improve yourself or win someone's love, while never feeling truly lovable or enough - like something is missing.

Self-responsibility is dependent on your ability to live consciously, to grow in self-awareness, the willingness to be honest with yourself, and to take responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and life. No matter what others think, self-esteem is based on what you think of yourself - your integrity with yourself.

Building self-esteem is an exciting path of self-exploration on the road to self-love.


Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She’s counseled individuals and couples for 27 years and coaches internationally and is the author of two books: Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies. Her ebooks include: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps and Codependency Recovery Daily Reflections. Ms. Lancer is a sought after speaker at national conferences, on radio, and to professional groups and institutions. Her articles appear in professional journals and Internet mental health websites, including on her own, and, where you can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.” Find her on, Twitter @darlenelancer, and Facebook.

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