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The Nature of Suicide

Natalie Staats Reiss, Ph.D., and Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. Updated: Jul 25th 2016

National Suicide Prevention LineThis center is intended to educate readers about the nature of suicide. If you are seriously considering committing suicide right now, you don't need education about the nature of suicide. If you know that you will harm yourself unless something happens very shortly to stop you from doing so - PLEASE take the following step right now:

  • If you are in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are in another country, you can find a local suicide helpline here.
  • Get to the nearest emergency room and tell the admitting staff there that you are "acutely suicidal."
  • If you cannot get yourself safely to the emergency room, call the emergency operator (911 in the United States) and ask for assistance. Again, tell the operator that you are acutely suicidal and require immediate help.

Your use of the term "acute" tells the people you're speaking with that you are in immediate danger of committing suicide right now, and that they need to act quickly to help keep you safe.

If you are still reading (and not on the phone with an emergency operator, or already on the way to the hospital), we'll take it as a sign that you are not acutely suicidal right now. Though you may not be in crisis this moment, you may be experiencing a great deal of emotional pain nevertheless, and seeking information about how to best deal with that pain. If that is the case, feel free to skip over this introductory article and go right to our article discussing practical tips and suggestions for coping with and managing suicidal feelings and thoughts. If you are a friend or family member seeking practical information about how to deal with another person who is suicidal, we have another article written specifically for you. We hope you will find this practical information to be useful.

If you are still reading, we'll take that as a sign that you have a few minutes to spend learning about suicide (rather than just reacting to it). It's useful to learn about the nature of suicide, because knowing this information can help you to keep your suicidal feelings (or the suicidal feelings of a loved one) in perspective, and can thus make you more able to manage those feelings, rather than be managed by them.

In this article, we lay the foundation for our discussion of suicide by first defining the types of behaviors and thoughts that fit the definition of "suicidal". We then share important information concerning the number of people who commit suicide each year, and their typical characteristics and issues. We also discuss why someone might commit suicide. We end our discussion with some societal recommendations for the prevention of suicide.

Keep in mind that you always have the option of picking up the phone and calling for help should you become overwhelmed by suicidal feelings while reading this article. Call the emergency operator or take yourself to the emergency room at the local hospital. Taking these actions will help keep you safe. Maybe not entirely comfortable; maybe embarrassed; maybe even ashamed; but safe, nevertheless.

 

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Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

You aren't alone. Stay Alive. We Love You. - - Mar 1st 2015

Many of us have all experienced rejection, loneliness, isolation, and feeling hopeless. Some just hide it better than others. Don't hold back when you see someone who needs support. Say something encouraging. Hold the door for them. Anything. Show them there are people who care and know what it feels like. 

Every case is different. - Visitor - Jan 18th 2015

No matter how many self-appointed "web experts" try to reduce the issue of suicide to simplistic formulas and generalities, every individual case is different. We see this in these comments. Even the superficially similar ones are really different in detail.

I think the biggest block to defusing suicidal urges is the impossibility of free accepting debate. Until the continous wail of "dont do it" and denial starts to die down we will never feel free to really evaluate our options.

I have coped with a desire to be dead for five years. One of the things that has been hardest and at times almost provoked me to commit suicide has been the incessant internet chorus "life is great" coming from patent idiots who clearly know little of reality as it is lived by, oh lets see, about four billion of the seven billion people on Earth.

Typical are those comments that say "so and so killed themselves now WE are all suffering so there that proves we cared". The contradiction in such clearly selfish statements is incredibly obvious. One even lists all sorts of people not even connected to the suicide and blames their failings on her! These are not caring people. These are emotional parasites, vampires almost. For a mother to write that about a dead daughter is to me the ultimate demonstration that NO, really she did NOT care when it was needed. Rather, she realises this and what she has lost only now after her child has gone.

All the young people saying they want to end their life do make me want to say DONT. But its different for mature people. Mature discussion should acknowledge this. Sometime, most of us will realise we have seen and done all that we want to, lets end on a high. Do you always sit to the end of an over-long dead boring movie? I would say only an idiot would.

Some of us do not need to worry about affecting others. For example, I have absolutely no family and one friend who merely says my death would be a nuisance as she would need to sort it out afterwards, no big deal though. Western society is in denial about death. Reading anti-suicide posts I get the impression that the people who write them think that if they dont kill themselves everybody will live forever. I also suspect that they protest too strongly...like people who denounce other peoples lifestyles, because they fear their own secret urges. They seem to think that in order to get happy themselves they must prevent others from expressing the legitimate view that life is difficult.

To end positively, young readers should think of all the possibilities they have of things changing for the better. Try to find non-judgemental people to discuss it with. Express your negative urges so you can hear them and you may find that you realise its not really what you choose so much as simply wanting to say it aloud.

That is why this is a good site.Thankyou for allowing people this space. Please alow people to continue to let it out.

Lies - - Jan 13th 2015

Here, swallow these lies and you'll be fine...or worse, possibly worse and when that happens we'll try some different lies. When those lies cause you horrendous side effects and suicidal ideation we'll try yet more lies until you're completely lifeless at which point we'll just shrug our shoulders and conclude that psychotropic drugs aren't for everyone.

Chemically imbalanced? Apparently that's lies as well. Here's a drug which will correct the chemical imbalance in your brain which you may or may not have, impossible to say really because there's absolutely no evidence to support this theory whatsoever. 

However we may not have been certain of a chemical imbalance before originally prescribing you poison but it's more than likely that you do have one now. 

Here's some klonopin, hope your wife and children are well. Good luck now trying to care for them, have a nice life sir!

Dangerously uninformed GP's really have no idea the crap that they're feeding their patients when they prescribe an antidepressant.

The only reason I'm still living is because I can not bear the thought of my family grieving my suicide and the damage it would most certainly do. That is all.

Ironically, I do already feel dead. 

My parents hate me and I have no future to look forward to. - Spade - Jan 11th 2015

Hi my name is Spade, I'm agender, have adhd, ptsd, bpd, aspd, DID, depression and anxiety, theres probably more because my mind is so damaged from everything thats happened to me but i wont go into it more.

Im in tenth grade and great googly moogly everything has gone to sh*t. Im behind on all my work by atleast a week, my parents constantly yell at and abuse me, i have nobody to talk to at school, and the one friend i do have i can only visit on weekends. The reason i want to kill myself is because i will never be able to function in this terrible society i have the displeasure of calling home and my parents will never love who i am. Because of my brain stuff and the constant mental, emotional, and verbal abuse i recieve from my parents im pretty much unstable everywhere and cant get anything done, even fun things that i love to do. My alters are constantly fu**ing my relationships up and hurting other people along with making me look like a freak. They have to pretend to be me in school and you can guess how well that goes. My brain constantly repeats things like "you are worthless" and "you are a dissapointment" and "you should die" and "nobody loves you" and I have paranoia about being abandoned or my friends dying so often i cant count them. I dont want to go to a mental hospital and being misgendered is making my self worth go to sh*t, when i came out to my parents about my sexuality they abused and yelled at me for monthes saying i was going to hell and I was making a mistake and its just a phase although ive felt like this my entire fifteen years of living. Its the same thing for my gender, so you can see why i cant come out to them ever, if i do i will be yelled at, have my only sense of security and happiness-- my computer-- taken away, and continued to be misgendered or they will say my name in a mocking tone and make me feel invalid. I have no hope for anything. Ill never get to see my 20th birthday. Why shouldnt I just end my suffering and dont give me that "it gets better" or "believe in god" bullsh*t because thats what put me in this position in the first place. Give me valid reasons of what i can do with my life I dont want to die but im running out of options here.

my mother and stepdad are driving me to commit suicide - matthew - Oct 13th 2014

im 24, i got autisim, aspergers, and tourettes since i was 6 years old. i have lived with my mother since i was 15. since my mother hooked up with this puerto ricican who she now claims is her husband since they been together for so long. ive come to distant myself from him cause of there family buisness and them treating me like a personal slave for it. every morning from 4 i wake up to 10 at night. i get low pay around 20 bucks a day. its driving me crazy and my mom keeps manapulting me to stay here and im on the brink of killing myself. even when i say im moving out and gonna move down to see my father she always tells me lies that he was never there for me yet he told me to come down anytime when im feeling stressed out with my mother and stepdad. she always says he will lead me down the wrong way etc. ifk how to deal with this other then hide from them out of there house and find a hotel and not tell them were i am.

my thoughts - - Oct 4th 2014

I too suffer from what has been labeled  as complex ptsd as well as complex trama and cannot handle a trip to the ER as it will trigger a bad response made the mistake of telling my therapist I was suicidal and she had commited for a 72 hr hold aaaand am still trying to get over that experience but am stlii thinking of commiting suicide

ERs are the WORST for me - - Oct 3rd 2014

I cannot speak for anyone else, and I have some unique issues, but for me ERs are completely UNSAFE. I literally got ptsd after my last visit. I had to recover not only emotionally but medically/physically after being there. I am still not even close to being over what happened to me almost 2 years ago. This is unfortunate as legally that is the only place to be sent when actively suicidal. How ironic, cruelly ironic. I cannot go to an ER or risk hotlines as they trace calls and could well send police who them drag me to the ER. I am on my own which is effing scary given how I feel so often.

only a matter of time - miriam - Sep 28th 2014

I can not say much but I suffer from PTSD for 10yrs now and it is only a matter of time. I am very very tired and have seen so many of my friends pass through suicide. Only recently my family member suicided. I felt and saw the great grief that it brought to the family and so many people who loved him dearly as I did. But he didnt know that love - he only felt the loneliness as I do every day and night and I understand the pain he was going through. He thought no one loved him and was all alone. All he wanted was one person to say to him I love and care come here. But those words were not what he heard from only NO!! AND HE DIDNT RING ME OTHERWISE HE WOULD BE STILL HERE!  People who say you will get over it do not understand such loneliness and the depth of despair. If someone can wave that magic wand and it is all gone please send it here. I do notice that there is a disclaimer that that this may not be published here which may say something about people cannot be open and honest on this page. If published then thank you for reading my very short story.

Dear Chad, - - Sep 24th 2014

For the young, when things don't fall the way we want it to be, it may feel like it's the end of the world. It may feel like there is no hope left, nothing else to do and no time to make things happen. But you are mistaken, nobody else knows this but the 'once young'. As they say: 'when a door shuts down, a window opens'. Sometimes, we have to look beyond what we desire. You'll be surprised what going to happen next. It may turn out even better than you've expect. Life is good, yes it has it's ups and downs, highs and lows but you have to keep the faith to yourself, faith with God and He will do the rest. He woudn't give a problem he knows you can't conquer yourself. Live. Lighten up and be happy. All the best to you! 

can or not - Munir - Sep 23rd 2014

  I feel like people that are really depressed and think that the only way out is through suicide feel that they are truly alone in the world, and that no one cares about them. Even if its not the case, they make it the case in their minds. I can totally imagine not feeling loved by anyone. I bet it could definitely make even the strongest people feel weak. I personally also think that everyone should take every opportunity they get to become stronger mentally so that they never have to be in a position like this. Everyone should (in the ideal world) have it in them to be able to recognize where they are going wrong and fix the problem. I believe that change that comes from within is the best kind of change. I used to be a victim of depression until I changed my view on life. Until i realized that no one could help me more than I could help myself. My empathy goes out to all of you who are feeling hopeless right now. But don't worry, there is a way out. You can help yourself out of the trouble that you are feeling. I promise you can, but it will take work. It is not hard, it will just take work. Everyday you will have to wake up and push yourself to smiling even though you don't want to. everyday you will have to do the things you don't want to do, and soon you will find that you get such pleasure from facing your fears. every sign of adversity will be an opportunity for you to overcome and grow. you will become so strong mentally. If you need support, reddit has an active community that is willingly to listen to you and support you along your way. here is the link to that: http://www.reddit.com/r/depression and two articles that really helped me open my eyes are: http://www.popularfit.com/finding-happiness/ http://www.popularfit.com/end-depression/ Best of luck to you on your journey. seek help if you need it. listen to your thoughts objectively. find the root of your problems. find the root and cure the root and watch your life flower into a happy, wholesome, enjoyable experience. good luck guys. God Bless.

Don' know what to do anymore - Aaron Shermuly - Sep 23rd 2014

I have been having "suicidal arguments" with myself for around 2 years now... so far i have a way of somewhat controlling it by Gaming on either a ps3 or my laptop. i still have them probably 3 or 4 times a week but i tend to get my stuff taken away alot because i dont care about anything any more i am a freshman in highschool and i have F's in basicaly all of my classes exept for computer technology because i know basicaly all they teach for that class because i love being on my computer and when i get my stuff taken away that is when i get my real thoughts on it because i have nothing to occupy my mind what also makes me seriously think about it are most sundays when i think about having to go to school the next day i cant deal with school any more i have asked my mom to get me in an online school several times because i think it would be best for me because i wouldn't have to deal with the stress of peoples thoughts about me i basically have no friends i sit alone at lunch and i would like an online school alot better but its like she doesnt care about what i think ive also asked her about moving in with my grandma who lives in the same town because i pretty much hate living in this house with my 16 year old sister and my 8 year old sister i am 14 and i cry every night because of it i often have bad dreams that i wake up to about me dying in some way like one was me crashing a semi and getting run over and another was someone murdering me with wires and they only happen when i go to bed at a decent time so i dont sleep much at all i think i need help but i dont want to be talked to by a therapist because legally they have to report anything illegal to someone and i dont want to be sent to a mental institution i just want to have a normal life... any ways sorry for taking up your time i just dont think i will be able to deal with it next time she takes my stuff if you have any thing to say i check my email daily. thank you for reading... Bye.

 

Seriously? - - Sep 22nd 2014

Oh please - do-gooders working for big pharma (and it's puppets, the medical profession) and sleazy politicians with their beloved bed buddy, religion, urging those who can actually SEE the evil that governs humanity and the sheer futility of trying to exist under it, are urging  us NOT to leave this life but to get ourselves hooked into big pharma's 'mental-health system' instead.

If there's three things I loathe above all others, it's big pharma, right-wing politicians and do-gooders; all of who are terrified of losing their global slaves and guinea pigs.

Get real. 

The intelligent ones are those who see what's going on and choose to glide away from this miserable life governed by monsters.

I don't want to die - Chad - Sep 18th 2014

For five years now I've struggled with some type of ocd/anxiety disorder that makes it extremely hard for me to be around people. This has led to major depression and isolation and I just want to be normal like everyone else but I just can't, and if things don't change in my future I know I can't go on like this. I don't want to die, I want to join the airforce but due to my problems/ medical past I don't think I would be able to join, and if that happens there's no hope for me.

Why do I feel like this? - - Sep 16th 2014

My Mom passed away suddenly a month ago. I had to take care of everything. Now that the service is over I don't have anything keeping me busy. Not only that but I have some pretty serious health issues and I'm unable to work which makes money very tight. My husband works hard to keep us where we are. Since Mom died I just feel empty because she was my rock,the one I called when it felt like the world was closing in on me. I know I have many that love me, but I feel so alone. I have so many feelings about everything that I'm just trying to make it from day to day. I'm not going to lie I've had the thought that everyone would be better off without me cause I'm just a burden. I try to shake that feeling, but it never really goes away. We lost my Uncle 3yrs ago to suicide and going through that loss was one of the hardest things we've ever went through. I don't want to do that to my family. I don't even know where these feelings come from. What can I do to help myself?? 

Death never seemed so attractive - Kya - Sep 13th 2014

I've always felt rejection or good enough. And in reality that is the case. I can fantasies and dream all I want about the life I want to have or deserve to have but in reality it's always been everything but what I've wanted or needed it to be... Life is so effing horrible, I hate being here I really believe that I don't belong here I try each and every day to be the good person or do things right because my life is already hard and there's no point in making it harder because I don't like it here... I hate the way human beings are they lie and use good people until they are all used up and they just don't care about anything or anyone that should matter.... It's just so much wrong in my life and in this world I'm just ready to not be here anymore. I've tried everything to change my mindset but I'm not fooling myself I know that one day if things don't get better soon for me ill have the courage to go through with it and end all this bullshit of a life of mine... I can't think about all my family and friends because they aren't living with the pain arhat I deal with in my heart and mind everyday... If I could live for them I would but I can't I can only think about how I feel everyday and I'm tired of looking for a way out of this world when there is truly only one way and that's death... Cause drugs just won't do it for me anymore

I HATE MY LIFE SOOOOOOOO MUCH - Janelle - Sep 11th 2014

I seriously hate my life . I always have for some reason  , I just have never been TRULY happy with myself or my life . My dad makes me feel like sh*t about myself evey single day , my boyfriend of over 2 years left me TODAY after I worked my a*s off to help him get a job & car to get to that job , he basically used me , my family is broken up & spread out through the states cause no one wants to be near eachother .. All my "friends" are fake . All my co workers are fake . I had ONE bestfriend , & he passed away a couple weeks ago ... Like I have NO ONE . Im so done with life . I know people may have it worse than me but I havent even told you guys HALF of my life .. I have just reached my point to where I just cant take this depression anymore , this stress , this aching pain in my heart . Im tires ofnstressing over money , Im tired of stressing over people , over work , EVERYTHING !! I want to end my life but im scared . Im scared that Ill end up surviving or that ill suffer . Im scares of what will happen after I die . Will I get to see my bestfriend ? Will he be waiting for me ? & my uncle and my other friends that have passes away . I dont know what I believe in as far as god .. Obviously there IS something that created us somehow but I still pray & pray & pray that things get better & help me & guide me the right way & I still get fu**ed over . Im a 19 year old girl & im just completely over everything ... I dont want to talk to a stranger just to lie to my face & tell me Im going to be okay . I can tell myself that for free ..

Dear Megan - - Sep 9th 2014

To Megan, I know what you're what going through since I had the same experience like yours. I will never forget what happened. Mine happened when I was young and I always thought it was just  immaturity and childish acts. My cousin and I never discussed it again. It's very odd to talk about it anymore as we have grown older now. Sometimes, I think about it and gives me the creeps yet chose to forget what had happened. It seems like your parents let it all go for your family's sake and not to remind everyone about those unfortunate events. It does not mean that they don't care about you, it only means they just don't want to sprinkle a sting on the wounds that should not had happen on the first place. I suggest to let your parents know about what your cousin is constantly doing to you. I want you to get their attention, desperately cry for help so it would not happen again. I am sure this time they will do something about it. I also want you to visit a shrink to get your past out of your system so you could let it go and peacefully go on with your life that is way ahead of you. Lastly, I want you to pray, you may not believe in God but try to start to. Believe me, things will fall into its right place if you do keep the faith. Pray for the knowledge, the courage, the wisdom and the stength. I have been through so much, fallen and has risen again but the only thing that was constant was my faith. So please keep praying!

suicidal thoughts - - Sep 3rd 2014

Suicide is selfish and to the individual it's a means of loss hope and a way to end the pain. I feel this but I fear leaving my family behind and I fear hell

there is hope....there are no hopeless cases only people without hope - Connie - Sep 3rd 2014

I have such empathy for all writing messages, PLEASE KNOW THAT THERE IS HELP...You are not alone. May be chemical imbalance depression and need right medicine, which can be managed. Could be years of holding in feelings even to a point we feel shame. Counselling or therapy can really help. If believer in God may feel discounted , He, God will never leave us or forsake us the bible says. I know for myself when I help others makes me feel worthy and good inside. I've been on both side of the fence my immediate family members are gone too young and effected us all. There are support groups or individual therapy that as well help as well. For myselfself I'm a non denominational Christian. I'm so blessed to know I have a Lord and Savior that is always there for me. God changed me and without my test I would have no testimony to help others. Environmental factors have a lot to do with who we are. Our past does not define us , God promises us a plan for a hope and a future, He does give us free choice. He wants us to Love Him because we want to not because we have to. The day I excepted Jesus in my heart to be my personal savior and asked forgiveness of sin was the day Jesus worked on me from the inside out. I never thought I'd free better or be at a happy place in my life, but God is so merciful and I am so blessed to have His Grace. We can all have it, the bible says , ask and you shall receive great and mighty things that thrall Knowest not. In Proverbs 3:5-6 says,,, TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THY HEART AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATH. I CARE FOR EACH AND EVERYONE ON THESE SITE HURTING.YOU ARE NOT ALONE BUT TOGETHER WITH GOD GUIDANCE AND LOVE WE CAN ALL GET THOUGH THE ROUGH SEASON.....GOD BLESS......WE STAND TOGETHER STRONG :-)

I wish someone would care...... - Megan - Sep 2nd 2014

I Think bout suicide a lot. Like everyday. I don't like people helping me if I don't ask for it,which I hardly ever ask for help.

I also don't like people touching me. I get really angry if they do and I tell them not to touch me.

I guess it's cause a few years ago my cousin and brothers molested me, one of my brothers deny it and the other one suss he is sorry and my cousin no one knows about.

And my cousin did it again last year and this year. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I think bout it allot and if a guy gets near me or even shows affection I feel very uncomfortable. I'm kinda scared to go out with certain guys. And when my parents found out bout my brothers they didn't do nothing bout it they just sat us down to talk and thought they figured out out just by that and they put it behind them that day. They didn't hug me ask me if I was ok or nothing. Ever since they look at me different. Even if someone brings up a subject containing to anything like that I have to leave the room.

But enough with that. I've tried to kill myself a few times. I've harmed myself. I almost overdosed 2 and the first time wasn't on purpose. I've thought bout killing myself in do many ways. I 've had dreams bout me getting hurt or killed by myself, by someone else, by a storm or something and always have them a lot. I just wish someone would care enough to do something cause I dont know what I'm gonna do anymore.

Depression that fuels the better of me and the worst too - - Sep 1st 2014

I grew up suffering from ADHD and with slight dyslexia. I was very much anti-social and avoided crowds altogether for the frightening claustrophobic sickness, and I was even bullied in school during my formative years. I lost my childhood and never realized that I had grown up so fast, the pain is never-ending. Misery taught me more than happiness, poverty taught me more than wealth, and all the blows I got brought out my inner fire. Today, at the age of 21, I run a startup and a non-profit organization that works towards the upliftment of the poor and the needy. I live a life where each day is a tight-rope walk, having to live by brushing death all the time. I couldn't help my girlfriend when she was suffering from depression, and I'm unable to forgive myself and let it go and this has led me to turn to excessive smoking and occasionaly smoking drugs. I love her the most and I'm afraid I'll hurt her so I'm very much lost right now. I'm the kinda guy who'll go stand by my belief and cause regardless of what the world thinks, and at the moment I'm at the rock bottom slowly losing hope. I had quit smoking and drugs but I have relapsed again. I live a polarised life, much like black and white. Depression at times and euphoria and celebration during the other times. It's hard to live knowing the reality of this planet's future.

The beauty of it all - - Sep 1st 2014

I don't think anyone will get as far as reading my comment, but I just want to thank all that have commented and shared their experiences and thoughts. I don't feel crazy anymore, instead it just feels right! ! I can't wait to rest:)

Demon inside of me - - Aug 31st 2014

I am suffering from a sexual addiction I can't control. I have failed my name, my wife, my son and my family. I don't think I can go on living. I don't think I want to go on living as such a failure. I hurt inside because my addictions hurt everyone around me.  I just want things to go back to the way they were.  everyone should hate me right now. 

Suside - Tara - Aug 31st 2014

My brother commited suside when i was in iraq 2009. I was in war and was a lost soul myself.

we both grew up in a fu**ed up life style but he was adopted by a women who has 2 other odopted  kids who r from same mother. Bless this women who was strong but weak.who faces very difficult times from my what my brother chose.she still chooses to make me part of her life.bless her im celtic but i do believe in many other things! Loneliness is depression and illness that replaces youth and meanining in life imhave read. Let us on our way rather than face  a painful end.i have read!depression stays a private thing by rina vander watt.life is not easy and for some life is outright brutal, like myself. While some may choose to live on through unending challenges like i read. But i do live by this why would i commit suside when other people whould b happy im gone but i wanna live to make them unhappy so i won.my brother felt otherwise. Im sad he choose that way but im here to make his death right even though i lost to him. But thats my sadness. For those who give up please find something that makes u happy f**k every1 else live to make yourself happy no matter what u think is sad.u will find happiness.but i do belive even though im celtic that god leads his children in mysterious ways and chooses only those that that are willing to follow their impulse and have courage to face all the hardships of life

Seek help - Emily - Aug 29th 2014

Our family took in our nephew 5 years ago.  Last year we found him hanging, dead.  By some miracle, he survived.  Last week he attempted suicide again. For the past year I have lived with the horror of finding him.  Always afraid that he would do it again.  Afraid to sleep, afraid to go to work, afraid to go anywhere because he he had 5 minutes alone he would try it again. And he did.  In the shower.  This time we found him again, and he lived.  But we relinquished gguardianship this morning.  Our family is traumatized by the suicide attempts and our once happy, joyful family is grieving and living in fear.  He suffers from Reactive Associative Disorder, Bipolar, PTSD, depression and Anti social disorder (but they can't label it that because he is 16).  The psychiatrist said if he came home, he would definitely kill himself and at least one of us.  By showing him love the past five years, we made him worse.  He has no remorse, only anger for saving him to live another day.  MY 

fearr is so great, the truth is I want to kill myself before he can kill me.  I am a sane woman, and have never been suicidal.  But I am terrified of what will happen to me.  my heart breaks for the trauma my sister and step father did too him as a child.  I could not make it better for him.  What makes it so scary, is he is a straight A student, charming, good looking, talented, etc.  We "taught" him how to fake caring, empathy, everything.  These horrible women who screw up children lives should be in prison. He will be in long term treatment 6-18 months.  But then he Wil age out and can legally buy a gun.  Even if he can't, he will find me, and he will kill me.  If I could stop screaming on the inside long enough, maybe I could talk myself out of this.  There is only terror in my soul. I don't fear death, only the way he will kill me. And the only thing they can say is to seek help and maybe they got to him in time to help him. 

There are reasons - JH - Aug 27th 2014

When one comes to the end of days, when illness and pain replace joy, I can understand how one could take his or her life. 

Life doesn't always go as planned, but we're told to put on a happy face, things will get better, and we comply year after year. When I finally retired and took time to step back and analyze what my life has been and where it's going, it is not done with the emotions of youth. It is done through the eyes of one who has pretty much seen it all. And honestly, my job here is done. I fulfilled my purpose in life as a good daughter, then wife and finally as a mother. I paid my way. I contributed to the economy and society in the usual, expected ways. It's just that, nothing more. I am done, ready to move on. Any chapters added to my current life would be redundant. There are "empty rooms, empty chairs." There are memories, there is a longing for those who are already gone. Is this our reward? 

There is depression, there is suicide among elders when they face the reality of struggles ahead be they mental, physical or economical. Elders become invisible. Our once vibrant, youthful looks and energies and abilities are gone. Purpose is removed. Family members don't want to know about our pain.  Loneliness, depression and illness replace youth and meaning in life.

Let us go our own way, rather than face a long and painful end. I have been diagnosed with an incurable disease. I refuse to burden anyone further. God bless us, everyone; try to understand and forgive. Amen.

Depression is a private thing - Rina van der Watt - Aug 22nd 2014

No matter what people say or do depression stays a private thing. Even when people try to help it still stays your dog. But what does make it more difficult is that people are scared of the depression we all carry inside ourselves. So generally the undepressed public tends to avoid those who are, or when they do mix with them, tend to steer away from those heavy topics. Its like death - nobody likes to talk about it or wants to be reminded of it. But it is all around us. It is part of us.

Few are the souls who are willing to listen and share with compassion. But they are there. Mini saints. May they be blessed for offering up their capacity so other can share their darkness.

 

The worth of a human life - EK - Aug 21st 2014

Like others who have left comments here and elsewhere on Internet forums, I plan to end a life neither I nor anyone else I have ever met values. I won't detail the whys because they don't matter, except to me. I have concluded that unless remission of one's dark mood is imminent, it is unwise to discuss the matter with others. Some react violently. Some flee, never to return. And some obstinately impose advice that, because of the nature of our feelings, carries an explicit or barely implicit threat of involuntary incarceration. I've been committed before, and it was among the most horrifying, undignified, painful experiences of my adult life. Never again.

The gist of my comment, though, concerns what is arguably the ultimate expression of self ownership, namely the rights to evaluate autonomously the value of one's own life, and then, in the context of not bringing physical harm to others, dispose of one's own life if one chooses. Many would be horrified if an owner of a priceless work of art chose to destroy it, but that is the owner's right simply by dint of ownership. It should be the same with our own existence. Nor should the emotional effects on others trump one's own decision to stay or go. After all, in our Western culture, divorce, known to have substantial and potentially life-long negative effects on youths and adults alike, is permitted--increasingly devoid of the concept of fault. One's freedom to pursue what one finds will make one happy eclipses the opinions and wishes of others affected. Again, it should be the same with self delivery.

Life is not easy. And for some, life is downright brutal. While some may choose to live on through unending challenges, finding coping mechanisms to facilitate survival, there is no valid philosophical reason to justify the wholesale obviation of lucid adult citizens' determination of the times and means of our own end. Judging from the increasing frequency of similar sentiments published by other world citizens, public opinion is changing. Much like the decriminalization and de-pathologizing of alternative sexual orientations, eventually the West will demand that government stay out of the definitively personal arena of self determination.

I LOVE YOU ALL - - Aug 20th 2014

PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF I LOVE EVERYONE HERE I DON'T HAVE A REASON TO HATE THEM SO I LOVE THEM IF YOU FEEL NO ONE LOVES YOU I DO!

Don't commit suicide. Please - - Aug 20th 2014

No matter what you have done dont take YOUR life you can be sad deppresed just keep smiling no matter what aas much as you  can no matter what you thrown away dont throw away YOUR LIFE you are you and you have to remember that you are amazing no matter what. And although being you may feel like a burden trust me its not. Watch anything that makes you happy a funny cat video. If your childhood was bad why not recreate it? Have a the childhood you wanted. Try to get a video game and play the blues away. Do what ever but dont harm yourself.

I just want someone to care - - Aug 19th 2014

All I ever wanted was someone to love and accept me for me I feel like such a loser. As a child my brother molested me and so did a family friend and being the extremely shy quiet kid I was I said nothing. I remember one time when I was around 9 my mom made me fold a load of laundry and the washclothes were not folded square, so she woke me up out of bed and beat me with a wooden spoon for what seemed like an eternity and this was a very repetitive thing for any stupid little mishap that a child shouldn't worry about. Now as  and adult I have 0 self esteem and seriosly hate myself. I have absolutely no social skills And have never had a successful relatiomship over a few weeks because I'm boring and have no personality. I also have crohn's disease  which really sucks. I tried killing myself in a car accident a few years ago and was resuscitated 3 times unfortunately, I screwed that up to. So no matter how hard I try I  just can't care.

Tired of being a burden - - Aug 12th 2014

Just over 4 years ago I lost my job due to severe migraines. When I lost my job I couldn't pay my credit card debit which lead to judgements on my house. This stress along with all the pain from the chronic migraines has caused major depression. I have my death planned. I'm shopping for life insurance now. I have my goodbye letters written. I'm going to do my Facebook if I die later this month. I have to make sure everything goes as planned so that no one thinks it was suicide. 

Alone in the World No emotional support Lost Everything - Jean - Jun 17th 2014

Our home was paid in full and my precious mother wanted to have it remodeled. She and I were going to pay for the remodeled in five years. What happen is that she died and the house was forclosed, i lost everything. People are so cruel. I have sort counselsing to no avail. I cannot kill myself, I am just existing, watching people live while i cry every single day and beg God to please guide me show me how to turn this around. How to help myself. I used to be strong. Now my self esteen, self confidence, I am an outcast in the commmunity. I just cry and don't know what to do except pray and cry.

I tried to read the above but its not what i need - mla - Jun 9th 2014

I've tried to read the above but its not what i'm looking for yes I'm down and feel a let down to be thinking of taking me own life i know i would be a let down to my family but i do't care i'm sick of beig told your be alright just get on with life i take all my medication but still i long to find away to go to sleep and not have to feel like this day after day nobody know what is going on in my head they all think it is easy to have a little chit chat if only they could understand talking is the last thing i wont i write this as i'm being sick after taking a hand full of tablets i have more to take as the sickness stops as i know it will so fedup with people i feel no pain just the sickness and the dackness creeping in around me its funny but this is the best i've felt in a long time so I'm off to sleep and i wish all a happy and peaceful day 

Sorry this is so long - Molly - May 30th 2014

Hi.. I'm a 24 year old female living in Canada & I'm starting to get scared that I will do something drastic and irreversible. I have gone through periods of depression on and off since I can remember. At first it wasn't bad.. just low periods that last a few hours. Now it lasts weeks and the good periods in between (in which I am uncharacteristically social and productive) are getting shorter.

A bit of background on me is that I grew up in a very diverse, mixed-up family. I have 5 siblings and all are half-siblings. I am the oldest. I've had to choose between parents my whole life and am currently with my Mom because I can't afford life on my own. I love my parents, so much. My Dad is an alcoholic and my Mom was previously addicted, but overcame, her addiction to painkillers. My life was tough before but now i have it pretty good (can afford my bills with a little extra left over, can drive and have a car, decent job, decent looking) and have a super supportive Mom and supportive friends. So why on earth would I want to die?

I could be partially fu**ed from my Mom's friends teenage boys touching me when I was a kid? or maybe it was the war between my parents? maybe the evil b**ch step mother? the nagging addiction that followed my family? but that is all OVER so how can that have anything to do with it anymore?

The thought of the future and doing this boring, meaningless sh*t for another 40-50 years terrifies me. Same small talk, same desk, same computer screen, same routine. Eat, sleep, cry, work, computer.. repeat. Maybe add in a dinner with a friend every now and then. My parents are both 43 and still struggling hard-core working their asses off to just barely get by, as I imagine I will have to endure if I stick around. I used to want kids, and love horseback riding and biking and swimming and skating and now I do nothing. I like nothing, ignore my friends, sit in my room and conjure up ideas and ways to not have to wake up tomorrow.

I'm so incredibly weak! And I used to pride myself on being strong. Thoughts of suicide are more frequent and I get happy thinking about it and that's just not right is it? Or is everyone like this?

Who knows.. Please if anyone feels the same or has been through something similar email me

Molly

Hope is a lie - - May 19th 2014

Ive been on the mental health ride now for over a decade.

I've had shock therapy twice.  I have taken all their useless medications.

The ride never ends, and depression never stops.

If you can find the courage, kill yourself.

But instead, I get a disablity check, and have a case worker.

They won't even let me drink beer.

I wish I had.

I had enough - - Feb 9th 2014

I have tried several times to OD but always just vomited and got sick.  Its now so many years that I have depression and suicidal thoughts. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am on medication but I just had enough.  I cant take it any more. I want to die and get it over with. I DO NOT want to try anymore.  I cant go on like this. I cant go through these emotions every now and then. There must be away I can commit suicide so that will look like an accident? ?? Please dont try to talk me out of it. Just give me an idee that will succeed. 

words - - Jan 21st 2014

i just wanted to put something out there to the loved ones and friends, trying to guilt trip the person is a d*ck move and makes sh*t worse, and f***ing pitty is not welcome iether, "think about your loved ones" obviously thats a reason of hesitation or they aint feelen the love, and another disgusting thing to not say is "people who take there life are selfish" you may as well give em the finger no family no friends no religon nno politics no controvercial topics, let the pros handle the talking if you can. people rarely realize the power of words, but think about it, you might not be the one holding the gun but with your words you may as well be, mental manipulation is all based on information and we percieve information through our senceses and with words we manipulate that very perseption of that information thusly controling the interpretation and controlling the outcome action. but i do warn you when you mess with one persons mind you mess with your own. stay safe, live well

You get one shot at life - Shearzy - Dec 13th 2013

No matter what people say to me isn't enough to wan't me to stay on this earth. I left my wife and son for a women 15 years younger then me and life changed. After 2 years with this girl she just moved on, I lost her, her son my son my wife all because i thought things could be better. 1 month of being on my own i was hit with a stroke. I sit at home every day on long term disability thinking why did i do this to my family. I am tired of fighting my health and ashamed of the person i have become. Suicide thoughts are in my head 24/7 and i am afraid that i will take my own life soon. All you guys out there who think the grass is greener on the other side think long and hard about it. Wish i could turn back the clock to 2011 but i made the mistake and the only way to fix it is to be gone.

I feel like not being here - A 26 - Nov 30th 2013

All my life I have had it bad my own brother rape me for years and when I told my mom she said dont tell hyoid dad. She has always told me she wished I would die. Now that I am older I no longer contact anyone in my family. I am a mother of 3 and a wife I sufffor rom borderline personality disorder and ptsd. My husband is great to an extent but has also told me on several occasions he wish I would die and has recently said it in front of our children. It hurts to hear something like this from someone u love. I am not the nicest person to him a lot of true time be ause of my mental inkling ESA but it still hurts and now I have dreams of doing it but I dont think I ever could do it to my kids or him.

cant live like this anymore - scott - Jun 17th 2013

My girlfriend left me 5 months ago, and it left me with crippling aniexty and depression. I have started to lose my hair through the stress whichs adds to my depression. I have a son and family but even that dosnt make me happy. I have tied the rope in the garage and put the rope around my neck. I suppose I dont have the courage yet. Every day is fillied with unhappyness and shaking. I cant go on like this.

A widower at 38.. - - Jun 13th 2013

I am commenting to let anyone who is thinking of committing this horrific act to please think about the impact of your actions on your loved ones. Yes, you may not feel like it, but they love and appreciate you and these people needlessly go through HELL if you complete the task. My beautiful spouse suffered from anxiety, depression, and bipolar condition for the past two decades. I accepted her for who she was- a truly beautiful woman. We were good for each other. I gave us a solid plan to live by, one which excluded debt and needless agitation from pursuit of her formerly stressful career as a teacher. The stress was too much for her and she retired with a disability pension. (She didn't recognize her own limitations..so strong was her desire to help others at the expense of herself.) I supported her in whatever she chose to do or not do.  She gave me joy just by being with me. I respected her charity and caring personality. She balanced me. We both wanted children badly and knew we were running out of time being in our late 30's. We also recognized the need for her to go off the cocktail of meds that were keeping her balanced for so many years as these could be harmful to fetal development. Given her past accomplishments, I assumed she could do this. I had faith in her. That would prove to be a miscalculation. One day as I came home from work, I walked into our bedroom and found her by the hamper. Her back was against the wall and our home defense handgun was in her hand.  Blood was all over the shirt she wore. The following few seconds when the mind puts this all together... I can't describe. To find your loved one dead from suicide.  Think about that. Try and put yourself in my shoes. The guilt you put on yourself is immense. Never mind that she asked me to bring out the gun three days before because she said she felt frightened that she was alone while I was at work 10 hours a day. Never mind that we loved each other and affirmed it daily as soon as I came home every day with hugs and smiles. Never mind that this woman moved with me to this new community to share a life with me. What did I do wrong? Surely I did something wrong. Surely I did something...said something. Did I push her to do it? Should she have just tried to have a child while on all those meds?  It's been 3 and a half months now. She was an only child. Her poor mother and I talk weekly. She blames herself. I blame myself. I feel tremendous guilt as I was entrusted to keep their only child safe and loved. What could we have done differently? One teeters on the brink of madness thinking about this. I nearly took myself out from the guilt though now it has abated. There are many casualties to suicide. The worst of this ordeal is that SHE is no longer here to love and be loved.  The world has lost a truly benevolent and loving soul. One person dies but a piece of each person who loved them dies as well. Her parents will never see their only child again. Never have a grand child. I am left to press the reset button on my life at age 38.  You see? Do you see the havoc this causes in other people's lives as a result of this selfish act?   If you are thinking about suicide, know that you really send those closest to you in an emotional tailspin. It's not fair. It's. Not. Fair.   

it's not okay - - Apr 24th 2013

i have had a rough past and well life has gotten better over the years. in second grade i realized i was different from everyone else. i liked different things and others seemed to like the same thing. i felt alone. in the 5th grade i started opening up a little but i never fully came out. in the 8th grade i couldnt hide it anymore and had to face it "i am gay" i went through self harm and eating disorders, i have popped pills and nothing helped. then i met this girl and fell in love. i have dated guys before but had no emotional or sexual pull towards them. in every relationship with girls they last the longest. i am now in a relationship with this amazing girl and i couldnt picture life without her. mentioning that she is depressed and its hard to watch her go through. i hep her in the best way i can but i know im not enough. me and her have both been through cutting and are now battling depression. any advice?

35y.o. male, same stuff - Jer - Mar 4th 2013

I have a lot of the same feelings. My own issues are complex but in a watered down version: I do not have any family support and I do not have any real friends who care about me on an emotional level. I have a good job and for the most part that is the only time I feel important. Im married to my high school sweetheart but I cant stand to be around her and havent had that deep emotional love for her for years. We have a daughter together who is 3, 3 dogs and along with marraige we have a house, cars, RV, etc. My wife cheated on me a couple years before we got married. I wanted to leave her but not having anyone else in my life I couldnt go anywhere unless I wanted to be homeless. Staying with her was the only choice. I have never got over her cheating and I found out that she slept with or had other sexuals relations with my friends too. This hasnt helped me cope and counseling only puts me on medication that costs hundreds of dollars and only numbs the pain. I really just want to die ad rest. I am Atheist so I dont worry about the aftermath, or the boogy man. I just dont want to wake up tomorrow. The only thing keeping me alive are my daughter and 3 pups. However im close to coping and accepting that they will evetually get over it since they will have my wife to care for them. I dont know what else to day or do. I just dont care anymore.

i dont want this - kitty - Feb 20th 2013

im 17 year old and i hate life ive always thought about suicide but when i started this research paper every one chose cool topics but i chose suicide ive always been differnt and i hated it i dont want to live im still suicidal and i ever scents i start this project ive been showing signs bad im in love with death i tell people a lie everyday i hide the fact that i am my mom hates it  everyone thinks im liyng but im not the scary thing is i dont know wats holding me to be suicidal i guess i forgot or i dont want to think about it not all suicidal kids cut like i said im differnt.

i think i have mental problems.. - Alicia - Feb 18th 2013

i am 20yr.old female, just turned yesterday on the 17th... i honestly think my depression started when i was 8years old, when i.found out my parents were crack heads.. that emotionally runied me as a person or so i think.. before i turned 15 i was so mean to my parents, i would get so mad and angry sometimes over nothing... my parents would get mad at me and i would hide in my bedroom for long periods of time, writing how i feel, amd the main thing was about theit addiction.. at the age of 12 i tried to kill my self because it hurt me so bad... they would spend all their money, rent, food, laundry, ect.. on crack cocaine. and me and my younger sister would get mad often because we had no food... ever since 16 i was always being kicked out, staying at friends/bfs/family members.... never some where stable to live.. and everytime i went home everything would be okay for a while, about a week. then it would all start all over again. getting yelled at, being told your lazy, you'll never amount to anything.. life for me was like walking on egg shells.. plus, at grade five starting a new school.. for 4 years, there i was bullied since day one.. because i had an emo style.. though i never cut my self i just like dressing that way, my peers would bully me at recess, in class when the teacher would leave... always being told ugly, saying i have a mostache or i look like sponge bob cause i have a tiny gap in my teeth... :( people are mean... alot of that hurts.. this one time i was so depressed, at home and school life i wrote on my old old nexopia account that i would take a gun to school and blow my brains out in the bathroom... people made fun of that alot.. i got in trouble by police... i was only in grade 8... that whole year i had only one feiend that stick by my side.. and if it wasnt for her i probably wouldnt be here today. the great thing is.that after all those years shes still my friend and we do talk. :)now ever since 2011, ive.met the love of my life, things were so great,.we had a baby which she is soon to be 1 by feb 28th , and my biggest question.. why do relationships fight, even so as much as arguments about 4times a week (RECENTLY)... it really bothers me, like everytime that happens.i hide in the room like i am right now and i sometimes well all the times i cry and cry and i think about.cutting but i dont do it... like im a normal person.. i like to think... but everytime we argue i get so severly upset like i cry like a child... i feel like im unappracted.. im a stay at home mom i havnt worked in 2years and im so scared like i dont even knpw how to multiply or divied...(pls excuse my spelling, wrtiting from my smartphone.) i seem to stutter and i CANT EVEN say sentances with out screwing my and soumding like a complete retard to people i dont know... :( im afraid of.meeting new people... i feel like i.try and try my best at he for my child and bf but no matter what i get sh*t on and it feels like sh*t cause.i feel depressed...i lived a hard life, and the last thing i.expect is my bf to get mad or even his.tone of voice gets me so angry.. i dont know what to do.. i cannot tirn to my parents.fpr help.. i cannot turn to family for help cause either they live too far away or there fu**ed up.. sometimes my only resort.is to leave by my self my.bf can have my daughter, and i go live in womens shelter and get on my own two feet.. and as much as that sounds bad... i hate.it it makes me feel absolutely horrible... about my self... makes me.really depressed.

"the nature of suicide" - - Feb 18th 2013

I am a 39 year old female. My whole life people have told me I am beautiful and talented but I have never believed them and I have shied away from social events as I have never known how to deal with the 'aftermath' or 'postmortem' I put myself through, worrying about how I might have been perceived by others. I have always been hypersensitive about animal/environmental issues and my mother and sister bullied me relentlessly when I was younger, saying I was 'weird' or a 'freak' and this really damaged my confidence. My sister especially would not stop until I was in tears. They have their own mental health issues. My Dad, who was also a depressive and self medicated with alcohol, died 6 years ago. I was his carer to the end. His death had a major impact on me and I don't think I have ever truly recovered from the loss of a true friend.  I have self medicated with all sorts of illegal drugs, tried cognitive behavioural therapy, talking therapies, anti-depressants, etc, but nothing has worked. I am still me. I will always be me. I know I am completely useless. A waste of a life. Like others here, if it wasn't for my rescued animals, I would have long gone. Everyday I think of death, not life. This is no life, it is just an existence.

mental health - - Feb 17th 2013

Unfortunatley mental health care in the USA is very inadequate.  If you do feel suicidal and seek help at a hospital emergency room more than likely they have no mental health staff.  You will be kept in the emergency room for hours even days until a mental health professional can come to "evaluate" you.  You will then wait additional time to get in a bed at a mental health facility, you will have to be transported by ambulance (read large bill).  The mental health facility will be a joke and you will receive no real treatment.  One of the counselors that I encountered told me "I should just be happy--get a job at Home Depot." This unfortunately happended to me.  Not only did I not get any help but I had a very large bill to pay and no follow up care from the facility.  Please get help with an outpatient provider before you get in this dire situation.  Because I sought help in this way I'm considered high risk for insurance and now cannot get insurance coverage.

I don't want to live but I refuse to die - Nothing - Feb 17th 2013

I have attempted it many times, but it never worked. My mother thinks I'm crazy and I've lost everything and changed myself completely. I don't feel a purpose here anymore, but I refuse to let myself die. I don't know what would happen after I died. And I want to live to see what is to come. 

Tired of it all- - Tired-of-it-all - Feb 17th 2013

I've read other posts here, and i'm feeling the same way everyone else is, who is just tired of battling deperession. I'm in my 50's. I've contemplated suicide for a long time. In the past couple years life has gotten so bad, no one could EVER blame me! I pretty much have it planned out, however i (like a previous post)have three dogs who are my life, my very heart. The other poster mentioned their beloved dog, and how hard it will be for them to kill their dog before they take their own life, which is the only way- one doesn't want to leave their only 'children' without their 'mom'. That is the hardest thing; having to have them euthenized, then bring them home to bury them before i take my own life. Each moment with them is the only joy i have. To have to eventually do this when i gather the strength to, is the ONLY thing keeping me alive.  Thank you for listening.

Your thoughts and ideas and personality matter! - Bianca - Feb 16th 2013

I was searching about suicide for a school project when I happened onto this site.  I've been reading these comments and almost had tears fall.  I believe that the people who have been speaking here have a chance to survive.  Know that there are people out there including me that feel empathy for you, and love you.  Utah is a really good place to move to if you need an environment with kind people.  One of these comments touched me, about a woman who was born illegitamately, and believes she is ugly and unwanted.  She wrote it years ago, but I wanted her to know that she has touched me, and I'm going to report more on suicide, and try to make a difference.  I think that the number one thing that the people commenting need is love, and a purpose.  The young mother felt over whelmed by her children could look for help in childcare, or apply for federal aid.  There are programs, and scholarships for those that will just apply.  People, I'm not a hippie or gay, but I love you, and I believe there are others that love you.  Please don't hurt yourself or others by making the bad decision.  Think of all the good that you could do. Please stay.

i hope i helped - Lucas Curavic - Feb 16th 2013

alright, i have a tough goal of making everybody i know a little bit more happier about themselves, and this is my attempt. here i go.

All of the people who have commented on this document, be it small, big, tall, short, girl or boy famous or infamous i believe it dosen't matter.
i think that most of you will take on look upon this post and say to themselves, "oh, another inspirational post of somebody's success" but it's not. it's a tale, a story, a divine intervention. you could call it.
you may not want to read it, but i can tell you, you will anyway. something deep down inside your bod yis telling you that you want to, and probably should read this comment. because you know that there is a reason for it. just like there is a reason for eveything. there's a reason for the leaves to fall off the trees in autumn, there's a reason for the grass to change colour in autumn, there is a reason for you to be here and there is also a reason that you should read this comment and reflect unto it. not JUST read it, but REALLY read it, reflect on it, recode my every word and every sentance and discover it's true meaning, because what i mean by every word is not what i want you to think, but it in reality it is what you want to make of it.
i could say "go out and do something with your life"
and you could think "i'm going to master basketball, or karate or horseriding" it dosne't matter, but the underlying meaning of the sentance changes depending of the individual reading it. now this is why i wish for you to read and reflect on this passage. i know it might feel a little bit like school, but trust me, it'll will help, and if i doens't, you haven't read it well enough.

as a wise man once said, "if you have the courage to complete your goals, aim the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars". so go outside and look at the moon. and just look at it. and think to yourself. "if the moon was a person, would it have worked to get up there, and if it did, what would it have to do to be in such a high place???"

i'll tell you what it did, it worked. it worked as long as the day is hot, it worked until it's legs would fall out from under it, it worked until it had no energy left, he worked and worked and worked. he worked for his position, and he worked for him to be there, his position didn't just fall into his lap, he actually worked for it. 
because if you have ever wanted or sturggled for the something you wanted so bad, you have to aim for the moon, because even if you miss you will land among the cosmic array of suns, moons and stars. higher in all of your achievements then you could ever imagine. higher than anybody else who never had the courage to jump, and aim for something big, higher than the person you saw just last week, who only had the bar set right above his head. you will be above them all, and you will have earned that spot in the stars. whatever you strive to achieve,  even if you do fail, you will have achieved something great. it may not have been what you wanted it to be, but it will, be forever, something great. and you will remember this forever. so go and achieve something big. you might still be young like me, but who said that that had to stop you? So Go on, and do something great, because it's impossible to have lived without failing unless you lived so cautiously that you might as well have not loved at all.

even if you don't believe anyone can help you, even if you don't believe this post won't change anything, there is always someone in the back of the crowd, hoping that you make it. hoping that you come out of your misfurtune and sorrow and misery. that someone, is me. i may not know you, but i do knwo that the fact that you are depressed to the point of suicide is worth typing out this long message. again, i may not know you, but i do care. and i wish you all the best in your endeavours. 

you can contact me at my email, leave a brief description of who you are and what your story is, and i'll try my best fo help you. good luck everybody...i hope i helped...

DON'T - - Feb 16th 2013

If you are waiting for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it! Don't kill yourself I LOVE YOU! I REALLY DO! Please don't, don't give in you are stronger than you think! You are not alone! 

God is there for you I know it does not feel like it but He is! 

Repeat after me: God I need You more than ever and I need You to help me put all the pieces back together, will You please show me the way and lead me through this time of darkness, and help me to not give in.

i feel like a useless emotional freak - - Feb 15th 2013

Hi i need help i feel suicidal now. like i want to kill myself now. im serious. Im currently not studying, cos i stopped. i feel like a useless emotional freak. i hate myself im making everyone angry when im emotional, i cant control i just want to kill myself i hate myself so much.

Echos - - Feb 14th 2013

My depression started as a pre-teen around 12 years old. I'd often had times where I had these very low spells that made me have to sit or lay down for a few minutes. At 17 it started taking bit longer to get over. Minutes turned into days and I got a little more manic with my views on everything but luckly at that time I got help for it. I went to therapy & took medicine like paxil, wellbutrin, abilify, & some others. Unfortunately, I saw how easy for me it was to get addicted. It made me wonder is that what contributes to some suicide victims or maybe something was wrong with the medicine I was talking. After awhile I stopped getting depressed and started feeling normal until I kept getting a twich in my mind about not dealing with things like everyone else and started to become a major introvert. When it got really bad was when it wasn't a twich anymore, it became in a sence a sceam, \\

It's Going to be Alright - Monique - Feb 11th 2013

Please take time to read this please : Hi everyone i'm Monique, I have been depressed soooo much. If you scroll down you will see that I have indeed before posted a comment. I was so depressed I really wanted to commit suicide and I have tried several times, but then sometimes I would stop and realize that God is not done with my life. I am a very big Christian. I have known God my whole life and I chose to believe in him because I know in my heart that he loves me. I know bad things happen to people it happens to everyone just not really always the same things and in different ways, bad things does not happen because God wants it to happen it is because in has to happen. Just imagine how life would be without bad things, yes it would be great nothing to worry about it would be perfect, a little too perfect. God gave us a choice because he did not want to force us to be his friends so that's why bad things happens. He gave us a choice, people that murder and steal chose the wrong path but can be forgiven by God if they ask for forgiveness and mean it. God loves us no matter what happens or what we do. He so loved the world that He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins because He knew that His son would be okay, He knew that we would not. I know that some of you may not believe in God probably because of everything that happend in the past or is still happening. And I am really sorry that you have to go through all of this I know it is hard, but you can get through it. Each person has a soul, the boddies we have on earth is just something we use so that we can live on earth, but what is really important is your soul wich is reflected in your personality. And the problem these days is that people only look at your outside and don't even care about your inside, but that is what makes me different I don't care about your outside only about your inside because everyone is special and different and I appreciate that about everyone. My whole life people have used me because I am too nice and love to help people. But I know that everyone is not like that and I know that one day I wil find people that understands me. Guys I just want to say that everything is going to be alright. No matter what happens on earth it is not what's important. If you guys need someone to talk to you can Email me: monique.nell.1608@gmail.com

the hell that is depression, my story - justin - Feb 11th 2013

Depression is an overused word these days. People use that word if they are just having a bad day or feel a bit low.

I am male, age 38 and am suffering right now with the scariest thing ive ever felt, its is truly hell. What is hell is the feelings of suicide and wanting to end it all just to make the pain go away. I sometimes have 2 conflicting emotions 1: I want to die and 2: im scared i'll do something silly and just want to be happy

A bit about me. I would probably be considered good looking not that that matters but also would be considered bright and when im at my best people wouldnt know i have depression. I have suffered it from the age of 17 on and off and have had huge periods out of work drifting and doing not a lot and claiming state benefits. When i say huge periods i mean added up it could be 14 years or so, so i'll work a few months or 6 at the most then could be out of work for a year or more. Ive claimed benefits and pretended ive been looking for work but havent really.

Anyway: at the age of 29 i had my first proper relationship, got married and went on to have a son who is now 7. we divorced and now i dont see him much, hes  a 3 hour drive away with his mum and bf. 4 years after we divrced and after suffering depression because of the loss of that i felt ready to date and met a woman i fell in love with, we were together 18 months but i was out of work much of that again, she put no pressure on me about worlk and told me she accepted me for me though. Anyway last july after suffering insomnia much of last year and suffering low mood i dumped her and put myself on a dating site just a week later, i was deluded and thought id meet this perfect person to make my problems all go away. I was kidding myself. I was only on the site about a week

I missed my ex girlfriend so much and tried everything i had in me to sort things out with her i never stopped loving her, i poured it all out but she said her love for me died. I have gone on to lose over 2 stone in weight and have been suicidal most days for the past 6 months since we split. You see its not just because im missing her, this has brought everything that was wrong in my life into focus, years of unemployment through low lying mood and made me realise how much time ive wasted. Id be considered intelligent and people have said im good looking when at best but where does that get me if i cant find peace of mind?? i feel ill at ease most of the time. I did have one of the best years of my life in 2011 and some of 2012 t have lost it all again is almost too much

I have tried anti ds over the years and never found they workedm some making me worse. My mum says i should try exercise, and i should but because im not eating i find it hard to, though i should. I am on sickness benefit at the moment

I just want to say to people that there is nothing scarier than genuinely feeling suicidal where you've thought of ways to do it and wake up sometimes at 4 or 5 am and feel sick to the stomach with depression and want to jump off a bridge or similar. It is hell, absolute hell. I feel i will never get back to who i was at best in 2011. I feel guilt and shame at some things too and have had ocd in the past. I just want to be happy, im so sick of living this way.

To have thought id turned a corner in my life and made a lasting change to have gone back to this is hell, never felt worse in my life. I can deal with normal depression but suicidal depression is hard to bear. Torture

I don't think people cared - - Feb 11th 2013

I don't think anyone would really care if I killed myself, my family is horrible and recently a man decided to slander my name and have his friends harass me. I can't go anywhere in my town and he kept telling me I do do feel ashamed for the things you did. I'm not a bad person but I don't have many people in my life and I think if I did kill myself, I would be just as forgotten as I am now.

what i was before - michelle - Feb 7th 2013

i was a good strong christian before this the children and i worshipped god twice a week or more. i knew him i often fellowshippef with him. he would speak to me for as long as i renember. not in speaxh but in prayer and daily walks. i read the bible often for my iwn edification and read it to my children often family disvussions stregthened us. now im fearful to leave my roim ,read the bible or go to church. its taken my peace,live,joy. i was such a happy person full of life and energy. now all i feel is darknrss and anger. i dont like who i am. my mouth that enCouraged now destroys. help me please

I'm lost, angry, tired and want to give up - Michelle - Feb 7th 2013

after my children and i was kidnapped and abused over 8 months the fbi put us in a safe house for 7 months. it took time but i tried to feel safe again. its been close to a year since they sent us back home. at first i was terrorised since this is the house he took us from. then i started to relax a little still not going out much and nightmares were back so my sleep was deprived. i had to go to the peliminary hearing and face him even though the assisted district attourney was there and lawyers. it destroyed me mentally,physically and em  otionally. fir the firsttime in my life i questioned god. ive been filled with so much hatred,fear,anxiety. my own children dont recognise me. i dont know me. ive become evil. i hide in ny room everyday and scream at everyone trting to make them feel as bad as me. im a hirable Person

Mother of 2 shouldn't have these thoughts - - Feb 5th 2013

Im 30 yrs old. Im married, have a house, etc. I thought I had put the past behind me, and was ready to move forward. Lately the smallest things will set me off. I take my frustration out on my family. My husband does work alot, and I feel alone most of the time. I dont have family, and I have lost touch with alot of my friends. I had a baby a yr ago, and she cries alot. I feel like Im losing it. Its all coming together at once and I feel like I cant handle this, especially since Im alone alot. I really have no one to talk to, and the only thing that really does stop me from suicide is the 2 innocent children involved. How could I do that to them, after the childhood i had. Still, how am I supposed to raise 2 happy, healthy kids, when Im not right with my self. 

I just can't live being a disappointment to everyone - - Feb 5th 2013

I'm 34 and have 2 small children and a loving husband, what more could I want? 

I recently went through my second stillbirth, it was really dramatic and happened at home. I lost 2 ltrs of blood and nearly died on our way to hospital, it was horrendous. Then followed a series of hospital blunders that caused me to have a severe infection, followed by a reaction to the drugs I was prescribed. Unfortunately they doubled my meds by accident and this resulted in a severe depressive episode and a 2 week stay in a psychiatric ward.

Since coming home, everything is totally overwhelming and I am so angry about everything that happened. I honestly can't deal with how I was treated on the ward and I feel like I've let everyone down. I just don't see any options to get out of this. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. It's hell. I am currently sat in the bathroom where I lost my little boy a month ago and I think back to how I used to be. It's so sad. I am a shell of the person I was. What's the point? I can't see any way out of this. If I tell anyone, they will readmit me to hell and that will make things worse. If I don't, then I am worried what I'll do. Why can't I move on? I feel like I'm reliving the time on the psych ward over and over again. 

SUICIDAL? DONT EVER SAY NO ONE CARES - fernanda_palmaa (kik) - Feb 1st 2013

You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper infront of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t know where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody. It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all. No body cares, right? 

Well you thought wrong. It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 6:00 a.m, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her she doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?

8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right? 

Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right? 

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never. It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t. 

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life. 

Take a minute now, and think. 

If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable. If after reading this you still feel suicidal, there are people that can help you. 

There are teachers, parents, grandparents, neighbors, adults, councilors ~ they’re all there for you whenever you need them.

people care about you.

believe me on this; if no one cared, you wouldn’t be where you are right now. peoples’ love for you is what got you this far in life. they do care. yeah, sometimes arguments happen between you and another but that doesn’t mean they hate you. maybe you don’t think you’re someone’s best friend but maybe that’s because your best friend wants to be more than best friends. look at things differently because not everyone is against you. your family does care. your friends do care. I care, and so does the community. your life is precious and you shouldn’t take your life away because it will impact so many people. tons of people will be devastated. trust me.

I’m sorry I’m not good with advice but please, do not take your life away.

 

 

 

 

i need help - namith - Jan 29th 2013

i am in my 17 this year has not been kind to me i can bearly study for an hour i failed in almost all part of my life a feel iam totally out of control depressed alonely i serious need help by tom morning because i would be dead by eve lead a worthy life my friends good bye

Old People Want to Die Also - - Jan 26th 2013

Every suicide article I read deals with people under the age of 40. Well I'm on my way to 64 years old and I am considering suicide as well. Of course I am afraid, but that doesn't help matters at all. I am beginning remission for ovarian cancer and cannot understand how I can survive a normally fatal disease and be in the situation I am in. Can't work and do not make enough on disability to pay rent and utilities so I have to live with relatives. They think I am full of it whan I say things like I don't want to live anymore, especially like this. No privacy at all. No peace and quiet. Car is literally falling apart but Mom will help everyone but me. I asked her to co-sign with me and she refused yet she gives my useless half brother and is equally useless son money every other day for nothing. Right now the only thing keeping me alive is what to do with my beloved dog - There is no one who could take care of him and give him the love I can and he is so dependant on me but the thought of killing him along with myself is heart breaking to me. I have a few more months until the next disaster hits so I need to decide quickly. Maybe people who want to commit suicide are crazy - I don't think I am - I am just tired of beating my head against the wall just to survive. Survive for what? So I can be mierable and unable again tomorrow. It gets old after awhile.

I'm just scared - Sofia - Jan 25th 2013

I'm thirteen years old and I've had this fear about the world ending and wars erupting. I can never stop being scared and sometimes I just want to scream and cry and it seems like no one understands and I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. When I talk to my mom about predictions she's just like you will be better soon and she dose t even comfort me and when I talk to my dad about it I always think he's lying to me about the truth and I just feel like I want to get the death over with and I'm really scared about world war 3 happening and I just don't know what to do and I'm almost 14 and I want to be happy for my birthday but I can't and I can't take medicine or therapy because my mother says I don't need it so plz help me 

I'm scared and need help - Tim - Jan 21st 2013

I don't know what to do any more. My life is not mines. I don't know who I am anymore. I walk around all day like nothing is wrong but I'm living in hell. I can work at my job because I work around people and my depression, anxiety and panic attacks makes feel like I'm dying. People call me crazy because I don't like people or being around them. I'm a loner and I hate myself. HELP ME PLEASE

I don't know how depression feels and need to stop complaining..? - JMW - Jan 19th 2013

Hi, I'm 15, and I've always been told I don't know how depression feels and I just need to get over it? I've tried to be put on medication, going to the local mental hospital, talking to the school and a professional counselor, but no one seems to really care enough to want to help me. I went to the hospital a few months ago and was basically tortured because they FORCED me down to take blood without my, or my mother's, consent. All to be told "You don't meet TennCare criteria. You just need to go home." when I told the evaluator that I have suicidal and homicidal thoughts, I'm severely depressed, I'm severely bipolar, I have extreme anxiety, I'm schizophrenic and have psychosis.. I've recently just quit going to school. I know I can't drop out because I don't meet the state's legal age and I'm on probation from truancy from last year. I just want to quit and stay home by myself, I constantly have anxiety attacks at school and can't take it anymore. They hurt.. Yeah, the "counselor" at school is there but she never wants to see me. I always get excuses. She's not here. She's leaving. She'll see you later in the day. You name it I've heard it.. All I needed was 5 minutes in August when my father passed away and all I got was, "I have meetings and don't have time for you. Come back later." plus, even when I'm told I'll be seen later they never call me back down to the guidance office. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm at my breaking point and I'm so young so I know most people won't believe me but I really need help but no one will give me any.. I'm sorry if I've just ruined your day, I tend to do that a lot lately and I've lost plenty of friends due to being "too depressing" ..

if you need someone - riyan - Jan 16th 2013

well i'm a good listener if you need someone to talk :)

Just some thoughts on suicide - - Jan 14th 2013

People keep saying that, people who commit suicide or who are suicidal are selfish because they hurt their family by killing themselves or hurting themselves but really, if you're family really loved you they would understand that you're in pain and they wouldn't want you to live with that pain and wouldn't want you to have to continue suffering in this world- why should you have to stay here in this world when you don't want too, we're all gonna die someday any way So what's the difference- if anything they're the selfish ones for making you stay here when I hurts so much. You would've thought they would only put you through this pain if they hated you not if they loved you cause if you truly love something you let it go and let it be free. Maybe this just want meant to be... It makes sense to me anyway...

Living is for the brave, and the strong - - Jan 12th 2013

Life is... good and bad, it is happy, and it is sad

we... make the focus, we make it stay, good or bad

no one - gets the only, 'great life' ride

no one - gets the only bad life' ride

its not a matter of being on "your" side

yeah, i do not know what i am doing either... but those sayings help me some. 

 

Aftermath - Chelsea - Jan 9th 2013

A friend of mine commited suicide Monday. She had a husband and 3 children. She was an amazing mother. She suffered from mental health as long as I knew her. I have had bouts of depression for the last 9 years. I could somewhat realte but not understand. Every situation is so different. She felt alone, unappreciated, in constant pain. She's gone now. If she only knew how much she meant to this world.

Theres no way for people to understand what a suicidal person feels. Also, theres no way for a person who has committed suicide to understand the effect their actions have on the people in their lives. So many people are heartbroken. Three young children, a husband, family and so many friends who are left with a gaping hole in their lives that cont be replaced. Changed forever. 

Let someone help you. If you dont value your own life, value the lives of the people around you, until you can learn to love yourself. There are people that will help. Consider the aftermath, before its too late. Get help now. For the people who can't, the people who have been where you are but now it's too late. Survive this and you can survive anything. Get help now. If only I could have said this to her. You can still save yourself. Do it for her.

I can't live like this anymore - Monique - Jan 8th 2013

I can't live like this anymore, I am so depressed. I have 3 disorders, and it feels like my parents don't even love me. My dad has Autism and that just makes everthing worse, because he always says ugly stuff about me and I already feel so bad about myself and he does not even realize what he is doing and my sister is also always so mean to me and when my sister and my dad are so mean to me my mom just sits there, she does not even tell them that they should stop even if she can see the hurt in my eyes. I geuss she just loves them more than she loves me. And now I feel like who can actually ever love me, I have 3 disorders. And I just feel like a mistake when I'm home, I just can't take this anymore, and I don't know why this all had to happen to me. I always try to help people, not to get anything back ,but because I want to. I also feel so fat, well its probably because of emotional eating. I just want to kill myself, end it now. I have never even had a boyfriend in my life, nobody ever askes me out, but I also want to wait for the right one I don't just want to go for the first one that askes me one day. But I don't know if I will ever meet that person if I kill myself now. Sorry for talking in circles the whole time. Please don't think im weird.

I'm so tired.... - Libby - Jan 7th 2013

I'm tired right now, mentally, emotionally, but not physically! I want to run away from my husband, my family.. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember..up and down. I'm the world's greatest pretender...that's how I live my life..always pretending! Exhausting!! Dying inside...false happiness outside to my family and the world. The only one who knows the real me is my husband, because I take everything out on him..no wonder he has 'cheated' on me with another woman.. I caught him out.. He said it was nothing, he was just helping someone who needed help desparately..I wanted to leave, but didn't..forgiven but not forgotten...a problem for me and our marraige! My life story is not a pretty picture...I don't even remember anything about my childhood..It's a blank..I only remember living in fear of my father..been beaten and sworn at often. It's about choices, but I'm tired.

If you're suicidal, don't read these comments! - Ian - Jan 2nd 2013

OMG! Horrible horrible situations below. I read many of them and it made me wonder how anyone can have the strength to carry on with those kinds of trials.  you are better off youtubing some Kathy Griffin instead. Try to forget your troubles for a while until the dark feelings pass. If you can't laugh it off, then tell yourself it's okay to cry and let it out. Just realize it takes fortitude to deal with such dark emotions and therefore are a stronger person for it. And yes, you will laugh again, you will cry again, you will get angry again, and you will feel okay again. it's all part of being human. we're constantly feeling something, aren't we? So just go with the flow and know that this too shall pass. 

My Story - Gary - Jan 2nd 2013

Just Remember Death is not the end. Yes it IS there no god if your close don't work on your faith if you can believe in god you give up on this life. At my lowest time I started to believe in god I wanted to. Fortunately for me though agonizing bad at the time I had a new born daughter and new she needed me. Be very carefully starting antidepressants they will make you happy enough to kill your self. When your really down its you negativity that keeps you alive. A quick boost of seritonin has has ended many a child and teenagers life and adults too. I have a lot of broken parts cause from depression and a drunk driver. Currently my daughter 6 old enough to be my Friend and need me. I have found a docker brave enough to prescribe me with a large dose of oxycountin and a moderate dose of lexipro(a very clean ssri but as mentioned before great care must started going on) I have Peace of mind i live for every day I have left. I love life. I am seldom to depressed. Never suicidal but never supa happy either it like a holding pattern until i can get my life together you know??  Some thing to Do Something to hope for and some one or thing to love.  Find this and work it it and if you have enough health left to enjoy life a little you can 1000 times better then alto of you are feeling now. I have been there. I still crippled and in pain but i love every day And you all can too. oh I did 2 years counseling pretty useless she just helped me not kill my self at the worst. I am going to try a psychiatrist next. I think there are better drug options for me. I am really happy of Ritalin for eg but all our chemistry's are different. It takes a lot to get the right mix and don't believe in pot. I smoked for 20 years and never emotionally grew a day until i stopped. 

I AM SAD - LANNY - Dec 31st 2012

I cant believe all you guys who are hurting. I am not alone. But, I am. No one around me knows how I am feeling... I think I have been like this for too long that no one cares. This past Xmas I was so alone. I was just kicked out of my Bf's apartment the Weds before. He hates me so much and all I want is to be next to him. My family is so mad at me like if I wanted this to happen. I was in my car all these days. It is so sad and cold. I am so scared of my life because I do not see it going uphill. I miss him the first days I could not get a hold of him no matter what and I know I should not be calling him but I can't even sleep, I miss waking up next to him. I was so sad he didn't even call me for Xmas I was going to be spending it with him anyway. I miss his family. He called me a few days ago to tell me he was soo depressed and couldnt sleep etc... I asked him to please work this out because I was doing bad. He said no he just wanted to have breakfast to see how I was doing. We all know I am not doing good. Then it went to I will not forgive you as a lover (we had a drunken fight like we often do ) and hung up. I am lost. He also called me that early morning after, just to have me thinking all day and then have him later tell me that he was lonely and drunk. I do not want him sleeping around because hes lonely ... I sadly gave myself to him.... I told him I wanted to see him and he just said he needed to go and hed call me later.... he never did and here I am. Tomorrow his daughter will come home. And he told me he doesnt even know how to tell her that I was not coming back... I wish he just didn't I wish we could move past this. I can't stop thinking about him. He was my family best friend and lover. I pray..... but I want to talk to him now... I probably won't see him for New Years... but I wish I ended and started the year with him......

Done with it - Coward - Dec 31st 2012

I let a kid get hurt because I didnt have the balls to turn my brother in. I am breaking down. I quit my job and I have the end all set up. I have been depressed since eighth grade, and I have no reason to be. It is only a matter of time till I snap. I have episodes where I get angry and prepare to end it. The guilt has been eating away at me for a year and a half and I want it to stop. F**k life.

My husband hates me - - Dec 30th 2012

My husband is a smoker with copd who still smokes.  I had to leave work two years ago bc I had a brain anuerysm and needed surgery.   My husband got mad bc I was sick and cancelled my medical insurance so I can't get medical care anymore. I had to go back to work even though my doctors refused to release me to work. I just had to find a different job. I'm sick and I'm exhausted and I come home to all the housework and all my husband does is yell n scream at me. He told me over n over that he is going to get a gun and kill himself and make sure before he does that my fingerprints are all over the gun so that I go to prison for the rest of my life.  He says \\

Suicide - Billybob - Dec 30th 2012

Depression isn't a choice it just like being gay you can't fight it. It's just who you are. All day you see the world for what it is. Dark depressing hopelessness. All the while normal people walk around with heads in the clouds. Blinded by their happiness all the while the world is bacisly dying under the weight of all of use 7 billion. War death famine all around the world and no one notice it.

You'll never have a better job then Walmart you'll never be smart or rich enough to go to collage, you'll never find love when you don't love your self and when you are incapable of being happy, you will always fill like something missing. So you are damned to suffer in this life and the next. Funny how that works God makes you the way you are and then punish you for it. Even when it's his fault.

No matter just fight it as long as you can and when you can't do it any more. End it cause it was a fight you weren't ever meant to win.

Mental Health Pile Up 2012 - martha Medlock - Dec 29th 2012

Childhood emotional, physical, sexual abuse, through adulthood, tbi spinal cord injury 2004. This pile up at age 56 has landed flat on my  back and disabled, hopeless, no one will help me, everyone has walked away, family, friends even my own children. This is not living, have tried many ways to change to become a part of society again and feel purpose. Exhausted, out of ideas.

 

50/50 Chance I'll Be Back - Tom - Dec 25th 2012

It's officially Christmas. I feel as stale as last month's loaf of moldy bread. If it weren't for my amazing wife, I'm pretty sure I'd be looking for the exit. She's the only reason that I put up with living. If something happens and she's gone, I won't be far behind.

Daily struggle - - Dec 24th 2012

I\\\'m 23 and I have been suicidal for years. I used to cut myself stopped for awhile but having the thoughts And urge to do it again. I have talked about my problem to ppl. People act like they understand when I tell them about my problems but in reality they don\\\'t. My bf is right now the main cause of my depression and suidical thoughts. I love him more than anything in this world and I feel he does not feel the same in return even though he tells me he does and at times I believe him. I know I have the problem but I wish he would just act and showed that he cared for me more. I don\\\'t know how to live without him and that\\\'s also a problem because I have thought of leaving him but I can\\\'t. When he upsets me all hell breaks lose and I\\\'m ready to kill myself I tell him all the time but I guess because I\\\'m not dead yet he doesn\\\'t take me seriously. I just want to be shown that iam loved, cared for and to be happy. It just feels like I will never be.

Tired - Edward - Dec 23rd 2012

I've been through enough I've tried and tried to push on for my family and friends but I'm tired if being here for there sake and there sake alone I'm tormented everyday I'm here, there's npurpose in me being here but dead weight I'm a cutter I've never told anyone before but feeling the pain gives me momentary release from what I'm feeling inside, I'm just ready to stop hurting over my failed career, failed relationships, failed everything I try to do its overwhelming and I can honestly say I may not be here tomorrow

reply to the 26yo psychology teacher - onlyme - Dec 23rd 2012

I hope ur okay, talk to me? Everyone here is going through something similar, we should talk to each other. We feel alone yet there are so many out there, right here who feel alone. We have each other, if we allow it. We have the power to control how we feel and change things, we need too be strong. It takes a lot and it isnt going to be easy. Years worth of journeys but in the end it will be worth it and we will be happy. I want to see us find positivity. Do something today out of the norm that will make someone smile and come back and post it on here. Say how it made you feel, lets do this!

I wanna live to see tomorrow to better myself as a person, I want to make a change.

Suicide is Not Always the Result of Depression - Martin, MSW - Dec 22nd 2012

First of all, If the mental health community had the "answer" for suicide, rates would be on the decline. All of the medications (the USA is one of the most SSRI medicated nations on the planet), CBT therapy, hot lines, task forces, etc would have reduced the incidence of suicide.

Not only have all of these efforts not reduced the rates of suicide, but the rates have increased. In fact, year-over-year, in some cases, the increases have been double-digits.

In the mental health communities, this is not "popular" information to raise publicly. Yet the suicide problem rolls on, and the problem becomes larger and larger, year after year.

Some in mental health will even blame the clients for the increase.

If something is not working, logic tells us to look at something in a new way. The problem is, the mental health community--as is the case with most organizations and industries--drones on, while the problem they are supposed to treat expands at an incredible rate.

If SSRIs and therapies are not working, TRY SOMETHING NEW.

My kids - Stephanie - Dec 19th 2012

I am a young full time mom 24/7 non stop housewife. My child is the ones you dread when you go shopping or to dinner. My 2 year old cries about 90% of the day hes never happy my 5 year old whines about everything all the time. I cant go out because of them. I feel stuck and like my only way out is death. My husband doesnt understand he allways make it seem like I am weak or I am a monstor when I tell him I wish I could leave and never come back dont get me wrong I love them I just dread waking up in the morning.  

Im Just Thinking - hi - Dec 17th 2012

im not very sucicidal, but after being tormented and tesed for my entire life i have been kicked out of friend groups and lost a total  of 26 friends, all because i am fat and they team up on  me, or they are good friends but end up moving. so stopped talking to people and not be friends, and the teasing stopped a lot, but over the years i had become so used to not talking, i have become terribley anti social. even people see me as a quiet depressed guy they still find it in their heart to tease me and still think that i will be there the next week. if i hadnt of been tormented i wouldnt have this problem. but its un fixable. Im a A honors student but hey, what will one do with good grades if he cant even look people in the eyes or just be so on the edge of major FATAL choices.

reading these comments... - - Dec 16th 2012

it upsets me to see the comments about these people hurting, are whining or seeking attention.

depression is complete darkness in an abyss seeing absolutely no hope of ever getting out.

I have suffered this world for 42 years and I'm exhausted, I have nothing left to give this fight.

I tried everything that was recommended and there is no end to the pain except death, there are no more options to explore for me.The years going by in unending blackness only increase the hopelessness of it all. At some point I had to realize with perfect clarity, it isn't going to get any better.

I attempted suicide in July, I made sure I was far away from any help from my Plan. I have no idea how I managed to wake up the next day, delusional but alive...I have never felt such disappointment. But we learn from our mistakes.

and to all those that see people in this living Hell as nothing more than cockroaches-just remember, you can't pull yourself up by the bootstraps if you haven't any bootstraps to begin with and I hope one day you get a taste of how unendurable depression is.

Read this before doing anything rash - Dave - Dec 13th 2012

Before you do anything about suicide, please consider this. You may believe very strongly that those you love would be better off with you out the picture. That is what my late wife believed, and she killed herself to save us from the vegetable that she was sure she was becoming.

She is dead, and while she wanted us to move on with our lives, here is how it is really playing out.

My son is coping OK, he is 11. My daughter, who is 9 doesnt eat, doesnt sleep, hates going to school, and wont stay in our house if at all possible. She feels sick every time she enters it, and hence cant sleep in her bed. She has stopped learning at shool, and will have to repeat this year.She statys up really late, pouring out a torrent of hateful abuse at me. If this behavious continues into teenage years, her education will be wasted, and her life probably ruined.

End result is I dont get more than four hours sleep a night, Quite honestly, my life isnt worth living now, but I know that to kill myself would destroy my childrens life.

My daughter believes she caused my wife's death, hence the hate and self destructive behavious she exhibits.

The bottom line, is no matter how much you think your loved ones would be better off without you in the picture, YOU WILL DESTROY THEIR LIFE.

@no hope left - Helping hand - Dec 12th 2012

How would one go about contacting you? Talk to someone, don't slip into the dark.

So many people suffer. - Lyn - Dec 12th 2012

I'm sort of reading these posts. It's sad to see that so many people struggle with life, including myself. The only reason I stick around is my family, I feel alot of guilt about wanting to do it (suicide). I continue to try to find some sort of hope to continue, but it soon dissappears again. It just has been that way for me and my life. I feel tired of protecting others feelings from the affect of my death now.

No hope left - DG - Dec 11th 2012

On the off chance that someone might read this, I thought I'd check in. I am a 26 year old teacher of Psychology and Statistics from England and, as I write this, I am at the end. I cannot cope facing another day. I am seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist and I haven't even told him the true extent of my feelings. I live alone and have spent weeks thinking of and planning my suicide. As a last resort, please could somebody, anybody, give me advice? I am scared like never before of ending my life. To compound matters, I'm under weight and have major problems with food. This is not helping the situation. I'm gay and have long since written off ever having a family, and frankly it's all more than I can take. Sorry for the ramble. DJG

why am I still hear? - Nobody special - Dec 8th 2012

I am 49 years old and have "wished" I was dead ever since i realized my mother was my real mother. She never wanted me so my life basically sucked she should have given me up instead of threatening to do it. I used to wish she would. I used to imagine she stole me from my real mom like an evil troll. I hated her I am glad she's gone she was a bitch who hated me anyway. My father left because she was a bitch but he pretty much never wanted me either, probably figured i was the devils spawn.  I have never had any real friends I guess i'm too much of a POS for that. I have tried but I guess I am too strange for people or something I have physical flaws and I talk slow so I sound stupid and I am sadly smarter than many people I know. It makes it most infuriating to have people talk to me like i'm an idiot when they use words or phrases and have no clue what they are talking about. People tend to like to make me feel bad because they know I will never stand up for myself at work. I need my job its the only thing I have in my life. When all I really want to do is tell them to kiss the backside of me. I am no rocket scientist my any stretch but I am certainly not a dummy either. But I guess a young life of physical abuse and mental abuse and then marrying it make one a bit on the edge. I don't trust anyone, I tried a couple of times and got shit on for it. I have failed at most things in life even suicide. The only thing I can say positively is that all that I have I have because I made it happen. I am a survivor in so many ways and I don't know why. I don't know why people that are loved die and me the loser who has no friends and does nothing special in life is still here. I have attempted to volunteer  places and never heard back from them so I really believe there is no point being here. I am buying a house or at least i am looking and the one thing I want to buy it for is so I can finally end it and not fear anyone finding me for awhile. I feel like people only have to look at me and I immediatly offend them. I am not wealthy so i cannot have plastic surgery, I always thought being a good person was something special but I guess not. I know looks are not everything but when people hear you speak and assume your stupid because for some odd reason you talk slow or weird, they just make fun of you to your face and you have to deal with it because you fear if you ever really started to stand up and release and let them know how you feel you may never stop. I do think I could probably kill someone and not really care. I stopped caring about other people years ago I would say 2003 was the final straw for me. The final fake friend the final fake relationship I have probably gone out other than work or to the store maybe 7 times in as many years. I really am just rambling and do not care of spelling or grammar right now I am just releasing I need to I have no one to talk to, people don't take me serious anyway and they make stupid faces at each other when I talk because they think I don't notice, it's not that i don't notice i just pretend it doesn't bother me,. I went through school bullies even family members picked on my and made fun of me but screw everyone and everything for some reason i am still hear and if i don't find a purpose soon I will finally end it.. Honestly I think I was put on this earth for others to feel better about themselves,.... I really think suicide sounds pretty wonderful no more pain..... I have tried therapy, etc... nothing works. I am pretty sure they hate me when i go in because everything is so bottled up that i just release like a moron when i go in so I stopped bothering to try. Wish me luck that I am finally successful.. one less pathetic loser on the planet... Sorry for the novel but hey if this just proves to one person your life doesn't suck as bad as you thought then at least I did one decent thing in my life...

Maybe this will help - Linda - Nov 27th 2012

Until the last few years, suicide didn't enter my mind. However, I had several life events strike at once, some natural (lost both parents), some very abusive (my husband, my brother – totally different problems), and work related (working with an unethical boss who wanted me to lie to her team members for her to keep them working hard because they would be afraid they were losing their jobs – I refused, lost my job).It felt like a lifetime of abuse and sadness had descended within a short span of time. I am not sharing details because everything that happened was so bizarre, and you share the pain anyway.  It was more than was humanly possible to handle.

So, to test my assumption that no one cared whether I lived or not, just to make sure, I made a list of as many people I could think of who might care even a little bit about my death. The list included a childhood baby sitter (I still know her), former co-workers who became friends, musician friends with whom I had worked, and family. After making the list of possibly caring people, I rated each person on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 meaning that they couldn't live a happy life ever again if I killed myself. I was surprised to see how many on the list I believed would get over my death within a year or sooner. I was surprised to find any at the level 5, but there was one on the list. My death would destroy her happiness forever. That was my childhood baby sitter. Because of her, I decided to live. She already had a lot to deal with. About ten years ago, she was driving and had an accident that killed her husband, her sister and brother-in-law. As far as I know, she has never thought of suicide.

It's worth making the list and thinking about each person. If there's no one on your list above a two, then please try what I'm trying – try it anyway. I'm looking for support groups or people who are doing things (not drugs) that I also enjoy doing. I'm trying to take that one step even when it feels hopeless.  That step has to be a wise and well thought out step.Maybe when we put a bunch of steps like that together, we’ll get out of the funk and away from people who really don’t have the ability to care.

Suicide - Bob - Nov 27th 2012

I have Bipolar 1 disorder and on my meds. I lost my job due to long times of Depression and mania getting me in trouble. I have filed for Disability and turned down again. I have no income and soon to live on the streets of Charlotte NC. Awhile back I almost decided to commit suicide. Hey no one really cared if I did. I got scared and went to the ER. They did not admit me because they did not believe me. I now think killing myself is a good option for me. Why live with no job and no place to live. Most people tell me to hang in there but do not understand my disorder and the fact if I do become homeless and anyone messes with me. I will kill them without a blink.  So then will have a place to stay in prison. Oh and maybe death row. Oh man that gave me a great idea. So that is my take on suicide. 

to Dr Schwarz - - Nov 25th 2012

I have read through some comments - and your comment about emotional pain persisting for too long, means you are 'sick'. 

Surely then, it's normal to have emotional pain that persists without it being call 'sick', if the circumstances you have to deal with also persist?

I have had depression and anxiety (anxiety can get really, really bad - i've had panic attacks on and off throughout whole days in the past, and live with generalised anxiety everyday) since I was a child (not diagnosed until a break-down in my 30's).  I had suicidal thoughts growing up in response to a very unstable and anxiety ridden upbringing.  I thought this was 'normal' and never had anyone to talk to about this things.  I never spoke to anyone, actually I hardly ever spoke at all - there wasn't room for me to speak...there were too many other people wanting the attention (mother, brother particularly).   How could I have upset my mother even more by speaking out - what an idiot I was!  I was surrounded by a screaming mother and violent brother threatening to kill her - with me hiding in my room and my other breaking it up; when i was v. young.. i was rejected by both parents, which has continued into adult hood and unfortunately due to my sensitivities I have found it v. hard to form relationships, and now I'm 41 (female) and single without children, and have been grieving again over the latter for a long time too.  I have had to do everything on my own, no support or help (ever-  including when growing up - as I was palmed off to different people to be looked after, and no one ever helped me with homework or learning anything really...  I left school with  no qualifications, despite being reasonably intelligent.  I have since worked soooooo (too) hard to try and 'better' myself - this has included buying a house, getting 2 first class UK undergraduate degrees, and now having a 'professional' job.  As well as counselling, holistic therapies, yoga, antidepressants, etc etc etc. Unfortunately all this has left me with financial problems, which is another depression trigger.  I still have to 'deal' with a 'father' who never wanted to know me - I got  in touch with him once, and he just rejected me again.  I have never got anything from him, including a bday card - ever.  I have two brothers who live in different towns, one of them has 'disowned' his family, and the other distances himself - despite my trying for years to grow close to my nephew - I used to post him presents every couple of months, and constantly tried to arrange to do things with him/my brother - my brother has not reciprocated - he has had his own issues (drink) , but is now reasonably settled with a wife/son,lovely home, no longer drinks and does yoga everyday - he now has almost completely distanced himself from me, as well as my other brother and my mother.   My 'mother' emigrated - all she ever really wanted since I was 3 is to find a man, which she has - this was her priority always (not her children).  Their marriage  is v. unstable, they are contantly 'breaking and making up'.  My mum visited me from overseas once, and all I got was her crying because they just had an argument and were 'splitting up' again during the weekend visit (I don't think I'd seen her for about 2 years previously).  She is v selfish and then guilt trips me if you dare to say anything that would show her in that light. All she could say when I said pls can you not do this now, I really can't cope with it....was 'what about me?'.  Wow, it's always been about 'her. That sums my 'mum' up.  She will make out she is mum of century though - god knows how she talks herself into that one - as she hasn't been a mother to me, and others who have known her since i was little are quite disgusted with her. 

All these 'family' dynamics persist until this day - I have always (stupidly) thought that they would change, but they never have, and now i'm trying to actually accept i have no real family.  This makes me feel completely and utterly rejected, embarrased and ashamed - how on earth can i form relationships with others.  I've also left it too late.  I wish i'd put myself first (emotionally speaking) years ago, and then maybe i would have known my needs were to have a family and I could have 'created' one.  Now i'm going to be alone, childless, and i can't face a romantic relationship - who the hell would want me, if my own family never have? How can I ever explain my family history to someone else - it's too embarrassing and shameful, or let someone see the 'real' bitter and angry me (not the face I show). Not a nice thing to bring to a relationship.

I wish, so, so, so much that I could die peacefully somehow, but I don't know how.  I'm not a violent person, I can't consider a violent death, it makes me feel sick, sad and scared.  I also actually think there's discrimination about euthanasia - it is much more accepted for people with physical disabilities (but obviously controversial and illegal in the UK) - as it's not there to 'help' people like me who know they can't live with such emotional pain for the rest of their lives.  I can't imagine any physical disease being as awful as this life i'm living, but then i have never been in those shoes - possibly more so because emotional pain is invisible and there is a massive stigma associated with it.  I wouldn't be abandoning anyone. It really wouldn't make much difference to my 'family' as there really has never been relationships there anymore, so i can't 'go on' for them...i don't have children to 'go on' for - i really wish did, that would give me a tonne of motivation.     Tho, I can't also deal with the emotional pain, anger, envy, resentment, ungratefulness, victimhood, bitterness, hurt, heartbreak, loss, grieving over what never was or never will be (ie. a family of my own).  I'm fuming as i feel like my so called family has ruined my life.  I would have been better off been fostered or adopted. Relationships/love at the end of the day is what life is about , right?  Antidepressants are not the answer - they are NOT a family replacement - they are a pill - not a relationship with another human being.  they can't get rid of the severe, empty loneliness, that i have had all my life, that prevents me ever having relationships of my own, due to the shame.

There is nothing for me. I would get a dog for some company, someone to look after, something to be grateful for, to motivate me to get up, but I can't do that either, as I have to go to work everyday to pay bills and debts, and dogs need company.

There is complete and utter pointlessless to living my life, nothing and no one to live for.  It is a complete lack of insight of others to call me selfish for wanting to end it...wow, i spent my whole childhood meeting the emotional needs of others (by not ever expressing myself or expecting anything from anyone) at the expense of my own, people who don't give a shit, or who said they 'cared' - but saying something and acting on it is completely different. How stupid was I. 

There is no answer - well there are 2 - commit suicide or continue to live in emotional pain.  The former I cannot do without help or advice (which is obviously not something I can ask for).  The latter is my reality then.  Thanks so to those who brought me into such a wonderful world - you selfish b.....d's.

wow you think your life sucks - - Nov 21st 2012

I'm 25 years old male from Fort Wayne, IN. I am really ugly. I have really dark circles underneath my eyes, worse then I've ever seen on anyone. I've always been made fun of for that my whole life. "Dead eye", "zombie" etc... I'm really skinny too. like 5'8" 115lbs. I've had one serious relationship that lasted 4 years, then I found out she had been cheating on me for most of that. and not just with 1 guy, it was probably closer to 10 guys. I actually walked in her fu**ing some other dude, and that literally destroyed me. That was 3 years ago, and I haven't been with a girl since. I started taking more drugs then ever, and ended up in the hospital 4 times from Heroin, and combining lots of other heavy stuff. I spent weeks in mental health clinics. Nothing seems to work. I now owe the hospitals like $40,000 dollars. I feel like I have no where to turn, my mom and stepdad kicked me out when I was 18 and don't want much to do with me. My dad lives in Texas (I'm from Indiana). I just got out of jail 5 months ago, where I spent 30 days for a DUI, and failed a few drug tests because if I'm not high I REALLY want to kill myself. Right now I'm living in a boarding house. I sleep on a really uncomfortable cot every night. I really miss my queen sized bed and girlfriend. Every night the woman across the hall from me takes a huge sh*t in the bathroom next to my room, and I can hear and smell it, it's so foul I almost vomit. I only make 8 dollars an hour in a stressfull kitchen, and can't even afford my own apartment. There are no good jobs ANYWHERE. I was layed off from the only good job I've ever had 5 years ago. My best and only friend for the last 9 years is in rehab for heroin, and even I can't trust him anymore. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I got herpes from this fat chick I slept with last month. I was really desperate and lonely, and now I have cold sores breaking out all over my lips. I know I should get tested but if it comes back positive I know I will kill myself.

100% over life - Worthless - Nov 16th 2012

My whole life I feel like I have had nothing but bad luck or done something wrong countless times, Im 21 years old with only a couple of close friends (which I understand is all I need) Haven't had a girlfriend since I was about 17 and no chick would want to be part of my misrable life and I understand that. my family.... I choose to never involve myself with and they are now border line hating me for it but I just cant bring myself to be a social person I am extremely and I mean EXTREMELY!! depressed I wake up in the morning  and the first thought I have every single day is suicide I have poked around sites and other forms of infomation on how to do it but I am too much of a coward!!
I abuse drugs to take the pain away and recently lost my lisence for DUI which has made everything feel so much worse, I find it so hard to sleep or eat and I've lost heaps of weight.
Im so angry with myself but the hate I have tops it!
I have in-depth dream like fantasies all the time of commiting suicide and the outcome of it on my family and I dont care at all about leaving them behind it's not like they have really lost anything is it?
This is horrible that I have made my own life like this! I don't feel good emotions anymore I may pretend that I am happy or excited etc. but there is nothing and I find that unusual?
I finally give up.. I am such a F***ing loser and I know it. I am a selfish waste of space that does not deserve this gift called life anymore.

33 and Scared - - Nov 3rd 2012

I just happened upon this site while considering my own recent losses and saw Nina's post from Oct. i may not be 45 but i am middle-aged considering I never thought i'd get past 60. I too have lost everything in the past few months and have fallen deep in debt. To top things off I got a DUI on Thanksgiving Day for which I have to wait for court to even find out what else i'm gonna loose. The ludicrous job I've managed to keep doesn't help me with my debt and it takes every bit of energy to get on the 2 buses I take there and back every day. I too have moved back in with my folks. I hear you Nina - isn't easy. I feel like i'm teetering on the edge of life and that any moment could be the last but sometimes I just wish I had a real friend to talk to. I lost all my friends not that i ever had any to begin with. Maybe i'm just getting it all out on here but i wish it was easier to manage and easier to be happy again even though when i think of the word 'happy' now i shrivel in disgust b/c i'm that distant from it. I guess all that i wanted to say to Nina is, your not alone and it may not get better fast but maybe it will someday get better and do we really want to miss that. It's not a question, just maybe a silent hope. Good luck to me and you and anyone else who feels this way.

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