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Introduction to Abuse

Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Mar 16th 2016

Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being. Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will.

Abusers control and compel their victims in a variety of ways. They may verbally abuse them by calling them names, tell them they are stupid, have no worth or will not amount to anything on their own. They may become physically violent, inflicting pain, bruises, broken bones and other physical wounds (visible and hidden both). They may rape or sexually assault their victims. Alternatively they may neglect dependent victims, disavowing any responsibilities they may have towards those victims, and causing damage through lack of action rather than through a harmful, manipulative action itself.

Abuse is a commonplace event in modern times, taking on many different forms, including physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse, occurring in many different contexts, including the home (domestic violence, spouse rape, incest), the workplace (sexual harassment), and in institutional (elder abuse, bullying) and religious and community (hate crime) settings. It touches victims across the lifespan from children through elders. Abuse is a serious social and cultural problem affecting everyone whether as a victim of abuse, a perpetrator, a friend or confidant of an abused person looking for ways to be helpful, or simply as someone who is angered by injustice and wants to work for positive change.

If you are currently being abused, or have been abused in the past, you should know that you do not suffer alone. Right now millions of people around the world struggle to maintain dignity, safety and self-worth in the face of ongoing abuse. Millions more people struggle to recover from wounds they have sustained during past abuse. You should also know that help is available for victims of abuse, although it is not always easy to access. Community abuse resources (such as domestic violence shelters), mental health professionals, law enforcement, and various other organizations, websites and printed resources can provide instruction and assistance for people who need help removing themselves from abusive situations.

Victims of abuse often find themselves dealing with serious psychological and physical consequences of having been abused. There are various forms of counseling, psychotherapy, medical and self-help resources available for people who have been abused and want assistance and support for managing problems and issues they have developed as a result of being abused Such post-abuse issues are sometimes called 'abuse sequela' by health professionals. While no therapy is capable of erasing the effects of abuse, such resources can provide real and meaningful assistance in helping to minimize the negative effects of abuse. Helpful abuse-related resources can be found throughout this document, in the appendix of abuse-related resources provided at the end of this document, and in the lists of other (non-document) resources collected within this abuse topic center.

Some people aren't sure if they are being or have been abused. They may know that they have been harmed, but they may think that they deserved that harm, for instance, or perhaps think instead that some degree of harm is acceptable or reasonable, or just inevitable. Though it is not possible for us to give you a definite answer to any questions you may have about what is abuse and what is not abuse, consider that people who haven't been abused don't tend to spend much time wondering whether they have been abused, while a many people who have been abused (or are being abused) do wonder about it. If you are upset enough to wonder about it, it is likely (although not definite) that you have been abused. We'll explore the definition of abuse in greater detail later in this document.

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Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

TO A WORKER WHO HAS REFERRALS - Ashley blackfoot - Dec 2nd 2011

my name is Ashley im  a single middle aged woman. i have read other people testimonies, and it saddens me. but yet not giving up and for see your vision in life will make you a stronger intity. i, to, have suffererd and struggled for four long years of being on the streets. it started 2004 having to leave daytona from the Ivan hurricane destroying my home,and  family pictures. i hitchhiked and in the process having been ganged raped and tortured.  managed to hitch to dyersburg tennessee to see my grandparents who have rasied me. during the 30 month stay my granny had died and  my grandfather blew his head away in front of me,causing me to go into a psychosis state. i then hitchhiked back to michigan to try to reconcile  with my daughter. i chose for her to have a better life and she was placed in a better home. her b-day is on christmas day. 12/25/92.i got off the greyhound bus of being on there for 38 hours and blood and blisters on my feet from walking. my daughter dosent want anything to do with me ever. and had sabatoged me with her hateful words. i went through deep, deep, dispair, and melencholy. and at this time was hospitalized with canatonic episodes. slept under a bridge because the lack of help with agencies for shelters told me to sleep outside in my tent. i again for the fourth time was ganged raped by 3 men. i was hospitalized and became a client with Community Mental Health in Cadillac,and in Traverse city. i had moved to Lansing. i and have been living here for one year and 8 months and have been refused to be a CONTINUED CLIENT with Community Mental Health in Lansing. my records have been transferred here and had 4 appeals. there reasoning no funding. Im needing a case manager in  the mental health field. been toTaylor Life Center, and so on refusing to case manage for me, or with filling out  papers.I have been diagnosed with systemic Lupus and recieve predisone injections, trigger point injections,cortio steroid injections not to mention the 30 pills daily for my depression and in the E.R. every other month.Im without a car no family in which they are all dead in heaven. but my distance daughter. i walk and me sick. i have done so much for the community with the komen breast cancer walks, the Womens Center walks, and Lupus walks in Ann Arbor. please if someone is reading this, may you  help to assist me with networking, calls or names and #s to begin. im requesting for a Mental Health case manager,advocate, phone calls, and counseling. been to 10 in Lansing and this is life threating with my health and my p.t.s.d.

 thank you so much and god bless.

Ashley Blackfoot.


I didn't realise I was being abused till it was too late! - Jo - Oct 21st 2011

Just over a year ago, my husband (now ex) was arrested on a charge of rape.  My whole world turned upside down when the police turned up at the house.

He'd been living a double life for years and having multiple sex partners. He is now serving 14.5 years in a sex offenders prison for a reduced charge of sexual assault and robbery.  The police treated me and the children like criminals during the investigation, and didnt offer any advice or help. In fact they made me and the children leave the house for 3 days whilst they conducted a most soul, destroying, and privatly invasive search of the house - breaking and taking many things belonging to myself and the children.  I have just managed to get some of these items back only 3 weeks ago!

Victim support found out about our plight, approximately a month later, and came to our aid. As a result more organisations followed suit and I now have counselling.  Through the many questions it was discovered that I had mentally blocked many years of domestic mental abuse by my husband. He had groomed me from the age of 16 and controlled my life to the extent that I now do not know who I am anymore.  He had cleverly put me into a position where it was easy for him to hide what he was doing behind my back.

I was victimised and was told of mine and the children's impending eviction the day after the arrest - we were expected to leave the premises on New Year's Eve.  I couldn't find anywhere to live, and the landlords progressed with court action against me!

I found somewhere in January, but the new agent is harrassing me (she doesn't know about my past) but she is a really nasty lady - and I'm constantly worried that eviction will be forthcoming.  The local housing department are not concerned with mental disability, only physical disability, and I do not hold out much hope of a secure council home for myself and my children.

I have now been diagnosed with PTSD and awaiting EMDR sessions. I have nightmares every night of him, his crime, and his affairs and flashbacks of the night of his arrest and the police prescence in the house. I have suicidal tendancies, and my son is also now showing signs of severe depression too - he is full of hate, which is unfortunately directed at me and being vulnerable isn't helping me at all. I have tried to maintain a normal environment for my two children (as they have been though the worst 12 months of their lives). But it's difficult trying to be a now single mum with severe depression.  Even the (what used to be simple tasks) are almost impossible to do. I have a problem opening post, as I am frightened of receiving more bad news!

I had received support from Women's Aid, and attended a support group for a while. Unfortunately the other women (who had suffered physical abuse) were blind to the fact that abuse comes in many forms, and they aggressively emotionally abused me during a session (amongst some very nasty comments, they told me they could not empathise with a wife of a rapist) which resulted in me leaving the group in suicidally major distress. I have not received any further help, or contact, from Women's Aid!  It took me a long time to be convinced, myself, that I'd been on the receiving end of mental abuse - so I realise that it must have been hard for the other women in the group to understand it too!

Nothing gets done around the house, the curtains remain closed and sometimes I have difficulty stepping foot outside.  I have a good NHS Health Trainer, but she is concerned that my depression has deteriorated! I'm finding that drink is my only comfort at night, and I appreciate I may have a problem.

Feeling quite low tonight, as I do many nights... but am trying really hard to get better - for the kids sake more than anything - they've been through enough without having me to deal with too!

I have read some of the other comments - and fully understand the feelings that come with the mental abuse they have suffered - which encouraged me to write about my ongoing experiences!

What really makes me angry is that severe mental health issues are not recognised as a disability - even though it affects our daily routine as a physical one would.  There needs to be more awareness!

I hope you have been able to take the time to read this.


A response to Ashley - Paula - Jun 26th 2011

Ashley, I am sorry to read that you have been having so many problems, if you want you may e-mail me.  I am a 40-something mother of 2 teenagers, I am also a psychology student, I would like to be a therapist in the future.  If you want someone to vent to I'm here and will help the best I can.



Help me! - Ashley - Jun 13th 2011

I'm just so confused and lost. I don't know where to turn to talk to someone. I have been in and out of counseling. I'm currently in Sexual Assault & Crime Victims counseling but it's never enough and I even screwed that up by forgetting one of the appointment times until after the fact. I wanderessly roam into chatrooms and sometimes try to talk about my problems there but then only get ripped apart and sometimes called a liar. I just want to talk about my whole life because it has been one chaotic incident after another. I feel like I can't connect to anyone and I don't have any friends. I don't even know how to begin making friends anymore. Can someone just refer me to somewhere I can talk to someone about my life? I have been sexually abused by my father, mentally abused by my mother and former boyfriends. I do destructive things. I don't have the ability to go to a mental hospital because I have a son and I need to stay strong to stay out of the hospital for him because I am really all he has. I just want to talk to someone! I feel like I am just stuck in this oblivion of being unhealthy and having unhealthy thoughts. Please help me. Thank you if you have even bothered to read this.

Healing from Abuse - Amy Dunbar - Jun 8th 2011

I have been through a lot and have found healing after many years.

If you are struggling, please check out my FREE ebook Inching Toward Freedom -

You don't have to let abuse define you!


Amy Dunbar

Parents - ben - Apr 10th 2011

Hello my name is Ben and here is my situation


I have always been over protected by my dad,the most, but also my mum.

I have always been a happy boy ,but what i dindn't realise was that i had been brainwashed by my father and my mother so much that i was totally isolated.

It was like my dad's world in fight with my mum's world , that weren't even real, that was brainwashing.

I got older and , I have always been very very smart, I began to realise when I was like 12 that something was wrong.So yes , I began complaining about why my father should be that overprotecting.

I remember beeing with my friends at the age of 11 and him by my side. I t was terrible and embarrasing!


But then it began with the worst kind of manipulating and mental abuse: Criticising, shouting, and making my self-worth lower and lower.

I had a period where i decided, against all odds to get free of that but was only 14 and couldn't help falling in the cave again.


I'm now 16 nearly 17 and I am in this situation:


Finally I got my freedom by having a girlfriend that has helped me a lot letting me know how things really are , a close friend of mine, and the possibility i had to travel by my own and in that way let me know that I can stand for my own.


The thing is that their verbal abuse is that hard that is really making me insane.

I don't do anything,and I'm called: You are crazy, you have to go to the psychologic, you have got a problem you can't do anything alone. My dad monopolize my time by asking me 1000 quiestions and saying that's better I stay with him cause then things work better out.

He is so DEPENDABLE of me mentally.. that it has become I think his only way to survive because he dont have any friends , and even his parents can stand him.

My mother will be also like my father but she insults me and ridiculize me in a very hard way.


The other day I said now is enough I'm gonna face them and turn the situation against them( but in a very discret way with their own medicin) and, I dont know how I could be so smart and cool that I won.

You could see their faces beeing less and less dependeble of me and how they didn't like it.

Of course I was told the most incredible things a parent could tell his son and of course liying after to the other parts and always anulating every thing I say.

I just had to sleep at my grandmother's three days ,when my father thought of taking me back again and lyied and wrote letters(10 pages) to all of the family.

Before, I didnt have the support from them because they have also been brainwashed by him , and it is my mother they will always support her.. So everybody got mad at me and accused me of beein a liar and of not wanting to make peace with my parents.


This is just so pathetic as it could be.

I want my freedom. I feel closed, no one support me and they say Im insane and the that I'm the worst son they could have had.

I have a very clear brain and I know who I am and what's going on, without any help.

The question is , I know when I get 18 I'll just move but, what can I do until then?

I dont want to be abused that much, it's a horror, I dont want to allow them to that and destroy my social life and just all of my life,but if I go my own way without beeing abused my whole family will get very mad and I wont have a place to be in or eat or anything.

But really I dont want to shut up and just wait 1 year.

I want changes but can't get them across.

Please give me some tips and support I really need it

My sincere words


my brother who is bi polar schitzo has abused me - dustin - Mar 12th 2011
hi my name is dustin my older brothe is a bi polar schitzophrinac & ever since i was in 1st grade my older brother has tried to kill me playing sports having freinds & just being a kid he broke my ankle twice & he tried to asualt my lil brother and i snaped on him trying to save my brother who is 2 years younger my abusive brother is 5 years older than me & im afraid to have a romantic relasionship with a girl becuase i dont wanna bring any 1 else into my life & risk him hurting her &how to breakout of him

abused - Amanda - Mar 2nd 2011

Im still with my husband we married in dec of 04. my family tried to tell me he was bad but i was young he was sweet, and loving. he was verbal abusive at first then went to a few hits here and there while i was pregnant with my first baby. never knew he was just getting started after my first son was born the beatings started and went for a year and a half jail twice the 2nd time i though helped as it as been 3 years now since he has beat me and i just had my 2nd baby and he almost daily verbal abuseing me. when i was pregnant with my 2nd son he always said he cant do anything to me because i was pregnant.

Assaulted by a friend - Natalina - Jan 2nd 2011

This past month I was assaulted by a girl in my class.  We had met in class and had a friendly relationship for 2 months when I noticed that she and my boyfriend were secretly meeting eachother. 

This problem lead to ending the friendship.  With a few more classes left, the girl in my class and I never spoke a word to eachother until the last night of class.  After a quarrel in class, she followed me outside and punched me in the face.

There was a witness who saw the whole incident.

There was also a witness to the argument that went on in class,

The girl who punched me was charged with 3rd degree assault and I got an order of proctection, but thats all I know so far.

Im just really scared, really depressed about the situation.  I have never had to leave with this before.

Beautiful Blade - Kellyn - Nov 10th 2010

She can hide her pain with that beautiful shining blade!No one understands why she does the things she does. She doesnt hide her scars anymore. She doesnt even care! Laugh, Stare, Call her names. Run from her, dont try to love her! She doesnt feel anymore. Her feeling are numbed from the worlds hate. She doesnt hear the names you call her she doesnt see you run. She only hears the blade calling her. Her closest friend whom she confides her feelings too. She can let the pain flow slowly out of her without bringing anyone else pain. She just wants to act like she's "fine" because she doesnt want to bring them down. So she spends her days, with her beautiful...shining...blade

Dr. Dombeck's Note: This is a bit graphic for a post for us to let through but it does express a sentiment that some sizable number of readers will relate to - the urge to self-harm.  For more information on the subject, check out my essay "six reasons why people self-injure".  To discuss this issue with peers, please visit our self-injury forum

what can i say or do to help my best friend? - dan Flynn - Oct 14th 2010

what can i do or say to help my best friend she in a abusive relationship,

marriage ?


Sexual Assault on Special Needs Girl by Special Ed teacher - Dar - Jul 23rd 2010

This is a letter I sent to the TEA, in Texas:


Hi, I have a 13 yr old daughter with mild Down Syndrome.  She made her first ‘outcry’ of sexual assault by her Special Ed teacher May 21, 2010. My husband and I had suspicions that this may be going on, but without the actual ‘outcry’ from our daughter, we weren’t 100% sure. Once our daughter starting speaking out about what had been happening to her (mind you, these events only seemed to take place when this teacher was alone with her, which were scheduled times every day, as stated by the teacher herself). We’ve had multiple meetings with the school: director of special ed, the principal, even the teacher prior to the first ‘outcry’. We even told that teacher that she was not to be alone with our child ever again, said it twice, in front of everyone I have listed above. Upon my randomly showing up at the school, unannounced, at these scheduled ‘alone time’s, I was able to substantiate that the teacher did in fact have ‘alone time’; this was even after our statement about her not to be left alone with our child ever again. We called the police dept the night our daughter started speaking out.


 An investigation was conducted. I don’t feel that the investigation was unbiased, because the teacher in question is friends with:

                              A) the principal (on Facebook) and her own statements to me on several occasions

                              B) the director of special ed (also on Facebook)

                              C) drinks and parties with her classroom aid, (I have pictures that the teacher herself has posted on   Facebook to substantiate this)

                              D) the teacher herself has multiple albums posted on Facebook of herself drinking and partying with individuals (thus showing very poor judgments)


My daughter is terrified of this teacher. I pulled her from school in April when my husband and I had strong feelings that something ‘inappropriate’ was going on. We homeschooled her for 2 weeks until we met with those listed above. We were guaranteed that our concerns would be  handled and dealt with. It wasn’t long before we noticed that nothing had changed. We had specifically stated that the teacher was no longer allowed to change our daughter’s clothes (many times during the year, our daughter would come home in different clothes, not always her own clothing) and seldom was there a note in her communication folder telling us anything about this. We told them from then on she was to be taken to the nurse, where the nurse would ensure she was changed, it was documented in the nurses notes, and I was to be called. This continued to not happen, and I had the ‘last straw’ when my daughter came home from school, so upset, I couldn’t even get her to tell me why. She had her arms wrapped tightly around her chest and her chin was all the way down onto her chest. Upon my speaking to the principal, late that afternoon, the principal told me that the special ed teacher had brought her to the office (they were alone together), this was during the 50 minutes of ‘alone time’, from 8:50- approx 9:45 AM, where the principal told the teacher that my daughter’s clothes did not meet code. (I measured her shirt straps, they were 2” wide, her skort was only slightly above her knee, well below the ‘dollar bill’ rule). He had the special ed teacher change her clothes, as per his statement to me. Since my daughter had her own clothes on when she came off the school bus, the principal and I deduced that the teacher had changed her back at the end of the school day. I asked the principal why she hadn’t been taken to the nurse, as we instructed them at our latest meeting. He apologized to me, said that they had made a mistake, apologized for not having her taken to the nurse and for not calling me to inform me of clothing change, etc.


During the police investigation, now the principal is saying that the teacher was in meetings all morning of the day in  question (which we know she wasn’t because he had told me so on the day listed in the paragraph above), and also that NOW there is a note in the nurse’s office saying that she was taken to the nurse by the aid and changed there (there was no such document on the day in question, because he had told me this also)


I took my daughter to the Children’s Advocacy Center and had her interviewed (forensically) on tape, while 2 investigators watched from another room. The one investigator was from CPS and the other was the police officer in charge of the case. When it was complete, the CPS investigator told me that ‘she was very specific, and what she couldn’t say, she drew pictures and wrote the words underneath. He also said, prior to the interview and afterwards also, that this kind of assault is almost impossible to prove because there isn’t usually any physical evidence (like bruises etc) and because of that, he couldn’t take this to the DA.


My daughter’s statements are that this teacher touched her on her breasts, down her back and on her private part (showing me by pointing to her genital area). She also says that this teacher ‘spanks me’. She continues having trouble sleeping, making statements like ‘I scared’, when asked why she says ‘bad person’ and when asked who that is she says that person’s name. And any time we are out and about, ie near the school, down the street at the Subway shop, etc. she is terrified. She grabs onto me, she buries her face into me, and cries, saying ‘I scared, I scared’.


I could go on about this, but I think you get the general idea of what has been going on. The school has basically ‘poo-pood’ this. The teacher remains on campus, even taught summer school, and yes, to the special needs kids. Some of these kids, like my daughter, can’t speak for themselves, or at least not well. I feel as though the school has given this teacher permission to do whatever she wants to our special needs kids and get away with it. There’s nothing protecting our kids anymore. The director of special ed and the principal are supposed to be her voice while at school, since her parents aren’t usually there. But, now we have to send her, terrified, back to the campus where that teacher will be. And even though she won’t be teaching that particular class next year, she will be on the campus, and my daughter then has to be subjected to running into her/or seeing her, thereby reliving her trauma over and over again.


Why is it, that just because my daughter has a disability, she doesn’t get the same protection as a ‘regular ed’ kid? I feel so strongly that she is being discriminated by because she is disabled. How can they keep a teacher on staff that has done something like this to a child. My daughter has been in this school district for 10 yrs, since she was 3. I have been a volunteer at this school district for the past 7 years, I’m on the sub list. And I too am disabled, in an electric chair. Are we being discriminated because they don’t think that we are able to fight for our child?  This teacher is a brand new teacher, straight out of college, 24, with no work experience. How is it that the school will take her work over ours? We have a good reputation in this community and wouldn’t make these statements if they were not, in fact, true.


I am trying to follow all the appropriate steps to have this teacher put on probation or removed completely. I have a scheduled meeting with the district superintendent, this coming Friday, July 9, although I must admit, I don’t expect him to be of much help. I feel that he will probably fabricate whatever he can to protect her also. I don’t understand it, what ever happened to those people that went into education because they loved the kids?


I’m aware of how ‘swamped’ your office is and how much of a ‘backlog’ you have, but I would really appreciate if you would take this case seriously and help me fight to get this woman away from other children. We need to protect these other kids from her. Just how far will she be allowed to go before she causes irreparable damage? My daughter has loved school since she was 3 yrs old, and now she terrified. I may have to home school her next year because this woman is still there. That would be such a travesty. My daughter has the right to a public education, and the right to feel safe while doing so. She doesn’t feel safe anymore, and the school is not taking this seriously enough to keep her, and the other kids, safe.



abuse - serena - Jul 10th 2010

I gain a lots from these.

harasment and abusment suck! - - Apr 28th 2010

i realy don't no y people would abuse little kids or anyone else for that matter. anyway, we gotta stick up for what is right! if you see or heard anything about it then report it! don't stand by when someone is being harased, stand up!

Small Child Witnessing Abuse - Witness - Apr 19th 2010

I dated this guy who has a 2 and a half year. This has been by far the most abusive relationship I have ever been in.  He banters back and forth with his ex-wife, which takes up an entire day of his work.  His daughter is always around his mother when she gets these phone calls and yells back to him and also cries.  Lately, the child has been hitting her mother and biting her.  The daycare has complained that she should be potty trained and also that she cries everytime someone says the word "no" no matter what context it is said in.  Someone could say "no, the color is green" and she would pout up her lip and start balling.  I personally think it is her reaction to the abuse she feels that her mother goes through and anything meaning "no" = "negative" to her.  I have heard the voicemails that the mother has left and he is so demanding of her to apologize or he will either not speak to her or he will continue to blow up at her.  He asked me recently for money, of which, I was stupid in loaning him any because he has not paid it back - but when I told him I would not have it until Monday, he went nuts and telling me 'we were done and not to bother him anymore.'  I accepted that as a break up and sent him some texts stating we were done then. He smokes pot, begs rides from his ex wife in order tog et to work, had a blow up mattress as the only furniture in the house until I bought him a couch, food, and table.  Yes, I fell into it but I do not regret buying what I did because if I did not know him, I would have done the same thing for someone down on their luck.  It is the fact that he is an unforgiving person and i really believe his daughter and ex-wife are in an abusive relationship and the 2 and a half year old is acting out what she perceives to be normal.  Any ideas?

thankx - donshel - Apr 1st 2010

this really helped me do my project

Thank you - Rachel - Mar 15th 2010

Thank you this helped me alot for my research paper (:

NEVER GIVE UP......NEVER GIVE UP - Toki - Feb 26th 2010

I am truly saddened to read the stories of you good people on this site.  My heart bleeds for you all.

I was very abused as a child, physically, mentally and emotionally by my Mum, who I realize was depressed, alone, scared, in a life she didn't want, and back in those days, had to get married because she was carrying me.

I swore I would never behave that way if I had children.

I was severely depressed and full of anxiety when I met this person who bullied and badgered and manipulated me to the point where I gave in and married him. On the wedding day I felt disconnected from myself and knew I was very ill.  I asked my Dad to run out the side door of the Church with me, that I was walking to my "death", the end of my life.  My dear Dad thought it was the "jitters", and you don't disappoint the guests.

Twenty-four years living with an abusive, alcoholic, substance abuser, womanizer, liar, and mentally ill man, nearly did me in.  I had two beautiful children who I adored and always will.  They were my world, until I felt terrible pressure and stress in our home.  The (now) EX had been cheating and was acting odd and I found myself becoming less able to cope, day by day.  When I finally found out I was a bigger wreck, and then I started slapping my children, yelling, scaring them. 

I felt terrible and didn't know what to do. My EX had driven all my family and friends away and I went to two counsellors who told me that a divorce would really harm the children, that they would never recover, this was in the 80's.

I would apologize to my children for my behaviour, but down the road, something small would trigger my anger and I would slap and yell again.  My Mum used to put knives against my throat and stomach and beat me with a phone, throw a hot iron at me, whatever was in reach.  Thank the Lord, I slapped, but I still slapped.

I went for help and I stopped.  I finally left that abusive relationship and had to get the police involved.

My children have suffered from my abuse and their father's abuse.  I can not tell you the guilt and shame and pain I live in, every single minute of every day.

I can't even comprehend I ever did such a thing.  My children have said that they forgive me, which is an incredible thing, and gift.  I love them more than life itself and have been there for them, doing school projects, moving them, helping them out financially, everything I could possibly do to make things better for them.

The EX has done nothing.

I wouldn't dream of even raising my voice to my beautiful children.

I just wish the pain wasn't so huge from the guilt, I know I deserve the pain, but it sometimes just stops me dead in my tracks, my chest so heavy I can't get a breath.  I am so, so, very sorry.

Some insight, the other ones perspective - Gary Morasci - Feb 11th 2010

I have been in two relationships in which my girlfriend had gone threw her entire life in denial. Both totally diferent from one another. But at the same time both so much the same. One deals with the affects of abandonment. The other on how gang rape contolled free will you might say.

  I've been on the computer all day. I would like to share my insight on these topics of abuse. The only reason I'm even aware of the effects of abuse started when my relationship with the first girl began to fall apart. What she was saying didnt make sense, I wanted the truth. It begins with asking why.  I will continue latter.

ATT: TYRONDA G. - Dawone - Jan 18th 2010

Tyronda....this is Dawone from famous...i miss u. email

being sexually abused - yannah - Jan 14th 2010

when i was 9 i was being sexually abused by my aunts husband .i would be over almost every day because my aunt was my babysitter.sometimes i would cry to my mom sayin let me stay home and i promise i would be good and not touch nothing or go anywhere,but she didnt reconize that i really was cryin out for some one to  notice my pain.while over there i would try not to look his way but he always made his way over  to buying me candy just to have a conversation but as most people know if u dont stop it early it gets worst  as time goes on.Next thing u know i would wake up in the middle of the night...feelin as if someone was touching me....and as soon as i opened my eyes he snach his hand out and say.."i was just handin u a pillow".i neva told any body in fear of breakin up the family..i told my friend about it because she was going through something similar and my teacher found my notebook we were writtin in and i confessed to im 17 and still go through it inside,..people see me and see a light eye,black girl and say "Oooo i wish i was u"...But only if they Knew what goes on inside of Yannah


I just want to say that I will be lifting up each and everyone of the folks that submitted a "glimpse" of their lives -- there is such power in writing, sharing, asking, listening and reading the stories of another whom shares your same dispair and desire for a better way than the current situation.

I  commend the website, the community, the whole idea of doing this is beautiful.  People helping people.  Reaching out to a hurting humanity.

I have to pick up my son from school, can't share much now, but when dinner and mom's endless duties are finished......I will race back to my computer to share about my dilemna.

But.............More than anything i'd like to reach out to those in need of my past experiences and current education and knowledge of behaviors and the ways and means to cope with current hurts, fears, abuse and lonliness that caused you to land here as well.  I am an addiction and alcoholism counseling intern......With 25+ years in real live yuck, pain and more yucky pain and I didn't know what to do nor where to go, I didn't think I was worth squat.  I had my family and husband or a relationship partner whom never skipped a beat to agree that it was all me.....

All me, I caused everything. I believed this for many years, and finally and immediately found a way to cover up the pain inside.  I found that numbing myself helped, yet couldn't figure out why the same situations kept occuring.

I have a little bit of hope, even some strength, I believe that I am not the cause of all the bad, I am not a victim anymore, yet everyday I have a choice to stay in the solution or to succumb to the lies of my insecurities and failed attempts at hapiness.  I have found the resources that are available to everyone who needs a little helping hand.   I can't end this without sharing that god has kept all his promises and has made me better because of it!!!

All I endured, all that I lost (including my first born daughter....My ex has custody to this day)....And all that i through away in my time of suffering and pain is worth it now.  I will never be without the experiences in my mind...... I will always be a woman of integrity and hope, utilizing my humility ~~ and never ever forgetting the horrendous past that gave me a precious future"!!!!!

I will check back here later.....And leave you with this quote that sums up the "me" I am and am not.

"I am not what I hope to be.....I am not what I wish to be......I am not what I ought to be.....But, by the grace of god......."I am not what I was"!!!



Breakin away - Tyronda Griffin - Dec 11th 2009

I was abused by my mother first. She use to slap, punch and stomp me on different occasions. Her words were full of hate and anger towards me. I never felt she loved me.  I am an adult with my own children and she still refuses to take responsibility for what she did to me. She still tries to control me though her words. I refuse to have any contact with her but because she is an abuser she makes sure her poison is carried though the grapevine. In high school I found comfort in my best friend who later I realized was just and controlling and negative as my mother. I married an abusive and controlling man. He was bipolar, schizophrenic and had psychotic episodes. He tried to kill me in 2007. I ran for my life and for the safety of my children.  I am mentally breaking away from all of that violent drama.  I am a SURVIVER.

looking to bring peace and love into all heart - thomas mcclendon - Dec 10th 2009

i never been abuse by family but abuse by other women because of my heart and my need to show others that it all right god loves us all no mater your age color or race i  just want to be the man god want me to be and thats a man who provides love in all ways, im singel and cant find love not because im disrepectfull or despreat but because i refuse to except nothing but the best i came up and still live in a life were no one has love and respect for one another so i chose to be along until i find love will i ever find it its up to god i may die along, but ill die along with no regrets because their will be a better place for me by gods side, im looking to net work with others to create a web site for the lonely weather they be young or old big small little or tall man or woman for change in life obama was the first black president wich started it with a dream for all from doctor martin luther king god bless his soul will all equal in life weather others refuse to belive i have no hang ups about race been trying find love on the internet very hard im all ways willing to prove my worth as a man in life but life is life so i guess im asking for help from others to belive in me and give me and oppertunity and work with me to creat a site with no hiden fees to others every one deserve love and the american dream until we die i all ways pray for the ones who pass on to be with god good or bad for its not for me to judge because i go threw my on sins in life what makes me better then others nothing i think of out side of the box ways because to make money so that i can do for my love ones because it seems no doors are open to the ones who struggel in life who want to do right its time for change and love one another no matter what i go threw my own dpression of being along and wonder why me  its not why me its life but still  i fight to be good and bring joy in others heart tell i make it to the meeting in the sky love me or hate me i love you all seeking real friends and help to better the world what ever way i can sincerely scorpio1 thomas sleep eassy threw god


I divorced my first husband because he was cheating and end up being in the second marriage.My new man denied me an opportunity to stay with my first son from my first marriage.The present husband is also abusing me emotionally .I have decided to take my son who is 16yrs now to stay with me.It will be choice of my husband to accept my son or he better quits.I cercrificed for a long time but I dont have any happiness.This child is dogding school and running to the tarvens,I AM LATE TO HELP HIM? He is staying with my mother.

Please talk to me.Everything thing is comong back to me.

sad - brandee - Oct 26th 2009

im so sorry for the kids who are being abuse i would love to help with anyone who needs someone to talk to so if you want to talk to me just start the convo. :]]


Growing up my family made me feel worthless, ugly, and stupid..?

Now that Im grown and ppl give me compliments?

that make me blush or unsure about.. I get a weird feeling..I would like to know why did my family TREAT ME SO EVIL?? My grandmother was the main source. she abused all of us plus her 6 kids and alot of grandkids, she took me from my mother(mother was only 16) she felt better raising me... I hear bits and pieces of my granmother being wicked now Im remembering it and seeing it.. She's a manipulator, drug addict almost ALL HER LIFE started in her teens. She had her first child at 14 years old and didn't stop, she had babies by married men... lied on her "husband" about his son being his child. Her husband was very abusive VERY and she stayed with him, no body left she know they all are dead. She NEVER had any friends.(told me they'll sleep with your man). My grandmother is a dyke.. I never saw her(with my own eyes) with a man hug or kiss a man.. I grew up never being around a man... I thinks that why Im bisexual now(somehow I think it's wrong at times)

My grandmother and aunt did hardcore drugs together all the time... My mother never did drugs with her mother but she would do anythng for her mother love, like buying her mother drugs!! My grandmother really hated my mom and me and I dont want to bring looks up, but if beauty comes from withing. me and my mother must of have that.. Cause ppl say we are pretty I look just like my mom.. Even though my mother was killed making a delivery drugs for my grandmother..My grandmother never showed us LOVE...I was very depress growing up confuse getting no LOVE from my mother or grandmother(father was way out the grandmother told my mother to lie about a different man cause one had more money) now I see my mother didn't show me love she didn't know how, plus my grandmother dont like nobody showing nobody love in the family..



he says it's all me. I just don't know what to do anymore. - - Aug 19th 2009

Everyday I am called names, cussed out, told that I am nothing and belittled in front of others. I am told it's his house, his money, his kids, and his cars because I don't work. I have been a housewife but always involved with my kids. I have a lot of health problems, and an autoimmune disorder that he blames me for and tells me that are in my head. I lost several pregnancies and almost died from it. I have suffered depression from it, so he says I'm crazy. He used to beat me before I filed a restraining order. That made him madder. He beat the kids so I called DFS. He went to classes til he had to stop. Nothign seemed to matter, he just got worse, except he doesn't beat anyone anymore. He says that if it's not hitting it isn't abuse. I ask him to take medication because the counselor says it would help since we have so many kids, he says it's all me. I'm trying to work, but keep getting sick. I just don't know what to do anymore.

How do I help my daughter and grandkids? - Grandpa B Corona - Aug 9th 2009

My daughter has been married to a mental abuser for 7 years, and she doesn’t believe she has a problem.The have 3 kids and they are suffering the same abuse.  He has all the classic symptoms.  He always degrades and ridicules them in public.  He tries to make it “kidding” but it’s always the same.  He had total control of everything, and has not had a job in the 7 years.  He is always working on “going to be a ________” and my daughter has at times worked 2 jobs to support the family.  Twice, with no real provocation, she and the kids have been ordered to not see anyone in her family ever again (parents, brother, grandparents, aunts uncles, everyone).  The last time it happened (we are in the middle of the second one right now) about a year or so later, one day he just walked back in to our lives as if nothing went wrong.

Everyone in our family knows to walk on egg shells because he might go off at any time, but he does like to pick key times in my daughter’s and our families lives to go off.  The example is, my son is getting married in 2 weeks, and he has decided they will have nothing to do with the family, and no one will be in, or at, the wedding.  Even the kids (ages 6 and 5) could not be in the wedding.  All the plans were in place, the kids were so excited.

I worry about my daughter and especially my grandkids.  I want her to have a normal live, with all the happiness that goes with that, and I don’t want my grandkids to grow up with this and the damage it will do.  She doesn’t believe anything is wrong, so she does as she is ordered, and says she has a great marriage.

What can be done?

Abuse: - Lynn - Aug 5th 2009

((Age: 15))

During my childhood, I've been abused by my mother, father, and my grandmother.

My grandma had physically/verbally abused us-(Me, and my sister and brother.)

My dad had also done the same. But it was mostly me. I won't start listing stories, but he's slapped me, hit me with a belt, yelled terrible things at me ((Like "You're useless" or "Lazy-not worth anything at all", "can't accomplish anything..."))

And my mother-lesser/more of the 3-Has emotionally scarred us with her alcoholicism. Not to mention that she smokes like a chimney, and then hearing about how she does other drugs upsets me the greatest....

And I'm here to try to get over these. I need help. And I'm too afraid to ask my dad to go to a Doc.

didnt want to get hurt anymore - **Cassi** - Aug 1st 2009

i feel like my family has forgotten me and disowned me bc i left my fathers to go to my mothers. He was hitting me, like giving me blacks eyes and bruises all over me. and i left when i was eighteen. and that whole side of the family said that when i left i was just being immmature and just thinking for myself. what was i suppose to do, i love my father very much, but i didnt want to get hurt anymore. All they say is that i hurt him so much, how dare i leave the person that raised me, and im thinking yea he raised me, but he has been abusing me ever since i was nine, and i left when i was eighteen. thats nine years. And it wasnt only physical it was mental abuse as well. he would call me names like idiot, dumb ass, he even called me a whore once. i mean and my family just thinks that he can do no wrong, when ever i tried to tell them. now im to the point to where all i have in my life is just emptyness and dissapointment. i miss my family and i want them back, but i dont think they want me.

pls help me what to do - - Jul 12th 2009

its been 3yrs now...i have mom dad and 2 brothers in my family..1 of my brothers doesnt talk 2 me 2nd brother hardly mom is like i waste money even if im buying books or thing of one like to decorate or mend things in the house or do something to our ruined garden..and if i do something im again wasting doing a degree in fashion designing and that is considered a useless and worthless degree by evry1 in the family..i dont know what's going on in my life i feel dead and numb.i have no friends,no relative,no family ..i wish i was loved and memory has become weak due 2 all that..i read a lot bt i hardly rember anything..they have been saying im useless and worthless..they dont like my thinking..they think i dont believe in god..if im sitting its bad ,if im standing thats bad..i dont understand what to do..i cant explain my self or share my problems..i have missed college 50% from last 3yrs due to dead feeling and fears evry morning..i have re appears in 3 semesters..i always made my assignments late and even didnt submit many a times..pls help me wot 2 do

to the abused - kit - Jun 21st 2009

its so sad to see when someone you trust, an adult in your life who should be there to support your well fare and fight for your every need isn't there to support you the way they should...

very recently due to an abusive father i was nearly kidnapped and after that my parents got a divorce. Abusiveness is common in the Pakistani/Indian culture and after living with it for fourteen years i was thrilled to escape. But really the abuse doesn't end there. Being abused doesn't just mean physical it means mental as the article said.

Even if kids have loving parents who are willing to take a divorce to keep their child from harms way it's still a lot of strain, both on the child and the adult. For example, today is father's day - an abused child who grew up in a family that still gave certain respect to the father, who- for example- has cousins or friends who still have fathers- that person would have a lot of problems dealing with a father's day. And often times-though ive been told its healthy- when a kid is seperated from their father they often try to replace that father with another family member. . . on father's day is it still helpful?

I just kinda wish that people in the world could see abuse as a major crime. Frankly, I dont think there's enough monitoring on it. . . Still, i wish you all good luck and I understand when the abused blame themselves but IT'S REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT! you're just a victim and no matter what or where you dont deserve it!

to the abused - kit - Jun 21st 2009

its so sad to see when someone you trust, an adult in your life who should be there to support your well fare and fight for your every need isn't there to support you the way they should...

very recently due to an abusive father i was nearly kidnapped and after that my parents got a divorce. Abusiveness is common in the Pakistani/Indian culture and after living with it for fourteen years i was thrilled to escape. But really the abuse doesn't end there. Being abused doesn't just mean physical it means mental as the article said.

Even if kids have loving parents who are willing to take a divorce to keep their child from harms way it's still a lot of strain, both on the child and the adult. For example, today is father's day - an abused child who grew up in a family that still gave certain respect to the father, who- for example- has cousins or friends who still have fathers- that person would have a lot of problems dealing with a father's day. And often times-though ive been told its healthy- when a kid is seperated from their father they often try to replace that father with another family member. . . on father's day is it still helpful?

I just kinda wish that people in the world could see abuse as a major crime. Frankly, I dont think there's enough monitoring on it. . . Still, i wish you all good luck and I understand when the abused blame themselves but IT'S REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT! you're just a victim and no matter what or where you dont deserve it!

keep ur hopes up - kerry - Jun 10th 2009

no one needs to b a victim of abuse so cheer up and get help and remember god is always around no matter wat ur circumstances r.

Jekyll and Hyde... - Katie - May 4th 2009

I had a shot of adrenalin when I read Sandra's comment about her mom and brother seeming like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That's exactly how I've been thinking of my Dad for a year or two now. And nobody gets it - They just see Dr. Jekyll and there's nothing wrong with him or that way of being, so they never believe Dr. Jekyll pulls out Mr. Hyde whenever he doesn't like how things are. And the article mentioned how the person will threaten the child that no one would believe them anyway... I remember well, when I was about 7 years old, asking my dad with tears down my cheeks why he was so mean to me. His response? "What are you going to do? Tell the bishop I'm emotionally abusing you?" The scorn made it clear I was the one over-reacting, that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and that there was no point in thinking it was to the point of telling anyone. Even if I did, his message made it clear to my young mind that no one would listen to me over him. The two times I did express anxieties and hurt and distress, it got back to him and there were definite explosions directed my way. Oh, nothing physical - nothing that could prove there was anything wrong. It's much cleaner to use psychological and emotional and spiritual abuse - compliance without evidence...

!! - - Mar 22nd 2009

I just don't matter

a hug for Leann - Jean - Mar 7th 2009

Keep those days (by yourself) as little treasures, each day will get better.  It takes time but your heart is filled with love and you will find love in others.  Don't be in a hurry, in a strange way God slows things down for us because we need that slowness to go through a learning process.  I hear the pain and my heart breaks for you.  You have many people ahead in your future - take the time to learn and you will meet good honest loving friends.  I promise you that.  God Bless  Jean  PS:  Think of those (bad) people as if they were monsters in a childrens story.  As you go on (learning), you will be able to recognize other monsters who wear a false face and you will know to stay away from them.  Like the childrens stories your daughter and sister too can live a happy ever after ending!

Sh*t of Pain - Venky - Feb 24th 2009

well abuse is done mostly to the kids by the adults or the asolocents( because they are the one who can't control themselves and have less of sexual oppurtunities, get what I mean ?). So they can easily molest the kids who dont know any thing and can scare them out for not letting a word about it to be spoken by them.

Trust me I was a victim. =( 

Psychiatric abuse - Joe - Feb 23rd 2009

Could someone please explain why psychiatric diagnosises are often wrong.

47 and still intimidated by my Mother - Sandra - Feb 18th 2009

I thought by this time in my life things would change and My Moms and I relationship would get better. I forgave her for a lot of physical and mental abuse from childhood. I chalked it up too younge Mother with bad marriage and 4 kids me being the eldest bore a lot of the responsability. I basically helped too raise my younger siblings.I was terrified of my Mother. If I even looked at her wrong I'd get yelled at or a slap. I went too bed a cple times with bloody nose. and my legs beaton with a hanger or a shoe thrown at me, She wouldn't stop till I begged her too stop.Tho the physical was bad the mental is so much worse. I still can not relax when i'm with her. My stepDad just passed away and I've tryed my best too be there for her would always go when she needed me, first time I said I couldn't go. She got upset and started on her tirade slow boil,.Then it boiled over and I got burned, I had too walk away .Shs left nasty messeges has called at all hours and has got my brother too call and he said some nasty things too me as well(He's a lot like her in his meaness)They both are Jehkal and Hide,. one min being so wonderful to just like that they strike out. My brother said I was dead too him and right now I wish I was dead it hurts so much is it ever gonna stop. I am on antidepresants already its not helping right now. I've been holding up in my apt,. for last few Days hardly talking too anyone .I live alone with my Dog. She's the only comfort I have right now. I hurt I hurt God please stop the pain I feel so small and igsignificant.

Am I? - Cazanna - Feb 11th 2009

Am I being abused verbally/emotionally? My family Yell at me, blame everything on me, threaten me, call me names, guilt trip me. I can't do homework because all they do is make me do things around the house, and don't allow me to do much; am I being abused? I feel depressed...

who dosent abuse? - - Jan 24th 2009


light at the end of the tunnel - Rob - Jan 11th 2009

married for 24 years and told i have been abusive since the day we married.My family are called names on a regular basis as am I Tells me i am ignorant and have a mental problem.says she going to divorce me the says she is not ,thankfully I found this site and realise the abuse is the other way around.Ihave questioned my mental health as I have so confused .MORE MEN NEED TO WRITE IN AND HELP EACH OTHER

when you feel unsure about abuse - - Jan 1st 2009

In march 2008. i left my husband because i believe him to be abusive, its weird but i had to really think about whether it was abuse or not, any cuddles would always become grabs and gropes, we argued almost constantly towards the end, during arguments he would call me thick and stupid, and say that i have autism, he would bring my family into it and threaten to tell other people i had said things about them, anything confidential i told him about my family he would try to use against me, he would 70 per cent of the time get right in my face during arguments, sometimes grabbing my jaw and grinding his face into mine, he has spat in my face on a few occasion and there were three serious cases of physical abuse, one where i was holding my daughter when she was 2 and he punched me in the face, then held me downa nd attempted to throttle me, i actually couldnt breath, there was some more minor physical acts also, but hen he could be very charming, complimenting me and giving me money, saying i deserved money for this or that, he is very boastful and all of his sentences contain I I I I a lot, he also after i left him became mr popular and some people turned against me saying how such a wonderful man could never be an abuser, funnily enough he never contested the divorce even though i put down five most serious and recent accounts of abuse. he was like a jekyl and hyde and would always say that i was trying to wind him up to hit me, he is a christian and i know before he was a christian he knocked the previous partner of his son black and blue, although phyical abuse was imtermittent the emotional and mental was more frequent for me, but then there were times i could get on with him, but never for long before we argued, he undermined me where my daughter was concerned and even now she cant understand why i left as he tells her he loves me and doesnt know why i have gone, how can i tell her what he can be like. it took me a long time to go but now i have iam never truly rid of him as he is still intimidating and has sly pokes at me, we are both at the same church and that is dificult in itself, but i have had truly tremndous support at that church and the majority of them including leadership can see him for what he truly is. Its true that in my case i wondered whether people would believe me, and i thought at times it was my fault, as his favourite thing is to tell people i have a mental disorder and even tells my daughter iam ill and iam going to hell.  what is it with these people.  

Speak up and get out - concerned advocate - Dec 2nd 2008

I hope that the concerned parent of the young man being abused and the grandson having water squirted up his nostrils has reported that woman to authorities as that is absolutely dangerous and she may very well kill that child.  She sound like a horrendous person and allowing her to continue that treatment is inhumane.  We must as concerned people stand up and shout.  Blow the whistle and be the squeaky wheel.  We also must be prepared to be hated for a little while.  The alternative is not acceptable. 

 I also hope that the man who is being verbally abused by his wife and whose eldest daughter is feeling pain from seeing it realizes he must apply for custody of his children and get out of that environment. 

Allowing children to witness a parent being abused is just as bad as abusing the child directly.  Courts are now favoring fathers when the mother is incredibly abusive and especially if the teenage daughter can testify that she feels unsafe or unhappy in the current home environment.  I believe your daughter telling you how sad it made her was her way of asking you to get them out of there and get away from her.

Kids often end up blaming and being very angry with a parent who stayed in an abusive relationship, "for the sake of the kids"  If mom is abusing you what makes you think she is not doing the same to the girls.

Please take care of yourselves and your families.  I know it's hard to get out I was in denial myself, but I could see that the emotional abuse would lead to physical if I didn't get out, so I filed for divorce and full custody, and won.  Yes you will need a lawyer, but it is worth it for the sake of your family and your self.

Grandparents can also sue for cutody when the parents are not considering the welfare of the child.

Peace to us all.

abuse - Amy - Nov 13th 2008

Ok people u know what if someone abuses you you need to go right to an adult dont take that stuff protect yourself, help yourself. Tell a consular at school or a teacher. Be safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to those who can heal.... - not important - Nov 10th 2008

I was abused all my childhood, I was a foster child, Im 44 and the flash back stared coming back I thought I hid away as achild horrors came flowing back when those 5 Babys where drowned to death by their Mother remember that? I to was repeatedly drowned in the tub by afoster mother until iwould throw up,more then this but as a grown adult working as aself made welder/cnc programmar I was there 6 years on my 5th in a all male shop they started mentally abusing me so bad,and just like the baby girl I was stuck in this stituration for 1 1/2 years due to fmla live for my young son there so much more to this every one whos every hurt me has gotten away with it,my son waS HURT HIS ABUSER WAS LET GO NO JUSTICE this IS WHY ABUSED PEOPLE GROWN AND CHILDREN FELL TO BLAME AS VICTOMS, I would nevcer speak up again because I was punishished the the legal system,they dont like to admit their DROPING OF THE BALL they would punish the victom and shut them up. NO ONE TO PROTECT ME>

Sad and Confused - BW - Oct 29th 2008

I am finally coming to terms that my wife is abusing me verbally and emotionally.  The name calling, the yelling, the guilt trips. threats of divorce, even though I know she wouldn't go that far. She just uses that tool as a means of power and control.  I could go on and on.  I am to the point that I only exist in our house unable to make any type of comment in regards to decisions without being called stupid or just told to shut up. When I do attempt to defend myself her comment is " don't piss me off or else ".  Constant attempts to keep me from my family, comments about her dislike of my family are a common place.  Any and everything that might go wrong is considered my fault and I am her wipping boy. My youngest daughter is also learning from the best and is becoming verbally abusive at 8 years old. My attempts to discipline her only results in failure because my wife blames me for her actions and says "I get what I give".  I truly believe my wife is trying to change me into the person she wants me to be. Completely submissive to her demands and orders.  I truly love my wife and daughters and will never do anything to hurt or change our lives.  Leaving has never been an option to me because I feel my daughters deserve a 2 parent house hold.  I will continue to give my daughters the father they deserve. I have always been there for my girls and I know that some day they will know that.  My oldest daughter has already expressed some reservatoin regarding her mother. She's old enough ( highschool ) to understand what she hears and expresses sadness and sorrow to me. She says "I will never forget how mom treats you as long as I live".  I know that the abuse has hurt me in many ways. I will retreat and keep to myself as much as neccessary. I will continue to be helpful to my family in many ways, and I will never forget the Lord is on my side.  All disagreements and arguments will be a thing of past and I will live my life for my children because they deserve a parent/father that is loving, helpful and positive to their needs. I will not put myself fist before my family and am willing to do what ever it takes to keep us together.

Finally waking up - vagabond - Oct 18th 2008

Dealing with mental abuse for almost twenty years. Husband is Italian. I am American. We live in France. He is borderline alcoholic and refuses to accept its influence on his behavior.  He is verbally abusive to my daughter and me. Since I lost my job in May 2008, he blames my inability to keep a job on my outspokenness.  He labels me a troublemaker,  threatens not to pay my bills, and says I do not contribute to the family, although I have cleaned our home, washed his underwear and cooked his meals for twenty years. When I work, I contribute to the family by purchasing food, paying for my car note and purchasing my daughter´s clothing and mine.  I have also suffered mental abuse from mother-in-law, brother-in-law and sister in-law during our twenty year marriage.

I recently started defending myself because I am sick and tired of being a doormat.  Once I started speaking up, the dynamics in our family changed.  Since our 19 year old daughter has decided not to continue her studies in order to find a job, our husband is threatening to throw her out. I explain to him that threatening is not the solution, and that though we don´t agree with her decision, we have to remain supportive as she continues on her path of independance.  Why does he not realize that he is mentally and emotionally abusing us? I told him that it is his responsibility to support his family. He always throws up the fact that in modern society, the woman wants to be equal so she must pull her weight. 

Even in marital counselling, the therapist tried to get him to see that I would never be able to financially contribute the same as he,  because I am in his cultural environment(Europe) and I am a woman of color, so the challenges are  higher.  Somehow. he doesn´t get it. Or he doesn´t want to get it. I sometimes feel that since our daughter is of age, he would rather  that I simply bow out. He simply wants to cut us both loose.  It is quite a bitter pill to swallow. 

Then I wonder if it is the alcohol that has changed him.  I have started to attend AA meetings and am starting to get tips on how to react to his irrationality. Being with other folk who are dealing with alcoholism sheds a different light on my situation.   I have finally awakened and know that I can not continue this path. If I have to leave, I will. However,  I will not react emotionally but intelligently. My name is also on the contract for our home. If divorce occurs, the house must be sold and the half of the profits belong to me.  Unfortunately, love dwindles, when it should get stronger, in times of crisis.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed.  I have been patient. I have screamed. I have pleaded. I really can not honestly say that I am still in love with my husband. I love what once was. But that was a long time ago.   I do not appreciate the disrespect that he is reflecting toward my daughter and me, both women worthy of respect, unconditional love, and support. I have spoken to my daughter about whether she would go with me to the States for awhile and she has said " Yes."  For once, I see that she sees that we may have no other choice but to leave. 

To all the women who are experiencing mental and emotional, and verbal abuse and effects of spousal or partner alcoholism,  know that you yourself must decide when it is enough. In twenty years, I have transformed from a vibrant, vivacious full of life woman, to a nervous, depressive, paranoid, and unhappy individual. And I don´t want to be that person any longer. Make the steps. Change your attitude, change your perspective. Know that it can be better. Move on!  Pray, and allow the God in you to show the way up and out.

Thank you for this opportunity to vent.

A black mother of a nineteen year old, married to an alcoholic,  living in Europe, but finally waking up!

getting out - just me - Oct 3rd 2008

hi. i'm just getting out of an extemly abusive relationship. in april my (now ex) husband beat me so badly they had to do a cat scan of my face to make sure there were no broken bones.  i am 31 and have been with him since i was 16. we have 2 kids.  it wasn't the first or second time he beat me up and gave me black eyes. there was also forced sex, verbal abuse and intimidation all the time.  I am an attractive woman but for a long time he had me convinced i wasn't.

   now, i'm so terrified to be alone. i have been drinking alot and as a consquence done very stupid things. i am up and down, sad and happy. sometimes i sit in my closet and cry. and when i'm sad and feel alone i think of him to comfort me like he did the years i was with him. he woud abuse me then hug me and make me feel safe. i'm glad i'm out of it because i didn't realize how bad it was but it also means for  now that i am a complete train wreck.but i have already gone back a few times to be with him and i know its not right. i know i need to be strong. i understand and don't at the same time. i know its harming me and its seems i'm all for doing things right now that harm me.  i want to wake up. i don't want to numb anymore. i want to be complete. healthy. i don't want to be scared anymore. i need help


What is abuse????????? - Vanessa Mills - Oct 1st 2008

What is abuse????????? what is love? Im lost and confussed. I been with him for 4 yrs...I feel like im a shodow....a man that once adore me....with him i felt safe an protected. Im afraid to say the wrong thing or even give an opinion. everything that goes wrong is my fault and without him im nothing. The disrespect kills me. he cheats and lies and still never apologies....its my fault for not doing my job as a wife the way i should.He loves me more than anything he tells me. im his world but i just dontget not on his level and im pushing him away. is it really me????? God i do everything i have 2 .....but its never good enough 4 him....

trying to make sense of things - Rachel - Sep 25th 2008

This is a really interesting site I happend to come across.  I've been doing research on childhood abuse and stuff.  I've had a hard time with depresion and have concidered suicide many times.  My mom has told me of a time when I was just a baby that she was walking into a store with me in my baby carrier seat, when a man going the other direction reached out and grabbed the front of my diapper.  My mom was stunned and didn't know what to do.  She's told me this several times and it really bothers me, but i can't seem to tell her that it does.  When she tells it like it was upsetting, but not that big of a deal.  So I feel kinda silly for feeling so upset at times.  I also recently have been having weird dreams.  I've been having faint memories about something happening to me years ago, but not until recently have some of them become clearer.  When i start to remember though I get really scared and devert my thoughts somewhere else.  I really feel like I must be crazy sometimes.  It seems like it'd be logical that if something did happen that I'd remember it.  I'm afraid that if I told anyone they'd think I was insane.  I've also through my Jr/Sr High School years have had some verbal abuse by close guy friends.  One guy that was not really a friend but i knew him, was minorly sexually abusive to me.  I feel like so much has happend to me by differnt people over the years that if I was to tell anyone they'd think I was making it up or nuts.  I'm 19 and I'm trying to get a hold of my life.  I have alot of the symtoms an abused person would have.  So I'm just trying to process things and get better.   

trying to make sense of things - Rachel - Sep 25th 2008

This is a really interesting site I happend to come across.  I've been doing research on childhood abuse and stuff.  I've had a hard time with depresion and have concidered suicide many times.  My mom has told me of a time when I was just a baby that she was walking into a store with me in my baby carrier seat, when a man going the other direction reached out and grabbed the front of my diapper.  My mom was stunned and didn't know what to do.  She's told me this several times and it really bothers me, but i can't seem to tell her that it does.  When she tells it like it was upsetting, but not that big of a deal.  So I feel kinda silly for feeling so upset at times.  I also recently have been having weird dreams.  I've been having faint memories about something happening to me years ago, but not until recently have some of them become clearer.  When i start to remember though I get really scared and devert my thoughts somewhere else.  I really feel like I must be crazy sometimes.  It seems like it'd be logical that if something did happen that I'd remember it.  I'm afraid that if I told anyone they'd think I was insane.  I've also through my Jr/Sr High School years have had some verbal abuse by close guy friends.  One guy that was not really a friend but i knew him, was minorly sexually abusive to me.  I feel like so much has happend to me by differnt people over the years that if I was to tell anyone they'd think I was making it up or nuts.  I'm 19 and I'm trying to get a hold of my life.  I have alot of the symtoms an abused person would have.  So I'm just trying to process things and get better.   

my past as just caught up with my future - soconfused 23 years old - Aug 25th 2008

Reading some of these blogs, has reminded me how what has happened in the past, still as a deep effect with and my sister. We were mentally and physically abused by are stepmother ( if thats what i really should call her) over 6- 7 years. It started when we first moved in when we were 5 years old. Till this day i cant remember everything, But do rememeber some of the horrible things she used to do. I did mange to contact her so long ago and ask fr her to say sorry, but she denied everything and blamed it on my dad.

It has only come to light now, how it has effect me. At the moment i'm with a rally nice guy. He had been attacked at work and i just told him to egt over it. I felt so bad over the next few days after. So i thiught i'd let him know what had happened to me and thats why i can act so cold. Looking back on certain aspects of my life. I usually act like that when people want to get close to me.

I just dont know what to do next, im trying to do deal with it in my own way. Which is just forget about it, but the more i do this the more uoset i get. My stepmother has never been done for what she has done to me or my sister and thinking about her still scares me.

 Be nice to know what to do?

Tears - Rodney - Aug 20th 2008

I myself have been in a marriage that was abusive and mentally cruel. Having been betrayed my those I loved the most. When I ended the marriage I handled it love and patience towards all involved knowing some would commit suicide if I handled it wrong and that was a weight I would not be able to carry.

I Am entering A relationship in my life that again that I ended in an act of stupidity over 20 years ago. The woman has since then been in a series of often Bad relationships And I find it is my time to try and heal My scares and Hers with all I have "Love". it is a huge weight on my shoulders but one I willingly take. I know she is afraid I will think less of her but I do not I know she needs may strength and support. I know what abuse can do to your mind and will to live and I can't stand by and watch someone I still love after 20 years suffer alone. I live with the pain of having broken her heart once and it has been a cruel punishment living with that pain. I have found Abuse can hide in many forms and people are often blind to what they are doing to each other.

I have learned that life is not about me and what I want and need but what others in our life need and often what does a total stranger need of me, a kind word, a smile, a word of encouragement or a little compassion. those of us who have known abuse and survived intact have a duty to reach out to others who suffer the pains of abuse. We also have to help those who have suffered from self abuse because it may be our hand given out of love that saves a life that is ripped and torn.

I hope everyone realizes that Abuse can come in the smallest unentended way like breaking a heart without thinking or walking away when you should have Ask "Can I help" or "I want to help what can I do." or just offering a shoulder to lean on or just to say I love you anyway and mean it.

Most people will never know what it means to get a second chance after so many years to correct a Major mistake in life. I find that situation before me and hope my lessons in live will help one who is still feeling the pains of abuse.

I am not proud of what I have done in my life but It may not be to late and I am now strong enough for both of us and willing to cry if my tears are needed by another in pain.

55 and now dealing with my grandfather's sexual abuse when I was 7 - Terri - Jul 14th 2008

For the first time in almost 50 years, I have finally said it out loud...."I was sexually abused by my grandfather beginning at the age of 7.  For the first time in my life and through all the psychiatrist, doctors, etc., I finally told my mother and husband.  It has only been a few days and I am still struggling with the "next step".  I have been in a complete state of deprression for the past 2 years and taking Paxil CR as well as Ativan to get through the days without crying all the time or just wanting to sleep all the time.  I hope now that is has been released and not just being held within for such a long time, I can begin to get past this.  My grandfather died when I was 11 which stopped the problem physically but the mental anguish has been going on since that time.   I was afraid to tell my Mom because she would blame herself....which she did.   My husband is very supportive and has been through the past 2 years prior to this  during my ordeal of the nervous breakdown.  We are self-employed and it has just about crushed our business and has wiped us out financially.  We have had to sell our home and move in with my Mom but that has been a godsend not only for us but because otherwise I would have had to put her in a nursing home because of her health.  This way I can take careof her and hopefully now begin to take care of myself.  I have so many health problems otherwise that I truly need to keep myself mentally and physically in good shape to survive and  now to help Mom.  For anyone that has ever been abused by anyone....tell someone...don't hold it in.  God bless you all and please remember that as a "baby" at this stage in my life in dealing with this.....I have a very hard road to travel...but with the strength I have within and the power to overcome, my family that loves me, and a God who really does care even though I have thought for so many years He left me by the wayside.....I will survive this.....I will be a better person for it.  God bless you all and talk to someone who can  help you!  Terri in SC

- - Apr 22nd 2008
people should not be abused

to the interviewer - stephanie - Apr 16th 2008

abuse?it suks!it hurts and effects ppl more than ne one notices.  sumtimes there's no help

please support in anyway that you could - Interviewer - Apr 14th 2008

hey everybody well i just wanted to say that, from reading all these comments, you rarely hear about abuse happening or any awareness community programs. you know, why is that. why arent their people out their in the world trying to help people that need the support. instead of worrying about what new lame law or making more prisons why dont they actually try and give people a hand you know what happened to COMPASSION it seems like no body cares anymore! im doing a project on abuse and just wanted to know when you've escaped that moment of time or when its happening what comes into your head first or what are your thoughts

really just anything you would like to provide if your comftarble i dont need to know your name or anything just how you would  feel about being abused  about the word abuse like your definition of the word abuse thankyou very much and i hope everybody gets through it all.

To Leann - Val Cheers-Brown - Mar 28th 2008

Leann, I apologize if I spelled your name wrong. I just wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing and if you ever need a friend to talk to please email me at I am an abuse survivor, 55 years old and back in school and I am having the time of my life forgetting about the past and moving on and learning new and exciting things that take up a lot of my time. I cannot sit around and think about the bad for the good in my life now. Please advise Leann if you would like to talk. Take care and I look forward to speaking with you!-----Val Cheers-Brown-----

concerned parent - mother - Mar 11th 2008

I am a concerned parent who has to observe verbal,humiliating,violent abuse toward my grown son daily , by his son says he can handle the situation, but it now seems to be getting worse since she has a newborn baby approx.three months old. The person abusing him also talks

very mean to the child , she yells alot,very damanding ,he can never go anywhere not even for five minutes unless she is calling him on the phone screaming at him to get back . she yells at the child for sucking on his fingers and urinating ,feces also on his clothes . the baby was in the hospital about three weeks ago with a respitaory infection. I have seen her fluse the childs nostrils with water , had to tell her to stop, afraid she was going to drown the baby. Is a new way to clear the childs nostrils that was what I was told . I am just afraid for the child while my son is gone to work.

Not only does this behavior go on at home this behavior goes on anywhere they may be in public.  she also calls him stupid and tells him that he wouldn't be nothing except for his father. my son works very hard for everything, She slaps him around in front of others'

and now his friends dont even come to visit him . I think they feel sorry for

him or are too embarrassed to be around. I didnt know this girl very well so I did some checking , She has a shady background from a previous relationship  a few years back, my son doesnt want me to say anything about this to anyone or to even talk about it , But Im very worried that she may cause harm to the child , what should I do ?  I feel she loses silf control when she cant get her way about everything ?  


Workplace abuse - - Mar 3rd 2008

I have noticed over the years how the workplace is often a breeding ground for abusers.  Terms such as management and supervision have become so popular in literature with many people thinking that that requires one to force ones will on another regardless.  Attempting to talk through the situation and explain your concerns is termed insubordination.  Power differentials hold people hostage in abusive work situations to the extnent that they believe that they are stupid, incompetent, useless etc and need the "guidance" from the abuser.  I am currently struggling with this at work where there is a great deal of emotional abuse dished out in the name of controlling the staff.  It destroys the morale of the workplace.

wonderful to know. - Ken Thomas - Feb 25th 2008

   It is wonderful to see others reaching out and asking for help when they need it.This is one of the most hardest things us men have problems with.Our pride and ego mingled with denial and shame keep us captive in dysfunction for so long.As a former spousal mental and emotional abuser I applaud to those who have found the courage to confront the demons and issues of the past.Recovery starts from you.Once you discover your true self,you'll realize how truly wonderful you really are.This in turn,benefits your kids,spouse,and other people in your life.God Bless the ones who are still out there suffering.

Father who abused my mother - - Feb 6th 2008
When I was little my father passed away. I mourned his loss for many years. I am 14 years old and last year I started having dreams about my father. I remember vivid details of him hitting my mother. She had landed on me and my neighbor downstairs called the poliece. I remember my mother, brother and myself runnign down the street to my mom and dad's friend. I remember that my father was also a heavy drinker. Now each night for the last 3 months I wake up crying because of that dream that haunts me! I believe that each person who can be saved for abuse should. No matter how hard it is to deal with. If that person can't respect you why should you respect htem?

EMOTIONAL ABUSE - Gini - Jan 29th 2008
It's just not harmful to your mind, it's to your health. My spouse has started to blame me for his dislike of his job, he told me if I didn't bow down to him do what HIS mother did, (CLEAN, COOK, Etc)., that he would NOT pay the electric bill, would not give me money for FOOD, he would NOT pay for the bills that would make my life liveable. This man holds grudges against me, likes to intimidate me, then thinks I would NOT tell anyone, he is WRONG. I have now compiles everything I can against him, what he says, how he says it & when, hopefully, some day this will help with getting out, I am 55 & in poor health, most due to HIM!! I have started to hide money, & make copies of EVERYTHING that comes in the mail, maybe this will help a judge to see what this man has done to me. Good luck everyone, PLEASE get help before it's TO late. There ARE places to get the help, you just need to go!!!

omg - hi - Jan 3rd 2008

Agreement - Sylvia Bastman - Dec 17th 2007

I agree fully alike in this article I have been verbally abuse not only once but every day since Pre School and I'm in High School. I've told people and nothing has work and I don't know what to do now. I'v told the police but they didn't do any thing. So I guess I'm on my own.

I wanted to see how everyone is doing. - LeAnn Salgado - Nov 1st 2007
It is halloween night and the children have finally stopped coming. I wanted to share with why this Halloween was so different. It was wonderful because I had family and friends around me but even more, this time it celebrated in my home. MY OWN HOME! I did it! Everything that man said I could never do on my own and I did it. i moved into my own place on October 7. It was my birthday as well. I spent my whole birthday moving into my mobile home. It is all mine and I am truly elated. I still have bad dreams and wake up crying sometimes. The most important thing is that I am alive. I have done everything on my own and grown with God and learned to love myself. I read an entry where someone said that counseling does not help. I beg to differ. Counseling for me is a life saver. Okay, so no one really knows you but it gives you a chance to open up and get so much off your shoulders. For me, it was chance to cry. Cry for my pain and desperation. Now when I go to counseling, I cry because I am so happy. Everyone out there who thinks they can no get help...... yes you can. It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to get help. Of course you can do it on your own but it is always okay to have someone pick you up if you fall. Stay strong and have complete in yourself.

- - Oct 22nd 2007

no counciling will help you at all, there all open minded, and don't know you personaly, i give up on that, i asked my doctor to get me help, 6 months later still no help, what you need is love and understanding, love  and respect and understanding is what we all need, a person to spill your heart out to, a person who understands what you are going through, i am abused to, i drive people away from me, my family especially my mum,.,,, called me names, pulled me apart, but i took it well, what hurts me so much is,,, that the man i married 18yrs ago mentaly abuses me, this is worse than my mum mentaly abusing me, because he is suppose to love me. how can a man who loves me, call me names, very hurtful names, i don't understand it. he knows all about the crap with my family. he has made me not worthy of anyone. So i reach out to you with all my heart and tell you that you are a person who deserves love, your mum has big big issues, do u know about her past?

abusers sometimes become abusers them self, my mum inlaw abused my husband mentaly and hit him a lot, he knows how to upset me, and says cruel things to me, like no one in my life has said before, this guy is suppose to love me,,, i am intreaged why adults are bullied and abused so much,,, life kind of stinks sometime, but we muggle on in life and hope it will improve.

Don't be sorry - - Oct 11th 2007


Don't be sorry. It's good to get it out. Have you tried counseling? That seems like way too much to bare for one person. Prayer helps for me a lot too. I'm not crazy, but there really is an inner peace that comes over me after I really amazes me.

can't accept, can't handle, won't deal - badbrain - Oct 7th 2007

My mind has decided to clean out the garage this year.  I am a 35 year old male who is staring a melt down in the face.  I forgot that my mom was nuts.  I always knew it was my fault. I survived with that defense mechanism for 3 decades.  Badly, but I'm still here.  I can't accept the fact that she wanted me to die.  I ruined her life. I was sick & wet the bed & stuttered. She made me read backwards. Fast. I was 26 months old. I followed her around & figured out the rules until she changed them. It's easier if it was my fault. Why is my brain puking out this crap now???  I need to make it stop.  I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER.  She would scream in my face that I should die and she hated me & I can see her freaky face & feel her spit on me & she would not let me cry ever.  I threw up all the time.  Why did she have me? She just used me as her emotional toilet.  And I got out! I'm emotionally retarded, that's for sure. How do you make it stop?  I can't deal. The nightmares, and emptiness and hatred & dreaming about going back & talking to me when I was three, and telling me to hang in there. Somebody tell me how to make it stop.  I have never felt so small & weak & scared, and in pain. My chest hurts.  Is that your heart?  I was so little.  She should have drowned me or something.  I can't stop crying.  I'm sorry

Worldly Weights Holding Me Back No More - Valerie Cheers-Brown - Sep 22nd 2007
I am an abuse survivor and I have started working with other wonderful women ministries called MAD (Making a Difference) and have a written a book called WORLDLY WEIGHTS HOLDING ME BACK NO MORE and can be purchased online at  I have taken the first step of many to making a difference and getting others to talk about and network with each other because the longer you hold this pain in the longer it takes for you to reach the top.  Email at when you want to talk and may God be with each and everyone of you survivors!

I am better than I expected. - LeAnn Salgado - Sep 6th 2007

I can sleep better at night these days. I clear my head the best I can before I go to sleep. I talk to God alot and live everyday as if it is my first day on this earth. I have started exercising and I have not had a cigarette in 3 weeks. I have made friends at both of my jobs and I finally got to go to lunch with the girls! I make sure that I always have one day for myself. That day is usually on Sunday. I am no longer nervous about being on my own. I saw him one night. He was leaving the package store. I hear he's drinking alot these days. They say it's because I left him. Maybe everyone who knows him is expecting me to feel bad but I don't feel bad. He's drinking all by himself and hating life for what he did to me. I have to admit that's exactly how I wanted it. I want him to feel pain and sorrow and despair. I want him to be miserable. Am I awful for feeling this way? I am sure that one day I will forgive him but not right now. On to other things..... I met someone about 2 weeks ago when I had the oil changed in my truck. He is great for conversation and he seems nice. We only talk on the phone. He tries to get me to go on a date but I keep putting it off. I'm a little scared. I haven't told him anything about me as far as my fears about men and why I feel this way. I need to feel him out a little more. I don't talk to anyone about what happened to me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or looking at me funny. I want to be as careful as possible. I am making the right decision right?


On My Own - LeAnn - Aug 22nd 2007
I wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. I have taken some time off of school because my Grandmother needs me. I stay with her 4 nights a week and work during the day.. It feels funny staying in the house I grew up in. Alot of terrible things happened to me in that house. I have 4 uncles and I was molested by 3 of them. I was even molested by my own brother. I'm not sure but I have alot of bad dreams. Bad dreams about the man who beat me for his own satifaction and bad dreams about people who hurt me throughout my life. My Mother made everything hard because she has been a drug addict for over 20 years. I used to think that this was life I deserved. Then I tell myself that it can't be. I didn't ask for my hard times or to be hurt by people who should have protected me and loved me. Maybe I need to see someone. A counselor or something to help me. I see women with their husbands and children and they look so happy. I want that for myself. I am just so scared to ley anyone near me now. I have a complete blank when it comes to meeting people. Women make me nervous because everytime I think that I've made a friend, something terrible happens. For me, women and men are all the same. Was life supposed to be hard like this? And why didn't life come with a book of instructions. All my life I was called stupid, fat, ugly, ect. My Mother even told me when my daughter died in 2004 that it was suppoed to happen to me because my sister died in 1982. My Mother is crazy right? I think about both of them. I always visit my sister's gravesite and wonder what she would look like and how cool it would be have her here with me now. My daughter stays with me constantly as well. I miss her so much. My daughter is what kept me happy and kept me going. Her name was Chrissy and she was beautiful and wonderful and had her own little great personality. She was a neat little girl. Maybe had my Mother let my Father raise me, my life would have been different. I see how happy my 2 step brothers are and how "normal" they are. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm normal or not. I mean who lets men beat her and people take advantage of her? Some days are better than others for me. I needed to vent and I need to take some time to cry. It's okay for me to cry right? And what the hell is normal anyway?!

I'm making it on my own! - LeAnn Salgado - Jul 23rd 2007
I wanted to let everyone know that I am okay. I'm still in school and working full time. Yes, he has tried to contact me. He found me one time when I was walking through Wal-Mart. I immediatly told an employee and they called the police. Of course he was gone before they got there. Better safe than sorry!! I feel so good about the things that I have done for myself. I pray that everyone is safe and I know that God is watching over each and everyone of you.

mmm - meagan m murphy - Jun 25th 2007
wow were do I begin, well first off I am 25 years old and have 3 children and one on the way!!!! I was physicaly abused about 2 years ago but before that i was mentally abused and cheated on i met this man when i was 17 years old!!! He finally got so drunk one night he came to my room while i was asleep and started to punsh me in the face, I dont know how I did it but I managed to get out of the house with all my 3 children and called the police!!! About a year ago I whent back to this man, he said he changed he was only that way because of drinking!!!!! Things started off good then I guess he got confortable with me or something, he started to say mean things to me making me feel everything that has happened to us is all my fault!!!! I am 19 weeks pregnant and am stuck in a situation of confusion, my 3 children adore him and he can be nice but not so much to me!!!! Yesterday was a hard day he had to work so he called me and told me to get out of the house to go do something, so I did I hung out with some friends and their children at the park. When he called me to see what I was doing he was mad for what reason I AM NOT SURE I told him you told me to get out of the house and do something!!! So all night long he did nothing but call and give me a hard time saying mean things to me!!!!  I had to pick him up from work and on the drive home he spit on me!!!! I am not sure of why I told him I did not deserve to be treated this way and whent straight to bed!!! Come morning time he is still at it calling me names saying I make him unhappy but will not leave me alone I just want to pack up and runn away but I have no money or car!!!!! I am lost!!!!!         

I Am Officially On My Own!!!!!! - LeAnn Salgado - Jun 22nd 2007
It is 5:24 and I am preparing dinner for myself. I did it. I moved out and am beginning my new quest. I was so nervous when I was moving today because I was scared he would come home. Although he did not come home early, he did call numerous times. I acted like I was working in the yard. My dear friend and new roommate, Niki, came to help me and everything was perfect. I spoke to the county police Thursday afternoon about my fears and they sent 2 police officers to watch over the move and they even helped me load my car. I am very grateful for them. They sit me down and explain to me that there is always the possibility that he could find me and try to hurt me again. I now live 45 minutes away but it is possible that he could indeed find me. Before I left for my new home, I actually took a few minutes to look around at the things I would leave behind. Then, I told myself that it doesn't matter because everything he bought for the house, I could buy again on my own. I only took what I needed. It's better that way. I then followed the police to the court house and they assisted me in a successful restraining order. I also gave copies of every incindent with every date. He doesn't know that I even have a job. I cut off his cell phone, the lights, and the gas. Everything was in my name. Part of me did this because I felt like it and the other part because I do not want my credit messed up more. Also, he now has no car insurance. Maybe a little mean some people might think but for me, it's pure bliss. What comes around, goes around. He will live everyday in complete misery because of what he did to me. I will live everyday free and completly happy because I got out before he could kill me. I can happily say that I have completed my associates degree in business and will work hard to recieve my masters degree in criminal justice. I wanted to thank the people who provide this web-site for people like me to have a chance to read and learn. And for anyone who thinks they can't get out, YES YOU CAN!!!!! I will keep everyone in my prayers and check in to let you know how I'm doing. Thankyou so much for reading my entries and I hope that they help someone somewhere.

Thank God I'm Still Here! - LeAnn Salgado - Jun 18th 2007

I wanted to check in and let everyone know that I'm okay. He got a hold of me the other night. Every time hurts when he beats me but you never get used to it. He did like he always does and trys to buy me things the next day to make up for his stupidity. This time, I got a car. I insisted that the car be in my name by telling him that it would just be better so I could handle all the business when he is working. He has no idea what I'm doing. I have already moved some of my stuff out of the house. Just some things he wouldn't notice. I took my computer and let my cousin hold it for a couple of days because I'm moving out on Friday the 22nd. He thinks I took it in for repairs. I am moving a little bit at a time to ensure my safety and so he won't notice anything. So far so good! I am still doing my daily assignments on-line with a computer at the library. Things are great with school right now as well. I found a job at a chicken factory near where I'll be living with my friend. I'm sure I'll never eat chicken again after working there for a while but it has great pay! Also, I have insurance which I have needed for a long time. The most inportant thing for me is that I will have independance and not codependance. I am a little scared about my decision but it is long overdue. I made a choice to move out slowly because my life depended on it. I do not feel bad for my decision. I can't help but wonder what we he think when he comes home Friday and I'm nowhere to be found? Maybe he will miss his punching bag (me) but I will not miss him. I have wonderful people around me now and I have so much support from my church group. No more hiding, crying, or running. I feel elated to be free. I never thought that I could do this on my own but I did. Anyone who is in this situation or just feels completely helpless, I want you to do that there are people out there who care and will help you if you can't do it on your own. I will check in on Friday and let you know how my final move went. For everyone else, may God keep you safe tonight and many other nights.

- RM - Jun 15th 2007
I think this is kind of cool. A place to write what you're feeling when you're too ashamed to tell anyone what you are going through. But yet, there are people there to listen. I think my husband is abusing me. He recently got out of prison and the physical abuse isn't there anymore but the emotional and verbal abuse seems like it's not going anywhere. He says I need to seek help because he says I'm always insecure. I told him he made me who I am. He degrades me and tries to change who I am. I tell him all the time that I'm not the one for him. We come from 2 different worlds. I feel we're not compatible. I also think he might be bi-polar and sometimes I love him so much and try to believe that we were meant to be together but then I get angry at him for being disrespectful to me and I think we're better off apart. Sometimes I just hate all men. Well, thanks for reading this. I don't know what is going to become of our relationship. I wish it would just end.

Thank God I'm Still Here! - LeAnn Salgado - Jun 12th 2007
I am supposed to check in every week but I have not had the chance. He asleep right now so I wanted to look in on everyone. Tonight was terrible for me. I tried to run away but it only made things worse. He caught me before I reached the door and slammed me to the floor. My left eye is swollen shut so forgive me if my spelling isn't correct. He is angry because I wasn't home in time to cook his food. I tried to get home but traffic was awful. I have started school through the internet and I'm really good at it. Maybe I'm not so stupid like he says I am. School keeps me busy during the day and I never have to worry about people seeing my bruises because I never leave my house. He is jealous right now and doesn't understand that I have to do my school work everyday but Sunday. I was late coming home from my doctors appointment. I have a heart condition that comes with monthly checkups. Fighting with him only makes it worse. He burned me with cigarrettes tonight and beat me in my head with a plate until it broke. I know I have to get out. One of my good friends is moving over 45 minutes away and he has no idea. I will be moving in with her at the end on the month. I ask God right now and each and everyday to help make it until then. Keep me safe and watch over me. Anyone in my position, get out! I will check in next week to look in on everyone. Please stay safe.

question - - May 15th 2007
My question is how to make the abuser leave.   I know of too many abuse victims who finally left their abuser but the law calls this abandonment and these women were left no legal rights to their children or property.   Talk about being the victim all over again!   How does the abused woman get the abuser out?

Thank God I'm Still Here - LeAnn Salgado - May 8th 2007

This is my second entry for this websight. I have decided to make it like a journal. I have no one to talk to about the things that I go through and this websight allows me to get things out. Also, my boyfriend will never know. Tonight was a very difficult night for me. Everything was find until about 11:00 p.m. Out of the blue, he asked me why I didn't answer my cell phone when he tried to call. I told him that maybe I did not have a signal. He started screaming and pacing back and forth. For me, this means to be sure to stand next to a door for an easy escape. He then shoved me down into a chair and proceeded to scream at me and threaten me. He kept saying,"Tell me the truth! Tell me the truth! Who was here today? Your boyfriend or something?" I have no reason to lie to him like I have lied to my family and friends making excuses for him and assuring everyone that I am fine. I hold my arms up in front of my face and just cry. I know he his going to hit me. I have to try and read him and hope he doesn't catch me by surprise. And then he goes into the kitchen and gets a glass of tea. He walks over to me and throws it all over me. As I am wiping my face, he strikes. Oh God please! Not my face! Bruises are too hard to hide when they are on my face. Three blows to my face like it's nothing to him. I jump up and run to the bathroom. Here he comes! I can hear him! He kicks open the bathroom door and grabs my by my hair and shoves me to the floor. He sits on top of me, pinning my arms down, and reaches for the air freshner. He sprays the air freshner all over the front of my face. It gets into my mouth and stings my eyes. I cry out loud for help. Can anyone hear me? Someone help me please! He gets up and kicks me before exiting the bathroom. He comes back with a screwdriver and demands that I fix the door. I fixed it with one eye open and 2 very unsteady hands. He finally leaves the bathroom and I am allowed to close the door and clean myself up. My first glance in the mirror showed one very swollen eye and a knot the size of a golf ball on my right side temple. He asked me to come to bed and I tell him that I will sleep on the couch tonight. He throws my Patricia Cornwell book at me but this time he was a lousy shot. He lets me leave. It is now 3:06 a.m. and he is sound asleep. This is my only time tell my story of this event. I will tell of my events each time that they happen. I print out a copy everytime as well and date it and hide it. Only one person knows where to find these copies in the event that something terrible happen to me. I still have no where to go and no help to ask for. I am going to sleep now. I pray that other women read this and get the hell out! Don't be like me and hope you are not killed day after day. If you have the ability to leave, then do it. Dear God.....please watch over me.

Editor's Note:  This relationship is not salvagable.  It is not safe.  It is past time for you to escape this violence, and only you can do that escaping (unfortunately).  Please read this page over containing tips on getting out of a violent, abusive relationship and do what you can to get yourself safe.   

story - - Apr 19th 2007

When I was younger I never really understood why I was so inadiquate. My parents diveorced when I was eight and my step mother was almost immidiately brought into my life. she would tease me constantly, how I dressed, what I thought, the things I was interested in, how I breathed. I was a very big reader and learned a lot of big descriptif words which I like to use in everyday life, but everytime I did I would get teased. Sometimes yelled at. I memorized every creak in that house so that I wouldn't alert my step mother where I was. I wore baggy clothes and dark colours so as not to be noticed and I hardly spoke, constantly trying to stay in my room or go out for walks. I was always told "I love you but..." "that was great but..." there was always that but. Always. I later attempter suicide. Now I am in councelling and bit by bit, I'm getting better. Baby steps. I'm still not good with social situations, and I still hold my breath everytime someone walks by me so they wont hear my breathing but I can laugh more, smile more. to everyone out there, DON'T GIVE UP. It isn't your fault and never was, so don't let them get the better of you. look to yourself and people who can say positive things about you.

Good luck to all of you.


yeah im young but stil hurting. - - Feb 24th 2007

umm dont know where to start. i found this page on accident and ive read all of these BRAVE people's stories and theyve all touched my heart. Im not in an abusive realtionship nor do my parents abuse me in anyway. i just like to spread hope. I believe that one day everything will turn out for the better and you dont know if its just GOD testing you for something better i your life. so KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP WALKING cause everyone has their hurt and pain. some more than others. GOD BLESS EVERYONE WHO IS IN PAIN AND SUFFERING AND REMEMBER THAT HE'LL ALWAYS BE THERE. ALL YO HAVE TO DO IS CRY OUT :) THANK YOU.

Men are also abused... - Any divorced father in the USA - Feb 1st 2007
I appreciate all the comments and stories I read here. I'd like to add my own story as a guy... I was married for 7 years, and I never understood why I always felt stupid, inadequate, always wrong, belittled, no-clue father. My ex-wife used to always yell at me, at all times, in front of people, in crowds, anywhere she pleased. If I didn't pick up our baby fast enough, if I didn't hear the baby cry, if the baby got soiled and the diaper was not changed fast enough... all my fault, according to her, because I didn't have a clue. Now that we have been divorced for a few years, she still uses our children as pawn. Since I am a man, the courts gave her all rights, including the right to take my children away to the other side of the country. She is constantly lying, including lying to the Courts, and the States we live in, going to Child Support Services saying I didn't pay child support. Even when I proved that I was indeed paying everything and ontime (they are my kids and I love them). The State opened a case, and left it open, because she wanted to. She writes emails to me about my children and I seem to loose time with my children, even though I have a right to see them. So you see? Not only women are abused, men are abused (and our children) too.

abuse / dateing - kay-dee - Jan 17th 2007
why are guys and girls abuseive when they are depressed or don't want to go any were with each other and when my ex boyfriend was depressed he took every thing he was upsete about on me and that really is not far and now he is a BIG JERK he calls me names verbaly he has not hite me yet but why do they do that?

Why does it hurt so much? - Destiny Garcia - Dec 28th 2006
I'm 14, and I go to sleep every night crying to myself, Why aren't I used to this, Why don't I every see it coming? Four years ago my family moved, my parents moved 500 miles away from our family because we liked our grandparents more than we liked them. (Moving us away from the only people we love makes us love our parents so much more huh?)and ever since I seem to cry more and more often. I used to be the tough kid, but now, everything sets me off. Its the thought that I won't get to see anyone who loves me again for 8 months, the nearest hug is 500 miles away. My mom screams at me, she tells me I'm stupid, I used to think I wasn't because I've been an honors student all of my life, but now, I think she's startign to get to me, and I hate it. I don't like my life most of the time, I'm sucpicious of everyone, I push everyone who might like me away. I hate the person she's turning me into. I'm the girl who thinks its normal to think about death and suicide, I find it odd that most people don't. I would try it, but I'm to scared. Another trait she accuses me of, she says Im cowardly. She' says I dream to big. Right now that's the only thing keeping me alive, my dreams, and my fears.

WHY !! - CHESHIRE SERVIOR - Oct 23rd 2006
I found this sit by accident just looking for help and strengh, Ihave cried reading all the stories you brave people who have realsed just a tiny bit of theire pain this pain is invisable , we all put on the HAPPY MASK on like you all im screaming for help and no one can here you !!! Iwas married for 32 yrs before we married he only had eyes for me he was so charming full of fun made me laugh,but it ended in tears he abused me you name it he done it name calling screaming at me as close as our noses met spitting at me which went into my face mouth and nose pulling my hair beating me with a walking stick which he insisted it stayed in arms lengh it went everywhere just in case!!when I had my only child which we both nearly died through complications he was ok and i thougthit would make him see,I had to have urgent section .he only came once to see us making excuses he had to work away I coverd up for him he didnt even bring us both home !! he went for a drink with the boys!!thats when he started to drink and he still drinks today 6yrs ago christhmas eve my child who was only 14 then threw him out as he started to rape me this time in full view of my child !!and now today my child is at uni im very proud ,but the horror is still with me im getting help from my gp who saved me and getting help for post tramatic stress disorder and im still very lost but thank you all for help im not alone . and i hope i can make some sense of my life ,words are so easy as people say now how did you stay. he controled me with fear of being beaten, raped we never made love it was rape allways violent he hald may head under water for a laugh ,kic ked me down the stairs I think if my child hadnt thrown him out i would be dead my gp as arranged for a special help for me now but they have said it will nver go away what as happend as gone,but I still look around just in case I sometimes see him as we live in a small place I still hide in a way he still is controlling me but im fighting back . if anyone is reading this site please dont suffer on your own be brave and talk to your gp or priest or vicor or the help lines as it all confredatial its some one you can talk to and you will find your strengh all this help is free and they carnt tell anyone and they will never judge you i know as i have just done thiswhat i told my gp i though he would ring the police but he didnt he just wasnted to help me .please all stay safe x

still in it and ready to get out - SHINARVIA LOVEBERRY - Oct 10th 2006

Family abuse - - Sep 14th 2006
My Father wasn't my real Father so I was told when I was 12 years old. Everything fell into place, the way he had treated me as inferior whilst I was growing up, the rows about someone being illagitamate, whatever that was to a 12 yr old. This man had married my Mother for money. I lost my status there and then. He bullied my Gran and grandad to the point my Grandad ended up in a mental hospital and my Gran had power of attorney but my Gran wouldn't be bullied until she was old and unable to fightt back any more. I have been called an unfit Mother of my two children and now they bully me I never had their respect with all this going on. Now I am fighting back as they call me Paranoid Scizophrenic and I say I had a nervous breakdown because of all the bullying and what was going on around me to. My Mother over dosed 12 years ago. Now I am fighting back, I am scared of being sectioned again, and my daughters are scared I will tell what they have been up to.

men can be abused as well - Earl - Jul 22nd 2006
I have first hand experience with verbal and emotional abuse. I know that a man can be manipulated and abused by a wife, girlfriend ,fiancee. I was married and Abused for 12 years to my now ex-wife. I have two children from the marriage. I was expected to do the Old School thing, Wife stays at home and the husband worked. I believed that this was OK Until I was asked to Vacate the home. I lost everything. I sought out counseling and learned how I was enabling her abuse. I have moved on in my life, my ex-wife has not stopped trying to control my life. I would say to any person who feels they are being controlled, Well you are and being abused at the same time. Stand tall and communicate!

Needed To Hear That. - - Jun 6th 2006
I'm so glad I opened this site today. You e-mail really "hit the nail (right) on the head" for me. I needed to hear those words that so related to my situation. This will be the third time I leave an abusive relationship, but at least I know what I'm up against having done this before. The only difference now is that I have two children on this journey, but what an example mom will make! There is hope for all of us out there and if we can put up with abusive boyfriends, fiances', husbands, etc., then think of what would happen to ourselves at the point we turn that energy over onto ourselves!!!!! Facing fear is very, very difficult, but when you look back a few years down the road, you are so grateful you found the strength, because if you didn't, you would still be living in that situation. Stand up on your own mountain, just once, and see how great it feels!

I'm sorry you have gone through this - - Apr 2nd 2006
Hello, Your experience sounds hard and confusing and long. It must have taken a lot out of you. I'm sorry and I hope you can somehow, slowly make a new start using all your hard won wisdom. I've been through a lot too, which is why I guess I can feel for you as I read your words. You sound honest and caring. I will you well All the best.

Spousal Abuse - Mary - Mar 30th 2006
I agree 100 % that when you are in a relationship and are being abused for it seems to start slowly or it did for me that you have difficulty realizing believing that the person you love would hurt you when you know that they love you or want to believe that they do ! It is very hard for the abused person to understand that it will happen again & again unless you remove yourself from the environment or ther abuser receives help ! So many " women " are in such a dependant situation are they think they are that they do not get help and stay . As well think they are staying for their children , still love their spouse and make excuses for them and most definitely begin to think it is their fault . I for one thought my husband was falling out of love with me and tried to impove my appearance i.e. figure trying to look younger . My spouse was all ready jealous of me and I did not realize this . I was as successful as he was in my career and he was always being told by other professionals how pleased they were . Instead of him being pleased he he internalized his intimadation and then took it out on me and did seek other women for approval . This was all very confusing for me for I thought he knew he meant all to me and my life surrounded around my family . The more I improved our home life & myself or tried to to more abusive he became . I did finally leave and he is still unhappy ! He continues to blame me for all . He has married again (3rd time) we were married for 23 years abused for 20 and it gradually got worse . I'm now disabled form work due to the years of abuse . He has never admitted to anyone other me that he did abuse me ! He never thought I would leave and he sulks !

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