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Why Do People Abuse?

Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Mar 16th 2016

Understanding Abuse

People have difficulty understanding the motives of people who are involved in abuse. Why people choose to abuse other people is a common question. Why adults who are being abused choose to stay in abusive relationships is another. Neither of these questions have easy answers and even the strongest attempt to educate yourself as to why people might make these seemingly irrational choices will not lead to complete understanding. Abuse situations must be lived in and experienced before their internal logic makes any sense. However, we can try to do our best to understand.

magnifying glass on question markWhy Do People Abuse?

The first question, "Why do people abuse other people?" has multiple answers. Some abusers learned to abuse from their parents. Their early history consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others abused (one parent abusing the other or their sibling, etc.). As a consequence, abuse is the normal condition of life for these people. Such people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of "abuser" and "victim". They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim, or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser. As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the "abuser" side of the relationship dynamic they have learned. By choosing to be the aggressor and abuser, they may get their first sense of taking control over their own destiny and not being at the mercy of others. That they hurt others in the process may go unregistered or only occur as a dim part of their awareness.

Abusive behavior can also result from mental health issues or disorders. For example, someone with anger management issues, a diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder, or a drinking or drug problem may easily get out of control during arguments (e.g., because there is something wrong with their ability to inhibit themselves at the brain level) and verbally or physically strike out at their partners and dependents.

Still other people who abuse end up abusing because they have an empathy deficit, either because of some sort of brain damage, or because they were so abused themselves as children that their innate empathic abilities never developed properly. Such abusers cannot or will not relate to other people as people, choosing instead to treat them as objects. In effect, they confuse people for things. They treat people as though they were there solely for their convenience and do not otherwise have an independent, important life. Abusers who treat people in this manner are very likely psychologically ill, and possibly medically ill as well. They may have an antisocial (sociopathic, psychopathic) or narcissistic personality disorder, and they may have anger or impulse control issues and substance abuse issues on top of that! Such people may abuse because of the benefits they receive from doing so, for instance, sexual or financial gratification, or the simple allure of power over other people's lives. Think of any dictator that springs to mind and you will have the personification of this type of individual.

 

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

This is new. - Hurt101 - Mar 19th 2015

I just recently walked away from an abusive relationship. The beginning of the relationship (first 6 months) was amazing. I thought he was the 'one'...my prince. I guess I was blinded by the honeymoon stage. As we came to celebrate out first year together I started noticing signs of abuse. If I would question his behavior towards me, I was called bi-polar, crazy, an idiot, or a retard. He would come to my home and get mad and destroy my things and have no remorse that I was a single mother and money to replace items was very sparce. He has put me in many situations that were unsafe. Sexually treated me like an object. Blaming me for his dysfunction in bed. We would be intimate and right after would lay in bed and talk about how he thought other girls were hot. When I would get upset about it, he would call me crazy, retarded and bi-polar. He told me numerous times that I do not deserve a PRINCE in my life. He has repeatedly told me that all my past relationships failures were my fault and that I'm the reason my ex husband got hooked on pills. He has gotten so angry and yelled in my face that when I have no response, has thrown me around like a rag doll, slamming me against walls or throwing me in corners. He has basically ripped me down to the point that I'm absolutely depressed and feel worthless. Is this the goal of abusive people? Is this their plan, to seek out, the once strong willed, and destroy them? He has definitely destroyed my strength and self worth. He has not only put a wedge between me, my family and friends, but has mentally destroyed me. I think the thing that hurts the most is that he feels no guilt. He acts as though he has done nothing wrong. For someone to say they love you one minute, than to beat you down with their words and actions the next minute is so hurtful and confusing. What are my next steps to recovery? I feel hopeless at this point. 

social worker - social worker - Aug 5th 2014

social worker - becca - Aug 2014

I'm a social worker and just breaks me into tears to know young children are going through this. Getting beat up, getting sexual touched and being threatened not to let anyone is a lie!!you CAN tell someone. they're just saying it to keep you scared. they know if they get caught they will go to jail right away. don't be scared! Tell you Teacher, she'll help you as soon as possilble. NO ONE is ever allowed to touch your body!! You dont belong to anyone. its called being assaulted. Thats against the law. Don't protect them because they're obviously not protecting YOU. CALL or tell somebody NOW....!!!!!!    Dont be scared. nothing is scarier than what your going through right now. !!!!   

Husband refuses forgiving and wont allow. - Caroline - Aug 4th 2014

This is a long term problem that has developed from 1985, when my husband discharged from the navy. When he came home and went back to his civilian job his father andmany of his friends wanted him to be eased back into the community, after being mostly under water for the last 3 and 1/2 years, I was asked to help, Keep him from disrupting other lives by not using seniority rights. In other words promise sex only on the condition he would cooperate with everyone, It was only suposed to be a couple of years, I kept being asked to extend my promise out, because my husband would have taken jobs, shifts, vaction slots and refused or accepted overtime weekend and holiday work, Disrupting plans, relationships, parental and political needs.

Sixteen years latter was stil using this method, until he threw up all over his foreman, and passed out at her feet, theyhad to do a surgery to remove a tumor off his brain stem. Because of the time this occured it disrupted vacation plans across the board, so he was screamed at, woke up , pushed int going back to work against medical advice, he was supposed to take 60 days off, but his department after he left shut down assembly because my husband was not there, The persons taking his place were resentful he was messing with thier plans by being sick.

After that surgery it became impossible to get my husband to back down, He forced the local union to give him a job over a lessor seniority they wanted to have it, There was even a group that tried to force my husband to back down, he told me my promises meant nothing and I could drop dead when I promised if he would just back down i would have a great night with him.

I watched the four men that thought they were going to teach my husband humility and get him to back off, he destroyed four men in under a minute. Sent them to a trauma center in critical condition. His father asked why he just would not back down, all four where friends of his, one the son of a county commisioner.

I continued as before because i developed a fear of him, Every time he was told towork overtime, a weekend, or a holiday it became a feirce argument and usualy ended with my husbands father pointing a shotgun in my husbands back and forcing him to work, Then suddenly my husband retired with 31 years.

He started to work for another logistics company at thier airport facility, He worked most the time there because it became habit to work, He fell 30 feet to the ramp one night bruising his back, Two months latter, for the second time in a decade, his cerebral spinal fluid was drained after MRSA developed in his spine causing a slip crushing his spinal cord, the last four years has been hospitals, rehab, stress centers. 15 months ago Started hell on earth, First he discovered my affairs whil i denied him, Just about killed the man he caught me with.

Two weeks latter I was doing a favor for his father when my husband walked through the door from the stress center I was going with a friend to a political dinner, My husband told me I was not going. I promised I would meet any where he wanted after the event, He said you know your promise means nothing, I took off for the dor and he ripped my dress off, told me he paid for it, he was keeping it. then he said a 31 year note was due payable tonight. I begged please not like this, Hesaid after itwas the down payment on the note, I went in to cry and put a robe on, The man that was to pick me up was thrown over the porch rail after he punched and tried toforce his way in, landing in the drive face first right in front of my husbands parents, The center notified them my husband had been taken home. Wegot him back in the centers two more times around the holidays, because of hostility, Then this memorial day he was not doing anything else, So he was spending it at home, he has not been in a holiday at home since 1978, He refused to leave, at his fathers request. It is my husbands home and equipment that was being used. His father explained there were nowtraditions that he would not approve in his home and it was best he left, My husband told his father to go to hell, his mother kept things from coming to blows and my husband stayed.

Then the end of the cookout came up, We were going to a nice place for drinks and dancing after it. I was supoposed to go with the man hurt in the drive last year when my husband threw him.

My husbands father explained there was no reservation for him so he was not invited it was going to be a couple of hours. My husband informed him if I was invirted he was. The man took my arm and started for the door, Myhusband striped him of the reservation ticket and made him run for his life.

His father became mad at my husbands disregaurd for his authority, And slapped my husband breaking two fingers, My husband returned with a closed fist back hand.

Everyone else was shocked at my husbands response to both men. i was just scared. The fourth was tense, my husband made it clear if his father had somthing to say to just shut up.

His father tried an armed response two weeks ago and backed my husband off with two friends, They considered the matter closed when they left him standing, My husband did not, He recorded the whole incident on security cans and mics, downloaded it to a thumb drive, and himself left to go to the police.

He saw where we were eating breakfast pulled in around to the side and came in, The first indication he wasthere was when his heavy red oak walking cane cought the tw that had held pistols on him in the face, he swung four times, leaving them bleeding into thier breakfast, In front of everyone in the dinner,His mother, sister, her husband and thier wives, The police let him go because of what happened a half hour before and his proof.

Has my husband become the abuser because of the abuse we heaped on him, Is there a way to keep his responsis peaceful, He was asked why he just did not present the cam footage, the police would have handled it, He said I will never again let myself feel powerless, This is the message people will now learn. His father asked his councilor what other way they could use to enforce my husbands compliance with what others wanted him to do. His councilor said don\\\'t try. leave him alone, I know that wherever I go now he will be art my elbow. After his forcing sex last year I don\\\'t dare refuse unless there is a medical reason.

Is this abuse on his part. The reason no divorce ever happened was my Bi polar disorder, Two weeks after his arrival home a process server gave him a gaurdianship. The last atempt ended with to much in legal fees and lawyers owed.

Can there be somthing done about his response, he responds with the intention to disable, break bones, and cause pain.

This is so awful - Reggie - May 19th 2014

Abusive people are much better when accepted for a fact, and treated as nothing other than oversized bacteria with destructive properties. By equating these people's behavior with bacteria's behavior, you can actually start looking for ways to circumvent them as you would other destructive life forms.

Denying and minimizing abuse can discredit the efforts of the abuser to intentionally destroy, because deep inside the abuser wants to produce a devastating effect by doing what they are trying to do, as in their mind it's quite an accomplishment. However, abuse can leave deep emotional scars in your subconscious mind irregardless of what you want it to be. Abuse is a crime, although, up to this day, it's been very difficult to eradicate this need in most people.

abuse denial - Wildrose - Apr 26th 2014

I read about such horrible abuse and shaming here from one person here and the denial by a mother than such was happening.  That is so awful when people are so fractured that their eyes and ears cannot hear or they have been so abused themselves that they must deny abuse or be condemned themselves.  This has happened in my family to the point that I can no longer deny it myself and have little to do with my core family.  It is all so very sad but I want a life now and to bring it up to my family just confuses me and turns me back into thinking I was the fault maker.....not even....now I have to remain in that reality and to take care of me...no more relationships with abusers or manipulators...but a life of reality now.

Response to Mental Abuse-Mil - - Mar 22nd 2014

Honey you really need to try and find a shelter to go to before this man kills you and your kids have no one to fend for them.. If something happens to you worse than what is already happening, God forbid, but if something worse happens and this man kills you, what will come of the kids.. If it's too hard to do it for yourself, do it for your kids, I know that abuse makes you lose your self worth but honey, NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE, not animals, insects, and definately not us human beings, God doesn't want you to endure abuse, that wasn't why we were put on this Earth, you are so much better than that.  I wish i could take your hand and bring you to get help myself, but since i cannot I am writing this hoping you will see it and take the advice, believe me i know it's tough, I have been there, and I will never ever make someone feel like a worthless being again.. YOU DON"T DESERVE IT, PLEASE GET OUT OF IT..YOU DON"T DESERVE IT!!!

I don't want to be him - - Feb 11th 2014

As a child I was often left with who ever was able to watch over my sisters and I, a Lot of those time's was with my eldest brother, and I don't know where his abuse came from, but it turned on us, My sisters and I.

I remember him waking us up at 3am and ,making us run miles, before we could get on the bus, he would make us fight each other, often pushed me out in to the cold. Would always call me the stupid little s***, and telling to shut the F*** up, when I cried and begged him to stop. He would often slap us, make us fight him, one time I remember not understnading how to clean the floor right, and he kicked me so hard, I remember my heading sending a horrible pain to my neck. He had no patience whats so ever, my brother died about 6-7 yrs ago, and I know it's awful, but I was glad he was gone.

I am now 27 years old, have a 4 yrs old daughter, and I'm starting to see my self as the bully, I haven't done anything physical, but I do alot of yelling and throwing things, I know it scares her, and I don't like the things he did to me, and I rememember hating him so much, that I ran away from home, numerous times, form the age 7 - 17

I don't want to put my lilttle girl through the same thing, I need help,, I don't want to be him in her eyes.

Mental Abuse - Mil - Jan 23rd 2014

I get mentally abused everyday. I'm too the point that I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry cry cry and I'm tired of doing that. My kids here me getting screamed at and being called names and it embarrasses me and makes them call me names also. I'm like stuck in a hard position that I can't get out of because I lost my house because of him and he won't let me get a job so I have no income. I do so much stuff he treats me like a robot kicks me out in freezing weather he has picked me up and threw me outside and my purse and stuff. He has hit me in the back of my  head so hard when I was unaware of it so I almost fell out. He threw an un-opened can of mountain dew at the back of my head so hard when I was walking up the steps that I almost fell back down them, do u want me to keep going. God please just help me. I ask him for help everyday but it gets worse. I don't know what I've done so wrong to deserve this. I really don't.

Fighting the Fight - Steve - Aug 15th 2013

Father was violent to my mom and abused me and my siblings.  Can't remember any of it but was told about it.  He paraded himself around as a pastor of a church, too.  Eventually, he killed my my and had a doctor cover up the cause of death to keep from going to prison.  Me and my siblings were adopted and struggled with PTSD and night terrors. 

Everything toned down until I became a father and then, when my first baby boy cried, my nervous system went haywire and I was taken back to that helpless place of abuse when I was a child.  I hurt my own kid, like my dad hurt me.  I took responsibility for my actions and got help and did time and was allowed to come back to my family because my wife is amazing and forgiving. 
 
We have two more kids and things aren't perfect but not nearly as bad as with my first son.  We struggle but we are making it by God's grace.  We currently have a newborn and communicate constantly about my anxiety around him and when I get tense and freeze up, or hurt him indirectly because of my tension.  It's not a "walk in the park."  We fight that dark past every day but we grow closer as a result.

Be careful what you say are causes for abuse - - Apr 29th 2013

As a facilitator for a program for abusive men, we must be very careful what we claim are that causes for abuse.

Below I have pasted an exerpt from this article. The biggest thing we need to understand about domestic violence is it is a power and control issue. We cannot blame drugs, alcohol, or a mental health issue as being the cause of violence...this takes the heat off the abuser as being the cause. It is true that abusers can have problems with alcohol, drugs, and have mental health issues. HOWEVER, we must treat these as seperate problems...NEVER mistake them as a cause.

"Abusive behavior can also result from mental health issues or disorders. For example, someone with anger management issues, a diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder, or a drinking or drug problem may easily get out of control during arguments (e.g., because there is something wrong with their ability to inhibit themselves at the brain level) and verbally or physically strike out at their partners and dependents."

Keep on going! - mystery1 - Apr 15th 2013

    All of you people who has ever been abused in any kind of way, I want to say i am sorry because no one deserves it. I am a 16 year old girl and i have experienced pretty much every abuse you can imagine. i know how you feel. Luckily i am out of that envirment and i am happy. I used to be scared to death of what was waiting for me when i would get home from school. If ive learned anything about my experince it would be move on and dont let the past hold you back. Move on and eventually you will be happy. Dont hide in the shadows of others. Be strong and dont let others take you down

violence abuse - Pat - Mar 24th 2013

As a little boy (around 5 or 6) I witnessed the violence of my grand-father on my grand-mother. I still have images of her in my mind with a black eye and marks on her face, and of hits (slaps) I took from my grand-father.

The reason behind his violent behaviour as I learned from my mother was that he was the sole survivor of a company in ww2. My mother told me war stole her father.

Lingering - - Feb 7th 2013

Ever since I was 12 years old my brother in law has been sneaking in my bed.  The first impression of abuse, the world died.  He always snuck in my bed while I was sleeping nearly every night.  I was totally traumatized.  Abuse to me goes unanswered, but I'm glad to say now that I'm in my 30's can walk away from it.  It happened and I just want to honestly forgive and forget.  Bye.

Finding me. - zina - Jan 28th 2013

I'm 37 yrs old black woman. I come from Somalia and was rised in a muslim house hold. I lived a very sheltered life untill 1989. Civil war at its finest bring the worste out in semi demisticated men and opprested women alike. Back in the day (I was 20 something) when I started dating and I made the mistakes of trying to fix my abusive partner. I would tell myself if I do this or that maybe he'll be better or a bit nicer to me. But that never worked.... As a matter of fact it gave my ex the green light to noch up the level of abuse. Each time I would be left with nothing but anger and souless feeling inside. That's when I stopped dating altogether. It took 3 lonely years to find me and gained much need confidence to weed out the worthless people from my family and my social circles.

I viewed my relationships like jobs for the first 6 months (this was way before Steve Harvey. That douchbag has a PHD in broken relationships).... What's the point in giving all the good benefits out if your partner is not putting in the work. Just so you know it doesn't take 6 months to weed out these fu**ers. They can't hide their ugly faces too long.

If and when you do find and meet this partner who passes your check list. You shouldn't relax with what you desire in your ideal partner. Take that probation period to two years. Meet his or her family and rate them as well. Much of your partner's undesireble behavior is from how their were rased. Most importantly keep a personal diary. At the end of the two years. Do a pro and con list and if the cons out weigh the pros. Move on. Seriously I'm not kidding Move on to the next mate. Leaving yourself in a rut of a relationship is self abuse and you have no one to blame for that. Seccuss does not equal having a degree or how much money you make. It ablies to all corners of your life and being a seccuss in the eyes and hearts of those closest to you is indeed something all the wealth in the world couldn't buy.

Please don't view me as a hard person to be around. I am far from that. I'm forgetful, I hate going to sleep upset and I have my moments but they are far few in between. Mainly because I have healthy relationships. My thing is that being someone's doormate is not a healthy option no matter the case especially if they are a family member. Trust me you can choose who is family and who isn't... Life is too short so live it your way. If I as a Somali woman who had FGM (female genetal mutilation) preformed on can make it without therapy then so can you. Don't limite your right to live a happy healthy lifestyle. I hope you guys find peace within you everyday of your lives:)

 

 

Ditto - - Dec 15th 2012

Seems to be an aweful lot of this abuse happening...join the club!!!

It's pergatory right here on earth!!!

Cheating is abuse - - Dec 4th 2012

My husband of 42 years confessed to me that he has cheated on me for our entire marriage - from year one.  This is a loving, kind, gentle man.  Not an abuser at all.  But I believe that he subconsciously acted out the abuse he received as a child.  So here's a warning to wives in "perfect marriages."  Be smart. 

untrusted family - loved by father unwanted by mother - Oct 27th 2012

since a child i had to trust only in myself.even when young i saw the mistakes done continualy that i wanted to be in a family that would show me how to be sucseesfull.as a chlid knowing abd even confonting parents about the wrong decisions they were making and the loss making mistakes.but i was being disrespectful and that bs who knows best and evey time turned out just like i said that she hated me and i thought i did her but was angery at them for being so incompitent.i was living in a hopless case  een though they were in the medical field but common sence or maybe i was just gifted by god becuase thats the only one i trusted.i suck that i feel this way today if you cant trust your own family than who.they were envious of me and used me for there gain and my failier.also being abused motherdidnt  believe me or she said i deserved it she had a cruel intention of enjoying my pain.dad loved me but he didt have know how in american way like taking care of things or anything it was he was always paying somone to take me hunting fishing any recreation.and later did not want me to succeed or any of my other half family.he said i was nt making enough when i started making more a hour than did i saw it he didnt admitt but i saw through both of them.mother since a child trying to put me off on others so she could do whatever.dad told me when i was born she left the apt he tried calling the phone was busy for ever he came home from the hospital to find me shaken from screaming ant the phone off the hook.and from there these are the things of regular progression done to me.besides making up lies as her scapegoat i was the excuse or all her problems tha caused me alot of people to turn shed make up lies about dad to she was always trying a way to punish me to justifie her or just be that.times she nevr picked me up from school and would never give me a key to the apt as she said she be there i waited on the steps for three hours and one in a tonado but the nieghbor let me in and had atalk with her she didnt miss a pick up after that.and when people started to see what she realy was about she got put in her place.she used to go to church but never invited me to go.comto find by her gossip about how she liked the preachers good looking and the such so the real reason was to gossip and to look at a man.that evn them made me sick and felt ambarassed to god at my age.anyway i was put on riddlyn for ad hd my dad knew better and with all that annziaty but it keep me out of her way and depresed adding whieght gain.i wsa gifted with music natural and she did not support or help futher my talents on what i needed that nt succeeding above them.i saw other familes and would say how easy they seem normal.felt i was in the wrong family and never ever were close i stayed as far away would leave the house any tim i could  and would walk a talk with god even though i got know repley but i knew he was there and saw my tears of no choice.becuase today little thing that happened words said at those times he was with me through it.some of us are choose from affliction and when we overcome these how strong and what else cant we handle aslo with him.these thing do happen because of god  it evil satans plot.but if you look people tha have gonr through such things seewhat exeeding accoplishments they have done.and in you have faith in god,and gone through these abuses worse than i.cant see not believing in to get trough,and ther is a promise that you will be payed back for what was taken from you and given back what was lost.this kind of truma gods the only one that can make a mending i know becuase iv seen and know what and who i trusted and am a new man becuase of him.also all this realization just came i kept saying honor mom and dad and do but it is what it is sin is sin and wrong wrong and iv just put it behind never thought of it.and remember if somone does somthing to you.ITS NOT YOUR FALT!its there choice nobody makes somone do anything to them it ther choice.dont be anyones pawn.your responsible for you. not another actions.see what you made me do is fraud bunk copout.say if i made you do this wha t do i have to do to make you put a hole in your.say ill rent you a gun and sell you a bullet.take nomore abuse from anyone.pray may god bless and be with you

abused by my child - - Oct 21st 2012

Have any of you been abused by your own child? My husband left me after 20 years, and my 15 year old regurly verbally abuses me. He has mental issues, and is on meds, but he loves to call me names and yell at me. My 18 year old son is quite mean to me as well. I have been treated pretty crappy by people all my life. Alot of people put me down, walk on me, and are just plain mean. But, I realize there are two kinds of people in this world. Nice ones, and mean ones. You are one or the other. I am a nice one. I can't wait until the end of the world, when all the a**holes go to hell, and all the peacemakers go to Heaven. HA!!!!!! that will be sweet.

How can I stop an abuser? - ConcernedCitizen - Jun 24th 2012

Someone close to me has mentioned that he enjoys torturing 0-6 month old babies and 0-2 year old animals. He's a very big man and I'm afraid that he may actually do the things he said. Like slapping a baby silly or hitting tiny animals for no reason.

I don't pretend to know why such people do things like this but it's sad because this man has 6 children and 8 grandchildren. Also because our wonderful cat just had 6 beautiful little kittens who are all of 7 days old as of the time of this post and this guy's son, my nephew, wants one of our kittens, but I want our kittens to go to a good home and since my brother-in-law confessed to this, he said he was joking, but I'd seen how he abused his youngest son, and although I continually stuck up for little nephew who's 11 now and very overweight probably due to the abuse, everyone put me down saying it was okay, it was just how his parents wanted to discipline him. I even tried to reason with them asking if they would like to get hit at work for every tiny infraction. Others also stopped me from calling child protective services on them, but someone did and they covered their tracks well.

I'm afraid to give my nephew the baby kitten after it's weaned from it's mother. I know he's a sensitive and loving little boy, but I think his father uses his loving ways against him because the father sees the boy's love as a weakness rather than a strength. He thinks pets are for sissies and need to be constantly tortured so that they live in terrified fear of all humans.

Do you think this man was abused as a child and has now taken on the role of abuser on such tiny baby humans and animals as a god-complex?

Help me people. What should I do?

Abusers are Losers - - Jun 8th 2012

Abusers do it for control and power.  Usually they are very weak people who cannot control themselves so they feel the only thing they have control over is someone else who will not be able to fight back.  They pick on a particular type of person.  Usually someone easy going that they can manipulate and many times they don't show their real selves in front of anyone else.  My husband was exactly like that.  One time he slipped and people saw the truth.  But usually people would think he was a great guy.  Police really don't take it too seriously.

Especially if his friends and relatives are cops.  You don't stand a chance.  They will bully you and harrass you and you will not be able to do anything about it.  They will try to intimidate you and then deny everything.  I have been divorced for many years and am still being harrassed.  I have had my bank account broken into, my home broken into, my car broken into.  Have had my car registration stolen, been hit by a car etc. and  I moved to another state to get away but a sick mind is a sick mind.  Disturbed people rarely get the help they need.  Instead the normal people have to get help to learn how to cope.

I am hoping to write a book soon on my experience with abuse during and after my marriage.  I waited 16 years to get out.  My advice is get out as soon as you can because it will trumatize you for a long long time.  My faith is the only thing that keeps me going.

Good Luck

 

 

 

 

 

 

Married life - - May 28th 2012

Hi I am  married now for about twenty years and getting abused every single day. My husband calls me names, sexual abuse, physical abuse. I am studying, working and looking after my two teenagers. He wakes up starts abusing until he sleeps. He has made my life hell. I am a heart patient. sometimes I yell at my kids but now I promise not to yell at them because I know how much it hurts. I just pray to God to keep me healthy and make me strong so that i can leave him as soon as possible. I want to live my life. I am mid forties. I had a very good childhood. My parents are caring and I never got hurt In my whole unmarried life. 

to you all: - sssssssssshhhh - May 17th 2012

There are alot of abusive things people can do to people but it is up to us to do something. can got to use your head you got to think about and you got to think clever. Things about abusives is it last awhile, you got to be prepared to help yourself out before anyone else can help you take. My point of view, i feel sick and I can feel the pain just reading these story yes it is not going to be easy but you got to be willing to take care of yourself before anyone else!!

Abuse doesnt change - - May 12th 2012

Growing up my father was very much a mental abuser. I listened to him cuss and scream my mother almost daily, then he would turn on me and keep my self esteem down. They divorced when I was 12 and my step dad is also an abuser. He is physically as well as mentally abusive. My mother is also very much a mental abuser, only with me though. Im now 34 years old and she screams or cusses at me daily. I have been married two years now and my husband is physically and mentally abusive. My husband is the worst of them all. He has hit me so many times I cant count and has went to jail for it and he starts fights weekly, just so he can justify his behavior and get his thrill of name calling and pushing or breaking my cell phones or whatever he gets his hands on. Im still married because if I dont let him be the one to leave, then I fear what he might do. I cant even go to friends houses to get away from him, he will show up there and make a scene and doesnt care if they call the law or if he has to fight them. My advise to anyway reading, any of these....abuse never changes. I have lived thru it and am still living thru it and they can get anger mangerment, go to jail for long periods, lose everything dear to them and in the end they never change. It might be years with no issues, but it will rear its ugly head yet again! If you get involved with an abuser, RUN far far away and never look back.

my past is my past - - Apr 3rd 2012

When did all begin.  When I was a infant I was throw off a treefort. I have scars from that day.  When I went foster home it was hard.  They use to tie my hands behind the chair. Leave me there at nights.  My adopted mother took me in because I was abuse.  My mother should think that to relize was going on in the world.  She use to spar against me and when I was in Karate I was not paying attention.  Then come home I was getting kneeled, she wouldn't stop but I just started to cry.  She wouldn't stop. I had bruises on me and I would not tell people at school about it.  Then she would send in cold showers.  It would be an hour and spray my face with water.  Then one day I was doing home work I was thrown to a chair.  My head hit the chair and it was bleeding.  She felt bad.  She would go to chees sand whiches.  Really like it was fun.  I will have it during breakfast, lunch, dinner.  The most had it was a month.  It later catch up to her.  When she had boyfriend they use things to burn by skin.  Her later boyfriend and know boyfriend say threats to mean and said awful comments.  I just couldn't handle it, one it was big awful things. She has done things to me.  But I will remember those things and one day I will have a wife and tell it to her.  I will always look positves at life and forget my past.

Being Young And Abused - - Apr 3rd 2012

My father use to beat me when I was at least seven and I also watched him beat my mother. I always felt helpless, but when we had to visit him one summer, he beat me as soon as I got down there and told police that my step father did it. I spent three months miles away from my mother, protecting my brothers from my father, and taking what he dished out so my brothers wouldn't get hurt. At the end of the visit he brought us back, but not to our mom. He took us to Child Protcective services and had us taken away from our mother with the evidence that he did. Some of the story is left alone because it's to hard to talk about. The C.P.S agents never listened to our story and took us away from our mom for 2 years. Today, I have many problem but try to over come them and live my life to the fullest. I never want people to feel bad for me, but to see how much of a better person I am.

Still under the effect of abuse - Just50 - Mar 17th 2012

I'm 50 but was physically abused throughout childhood, as well as by my boyfriend that I continued to see for a long time.  It's the botfriend situation that still bothers me.  The abuse lasted fro the time I was 19 until about 32.  When I went to see "I can do bad by myself, a Tyler Perry movie, with a close friend, I cried through Bishop Marvin Winans' song "I'm over it now".  Even today when I hear the song I cry.  A few years ago I told him I needed to speak with him about the abuse and he made light of it.  I just read today that making light was one of the criteria on the checklist for abuse (I just found out today).  I still have dreams about being hit on and often I think about it and cry while I am awake. I don;t talk to anyone about it but what can I do for myself?

Support and strength - Jo - Mar 7th 2012

All your stories touched my heart and you all brave, each and every one of you for living another day and this brings opportunity in your minds to find a way to have a life you deserve and one day you will and use these experiences to be stronger and remain alive to love those who deserve you.  

Was abused and am I becoming an abuser? - - Dec 27th 2011

I had a terrible attack tonight.  I was driving and went crazy and got out of the car screaming in the middle of the road.  I got back in the car pulling my hair.  I cussed and hit my husband and squeezed my toddler's foot which got him to crying.  My husband screams, yells, and spanks our son all the time because he spits, cries, never follows orders, and you name it.  Nothing works.  My husband is very possessive and controlling.  I tend to hold things in.  When I explode, I start verbally and physically hit.  I used to never do this ever.  My mom has put extra anxiety on me as well about always complaining about money and never appreciates a damn thing that you do for her.  Also she is a spoiled brat.  I came from an abusive mother and an alcholic father.  My mom physically and mentally abused.  My dad did some mental abuse but only while he dranked.  He was a angel sober.  I don't know what's happening, but I am scared.  I don't want my son to go through this.  I want him to have a normal life.  We can't seem to control him (especially the spitting).  Nothing works.  My husband admitted tonight that he didn't want a child and wants a life of traveling and fun and not to be stuck with us.  I don't care what happens to me, but I want my son to have a normal life.  I just don't know what to do, but I am afraid what will happen to me if I'm pushed as far as I can be pushed. 

September 22, 2011 WOMAN with Abusive father - Andrea - Nov 17th 2011

I have read you statements and i can truly tell you, you have really been a strong woman for dealing with all those issues. I know it must have been hard growing up with such tragic things happening throughout your days. I truly believe you have a powerful testimony and your a walking blessing. I assure you, that all the things your dad said to you and did was because of the person he was on the inside. He may have not felt secure in himself. Thats gods battle but as for you , god has truly molded you into a powerful woman. You overcame all adversities, and i pray that now you put your trust in christ jesus and go out seeking other young women that go through the same thing and minister to them, encourage them and build them up it will truly make them better people just from seeing that you made it this far. Be BLEssed!

the 1st day i moved in. - Erika - Oct 12th 2011

Hey, I'm Erika. My family and I moved in on mid-June. I think it was like June 11. I don't know which day it is. I don't think this is abusing, but my dad kept yelling at my mom and my mom kept crying. He wasn't fighting her; he was just yelling. My sister, Brianna, told me to run away with her out of the house, but I didn't want to. I told her, "It's our 1st day of a new house. We need to stay here so we can see if we can all take care of each other and not fight." She didn't like that. She said, "Come on, Erika. Let's go. We can't live in a house like this with fighting parents." I just ran back to my room and cried because of the fighting. I didn't expect my new life like this. Until the second day, mom and dad apologized. I'm 11 and that's my yelling and fighting story on the 1st day of moving in a new house.

victim of verbal abuse by family - - Sep 22nd 2011
I'm 30 now but have been dealing with this all my life plus my own mental health issues such as anxiety, ocd's and severe depression. I can tell you that my father , for as much as he has done for me, money wise over the years, even though he didn't really have it, doesn't cancel out the fact that he verbally abused and bullied me. I'm very far from perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life. He was the leader and from what I know, his father was abusive to him and his four brothers as well as my grandmother. He hated woman, was controlling, physically and verbally abusive , drank gambled, you name it. However as I grew up I just knew him as a fun, loving grandpa. My father would belittle me, blame me, yell at me and call me names in front of my 2 brother's which until this day I believe that he did favor them over me. As we got older, things in life happened to add to the dysfunctional family dynamic. My father had his own anxiety issues,(ocds) my mother who still has never saught treatmenrt for her anxiety (she also came from a father who was an alcoholic and was mean. My middle brother has anger problems and my youngest now, well has turned into a mini version of my dad. I have come to learn people abuse and many times ,,,,its family memebers doing it to eachother, rather than what most people may think. My brother's saw what my dad did so they eventually started partaking in bullying me, verbal abuse when he did so. So now I had 3 doing it instead of one. Myparents who are both almost 60 now, I doubt will change. My mom through all of this would usually defend me, but she couldn't always defend herself againist my dad who was somewhat controlling towards her so how on earth could she protect me?? She has been the best mom ever, but her one flaw was she was always putting what I wore down, my friends, the activities I liked and let me tell you. They were normal things a young woman would like , going dancing with friends, watchimg reality celebs show etc. My self esteem probably about 6 years ago was gone. My mom got sick this past year so now nothing in the family would ever be resolved. No stress or fighting according to my dad. Now my mom has actually joined the "gang" as I call it, calling me names sometimes, worse than my dad and agreeing, when she knows (I have video recorded my father and brother verbally abusing me and picking fights when I never did anything to ever get a response like that. She is is denial that he family is messed up and so I sit here now...11 years later, every aspect of my life awlful and each day something else bad happens. I have lost weight, can't sleep and cry ev eryday and have lots of panic arttacks. I'm not close to my extnded family and the man whom I have loved for 9 years-he is bpd, broke up this past january. I could write a novel here for all of you and you woudlnt believe what I have been through in the past 11 years. I feel like my youth was wasted and in ways stolen from me. Being depressed for 10 years , you miss , well your whole life. I have thought about suicide a # of times, but my beloved pup keeps me here. I also began cutting myself about 3 months ago to deal with all the pain and torment. I have since stopped. I feel and I am alone all the ttime, no one to huge me, tell me they are proud or ask how my life is going.. If anyone else has had a similar situation please respond. Is there any hope for us victims of verbal abuse to ever recover???

The most helpful book I ever read! - - Sep 13th 2011

I was in a very bad relationship and was emotionally abused for about two years.  I was humiliated in ways too painful to mention.  I was threatened, called horrible names, manipulated, you name it.  After studying all I could get my hands on, I finally came across a book called "Healing Damaged Emotions," by David Seamand.  The book is a godscend.  I hope it helps others as well.

What should I feel? - Crying Dad - Sep 4th 2011

Yesterday I had called for my adult daughter (who is 18) to help with throwing out a mattress.   We had been cleaning all afternoon, and had just finished taking out the first bed when I had called for help with the 2nd.  She stormed into the bedroom screaming at me, saying I never "talk" to her and always yell at her.  She started to scream at me saying I abused her and blamed me for her mild hearing loss then "boxed" my ears.

She then began to pummel me, closed fisted in the head, chest and back, screaming she hated me and shouting obscenities.  All the while, my other 2 children, ages 7 and 10 were standing by the doorway watching the attack.

While I tried to block some of the blows, and tried to push her out of the way, or down to the ground, I did not strike her.  My wife, who was also in the bedroom, tried to interpose herself beween us, but my daughter was reaching over her and jumping around her to strike me.

I feel ashamed that my daughter behaved that way.  I feel sorry that my younger children had to see that behavior.  I feel sick to my stomach as I am thinking about the ER bill I'm going to see, due to the pain in my chest (at least it was only a couple cracked ribs rather than something more serious).

My wife (her stepmom) said I should have called the police.  But the only thing that I keep thinking is that I hope that her doing that made her feel better.  That whatever wrongs I supposedly had done against her, were righted by this attack.

I just don't know what to think though.  I don't know if this is healthy, or what.

JUST STOP!!! NO MORE!!! - - Aug 30th 2011

Abusing is a problem wish they would STOP!!!ican't imange how other kidz hav been bused real bad.

Abused by a father who was abused... - Taylor - Aug 3rd 2011

My father began abusing me when I was about two years of age. I recall, for instance, one day when I was driving with him somewhere. He pulled the car over to the side of the road, pulled me out and began shaking me, asking me why I had become so bad. His displeasure with me soon developed to aggressive spankings, which seemed to take place for no reason at all. Once, at the age of four, he threw me down the stairs -- for no reason at all. Hearing me cry, my mother asked him had happened. He told her that I had said I hated him so he slapped me. I had said no such thing and was utterly befuddled. Later, at the age of five, at a family celebration, a little boy asked me what I was wearing under my dress. Lifting the corner of my dress, I told him it was a crinoline (a slip that makes dresses stand out fuller). The next thing I knew, my father was there shouting at me to get upstairs and stay in my room. I sat there all day until everyone had left. When my father came up to my room, I was thrown on my stomache, with my panties ripped off, I was pinned down, and spanked with the full strength of his hand until I thought I would pass out. I was told that I was evil, that I had made him do what he did to me, and that God sent little girls like me to hell. This was one of so many other incidents that included being thrown across a room, incessant name calling, belittlting, acts of humiliation and constant spankings. Usually, my father's rage would erupt without warning. Suddenly, I would find that I had done something wrong (left a finger print on a wall, drank some cool-aid without asking permission, argue with my brother) and needed to be punished. Up to his bedroom and behind a closed door, I would be order to pull my pants down, where he would spank my bare bottom relentlessly. Afterward, he would tell me to get up -- he would go over, lie down on his bed and tell me to come and sit beside him and stroke his brow. I had no idea why he was asking me to do this. I would do it a couple times but he would tell me to keep stroking his head until he calmed down -- telling me that I had made him upset because I was so bad, so it was my responsibility to calm him down. Finally, he would tell me to give him a kiss, tell him I was sorry and would be allowed to leave. My mother never interfered, though surely she would have heard my screams. The only time she broke things up was when I was sixteen. My mother and I were having a disagreement and when I left the room to go up to my room, I slammed the door. Within a minute, he was up the stairs, in my room and ordering me to remove all my clothing, promising that he was going to give me the beating of my life. I refused, which is when he became utterly enraged, pulled his belt out and starting swinging at me, hitting me all over my body. By the time my mother entered the room, I was huddled up in a ball in the corner. I felt like my father had broken my soul that night. Later, still lying on the floor, I could hear my mother comforting my father. I figured I should get up and go to the bathroom to take care of myself. When I went and looked in the mirror all I could see were welts everywhere. Sometime that night my mother came to me and told me that the next day I must apologize to my father and tell him that I loved him. There is far, far more to this story than I feel up to sharing here. The point is that the abuse I suffered as a child had major consequences (emotionally, physically, socially, economically) and it has only been in the last few years (I am in my mid-50s) that I have been able to begin dealing with it all. More recently, I shared some of this with my mother (my father died a year ago) and she showed genuine sorrow though denied knowing that anything was ever wrong. She had always told me when I was growing up that I had to put up with my father's behaviour because he had been so badly abused by his father. I always felt that I was responsible for my father's pain -- and that I had to support my mother in her need to protect him. Receiving love was pretty much contingent upon this tacit agreement. More recently, I have been talking to my mother about how the family has, more generally, defined me as the difficult one and about how inappropriate it is. This labeling has been in place for as long as I can remember. I have tried to explain to her that many of my problems are the result of the abuse I suffered as a child and that I am not all that atypical, and that I should not be blamed or seen as a freak. In fact, I had done relatively well at taking care of myself, though have never managed to have a close relationship with a man and battle intermittently with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. In response, she tells me that she does not really know what I am talking about -- she does not see how I was abused. I told her what is mentioned above and a bit more but now she seems to think that this does not constitute abuse.

I am quite frankly exhausted by the family drama. I have been rejected for so long, despite numerous efforts to turn things around. Anyone kind enough to offer their insight would be much, much appreciated. I am pretty much at a loss.

 

hmm - Juliie - Jun 22nd 2011

so people abuse others because they think it's normal? well thats sad :/ they dont know...

Sorry - - Apr 5th 2011

I feel so sorry for these kids who have been abused they don't disevered to be abuse

understand that now - - Mar 13th 2011

I'm the eldest boy in my family. These days I realize I was less than kind to my three siblings on many occasions. I've said and done things I regret now, but I know I can't go back, no-one can really. I'm grateful to be getting along with my sisters these days, and a lot of the jealousy has abated. Old arguments and things do come up now and then, though through life experience I'm aware of what I say and try and control my words. Learning about karma has changed my outlook though I still struggle with anger and negativity.

Many families are dysfunctional and we were too. Aa a kid I had no real empathy and found it hard to relate to others, which set me up for future difficulties. I was a spoilt child and my parents were hard on me emotionally. I'm not saying "Oh poor me" - stuff that. I'm in my late thirties and am not going down the pathetic path of victim-blame, why should I?? I was screwed up, and don't miss my youth.

When I was 28 I hit a severe depression - it changed my life. I was helpless in my parents' lounge room with all the heaviness of everything bad I'd done and said to my family. I realized I'd led a selfish life fraught with interpersonal difficulties coming from being ungiving and close-hearted.

I've led a drifting life in the past few years, and at times alone I have realized the holes in my life - being bullied at school (and also bullying too), not feeling wanted in group sports, and the things my parents have said to me coming from their own fears and insecurities. This all sounds complicated doesn't it?? Put it this way, I'm just grateful I've made it to early middle age (haha) cause this is the best time of my life so far, and it'll get better. I'm an adult, I'm free, and I can make better choices today and in the future.

Abusive brother - London Girl - Feb 14th 2011

I have grown up with a physically and verbally abusive brother for most of my life. He is a bully and the most horrible person I have ever met in my life. He would constantly hit me by punching or slapping me. The effects afterward were worse than the physicall pain as I would feel so small and inferior everytime I was hit as I could never hit him back being a girl and much smaller. My parents could never discipline him properly, as he was uncontrollable and was scared of no ones authority. That was the worst feeling, that no one could protect me. I'd even think about seriously harming him whilst he was asleep and most vulnerable. The fact that he was abusive even put a strain on my relationship with my parents as I would take out my anger on them. I hardly have any male friends, and find it difficult to open up to men in relationships as my brother was so mean to me that It put me off all men in general.

However, there is hope in my story. My brother is alot older than me so he finally moved out and went his own way. I am 20, and now I am left at home with my parents and life is so much better I feel god has answered my prayers. Whenever he visits I feel uneasy and he has still not matured and has disrespect towards me. It sickens me that person can be so abusive and mean. I have never had a proper conversation with him in my life where I have opened up to him. I still have this hatred towards which I hope will one day go and he will become a better person.

I share this story to advise anyone who is being abused especially in their home where you should feel the most safe to seek help from parents, friends etc. But the most important thing is to learn to build a strong relationship with yourself, where you train your mind to be strong. By learning to love yourself anything bad that happens to you will simply not affect you. I wish anybody who experiences abuse to be strong and get through it, and know that they are not alone :). 

Being Abused Suckz - michaela - Dec 21st 2010

I was dating a guy who thought it would fun to abuse me; he would hit kick me do everything to me eel down. Everytime i went to his house he would hit me, one day he rapped me.       If you think this is wrong please call me an tell me what i should do.......

Abused By Step Dad - Adtzirithxoxo - Dec 19th 2010

7 Years Old I Was. When Everythinq Happened.When He Destroyed My Life.When My Whole Worldd Camee Crushinqq Down.My Step Dad (Carlos] Ruined My Life. He Did Da Must Desqustinqq Thinqs Anyone Couldd Ever Go Throuqh.But Lucally,I Hadd True Friends That Saw Everythinqq I Was Goinq Throuqh.They Saw My Suffer.They Saw My Tears.They Saw Everythinqq.&'dd Ef Eht Weren't For Them.Im Gussinqq Riqht Now I Wouldd Still Be Goinqq By All Dat Abusinqq.&'dd Thisz Comment Isz Jst Tew Tell All Does People That Aree Goinq Throuqh By Any Abuse .. Tew Go. Tell Someone .. Be Brave. Dnnt Be Scaredd.. I Know What Your Goinqq Throuqh Trust Meh.. Bt Jst Go Out.Dnt Be Scaredd.. Becauesz Then Eht Couldd Be Tew Late .. :/ We Dnt Want Dat Tew Happen..? Do We ?

-Adtzirith Partida ♥

       -xoxo-

my friend was abused - AMIE-LEIGH - Dec 10th 2010

i think that abusers should get life in jail!! why can people sit there and back them up? there sick in the f*cking head! my best friend was sexually physically and mentally abused from the age of 4! i see most of it happen and to be honest i think its absolutely disgusting!!! i had to sit there and listen to her sobbing as she scrubbed herself raw in the bath!! he got away with it up untill she was 16, i begged and begged her to tell some1 but she wouldnt! untill one day i told my mum and we have gave her so much support in the past 2 years but the dirty bastard still got none guilty!! how can this possibly happen?? i am now doing a project at college to do with child abuse i want justice!! its not fair!!

is it classed as domestic abuse if my son is verbally abusing me - lisa - Nov 30th 2010

i do not know what to do my 21year old son is verbally abusing me on a daily basis i can not take it anymore i am undergoing tests at the hospital and he shouted to me yesterday what ever it is i hope you die from it he calls me horrible names like bitch etc calls me a scruffybastard even thow my home is very clean im on edge all the time because of this some one please give me some advice i feel like ending it all just for sum peace this as been going on for a long  time now im 42 and feel such a failure

My Abuse Story - - Nov 30th 2010

I was abused by my dad since I was probably four years old along with my three brothers. I thought that it was normal to be called stupid or a whore or a slut and also to be hit when I was younger. My mother somehow was completely oblivious to my dads abuse although she was a very loving mother and always took good care of us until she worked at a job where she had to travel. Those were days of hell. I am the oldest and my brother was the second oldest. We were treated like objects to my father, we would be doing nothing wrong and sometimes our dad would come in the room and start hitting us. I could not understand his behavior, I thought it was just normal for dads to do that. We would be lifted by our throats or our hair, thrown into walls, whipped on the back with his belt, or he would try to burn us with boiling water. When I was five, a neighbor molested me, I told my dad because I knew that it was wrong and I was beaten until I felt like I couldn't speak. I never told him anything about being sexually abused after that and it took me years to finally admit I was raped. We were always afraid to come home from school and sometimes talked about just running away. I became diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 14, I had extremely low self esteem, I saw no hope for the future and I felt like I deserved everything that came to me. My dad was also diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder. And the more I read into it the more I realized how selfish he really was. I understood why he treated us like objects. I still hate my dad to this day although we still talk. But it took me years to realize that the abuse was not my fault. I had no control over it and the only thing that I can do about my past is learn from it and create a better future to prove him wrong about me. Each of my brothers still have their own problems, but out of the experience we are still adjusting well into adulthood.

Mental abuse is also harmful - - Nov 16th 2010

I think some of the worst abuse is missed in our culture. What a bout mental abuse. In work, club, family and freindships. Situational cases where people become suppressed for any reason and can then not give there best. Often times spurred along by people that have to have the perception of being right or somehow better off when in truth they are hurting people and setting up false victories in almost all that is going on. The suppressed somehow keep caring and supporting the suppressers never being lifted up themselves. So when there is a melt down be it anger, frustration, change of faith, drugs, alchohol or violent behavior everyone involved has lossed out. Shut off the damn TV and pick yourselves up and go to what angers you. It does not have to be broadcasted in a public option to be fixed for the better.

Here is wy people abuse others - - Nov 8th 2010

If you have ever been abused, this will make sense.  When a child is young, there are four "facets" of themselves that develop: thinking, sensate (pain, tickle, etc.), emotion, and I forget the other one.  Anyway, when they are controlled by others as a child, they do not fully develop any of these facets except thinking.  Instead, they develop a "persona" to hold all of the other facets.  When they become adults they anchor this persona into someone they trust.  This trusted person then becomes an extension of themselves and that is literally what they "see" this trusted person as.  When the trusted person doesn't look like their own "persona", they are very threatened. This is why abusers are always "selfish" - noone really exists but them.  See a book by Patricia Evans called "The controlling person".  If you ever suspect you are entering into an abusive relationship, BACK OFF IMMEDIATELY.  It will never get better unless the abuser goes through massive amounts of phsyco therapy to re-integrate their "persona" into themselves.

What Am I supposed to do? - In the middle - Nov 4th 2010

I am in love with my boyfriend who might soon be my future fiance'. Our relationship is great overall. We love each other very much and he has proved to me how committed he is and how much he is there for me. What troubles me though is that for the past couple months, we have been stressed over our minds. Our arguments have escalated to the point where there was a lot of verbal, mental, and the last thing that happened was physical abuse. After all that has happened, he was crying and extremely sorry and couldn't believe what he did. His mother always raised him to "hit back no matter what, even if it was a woman". He was raised with that mindset, as well as his whole family was abusive. He was beat up by his parents, his brothers, and even sexually molested by other people when he was young. Most of his relationships with other girls are consisted with them cheating on him, or doing him wrong.

When he met me, he knew that I was different. That's why he fell in love with me and I have goals in life that I want to achieve. I have also been in somewhat abusive relationships while dating but I got through it. I was going to leave my current boyfriend if he wasn't going to seek help for himself. It's been about two weeks since the last physical incident. I threatened to leave him if he ever does it again. EVER. I am still planning to take a short vacation back home and see where we are when I come back. I think this gave him a wake-up call that he does need help, and that what he's doing isn't normal because of the way he grew up. Not to mention he's in the military and has been in war. He's seeking a counselor/therapist and anger management class. and when we're together we are seeking couple counseling.

He's a good guy at heart and I want the best for him and me. I really want this to work out. Are there such things as second chances when both are willing to try? I hope so. Can this be salvaged?

please leave - hope it stops - Oct 22nd 2010

if u are being abused by your partner, leave him/her!!!!!!!!! u may love them but if they r abusing u they don't seem to love u!!!!!!!! u can always fall in love again and again but don't stay with him/her and let them0 ruin u!!!!!!!!! ur strong to say no and leave even if u have to leave when there gone and don't tell them sneak out go somewhere anywhere just get out be fore it's too late!!!!!!!!!!!!! pleaseeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Physical, pschological threat - being free - Oct 21st 2010

One relationship I had with a vietnam vet. He had a gun in every room. first the verbal attacks, then the caracter assination, always everything I had bad motives, Everything I did was wrong or should know better. everything my fault....I was suppose to be born with all the knowledge of the world I guess, and I must have alot of power to make you do things....So like maybe I am God.....Please....I had to escape, he held me hostage for 2 days after he took my keys and beat me up.I wasn't leaving my child either. So I had to pretend everything was ok, and yes it was my fault, he was right. Then I escaped by doing laundry. All his clothes I took out and my baby clothes clean and dirty, mine as well I put in laundry baskets in the car. I also packed all important papers, jewlery in diaper bags nand through them out the window behind the house. Non visable to anyone. I left , and as soon as it got dark I got my diaper bags behind the house. I never went back. He threatened to blow my head off with an AK 47. I was scared. It took me a week to go to the police. They arrested him, made him do anger management, then just slapped his hand. I had bruises everywhere and my neck where he tried to choke me. I stayed in a shelter until I got my own place. But I always was looking around and behind me. Well he found a new victum and left me alone. He died of something, but what ? I don't know. Social Sec. informed me my child was due benefits.... I am glad he is dead, the world is one less abuser. But now I'm still looking around, but just another guy. I am done with village idiots, cowards that wouldn't do these things to other men, just women and children. Be a man challenge other men. In my opinion the male abusers are whimps. I pray for us all. Report it , so they have a record, eventually they will be off the streets and no threat to innocent women and children. Especially children. An assault is an assault period. It should not be something different just because it's family. I call it violence, and it shouldn't be sugar coated and minimized. Look at the dead ones now minimize it again so your not bloodguilty. Really our society needs to wake up.

Physical, Emotional, psycho - beingfree - Oct 21st 2010

I don't understand why they abuse. I understand it.s control, but how can they rationalize convince themselves it is ok. ....I have been escaping since age 7. I had to climb out a window , sneak around buildings to get to the car with my mother. One of her friends was trying to stab her. I have had both eyes black. Child abuse was called by the school because I always had bruises. I was told never to speak about things in the family. I was put outside in the pouring rain, or whenever my mothers friend didn't want me around. I would go to the storage shed or a friends hallway to stay dry. My one friends mother discovered I kept. sitting in her hallway. She pryed out the truth. I couldn't go home or I would be beaten. Long story short. My friends mom talked to my mother. Then the lies, at that point I gave up. I became an alcoholic and drug addict....Believe me it made everything worse. I am recovered now 20 + years. But I was always attracted to angry men after. Now mid 40's. I am married 12 years and my spouse is cruel and inhumane. His father was a ss Nazi. Now he is in a nursing home. I reported it to a Jewish .org web after I left my husband.  The abuse was so bad this time, but non physical untill the end he shioved me twice. What's next death ?  They do follow the cycle outlined , and he was a great con job man. But now I am far away physically. But still worry he will someday show and blow off my head.

psychological/emotional abuse from bf and secret gf - karen - Oct 10th 2010

i met this man who i fell in love with.  why?  idk.  he never gave me anything but pain and heartache.  I "dated" him for four years.  I always had a sneaking suspicion that something was going on with his "best friend" Angie.   she was always there, would spend the nite, etc.  they both always denied it, made me out to be crazy!  Oh, she had a "bf" too but something was fishy about that too.  Jay would always twist everything to his benefit.  always denials, things "never happened", (like I imagined watching him leave in her truck!), he wasnt going to be "accused" of something he wasnt doing.  after a lot of drama, pain, suspicion, lies and downright F*** you's, we split. 

after we split, i found out all kinds of "pieces to the puzzle".  he was a sexual deviant, angie was his active sex partner for 15 yrs., they engaged in all kinds of meetups with strangers, he was a cross dresser and liked men as well as women., drugs - lots and lots of drugs over many years.  i found out all of this via internet.  hours and hours of obsessed searching - then they would send me clues in emails.  it has been a nightmare!  the person i "loved" didnt even exist!  everything that he told me over FOUR years was a lie.  it was the exact OPPOSITE of what really was going on or how he really felt.  all the while, he was filming our sex life via webcam/cameras in his bedroom.  didnt figure any of this out until after it was all over.

my gut feelings were confirmed when i got an invite to watch his webcam.  there he was having sex with his best friends bf!!  he turned his head slightly so i could make out his profile (like i didnt already recognize his body) and then turned away from the camera.  it was an in ur face - GOTCHA!!

i know i have been quite a source of amusement for the 3 of them.  they are sick and twisted people who relish in hurting and humiliating people for their sick entertainment. 

i am a mid-40's divorced mother of 4.  my marriage of 12 yrs was over and i fell in love - waaaaay tooo fast!  in love, or so i thought.  love does not hurt, love does not make u question ur own sanity, love does not make u walk around for 2 weeks barely able to function - all the while tryin to maintain so ur kids wont see.  but they knew and the could feel.

i'm DONE, FINISHED with him, her and him!  i am soooo crushed and humiliated that i will NEVER trust another man again in MY LIFE!  He has completely destroyed me for another man.  to have four years of lies - FOUR?  what was i to him - just a piece of ass - ok - but for FOUR years!  that's sick!!

he came from an abusive home, dad was an alcoholic who i hear could be really mean.  maybe mom didnt take up for him - idk.  he did tell me once that his dad never told him he loved him and that he blamed him for everything that went wrong. 

I just needed to vent - my friends are sick of hearing about it - so i dont talk about it anymore with them.  i dont talk about it all but to myself. 

i am a religious person and i can hear God telling me what to do and i listened.  but the aftermath is devastating.  i have become a bitter woman - any man that comes near me or says anything "flattering" -- i take with a grain of salt and mutter under my breath, liar.

what i cant figure out is the amount of work that they had to do on the computer and the time put into hurting someone - why?  what kind of people are these that can run around and have sex w/strangers (swingers), cross dress and masturbate on webcam every nite of the week!  do drugs and try to ruin people's lives!  what is sad is that he has 2 kids at home.  they need to be protected but with his history - he is too self absorbed - he is the one that knows everything and all come to him to ask what to do.  he is a NOBODY!  but in his mind he is as God-like as he can get!  more satan-like - i would say!

i dont ask prayers for me or for them - all these kids involved.  mine r out of the mix and r quite well adjusted.  i'm not sure what his kids have seen or walked in on - idk.  but they are the kind of kids that will tell - so far nothing has come out.  (their mom is a drug addict and he and angie got rid of her by really throwing it to her and making her look worse than what she is! and yes, they all had sex together too - i guess you have to be with both of them not just him!) NOT ME!! I'm gone - i feel better away from him, but these leftover feelings eat me up some days!

thank you for letting me pour my heart out. i hope they dont find this cause i will really be in for it then.  Angie is a computer wiz - you never know. 

we are good - we have lots of love to give - we are worthy to be loved - we are NOT CRAZY!

karen

Brother are as*h*** - Luis - Sep 28th 2010

my comment is that my brother would always abuse me by grabbing me and thowing me the floor and hitting me with black and blues now im 13 and this is continuing and its giving me marks like crazy and he would do it for no reason too i make a little tapping noise for like about three time and he would go crazy saying thats annoying and another way of he punishing me is causing my money to waste he would cut the wires of my xbox 360 so i wont play xbox live im guessing that no one loved him then when his friends come the walk all over me too but one day imma show them no matter when  

Stepmother abuse - John - Sep 19th 2010

My Mother died when I was 6 my Father remarried, my Stepmother physically and mentally abused me. I talked to my Father and he said " I know life can be tough when you turn 18 you can leave home". The physical and mental abuse continued, my Stepmother loved drama and turmoil going on all the time. Life at home was about family division, punishment with out love she never once said I love you. I was whipped across the back with a electric coffee pot cord I was beaten across the back with a wooden breadcutting board I was told by my Stepmother that I made her so mad that she wanted to beat me in the head with a hammer until blood spurts out. It was a great feeling after I graduated from high school got a job and was able to finally leave home. Several years later my father had open heart surgery and was in intensive care for 4 months and on a ventilator almost died my Stepmother told the rest of the family members that if they me about this that they would never be able to speak to my Father again.

Heartbreaking for those so helpless! - carol - Sep 7th 2010

Abuse is a terrible thing to happen to anyone,but especially a child who did not ask to be brought into this world.I see it on the news daily and my heart cries for those so innocent and young.

:'( - Alexa - Sep 5th 2010

child abuse makes me so sad..cause I Love children<3<3 and one day I want to be one of the best moms in the world(like my mom) I really don't understand why people have kids if they aren't going to take care of them... the best thing we can do is include children<3<3 who are being abused in are prayers.(I love random me)<3<3

social worker - becca - Aug 30th 2010

I'm a social worker and just breaks me into tears to know young children are going through this. Getting beat up, getting sexual touched and being threatened not to let anyone is a lie!!you CAN tell someone. they're just saying it to keep you scared. they know if they get caught they will go to jail right away. don't be scared! Tell you Teacher, she'll help you as soon as possilble. NO ONE is ever allowed to touch your body!! You dont belong to anyone. its called being assaulted. Thats against the law. Don't protect them because they're obviously not protecting YOU. CALL or tell somebody NOW....!!!!!!    Dont be scared. nothing is scarier than what your going through right now. !!!!   

corporal punishment - - Aug 24th 2010

I think every country should ban corporal punishment on children. It's not better than what we read in the newspapers everyday how dictatorship governments threat prisoners.

Why... - I want to die - Aug 22nd 2010

I was abused by my mother. She was and still is an alcoholic. I don't get why she hit me and would call me names. I guess it was just me being stupid but all i can think of is killing my self because honestly i cant take it! 

replying to "get out" - - Aug 20th 2010

thank you for your advice, i really appreciate it. i havent believed in god for the longest time, but i think ill try to.

to all the rest of the people on here leaving their stories, im only 17 but please dont dismiss my advice just because of my age. ive been through a lot and im smart, im very mature and responsible for my age. first, im very proud of myself and all of you for actually trying to get advice and talking about it. if youre being abused, ive found that it helps to make myself believe that im going to be better than them. im going to go so much farther in life than they did because im better. theyre pathetic, beating on those smaller than them because they need to feel better about themselves, they want that power over you. dont give it to them. they can hit you all they want, but theyre not going anywhere, and you are. im going to college, im going to be successful and be my own person. and most importantly, im going to be away from everything and everyone that has ever hurt me. im gong to heal. so just believe that youre 100 times better than the ones who abused you, becasue you are. its hard, at least it was for me, but its worth it. you'll feel so much better about yourself. you'll know that everytime they call you a failure or worthless that theyre lying. like i said, please dont dismiss what  isay because im 17 and dont know what its like to stress about bills or my career. but i do know how it feels to be beaton down again and again.

liz - - Aug 19th 2010

the nicest man you could meet and suddenly  my worst nightmare for trivial reasons eg if i phone he tells me im mithering but if i dont phone because out of signal im unfeeling coz he worried. tells me my work colleagues call me  so i keep myself to myself tells me my friends call me .i lost my first husband  of 23 years but even though i loved him and we had a son the last year he had drink problems its got to be me i,m worthless and ruin peoples lives whats the point only my son

get out - - Aug 5th 2010

Dear 17, thank you so much for your honesty and not giving up on reaching out.  My advise is this, stay alive and get out!  Go to college, far away from your family, live on campus, work if you need to but get out and far away.  Don't be afraid, don't let fear paralize you, you are smart for a reason, this is a gift, a gift to get you out, join the military if you have to but get out.  Don't be in a situation where you ever have to depend on your parents again.  Cut yourself loose from this abusive cycle.  You dont owe them anything, and although the state does not see it, they have lost their rights to you already.  Just continue to get good grades and then get out on your own for yourself.  Go to anyone you feel safe with if you need to, finish school and get far away and don't let them know where you are or at least get far enough away that it will be really hard for them to get to you. i don't know if you have distant relatives out of state, someone you know is safe from you childhood, but do what you can and use your instincts and PRAY.  You will need it and I will pray for you.  I did this, I left home but not until 21 and didn't look back for years. I went on to finish college and graduate school and now happily married, but it took a lot of healing while I was in college, when I was finally safe enough to let the walls down, but it happened, I still have my self esteem issues, but was finally able to say I was beautiful without fear or shame.   You are a gift to the world, what other reason would they try so hard to crush you? but you have made it this far and I pray that you keep on, holding on until you find a safe place and time.  Working through this will make you so much of a help to others, don't give up, there are people out there who really care.  Once I got out, many more people were put in my path to help me on my way to healing.  It only came for me when I released the guilt enough to go away and make my own life on my own without the constant fear and criticism. It is amazing what you can acccomplish when you are out from under such oppression.  I am thinking and praying for you. Peace, someone out there on the path ahead. 

abuse... - - Aug 4th 2010

im only 17 and ive been abused since i was around 3 yrs old. my father is crazy. me, my siblings, my mother...we all were beaten. i remember seeing my dad hit my elder brother with a shovel twice in the back. i was 5 then, that wouldve made my brother 8 at that time. ive went through many many beatings in my life. too many for a teenager. my mother wasnt and still isnt a very good person. she cares about image only. me and my elder brother were the ones who got the brunt of all the abuse. our mom hated us and showed it, all because we didnt want what she wanted. we are both very smart, straight a students surprisingly enough. thats the only thing shes ever been happy with when it came to me and him. i think my dad beat me and him the most because we were big enough to take it and because we were his actual kids. he liked using my hair as a hand-hold so i couldnt get away, id get my face slammed into the table, the wall, the fridge, etc. hes hit me with a golf club across the back before. that was recently. i have a herniated disk in my lower back because of his excessive abuse. i have a dent in my left shin where he hit me with a metal pipe one time. ive had to miss many days of school because of him. too many black eyes and a bruised face. my dad has put me through so much physical and emotional abuse. sometimes i feel like ill go mad and kill myself or something. he gave me a hickie when i was in the 3rd grade and to this day he still talks about it like its one of his favorite past times. its horrible, he makes derogatory comments about my chest, my butt, my figure, anything. my family has had many many court visits over this and they have done nothing. im so angry all the time over this, and i feel like thats the only emotion i have left. its like my parents have drained me dry. i dont feel human anymore. im really not sure how to handle this, usually i just hold it in and just push my way through life. i do the best i can and i try so hard to make them happy. its crazy, but i still love my parents. i do know though, that because of my experiences i want to be a psychologist. i want to help people like me.

i still resent my mother. she stayed with my father for the first 9 yrs of my life and never put a stop to the abuse, she didnt care...the only reason she left him was because she found a man that actually had money and for some reasoin liked her. not even six months after they married i got to witness him putting a screwdriver to her neck. i had to call the police. i had just turned 10.

a few other things that have happened: i had four prong marks on my hand from where my dad stabbed me with a fork, it hurt so damn much and he just sat there and laughed. i hit him back once. he smacked me across the face(i hate that with a passion)i just snapped and the next thing i knew i was delivering a nice right hook to the side of his face. i will NEVER hit him again. that night was hell. he didnt touch my face. he kicked me repeatedly in the stomach, back, ribs. i was kicked back and worth across the kitchen floor. he made me go to school the next day. it hurt soo bad to move. i was 15 and i had honors classes, which means big books, i had to carry everything all over campus. youd think id painted my stomach black, purple, and some other weird color if you saw it. he calls me names all the time too. whore, bitch, worthless, useless, stupid. according to him ill never make it anywhere in life because im such a failure. i have very low self-esteem. he told me i was ugly when i was little, it stuck. he never makes derogatory comments about my face, just my body. im told im pretty and gorgeous all the time but i just cant seem to make myself believe it...

id really appreciate some kind of advice.

Abused - Claire - Aug 2nd 2010

My name is Claire, growing up I was physically,mentally and verbally abused by my father, he would beat me for ANY little thing I would do. As a little girl you are scared,terrified of the words the hits and now till this day I'm 24yrs old and when speaking about it, it still makes me break into tears. I cry like a little girl when I remember. Growing up wasn't easy I ran away at the age of 15 because I couldn't take my fathers treatment anymore. Running away with who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was wrong. I ran away with the guy who was my boyfriend at the time. I ended up in the same situation, he would beat me, and even chocked me twice, i dont know if his intentions were to kill me while choking me but why else would u choke someone right? Im emotionally hurt by all of this. I don't know how to overcome it. Eventhough I try not to let it bother me at times or even think about it, it's still very fresh in me and its affecting my relationship with other people. How can I cope with this?be a better person? eventhough I think i am going to be left with this scar for the rest of my life...........sadly 

who cares about the kids - LaShon Anderson - Jul 28th 2010

I have a 9 yr. old daughter who was abused by her father who is in the Navy, also his wife that works or Red Cross and the wife's grandmother in VA. Nobody seems to care I have been all around to agencies like DYFS and wrote to the big people. All I get is that I can not help you what the hell!!!!!!!!

Mind games and money. - Joe - Jun 23rd 2010

Its really dificult living with some one who is abusive and only abstract friends and contacts who I can go to as a last resort, tempararally.

The shared buisness is taking a turn where stock is disapearing and now that is being pinned on my forhead, along with everything else, the result of defending my family members and besides saying that I didnt do it, there is, apearently nothing that I can do about it.

My attempts to distanse myself, is also being completly torpedo'ed, by these same people, once again, I can do nothing about it.

Money that I have invested, is at risk of being taken, currently my only hand outa here.

Its safe to say, dont go into buisness with family, in the end, its not economic, in my case, it turned into a burden, pretty much on every one, Interests change, and inevitebly situations can turn very bad and sour.

I dont know what I would have done if I didnt run across this well laid out information.

Also, it felt like a 5 min distraction, where my mind became clear and I could see clearly as I wrote this.

The 5 out of 6 patarns fit.

 

I'll never be at peace. - - Jun 22nd 2010

This fits my ex "narcissistic sociopathy" and it's likely he had someone else. (I couldn't prove it.) I ended up snapping in the end and he didn't showed any remorse. I didn't have support of people I thought were friends and he had the complete things under his control.

This is something he has been doing for others for years. To take the attention off himself he "rats" out other people, provokes them to angry, etc. And then tries to turn it around on him.

He usues projective identification a lot. He suffers from drug and alcohol problems and no one sees it and he places the blame on others.

He got away with physically abusing me because he knew I was emotionally involved in the end and I cared and loved him.

I've notice this is what they wait for-for the person to begin to love or care about them first so they can have control over everything.

It's been 6 months and I'm still not better. (I've quit everything I was doing and still doing things like it would please him.) I wasn't able to get justice either and in the area I live in...they don't care. The only thing an officer said to me is "how do you feel now". They don't care because his parents live in the area and he finally got his CPA. (So, it makes these people "nice".)

 

keeps happening - - Jun 20th 2010

I got out of a horrible relationship about 5 yrs ago and did not let myself heal long enough and seem to be in the same sort of relationship. I wish I saw it happening sooner. Advice to others. . .do not be in a hurry to find another companion, take the time to heal.

I will be glad - hicks - Jun 17th 2010

Almost a month and a half I still feel pain.  I will be glad when this is in the past.

WILL I EVER BE THE SAME - - Jun 14th 2010

Finally i have left and cannot keep digging and digging to see if i am right to have done so and also the abusive relationship caused me to say things i never wanted to in trying to stick up for myself and in my confusion.  I fell less than what i am and this sickens me more than what he did or said...............I want to forgive myself

(never in my life) - - May 27th 2010

For all those people out there that have been abused i feel horrible that you have ...i mean ive never been abused so idk how it feels but one thing you should kno is stay strong no matter how many times they hurt you...just think about it when your old and you die you can get away from it and live in heaven and be FREE!!

get some help - hicks - May 20th 2010

just realized after 12 yrs that I was being mentally abused and the abuser as well was abused by his father and abused his mother.  Also this lead to an antisocial disorder.  I hurt but because due to the numbness of his feelings He is not remorseful at all.  to God be the glory I have started counciling

to the first comment - - May 18th 2010

I too have grown up with abuse. My father was abusive to my mother, sister, and I. When I get mad I want to bad to punch someone in the face, and for the first time last week I did, eventhough it was for a good reason, I know I shouldn't have. I am only 16 and I am trying so hard to control my temper, but at times I can't. My family blames it on the German, but I think it's mainly caused from the abuse.

For Ariel - - May 16th 2010

Ariel, please tell your dad or your mother, whoever you think will believe you.  If they don't believe you go to child protection services. It's a difficult thing to do but you have to be strong and protect yourself from this man. They are many people willing to help if they know your story. Don't be afraid. Dont let him manipulate you like that. He thinks you are weak but proof him wrong. Make him pay for what he did to you.

walk out - NEVER bEEN aBUSED - May 15th 2010

i have never been abused, but fr those who are bieng fought/pshycally absed i say whe the man/woman is out leave him without him knowing, or call the police,also with sexual abuse YOU CAN SAY NO , So say no to it, mental abuse, let the abuser know that you know what they are doing to you, they wont feel so smart anymore! 

idk how bieng abused is but this is what id do

if you love yourself - bre - Apr 27th 2010

If you love yourself enough you wil get help when abuse occurs never wait until a couple years later, even if people don't believe you. anger engulfs you with madness, but love consumes you with understanding

ABUSE - ARIEL (MAR. 5TH, 2010) - STDL - Mar 26th 2010

Dearest Ariel, my most sincere concern for what you must be going through at this time.  However, you must make yourself strong and bold to overcome this temporary setback in your life.  You are 13 yrs of age and still considered a minor.  You are not the mature one in this situation and you did not cause this molestation/abuse to happen.  Your father's "make believe friend" is not a true friend as he would like people to believe.  Otherwise he would not have done what he did, to cause heartbreak to your father and those most dear and close to his heart.  Furthermore, who knows what other children he has abused besides yourself?  You are most familiar with your father's temperament.  If he is quick tempered, first, maybe you should confide in someone you can trust:  your church pastor/priest, school teacher, or call Child Protective Services or dial Crisis Hotline and provide them with all necessary details as to his name, etc.  It is up to you to help stop this predator or he will continue.  I will keep you in my prayers! 

it is wrong - sarah - Mar 24th 2010

i think it is wrong to do that to childs they did't do anything to have to go thow this. i what to make a diffent in this kids life i really fell sorry for the kids that die of being abuse

addicted - kasandra - Mar 24th 2010

i am addicted to being abused

Abuse - Persil - Mar 10th 2010

I am pleased to say though,I made up with my mother,but what the other family members have done,they can go and suck themselves,they have behaved appallingly.My elderly mother is getting on and is in a care home,I entertain her on a monthly basis,I don't blame her for everything,but I am her daughter and I love her very much,its a case of,its family member problems of their own,if they can't get over it,I have done nothing wrong.But love my mum and one brother and my children.

to ARIEL - Kaylynne - Mar 8th 2010

Hello Ariel. Right now you feel like you are in a really tough situation, because you are scared of anything that may happen because of what you decide to do.

I can imagine myself in your situation and my dad's friend telling me that. But my dad would definatly do something about it and i bet yours would too. TELL him please...things can get much much worse if you do not. if you think your dad will not help you which i think He will! find another and another person close to you to tell. make sure you do not stay in this situation.

abuse - ariel - Mar 5th 2010

im ariel and im 13. my dads best friend in the whole wide world that they have known and worked together since they were little sexually abuses me. he said if i told my dad that he wouldnt believe me. im afraid  to tell my dad. plz email me any advice that you have

im sorry for everybody out there - - Mar 3rd 2010

im sorry for everybody out there who is getting abused and one day i hope you find a way out of your problem god bless you all!!!!!!!!!!

...cps can and will do nothing - - Feb 7th 2010

Your friend is a grown man. Unless he chooses to press charges there is no legal action you can take that will make a difference. Encouragement, understanding, love, hope, and many hours of disscussion may help him realise his idea of changing his father is folly. Just don't turn your back on him.. Good luck

dont have to - Raquel paulk - Jan 12th 2010

to give some advice dont let your friend go throught all that give him some help or tell him to call child service. i understand he has no where else to go but he doesn't need that in his life because that can effect him really bad he can start beaten up on women.

Father Beats Me and all I want is for him to love me!!! - - Dec 26th 2009

My friend is 19, His father beats him for very weird and stupid reasons(he is living with his father because he doesn't have anything else to go to and he said he just wants to fix the problem with his dad)! He doesn't talk about it much, nor does he know what to do to fix the problem with his father, but he said that he wanted to be with me as a couple and that his family celebrated christmas on saturday, so he was coming here for christmas, a few hours later I found out his father and him got into a fight and his father beat him badly, I think the fight was over me!! I feel horrible, now he won't talk to me! He has mentioned to me that he thinks that he will just join the army, so he will have a place to go and so that he can do something great with his life( even though I think him just being here alive makes this world a better place, and his life is great), but he won't even come see or call me before he goes, if he desides. Then I found out last night he was at his ex's, but he texted me and said nothing was going to happen!! I don't blame him for going there and for running to what is formular, but I want to talk to him!! and tell him that I understand(which I do, my mother used to beat on me, when she was on drugs, but I never told him before, and I don't want him to think that I'm just making it up to get him back!! Truthfully I just want him happy, and safe! I don't know if I want him to be my boyfriend but I do know I want him as a friend!! It seems to me that I have a lot going on and so does he, with relationships, life, and love!!! I guess I'm asking anyone who has any true advice to email me @ apasonlyone@aol.com with that advice with my problem, as well as his, on life, love, fixing the problem with his father, and anything in this message, maybe you should even contact him@ mad_man_2069@yahoo.com and help him!! please anyone that has true advice and not just a comment, I'm here for help, not just your opinion! htnak you anyone who is able to help, during this hard time!

Abuse of any kind is wrong - Santa Ross - Dec 25th 2009

Abuse of any kind is wrong.  To post comments anonymously is a form of support.  The abused need to have an outlet in order to speak without being censored by the abuser.  Many abusers might act like they care about you and your feelings, but in all actuality the truth is that they just do not have the ability to care about anything or anybody but themselves or who they think may be beneficial to their cause.  Themselves!  If at anytime you are afforded the opportunity to leave.  GO. Don't look back to get sucked into that insane state of existing. God be with you.

i need help. - - Dec 17th 2009

Im sixteen years old and im mentally abused by my boyfriend. Please email me and help me.

response to posters questions - - Dec 14th 2009

My one family member could not believe my father was a 'totally diiferent person than she or his brother knew then'. We have a father' exactly as the poster said about the 'father' being so happy in front of others and so unhappy and abusive at home..he would pick lint off of my mothers clothes and tell her ;u look like a (bum, degnerate) in an ugly tone ,.. for invisible lint..  where is the dr. here to let us know what is that about?! What mental illness is that?!

agreement - Amy - Dec 11th 2009

I agree.

Online Radio Shows on Abusive Relationships - Deborrah Cooper - Dec 6th 2009

I happened upon this site accidentally and was horrified to see so much abuse happening.  I can totally identify with the young lady that posted about online abusers, because I have personal experience with that behavior. It's as if some men believe they have the right to denigrate and insult women, calling us vile names, insulting our bodies (that they've never seen!), our looks (that they've never seen), careers, opinions, etc.  It seems that our culture of misogyny embraces this negativity towards women, so the perpetrators go unpunished. :(

There are two excellent shows on Blogtalk on the subject of abuse. One is tonight with Dr. Katherine van Wormer, authof of "Death by Domestic Violence - Preventing the Murders and Murder-Suicides" and the other is on Wednesday, December 9th "Why Do I Love a Man That Hurts Me?" with former Los Angeles prosecutor Robin Sax and Patricia Evans, psychotherapist and author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "The verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" 

If you are interested in either or both shows they can be found on the index at www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat.

Stay strong.

I would like to know too - curiousi - Dec 5th 2009

Is it any surprise that the child most commonly referred to as…..

Dinny dimwit

Dopey dildock

Stunod

Stupid gupid

Stupid

Mala translation = bad) She said that’s what I should have been named.

Mind like a sieve

Good for nothing wretched witch.

Found alcohol and pot as a place to escape. As a result of drinking. I was raped while I was passed out and unable to defend myself. I woke up in the middle of being raped. That experience shaped my life for many years.

Then as a teenager I was known as……….

Whure

Party Girl

Buton (puttana) that’s Italian for whore. My abysmally ignorant mother didn’t know the correct pronunciation.)

Loose as a goose

Comments were freely made about my physical features…...

Uneven eyes

Crooked Nose

Bucky Beaver

Narrow upper jaw.

No waist

High Ass

Big feet

Clem cadiddle hopper

Baby voice

Monotone voice

Laugh

Walk

The way I dressed.

My friends

I was even criticized for eating too quickly.

In spite of the many attempts made to kill my soul. I have prevailed and become incredibly self reliant . Developing into an adult that’s so self-reliant that I do not care what others think about me. Perhaps to my detriment…. That I am currently at this time in my life, very isolated. The isolation is also due in part to the fact that I moved to a suburban area where most people are married, limiting the amount of people to socialize with. In addition, the two people I was closest to have died within the past three years. My old friends that I did have lived over two hours away. But then we had a falling out so we no longer speak.

Outside the home I was also bullied usually by older kids, bullying I’m sorry to say also followed me into the workplace. I’ve often worked in a male dominated setting. Not sure if that has any bearing on the situation.

I guess people can sniff out a bleeding soul? Also, it’s probably my behavior. If I knew what I did to encourage bullying I’d stop right away. After reading and rereading what I’ve written. Maybe it’s not what I do but what I don’t do. I should probably strand up for myself from the onset. I usually let things ride hoping that they’ll stop on their own. I am physically tougher than most. And I suppose emotionally tougher too.

At this time I feel particularly vulnerable to my Mothers verbal assaults. Since she is really the only person I have a relationship with at this time.

I quit my job this summer because of illness, I had a severe bacterial infection that affected my liver. After that had a virus Hopefully, I’ll be getting another job soon enough.

It goes without saying. I’ve made terrible choices in relationships with men.

I’m still hopeful that I will meet a good man that I can love and that will love me.

Most recent criticisms: from my mother

Sick in the head

Twisted

Schizoid

Crazy

Friendless

My eating habits: The amount of food I eat

Wrinkles: I should have an eye job.

Abnormal hearing: she claims my ears are ‘super sensitive’ (as it turns out, she went for a hearing test recently and was told she’s lost over 40 percent of her hearing)

Eye Lashes: are sparse

Weight: my weight is in fact proportionate to my height. My mother is the one w/ the weight issue. She is 5’4" weighing in at 200 lbs.

When she talks to my dog about me she refers to me as, "your stupid mother".

She tells me people will think I’m eccentric because of the way I dress.

Her tirades and criticisms seem to bite more know than ever. When my sister was alive her venom seemed diluted since we’d roll our eyes or we’d talk about it.

"You have no friends"; is a barb thrown at me constantly. My older sibling and mother use this fact and hurl it at me like a weapon. As I mentioned earlier, the two people closest to me have died. It’s true , I am without friends at this time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m good, but I cannot prevent people from dying She constantly mentions that I don’t have friends in an attempt to hurt me. In a letter written to my mother by my older sibling. He also mentions the fact that, "you can count the number of friends she has on one hand, she’s a coward and should get over whatever happened to her when she was young" The friend part is is false, I don’t even have that many now. I realize it’s a situational thing and changeable in time.

Their need for acceptance is much greater than mine. They seem more concerned about me not having friends than I do. Admittedly, it would be nice to have someone to do something with occasionally. Beyond that I’m ok with the way things are.

My older sibling is 10 years my senior. He’s freely made derogatory comments about my physical appearance thruout my life. When I bring this up to my mother she say’s, "that’s what older brothers do."

When I was 13 years old, that would have made him 23. I was sitting across from him at the breakfast table. Deciding, he didn’t like the look on my face (I was half-asleep) He beat me repeatedly on my head with his fist. Raising over 10 lumps on my skull caused by the ring he wore. It hurt like hell. I never mentioned this to my parents for he was the golden child.

I knew not to confide in my bullies about being bullied. On another occasion, at the lake he pushed my head under the water and held me under against my will, I was six years old. I was frightened, gasping for breath and I choked on the water. As an adult, he struck me numerous times with the television remote again and again raising swollen lumps on my head. Strangely, I had blocked out the assault with the remote. I had recollection of it after my mother reminded me. Most recently, 3 year’s ago he pushed me out the living room back wards of a house we jointly owned. And then slammed the door in my face locking me out. The common theme here is unprovoked attacks. I was blindsided each and every time. If I had seen it coming I would have tried to defend myself. Second thought, that probably would have made the attacks worse. After the pushing incident, I decided not to speak to my brother. I have not spoken to him in three years.

The other day my mother asked me, what must the neighbors think that you don’t speak to your brother? I don’t care what the neighbors think. I did not dignify her question with an answer.

My parents both punished me physically with spankings or the belt.

I recall one time in particular. I was in the bathroom shirtless and my mother hit me repeatedly with a leather belt on my back. At that moment, I knew how the slaves felt. The position I found myself in was more painful than the actual strapping. I felt frustrated and humiliated. I was unable to turn and defend myself because I was afraid of being hit in the face. Moreover, I was told "God would strike me dead if I raised a hand to my mother".

On another occasion I was four or five steps from the bottom of the stairwell. She pushed me down the remaining steps causing me to fall down. When I attempted to get back up she stood on my hair and kicked me in my side several times, feeling absolutely defenseless, I was terror stricken.

Another time, when I was 15 yo. I came home drunk. I honestly think someone spiked the two pony beers I had. My father proceeded to knock me around the kitchen, I was bouncing off the cabinets. He literally cleaned the floor with me. I vaguely remember my Mother screaming and pleading with him to stop. I went fetal and protected my face and head the best I could. Apparently, I had attempted to defend myself. The following morning I saw he had a small scratch on his face. I’m able to forgive my father for this. I understand he was bullied so I became his scapegoat. If I asked him for help with my homework and I didn’t grasp in immediately. He’s shout at me, Are you stupid?" over and over. Not exactly, an environment conducive for learning.

As a result of my wildness, they threw me out when I was sixteen. I went to live with my boyfriend and his family. Approximately, a year later I moved out of his house and back in with my family because he struck me. His reason for hitting me was because I cheated on him.

Once when my grandmother was babysitting me she washed my mouth out with soap and my lip got caught on my buckey beaver tooth causing my lip to bleed. I don’t remember what I said. To draw blood was excessive.

When I told my mother many years later about what gram had done. Her response was, "oh I didn’t know she did that" and "you probably deserved it".

Recently, I mentioned to my mother the time she beat me with the belt. I was surprised she didn’t deny it. She actually said, " you remembered that?".

The only person in my immediate family who did not physically assault me was my sister. She’s dead now. Three years gone February 2010.

I’ve lost the sanest person I knew. Ironically, she died of Pick’s Syndrome, a disease that affects your memory. Maybe she tried too hard to block things out. I don’t know if she was verbally or physically abused when she was younger. But when she became ill, she moved back home (with resistance). My mother did speak to her very abusively. As noted by the neighbor,. I know it took great patience to deal with my sister when she was ill. But many times my mother was unnescerally nasty and to say she was short on patience would be an understatement. The screaming was constant.

As a teen my sister had ‘cut’ her legs up and down. Being much younger than my sister I don’t remember the cutting. My mother mentioned this to me a few year’s ago.

To this day, I wonder what was bothering her.

In the wake of one of my mother’s rants.My sister said, "mom wasn’t always like this." My cousin whom I was very close to. Advised me I’d be better off far away from my mother. At the time I thought her sentiment was disloyal. But now after so many years. I understand she was right.

It’s very important to my mother to portray the ‘family’ as perfect,above reproach. From the way we talk, walk and especially dress. She’d always say, "you’re a reflection on the family". Recently, she accused me of discussing my older sibling and the fact that I don’t speak to him with a friend/neighbor.

I was told not discuss family matters with anyone. To do so would be disloyal. Not to confide in anyone at anytime was the message. I was warned she’d, "never speak to me again." In retrospect, maybe that would have been a good thing.

No one would have believed me if I had told them what was going on in my house. My brother and sister were straight A students. My sister was very pretty and a good student. Pretty enough to enter a beauty contest. My sister left for college when I was four and my brother left for college when I was eight. I belive things went from bad to worse after they left.

One time when I was young, I was outside playing with two friends who were brothers. They said, "My father is better than your father, you’re father is no good" and they continued to repeat it over and over. They seemed shocked when I did not reply. They said, _ _ _ _ _ why aren’t you saying anything back? And my reply was, you’re probably right, my mother say’s the same thing about my father. Now I realize that’s just a game kids play. When looking back on my reply, it’s kinda sad. Another time a neighbor inquired as to how I was doing. And I thought they had asked after my brother. As everyone asked all the time about my brother. So I started to give them the most up to date status on my brothers affairs. They said, I didn’t ask about _ _ _ _, I asked about you. My reply was, "It doesn’t matter how I’m doing". They were very nice about it. They tried to convince me that it did matter how I was doing, I couldn’t be swayed.In looking back I see I was so thorougly brain washed into believing that I was no good and unworthy of mention. I also feel badly about not defending my father to the two brothers. I never saw him defend himself or me against my mother.  Ultimately, he died of a stroke due to high blood pressure.

I just want to clarify, I was not beaten all the time. The things mentioned above are certainly the bulk of the beatings. I think what was more damaging was the verbal abuse, which was constant. And still goes on to this day.

I have started talking. I call a mental health talk line and speak anonomously. I’m playing by new rules, " Where physical abuse, verbal abuse and criticism of any kind don’t have a home. Because Love lives in me. I have right to be here. I think I’m ok the way I am. I’d like to reach the point and say I know I’m ok the way I am. I find it so difficult to deal with my mother. Thinking about starting therapy to learn how to set boundaries.

Managed to have an argument with her today. That was carried over from a week ago. I’ve been keeping my distance. I live in a small town; everyone loves to make up stories. Two years ago I had a medical procedure. Word on the street was that I had died. Needless, to say some were surprised when I was up and walking. I know exactly who started the rumor: I ‘ve asked my mother never to discuss me again with those people. Well, what she did was run down to their house and apprise them of my current situation involving travel. I’m sure it will come back in a much-shaded version of the truth. She couldn’t understand why I was upset. As I was expressing my shock and disbelief at what she had done, the screaming started. She yelled at me and of course made mention that I have no friends. I left the house. As a result I kept my distance for the week and only went there today because I had to. I confronted her about sharing my personal info with other people, which caused more screaming she accused me of trying to give her a stroke.

I remained calm and inquired as to why she couldn’t speak in a normal tone of voice. I told her to keep it down and she’s not to yell at me anymore. Then she turns around and accused me of yelling at her. Who’s crazy.

Why are you still with him? - ashlememphis - Dec 4th 2009

If your bf is treating you that way, why are you still there? You know that it's not right. He rapes you and beats you. If someone else told you their bf was doing that to them I'm sure you would tell them to leave him. You need to care about yourself more than you care about him. Please leave him before he kills you.

My On and Off Boyfriend - Aleah - Dec 3rd 2009

I have a boyfriend and he hits me all the time. He beats, rapes, yells, slaps, and accuses me of cheating all the time. If he wants to have sex and i refuse he either rapes, or beat me until i give in. When i am looking or being accused of looking at another man he grabs me by the neck and slaps me in front of everyone, this makes me feel very embarressed. Please anyone reading this story help me out and tell me the right thing to do before it's too late.

i feel so alone. - - Nov 24th 2009

how do i make things right in an abusive relationship without haveinh to break up??? i have no one to talk to! 

being mentaly abused by my boyfriend! - - Nov 24th 2009

i am being mentaly abused by mi boyfriend, i find it so hard some times i am now depresed i dnt ever do my makeup i dnt go out i cant talk to any other men, i get quized every time i go out and thats why i dnt anymore. i never see my friends anymore, he would tel me if i am alloued to go out i am even made guilty wen family askes me. Also if i am not back for a sertin time all hell breakes loose, he has through things at me helld me down for no reason that deservers that he has never hit me... when i cry after he has been cheeky i am told i am a cry baby an to grow up and get a bit of back bone he dosnt lyk to see me cry so now i do it when hes not ther . i always feel as tho i can not do anything right. for example he tells me what to do all the time as in cleaning the house and i no that prob sounds silly but i am working a 56 hour week i have no time to myself and when i come home i clean then go to bed i am told that i am a lazy b****, iv no ambitchion to do anything when al i do is things for him and he never notices he wil always find something to have a go at me for yet he dose nothing to help an blames me for everything.  he dose nothing rong n he is always right. He cals me horible manes and makes me feel realy low i feel lyk all he wants is lifted n layed.   Weeks could go by and things are realy good sometimes months and then 1 day the comes home from work and he is a diferent man, i now cant be bothered with anything i can only explane him as jackel n hide a click of a finger and the man i love and adore is no longer ther, he feels bad after and appologises an tells me he shouldnt do what he dose n he dosent mean it or he would just act as if nothing hapened and then wonders why i am up set. i reali feel that he has problems and i wnt to help him but any time i confront him about the way he gets on and how it makes me feel its not him its me!! i have never met any1 lyk him and i honestlly have to say i dnt think he dosnt relises the way he speaks to me sometimes reali gets me down !!!!!!!!! i dont no how to help him as a person thats indnial is had to make listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Hurtfull Memories - Sarah - Nov 22nd 2009

From the time i was 5 to the time I was 12, and moved to my dads, i was mentally, verbally physically and sexually abused. My step dad used to tell me that it was 'our little secret' and 'not to tell mommy or she would be mad at me'. I believed these things when I was young because I had no reason not to. He used to tell me i was a 'whimp' when i couldn't open a jar of something, he used to put me down in every way posssible. When I was 6 he started to pinch me on my legs. My councellor told me that this was a form of grooming, as in getting me used to him touching me. About a year later the pinching increased, this time it was on my inner thighs. Around another year later is when he started touching me. I have many horrible memories of many horrible days. But the bottom line is that I told someone, and you have to too. Someone is always there to help, and for me it was my dad and my best friend.

Much thanks to the both of them.

MY INSPIRATIONAL STORY - 2009 - SHARON - Nov 14th 2009

My real name is Sharon  (Not Frances). 

I wrote the following Articles which I posted onto this site:

A)  "The affects of Suffering From Abuse - Nov 12 2009"

B)  "Response to Verbal Abuse - Oct 30 2009"

C)  "Response to "Don't Want To Be Responsible - Oct 22 2009"; and

D)  "Sharon's Survival of Abuse" - Parts 1-3.

Further to the above, I am now ready to share another story and hope I can help someone turn their life around like I did. 

Two months after marriage, my health deteriorated.  After rehabilitation and strong will to beat my health problem, I was faced with yet another BIG challenge..... 

I was subjected to crucial daily abuse - both morning & night and full days on week-ends.  It never stopped.  When I came out of hospital, the abuse was more and more constant.  

From the lowest point I turned my life back around and had STRONG SUPPORT.  I made a POSITIVE decision to divorce and say NO to abuse. 

The important thing here is NEVER let anyone take away your spirit of who you are as a person !  Say NO to domestic violence. 

The first step is recognise it, decide what appropriate action to take and seek help.  

Live life to the fullest.  A life is not lived if it's only half lived.   Best of Luck. 

Sharon.

To the WOW poster - - Nov 14th 2009

Not only is **** you abusive, but it's very childish.

To WOW - - Nov 14th 2009

The only person that can protect the children is that mother. She said herself "when will I have enough?" It should be enough that their psychological well being is at stake. That could cause them long term psychological issues.

 If it were for financial reasons...etc, she would have had enough, but feels trapped. She did not state that. I'm simply going by the context of her post.

The point I was trying to make was, She is the only person that can change things. People treat you as you allow them to treat you. If you stand by and let abusers abuse, who else is to blame? Usually (not always) abusers don't change, but only get worse. She needs to take control back. I thought that was basic psychology.    

Wow.. - - Nov 11th 2009

I was looking up something about abuse as a child because my husband was. Not that he is abusive at all, I wanted to find out how to help him open up or organize thoughts when he is upset. He has problems explaining what he is feeling and I think it has to do with his past (and being a man, hehe) Anyway...

Michelle...who the hell are you to talk to that person like that??? "you have no one to blame but yourself"...I will say it for the last writer **** You!

People are in situations that I could never fully understand, let alone comfort them. And you have done nothing but abuse her yourself. She came here looking for help and you treat her the same as her husband! Why you don't you go take a chill pill and come back on after that!

Anyway being in a abusive relationship is not an easy one to get out of, not in the least. Many women are stuck financially and/or have no family members to turn to. I feel sorry for those stuck, I hope one day you find your light at the end of the tunnel!

 

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