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Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Mar 16th 2016

Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?

paper heart being ripped in twoThe second question, "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?" is also somewhat complex to understand. Partners in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them. A first layer of the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship is practical, even if they are not always rational. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them. For instance, an abused stay-at-home mother may feel that she cannot leave her abusive relationship because if she did, she would have no way of providing for her children. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background. Some practicing religious people, for example, believe that divorce is a bad thing to be avoided at most all costs. They may be motivated to put up with a lot of spousal abuse because the alternative is to go against the teachings of their faith. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. They might say to themselves, "If it was just me, I'd leave this marriage, but my children will be better off coming from an intact home than from a divorced one". This may not be a rational position to take in all cases; the children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother. However, regardless of the truth of any of these rationalizations, the believe that they are true is more powerful than whether or not they are really true.

A second layer of reasons for why people stay in abusive relationships is uncovered by learning about the so-called "cycle of abuse." In a typical instance of domestic abuse (where one partner is abusive towards the other), abuse tends to occur periodically (cyclically), rather than constantly (all the time). There is no clear beginning to the cycle of abuse, but for purposes of describing it, we can start at an arbitrary stage along its progression. Something event occurs, whether real or only imagined by the abuser, that generates feelings of anger or even rage. These feelings then lead to the second stage of the cycle, which is where the actual abusive behavior occurs. Such behavior may be verbal, physical, emotional/mental, or sexual in nature. If the cycle stopped here and stayed constant, most victims would find it very easy to leave and not endure abuse for long periods of time. However, shortly after the abusive event occurs, the abuser frequently expresses remorse or guilt and wants to apologize. The abuser will swear, "It will never happen again" and may shower the victim with gifts and demands that the victim forgive him or her. There may be so-called "makeup sex" which can be quite pleasurable and provide the victim with a sense that he or she is valued, and really loved. In a parent/child abusive relationship, guilt over abuse may be expressed as special privileges or gifts for the child victim. Following the guilt and making up stage comes a "honeymoon" or latency period during which things are good for a while between the partners. Inevitably, in truly abusive relationships, the latency period ends with the beginning of another abuse episode; the abuser again feels angry, disrespected or treated poorly in some way and the cycle starts all over again.

Though such cyclical abuse is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent, and the rest of the relationship might be perceived as good enough or even loving. In this context, victims often rationalize that they aren't really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive and that makes it okay, that the abuse really isn't all that bad, and other similar statements. Victims are motivated to generate excuses their abuser, to think of each abuse episode as a "one time" thing (even when it isn't), and to focus on the good aspects of the relationship (particularly those positive things that during the guilt/latency phase of the abuse cycle) and convince themselves that the relationship is really a good one and that everyone has some problems in a relationship, i.e., my partner just occasionally loses his/her temper when really stressed at work, etc. Or for those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don’t deserve any better” or “this is the best relationship I’ve had in my life.”

Victims may have any number of low-self-esteem type beliefs that also keep them paralyzed and willing to accept something that is merely "good enough." They may believe that they will be alone forever if they go out on their own. They may believe that they are so damaged that they would only pick another abusive partner anyway so why not stay with this one? They may believe that they don't deserve any better than to be beaten or raped on a semi-regular basis. Abusers may reinforce this lack of self-worth by saying that abuse is normal, that they are over-reacting, etc.

Victims that do try to break away from abusive partners may find that abuse escalates to dangerous proportions. Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, beat them severely, or otherwise attempt to control their ability to exit the relationship. If they don't threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened suicide from happening.

The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, intermittent actual abuse, makeup sex or other positive attention obtained in the wake of abuse episodes, and escalating threats when the victim tries to get away is enough to convince many victims to stay put. Every time a victim forgives an abuser, that abuser is reinforced for being abusive, and it becomes that much more likely that the abuser will become abusive again in the future. The net effect is that the abuse tends to continue forever until the victim finds the courage to leave or is abused to death (e.g., murdered, in the most serious, violent cases). This truth is frequently lost on both the abuser and the victim, however.

 

Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

Advice needed please! - concerned friend - Feb 4th 2015

Hello, i have read through the comments and yet i still need advice/ i just need to talk about it annonomously 

 

My friend of 7 years is in an Abusive relationship.

the things this "man" had done are just.....nasty.

He tried to throw her hair straightener (turned on) into the bath with her.

He slammed her fingers in the door, and the most recent that i know of (5 months ago)

He flipped out and threw a tv at her, punched her, kicked her, and spiral fractured her ankle =( im gettting a little teary whilst typing this (apologies)

to make it even worse she lives 3 states away and over water (Australia)

I have tried to be supportive, i have tried to offer advice, ive been mindful to not run him into the ground as i've read that wont help. i dont know what to do to help her ='(

 

i myself was in an abusive relationship when i was 17. He was more mentally abusive, which still is NOT ok, but i put up with it for a while.  One night he started ranting on that i'd been cheating etc and that he was going to make me pay! he tried hitting me (he was/is 6ft 6" i am 5ft 7") thankfully he missed, as he is not a small fella, he tried hitting me again, But i got him first (i seem to have no flight mechanism, only fight) I hit him hard and acurate and told him we were done. Never spoke to him again.  Ive also been in a few other mentally abusive/physically abusive relationships, but ive always realised and left.

sorry to rant on, but im a little upset/hurt/confused and so many more emotions.

 

I guess my main questions are:

1. HOW CAN I HELP MY FRIEND before its too late.

and 2. Why was it so easy for me to leave....but she cant? :/ , i know everyone is different....but yeah.....if someone makes you feel bad...you get rid of them.

miss - Matlale - Jan 2nd 2015
I've been a victim of abuse.Am in this relationship for 13 years and we've got two children together. And he started some relationship outside, he started complaining about food and my job that am not coming on the right time anymore and am having an affair at work.He started beating me all the time and I endup sleeping in the hospital but I forgive him and he promise 2 change but he never changed until now, we fight about everything and to him am always wrong nd I am a rubb...shhe said am not good 6or nothing . He always call me all the sorts of names.but today am righting this am tired of this and he said he give me 2 option -ts either I pack my bags and go or live my job forever bcs he always search my fones and he found the so we started 2 fight so I don't no what to do please help me.

Beenthere - - May 22nd 2014

I once read a commentary on the back of a self-help book on abusive relationships. I never forgot it.

"You marry your horror to his horror, you bleed and call it love."

Beenthere - - May 22nd 2014

Children who live in abusive homes, physical, mental or emotional, either become passive/compliant or abusers themselves. I became passive/compliant. 

I developed dissociative behavior to escape my mother's unpredictable, out of control rages. The behavior still plagues me at times (as an adult) depending on a level of stress I might be experiencing. I can still check out, as an adult. It's not practical, but sometimes it is involuntary. 

My childhood bedroom had flowered wallpaper. When my mother was in a full-blown rage, I could disappear into the middle of the flowers. I can't tell you what that safety place looked like...but it felt like a cocoon.

I've had 8 years of therapy. The adult me understands and has acquired tools to cope with high levels of stress, when it occurs in everyday living. But the frightened child still lurks around in me and every once in a while, she is in charge. We space out (kinda trance-like) and go for a trip into a warm and fuzzy space-zone. I'm 70 years old.    

Hare to understand if you've never been there.... - Cris - Mar 23rd 2014

I'd like to add that I know from experience that the main reason a woman stays so long in an abusive relationship, is because mentally, emotionally, and psychologically she is broken. When something is broken it doesn't run properly. This is true with humans as well. And the more the abuse continues, the more broken the woman gets. It is absolutely imperitive that parents with daughters, raise their daughters to have high self-esteem and self-confidence and self-empowerment. Without these things, a woman is a perfect target for abuse. 

Abusive Relationships - DB Counselling - Nov 29th 2013

Excellent topic "Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships? " .... You cleraly stated peoples may abued in several ways such as through verval, physical and emotional etc. Thanks for your great post. 

victim of abuse - leesha - Jul 11th 2013

i am two months of away from getting married and i finally decided to call it quits with my fiance today. 

it was so perfect in the beginning. he was such a good looking person and also is a pilot to boot. everyone who knows him keep telling me how nice, decent, generous person he is. i was swept off my feet and after 6 months of dating he proposed to me. we got engaged and thats when everything just came crumbling down. 

He was not working in our home country so the plan was I will move to be with him after we got married. He rented a house for us and occassionally I will come over to visit him. From there he demanded me to buy stuff for our house. From there it should have trigerred me this guy who is earning 3000 times more of my salary is asking me to pay? I do come from a well to do family and my father does support me and many a times I felt he was taking advantage of me. He will ask me to buy expensive gifts for him and say things like well your dad wont say much if you were to spend on your fiance right? the sad part was he never got me anything of equal to what i had bought for him. he also compared myself to other girls he has dated, and how a let down i was. he will belittle and condemn me on almost everything; from the way i dress, the way i act, the way i communicate. it came to the point i didnt know how to react or what to do because everything i do is just totally wrong in his eyes. even when i do the things he supposedly wants me to do. i get so confused and dont feel like myself anymore because ive been controlled in such a way. he will call me horrible names and stupid every day and threatened to call off the wedding every single time he gets. it was always me who had to go to him and plead for him to stay.

not only that he tries to elimate me slowly from my friends and family. i do not have any social network anymore as he deemed it as destructive for marriage couple. family wise he will tell me once im married i am only responsible to him and not my parents. whenever i am out he will want me to constantly check in wherever i go or whatever i do. it became such a pain because if i EVER missed out one single thing and he finds out that will just trigger his rage. this included conversation i had with whoever. whenevr he gets the chance he will go through my phone. 

the physical abuse came shortly after. the first time he hit me was knocking my head because i forgotten something relatively small. the second time he hit me was because i walked away while we were arguing as it got very heated. he took a pillow and just pounded me really hard and slapped me a couple of times, telling me how rude i was. after that he was accusing me of possibly cheating with other men. which seriously it was not the case at all. i have zero contact with my male counterpart. one day my ex called me and he became paranoid. i answered the phone and told my ex to not call me. he took my phone and pretended to be me to text my ex. after a while i tried to take my phone and then he slapped my face till my nose bleed. he was taken aback from what had happened and become very apologetic about it. for a week he was being really nice to me but then it only took a week for his abusive ways to come back.

and when all of this was happening all this while he blamed me for making him to turn abusive. telling how he was not like this before and it was my doing and behaviour towards him that made him behave aggresively towards me. i got really scared when he threatened to keep my passport and will not let me use a cell phone once i live with him overseas. the mere fact that i will be totally dependant on him later on just gives me nightmares. even when we are in a long distance relationship he has given me such terror what more living with this person; just the two of us in a foreign country? 

at first i was scared to tell my parents as preparations for the wedding are already 70% complete. to my mother he was such a perfect catch. i could not actually mouth out what happened as ive been too traumatized. i just showed them the horrible messages he has sent me and thankfully oh God my parents were supportive. my father took charge by taking my phone and will give me another number. i was to not deal with the process of calling off the wedding, that will be done by my parents.

this has only been day 1. i hope to have the courage like you guys who have stayed away from mental people like these. 

Dead end - Kim - May 13th 2013

Abusive relationships are dead end experiences. I know. I was a witness to my mother's abusive marriage. I was abused by her husband, as well. For six years things escalated. They would fight. She would be injured. She would miss work. They would make up. The six years ended abruptly in her death. The last fight proved fatal. No one ever imagines it will happen to them. It does. You just don't allow yourself to foresee it. Even as a 12 year old I foresaw it. It is possible it does happen. Don't let it happen to you. Don't bring your children into this cycle of violence.

trying to help - - Apr 29th 2012

i've got friends who have been in abusive relationships, to varrying degrees but i've managed to help to the best of my abilities, i have an ex girlfriend who is abused by her ex (from before me) but i try my best to help and so far i have been a good friend, even if i can't change things i'm still here for people to talk to.

so if anyone here wants to talk to me or wants my help i'll try my best

- D

p.s just so everyone knows i'm 15 but that doesn't make me any less helpful

My way or the highway ... - - Jan 19th 2012

To Sarah who wrote on November 23rd 2011...

"...I hold quite Feministic views and want to have the upper hand in realtionships...it's my way or the highway....".Well I'm very sorry, but really ...are you for real...? Having such an attitude within a relationship to wards one's partner is another form of abuse and of overstepping someone else's boundaries and not respecting him (her)...

Having been in an abusivce relationship and being now with a kind respectful man doesn't entitle one to not respect the partner and disregard his (her) needs and wishes...

I strongly suggest you review you attitude...your partner / husband does not deserve to be treated this way...if you are so dominant, this can onlu mean it comes out of fear of being hurt again and then it's you who should deal with this issue...your partner should not bear the consequences...

This is my very personal view on this.

Ignace De Volder, Antwerp, Belgium

 

 

 

GET OUT STAY OUT - nina boo 21 - Jan 18th 2012

Hi my name is nina the reson why i say get out stay out is because it is really hard bein in a bad/abusive relationship i never been in one myself but iv'e seen them plenty of times throurgh family and other friends. The main thing im try to get you guys to understand is the more you take the abuse the worst you feel as a person i have a question for you ladies DO YOU THINK THATS ALL YOUR WORTH? DO YOU THINK YOU CANT DO BETTER? DO YOU THINK THIS IS HOW LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE? think about those questions and then answer them your better than that your better than this Love true love doesn't hurt. When GOD created man kind did he want us to be against eachother or for eachother. In life we want to be treated with respect so my last words to you guys is to get out and stay out please your worth way more than you may know i hope that i helped believe me i know how it is to be lost to be confused to except things you don't have to all i can say is good luck

Happy now, alone but NOT lonely - Ellen Lammas - Jan 8th 2012

   I used to be leave one relationship and jump into another because I thought I wasn't complete unless I was in a partnership.For the last three years for the first time in my life I have been single, and it is amazing,No choosing horrible partners because I was desperate to be part of something-anything. I now, on my own have freedom of choice, I have money, don't need permission. At the moment the thought of having a relatiinship repulses me, but that was because I was so desperate not to be left alone before I went out with really bad people, I know that I must choose better and have a better understanding of a balanced relationship because of this hiatus, I have found out that the best company I have evr kept has been my own.

help. - - Dec 28th 2011

i am in an abusive relationship and have been for the past 6 years. i get belittled, brought down, screamed at, ignored, and made fearful more often than not. my abusive relationship has never turned physical, he has never placed a hand on me, but has threatened to destroy my life, get me fired from my job, and wont allow me to see my friends. he says all my friends are whores and i'm one just like them. i dont know why i stay. when things are good theyre not even that good. we have nothing in common and the things he talks about bore me. i pretend to care. our sex life is amazing and our physical chemistry is unlike anyone i've ever been with. i have never been more physically attracted to anyone in my life. maybe thats what keeps me around. i am confused.

everything turns into a fight. he has admitted that he has an anger problem but often blames me and my actions for his outbursts and threatens

Abusive Relationships - Letricia - Dec 2nd 2011

First of all I want to say all of these stories are heartfelt and I can completely relate. Espeically to Mary who wrote a post September 11, 2011, the words you typed are exactly how I feel. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother's husband abused everyone in the house and she is still with him to this day. I know what its like to and the pain is still on my mind everyday. I just wish I could forget and move on but I have to address this if I want to get better. I am only 18, a college freshman and I feel that I am missing out on so much because of the abuse. I swear I  just want to forget. Please help

Stay strong...! - Sarah - Nov 23rd 2011

I have never been in an abusive relationship, one had the potential to and things did turn quite nasty the day I threw him out and left all of his belongings in the street but I guess I have either been very lucky or have just made good choices. I hold rather Feministic views and always need to have the upper hand in relationships, luckily my husband has a lot of respect for my views and is happy to let me run the show and plan for our lives. He is no push over though but has learned over the past 11 years to accept it's my way or the highway. I can only imagine the fear that is felt by people who are in abusive relationships and would be easy for me to advise you to leave them. I had a friend who lived with a man many years ago and he often beat her. She would never listen to myself or our other friend when we gave her advice and only when he stabbed her with near fatal consequences did she leave for good. One day, something will happen that will make you leave, until that day, stay strong, your inner strength will surface. I qualify as a mental health nurse in just 9 months time and am currently researching abusive behaviour, (UK spelling) should any of you wish to contact me then please feel free to send me an email. Sarah x

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS POSTED HERE - SURVIVOR - Oct 17th 2011

Hi everyone who has posted here I have read your stories and I feel very saddened for those who didn't get any replies to their posts, my story is for all of you and to say stay strong and the ultimate goal is to leave your abuser forever...

I would like you to know that I broke away and that I AM A SURVIVOR and beginning my life again at 45 and trying to make the right choices in people.. You can do it too, its not easy, it is scarey as hell, especially when you leave your abuser or they leave and try to come back around... Even if its a little step at a time to get rid of them, its better to do something than nothing at all hoping things will get better, its more likely that you will eventually end up being killed by your abuser one day maybe infront of your children, or being found by your loved ones in a heap. I went through more than one abusive relationship in my lifetime starting with my grandfather abusing me as my mum used to send me to my grandparents all school holidays up until the age of 12 years old and I was abused all those years. To make matters worse my home life in UK was very unstable, my dad wasn't interested in family life and gave no input that I can remember, except I feared him a lot, as my mum and dad had a very violent relationship and I witnessed much of it as a child from the age of 4 years, they finally split when I was 15years old where they tore the kitchen apart and smashed things and it ended with mum threatening my dad with a knife, my dad left the house for good that night...  Over the years I made very poor choices in partners overall, and as I was getting into my late thirties my choices seemed to get worse and my last relationship was by far the worst nightmare. I fell in love unexpectedly with a man of a different culture whilst trying to make a new start in life abroad. This was about living a dream not living a walking mnightmare which it turned into. I had no intention of meeting anyone but just to concentrate on getting my new beginnning together. The aggression and possessive behaviour started first of all when he would make arguments out of nothing or a comment that I had made the day before that I myself could barely remember making this would always be in the middle of the night, sometimes talking to me and waking me up out of my sleep over nothing, as he obviously had been thinking of things he didn't like and started on me. I thought in most cases it was a simple misunderstanding and so I tried to explain things the best I could, as I was really in love and didn't want him to feel disappointed with me over anything, but it was no use he would just get angrier and angrier and I would always in the end have to accept what he was saying was true even if it was a lie, otherwise his anger would get worse. If I would not agree to his version of the story it would enrage him. In the end one day he exploded at home one afternoon and struck me for the first time with a handmirror and then hit me repeatedly and grabbed me by the throat holding me up in the air. I learned very quickly not to answer him back as after he let go of me I told him we were done and for that I got attacked again and had to stay still and quiet until he got over his rage. From there the physical attacks got much worse, once in public as well, few times at home, he then got angry over the slightest comment as I would never shout at him when we had a disagreement. If he started being phycial and hit me I would just go like a limp dummy as I was terrified. My animals showed signs and were all very afraid of him too(I have dogs and they used to cower away from him) Animals are always your best indicator when it comes to people who are nasty. In the end I was beaten twice in a week and raped and it was more than I could take when I was pregnant with our baby (he did not know at the time, I wasn't completely sure I was pregnant) after the last beating in a week he caused me a lot of physical damage and I lost a tooth, he cracked my nose I had a perforated ear drum and lots of other physical injuries, he paniced after the beating in the morning and phoned his friend to pick him up and thankfully he left the house keys. I went to the police but they were not sympathetic really as I am not from this country so I didn't press charges and made a report instead as I was very afraid, and they said they would call him to stay away from me. After that I tried to seek help from friends who turned out not to be real friends and instead I had to start counselling as I live in a foreign country, and had no genuine support network, to get me through. Even though I had known people here for nearly 11 years they turned out to be very unkind and were not friends at all... After one month of leaving the house he started to call me late on a Sunday night and kept phoning me from the early hours he was demanding money and said he would come to my house unless I agreed to meet him, that morning I was panicing and called my counseller and made an appointment to see her that very morning I left my house early as I was very afraid he would come to my house as I live alone in the countryside. I was now also definate I was pregnant and was very confused about everything and what to do. I was on my way to counseller to talk to her about the repeated calls and the pregnancy etc and he showed up on the same road outside my counsellors office as I was waiting for my appointment time that very morning on seeing him I drove off and he threw a large rock at the car in rage as I was driving off in panic of seeing him and the rock completely smashed out the back glass lucky for me it hit the frame too as if it had flown into the car it may have hit me in the back of the head or flown through the front glass as well and may have caused a fatal accident. When he was arrested he denied it was a rock but a bottle. They locked him up for 48hours but after that his lawyer got him out, and the police never followed it up. On that day this happened counsellor was very nice but actually ineffective and was more interested in calling the police and getting him arrested, but I needed desperately to talk to someone about my pregnancy as I was now in total shock and panic and was afraid to keep my baby as the father was so violent and I and my babys future were in terrible longterm danger. My counsellor told me that we must deal with one thing at a time as I blurted out that I was preganant from this abusive man and I couldn't face bringing up my child with him as the father and always having that link with this violent man who will end up killing me and maybe my child. She told me to calm down and was not going to talk with me about it and so I paid her and left my session feeling totally resolved that I must terminate the pregnancy. The country I live in now its illegal to have a termination. But I paniced and did it in the back of a doctors surgery without any anesthetic by the only one doctor who does these things here. I was conscious throughout the traumatic proceedure. It was just horrible and really shocking. I will never get over the guilt either. I never spoke to a so called friend again who I confided in about this desperate episode as instead she kept bringing up my horror abortion by saying to me you did do what was right for you, but I wouldn't have done it I am catholic! After the third time of saying this to me I told her where to go. I found myself very alone and appreciated going home to UK for 3 weeks and getting some proper counselling over my ordeal and going to family planning and going to a special place for couselling to do with the horror abortion. But then I had to come back where I live and I found I was very alone, but slowly I made one or two new friends and things got better. Unfortunately, every now and then I still have to go somewhere where I see the abuser in a public place and he has verbally shouted at me, so I stay out of his way where possible, as he is dangerous. This new beginning of starting a new life in a foreign country started out a disaster and was horrible, desperate and sometimes a sad, lonely and confusing journey not having my close family and people around me who really love and care for me, but as everyday goes by I got a little stronger. I continue along the lines that I must stay safe and keep getting my my life back piece by piece not just for me but for my family too. I'm not saying that I will never be in a relationship again but for now I am leaving men out of my life for the time being as I don't really feel that there is anything a man could offer me that I don't already do for myself to keep me alive and also there isn't anything that a man could say to me where I would feel comfort in what they say, as the trust is gone and I consider men to be potential set backs to where I am going, which is to get me back first. I have also considered that I am just not ready to try again with anyone, not even for a casual relationship, as after the level of abuse was so great over a two year period with all the attacks that it has had an impact of how I think about relationships in general, I have decided not to hang out with those so called friends that I knew as friends before all this happened who didn't support me when I needed them the most... Having to face getting the only friends I had here out of my life after my abusive relationship was like a double whammy at the time I needed some one just one person, but i didn't have anyone here. I am working on the way I relate to my new friends, as I feel like a very different person after my experiences with my abuser.. Right now writing this and posting this on this wall is the beginning to that healing process and to just say please if you relate to what i have written, don't give up, try your best to leave even if you have to leave everything you have, if you live in the UK or USA I think there are great support networks such as this. I had to lose the thing I wanted the most in life to get rid of my abuser forever. The price was very high but I am rid of him and with every day that passes I am getting stronger, moving on and now I have real hope... Remember, never lose hope, I know at the time things seems hopeless to get away from your abuser and the hold they have over you both emotionally, physically and maybe even financially is terrifying but its not going to get any easier if you stay with them... Once you have left little by little things will get better...

Help I'm Drowing, I know how you feel - - Oct 11th 2011

Although the violence for me has not escalated to this level.  I know what you are going through.  I also feel pathetic.  My friends are all trying to "save' me, but I just keep feeling sorry for him.  Why??  Why??  All logic tells me to run, but something else keeps me there.  I'm so confused.  All I can say, is seek therapy, friends, anything.  And my dear...please run!  A broken neck could have been death for you.  It won't get better, this much I DO know.  I will pray for you and send good energy to a fellow sister who is hurting.

HELP I'M DROWNING IN THIS - naomi - Oct 4th 2011

I was overjoyed 7 months ago to start a new relationship with a man I've known for 24 years, since childhood.  He is known to me and everyone I know (I live in a small community) as a gentle giant and I felt that I'd finally met someone who would treat me right, not abuse or scare me etc.  I'm even friends with one of his ex girlfriends who says that he was a perfect gentleman with her.  I started noticing straight away that he was very controlling, everything was ok as long as it was his way.  He'd go out of his way to offer me advice on my life but if I didn't carry out his suggestions, he'd get angry or sulk and act very petty.  This has now escalated.  In 7 months he first kicked me and broke my rib, which was terribly painful for weeks.  We were arguing at the time, to be sure, but I didn't feel I deserved to be pushed to the floor and kicked.  I've found his temper to be so easy to flare up.  These incidents often start with him misunderstanding something that I've said, he will take it wrong and then escalate it and once he gets going it gets worse and worse.  The a couple of weeks ago, we were out and had admittedly had quite a lot to drink.  He thought that I was 'coming on' to a man, I wasn't.  He attacked the man and put him into hospital.  I went home and went to bed, locking the door automatically behind me.  But I left my keys in the door so when he got back, he couldn't get in.  He had to get a ladder and climb into the bathroom.  When he got in, he pulled me down the stairs pushed me.  I fell and broke my neck and seriously damaged my back, got two black eyes and a face like a horror film.  (My neck is a stable fracture and will heal, its C5, and I'm told I was lucky.) He then locked me out with no keys or anyway of getting back to my home.  His neighbours cleaned me up and got me a taxi.  He has put the blame for this purely with me, saying that if I hadn't been 'coming on' to the man, this never would have happened, and he didn't mean to break my neck.  The problem is that he is 6foot 3 and large build and I'm 5foot 4 and a lot smaller.  He has told all his friends that it was my fault and a lot of them have posted abuse on my facebook page etc.  After not seeing him for two weeks and being determined not to, he sent me a dvd he had made of all our photos with some music on and it broke my heart.  I went back to him.  That was 10 days ago but he shouts and becomes abusive if I try to talk to him about the incident.  He it absolutely convinced that it is my fault.  My aunty sent him an email telling him not to touch me again and he was very abusive to her.  How can a man who everyone, including me, turn into a monster overnight.  I am thinking that it must be me.  It seems every relationship I've had has been abusive but I've never been as physically hurt before.  He has told all his friends and family that he has forgiven me for trying to be with the other man, and the truth is that I really wasn't.  He thinks that I am embarrassed to see his relatives and friends because they think I was trying to be unfaithful, but the truth is I am ashamed that I have let him break my neck and I'm still with him.  I love him so much and he is so nice when he is nice.  He tries to look after me most of the time and then treats me like something he hates the rest of the time.  He says he is scared of me because I am the only person who can make him act like that.  I know that I sound pathetic and to be honest, I feel pathetic.

WOW - Mary - Sep 11th 2011

As I read each comment all I  can say is WOW. I grew up in an abusive home. My father beat my mom for years almost on a daily basis and to this day they are still married. The physical abuse has stopped the emotional/psychological abuse is still going strong(on both parts). Domestic violence is a vicious cycle.  For those of you raising children in an abusive home please leave and seek help.  Children who grow up in abusive homes are a million times more likely to repeat these behaviors. Every last one of my siblings and I have been involved in abusive relationships both as the abuser and the abused. I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I was in a 8yr relationships where i was both abuser and the abused. Violence is a learned behavior although not intentional many  children who grow up in abusive homes learn to solve their problems with violence. Also often times they become victims of DV themselves.   I didnt realize that i was in an abusive relationship until after the birth of my son. My sons father and I had a fight in front of my son. After that i was through. That is not the enviornment I want to raise my son in. I know what its like to grow up in a house like that.  I know what its like to call the police on your father because he's beating your mother.  I know what its like to look at your mothers face all bloodied and bruised.  I also know the fears associated with leaving an abusive relationship, how will i provide for myself and my baby, where will I go, will he come after us, if i leave will he try to take the baby from me 'cause im not financially stable, nobody else will want me, i dont deserve better, it might get better, we should try to work it out for the sake of the baby.................But you know better than anybody else its not gon get better, it only gets worse because by staying we ok the situation, kids should not be raised in  abusive homes violence begets violence. YES YOU DESERVE BETTER and NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and YES YOU CAN MAKE IT ALONE........YOU ARE STRONG BEAUTIFUL AND WORTHY.  THERE ARE ONLY TWO WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ONE IS TO WALK AWAY THE OTHER IS IN A BODY BAG.  Under no circumstances is any form of abuse acceptable. To those of you involved in an abusive relationship my best advice for you is to leave I know its hard and the world can be cruel but your life is valuable, you deserve better your children deserve better( if you're a parent). Please seek help there are organizations that assist battered woman with housing, jobs, and building self esteem and self worth.  Dont allow your abusers to control you anymore dont let them win.  I pray that each and everyone of you find peace and refuge, self love and self worth and most of all a safe place where you can live comfortably, grow and prosper........PEACE AND LOVE

Daughter of an Abuser.... and Ashamed of it. - Evylin - Jun 6th 2011

There are no adequet words to describe how horrible of a man my father is. I'm 17 and all I can remember from my childhood is anger and screaming and everyone getting broken by that son of a bi**h. In my family of six, (mum, father, two older sisters and a younger brother) I was the only one who wasn't broken by his hands. Oh no. I was "daddy's little angel." The thought of ever calling him "daddy" sickens me.

He and my mum were married for nine years. They divorced when I was 8, and since then he has pursued us relentlessly. My older sisters moved out, went to go live with their dad so they wouldn't have to live in constant terror anymore. I don't remember much from those years, only my mom's fear and mine and Aaron's lack of understanding of the situation. If we didn't tell my father what he wanted to hear, he would hurt Aaron. His own son, just barely out of first grade. If we didn't tell mum what she needed to know, she would cry and cry. Our days were ruled by fear.

Almost three years ago, I saw my father willingly for the last time. It was Father's day. He was drunk when he came to pick Aaron and I up (late) and was yelling, bitching (as always) about how evil and manipulative my mother was, how it was her fault that there was global warning, yadda yadda yad. +rolls eyes+
By the time the visit was over, i was nearly hysterical. I haven't gone to visit my father since, despite the fact that he now lives 15 minutes away by car. Aaron still sees him. The kid wants to go live with him because he's angry with my mum. Mad that because "dearest daddy" won't pull his weight. Mad that mum has a boyfriend (who I can say with pleasure that he is nothing like my father). Mad because the house has been foreclosed on and we have to leave. So right now my father looks like "Super dad."

Recently, my mum and I came home and we noticed a dead female duck by our driveway. We thought little of it at the time, that maybe neighbor's dog had gone wild at the nearby pond and her mistress (with whom we were feuding with) had sought to dispose of it on our property instead (because she's so charming).

But something occurred to us earlier this evening. A while back, before my parents had divorced, a mumma squirrel had gotten into the garage and my father had drowned her and her little ones in a barrel in our yard (which is completely and utterly SICK on som many levels). A few years after, the summer they got divorced, my mom had found the cage. With the mummified squirrel. In the flowerbed where Aaron and I had always played.

So now we're scared. Is anyone familiar with the term, "You're a dead duck"? I don't think that it's just us being paranoid. The police are useless. The county court system is useless. The only way we can live in peace is if that son of a bi**h keels over and dies.

How wrong is it that the man's daughter wants him dead so badly?

Abused - - May 28th 2011

I'm sobbing. I want to die. for the first time in my life. I'm a miserable human being. i let people abuse me. i want to fix them. i am not pretty anymore my hair has fallen out i havnt slept an di can't eat. i am a magnet for abusers everywhere i am the target. no one ever listens to me in real life about things that are imiportant. if someone else said tem the would listen. my ex bf of 6 months ago caused me to fail out of school. he wuldn't let me clean my room or do my laundry. if i tell him i'm going to o something after we say goodbye, he can't help himself and he will call back 5 minutes later. I have to get out of this relationship. i have tried 8 times. he keeps pulling me in. i was in another abusive relationship 8 years ago when i was in highschool. this had such an impact on me. I had no idea that this guy got so mad at me. i thought he loved me as much as i love and care about him. The weird part is, the more someone needs me, the more i love them. this really is heart breaking. i want to die but i would never do that because of my family. i really don't see the f un in life. i could never ever raise children because i would wonder if i loved them enough or have clear boundaries for them because i also have innattentive adhd that was just diagnosed three years ago. this breaks my heart. I miss the baby i was once... but now i think that I had a psychological problem even as a baby. i am wortheless. heart breaking.

Lost my sister - hopeful - Feb 13th 2011

my sister has suffered for 14 years at the hands of an abuser. I have not been silent about it the rest of the family has stayed silent. Now my sister won't even talk to me she is not allowed. The abuser has done everything to isolate her from everyone. It brakes my heart that I can't help her and she won't help herself. for all of you out there that are staying in an abusive relationship, you have no idea what pain this causes your family and friends. There is help and you deserve better than this.

blessings

Is it time? - - Jan 29th 2011

I am a very successful business woman. I make a six digit salary and am abused. I work, take care of the kids, pay all the bills, do all of the household work. Often only getting 5 hours sleep at most do to all the responsibilities.

I think nobody knows. But am beginning to think they see right through the facade..... embarrassing. Calls at work all day, vicious verbal abuse when I am traveling for work. 

He on the other hand is unemployed (has been large majority of the last 6 years we have been together) Completely unstable in every way possible.

He literally is homeless and has nobody if I leave, nothing....nothing to lose either as I have been told on numerous occasions.

I have moved several times. Nothing worked. I was weak and let him in.

I want to move out of state, disappear, re-start but my children do not want to move. They want to finish school, sports, etc. with their friends. Last time we tried my family convinced me to return and of course I was weak and stupid. Back to square one.

Not sure I can take another day. I am verbally abused relentlessly for hours only to be told the next day. "Do you think I would really hurt you?"

I have been punched in the head, dragged, kicked, choked, and bruised. He is verbally aggressive with the kids and our dog.

If I dont hand him my cash card upon demand, he will take it or do what he has to do physically. Ok, now I can't pay the water bill or whatever. @#$%

It goes through phases.

Question is...should I stay because my children's world will be turned upside down and they are doing well (friends, sports, school, socially)? THEY ARE MY WORLD! Curse him for doing this to them when they are so happy outside of his crap.

Leave my career of 11 years with no certainty of financial stability?

Leave my kids to finish the school year, then come back to get them (?) Dangerous in my opinion...leaves a trail.

Let my credit go to hell as he forced me to buy him a car which of course I pay the payment/insurance/etc, on.

He tells me to send him to jail, leave or shut up if I dont plan on doing anything. But that whenever he gets out he will ensure anybody that I know if not me will pay dire consequences.

I have no friends that I can do anything with, I am constantly accused of cheating, he monitors my money, he spends my money, he comes and goes as he pleases, he always has woman friends, he acts like a drug addict or psychopath (beginning to think maybe both). Our life has no stability. Dont know how long I can keep making it better around here. Dont know if I am crazy. People say just call the police...hmmm they let him out last time and I will be dead before they can help me...I am certain of that.

He says give him money and he will go away. I believe he will but if he knows where I am he will come back and I will accept him. Cycle starts again....even if it is a 6 month break. 

He has almost punched my daughter twice for her trying to save me in the midst of violence.

All I do is plan, plan, plan. I am tired, wore down, beginning to think I am crazy, this is not my life.

People say that I should just stay and tell him to leave and call the police if he does not. STUPID PEOPLE. They really believe the law/system will save me. Idiots!

If it were just me I would be gone. I hate that I ever let him in our lives! 

Disrupt my kids whole lives of which they may never forgive me and may end up screwed up royally....or stay and god knows what..hope for the best. Will it ever really end? Will he really do something worse?

I am extremely paranoid about posting anything. Can somebody track me and report me for living this @#$@% lie and my kids situation? Will my IP address be tracked? I have nobody to talk to about this. I feel I am wasting away.......

If I go talk to somebody professionally they will do something with worse consequences as they do believe the system works for victims. AGAIN IDIOTS!

GO and risk it all for life or STAY and stop over-reacting???

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?

HELP ME!

Dear Rose - - Jan 22nd 2011

Dear Rose, 

I can feel your vulnerability through your words. I understand how you are feeling...especially as you are pregnant. What I will say to you is that our instincts are usually right. If you can find it within yourself the best thing to do is to take action. Do this quietly so that he is unaware that you are getting stronger ( as he will try to drag you down and break you) and if you don't feel you are getting the support you need then stop supporting him ( do this any way as he dowsn't deserve that treatment and you will need the money when baby comes ). When your baby comes you will also need all the energy for your baby and for you...happy mummy's make happy babies! He sounds very spoilt and i'm guessing the woman in his life have let him get away with not doing much to help out...he might just need a wake up call. Failing that you could actually be better off without him. Even if that thought terrifies you right now...just consider how much happier, stress free you could be and what lovely kind of man you could attract in your life....when that time is right. 

Look after YOU...that is good! Not only because you are pregnant but also because only you can do this....he certainly isn't doing what he should be doing and being stronger and nuturing you will give you the tools and energy to give this to baby....take care and rub that lovely bump!

xx  N 

ABUSE - ROSE - Jan 21st 2011

I feel like i'm not comfortable with my relationship especially at this time of my early trimester pregnancy, i feel i don't have enough support from my partner for the words he's always throwing to me instead of sitting down together planning for the baby. i feel really bad that i would cry and he would make it as if it's joke when i'm saying i'm not feeling well, he would ignore and not help by nothing like cooking or helping out cleaning the house or make me feeling comfortable and supported, he'll just take a shower and leave me alone every morning when i'nm ciming from a nite duty since he does not work at the moment.

He's got his own place because i asked him several times to leave me since our relationship was just a misery not love: aguerments of every minute and horrible attitude to stay without talking to each other in the same house but he wont stay in his flat he keeps coming to mine and upsad me, because he wont help out even when anything runs out of the house he would rather disappear  and come back to sleep on my bed quietly that he wont leave me coz he loves but i feel he's using me or keeping me for something i don't khw why.

RE: depressed Please help me - depressed Please help me - Dec 28th 2010 - Richard - Jan 10th 2011

Hi, first of all I would like to say thank to you for having the strength and courage to reach out and ask for help, however your journey has just begun!

Your ex is a perfect example of an abuser, you cannot change him, nor did you do anything wrong.  So stop blaming him or yourself, I know this may be difficult however once I got to a point in my life and did not blame anyone, my healing process started to soar.  I became accountable for myself, I cannot change anyone in this world, however I do have power over myself, my thoughts and actions.  I want to be happy, that's it, that's all.

Consider yourself very lucky as you did not marry this person as the wounds be even deeper.

My advice (remember you will hear advice from everyone so please take mine with a grain a salt, only you can help yourself) is to seek out a counselor, you need to clear your head, your emotions and let a neutral person tell you like it is!  You were in an abusive relationship, period.

Please surround yourself with a loving support group to help you with your healing, you will find out who really are your friends during this period.  During my process I discovered so many of my so called friends and family were really abusers in disguised, which is why I was attracted to an abuser in the first place.  I wish them all well and no longer have them in my life nor my daughter's lives.

I did discover something interesting, people that were telling me that I was wrong for standing up for myself and getting help, etc., were all abusers themselves.  Only an abuser will tell someone with boundaries that what they are doing is wrong, why?  Because they can see that they are losing control of you and they don't like this, hence they want to keep control and to see someone they use to control, makes them feel uncomfortable so it's easier for them to put you in your place so they don’t have to look at themselves, these people know that they are abusers and want nothing to do with changing themselves nor anyone around them.  Reality is perception and they don’t want to change this, nor do they want anyone in their environment to change this.

We are all mirror reflections of others, when someone says something negative about you they are really speaking about themselves.  On that note, my ex-wife, my ex-mother in law, sister, so called friends were all saying bad things about me, well guess what, "I don't care", which most likely pisses them off.

Do not empower an abuser, empower yourself!  My thoughts and prayers go out to you, you can move forward, you can become the person you want to be and most important, you can be in loving relationship and marriage you've always dreamed of and deserve!  Just start believing in yourself and the rest will follow!!!

"God helps those, who helps themselves."  No more sitting on the fence, make a choice for your son and even more important for yourself, get help!

All best to you and please remember you are not alone, you can and will get through this!

Richard.

depressed Please help me - depressed Please help me - Dec 28th 2010

I am so glad I found this forum. My Fiance and I  have just split a month ago..It is only now I am realizing how abusive he was...part of me still doubts it was abuse..IS THIS NORMAL?

He would buy me expensive presents take me to amazing restaurants and holidays...the proposal was incredible (almost over the top) yet he threatened to hit my 6 year old child, constantly was on his case about even the littlest thing (tidying toys, washing hands..my son is very clean so no need for that). He would be verbally abusive about my weight (even though everybody says I am very attractive and I am a small UK size 12...toned) He would say I look 'ridiculous' in certain outfits and never apologies.  He would ignore me for days on end, sleep with his back towards me then suddenly 'snap out of it' and all would be fine...we'd go to  a fancy romantic restaurant and I'd forgive him. Then a few days later it would start all over again...He frequently spoke down to me often short answers 'yep' 'nope' He was immaculately clean in his own home but when he moved in with me he didn't lift a finger and would say 'my mum did it so what's your problem? are you fed up with keeping house?' When I am very clean and did everything (shoppping, cooking cleaning, making breakfast packed lunch and dinner) he would then say ...don't do dinner then, don't make my lunch, I don't want NOTHING..

He was tight with money but would give me presents

He said he was saving for the wedding but I never felt it would happen...I knew we wouldn't make it deep down but I held on as I love him and remembered all of the nice things about him. 

When I finally stood up to him (verbally) and told him a few home truths he left, he took everything out of my house meticulously...cups, washing up bowl, towels...these were his things...but he was moving back into his parents so didn;t even need them. He still continues to blame me for the break up. 

Says he's in a mess without me, loves me but can't come back becasue we can't get on...It is him that is hard to get on with though....I am a lover not a fighter.

During sex he would call me fu**ing bi**h and bite me...I told him I didn't like that...the name calling stopped for a while but he liked to hurt me during sex. I love sex and I am not a prude but if yuo ask someone not to do something cause it hurts they should stop right? 

I haven't eaten hardly at all in the last month, find it difficult ot get out of bed. He brought Christmas presents around on chritsmas eve and almost broke down but is adamant he isn't coming back. I ma confused as I want him back but think  he isn;t good for me...there is so much more stuff...i feel ashamed to write it all down.. I dread it if he ever read this as I know he'd really have a go at me. 

What do I do? 

Should I cease all communications with him? 

FEAR - - Dec 1st 2010

I am reading these comments and it's amazing that we are all in the same relationship. I just left mine but all the characteristics of the abuser are the same. And no one understands unless they have been through it. They are the most charming, romantic, charismatic people in the beginning. Also alcohol seems to be a common theme. I am not hearing a lot of people talk about what happens once you leave. Thats when it gets worse! I am in fear right now that he will show up wherever I am and now he is angry because he thinks I am making him look bad and its true they are narcissistic. They care very much about their public image and don't want to look like the bad guy. I am debating on getting a restraining order right now. Do I definately have to? Well anyway, it takes courage to leave and if you haven't gotten the courage yet just read all the common themes in these stories. It doesn't change. 

RE: Don't Stay - Richard - Oct 16th 2010

I would to add a comment to "Don't Stay", I do agree with a lot you shared with us, however I would like to add that once you have made the decision to leave, you must seek help.  "It takes a village to raise a child."  I was strong enough to get help and I am forever grateful to my counselors.

 When I was going through my process of healing a friend of mine share this comment, "Richard you have been in living in a F#@%-up world for nine years, you don't know what's normal anymore."  I would have to agree with that but looking back I did the best that I could do, I was in love and I thought my actions and feelings were normal in keeping my family together and safe.  When the day came when I confronted my wife at the time for peace, harmony and counseling for both us to make it better, she chose to take the easy way out and left.

I went through being a victim to having so called friend say it was all my fault, etc.  I now realize that I did nothing wrong, it was not my choice for my wife to think of me being weak because I loved her, granted she most likely lost respect for me when she started to lie, go out and party and cheat on me and I did nothing.  As they say, "Damn if you do and damn if you don't."  Once I began to wake up to my marriage that it was a marriage of convince and that my wife was treating me like a roommate, this is when I made the decision to do something for me.  I started to ask questions to myself, why I was allowing myself to be married to someone that cannot commit to her family, her husband and herself, the fault did not lie in her but in me for enabling this type of behavior.  Once I took ownership and became accountable I started to become the man I've always wanted to be.  I was no longer a "Yes man" who allowed everyone to walk over me, I am now a man with boundaries with feelings of love, that refuses to change who I really am, a big difference with me now is that I have boundaries and I no longer try to change anyone's opinion of how they see me or try to get them to like me, I am who I am, all I want is love and respect from my family and friends, which is all I wish for everyone because I now respect and love myself.

I once heard this phrase, "When GOD gives you a gift, he wraps around a problem, the bigger the gift, the bigger the problem."  My gift was that I was able to see and take back ownership of my soul.  I am a loving and caring man and now that I have been awaken to what I was suppressing during my marriage to an abuser, I will never look back, I will just keep moving forward.

Richard.

 

Dont stay - - Oct 13th 2010

Although it seems that men are most often guilty of abuse, as I have seen here today, it is not always so. Further I am also one who has just left an abusive relationship. I do feel stupid for not only stepping into it, but allowing the manipulation to control me in almost taking over my finances completely, causing me to loose lots of money to her, causing lots of pain and lots of grief. No matter what I did, I was wrong. Even in leaving I am wrong. We got married a month ago and trying to finalize a divorce has too been hard. I just found out she has a criminal record which gives me the chance for an annulment, but based on the laws would also make it where any of the money that I put into the relationship would then be a gift and not due back like it would be if we kept the relationship as a valid marriage. But I walked finally. It wasnt long, but it was a tough relationship. I wish all you men and women who endure such grief the best at getting away. Dont forget that you are a good person and dont deserve to be treated as anything less. There is no excuse for you to endure violence, threats, and mental or physical abuse. Walk away and realize all your earthly possessions can be replaced, even your job if necessary. There is no reason to stay and no reason to endure such a life. He (She) wont change if he (she) hasnt already. Its a vicious cycle and you dont deserve to go through it. The honeymoon gets shorter and shorter each time until there is barely a makup at all. At that point it is really hard to get away.

male bashing - - Oct 11th 2010

i am a working male in an abusive relationship from a stay at home mother we have one daughter together. i thought this article would help me instead reading the first paragraph i noticed it was against males. I not only females deal with abusive relationships it would have been heplfull if your headline read  Why Do Women Stay In Abusive Relationships .

You are NOT to Blame for the Abuse! - Miranda Lollis - Oct 5th 2010

In reading through the comments here, I have seen several in which the victim is somehow being blamed for the terror that a PREDATOR has subjected them to.

To all of you who are in an abusive relationship right now, please, please understand this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are NOT selfish, or lazy, or co-dependent, or just unwilling to take control of your life.

YOUR ONLY "CRIME" IS THAT YOU WERE FOOLED BY, AND FELL FOR, A PREDATOR.

Once that happened, you left yourself vulnerable. You trusted this person. (This is normal and necessary for the development of a HEALTHY relationship. It is the death knell for an abusive one. But you didn't realize that you were in an abusive relationship. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU TRUSTED THIS PERSON.) Because you trust them NOT to hurt you, once they "turn" on you, and start calling you names and making you feel unworthy and stupid, the natural reaction is to look inside of yourself to see what YOU'VE done wrong to deserve this. You are not stupid for doing this. You are doing what THOUSANDS of other victims have done and will continue to do. IT IS A NATURAL, HUMAN REACTION.

But you've done nothing wrong. Okay? YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. The abuser has a plan of action to keep you dependent upon him. And he follows it to an almost pathetic degree of predictability. This was his intention from the start. There is nothing about YOU that caused him to be this way. He was this way before you and he will be this way after you. PERIOD.

The reason he is this way is because he has developed a false persona that he portrays to the world, because in reality, he loathes himself. He feels that the "real" him is nothing. And he will do whatever it takes to keep other people from seeing the "real" him. The person who enters into an intimate relationship with him is an immediate threat to him, because that is the one person who runs the risk of seeing and exposing the "real" him.

Yet, he needs this person in his life because he has to have someone to project all of his self-loathing onto. (And that's partly what he's doing when he calls you all those horrible names. He doesn't feel this away about you, he feels this way about HIMSELF. The other reason for this behavior is to break you down and make you dependent upon him so that you will not leave him).

Because he feels that he needs you, but FEARS you (due to the risk of exposure that you represent) he regards you as the enemy. And has from the beginning. And nothing you can do or say will ever, EVER change that.

Regardless of the self-hatred that they feel, there is NOT a lost, confused little boy hiding inside the man that terrorizes you, keeps on you edge, hits you, spits on you, calls you names, or makes you feel worthless, AND THEN BLAMES YOU FOR IT. This is a sociopathic, narcissistic predator. (The sooner you understand that, the sooner you have reached the point at which you can finally walk away for good). 

Part of what causes the traumatic bonding that we feel towards people who abuse us is that we feel sorry for the person who does it. They tell us that they had a horrible childhood. That their mom and/or dad abused them. They convince you that THEY have been victims of someone or something (or EVERYTHING) their whole lives. The empathy that we feel for this person has a profound effect on our inability to leave them.

Another thing the abuser does that has a devastating effect on your mental state is that he isn't bad all the time. There are good times mixed in with the bad.

He doesn't do this becuase he is confused. This is a brilliant tactic that all nariccisists use. What he's essentially doing is dangling a carrot right in front of you, showing you how "good" things "could" be. It's HOPE. He's giving you hope.

(If you want to understand just how profound something as simple as hope can be, think about POW's. Or Jews who survived the concentration camps under Hitler. Or someone who is wrongfully convicted for murder and sentenced to life in prison. Sometimes hope is all we have to get us through horrific situations.)

It takes time to get through the mental process that leads you away from the abuser for the final time. It's as if you have see his horrible, abusive side enough times to finally get you over that pity and hope hump. Factor into that the fact that you are afraid of what he will do when you leave, worry about the kids, and financial dependence, (all VERY legitimate fears, by the way) and it's a wonder we get out at all.

So please, please do not let your friends, or family, or FAKES like this Richard person (or anyone else) here convince you that you are part of the problem. Your friends and family mean well (I hope!!) but they don't understand. Do not listen to them or let them gult trip you for not leaving when they think you should. You have enough on your shoulders. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.

He will not change. Not for you, or for anyone else. You WILL, over time, remember your strength, and when the time is right you will use that strength to get away from him.

In the meantime, you are NOT nothing. You are NOT weak. You are NOT selfish.

You ARE a survivor.

(Anyone who needs to vent further can email me. I've been there, and will always lend an ear. mirandalollis@yahoo.com)

october 5th comment - ---- - Oct 5th 2010

dont worry about the money that you have put into the wedding, dont marry her if it is really that bad. It will be a lot easier to get out now then five years down the road with a kid or two. If you get out now you will only be losing some money. If you marry her, you will be losing part of your life, part of your happiness, and she will always be part of your life if you have kids together. I really wish that someone would have stoped me. My family tried to but I ran away from home when I was 17 with this guy. I married him and have two kids with him. I want out, but am just to scared to. I know when people say "just leave", it's not that easy, I understand, that is what I am going through every day. The only happiness that I have is he works out of town four days a week, when he comes home those three days I don't see much of him, he's out with his loser friends and single women doing who knows what. But do it now, it will be a lot harder when you have more invested into it like kids. If I just walked away back then I would have never had to see him again, now if I stay or not I will always have him in my life. If you stay it will just get worse, why not give yourself a starting chance, why go into something that you know is going to be trouble. If I would have completely knew what I was getting into, I would have walked away, but right now as it stands, I am told on a weekly basis how embarressing I am, how stupid and worhtless, he's not physical anymore after his family saw the bruises, just even more mental. I don't know if you will listen, but I hope that you do. Run as fast as you can now or you will regret it. It's better than having someone spit on the floor then tell you to clean it up, if you don't do it you know whats going to happen.

In Disbelief - Robert - Oct 5th 2010

I've read most of your comments and I'm ashamed that a man would treat a woman like that.  Nevertheless, I'm more ashamed that I've been allowing myself to be treated like that.  I'm a big guy, fun loving, innocent, and way to easy going, who has self esteem, but finds himself in a abusive relationship.  I have one of the most masculine jobs out there, people's lives are left into my hands.  My problem is that my fiance believes that she can treat me how she wants, push me around, throw things at me, and tell me some horrible things, and I just take it.  A couple of times I pushed her to get out of my face and to get out of the room, and she falls to the floor and starts crying like she's the one who is getting hurt.  My job is such that I can't afford any kind of negative publicity, certainly can't go to jail.  I would lose my career.  I feel like if I try to defend myself, because I'm a guy, I will go to jail for DV, so I take it.  I take the punishment.  She threatens to go to my job, to call my job and embarrass me, to make my life miserable, like I do to hers.  I really feel like it's my word against hers.  I really am a gentle giant, who would'nt hurt a fly, but what can I do.....The other day, my buddy texted me that he got fitted for a tux and liked the color, and that it reminded him of the color of suit I wore to my homecoming dance some 15 years ago.  I smiled cause leave it up to him to remember the color.  My fiance asked who texted me and got extremely upset that I smiled about the text.  That I was reminising about the past and about a past relationship.  She went completely nuts, almost like a kid throwing a temper tantrum.  she was getting ready for her bridal shower and started crying saying she hated me, that I ruined her day, her bridal shower, the one day she was looking forward to.  That she will make sure she ruins my days at work.  I found myself apologizing for smiling at the text. I'm sorry I smiled, it was more for my friend remembering the color of my suit then me thinking about the past.  I still don't know what I did wrong.  I had to apologize cause my family, her family and friends were going to the shower.  She didn't want to go, but I didn't want to be embarrassed by her not going to the shower.  I still don't know what I did.  I have a bruise on my arm from her hitting me.  I feel trapped cause alot of money has gone into this wedding and I pray everyday (literally) that God will help me.......She wants to have a child right away, but I'm afraid to let my child see me treated like this.  I've been threatened that she will go to my job, cause problems for me at work, and I seriously don't know how to get out of this without getting hurt.  She comments that I should show her how to shoot my gun, but I feel like she would use it on me.  She watches all those dateline and lifetime shows, where the wife kills the husband, and I feel like that could be me someday.  I pray everyday for help.....Sorry for the not short comment.

There is hope! - Paul - Oct 3rd 2010

I admire the courage of the people who have posted their experiences on this site. People who have been abused, often believe lies about themselves. e.g. "I am a doormat, it is a hopeless situation, I am a dog on a leash etc."

Choose to believe the truth instead of the lies.

You are valuable, precious, loved. It is not a hopeless situation. There is always hope.

Please check out my weblog (it may save your life):

paulsgodblog.blogspot.com

Do not rely on mortal relationships, but on immortal love.

From Pastor Paul

Moving forward - amanda - Sep 20th 2010

I happended to stumble apon this website this afternoon and I am really happy I did. I too ,like many of you have gone through the cycles of abuse.

4 weeks ago I left. I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 3 years. At first I thought he was the sweetest guy. We were best friends. We did everything together. I thought that he really loved me and cared about me when he only wanted to spend time with "just me". Slowly though as time went by I lost who I was, and became just a couple. I never had time to myself, never got to hang out with my friends and even was told what I could and couldnt wear. One night we went to a club and he got really wasted and choked me and ended up in jail. Then he told me he was sorry and it would never happen again. I believed him and thought people make mistakes and he has changed. 6 months later we were arguing so much, he's a full blown alcholic, he slammed me into the wall and ended up cracking my ribs. I couldnt move for weeks with out it hurting to breath. You would think after that I would leave but I felt stuck. By this time I had no self esteem, no self respect and felt lower than ever. My parents and friends thought I was crazy for sticking with him and got to the point were they didnt feel sorry for me anymore. I dont blame them. I took him back and we ended up moving. Things were great for a couple weeks and I enrolled at school for medical assisting. I begged him to not bring alcohol into the home while I went to school- but did that stop him from drinking -no... every night he would drink an 18 case to himself and I'd get home from school to find empty beer bottles everywhere. He would get into rage mode if he had no beer and when he did have beer he would hurt me and not remember doing so the next day!

The past four weeks were the worst... it was hell. Every day he would scream at me ,push me, hit me, control every person I talked to, go through my phone, deleated all my friends numbers, followed me to school... it was awful. I had this bad feeling that something was going to happen and it did- he ended up choking me to the point were I couldnt breath and was so banged up from being thrown around that I was covered in bruises and luckily someone in the apartment complex heard and called 911. he went to jail and over the weekend I left. I got a storage unit and decided to move back home with my folks. Its the BEST DESCION I have ever made!! This past month I can SLEEP and breath and not have to worry , I have made alot of friends at school, I have maintained a 4.0 and I have a purpose to live my life and no longer allow myself to be abused!!!!!My Ex is not going to ruin my life anymore or drag me down! I advise you if you are reading this and still in the relationship thats abusive....leave! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The cycles will keep happening, abuse and then the "im sorry honey moon, and then abuse again and soo on" Even though its hard to be alone, there are so many people who are like you and I who have gone through it and are happier than they ever !!! Love yourself enough to walk away - change your number, get a no contact order, take self defense classes, walk to  your car in groups. These are a couple things I have been doing and it seems to be helping. Good luck and god bless all of you.

struck a cord - - Sep 20th 2010

What made me find this site? Well obviously Im proud of myself having gone this far, having realised that my life as it currently stands is far from normal. The article attached to this definitely struck a cord with both my mind and my heart. I feel for the first time that someone understands what I am going through. That I am most certainly not alone and that I need to sort out a way of getting out before it escalates to a situation I don't want to think about. I have just come back from overseas, hoping this 'romantic' getaway would be just what we needed, just what we needed... Mmm. I guess it just goes to prove that no matter where you are, on what continent or plain you prove to be on, whether you feel like a holiday to a beatiful tropical paradise or not, this relationship will not change. I used to be the a sociatlite in my city. Not a socialite in the true sense of the word, however an independent, sociable, gorgeous young woman who had the world at her feet. Yet now I look in the mirror and see an estranged, confused woman (27) wondering how she ever got into this situation. I thought this was only something you saw in the movies, men (if you can call them that) drunk, drugged, (you name it) beating up on their so-called lovers and wives. And now I feel like I've featured in those movies, but Im glad I can get this off my chest in a way to wake up to myself to know that life isn't meant to be this hard. The bruises to the face and body aren't meant to be there. The back aches and constant stiff necks shouldn't be there either. The constant put downs and foul language used against me shouldn't be directed towards me. That's what I need to remember - THIS ISN'T NORMAL. No one deserves this. But why can't HE end it? Why does it have to be me?! That's right because these men like to play games with us women. Like a pawn on a chessboard. Well I'm hoping that it will be CHECKMATE soon. I hope and pray that soon it will be. I pray that I have the strength to leave him. Despite the fact that the make-up sex is the best I've ever had in my life, I need to wake up. I miss being the sexy, beautiful girl I used to be. I hope that with this, this will be a start for me to wake up and smell the roses because no man has the right to hit a woman, especially me. I need to love myself again for the right reasons as so do all you other women out there going through exactly the same situations. I pray you be safe and I pray that you will have the strength to leave and get on with your lives. Take care - C

confused - naha2010 - Sep 11th 2010

I am married to my h since more than 25 years.  after my marriage my h started abusing me verbally, emotionally and some times physically. h gets irritated very easily in normal conversation. and become very aggressive started to curse at me name calling to me, in loud voice and hits me. I tolerated because at that time 3 decade ago in my culture people thinks wife has to adjust to husband  ,  my in law family also support him in this way that he will not become depressed  and tells me that i did something wrong . not appropriate support from in laws instead they inappropriately support my h that my h is right and my h has no fault in marriage issues means it is all my fault.my h never apologize ,my h always told me that i started conversation that is why my h became angry and hit me, it is all my fault and i ruined his life because i am not a good woman( character is bad in his perception). he has  After marriage he started flirting with girls who are much younger then him. if i had said anything about it . he had hit me . And told me in harsh voice you were with others before marriage , so I am now and then cursed me about my character. .many times my h told me he has no interest in life because he married me., but he is not divorcing me either just threatening me that if i will not do what he wants then he will give me divorce , i told him it is OK with me if he wants to give me divorce but he is not doing it. he did not take responsibility for our  children , when they were young. all responsibility , i had to take and than to deal with his abuses, physical verbal and emotional .some time he become very angry to children, my children tolerate him too. now they are over 20 , and they understand now what it is. but their childhoods are not good to me, some time he tells me,like this oh take children to restaurant and let them eat what they want ,like showing love and care for them( in his perception).and in my perception i have to do what it takes to provide my children as much support to survive this and support them to live normal life. I.I took care of their education and all other things, he provide them food and shelter. but since 4 years he stopped giving household expenses too.,As he was giving food and shelter to me and my children, he has right to tell us to do things how he wants( in his perception).He blames me most of the time,how he feels or what he does, oneday in our conversation he became aggressive and then did not go to work and told me that he was very delighted to go to work but what i talked to him that make him some and he did not go to work. the time. many time sometime after abusing me , he left us and went to his relatives and stayedthere for 2-6...weeks. I am obligated that i married him so i have to adjust with him. how can i seek help where everybody thinks he is right. He has high position job and he is very nice, kind and generous to his coworker and others and extended family so nobody believes how bad he behaves with us. He is very religious too.and everyday do his morning , evening prayers too and very thoroughly. He knows most of our religious scriptures. He donate to people in need too.he has 2 norms one is very good  and other bad which is only with me..I do not understand my extended family who has seen him abusing me too .when i asked him to get help he said, you have no brain, i am crazy.

since 3 years I stopped paying too much attention to him.If he talks to my children, my children are also just answering to him, no other talking. He is very suspious too, he all the time ask my son about me.     some time he asked lito my son " Is your mom is investing cash in realty?, my son told him, no she is not.some time i am at store and he came from work and ask my son where is mom, is she go alone? He  complained to his brothers and sister and they call me and tell very hard words to me. they always do that when my h complain to them about me., they call me and sometime they told me angrily and harshly , i cried a lot. now i  talk to them only hello, hi not much. . but now reading all sites , I became familiar about the disorder. there is one incident happened and we have to go to therapist for couple counsellings, this time i got courage and told all this to therapist. after couple of session,therapist told me to go alone to other therapist and my h is going to same therapist. But last time he babbles that he is now going to stop therapy. i do not know, little improvement i do not know how long it will last.

I was typing this and he came in the room and very angry voice telling me what are you doing all day on computer loud and rude and aggressive, and looking at the screen of computer, I have no time to close it. I calmly said , I just got on it and I have to do my job search too as I am unemployed. Still he is not happy that i am on computer.I think he feared abandonment.

As I want to stay with him,   how i have to make him trusting me.

there many incidents, i just mention some.

called the cops on my abusive bf - kari - Aug 28th 2010

its been 3 months since I called the cops to come take him away!! ur stories ladies, have helped and I relate to many...I was with my boyfriend the father of my daughters for almost 5 years, my reason for not leaving or keep taking him back cuz I did many many too many times.  I already had a failed marriaged when I met him and my son outta that failed relationship...I like my ex came from a single parent home and I wanted to give my children the stability of 2 parents.  And for whatever reason that boggles my mind I love him so much I couldnt stand being without him, it wuz hard for me to admit that he was abusive & controlling like u ladies he forbid me to speak with my friends saying they were bad influences, asked me many times to change my cell#, he felt it was ok for him to go out but not me cause ima girl and wut wuld ppl say, every nite we had to have sex if not it would end up in an argument, i couldnt go to sleep if he didnt, i was alwyz timed at whateve outing i did, and of course every1 in my family realized it and I was just so blind...for the first couple of years i would say it was just verbal abuse the first time he actually put his hands on me was valentines day and I was pregnant with our first daughter, it started because he decided he was going out with his friends, i of course being valentines got annoyed, but my son was there and I did not want to argue infront of him so i just walked out and decided to go to my mom's as i was walking outta the door he started yelling at me to come back i ignored him and he grabbed me by my arm an pulled me towards him...this is so hard for me to tell bcuz ive never have admitted this to no one i feel like such a weak person and so ashamd...anywayz like i was saying he pulled my arm and i managed to pull away and push him off me so he came after me in the driveway and started tuggin at me and gettin in my face my son the little brave guy he is tried to push him away so he let me go but he sorta pushed him to the side and this is when i went insane and started yellin at him too...he went crazy and picked me up by my throat, carried me across the lawn by my throat and slammed me against the front door i wuz 6 mos pregnant and fortunately his mom & sister heard all the commotion and were able to help me & i just ran & left went to a park w/ my son and cried my heart out...unbeliable as it is i took him back the same nite he promised it would never happend again & i believed him.  MOnths went by and no abuse, he was perfect. well not perfect cause once i had our daughter he became even more controlling but i made excuses for it thinkin he just loved me so much...and i got tired of all the rules so i started resisting, and slowly the abuse came back he would slap me, push me, pull my arm & then I wuz pregnant w/ our 2nd daughter & i wuz trying to leave him took him to his moms unfortunately for me no one wuz there and he begged me to talk to him so I did and since I didnt give him a chance and wuldnt listen anymore he slapped me so hard that i fell and as i fell i dont kno how but my daughter also came down with me my 1 yr old @ that time and I wuz 6/7 mos pregnant, he hit me so hard that i got a black eye, yeah i took him back this time he actually proposed...and yeah as much as I hope the abuse never really went away, i felt as if i was steppin on egg shells never really knowing what would tick him off idk why i love him so much in reality i still do, and i miss him idk y ithink im crazy or sumthings wrong in my head, the day i called the cops wuz May 9 2010 mother's day we had been arguing the nite b4 about sex i didnt want to and he did next day he got up still upset and started talkin about leavin me alon for the day and leaving with our girls so the argument started again i kicked him our i wuz so pissed that he wuz trying to ruin mothers day he left, but came back to get his stuff, more arguing in the end i wuz just trying to leave bcuz by this point all my kids were hysterical, he ended up pushing me while i wuz going down the stairs of our apt building, i ended up sprainin my ankle, as i was gettin up from the floor i saw my all of my kids eyz my son carrying my littlest who at the time was 7 mos and my 2 yr old & they looked so scared they are what made me call the cops and I did he wuz taken arrested and taken away since that day i've not really spoken to him, he tried contact when he was released but I ignored every call, moved back with my mom were he knows he's not welcomed every1 adviced me to get a restrainin order but my dumb ass wasnt able to do it idk wuts wrong with me about a month later a had a terrible accident with my infant, and 4 whatever reason i decided to call him and let him kno, our daughter wuz flown to sd childrens hospital by emergency and when he got to the airport he went of at me and every1 in my family accusing me of being a bad mother i wuz so ashamed my family finally saw what i had endured for the past 5 yrs, & they make me feel so ashamed even though i kno they dont mean too but by askin why did i let it happend, why didnt i say anything, why did i let my children go through this...god i just feel so ashamed, and thought i have my familys support they just dont understand that i still love this person and i dont want nothing bad to happen to him, well anyways i feel that sum of you understand, and i dont feel so alone it feels good to write some of the events down although this is just not even 1/2 of what he put me thru, its very hard to admit to the things i let him get away with, never thought this would hppnd 2 me!

Lost in this world-Scared - - Jul 30th 2010

I too have spent many nights alone while he was out in the bar. He would come home at 3,4,5,6,7 or not at all. And most of the time it wouldn't be bad. But most of the time isn't good enough. There were times that he would lose money at the casino, or not have a good night and come home and scream at me.

There was a night when he took the wrong car keys and did not have the key that opened the gas cap to My car, so when he lost all his money at the casino, and could not put gas in the car (to go back to the casino) he came home screaming at me about how I'm a dumb bitch. Then punching holes in the walls and scaring me so bad I just laid under the covers scrared to move.

Finally I left. I posted some of my story 2 comments ago, wondering if I would have the courage to stay strong when he gets out of jail and comes crying to me at my work. Since I have posted, I did move. He has written me a very sweet letter apologizing and saying all the right things to get me back, but you know what? Nothing will change, and that is something you have to admit to yourself. I kept on hanging on for that day he would realize I was the one and treat me right. I kept hoping that if I did this or that just a little better, he would love me better. Or that maybe he was young, and would eventually grow up out of it. But my mom told me something that stuck in my head....There may be a day that he WILL grow out of this, but unfortunetly it won't be with you. He has learned you will take him back no matter what he does. And you know what, she was right?

I have only been free of him 2 weeks, and have already felt as if a burden of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe and relax! I sleep great at night! I also have been reunited with the one man who has ever treated me like a queen. I'd never have to be scared of him in any way, and he would give me the world. I am on this site reading these stories as reminders of what not to go back to, and what I came from. It will not change, and your only choice is to either die (physically or mentally) or leave.

 

I truely believe that woman who are strong enought to endure this, are strong enought to put an end to it also. YOu just have to find it within yourself. And plan, and be ready to do it.

why are you staying? - selam - Jul 29th 2010

Hello

I was  reading all this store what you ladies went through and I am just wondering that why we have give a seconde thought to our self should i stay or should i live, I mean what is worth to me is your life not reason or casuse of some thing. you know you are not happy so does..just get out of that relshinship as soon as posbile...Life is to short..why are you staying and allow you to suffer...

lost in this world - scared - Jul 28th 2010

He walks into the room at 6 in the morning smelling of alcohol. Not walking in…strolling in as if he has every right to be that late and not care. The tears flow and I try to explain to him that it hurts when he does not care enough about me to come home at a decent time, or even not to drive drunk. But he does not care. He gets defensive. Yells. Shrugs his shoulders and says whatever. His right to be mad at me. I say something wrong..can’t even remember now what I said, and he cannot remember either. “You stupid bitch!” He screams just inches from my face. I instantly start to cry, my breaths get short and panicky when I get really upset. He keeps going “Yeah start to cry, bring it on, push your emotions, it’s all an act!” All of a sudden…I slapped him across the face. It is all I could do to get him to stop yelling. It only gets worse. “You stupid fucking whore!” He screams. Now I can hear the kids woke up. I do not want them to hear this. Their mother being screamed at. I cower in the corner of the bed as he flies off and is pacing around. He opens the bedroom door and walks in to the hallway, slamming the door behind him. “What did I do to deserve her? Stupid whore!” He screams down the hallway past the kids room. Seconds later he appears in the bedroom, ripping the covers off of me yelling at me to leave his fucking house. Get my shit and get the fuck out he yells. As I start to move he jumps on the bed and gets inches from me again yelling at me, screaming at me. He grabbed the pillow beside him and clenches it in his fist. All of a sudden a soft, but hard blow across my head. He slams the pillow against me as hard as he can. I am trying to muffle my crying. He yells even more. Words I cannot even remember. I get up and try to move past him, he stands there and says that he has never been slapped before. I tell him that his ex slept with all of his friends and went behind his back. He tells me that she never slapped him. Apparently that slap is worse than her infidelity. He sits on the edge of the bed and punches the wall in front of him. As he sits there I get off the bed as soon as I can, get into my kid’s bedroom to see my five year old son in tears. Asking why he is yelling at me and hitting things. I tell him not to worry and to get dressed as fast as he can and to pack his bag…not forgetting to hug and kiss him and tell him not to leave the room until I come to get him. I go back into the bedroom. I can feel his anger in the air. I grab my bag and start throwing my stuff in it. Not knowing what’s going to happen next. He comes over near to me, I flinch. He gets mad that I am scared, telling me I have no reason to be. I keep packing. He asks if I am done. I do not respond. I do not know what to do. He is crying now. Sobbing. I try to be strong. But I am weak. He tells me he loves me and wants me. I know I cannot do this. I do not know why I cannot just go and take my kids out of there. I let him talk to me, I let him touch me. I try to not throw up when he kisses me. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I try so hard to not blink. I try so hard to not shake. I can feel my body tensing up and my back beginning to spasm from the stress of the last hour. I think to myself that I might have a miscarriage from this, from the emotional stress and the physical stress. I wonder if that is what he really wants. I wonder to myself how many more times this will play out. How many more mornings or nights will this happen. I get the kids together and to the door. My bags are still in his room. He comes to the door, touches my face and kisses me. I do not look back when I leave. I do not text him when I leave that I love him as I do every morning. I do not text after he text me after I left that morning. I hope he does not show up at my work today. I hope he leaves me alone for a while. I need to know I am worthy of being treated amazing by someone who loves who I am and respects my beliefs and morals. It has been almost four hours since this morning started. I am still shaking, my body is the most tense it has ever been and I cannot fathom the thought of eating. I look at the pictures of my kids on my desk and I know I have to be strong for them and go on with the day. They need me more than anything. This baby that I am carrying needs me to be stronger. But what if I can’t?

 

This is what happened to me this morning, it was easier to write it in third person. I need advice badly.

Strength to leave - - Jul 23rd 2010

Also, like other members posting comments on this site, I am so thankful to read others stories that are similar to mine. I feel ashamed, and embaressed because I am not the "type" of woman that takes this. BUt then again, there is no "type" of woman that takes it or deserves it for that matter.

My story started 5&1/2 years ago. I met the bad boy, who was sooo cute and we started dating. Moved in with each other about 2 months after we met because he couldn't stay with family for other reasons. I was aware he had hurt his x girlfriend and was kind of obsessed by her but I brushed it off as a young love type thing. He's in and out of jail all the time, while I have to put money on the phone and his books and pay all my bills. One time about 5 years ago, he smacked me in the face with a cell phone, and then a few months later smashed a metal lamp on my head during a fight and gave me a concussion. I did not call the police and he got away with it, apologizing a million times. Then he ended up going to prison for 40 months. I worked 2 jobs the entire time, just so that I could "support" him while he was gone, and support myself. He was sooo sweet the entire time he was in prison, and our relationship was dream like. We were very close. Well, he was released just this last february and since the very 2nd day he was home, he was going to the club every night and wouldn't spend any time with me. He's cheated on me more times than I can count, I pay all the bills while he pays nothing, and he attempts to control me by saying things like good wifes stay home and don't go out. And then always wants to take me to work and pick me up (even though he has his own car, takes mine) and I know this is because he wants to know where I'm at. He's gotten very verbally abusive whenever I've confronted him about the women saying he will beat my ass and spit in my face and smack me around, but since 5 years ago has never hit me (because he was in prison he couldn't). So this past week, he shows up at my work & asks to use my car, I was busy with customers so instead of fighting I agreed for him to use it for 1 hour. He never shows back up or even calls for that matter until 6 (I'm off at 5) so when he arrives I freak out and tell him to get out of my car and give it to me. We got into a physical fight in the parking lot of my work, him screaming he's going to knock me out. He smashed my cell phone because he thought I was going to call the police, then attacks me in the car. I have tons of bruises everywhere. He is now back in jail since monday, and I have since changed my phone number so he can't call. I blocked him from emailing me or contacting me and even hired movers to move this week. He will get out to nothing. I know this is the right move, and it will never get better if I go back. I just am praying I stay strong when he gets out. I do not plan on having contact with him, but know he will show up at my work begging. I've even taken pictures of all my bruises as a reminder of what I left.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? - DEE - Jul 22nd 2010

Umm, I dont even know where to start so Ill start from the beginning. I met this guy online. I brushed him off on more than one occasion. I finally gave him a chance and we hit it off. We started spending all of our time together. Then he told me that he thought I should know that he's moving. I thought it was over between us but we kept in touch. He said he loved me and wanted me to move with him. I asked him if he was ready for a "ready made" family being that I already had 2 kids. He said he knew what he was getting into when he asked me. So I made plans to move with him and I did. Things were great till one night he said I disrespected him and he slapped me a couple of times and held me down on the bed till I "admitted" to what I did. Which till this day I have no clue what I did to disrespect him. Then things would be wonderful. We had even set a date to get married. Then I did something I dont usually do and went through his phone. Found pictures of other naked women he took with his phone before I moved with him but we were together. I confronted him and he said they were there but he didnt have sex with him which I dont believe. He would flirt with other women in my face and would say he wants me and Im who he comes home to so it shouldnt matter that he flirts. But when I flirted (just to test him) he would flip. Slap me around a few times. Long story short the last "episode" was horrible. He thought I was cheating on him. I dont know how he came up with this conclusion. He slapped me around and said if I didnt tell him the truth he would hit me in the face with the glass he was holding in his hand. I kept telling him that I didnt cheat but he would hit me every time I said it. So I just told him anything and he hit me anyways. He beat me horribly. Some of it I dont even remember because I blacked out a couple times. I still even have some of the scars. On the day I left I told him that he did all of that for nothing. That he mad me confess to what he wanted because he threatened me. He said he believed me. My parents helped me get away from him. And being that I was already coming to visit them out of state they asked me to stay. This whole time Ive been in contact with him. He wants me to come back and says  that he still loves me. Even though Im scared to death I love him and want to go back. Ive even been looking for jobs in that area. But I recently found out that he never believed me when I told him that I didnt cheat. And he thinks Im cheating now. The only reason I agreed to go back is because I thought he believed me. Now Im scared because I dont know if he'll drink (sorry i left out that he only hit me when he was drinking) and do the same thing again. I love him to death. My parents are struggling to take care of me and my two boys. I kind of want to go back and deal with him till I save and move out on my own. As im wriing this I feel stupid but I need to talk to someone thats not biased. Please help me. Feel free to email me. I need someone to talk to.

 

need someone to talk to... - maria - Jul 22nd 2010

i don't know where to start. i just need someone to talk to. i feel like no one understands me.

i met this guy 3 years ago. we started dating a few months later. he stole my heart. or i don't know. from the beginning something felt "off", but since i was never in a relationship before and it seemed this guy was the only guy who looked my way, i stuck around.

he forced me into having sex with him a few days after we started dating. i wouldnt exactly call it "rape", but maybe it actually was. all i know is he rushed right into that and i wasnt ready, but i still did it because like i said before, he was the only guy who looked my way, so i thought i had to do it.

a few months later i decided to move in with him because he needed help finacially and i was too stupid at the time to see the real picture. there i was thinking this guy was soo in love with me, that i let him take control over my thoughts/mind/world.

he started cheating on me. he denies it, but i have proof. i wanted to break up with him and never look back. although every time my feet were right out the door, i would turn around and come right back in. i didn't want him to be with another woman. i just wanted him to love me. i needed someone to love me. even though i knew deep down he didn't, i don't really understand why i believed he did. he belittled me. he made fun of me. he made me think i was crazy in the head (because i always cried) and he would get so angry with me for various reasons that he would say the most hurtful things. he never beat me, but emotionally he did. the only thing he ever psychically did to me was yank me by my hair telling me to kill myself because i should die, that no one loves me and wouldn't care that i was gone, etc...

then i got pregnant.

at the same time, i found out he was cheating on me AGAIN and that was when i actually left. i packed up all my belongings and left to my parents. i wanted to never speak to him again.

...but i let him back in. he said he loved me, i'm who he wants to be with. he wants to be a family with me and the baby when she comes. i continued talking to him via text messages or emails.

come to find out, he was living with his ex (who he has previous children with) and she ended up being pregnant too.

there was my cue to cut off all ties. they could be a family, i could move on.

did that happen? no.

something happened with him dealing with abuse and she left town with her kids and wont let him back in her life or the kids either....

he came crawling back to me. he got kicked out of his home and ended up living with me. he sucked me right back in.

i had my baby last year, and he seems to think he is a great, loving, doting father. but he's not. i'm terrfied to leave my child even for 2 minutes while i'm in the bathroom. she never leaves my sight when he is around. he continues to emotionally abuse me. he uses me for money. he even uses our child to hurt me. he says if i ever kick him out he will take me to court and get full custody of our child, because im "crazy". he blackmails me. he told me when i had a headache that he hopes i'm dying of a brain aneyursm. he always says he is going to kill himself or drive his car off a cliff.

he has been out of my house for a week now. i'm scared he is going to try to get custody of our child. how do i get him out of my life forever? yeah people say get a restraining order, but i don't believe that will work. i just need help keeping him away, especially from my daughter. i do not trust him. even he said himself he can't be trusted around children, which even proves my point more that he shouldn't be anywhere near my child... plus he was almost arrested for some type of abuse with his ex and her kids. even though that case was sealed in confidential files, is there anywhere i could use that against him? someone please help me.

Walking on eggshells - samantha - Jul 13th 2010

Never had I experience the confusion of what I thought was love until I humblely gave myself to a person with an honest and open heart only to be torn down, humiliated, and crushed. I was no longer a 41 year old women but a child who felt unable to defend herself and scared. Just the mear presence and the sound of his vioce in his outrage sent me in a corner in my world all alone begging to get out "okay'. Although I had left 1 time and eventually grew the courage to say I would leave I would advise any person who is abused to not comment on their plan of action. He broke everything and anything that had a sentimental value including me. I have left and like others feel horrible. But in 12 months I went from a role model to a very lonely sad person...who walked on eggs shells everyday...until today. and I can only thank Jehovah for the strength he has given me to have left.

coming to life - markuss - Jul 12th 2010

My girlfriend has just got back with her husband and reading this article it was like it was her life when she was with him before,We had for the past year one of the best relationships we both have ever had.I can't for the life of me understand why from coming out of a abusive relationship and going into a really great relationship where we both gel  really perfectly she would go back into an abusive relationship,I honestly can't see him changeing I've told her it's the way he is and will be almost impossible for him to change prior he was a patient also at the DOPso I can only fear for herbut told her I'd wait and see if she needs me.

THIS IS HARD - PAMELA - Jul 1st 2010

So I think this is a step on the right track. I have made excuses for my boyfriend for the last 4 yrs. I to feel like i'm abandoning him if I leave, I always say he loves me he's just messed up because of his childhood, etc. Then after he hits me or calls me horrid names or abuses my dog, who protects me every chance he gets..I find myself looking in the mirror wandering why i'm doing this why I put up with him? Then he is back again apologizing telling me how much he loves me and i'm all he has, so I stop looking in the mirror and go thru another day wondering what it will bring. The truth is i'm angry with myself for not being able to walk away and I don't understand why this is so hard for me to do!! So i'm sitting here reading these articles and it's a vision of my life. I never new abuse until I met him. I came from a great close family, that has begged me and even threatened to never speak to me again if I stay with him, and still nothing has made me leave. I can remember being 16 and reading about domestic abuse and saying thats horrible i'll never be in that situation i'm to strong for that....But, yet here I am not so strong. The truth is i'm lost I don't know what to do, because, I still no matter what think I love him and of course he must love me!!......It's funny because anyone looking at our relationship knows he doesn't love me. For 4 years I have supported financially and mentally. I pay every bill, every outting and I come home to a complete crazy person and my dog that I have had forever is usually cowering in the corner with his ears down looking at me like why do you leave me with this crazy man. I need help and I know that because this is a life I choose to live not that I have to live and maybe reading and commenting here has helped me see!!....I hope so!!

Dr. Dombeck's Note: If someone is hitting you, calling you names and harming your dog, that is without a doubt, abuse.  You are indeed being abused by your boyfriend.  When you are ready - you will have to take action if you want it to stop.  Taking that action is your responsibility and privilage and you have to give yourself the permission to take that action (your boyfriend will not do it for you and no one else could). 

Taking action to make the abuse stop is absolutely hard because the story in your head says that if you do take action you'll be a "horrible selfish person" (or something to that effect). You don't want to be a bad person, so you stay and tolerate the abuse. Here's the mistake: You are allowing your compassion for your boyfriend's suffering to eclipse your own, as though he is more important than you are, and you do not deserve to live in safety and to be treated with respect.  This is false because you are just as important as he is. 

Do not allow your compassion for your boyfriend's suffering to eclipse your own.  In this type of case, it is important that you become more "selfish" - not so that you become a bad person who takes advantage of others, but so that you come back to "zero".  You have been so unselfish that you've enabled an imperfect man to take advantage of you.  Your self-esteem "bank account" is overdrawn.  By becoming just selfish enough to insist that you not be taken advantage of, you can "pay off that debt" and get back to zero. 

in responce to just left - Kate - Jun 29th 2010

You have taken a very big step by leaving. I am amazed. You are a very strong person.

But there is still a part of you that is holding on, can you see it?

I tried to hold onto my abusive ex, tried for 9 months, but because I kept that contact I always went back. The abuse didn't stop when the relationship did. Eventually he had me broken, I went back for a fourth time, and he raped me. It was only then that I realized how dangerous and serious of a situation I was in. Now I do NOT contact him, because that shows him that I love myself more then him and that he can no longer have that power or control over me.

My adivice would be to cut off contact COMPLETELY and do not look back. Work on healing you, because that is how you will get far in life.

I KNOW that you can do it! Because you are strong. Because you have already taken that first step!

Raluca - Kate - Jun 29th 2010

You are not crazy.

Tell yourself that a million times. Over and over until you believe it.

You need to allow yourself to heal in a healthy way. NO contact with your ex. At all. And maybe see if you can find a good councilor. From personal experiance my counsilor has really helped me. She helped me understand where my confusion was coming from.

I still have a long way to go on this road of healing as well but you have taken a big step by talking about it. I am scared to death to become like my ex, but the truth is, that is up to us. We have to power to control our actions. Just like being abusive was his choice. We chose to heal, or to try and fill that hole that has been left by being abusive as well.

Make your choice, because it is only yours to make, and then stick to it. If you want to heal, then take everday one day at a time, seek help, and support, and begin finding yourself again.

You are not alone 

jennifer - Kate - Jun 29th 2010

You are not alone.

Congratulations on your choice to leave. You are not stupid, you are very smart.

Keep us updated on how you are doing! :)

Dear Amanda - Kate - Jun 29th 2010

I used to think that it would NEVER turn physical, boy was I wrong. 

I kept making excuses for him, he had an abusive childhood and I do feel bad for him and almost feel like i'm abandoning him.

I have been reading the stories on here and can relate, I too have been trapped in my apartment, told, like an animal, to sit on the floor while my bf took my keys and unplugged the phones and blocked my path to the doorway.  This has happened more regularly and in the last year he had talked about how much he wanted to kill me during these abusive outburts, even to the point of holding knives to me while he punched me with the other hand or strangled me. He has quite a long police record of violence against others and me AND he was on a good behaviour bond, yet he is already out of jail and telling all who'll listen that it is all MY fault because apparently I like to look at other men, which is crazy cause he is the only man I ever wanted!  Can you believe that this is what he gives for the reason for ALL the abuse?  Has anyone else ever had this problem?  It became so bad that I couldnt even go to the store with him or drive in the car because I was worried I would accidently look at someone and it would set him off!  I have never heard of any man being this paranoid before. 

So, even after all this, as I sit here tonight, I want him back and I don't know why!  I keep thinking 'what if he finds someone else and changes for her?' or stupid things like that.  I miss the old him, the nice him and can't let go of the good times.  I have been strong so far but it's hard. :(  Aghhh!  Driving myself crazy.

Dear Amanda,

I have put emphasis on the setances and words that struck out to me. I understand your confusion, and your frustration, and your pain.

I have been able to leave my abusive 9 month relationship, and I want to tell you that you are a very strong woman for being able to leave that man. It took me four times of leaving and going back to actually LEAVE him for good. Like you, I justified his behavior, and it escalted but I was always able to pick out some small good time (even if it was fake) that would send me spiriling back to him.

But then there came a point in time where I realized that I do not miss him, I miss the guy he pretended to be. The illusion that he made me believe. What has helped me the most when I start feeling like I miss him or he really will change or really is sorry or really loves me, is reading what I wrote about why I left.

This may help you as well, try writing down ALL of the reasons you left him, without leaving ANYTHING out. No one else has to see it. And whenever you start missing the 'good times' pull out that paper and read, and re-read and remind yourself that you are a beautiful person who deserves so much more then that.

My ex had an abusive childhood as well. But we need to understand that an abusive childhood is not an excuse to hurt and or kill someone. If he wanted help, or if he was really sorry, he would have taken the initiative to step up and take responsibility for his own actions and not start blaming you once he was able to get out of jail.

He has a past of violence, it didn't start with you. His next girlfriend will be his next victim because he cannot change for someone else. He cannot change for her or you because he needs to change for himself.

You are a beautiful strong woman! Take time for yourself. One day at a time, I know you will make it. =) I am here for you if you ever need to talk.

In responce to Is my relationship abusive? - Kate - Jun 29th 2010

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

How often I had wandered through confusion and self doubt. You are in an abusive relationship, the drinking is no excuse.

I don't know much about the country you are in but usually there are womens shelters you can go to after leaving an abusive relationship/marriage.

This man does not want to see you happy. You need to love yourself more then you love him. I know that it feels impossible to just pack some things and leave without ever looking back, but I did it and thats how I know you can as well.

Be patient with yourself, love yourself. Writing down thoughts and feels always helped me sort through the confusion and not completely lose myself.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain. But I know, without a doubt, that you can make it. You just have to chose to.

I support you my friend! and I am here to help in any way I can.

Is my relationship abusive? - - Jun 24th 2010

I was wondering if someone could offer me some advice. I found this article very helpful but was wondering if people who have experienced abuse and left their partners, to give me some tips.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we are both from different countries. I met him while travelling and when we fell in love I decided to stay with him. I now live with him in England while my family are in Australia. So obviously a very huge divide. My family has never visited me, and with my job it is very hard to get time off so I haven't seen my family and friends in 4 years. I have said to my boyfriend if he ever sees us moving back to Aust and he always says no. As a result I have been sad, grumpy and homesick. Everytime I try to talk about it with him, he tells me to grow up. I have never felt supported by him with this.

His always enjoyed a drink and getting too drunk and whever he gets drunk he gets angry. For the past 2 years his anger when drunk gets worse and worse. He yells, shouts etc. But he also grabs me, pushes me, pulls me from one room to another and grabs me by the throat. I never saw him as "abusive" because he has never actually hit me.

However, I feel it has gotten too much lately and recently during a drunken rage he put both his hands on my face til I thought I couldnt breathe. It frighten me so much. The then forced his hands inside me and just kept calling me names.

The next morning, as this article explains, he was as usual his kissing cuddling self. This is the first time I haven't responded and now he has lost his power and control.

The only thing is, being I have no friends over here, and we live together, I don't know what to do. I don't  have enough money to fly back to Aust, and my parents can't afford to bail me out. I feel like I will end up forgiving him and staying with him just because I have no where else to go, just like this article says.

I really would appreicate some advice as I really have no one to turn to. I'm scared to tell anyone as he comes off as such a great guy that I'm afraid people won't believe me and think I'm making it up.

thanks

Hard Times - Amanda - Jun 23rd 2010

I am yet another woman who has been abused.  I had been in my relationship for almost 6 years and 3 weeks ago he bashed me really bad.  The abuse started from early on and first it was emotional and verbal and I used to think that it would NEVER turn physical, boy was I wrong.  The abuse has been so bad, when I think about the awful things he has done to me I feel even embarressed to write them on here!  But I kept making excuses for him, he had an abusive childhood and I do feel bad for him and almost feel like i'm abandoning him.

I have been reading the stories on here and can relate, I too have been trapped in my apartment, told, like an animal, to sit on the floor while my bf took my keys and unplugged the phones and blocked my path to the doorway.  This has happened more regularly and in the last year he had talked about how much he wanted to kill me during these abusive outburts, even to the point of holding knives to me while he punched me with the other hand or strangled me.  Even after the last time, I didnt call the police, but 2 days later when I saw the anger signs coming again, I was luckily only at the front door to my apartment so he couldnt trap me in and I escaped and called the police, they came and took him away.  He has quite a long police record of violence against others and me AND he was on a good behaviour bond, yet he is already out of jail and telling all who'll listen that it is all MY fault because apparently I like to look at other men, which is crazy cause he is the only man I ever wanted!  Can you believe that this is what he gives for the reason for ALL the abuse?  Has anyone else ever had this problem?  It became so bad that I couldnt even go to the store with him or drive in the car because I was worried I would accidently look at someone and it would set him off!  I have never heard of any man being this paranoid before. 

So, even after all this, as I sit here tonight, I want him back and I don't know why!  I keep thinking 'what if he finds someone else and changes for her?' or stupid things like that.  I miss the old him, the nice him and can't let go of the good times.  I have been strong so far but it's hard. :(  Aghhh!  Driving myself crazy!

felt like i was ugly and that i was nothing - jennifer - Jun 22nd 2010

hi I just wanted to say this site help me. My boyfriend always puts me down said he was useing me for fincale reasons, that every time he has sex with me he thinks of others, that my pus is wack, am no body ect. I didnt relize what to do befor i seen this site. Its time to leave wasted over a year. felt like i was ugly and that i was nothing. thank you for your help to move on.

i m suffering from n verbally abusive relation - khanak - Jun 21st 2010

i m suffering from a verbally abusive relation from past 10 mnths i m 19yrs old...my boyfrnd to whome i ws commited very seriously use to call me names n blame me 4 eevrytng...i took it to b his love 4 few months but ltr on he became very very abusive in his words he didnt let me tok 2 my frnds..he always thought dat i ws cheating on him he use to imagine tngs like m making out wid sum other person infront of n made me admit it by treating to kill my family..i m a law student jst in my 1st yr he didnt let me study..he never let me sleepsaying dat if he s nt feeling sleepy den hw cn i..nw i hv left him but nw he is cuming at my place n saying dat he will ruin my reputation everywere he hs already done dat in my college..i m feeling so let down because of him i left my family my friendz..my studies my dancing my eating he forced me to commit suicide jst to check if i loved him or not.. he ask me fullfil his sexual need wich r against my values but he calls me names n treats me but still i hv managed not to do it he started physically hurting me by scraching my body n holding me thightly dat hurts i cnt go back to him but he says dat he would kill me he tried to do it beforehe came wid a gun infront of my house he knws everytng abt me as his frnds keep on spying on me i dnt knw wat to do its been 2 mnths since i hv had a word wid him but still he tries to call from sumwere or the other my parents r very supportive but i fear for dere life wat shud i doo..:(

I feel like I am going crazy - Raluca - Jun 19th 2010

I was in abusive relationship for almost 4 years. Towards the end of it my self doubt became paroxistic. I felt ugly, unatrractive, crazy and stupid. So I started acting abusive myself or at least this is what I fear the most that I became abusive too. After he cheated on me and offended me I became so low confident that once, when he went out with some friends I became jealous and was upset on him for not inviting me. I know I shouldnt have done that , I am so afraid of becoming like him. Can abused persons become abusive themselves? Anyway Im away from him now and fighting to stay that way.

Reading these posts is just what I needed - A J - Jun 11th 2010

I was due to give birth to my baby yesterday, she seems to not be ready yet, but she will arrive at any time soon.  My partner has not been in touch for weeks, not even to see if his daughter is born yet.  That has been really hard to understand.  When he has been in touch recently it was to tell me how is surrounded by good people now, unlike me, going camping with his friends from narcotics anonymous and his 2 year old daughter, and how well he is getting on with his ex now.

Beyond the hurt I know it is pathetic, abusive.  It is so hard though to resist the draw to try and win them over, make them see what they are doing, fix them.

I think Alanon is my saving grace, a support group recommended in a book that has also really helped. I urge you all to read 'women who love too much'.

Once my daughter arrives, I know it will be hard, but I know we will have a better life with her Dad not in it.  I will give him a chance to have access, but I am focused on fixing myself, and being able to enjoy healthier relationships from now on.  All my ex's have been abusive, this is my third child to a third man, doesn't look so good really.  My problem is loving men as I see as misunderstood not promiscuity.

Good luck everyone, take your focus off these unhealthy men and put it on yourself to rebuild your self esteem.

A Xx

Just left - - Jun 3rd 2010

Constantly I feel like I might have done the "wrong thing" by leaving my less than 1 year marriage. Before we were married, things were difficult. 

I moved in with him after about 6 months of dating because he wanted to get married. Once I was there, he hesitated about the engagement. It was horrible for me because I had left my place and moved to the neighboring state. After we got married, a year later, things got worse. When we were planning the wedding, he said he wasn't happy about getting married (he was in his mid 40's and never had been married). I thought he was just scared. 

Once married, the "abuse" got so much worse. I asked him not to call me the "c" word. He said that I should just make it part of my vocabulary, then it wouldn't bother me so much. During one fight, he told me that he "hated my %#*$#$ guts. I was devastated. Another fight, he spit in my face. And, another, he threw a bottle of water in my face.

A few months after that, he stalked me. I met some friends after work for over an hour and he found out about it by listening to my voice messages. That night, I spent in a hotel. I had friends that kept me company until I went to sleep. He accused me of cheating and hit me, but not enough to show any signs. 

Since then, he broke into my emails, my phone account, my mail. He called me names every other day. He hated my family. He threatened divorce (not just then, but since we got married). After a few months of this torture, I decided to leave. When I told him this he started to say he wanted to work things out. I didn't budge. I left. 

Now he blames me for not wanting to work things out and leaving him. I have enough life experience that I thought this was just a temporary feeling and that if I had stayed, things would eventually even get worse.

Now that I'm gone, living alone for the past couple of months, I'm very depressed. We still have some email and minimal phone contact. His verbal abuse and blaming continues.

I just hope I did the right thing, that it is worth all this pain.

denial of reality by abuser - - May 26th 2010

Other reasons that people stay:

- Threats of "if you leave me, I'll..." fill in the blank anyway you like "get custody of the kids", "won't pay you a dime and you won't be able to make it", "kill you", "ruin you", etc...

- One of the most important dynamics in abusive relationships is the denial of reality by the abuser, who so often and repeatedly tells the spouse that they (the abuser) is a great spouse, that they treat them well, that they'd never find anybody better for them, that this is how relationships should be, that they (the spouse) is too sensitive and overreacting, that nothing really happened and the partner/spouse is just going crazy.  It isn't until the partner of the abuser begins to realize that it doesn't have to be that way that they can start to break free of the fog that has grown over them through this "crazy-making" attempt to ruin their reality -- that they can start to fathom a better life.  It takes a long time for that fog to lift, and one heck of a lot of strength. 

- As noted - it does get worse when the person leaves, and that's when even more strength is needed.  Personally, I had to carry around a list of reasons why I was leaving in my purse and refer to them frequently -- because I knew that I was putting myself and our children through a lot of turmoil.

I got out and so can you - - May 26th 2010

I was in an abusive relationship for one long and tiresome year. My boyfriend was in the Marines. He went to Iraq three times and had major PTSD after his last tour. Our relationship was great at first. It was the picture perfect romance. He would be abroad or on base on the other side of the county and then I would fly out  to see him. We would have a romantic vacation while he was on leave and everything was wonderful. Until our long distance relationship came to an end. He moved in with me shortly after his discharge from the service. And then I started to see the dark side of him.

I used to blame it on the drinking. One night he was really intoxicated. I said something to him that he took the wrong way. Before I knew it, I was on the ground and he was punching me over and over again to the point that I had to cross my arms over my chest so the blows wouldn't be so hard. Somehow I got out of his hold. He was able to calm down some and he went into the bedroom. I waited until he passed out and then booked it out of our apartment and went right to my friend's. I had bruises all over and my ribs hurt for weeks. My friends were all concerned and nobody saw it coming.

The next day, I went back to the apartment and yelled at him for what he did to me. I showed him the bruises and he apologized over and over. He didn't remember doing that to me at all. I made excuses for him ("he was drunk" "he had a tough time in the military" "I shouldn't have upset him"). We kissed and made up and things were better for a while.

Then he would punch me in my sleep and I would wake up not knowing what I did. He would call me names out of the blue, spit in my face, and tell me how my friends didn't really care about me and only cared about themselves. He would treat me poorly, but try to convince me that no one else would be there for me and he was the only one I could count on. He would even guilt trip me into thinking I was so worthless that I deserved to be punched and one time I even asked him to hit me because I thought I deserved it.

My friends had an intervention because they were concerned about my recurring bruises. They wanted me to get help, but I became defensive. I thought that things would get better some day. I made him go to the VA for therapy and counseling, but he didn't take it seriously. I wanted to fix him and make things the way they were when he was in the service.

He used to only hit me when no one else was around. But one time, he did it when my roommate was home with her boyfriend. She got concerned and called the cops. I tried to lock him out, but he punched down my door and broke my window. The cops told me to file a restraining order. I refused because deep down I still thought I could fix him.

The day I finally walked away was the day we were going to meet up with my friends for happy hour. We argued in my car. I didn't want to talk to him and tried to walk away. While I was walking down the street, he came up from behind and punched me in the back of my head. I quickly ran to a nearby bar where a group of older men saw what happened and called the police. One was a former cop. He told me "he's never going to change. Get out while you can. I've seen this a hundred times." This final pop on the head made me wake up and realize I needed to get out. I called my dad and he drove 6 hours to my apartment and helped me move all of his stuff out. I filed a restraining order the next day and haven't heard from him since. I found out later he has done this to every girl he has ever been in a relationship with (even before the military). I realized I needed to stop making excuses and stop allowing him to manipulate me into believing I was worthless and it was ok for him to use me as his punching bag.

I started going to a abused women's support group right after this relationship. I then stopped dating for a year. I now have met the love of my life and haven't looked back.

Walk Away From Abusive Relationships - Ebony Brehon - May 19th 2010

If your in a abusive relationship tell someone or pack up your stuff and tell your abuser "Look this is it i cant take no more and i leaving you and it's your lost"

do not hesitate - connie smith - Apr 22nd 2010

I can see from the above comments ...these poor people could write a book.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 25 years.

The more you type. The more angry you beome.

If your stomach starts to turn when pulling in the driveway

If the notion of ''What is he thinking'' when you're 5 minutes late comes to mind.

When someone calls on the phone and hangs up ''scares you'' ( must be a boyfriend ) ( imaginary )

YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP .....................

do not hesitate. GET OUT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

la imposicion - - Apr 7th 2010

no se da cuenta una persona de que esta en una escalada de maltratos en ocasiones va in crescendo se le anula economicamente, se le imponen pertenencias y silencios se le dañan roban sus pertenencias, se les intoxica, se les suministran anuladores de la voluntad se les acosa, se les amenaza, y se crean circulos y rodean de opresores para que no puedan tener ni fuerzas, ni escapatoria, apenas ven que se recupera se le administra uno o varios correctivos y dopantes, se le boicotea y se juega criminalmente contra ellas.

Dr. Dombeck's Note: Not being a Spanish speaker (I think this is Spanish), I pushed this through Google Translate and got the following:

"not realize a person is in an escalation of abuse sometimes it goes in crescendo cancels economically, are imposed on property damage and silences you steal their belongings, they were intoxicated, they will provide cutters are harassed, threatened, and create circles and surrounded by oppressors so they can not have neither forces, nor escape, are just recovering are given one or more corrective and doping, he was boycotted and play against them criminally."

Painful RE: Realization, still in denial. - - Mar 30th 2010 - Richard - Mar 31st 2010

Thanks for sharing and before I begin I just wanted to say, that the thoughts and feelings I am about to share with are mine and mine alone.  Please take it with a grain a salt, ultimately the decision in what you do is up to you.

First of all by reaching out to this site is a very good step in asking for help, however you now must take action to begin your journey of healing yourself.  You must first discover why you are in this type of relationship?  What is your payoff?  How does it serve you?  No one deserves to be abused, you have the will to shift your own behavior, not your boyfriend.

Receiving counseling and was one of the best things that I ever allowed myself to receive.  I was brought up with worthiness issues, which lead to low self-esteem, I was always attracted to people that treated me poorly.  I recall once I met a beautiful woman and I left her because she was too nice, it was wasn't that when I look back, I felt undeserving.

It has taken me such a long time to get to where I am today after my wife left me and my children and although I am doing great, I still do not give myself credit for not falling into a billion pieces.  I still slip up, at times fighting my ego, wanting to verbally get back at my ex-wife for screwing up my life, then again she did nothing wrong, her choices were based on her own experiences and I was the perfect person for her to control and once I woke up to the reality of being in an abusive relationship, I started to have boundaries and wanted peace and mutually respect in our marriage and that's when she turned everything around and blame me for everything, calling me controlling and an abuser, etc.  Her actions are perfectly logical in her world and mine in my world.  My daughter made me realize this, we are all perfect in our own worlds.  I am so proud of her that realizes that her parents live in different worlds, which is why we can't be together.  I love my girls so much and they do give me the strength to not screw up too much and to be honest, I know this may sound funny I am kind of glad my ex-wife cheated on me and did what she did because I was just going with the flow, I too was in denial, her actions woke me up and I had the strength do something, this when I started to take action. 

Intention + Action = Results!!!

Get help!  No one can tell if you should stay or go, however be good to yourself and when you believe you deserve to be in a loving relationship, you will make the best decision for yourself, period.

I am proud to say that I am not perfect and yes at time I am messed up in the head, however I am doing my best to deal with this and to move forward by learning more about myself, shifting my thoughts and more important my behavior with myself and others.  I believe this journey will be on going for the rest of my life and if there is anything I can tell you what to do is this, take that first step, once you do, your other foot will follow.  You deserve happiness, you deserve the life that GOD and the Universe intended for you to have, get out of your ego, get out of fear, if you don't you will live a life of nothingness or even worst you will become an abuser.

Start by loving yourself and the rest will follow!  This I can honestly say will come true for you.

 

Richard.

Painful Realization, still in denial. - - Mar 30th 2010

I have a lot of feelings of doubt, in my 6 month off and on relationship with my boyfriend, and they scare me. I tried to tell him what he was doing, being emotionally manipulative, but he just looked shocked like I had hit him. "What? Me? I am no abuser! If anything it is YOU who is controlling, because you decided to end the relationship, then stop talking to me, now we are talking again. I had no say in it."

He told me I was lying, and when I got up enough guts to tell someone, he kept telling me what a horrible liar I am and how much all of his friends want to hurt me, or kill me.

This confused me, I would try to give an example but I could never pin anything down. Three days ago he was acting very sweet, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, he was sorry, asking me to date him again. He said: "I have never been through this much for a girl, it says one thing about me, I love you." And then when I said that I was glad he was sorry, he blew up on me again. He started swearing and said, "I have no reason to be sorry! I was waiting for you to see that. Look at all of the stuff you have done, and learn from it. YOU need help, you need to go see someone, you can't fix yourself alone."

Then, I started to believe him.

I had thoughts like, oh my, everything really was all my fault wasn't it? I really am lying, or exaturating the situation. Nothing I say makes sense anymore, am I going crazy? I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him.

And then, my friend came to talk to me. I had never talked to her about the situation before but she looked me in the eye and she said, he is not good for you he is emotionally abusing you, I can see it first hand.

So what do I do? I am going to call him on Thursday and he is going to tell me all the reasons why it as my fault not his, I want to make him see what he is doing, I really believe that he doesn't know. I want him to get help, and I never want him to do it to another girl again. But I am so scared to talk to him, and part of me still wants to deny everything.

There was one point where he threatened suicide if I ever left, this prevented me from leaving for a few months, then with the support of my family and friends I got up the courage to leave. When I was trying to leave he yelled, screamed, swore, blamed, cried, he tried Every thing that he could possibly think of to keep me there. I got up and started heading towards the door, trying to stay calm. He blocked the door, I told him to move. He balled up his fists then threw the door up and said, GET THE F OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! And slammed the door.

I stayed away for almost two months, but I couldn't take it. I was worried he was going to kill himself, I let his words get to me. I started talking to him again, he yelled at me. Then he got really sweet. He explained that I was overreacting and that when he said that he was going to commit suicide he just meant that he felt a lot of pain but he would never commit suicide over losing me. He continued to tell me how amazing I am, and how luck he was to have me.

Then he pressured me into almost having sex with him, while saying that, that was not what he intended at all. I was able to walk away, but he constant talked about things relating to it that made me unconfortable. I never had the courage to stand up to him because he would get so angry. 

I got scared, and he got angry.

i can see the same pattern, every time, but I really believe that he does not know he is doing it. I keep trying to tell him, if I ever build up enough courage, but he responds with anger. I don't want to leave him all alone. I want to help him, support him. But he is starting to make me believe that i really am crazy, and that I need to talk to someone. But when I think about it, it doesnt feel right. I have always been happy, no matter what, able to make the best out of every situation. It has NEVER been hard for me to walk away or let go of a guy. I have always had great self confidence, but now I feel like that has been shattered. I feel like I dont have a say, I cant speak up, I am scared to. I have been depressed, and I felt very alone. My friends tell me things like, just walk away, its not that hard. Or, if I were you I would have been like there is no way you are telling me what to do.

They dont understand, that it is harder then that. I need help but I dont know what and I dont know where to start. I need to make the choice, should I stay or should I go?

Cycle - Laura - Mar 28th 2010

My parents were abusive to me. I grew up extremely angry and with no self esteem as a result. I later ended up in an abusive relationship for 3 years. He was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative and on occasions physically, once sexually. I'm free now. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. He was very ill at the time and kept talking about killing himself when I left. It got to the point where it was either him or me, I chose to save myself. I felt like I was leaving him to die. It's no picnic. If you know you 'have' to leave, don't fool yourself into thinking that 'someday' will be easier. The longer you stay the harder it is. Prepare yourself to go through hell for a while and do it. You have no idea the peace and huge huge relief that you will feel once you're through with it. I am trying to come to terms with my past. I believe it is the root of my own anger problems. I'm in a new relationship now and I can become very angry (over the top), and verbally abusive myself. I severely hate myself for it but I don't know how to stop. I've talked to my partner about it quite a lot and am seeing a therapist to hopefully overcome the issues in time. Don't subject yourself to abuse, it can affect you in so many negative ways.

need advice - che - Mar 25th 2010

can he change? i just moved states away to be with him , its been 2months and already  had 3 physical fights. i fight back and keep hitting until he stops. we both need anger classes but him more,is it 2 late 2 change ? i find myself turning into a monster like him when i get mad im afraid next fight might be really nasty what can i do

RE: I am the abuser - Richard - Mar 4th 2010

Thank you for sharing your journey with us!  Reading your post gave me a little more insight regarding what my ex-wife was going through.  She was the abuser in our relationship and although she struggled what to do, it was I who made the choice to stop the abuse.

I can feel your stress in deciding what to do, my ex-wife kept going out every night, leaving me and my girls and when I sense that she cheated on me, this is when I confronted her.  She turned everything around on me and blamed me for everything.  She told me that I was the controlling one and it was all my fault.

Well thank God for the love and support from my friends and counselors, etc, I have healed.  I am now in a new beautiful relationship and now my girls are witness to see what a truly loving relationship looks like.

Those who are reading this who are in an abusive relationship, believe that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  As they say, "Short turn pain, long term gain."  I am no longer co-dependant, I am no longer the man you could walk all over, I now have boundaries, I now truly love myself, I am real, I am AWAKE for the first time in my life.  I could never go back and be the person I was during my marriage, however I do appreciate the lessons I have learned so that I can move forward in my new relationship and I hope that my modeling of what a healthy relationship looks like will influence my girls so when they are older, they can make choices in their lives that will lead them to a happy and healthy relationships with their spouses and children.  No one deserves to treated bad and no one should treat others badly.

Richard "I am awake"

 

I was in an abusive realationship - - Feb 15th 2010

To the comment below. This is a tough one. Have you asked him to go to couples conseling? My relationship started perfectly until we got married. He changed and became verbally abusive, jealous and eventually we fought everyday. I couldn't go to work because he thought I was cheating on him at work. I couldn't go to school because he would show up at my school to check on me or fight with me the entire night before my tests. He belittles me and doesn't show any respect towards me or my family. I honestly think he has a borderline personallity disorder or paraniod disorder or something. I begged him to get help and of course he said no and blammed his actions on me. I left him a few times with no success. I kept going back to him thinking he would change or that I can do things differently and he would not act the way he does towards me anymore. It never worked. There was a vicious cycle of abuse, honeymoon phase and back to abuse. I'm still having a difficult time getting over it especially today, since its Valentine's Day. I'm hanging on to the person I fell in love with and not openning my eyes to see the person he bacame now. To all that had to go through this, I feel for you and please get yourselves out of this because you are worth more than that. You deserve someone who will appreciate you and love you without all that abuse and stress. Trust me you will get over this one, just like you did with your past relationships. Take the time to work on yourself and respect yourself enough to know what your partner is doing is WRONG!

What do I do? - Emily - Feb 9th 2010

I am in an abusive relationship on both ends. My significant other pushes and provokes (often restrains me from walking away from him) until I can't take it anymore and I end up forcefully doing things to get him away from me. When the fights come down to this he becomes even more forceful and tries hurting me and threatening me to scare me. It seems to be happening more often. We have talked about it and he agreed he does things to push me and I know I shouldn't push or pinch him in my defense to get him to stop sitting on me and holding me so we can talk, but we need to find a better way. I do not want to talk about this with anyone close to us because they don't see this side of us and it makes it difficult that we do this to each other. I'm lost and don't know what to do. Help.

I am the abuser - - Jan 30th 2010

I am the abuser in this relationship. I grew up in an abusive environment. My father was the abuser. He was physically, emotionally abusive,sexually abusive, but mainly emtionally and verbally abusive towards all of us. He was especially verbally abusive towards my mother. I loved my mother dearly and felt hatred and resentment towards my father. I swore I would never be like him. I also felt resentment towards my mother because she stayed with him. Growing up I had resentment towards men. I avoided getting in emotional relationships with men. Until I met David. I promised I would not get involved past friendship but ended up falling for him. I not only wanted to get my emotional problems resolved prior to getting involved but i wanted to get my career goals met. Well pretty soon we had two wonderful children a year apart from each other. Things got worse with the first one. I tried my hardest to be a loving mother and did ok for the most part but I became a monster as a wife. Before I knew it I became pregnant with another child. I suffered with depression all my life but this time it was worse. I have tried my hardest not  to be the parent that my father was to us. I have done ok. However, I have become the emotionally, verbally abusive freak my father was towards my spouse. I went to counseling where it focused mainly on getting rid of my depression and anxiety through use of non medicational methods. However, the feelings of depression/anxiety and loss of control were still there. Now we have  two and three year old boys and are finacially depedent on each other to keep our household afloat. My impulse is to leave. I believe David does not deserve what I dish out. I don't feel I can be the wife he deserves. Partly, because we did not want the same things in life and we were to young and immature to appreciate that. I wanted a career David wanted a family. I needed to work my issues before I got involved. Now I deal with work, grad school, and to small children and husband. I do not know what to do. Should I separate from David. I know that would be the best for us emotionally. But financially, in order to support our children it is not. We are in a toxic relationship. And I don't know what to do. I have gone through telling my self i will not verbally abuse him again but end up doing it. David and my children need to see what a healthy relationship looks like. I avoid doing it infront of my kids, but I know the feel the tension.  Everything in me says to leave I just don't know how.

child abuse - sam baines - Jan 11th 2010

i am reivieng help for posttraumatic stress disorder and i just have to say as a aldult who was abused as a child and still gets abused by my parents   the mental health team who help me in plymouth r wonderfull i am so lucky to have them help me  dnt live with the pain get help  abuse can make u rot and mess your life up  it screws up your noormal rational thinking  i went to the drs and got help  best i have ever done   worst my brothers did not some went on to abuse there own chrildrem rotting in there abuse they suffered  i still dnt know if i should go to the police and tell what happened to me and my brothers  i just dnt want this cycle to go on my parents were abused in the same way and then abused us then it goes on i was different i got help always knew what they doen to us was wrong  how could it not of been i would tell myself it was pain and hurt  if that was life then i would rather b dead  i remeber thi nking that as a child do i go to the police stop this chain it is of physical sexaul and emotional abuse  my parents were saddistic cruel evil people  i belive they may of been ill  but others went on to do the same how sick is that  im proud to b different though im made to feel mad and odd because i go against them and there sick games with peoples minds  i am normal not them  but do i tell the police about the saddistic stuff that went on in r house when we were kids  do i have my parents sent to jail  what makes a person saddistic  so sick

really help - punk'd - Jan 4th 2010

this is all stupid u should all get out of the relationship ,and they should go to jail!

fed up but confused enough to have stayed... - - Jan 3rd 2010

I am in an abusive relationship.  Am not married to my abuser, however have lived together for 5 yrs now.  The verbal abuse is daily. The physical abuse of shoving, pulling hair, using his strength, etc.. happens at least once a month.  Although the physical abuse never leaves marks, it occurs often and in view of children.  My children (do not have any children together) are witness to the monthly physical and prevy to the daily verbal abuse; they children seem to ignore the situation and tend to go to their room when the abuse occurs.  The children are 11 and 9. I am 32. The abuser is 28. As fed up as I am with the situation and although I know there are determental affects for my children I stay because I believe things will get better someday however after 5 yrs that day has yet to come. The financial support the abuser provides is helpful however I am financially independent enough that I can walk away from the relationship. I stay because I am afraid to see him with another because failing at this relationship is a way of admitting defeat to his past lovers.  Sound even more ridiculous as I type it.  Help me get the strength to walk away from the nightmare inside my home.....

CA guy, asks for your thoughts - - Dec 18th 2009

Hello folks, I’ve read through many of the posts here and it sure rings true with me.  The women I’ve been involved with for 17 months is making me lose my sanity.  Now ordinarily I wouldn’t be pointing the finger at anyone for my “lot” but am doing so now because I’m beginning to feel a little crazy. I’m hoping to hear the advice and experiences of a few people here so as to help me understand and support my decision to exit.  She’s a big drinker who doesn’t see booze as a problem.  I’m at the point where I don’t even “go there” anymore because she gets so angry if I mention she drinks too much.  I enjoy my beer, but after a few I stop.  I don’t like feeling like not being under control and keep the consumption in perspective.  When she gets rolling watch out!  I’m afraid of her.  We can’t simply go out have a drink or two and then eat, she will continue to order wine and then start on the hard stuff.  When I first met her she was friendly and always fun.  Now, I find myself worried she will embarrass me.  We don’t live together.  When things don’t go her way (it could be anything) she gets on the telephone and I have to listen to endless crazy details of some drama which in nearly every case has nothing to do with me.  More often then not she’s drinking excessively.  Here’s where the abuse starts.  It starts if I don’t want to listen to endless circular stories that go on for hours.  If I try to cut it short I eventually get subjected to double digit nastiness about my “failures.”   To which I say something in the order of, “I’m sorry you feel as strongly as you do.”  I’m not sure what or where the trigger events are, but within the last 5 months I’ve been getting slammed with a cycle of verbal assaults.  In every case these are after the fact apologized for or rationalized.  Each time she gets my sensitive side and somehow convinces me everything is going to be okay.  She is a very lovely and caring person who’s very pretty and smart which just doesn’t fit with the ugly side I’m describing here.  To look at her you’d be hard pressed to believe what I’m writing.  I’ve asked her directly, “How could you love me and say such things to me?”   I have many outrageous drunken nasty messages from her on my telephone for which I did nothing to deserve.  There have been times when we’ve gone away together and it’s been wonderful and enjoyable for the first few days until and if she gets drunk.  Then I feared for my safety because of her unpredictable behavior which latterly seems to turned on me.  During these times when she starts to drink the hard stuff I try to change the “scene” (suggest we go back to the room, go to a movie, take a walk, etc.).  Even if she agrees she eventually gets so drunk (ordering room service or buying booze) I would become some kinda monster in her eyes and get the wrath from hell, loud offensive and embarrassing language.  One time in I spent hours with her in a hotel room being battering with insults and crazy untrue statements clearly intended to make me feel bad.  Every time she stopped and I thought she had passed out I feared if I moved she would wake-up and start again (which she did).  I was afraid to leave the room for fear of being locked out or having her anger spiral so far out of control that she would do some thing even more stupid.  For the most part I’ve never engaged her and only kept my mouth shut because when she was in these fits she was unpredictable as best I can figure I’ve never contributed to the craziness other then calmly trying to settle her down (which never seemed to work and only made her crazier).  One time I faked I was crying and admitted I was all the things she was saying.  This amazingly stopped her and she took pity on me and she what’d to have sex (which I avoided through excuses)!  So that’s the short story and as I write this I see how dangerous this has become.  I’ve made the decision to leave and haven’t seen her in a week.  We’ve spoken and emailed.  In the beginning mostly she (true-to-form) was telling me how bad I am and how she wants her life back.  Now she’s being very sweet and apologetic. I don’t want to set her off and want to make a kind and graceful exit.  But frankly am unsure how this is going to go . . . any words of wisdom much appreciated.

Advice as requested-only advice - hurting - Dec 15th 2009

You appear to be in some pain and you have many questions you need to ask.  I want to let you know that you are not alone.  I would suggest a book by Mason called "Stop Walking on Eggshells"  It opened up a whole new world to me.  I then went to Evans "Verbally Abusive Relationships".  They were both helpful in helping me decide what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship.  It is loaded with information and has lots of suggestions for solutions.  I can strongly relate to what you are experiencing as it happened to me too.  I was and continue to be a strong male, but the verbal abuse can take its toll and make you feel worthless for a while.  Read the books and make decisions for you and your children.  It is better to make decisions earlier than later and please believe me on this.  Good luck and please know that you are not alone.

married 10 years - I need some advice - Dec 14th 2009

I have been married 10 years.  I am a stop mom of 2 boys and I have 2 of my own that are 9 and 8.  My husband and I started off great...the typical story.  But over the years some things have stuck out to me.  When the dog bumped one of the young kids, the dog was thrown across the room (A puppy).  When one of the kids upset him, the kid was thrown across the room, or down the stairs. (young teen).  HE has never been violent with me, the there has been a ton of sexual pressure, and when I don't perform, I am told that I am frigid, or victimizing him because I am not attending to his needs, and that all men are the same as he is.  I have not been working for about 2 years.  I am told, when we argue, that I need to get an F-ing job and F-ing life because all I have done is leach off of him, used him.  These things have not happened a lot, but enough for me to be upset by them.  Most recently he sat me down and stated he would be happy if I provided him with sex and emtional support as he needed it, then everything in our relationship would be fine.  I was so astounded I just sat and nodded my head.  I am very confused, the bad stuff is bad, but I think he has me so convinced that I am the cause that I am afraid to act.  He has said that if we decide to get divorced, that he won't make it "hard" for me unless I do something stupid, like get re-married.  He is so like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...anyone on the outside would never believe all of this....What do I do???  I am afraid, and don't want my kids to go through divorce and become a statistic...There is so much more, but it would take weeks to write it all down...first impressions are great, please help me!

TO THE GUY WHO WROTE BACK TO FEMALE CELIBATE - IMMACULATE - Dec 3rd 2009

  Trust me if there really were any REAL GOOD GUYS (REAL MEN) WITH GOOD CHARACTERS,GOOD NATURE and GOOD MORALS/ETHICS out there, maybe then I wouldn't be SINGLE !

( not that there really is anything wrong with being single,it's not going to kill you,it's less stressfull,you have more time to devote to yourself,to hobbies,to spiritual pursuits,etc. )

You existing as a real person - - Dec 2nd 2009

What ever happen to what the bible say's that a man should work by the sweat of his brow,I know and feel there are only a few very few rare real mens lefted in this world the ones that don't believe in abusing a woman or the relationship or been the abusiver towards the one they love dearly as God loves us and respect the rightful things and not the wrongful things.When a coward poor low sinking no good of a man abuses his love of his life his future(the kids in ways that does effect them if not physcial)he sets the standard for why was you ever born or even thought or imagine of why.Now and days all you here in songs mens speech their language their voices his disrespecting womens calling them every name in the alphabet it's a shame an outrage a disgrace and not right that also is verbal abuse that should not be teach spread or carry out in any way or even read.Men who are right now til this day abusing womens and doing all things that are bad and just cruel need to be treated the same way so they too can really know what real real pain,hurt,cruelity,and longtime sufferening is and what it feels like but that would be to good for them the best thing to do is leave wilderness alone for good.Me myself been in a 4andhalf year abused marriage and being divorce for so long I just couldn't graps or understand why would you do that to the person you cherish the most in your life.And even now I am experiencing the same expoides right now in my life enough is enough it's time to leave all behind and live life for my kids and me a more safer healthier more positived life and lifestyle so when my two boys grow up they will and would know what it means to really love someone and family and not scar them for a lifetime of hurt and pain.Love so many people use this name,word,and meaning in pure vein and hate!

To female celibate - - Dec 2nd 2009

I find it disturbing that you put forth "advice" to shar.  I guess you've had unfortunate experiences with "males," but to suggest that all males act like this is absurd.  Prior to getting married, I dated quite a few women who were off their hinges.  The difference is that I didn't stereotype all women as being off their hinges.  You make an irresponsible blanket statement about all men.  Do you know all men?

A LETTER FROM A FEMALE CELIBATE - IMMACULATE - Dec 2nd 2009

To SHAR,

 

   My advice to you is just GET THAT SORE LOSER A**HOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND FAST ! You shouldn't care about that he had a hard time growing up or any of HIS problems (non of that is any of your fault and doesn't give him a right to take out his RAGE on you or ANYONE else ! ) , this man is ABUSING YOU and USING YOU in every way possible ( and he fully knows that, he is fully aware of what he is doing to you ! )  And I am of the opinion that a FEMALE should NEVER give any kind of FINANCIAL AID or FINANCIAL SUPPORT to a MALE ! I would only do that if the man was my dearly beloved husband (who doesn't abuse me and WE REALLY love each other) and something UNFORTUNATE happened to him,like UNEMPLOYEMENT(but he always worked whenever he could his whole life) or ILLNESS or AN ACCIDENT or he became DISABLED because of something, but he always was a man who WORKED FOR HIS LIVING before the UNFORTUNATE event took place ! In my book MEN are meant to GO TO WORK (and make their own money) more then WOMEN, MEN are made for WORK ! I would only give my money to a male in the above described situations and NEVER for any other reasons, I would tell all those BUMS/SCRUBS/LOSERS and USERS and ABUSERS that are out there EVERYWHERE you go,look,and turn these days to "GO TO HELL" and "YOUR NOT GETTING ANY OF MY MONEY", "GO MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY THE WAY A REAL MAN ESPECIALLY IS SUPPOSED TO DO" !!! ( that is me, I'm traditional minded and old school like that ! ) If a woman has to work, it should only be for HERSELF (and her children, if she is single and has children ) and NEVER to FINANCIALLY SUPPORT A GROWN MALE !  Men that live off women and allow women to financially support them and take women's money are TOTALLY RIDICULOUS + GOOD FOR NOTHINGS and they are NOT REAL MEN !(in my book,according to my standards/values )

   It seems like all the GROWN MALES these days are nothing but ABUSERS/LOSERS/USERS/BUMS/SCRUBS/IMMATURE/CHILDISH. ( I refer to them as MALES because they are not necessarily REAL MEN even though they physically look like men,so many of them are really TOTALLY IMMATURE+CHILDISH, as if they are really still LITTLE CHILDREN/LITTLE BOYS trapped in the physical body of a adult man !  I notice this about so many (almost ALL of them !) of what we call "MEN"! )  But all those LITTLE BOYS out there will want SEX + ASAP from you if you got into a relationship with them, this is exactly why they are always after women in the first place! They are also TOTALLY SELFISH BASTARDS who are only thinking about themselves and just want to get ALL their own PERSONAL NEEDS met(by a FEMALE ) without ever meeting any of yours !  ALL in ALL I think GUYS really SUCK and they get on my last nerves and I never like ANY of them in return !

  But I want everyone who reads this to know that I AM NOT A LESBIAN ( I am fully HETEROSEXUAL ) and I have NEVER been sexually abused by anyone, I just don't really like guys too much,I see them and think about them as I have written above and I also don't want to have sex with any of them !

   What happened to the kid in the movie "BIG" must have happened to all the "ADULT"MALES that are out there everywhere these days !!!

   I would rather STAY ALL ALONE+CELIBATE( I am a celibate for real, I DO NOT have sex  ) FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE then be STUCK+TRAPPED in a horrible relationship with a "man" and even possibly get myself KNOCKED UP by the SORE LOSER ! I am actually more frightened of getting involved with the guys then of being without one ! I am absolutely FINE as my single self. I HATE it when guys come around and want to put pressure on you into getting into a relationship with them. I don't trust the guys at all ! And everything I'm reading here on these abuse website pages just REINFORCES my thinking and feelings about guys/ "men" and makes me VERY ANGRY reading about all of this horrible abuse/violence going on in relationships ! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THAT and PUT UP WITH ALL OF THAT PSYCHO+DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/TERROR +UNREST+UNPEACE SH** ! I sure wouldn't !  I was abused by both of my parents my whole entire life already,I know for sure I don't want to go on in my life to live with even more (possibly even WORSE) abuse !

  Alot of what I'm reading here(the postings) from what other women are going through and putting up with from the guys, is truely HORRIFYING to me ! Why do you women want DESTRUCTIVE/TERRIFYING/TOXIC/CRUEL/UNLOVING/UNGIVING/VIOLENT SORE LOSER guys in your lives ?!!! I know for sure I wouldn't want a guy like that nowhere near me !  It seems like alot of guys have somekind of PSYCHO SWITCH in them that gets turned on by certain events like AFTER YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH THEM ( in one of the posts I read it seems to me like getting involved with him sexually ended up turning him SUDDENLY PSYCHO! because when they were just friends she wrote they were doing great with each other ,they were good friends, maybe it should have just stayed at that ! ), AFTER YOU MARRY HIM ( I guess those guys shouldn't be messing with women in the first place then,if getting married ends up making you feel hopelessly trapped and miserable and turns you SUDDENLY PSYCHO !  Then keep your FILTHY HANDS + DICKS to your self in the first damn place and go live your life as a CELIBATE and leave women the hell alone if you don't like marriage+commitment !) and also AFTER HE KNOCKS YOU UP AND A BABY IS ON THE WAY( that can turn many of them SUDDENLY PSYCHO for various reasons !) And propably all kinds of other events and stuff that is part of normal life and happens in life !

  Looks like you just can never know really what will turn a guy SUDDENLY PSYCHO+ABUSIVE and when and which guy, it's all unforeseeable and totally unpredictable with any guy, they are totally unpredictable and therefore also very unreliable and I guess therefore also very untrustworthy ! Which is why I  also don't see to much of a point anymore in getting involved with any of them in any way ! What do you need a boyfriend or a husband for if the relationships are going to be like that and filled with abuse+violence+selfishness, all of that is the opposite of love anyway and most guys don't love anyway, and love is shown in the actions towards others and not by just empty words like " I LOVE YOU" but then they treat you like SH** and make you feel that way too ! SAYING to someone else the WORDS " I LOVE YOU" doesn't mean anything and can even be an OUTRIGHT DAMN LIE in some situations and circumstances, those words have been very much abused+misused+worn out by now by most people.

  To hear from someone the words " I LOVE YOU" does absolutely NOTHING to me,it does not penetrate me or sink in at all ,the words just bounce right off of me like arrows hitting a shield, and I never believe it either.

  Once a man I didn't even know personally had the nerve to kiss me on the forehead and said to me "I LOVE YOU", I RAN AWAY from him ...................

    It seems like all the MALES these days are TOTAL SORE LOSERS/

Scared and ashamed - TLF - Nov 28th 2009

I met a man two years ago. Since that time, I have beaten tried to kill myself, evicted from my apartment, he damaged my car, I lost all my friends and family, my 17 year old son hates me. He has beaten me so bad that I went to the hospital. I put an emergency PFA out on him but never went any further with it. Because I felt guilty and didn't want him to leave. But the police did. He spent a week in prison. And is now on two years probation. He blames me for this of course. But I still am with him giving him money buying things he needs and going out paying for drinks and even paying for hotels so we could be together.He has cheated on me and I even spoke to one of the girls he was with to let her know what he has done to me. My thought is i went threw this all for nothing if I let him go. How do I start over? I know in my head what I need to do. But some how he always draws me back. And I go back. How do I get my life back. Please can someone point me in the dirction i need to go. I'm so in debt going to get profesional help i'm not able to afford.

Dr. Dombeck's Note: There is a popular phrase that may help you to think about which I'll repeat here: "Don't throw good money after bad".  The meaning of this phrase is that it is not a good idea to continue to invest in or fix up something you've put your resources into (like a car) after it is clear that that thing has been "totaled"(e.g., it is clear that it will cost more to fix the thing than the thing is worth).  If your car is worth $1000 and you get in an accident which the body shop tells you will cost $3000 to repair, most people will simply get rid of the car without spending the money to fix it.  Relationships are not cars, but there is an analogy to be made here.  It certainly seems like the relationship you are in is broken and not healthy or nourishing for you.  It certainly seems like you've put a lot of your resources into trying to make it work, and it is still as broken as ever.  If you cannot hope to fix the relationship, then your best option may be to abandon it, just like people will not try to fix a totaled car. 

In light of  "don't throw good money after bad" we can rephrase the thought "I went through this all for nothing if I leave" to be something more like "I went through all this and I have nothing good now, so I might as well leave - my going through more of this will not result in my getting a better relationship with this man, so I might as well leave to see what else is possible". 

8 Years on and still confused! - Suzy - Nov 26th 2009

Thank you to everybody who left a comment, I drew a lot of strength from the comments left.  However I have been through so much counselling, specialist women's support groups,doctor's etc and I ams till with him and we have two young children together.  We were almost divorced once and I a still got back with him because I felt so isolated.

What is it going to take to stop?  I wish I knew what the breaking point will be before me or my kids suffer any more. 

Mentally abused by psychiatrist! A DOCTOR! - kalida - Nov 25th 2009

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a doctor who I trusted and believed that it was not possible for a professional educated person to degrade and humiliate women.

He used me for providing for his finances and all his needs and at the same time mentally abused me, but he always found manipulating ways to turn the story around so I can feel guilty. Over the years I lost all my self confidence and was so used to the hurt and abuse that I thought maybe it was me. Afterwards I learnt that he has used and abused many other women in the past, he lured women in with his charms and good looks. Obviously victims believed he could not possibly be a bad person, the abuse starts at the later stage in the relationship when he finishes using them for his advanced financially and sexually and when he is bored he goes on to the next. I still cannot believe he is working in the NHS as psychiatrist, a doctor! He is very manipulative! Be careful ladies!

From this relationship I have learnt there are two races of men to exist: decent and unprincipled ones. These were to be found in all classes, ethnicities, and groups. This doctor is of the unprincipled group! I am very happy now and have grown to become very successful in my life, learnt so much and still there is more to learn. Never again will I judge people who are non-educated to have less moral principle! 

 

10 years too long... - - Nov 19th 2009

I can identify with the article and the comments posted...I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years.  10 years too long...10 years that I will never get back...10 years that I could have been with someone that actually loved and respected me. All I can say now is THANK YOU, DEAR LORD, I'M OUT OF IT...

It started as probably most relationships start...everything was all great, and then slowly things started to change. From verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse. God kept trying to show me that this was not what He wanted for my life, but I chose to ignore it. I'm not going to go into all the details because I withstood alot of stuff that I shouldn't have...examples:  cheating, knives being thrown at me, his drug abuse, being hit while taking a shower with a shower rod, soda being thrown on me, being drugged so he could take advantage of me, and probably more that I'm still trying to piece together from images that I had blocked out...pure craziness!!!

What I want to share with everyone is that you can get out, even though you may have pushed away your loved ones they are there to help you. Pray because God will help you through anything, but you must make the first step to help yourself which means loving yourself enough to get away.  Don't settle for what is...change your circumstances and take charge of the life that you gave someone else control of.  Your life will only get better if YOU want it to.  I had to get that into my head.  People can tell you all they want that this is a bad relationship, you deserve better, so on and so on, but unless you actually see it that way you will not change anything.  MAKE THE CHANGE, everyone deserves true love and respect. After going through hell in that relationship and hell getting out and getting divorced my life has been full of blessings...from finding a cheaper apartment and daycare to going back to school to better my life for myself and the kids to getting back in touch with my true love, a man that is truly a man, that is respectful, loving, supportive, and my best friend. There are still good people out there, don't waste you life with someone that will just bring you down... I hope that those of you that are trying to get out will find the courage in yourself with God's help to do it.  I hope that you will see that life is worth way more than what you are going through now... YOU WILL BE OK, believe me, once I got away from him all the positive influences in the form of my true friends and blessings came into my life.  YOU DO DESERVE HAPPINESS, don't let anyone take that from you...

I wasted 10 years of my life, 10 years I will never get back being unhappy, but the rest of my life will be full of love and happiness because I have discovered that I am worth way more than being in that horrible life, I am worth way more that taking what he gave me, and I deserve true love, respect, and happiness...AND SO DO YOU!!! YOU DESERVE THE LIFE YOU WANT...

May God watch over you and keep you strong...

It can be done and has to be. - Melanie - Nov 13th 2009

Hello everyone.  I just want to share that I am a 33 year-old mother of two teens and I fully understand what domestic violence is all about having suffered from it at the hands of at 3 three ex.  Being in an abusive relationship is very emotionally draining and can break your spirit if you let it.  The worst part is the damage done to your self-worth and esteem but it can be reversed.  Men who abuse their women have serious issues that can only be stopped by counseling and the willingness to accept what they have become and to change it.  A lot of times that doesnt happen because they dont think that they have a problem.  No matter how long YOU tolerate it, hope that it can change, and strive for it to be different...let me forewarn you that YOU cannot fix it.  Just like an addiction, by staying we enable it which only continues to feed the cycle.  No matter how much you seem to love him....you have to love yourself more and break the dependency.  IT WILL NOT GET BETTER I PROMISE.  It comes to finding the strength within yourself to take charge of your life and make things happen.  You cant continue to suffer at the hands of a man who abuses you and then tops it off with a great big "I love you".  There is nothing wrong with being single at all.  Loneliness is a framed of mind....not a condition.  Go out and meet new people, take up a new hobbie, venture in life with your children and most importantly, take time out for you.  Learn about yourself, do things special for yourself, and just use the time to heal because you are going to need it.  Seek out support groups and the most important advice that I can give is get yourself some counseling.  You cant love someone until you love yourself.  It takes strength, courage, blind faith, and a lot of desire but you can do it.  I just ended a 20 year friendship and intimate relationship with a man who I absolutely adored until he broke my wrist and started to emotionally abuse me.  I wont put up with it and I shouldnt have to.  I have self esteem issues due to the abuse but I know that its just a symptom of the my disease....I feel confident, satisfied and proud of myself that I took charge and did the right thing.  Sure I still love him and sometimes I miss him but its done and Ill never go back.  There is too much life out there to be lived and I want my slice of happiness.  I feel in my heart that the only thing that can really help him is himself and until he accepts that he is an abuser...staying will only keep me in the victim's seat and I chose to be a survivor.  Please, pack your things and get out before you sustain anymore damage.  If you need any advice or help then please feel free to email me and I will support you.  My email is darlinggirl2@hotmail.com and my name is Melanie.  Good luck to all of you and please know that you are not alone.

I'VE BEEN A VICTIM SINCE THE AGE OF FOURTEEN - ALICIA - Nov 10th 2009

I READ THIS ARTICALE AND I FEEL LIKE ITS TELLING MY STORY BECAUSE THATS EXACTLY  HOW I FEEL I'VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS.I AM NOW 23 YRS OLD WITH THREE KIDS AGES (3MTHS,2 YRS. 6 YRS.OLD)AND ITS STILL GOING ON, THEY SAY THEY WILL NEVER DO IT AGIAN AND THEY DO TELL YOU EVER THING YOU WANA HEAR AND DO.BUT THEN THE TIME COMES AGAIN WHEN YOU MAKE THEN MAD AND THEY HIT YOU AND WHEN HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME I FEEL WHY IS HE DOING THIS IM ONLY A GIRL THOSE SAME HANDS THAT CAREST ME LAST NIGHT ARE NOW THE SAME ONES CAUSING THIS TREMONDOUS PAIN I DONT EVEN CRY ANYMORE I FEEL LIKE I'VE BECOME NUM TO THIS ABUSE  I WOULD CALL THE COPS BUT HIS IS VERY SNEAKY HIS LOCKS THE DOORS AND TAKES THE PHONES AND DOESNT LET ME OUT OF THE ROOM AND THE WINDOWS HAVE BARS ON THEM I FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL WHEN HE DOES THIS LIKE HUMILIADID AND SO AMBARASSED WITH MY DAUGHTER AND I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW HOPING A FAMILY WOULD COME TO MY RESCUE AND THING I HATE THE NOST IS WHEN I HAVE TO BE NICE AND PRETEND IM NOT ANGRY AND APOLIGIZE SO HE WOULD LET ME OUT AND THEN HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND ME ME AND SAYS HES SORRY AND I M LIKE ITS OK BUT WHEN REALLY INSIDE I WANA DO THE WORST THING TO HIM.I PRAY T GOD THAT ONE DAY I COULD GET THE STRENGHT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I AM SO WEAK.I WANA APOLIGIZE TO MY DAUGHTER FOR BIENG SO WEAK

daughter concerned about her mom being abused - - Nov 6th 2009

My mom has been abused since a long period of time. My dad has a lot of anger problems and he doesnt kno how to handle them. He thinks that wat his doing is okay when it's really not. I as a daughter can't stand my dad hitting my mom the way he does. I feel really bad beacuse i start thinking why did it got to be my parents? why does all this happen to my life. I have my mom's family support in this case but i kinda feel acward whenever i tell other people because its kind bad to tell thm that my own dad hit my mom. Whenever i see my dad beating up my mom i just feel my heart pumping really fast, like if its gonna come out. I feel soooo bad that im so angry with my dad that he gives us his family that kind of life. i have one brother and one sister. There both small so im the oldest. I have seen more things in life that i shoudn't be seeing right now. I dont know what to do. Im really scared! I know that i should call the cops when all that caous happens but i just can't. WHY? Well beacuse its my own parents. I can't see myself putting my dad in jail. Even though he says im not his daughter and him telling me about the worst i can't send his jail. Its just not me. Its really hard for me to concentrate in school. Every argument that passes with my mom and dad i feel that its just getting worst. He hits us like if we were guys. I seriously think that every argument they get and my dad hits her i feel like if his hitting her harder and one of these days his going to leave her dead. By the way he hits her, I just can't stand my own dad hitting my mom. Yes i might stop the fights but i still cant believe what kind of da i have. And i hope that if you're a daughter like me and has these problems i suggest you talk to someone you can trust. Beacuse i can't stand on keepin all this to myself and not doing nothing to helpo my family to get better.

courage to leave him - Jon - Nov 6th 2009

I have been in an abusive relationship for 7 years now and I am finally seeing it for what it really was, and I am finally having the courage to leave him.  The abuse started out as what he called "joking" and when I complained about it I was told that I was too "onion skinned" and couldn't take a joke, and I believed him.  I was blamed for everything that was wrong in the house and the relationship, again I beleived him.  Through his abuse he pushed me to attempt suicide twice, and that didn't tell me anything.  Even him making me feel like I wanted to die didn't tell me anything either.  Of course he was sorry and apologetic afterwards.  Then the little physical abuse started, first it was pinching my stomach and telling me that I was fat.  Then it progressed to him flicking the end of my penis with his fingernail.  I thought he doesn't know how much that hurts, but come to find out he sure did know.  Then it progressed to forced oral sex.  Still I did not leave.  I figured that it was all my fault and that some how I deserved it.  I understand now how it is hard to leave an abusive relationship, it goes in cycles and you think it is better, and will continue to get better and that he didn't mean to do that.  It has taken me a year of being out of the house half of the week to realize what was going on.  It has come down to him filing for "divorce" to end the domestic partnership and not talking to me, and me being OK with it to know that I am doing the right thing by leaving the relationship, and that I did not deserve what was being done to me all these years.  Every other time he said that it was over I begged him to take me back, but not this time, I have finally had enough.

Epiphany - Pain for Enlightenment - Nov 3rd 2009

I had two ephipanies in my life, both made me close to death (car accident and domestic violence). I am educated, can financially provide for myself and well integrated into mine and many other societies. I was my husband's biggest fan. When failed I loved and supported him. When he succeeded I did the same and more. Although each side has its own story, one must remember: SEE!!! We often don't; clouded by emotion, other's opinions, personal needs for gradification, etc...Please SEE!!!. FYI, the abusive relationship you survive today, can prevent another for tomorrow. Also, you and the abuser can have bad charma together, but apart lead quite successful lives. Do not stay due to doubt or jealousy; go for freedom and self discovery. I speak from experience. My husband (currently separated and in divorce proceedings) and I lived together for over one year and the first time he punched and choked me showing violence only six weeks after we said "I do." The argument was over rather to meet and drive together to view a condo versus meeting separately to view a condo. He punched and choked me (he boxes professionally and weighs 40-50 pounds more than me. I was also walking away from him when he threw the first punch and I never verbally or physically assaulted him). Listen to the professionals, family, etc. I had family warn me throughout his prince-charming phase and I missed it. Remember, the abuser didn't become independent overnight or by their mere presence on earth. I have a three year old and anyone can be independent.

Abuse in all forms - - Oct 31st 2009

It is becoming clear that after 2 years in my current relationship that after reading all of the posts in here that I am in another abusive relationship. My abuser is tricky, he does not hit me or threaten to hurt me. He does act like he is joking around and tells me that he would like to choke me or knock me around. He always reminds me that he is bigger than me, He picks on me until he has me in tears then he tells me that I am crazy and he doesn't know how to deal with someone as crazy as me. He tells me that everything wrong in our relationship is all my fault. He is extremely bossy and he is always right, he can be extremely rude. He complains that his coworkers hate him. He says that when he sits down at the luch table everyone gets up and leaves. He says that he can not understand this because he is such a nice guy. Thank you to everyone who posted my eyes are open now.

In Response to: Someone please help - - Oct 12th 2009 - - Oct 28th 2009

You just explained my situation verbatim. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We were friends long before we started dating and he was a great friend and fun to be with. The relationship started out good, he was really sweet and we were still graduating from the friendship level into a relationship. He is going through a lot in his life (not that it's any excuse to treat me the way he does) but he has children, is going through a divorce, and is working minimum wage jobs. He barely makes enough to pay child support, let alone support himself. I supported him financially this whole year. However, as the year went on the relationship deteriorated. After only 4 months of being together he started screaming at me, calling me names, and raising his fist to me. He would scream so loud it was deafening. Even his own family asked me why I was with someone like him. I am in college and I just lost 60 pounds. The sad part is, I think I am the ugliest, fattest girl in the world. I am a size 12 now and everyone tells me I am very attractive but I cannot see it. He always tells me how fat, ugly, and unintelligent I am-- I believe it. I have no self-esteem at all. He choked me once, but it was short and did not cause me to lose my breath. I let that slide when I shouldn't have. Later, he heard me call one of my girlfriends "babe" on the phone, grabbed it, threw it, and punched me in my head accusing me of cheating on him. Then he took the wheel of my car and swerved it off the road into a ditch. I wasn't hurt, but he apologizes every time and I always reluctantly accepted it. Yesterday, he wanted to spend the night with me and I told him he couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. He started screaming, calling me names as usual. He always said I was a wimp and that I always went crawling back to my family. I said one thing that I guess pushed his buttons, and he stomped his foot so hard on my coffee table that the glass on top shattered into a million pieces. He swung at me but I ducked. He started throwing things and broke a lot of my possessions i've worked hard for. I took him home. I was afraid for my life in the car ride. He told me if I didn't return all of his things to him within an hour that he would kill me and my family. I took all of his posessions from my home and my family's homes to his friends house so that I would not have to see him.

I have not answered a phone call from since 7 last night. He continues to leave me voice mails and texts me telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I feel like I am finally away from him but I have been miserable all day because I want to answer his calls. I still feel like I love him. Why do I "love" and care for someone who treats me like this? I feel guilty for ever thinking of allowing him back into my life because I am putting my family in danger. What should I do? 

I think we all need to reach deep within our hearts and recognize the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, caring women that we truly are. We all need to stand up and fight against domestic violence. I will survive this. I wish all of you women the best, and I hope that you all will gain the strength to leave these bastards behind. 

Concern Mom - - Oct 27th 2009

How do I help my daughter who I know is in an abusive relationship.  We live quite some distance from each other.  She only been married two months and have gone through so much.  I know all the signs of domestice violence.   How do I help her?

10 years later - eisha - Oct 26th 2009

I have been in and out of an abusive relationship for over 10 years. My question is...is it my fault for yelling at him that I caused him to throw a beer at me that missed me but damaged our bedroom wall? I took his car keys and he took them from me by hitting and pulling my hair. Then punched my car window. I guess I'm wondering am I responsible for provoking him? Everytime I leave I always end up back with him because I never can make it through the grieving period. I am hurt-he's hurt then we get back together and the cycle re-starts. Please someone help me.

Hopefully getting a divorce 20 years old and LOST?? - - Oct 26th 2009

I got married like a stupid teenager at 16 because I wanted to start a family and know I have a constant relationship not a highschool relationship... needless to say we were only seeing each other for about 4 months and got married... about 4 months into the marriage he slapped me and I told him he better not do it again but I was okay with it at that time because I thought I deserved it... I dont even remember why he did it... Now heres only a few thigs hes done to me in the past four years I am 20 now and have a 2 almost 3 year old son he has::: Kicked me and left many scars and bruises because of it, choked me to where i have had bruises on my neck, blacked my eye, busted my nose and lips, held my mouth with his hand so hard it would peel the inner skin on lips lips or make them bleed because I was screaming for help, hit my head very hard numerous times, hit my head against hard objects many times, pushed me so hard that once the wall in our trailer cracked, left many many bruises on my arms of handprints because of the force of his hands, pinched me if we were in public to where I would bleed, let my son watch and tells him its okay because mommy deserved it, if I threaten to leave he threatens me with a "bullet in between my eyes", on occasion I have said I'll call my Daddy (whom is a very strong man) and let him handle someone his own size ( he is 200 pounds more then me) and he said if I did he would be a dead man before he caould even step foot out of his truck... Thats only a few of the things I can think of off the top of my head and for four years now I have put up with it and I am now hopeing that we will both keep to our for now "consintual" divorce we will be getting or filing for in Feburary but theres still one more thing is says if we get a divorce were not getting one unless I give him Full custody I dont want to but I feel its the only way out... according to him hes not going to keep me from seeing my son or hold him against me in any way but my son isnt going to live with a crackhead if I decide to get remarried or a boyfriend so what should i do guys??I really hope he will stick with the divorce but he just dosent want to consider joint custody or anything and I really really dont want to keep his son away from him or get a TPO...A little help please?? 

Am I being "abused" or am I over acting? - shar - Oct 17th 2009

4yrs of good and bad times.... I can go on and on but I will leave it simple.  Always handing out money or paying, never getting a thank you... he says its becuase i expect it he does not say it, or because i dont give him enough time to say it. Pushes me at times, choked me, fracture my finger...( he said it happened because i put my hands up ..to block him)  throws things at me or toward me, puts me down... example... i will never find anyone with my depression, i dress old, im no fun, im a bad mom..my son doesnt even love me, i dont know how to love.... he has wripped my shirt... and bangged on me several times, threw a toaster oven toward my way...Those are just a few examples, NO IM NOT GETTING BEAT OR HE DOES NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BUT in my car if im hot he will turn on the heat because he is cold.  Its my car!   I know i sound COMPLETELY CRAZY... HE BLAMES HIS ANGER PROBLEM ON ME... I'M THE ONLY GIRL THAT HAS EVER MADE HIM ANGRY.... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING...WE LIVE TOGETHER AND HE WAS ESCORTED OUT BY THE POLICE DUE TO MY SISTER CALLING BECAUSE HE HAD GRABBED ME AND HURT ME... NOT  alot he didnt beat me but physically hurt me... well i am done with him but he has no where eles to live had a hard life growing up and i let him back just till he gets on his feet. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY?  I DONT LOVE HIM I AM ANGRY THAT I ALLOWED THIS NOW HE IS BACK ...IM NOT SCARED OF HIM..I AM EXHAUSTED JUST SO TIRED.. PLS HELP WITH WORDS OF ADVICE!

I WANT OUT, I WANT TO HEAL, I WANT TO LIVE - MRS FREDERICK GREENE (RAQUEL BURTON GREENE) - Oct 16th 2009

Hello Ladies,

I sat here and read your stories, I feel the pain coming from the words you ladies write. My heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you. I am in a situation where I met Frederick Greene in Bessemer Alabama. We dated for 5 years and last year, we decided to get married. Throughout the relationship, I stayed with this man, I helped him with his bills and he never paid mine. I took care of him while he was sick and he will let me die in a gutter if he can do it. He cheated on me with crack head women from the Foundry Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation in Bessemer, with the crack head women that lives there. He slept with a crack whore named Yolanda Lanier that lived there while she "recover" from crack cocaine addiction. I purchased a bedroom set for him and while we were married, he put me and my kids out of the  house and let yet another crack head by the name of Lisa Nadine Bowers sleep with him in our marital bed. His mother died a month ago, he never have any money and could not afford to go to bury his own mother, so I took time off from my job, drove him to Cleveland Ohio so he can be with his family to bury his mother. Since day one I had this man back. I gave him money for his mortgage, car note, light, gas, water, dog food and took money from my household to make sure he was taken cared of.

I do no drugs, alcohol, I do not run the streets, I go to work, take care of my kids and go to church. I thought I would be a good wife for a man. I thought I was the perfect wife for him. But I see that I am not good enough and will never be good enough for him. He still treat me like dirt. He still disrespect me, calls me a whore and he out there sleeping with them. He calls me everything but the child of god and then turns around and want me to bail him out of another bad situation that he got himself into.

I put up with this shit for 6 years and it is 6 years too long. I finally realized that he will never change and will never love me. The time I wasted with this man I could be in a healthier relationship with a real man that can show me love, tenderness, affection. A real man that can be a provider for me and my girls and not try to get what he can from us. But ladies this is where I am having a problem. He abuses me physically and emotionally, I am stressed out all the time, my skin will not stop breaking out, I am losing weight and hair and he tells me how ugly I am and that I look more like a "man". Today he told me I was not his "wife". I mean nothing to him.  I realized he only married me because I am his walking ATM MACHINE and the crack whores on the street obvious can not take care of him.

As I sit here typing this, my bags are packed and in my car.  I found a house and will be paying my own mortgage, car note, taking care of myself and getting on with my life. My heart is broken. I realized that he will never change and he will continue to hurt me and break my spirit if I continue to stay. I am tired of living like this and my children are tired of seeing me like this. I pray to god everyday to take care of me. To give me strength to deal with this. God did not put us here to be mistreated. God loves me, I know my husband don't but God loves me. He showed me signs 6 years ago and I chose to turn a blind eye to everything that is going on. I know he is still seeing Lisa Bowers, she just got released from Montgomery Based Community Institution. She is a crack head and violated her probation. This woman even slept with male relatives in MY FAMILY and my family bought this info to my attention. And he still chose her over me. My heart aches every day, but the pain is getting better. With Gods help I can over come all this and move on and heal. I am going to live. I WILL LIVE. HE CAN NOT TAKE MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME. TODAY I WILL LEAVE MY ABUSIVE HUSBAND. LADIES, BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS, IT WILL GET BETTER. KEEP PRAYING, KEEP YOUR FAITH, DO NOT GIVE UP. THAT IS WHAT THESE MEN WANT YOU TO DO. THEY WANT YOU TO LAY DOWN AND DIE FOR THEM. I WASTED SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR A MAN THAT NEVER TOOK CARE OF HIS FIRST WIFE OF 15 YEARS AND NEVER TOOK THE TIIME TO RAISE HIS SON AND HIS DAUGHTER, MICHELLE AND FREDERICK JR.

Ladies good luck and may god bless each and every one of you. I have a meeting with a attorney monday and I am going back to school to earn a degree. There was a man that wanted me, he have a good paying job, goes to church every sunday, work for alabama power company and make over 80,000 a year. I let him slip through my fingers because I was so head over heals in love with a dumb ass fool. George Poplar is a REAL MAN. He wanted to take care of me and my two children. He is a perfect role model for any child. He gave me money, helped me with my bills, was there for me when I was sick and when I needed someone to talk to or just a good comfort hug he was there. I LET A GOOD MAN GO. Now he moved on with someone else. He got tired of waiting for me, waiting to choose. He is gone. But one day God will send me another angel and he will send a real man to love you ladies too.

I am putting the keys to his house on the nightstand and I am putting an end to this six year nightmare. It is hard, and I know it will be rough. but I need to heal. I want my life back, I want ME back, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.

 

 

 

is it really love? - lost me - Oct 15th 2009

This is what im goin through for 4yrs Im so done! Im 4 month pregnant but I feel like I gotta get away from him now I cant take it no more as much as I love him I will leave him. I tried to work it out with him but it just wont and it will never! What really always kept me was that I wanna feel loved but to be honest he dont love me and if it is sure a different typ of love then mine.

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