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If You Are An Abuser...

Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Mar 16th 2016

Dealing with Current Abuse

angry manKnowing that abuse is taking place is an important first step in dealing with abuse, because it focuses attention on the problem. It is not enough to simply know that abuse is taking place, however. It is important to act to stop further abuse from occurring. It is also important to help support abuse victims' recovery from abuse, so as to aid their transition to an abuse-free life, and to minimize the impact of the abuse they have sustained on their lives. In this following section, we describe some of the steps people can take to help stop abuse, and to support abuse survivors.

If You Are an Abuser

Abusers either don't realize that what they are doing is wrong, cannot stop themselves (because of impulse control, substance abuse problems, or brain damage), or simply don't care about the damage they do. If you are an abuser and you simply don't care, there isn't much we can say to you to get you to stop. However, if you do care, and want help stopping the cycle of abuse, there are a few things you can do:

  • Get clear on what abuse is and isn't (read the definition of abuse given above).
  • Stop rationalizing that abusive treatment of others is acceptable. Abuse is NEVER healthy or acceptable regardless of the messages you may have been taught or witnessed in the past.
  • Get sober through the help of rehabilitation programs, twelve step programs, counseling or similar resources.
  • Get professional help immediately to deal with your anger issues, substance abuse issues, poor parenting skills or poor boundaries and personal relationship strategies. Seek out the professional assistance of a psychologist or other mental health professional.

You can learn to have healthy, happier and non-abusive relationships, but you must first seek out and stick with professional help, and you must get sober before you have a realistic chance of changing.


Reader Comments
Discuss this issue below or in our forums.

why is any type of cussing at spouse considered abuse - wayne - Oct 4th 2014

I believe that my reaction of cussing at my wife are brought about my extreme emotional abuse on her part. She tears me down until I can't take it anymore and they call her choice names. Perhaps the worst thing I've said is that, and I don't include this as acceptable, I'd like to see her pummeled. I hate to even admit that. But she is forever making feel that all my decisions are wrong, that her facebook friends are more important than me, and that it is OK for her to flirt.

abusive husband and father - Jason Wells - May 21st 2014

i abused and controlled my wife in every way i could for 14 years - she is now safe and has sole custody of our 4 kids - i hate myself for what i put her and the kids through and am greatful they are safe today - i live with the guilt and shame and pray it never happens again -

hate myself - i am an abuser - Apr 22nd 2014


i need help - mike - Aug 10th 2013

I have not been the husband that i know i am. my wife and i have been married for 13 years. we have 5 kids together. i am willing to do what ever i need to do to keep my wife and kids in my life. i dont know where to turn and i dont know who to talk to.

I am an emotional and physical abuser - keiran - Jun 25th 2013

I am an abuser. I think I may of lost my partner of 5 years. I made his life hell and mine hell too. Im meeting with him on friday so we can talk. I would love him to take me back im getting physc help and I vow to treat him like my best friend again. Sorry is not even enough to apologise for what I have done but im willing to stand up for my mistakes try to move forward and treat him like the man he should of been treated all those years ago. 

Problem solving takes skill and knowledge.. - Melissa - Apr 17th 2012

I am a survivor of emotional and physical abuse.  One thing I learned is that abusive people tend to lack the ability to problem solve, and don't have very good communication skills.  This is why some people are called losers and others are not, because non-abusers have taken the time and initiative to educate themselves.  They have taken action and through that course, their communication skills became enhanced.  I'm not saying that everyone that is educated is not an abuser, but I am saying that it appears that the more educated or less likely to be an abuser.  It is hard to walk away from abuse because for one, the abuse disempowers you, making it harder to leave and take action.  It's inflicting damage on your spirit and soul, so of course it's hard to get out of it.  It's kind of like being a runner in a marathon and all of a sudden having someone shoot your leg.  Well of course finishing that marathon is going to be much, much harder because you are wounded.  More often than not, the abused will fall victim to the attacker because of the damage.  My advice to all women that have survived domestic abuse by their much stronger male counterparts is to find someone that will talk you UP.  Avoid those that talk you down and take things really slow.  I've been single for three years now and am still trying to put the pieces back together again, but one day at a time and with God, I am seeing that it is possible to do so.  Sometimes people have to go through some hard knocks in life to learn, and abuse teaches us about what is good and what is clearly bad.  Peace and God Bless.

I'm a 22yr old woman who emotional abused my boyfriend - Sara - Apr 1st 2012

As of last night, he couldn't take it anymore and decided even though he loves me and wants to be with me it's best for us to not be together. This morning I was reading articles on emotional abuse because yesterday I was horrible to him. What I discovered was its not just in that fight yesterday, its everyday. I was sick to my stomach, horrified that I had been doing this to him and others I love. He and I have been together for almost 4 years, he is my best friend, soul mate and true love. Unfortunately he may not be willing to work through this change and struggle with me. I\'m scheduling an appointment with a local therapist to break the cycle. One of the things I read said people who are this way, when they realize it tend to get mad at themselves for messing up and there begins a new cycle. I refuse to continue. I am an emotional abuser, it does not define me and it's not who I want to be. With the help of a professional I'm getting the help I need to stop abuse forever. Where ever you are in your journey, dont wait to get help before its too late no matter how much $ it is, that's why I didnt go sooner. The cost of potentially losing my true love for life is not even comparable to the pocket change for therapy. Best wishes to you all people can change their behavior of they are committed. Much love Sara

abusive behavior cost me my wife... - marinos - Feb 3rd 2012

this is the last i ve heard of my wife after she left me and went back to America (we were leaving in Greece)... these are the last things she said to my stepfather after he contacted her trying to help in the break up situation:

Happy New Year to you folks as well. I apologize for "de-friending" you especially, as well as the rest of his family, but it's the only way I can put almost 2 year's worth of tragic memories behind me.

Look, I am sorry that I left so suddenly, without warning. That was incredibly difficult, but I am so glad that I did. I was a 23 year old in a completely dependant situation, in a foreign country, with a person who couldn't like me, let alone love me. I will always appreciate what you all have done for me, but being in such an unhappy, abusive relationship was something I did not sign up for, nor deserve. All it took for me to leave once and for all was a tantrum, insults to me and about my family, and a book being thrown at my head- instead of the usual fist. I warned him of the consequences of his actions many many many times. I dedicated my whole being for almost 2 years as a mother, psychologist, friend, confidant, housekeeper, and a punching bag. I found myself to be unrecognizable, ashamed, humiliated, and severely depressed. I was only recognized as the "bad guy" and polluting HIS environment. family, etc. I just couldn't live like that. I have never EVER been treated so poorly, with such hate and disrespect. I was given one piece of good advice in order to survive all that craziness...that was to "know that you are a good person. You will never be able to prove that no matter how hard you try..only you will know what you are- a good person."

As it turns out, I DO know that I am a good person, with many great qualities, and only good intentions. I know that I never deserved to be in an abusive relationship. I went to him to start my life, not to end it. I hope you can understand why I felt this decision was the best, even though it was so difficult. I tried and tried- every day of my life. We just were not compatible. We were not able to find common goals, we were not able to work together, and we were not meant to be together. None of that would have EVER happened if we were meant to be.. Admitting that was the hardest part. As difficult as it was to leave and QUIT, it was the most healthy, mature, and responsible decision. I will always be sorry for all the trouble I caused, and for being SO misunderstood. Again, I only had good intentions..

I love you, and I will always love you.. I tried.... 


so the truth is that all of the above were true, my very much in love wife, despised me and left me for my behavior and all the abuse i gave her... I so much regret all the things i ve done and said, but i can t even ask for forgiveness, not even for my self... i want to get help and solve my anger issues... nobody i love deserves to go through that... admitting i am an abuser is still so difficult and the mind tries to justify and excuse the behavior...  for now i just hope i can cure my self with the help of my therapist and self control... i will always regret losing anna but i know i deserved it and it was a necessity in order for me to take action... for God shake why could not understand how much my actions hurt the people i love and my self... i can only accept what is happening but this is a very tedious process that goes through a lot of heartbreak and hurt... 

My abusive ways led me to divorce - Divorced Abuser - Nov 17th 2011

I was with my husband for 1 year before we married. Now it's 12 years later and he filed for divorce in the spring. This man was the best thing to sliced bread. Funny, sexy, smart, we shared the same interests, he was an amazing lover and my best friend. What did I do? I nagged him, cheated on him with and tore him down every step of the way. That was his prize for loving me.

My mom left me after my parents divorce and my dad verbally abused off and on my entire life. The weird thing is I don't hate him for it. He was only doing what he learned from his childhood. How did I hate what my dad did to me so much and then go do it to the man that would have risked his life for me? How did I curse him? How did I humiliate him publicly? How did I see those tears falling from eyes and wait for him to apologize? What damn nerve I had!

But wasn't I the same one who would get so verbally abused by my dad and end up hyperventilating for hours? Wasn't I the one that wanted to walk into traffic and pray the biggest truck would kill me instantly? Yes, that was me. The one who never felt good about herself. The one who never believed that I could get a man to treat me opposite of my dad.

Yet, I destroyed every ounce of respect my hushand had for himself. So many women say men are dogs. But I was the dog. I was the one who took a good man's heart and stomped it out. He asked me to get help and I'd smirk at him. Nothing was wrong with me! He was just too sensitive. Well............... now I am alone. No kids. No husband. And he won't even pick up my call. He won't see me. He's moved on. It's almost like he never loved me.

Abusers, please, please read my story and learn from me. Everyone has a breaking point. Please don't end up like me. Now, I am a different woman. In this past year of being without him, I'm so much more calm, slow to anger and quick to let things go. Why the hell did I have to lose my marriage to become better? I lost my true love and it's all my fault. I've learned to stop hating myself but sometimes it's hard to live with the fact that I got us here.

Whoever is reading this, I wish you all the best, whether you be the abuser or the abused. People can change. 

I am an abuser! - ryan eller - Nov 13th 2011

i am 27 years old i am a male i have full custody of my 10 year old doughter and HAD my fiancee and 4 month old living with me untill last week ..... i came home to find the house empty and she had left me this has been the hardest week ever on me ... I DO NOT WANT PITTY I DESERVED IT! ... i say this becouse ive been researching mental abuse and it saddens me to say our entire 3 year realationship ive been controlling mean and called her names (my fiancee that is) i never hit her althought i thretened to ... i now realize her leaving me was not only good for her it was good for me and my 10 year old becouse now i can work on not being that person i seriously want to stop the pain inside me is not from her leaving its from me realizing what ive done to her over the years i want to stop so bad i want to be a good person for her and my children (3 children 10,9 and four months the 10 and 9 are same but different mother then the 4 month old) also thinking on this ive mentaly abused every one ive ever dated i hate myself for this i need help

im an abuser - vin - Dec 18th 2010

im an abuser, im twenty four have a two year old daughter n have been with my girl friend whos twenty three for six years now. as i lay here in bed lookin at my daughter n gf sleep i cant help but to think of all the pain ive put her through. now i havent abused my daughter but i channel all my anger towards my gf. last night we got into an argument about where to eat, i wanted chicken she wanted mcdonalds.  she ends up getting frustrated cuz it keeps going back n forth till she says u know what get what the f u want. so i immediately take it as a form of disrespect because from my up bringing. i was raised by mostly women, n my dad lets just say my dad was unique. he had a no give a damn attitude, prison mentality, my mom was ano holds barred out spoken abusive women, she was more verbally, physically abusive, shed hit me n my sis cuss us out the whole nine yards, my dad on the other hand was, semi protective of us. now ive seen my bad knock my mom out on occasions while young, when shed go through her rages. allways been traumatized by that. now in a wierd way im my own person but follow my moms footsteps if thats not weid enough. so last night while we were arguing im quiet sitting in my rocking chair she jus cant shut up wanting to put her two cents in. n i being a no nonsense type of person start lashing out at her verbally n she like a sad puppy dog n me a pit bull she giving little chirpss but not wanting to bite but the pitbull waiting for the time to just go in for the kill n bite her neck off saying all kinds of nasty stuff to her verbally abusing her emotionally mentally but thankfully not physically. i said if they made a law for us men to beat you dumb ass women up right now for one night id f ing kill you women. in my head thinking to my self i dont wanna hurt u cuz ur my babys mama n i used to beat you before but right now i would beat u till ur brain dead n cant talk no more. then all the while my daughters seein this n it eases me a bit. but

Please help- Becoming an Abuser - MeMe - Nov 19th 2010

Hi i'm 20 i have a 1yr old... when i was 12 i was raped by my father.... lately i been having dreams of men abducting my lil girl and raping her in which i wasnt there to protect her like nobody was there to protect me although my grandmother was in the same home(she was in the other room) and knew that was his plan to rape me.... anyway... my child father isnt in her life and im here with her all day everyday.. no break(but what can i expect im her mom and i had her) but i often get fustrated with her from her not listening to me and crying non stop so i hit her.. i dont want to keep hitting her! i'm her mother and protecter im all she has! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Who can Help - JT - Sep 11th 2010

I am in my 40's and Married over 20 years.  I know I need help but don't know where to go.  I do love my wife and can't stand what I put her through. We had a rocky first 10 with spats and physical abuse here and there.  We worked together to fix a number of issues and until the last year, things were well.  Now we are back to square one.  Every other day and it keeps getting worse.  I need to find myself help now before I go crazy.  I almost called the cops on myself.  I know I just need help now.

I hit him over and over - JW09 - Sep 9th 2010

I had been in a relationship for only 8 months.  He is going through a custody/contact issue with his ex.  I took on looking after his daughter and blurred the lines.  I got very attached to her and started to think of her as my own.  She was only seeing her mother once a month.  There was alot of pressure on everyone.  All the fighting and conversations were regarding his ex, child and the court case.  I hit him the first time when he came back from the first court hearing.  I felt that he had made the wrong decision for his daughter.  What I didn't get at the time was that it was "his decision, not mine".  I did it again and again.  He did hit me back after I made an unforgiveable comment which can never be taken back.  I love him dearly and miss him.  He left which he had to.  I know he made the right decision but I want him back in my life.  I feel so ashamed by what I did and I can not blame his ex and everything that has happened regarding her or the court case, only myself.  I have promised that it will never happen again, but does that mean anything.  I am getting help.  I feel alot of guilt, shame, embrassement.  I have had two past relationships where I was abused.  I do not use this as an excuse though.  I'm truely sorry for what I did.  Does anyone really change, is change possible for me?   I don't want to be that person and I hate myself for what I became, but I don't believe it is what I am.

I need help - I hate myself - Sep 7th 2010

Last Friday my husband and I were drunk and we started to fight, he punched out the window and cut his hand. As I was trying to stop the bleeding he told me to get my stuff and "get out of his house". I got so mad that this house was now "his house" that I yelled at him and couldn't get a word in edge wise, so, I slapped him. He then started acting like I couldnt hurt him, I was so mad at him that I went to bed. But within seconds of going to bed I heard him ranting to his friend. Saying things like F-her, that stupid f-ing bi%#@ needs to get her stuff and get out... and so on. I could barely get my clothes on fast enough to get out and tell him what I thought, but when I got out there it was like I wasnt even in my body anymore, I jumped on him and punched him 2 times. I am so sick about what I have done that I cant stand it. I have never done anything like this before. I am 25, my husband 29 and its our first year of marriage. Someone please help me, help our marriage...

I am an abuser and i need help - Patricia - Aug 19th 2010

I am 24 years and i dont get angry often but sometimes when i do i hit my boyfriend . it has happened twice in nine months and i am afraid i lost him forever now. i want help and i want to show him i can control my anger i need to learn how to control my anger.

repeat the cycle - kristie - Aug 3rd 2010

i never thought i would be the one to repeat the cycle.i thought i'd forgiven others and myself for the things in my past.the abuse i suffered as a child-to adult abusive relationships.and here i am-the abuser in my relationship today.i am married to a wonderful man who provides a beautiful home,doesn't ask me to work-or even clean the house,he only asks that i love him...and i-with my anger and hate at myself,take out every injustice done to me-on him.i blame him,accuse him of cheating-better yet-i totally convince myself hes cheating and lying.i've said some awful thing about his children and family...pretty much try to tear down his confidence about anything.this is not easy for me to admit-most of the people that know me think im funny and smart and cool;and then the door closes.sure-i can make excuses,but that is not going to help me...and honest admission is the first,here i am...i abuse my husband and i dont know how to stop.if i could've just "made a choice"to stop i wouldnt be here now.i dont want to lose what i have today-and im fearful if i dont get help-i will push away the man that loves me.its only through what i've read here that prompted me to write..thank you for the hard truths that give me insight and hope.

Cry for help - Mini_nimi - Jul 7th 2010

Hi i am 20 years old and ive been through a lot in my life, my both parents were abusers to me, and now i am in a 3 yrs relationship, and i am scared to be the abuser... me and my boyfriend have been longdistance for 5 months and we keep figthing about his family not liking me.. I am constantly pushing him to stand up for himself and now i am scared i am pushing it to far. I dont want to abuse him verbaly, but i am not sure if i am..

hate my life - - May 13th 2010

i am 20 and live with my mother and two moster brothers. they beat me up becase i had a boyfriend. they almost killed me. they tell me they will kill me. i am scared to come home and i have not other place to go or have the money. i hate my life and i want to killd my self becaseu i dont want to be killed. i am so lost and have no to way to get out becase they are always watching me and. i hate my life.

suciidal - AShley - Mar 14th 2010

Im going to kill myself because my abisive f*ck of a boyfriend wont stop. He says he will. He has strangled me twice and every day he calls me names he yells at me. I wish I was dead. I have no way out no one will help me with money and I want to die. I am goign to do it tonight because i cant take it any more.

Love Hurts - avaama - Mar 14th 2010

Im 18 and i been dating my boyfriend for 15months. hes 21 and hes asian im spanish. we started dating since i was 16. we come from similar backgrounds, older siblings, parents seperated and mothers with health issues. we met at work and at first treated eachother like friends. from the beginning we had problems wit his family bc i wasnt asian. we didnt care. we likes eachother. we were all lovey dovey since the begining we still are but its not the same. we have had alot of arguements. he has had to give up alot just to be wit me. his parents have turned ther back on him and kicked him out of the house just bc hes wit me. he stayed wit me for 3 months at my mothers house. thats wen the problems started. he wanted me to spend every minute of everyday wit him. he has trust issues but i have never cheated on him n he has never cheated on me. but then our arguements started getting worse to the point that i would pinch him really hard and leave him bruises. i scrach him and dig my nails into his skin. is this abuse? he left my house bc of his mothers health but we still cant live witout eachother  i hurt him phisically but he hurts me emotionally. its not healthy i cry alot more now. everynight about. i love him so much.... i cant live witout him but he wants to be friends until i get over this abusive issue. the thing is i dont know how to. i wish i could stop bc i really cant live witout him. wat should i do??? am i to young to get counsling???

Please help me. I'm young dumb and in love - Cmar - Jan 22nd 2010

Well I'm 18. And after over a year I have realized I'm in an abusive relationship. Both as an abuser and and abused. I meant my girl friend when I was 15 and she was 12. I never took her serious because of her age but she had alot of affection for me. She would call over and over again without having anything to say. After about two years and a few relationships I finally gave her a chance. Right off the back everything was great. But I was never really faithful because I wasn't ever really ready to be in an a relationship but yet she stuck with me. Soon we spend all day everyday together which still was great. But then when my family stepped in I decided to move out to be able to do what I wanted. Then I was really with my girlfriend all day long. Till about 12 every night. Soon she was ditching her friends to spend the day with me. She would want for both of us to go hang out with her friends but I never wanted to I just wanted her to be with me. I had to have attention. Then one time she started playing soccer at school and when she had practice I would try to get other girls to come over. Well when my girlfriend would find out she would come over and argue with me and she broke my cell phone. Then due to her jealousy I felt I should be the same. I wouldn't like her to text guys. I would want to fight any guy that would text her. But all this just seemed normal. Like just because we cared about eachother. So after about 2 or 3 months I ended up moving in with my girlfriend and her parents. Well up until that point every time I would come over my girlfriend would do whatever I wanted. Make me food ect. But it seemed the day I moved in all that stopped. She changed to a lazy person. Well I'm really pretty neat. So I did most of the cleaning. Then after about a month or less me and her family decided it would be ok for me to drop out of high school to start working to help her family. Well I've always hated school but every girl I had been with wouldn't threatin me when I brought up the idea of dropping out except this girlfriend. She thought it was a great idea because I would have money and she wouldn't have to worry about me talkin to girls in school. So I dropped out. Never got a job. So I fell into a type of depression. I had no friends and no family the only time I would even leave the house was to go my job which I had wen I was still in school. Then I started noticing changes in my girlfriend. She would wake up extra early to get fixed up. She never would get dressed up when we were in school together. I assumed she was talking to someone. I even got her cell phone and guessed her password but as soon as I did she flipped out nd grabbed it from me. Then later that same a day a girl I use to talk to told me that my girlfriend was texting her boyfriend. Yet at the same time I was talkin to another girl secretly but I decided after finding out that my girlfriend lied to me about staying the night at a friends and really planning on going to a party nd not even having a place to sleep that I would stop talkin to the girl and put everything behind us. That weekend was valetines day. It was a great weekend. But it was over as soon as Monday came. Bak to school. Now I have absouletly no trust In my girlfriend. I sit home and worry. Knowing the guy she was talking to and her have a class together I would go crazy wen she wouldn't text me that whole hour. I would make her feel bad because I felt bad. Well that's how the whole rest of the school year went I wouldn't want her to go anywhere. I was so insecure I talked to other girls just so that if she was talkin to someone than I wouldn't feel dumb. But I would get caught. And those times were really bad. My girlfriend is a pretty sporty girl not big or anything but she can throw a ball. She would hit me and break my stuff. One tome she even burned me with her hair straightner. I always allowed it because I thought I deserved it. Well the worst time I can remember was when I was walking home from work about 5minutes away she called and called like atleast 10 times I didn't answer because I was almost home then when I got there she said a girl had answered my phone. That's when I decided it was enough I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. That was a really bad idea. I started gettin my stuff nd she watched. Then she got up and started ripping my clothes. I was extremely angry so I pushed her away from my stuff. She starting hitting me. She punched me in my face until I held her down on the bed so that she would stop. Then she ripped my shirt I was wearing so I ripped hers which had cut off sleeves so it tore easily. Then I let her up and she went to the Door to cry so that her parents would hear. So I decided to go apologize and at the same time her dad came in and assumed the worst by seeing the ripped shirt. So he told me to leave. My girl friend cried and pleaded but he had his mind set and he left the room. My girlfriend was crying like crazy so I did what I thought was right by hugging her and saying I would stay if I could and that I loved her. Well I got the oppurtinty to stay because I guess her dad realized I wasn't trying to beat his daughter in the corner. So I stayed. Well that's just a little portion of the things that we went through. I always thought fighting in a relationship makes it stronger so I always wanted to work through anything. Well the week following Christmas my girlfriend heard I was talking to a girl so we broke up. In the 2 weeks following she became involved in drugs. And me really caring about her tried to stop her but nothing worked. Finally I begged for one more chance to change and she took me back. Well now we don't go to school together don't live together don't even live in the same town. Things were going really good I would come to watch her games which was something I didn't do when I lived with her. And I stay the night the days I don't work. I've been studying this abusive stuff and been learning alot. I really do want to change but my girlfriend hasn't. She still the same. And now she wants me to move back. I really want to but it's probably not a good idea. Someone please help me. I want to be with this girl forever.

Why do I do these things - Confused - Nov 27th 2009

When me and my boyfriend started dating he told me all these deep details about this one girl who was his first.Plus other details about bad things he has done earlier in his life. Now I can't stop thinking about him and her and I take it out on him. When I know that this should't matter to me but for some reason it does.

iam a abuser - mt - Oct 12th 2009

i ve read all these comments and i now see iam a abuser and also need help . on friday nite i put my wife through complete hell for no reason i felt like she hasnt been by my side and supported me throught the hard time we ve been havin but what i havent reallized is shes been there the whole time . iam seeking help and hope some reads this before i lose the greatest woman in the world

yep - rolfen - Sep 15th 2009

Some people will use you for sex, company, or whatever. While you are with them, they  will fake love and you will believe them.

When the time comes to part, they want to get rid of you because they dont need you anymore. Yet  you will not admit yourself that you have let yourself been used and fooled, your ego wont let you. So you use the abuse excuse. They abused me so i left them!!!

It is a mess in the head and its very painful. Good luck. But i often question if abuse is really what we think it is.

Reply to Jennifer - Jul 18th 2009 - - Aug 5th 2009
To Jennifer - Jul 18th 2009, I feel for you. I came here to read all of these comments again, as I believe I had before a few weeks ago. I am an abuser too. I found your background startlingly similar to mine, though I am male and a few years older than yourself. My girl friend of seven years recently left me. I had been emotionally abusive to her over the years and she finally left. I feel ashamed of the things I did. I am torn between the desire of the love that she offered me, and pushing her away because I think I would just hurt her again without help. I have had long term troubles at work. I am both a star performer and yet am chronically late in the mornings and I can be verbally abusive to work colleges, like in my personal relationship. Other facets of my background are very similar to your own. I wish I had sought out help when I was your age. You still have a chance. Don't wait, because these things won't get better on their own. I would advise you to seek help from a school councilor, or any other source that you can possibly imagine that is available to you. There are a couple of books by Beverly Engel that I would advise you look up. "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" and "Breaking the Cycle of Abuse" are probably where you want to start. Read the books, but get outside help to motivate and guide you. Be tough with yourself, but not rough on yourself. You need to push yourself to get outside help to change, and you need to realize that only yourself can adjust the behavior that is hurting you and others. You are both the vicim of abuse and an abuser. Don't make others hurt like some have hurt you. At the same time, don't punish yourself and feel bad. Don't waste all the years feeling bad about yourself and punishing others at the same time, as I have. Accept that you need to change and that you are the only person who can help yourself to start that. Portland is a rather progressive place. I think you can definitely find some good help There. You just need to ask. And, like shopping, if you don't find what you are looking for at first, shop around until you find somone who understands you.

Just because you are Female doesn't Justify Abuse - - Jul 27th 2009

I'm a mother, and a very good one at that.  But, I'm not a good girlfriend.  When I was pregnant, I was scared to have a girl because of all the stuff i'd been through.  All my life I was abused sexually, emotionally, physically, mentally, you get the point.  And I had a son.  A beautiful one at that.  When I met his dad I really didn't want a relationship, at 26 I was still "finding myself."  After two months of dating we got pregnant and that's when all hell broke loose.  Everything I had ever buried deep inside myself came to the surface.  The pregnancy had more of a mental effect on me than physical.  I fought with my boyfriend all the time, Especially post-partum.  I suffer from Depression and Post-Traumatic stress from my sexual abuse as a child and unfortunately my boyfriend bears the burden.  I am physically abusive towards him and i justify it because i am a girl and guys should be able to handle things like that, right? Wrong.  No one deserves to be abused and I know better.  I've cause a lot of pain for him and it's to the point that i don't know how to control myself.  I go into a rage.  i've been to counseling and it helps a little but it has not been consistent.  i believe in God and i pray, but I justify the abuse towards him because he's a guy and guys are physical.  Our son will be 1 next month and like I said, I really wanted a boy, but now i have to learn not to be abusive toward his father in order to save our son from learning this destruction and becoming apart of it.  My boyfriend has some self control in not 'fighting back' per se, and I take full advantage of that.  I think that's why i hit him.  I will continue to pray and seek the advice of others, but again, just because you are a girl, does NOT justify abuse towards a male.   

Is it me now? - Jennifer - Jul 18th 2009

I was adopted by my first step dad sometime around the time my real dad went to prison for murder. My adopted dad abused me emotionally, mentally and physically. I was not quite 2 when it started, and it continued steadily until I was 13, with an episode here and there until I was 17. I met my real father for the first time on my 18th birthday in prison. He just got out of prison last month. But that's a whole 'nother story.

I am now 26 and I have issues with relationships, authority figures, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, rejection, abandonment, possible manic depression, anger, self sabotage, chronic tardiness, and a general immaturity when it comes to professionalism. I have problems holding a job. I suffer from HORRIBLE pms and cramps. I am extremely negative, but of course, I think I am simply realistic.

I just completed my 3rd year of college, and have maintained a GPA above 3.5.

I've been in a relationship for about 15 months now. It's been up and down and rocky at times with 2 separate month long breakups. We break up when we can't get along and things escalate to the point that we are both at our wits end.

When we are good we are great. We write cute little text msgs to each other, it gets pretty sappy sometimes. I love it! I love him a lot. I've never met someone so capable of handling me. Not that he's perfect... but he comes from a good family, loving and supportive with a meddlesome grandmother... Typical, right? He has a little brother and sister who he is really good with. I like watching them play, because it makes me think of what kind of father he would be.

He puts me in my place when needed, and I need it! But sometimes I can't handle it, and I shut down. I forget what we were talking about and I block out what he says. My brain quits working, I can't think. I clam up and can't talk right. He gets annoyed and probes me, trying to make sense of the shit coming out of my mouth.

My defenses come up when my mind shuts down.

Sometimes I say mean things like:

You're disgusting-

I hate you-

You're the meanest person I've ever met-

And there's the usual F*ck yous, don't be a dick and shit like that.

It really pisses him off. He says now he is at the point where he realizes better who he is and doesn't have to put up with this crap anymore.

I've never been abusive before to a boyfriend, and I don't know if that's what I'm doing now. My family/relationship issues are clouding the possibility of happiness and I feel helpless. I hear myself saying these things and don't mean to say them outloud. I don't want him to hear those things. When I say them, he takes them literally but I don't mean it that way. I overgeneralize the issue and place blame on everyone and everything around me. It's as if the whole world has to take my pain because I'm full of it and don't know how to fully let it go. So I take it out on the one person who stands by me and loves me.

I expect him to be perfect, I want him to do everything the way I want it. I refuse to listen to him when he doesn't see things my way. I somehow feel like it is supposed to be this way, but I know it's not! Right?

I want to be happy, healthy and sane. I want to be in this relationship. My emotional state is ruining it and I'm very unhappy.

In the last month or so, I broke his radio/stereo when I was drunk. I guess I threw it. I don't really remember. I vaguely remember it being somewhere over me and knocking it over, it wasn't rage, it was frustration. Sometime after that, I threw my phone. I think I made threats of violence... Did I really say I would kill him? Oh my god, I think I did say something like that... I don't know why I do this. I don't want to be like my dad, or my father.

No fucking wonder he is realizing these things now that he is away from me for the summer. He said he sees our relationship in a different light now. 

I'm a scared little girl inside. I think no one will ever love me, and everyone will leave me behind. I lash out when I think I see it coming. He usually finds some way to comfort me and I cry for a long time. I feel like I am healing parts of me that have been buried deep inside for a long time. But at what expense? Am I too needy? Am I codependent? He has accused me of this. I feel like there are natural relationship needs each one meets for the other.

He says he loves me so much. He says he can't take it anymore.Now he's not coming from a compassionate place. I told him that if he didn't open his heart we won't make it. I don't know if he wants to anymore.

I don't know what is normal, what is okay, or what is abuse! I want so badly to be able to be happy. I'm even thinking about getting on medication, but I'm scared to lose my mind. It's screwed up enough! I need to learn how to love. He says I need to love myself, that if I did, I wouldn't be the way I am. 

I'm tired of hating everyone. I'm tired of thinking I'm not to blame for any of the shit in my life. I've got to see things clearly somehow! If it's been happening the same with different people, doesn't that show that I'm the common thread, so I have to make the difference? Am I the one making others miserable now?

Any help would be appreciated. I'm in the Portland Oregon area if you know of any services.

Any Advice? - Sharon - Jun 30th 2009

I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now.  I love him so much and want to be with him and have a healthy relationship that lasts.  We have had ups and downs but we stick through hard times and really love each other.  I have a problem though.  When I drink, I am mean to him.  Almost two years ago, he tried to cheat on me and I caught him.  I ended up forgiving him and we saw a counselor for a little while.  Ever since then, we have terrible fights when I drink.  I tell him that I hate him sometimes and sometimes I say I want to break up.  The next day, I always regret it and feel bad.  Well, a little over a month ago, he told me that if I ever drank again he would break up with me.  I quit completely, and was doing well until now.  My sister and I had plans to go away for a night just because.  I asked my boyfriend if he minded if I drank since I wouldn't be around him, and he said ok and told me to have fun.  I ended up getting drunk because I felt like I never get to drink and I wanted to take advantage.  I text my boyfriend the most terrible things that I have ever said to him.  I can't stop thinking about how bad I treated him.  I feel like I am a monster to him when I drink.  It is only him, too.  I am fine around everyone else.  I plan to never touch alcohol again, but I am scared that he won't forgive me.  I love him so much and feel so bad about what I have done.  I don't know what the next step is because I think maybe I should see a counselor.  I think that I might be verbally or emotionally abusive and I have to change.  If anyone has any advice, it would be nice to hear it.  I really want to be a better person for his sake and my own.  Thanks

Thanks - Jesse - Jun 18th 2009


I really appreciated reading your comment.  Thank you.  I was very abusive towards my wife and children, and controlling - everything we know we do best (or worst more acurately).  I have since been learning about spirituality from AA and NA meetings.  I was athiest - and now I don't think I am anymore.  I don't claim to beleive in a God of Christian standards, just one of my understanding, and through the program, whether I'm hearing from Him, or just realizing the right things to do myself, I have become a much better man.  My advice : get into a 12-step program and turn yourself over to it completely - do 90 meetings in 90 days even if you don't beleive in it.  I can assure you you will not be any worse from it.  For me, it has kept me away from drugs and alchohol and given me an outlet to gain wisdom from ppl who have heard my story before or been in my shoes and if nothing else, someone to talk to so I'm not saying hurtful things to someone I care about, whether I mean to or not.  It works if you work it - I'm an example.  I hope I can reach at least one person out there who my advice helps, because that helps me make up a little bit all the bad I've done in my life - apply the AA principles to say, AbA (Abusers Anonymous ((I made this up))) and simply stay sober from abuse!

Finding my way back - Robert - May 21st 2009

Last Monday was my longest day. I lost my family for a year. Sitting in that court room with my wife's whole family there was a humbling, eart shaking experience.   It is a day I will never forget.

Although I have never beaten my wife I can definately see how I have physically intimidated her, I have mentally, emotionally and verbally abused her and ended up taking her soul.
I desperately want to give it back. We will be apart for one year and I can only see my son by travelling halfway across the country and in a visitation center.

I am serious about changing and am in counseling, a mens anti violence group and undergoing a psychiatric evaluation just to be sure that there is nothing "chemical" going on. I also have had to stop speaking with my parents for a time as I am realizing they are a major source of my learned behaviors.  Sadly, my counselor and I feel that they are toxic.  It is not intentional on their part but they want me to yell and attack legally and make my wife's life hell even more.

Some good books that I have read and am reading are:
Violent No More - Michael Paymer
The Verbally Abusive Man can he change? - Patricia Evans (I have spoken to her and have a consult scheduled)
Why does he do that? - Lundy Bancroft (this is a bit harsh towards abusers but a lot of good info)
Learning to live without violence - Danielle J. Sonkin PHD
Love Busters - William Harley PHD (amazing clarity)

My hope is to reunite my family and build trust back into our life. I have been shown compassion and love by people that I would have least expected it from - her family. They are people of faith and it has solidified my belief that there must be something "bigger than me" in my life so last Sunday I stepped into a church for the first time in 25+ years.

I miss my wife and son terribly and I am seeing my abuse for what it is - an attempt to control. There have been many instances in my life of being abused (physically and sexually) however I am not using these as an excuse. I understand that abuse is a choice and I am determined to learn new behaviors to stop. I have a history of abusive relationships (and I never even noticed it was abuse) and I am committed to NO MORE ABUSE. I cannot and will not let myself hurt anyone anymore.

I want to let you all know straight from an abuser that change is possible if there is a commitment. My family deserves it - my son deserves the Father that I can be and my wife deserves the person that I promised her I would be. I know that I can be different. This abusive, selfish person cannot be my destiny.

Any references or resources would be greatly appreciated.


This is a link to an on-line Domestic Violence Education Course that I am taking.
I am through the first three lessons and it appears to be pretty good."

I am also including a letter that I wrote to my wife just after our last case of verbal and emotional abuse. 

I'd like to ask you to not give up yet.  I have asked you for this multiple times before but I need to ask again.
Know that people can change if they really want to.  You have seen it happen and it is happening in you right now.  I do not have to continue down the same path that I have been following.  I can change too.  I do understand that being alone with me is not the safest for you emotionally at this time.  I am working through this and I can and will overcome this verbally and emotionally abusive behavior.
What I am doing is not working.  My life has become unmanageable and our marriage is falling apart.  I have attempted to control and manipulate you, sometimes fully aware of my actions and mostly never even understanding them. I have been unfaithful, I have had angry outbursts, I have been agressive and hurtful.  I am not in control.  I cannot do this on my own.  I need better professional help and a clearer focus to my counseling.
I will seek out a church and begin to find a relationship with God.  I will stop hurting myself, hurting you and acting out in front of our son.
I am responsable for all of the outbursts that have happened in our relationship and I need help in learning to control my temper and my controlling nature.
There has got to be a better way to do this than what I have been doing.  Change is possible.  I believe that I can change and that our marriage can be different. 
I cannot attempt to get you to conform to my expectations, nor, do I even want to.  I want a happy marriage much, much more than I want control.  I believe that I have held myself up to the mirror truly for the first time "raw" today and I do not like what I see.  I have been on the phone with my Father and Frank all day to calm me.  My life is unmanageable. 
The kinds of things that I have done overtly and covertly to you are hideous and I see them all now.  ALL OF THEM.  You deserve to be treated with respect, as an equal.  I believe that you are my equal and in many ways superior to me.  You once told me that "I am better than the way I treat you."  You are so right.  You have endured far too much for far too long.  I submit that I need the presence of a higher power in my life and I know that 'faith' can be a stabilizing force.
I will seek humility instead of arrogance.  I will seek to be human instead of distant and "machine like".  I will seek to be humble and soft instead of this forceful, far too intense person. I will seek to be honest and self aware.  Mindful of my tone and body language.  I will seek to be aware of how others are percieving me and adjust when I feel that all is not calm.
"Learn the art of patience.  Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of the goal.
Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure.
Patience creates confidence, decisiveness and a rational outlook"
I have been guilty of extreme impatience.  I have held you to standards that I clearly do not hold myself to and I have berated you for your feelings.  I have destroyed any romantic love by being "on edge" and exploding often.  This is no way to live my life.  I want and deserve better.  By learning patience and tolerance I will be able to give myself everything that I want and in turn completely love you.
All I want is for us to be "whole" on our own and fully expressed and intimate together.  I want to build the life together that we promised each other all of those years ago.  There are thousands of things that I wish I had done differently and know with that full knowledge of the whats/why's/how's I am prepared to do my part to transform our life together:
I promise:
To take care of Anthony no matter what develops between us.
To learn to have the patience it will take to restore our trust and love.
To love you fully, openly and honestly.
To learn what it will take to make you feel safe and secure.
To be faithful to you for the rest of our lives.
To learn to be respectful to you and to learn to "fight fair".
I will learn to listen without getting defensive.
To learn to relax and have fun with you.
To continue to be a better man.
To Love you as you deserve to be loved.
To become your best friend.
To be the greatest source of your happiness.

This will take time. I will have ups and downs and things will not go perfectly but I will never stop trying. I cannot think of anyone who is worth it more than our family is.
I love you-- 
Looking forward to any comments, suggestions or words of hope.  Thanks.

I recently lost my family due to abuse - Miles S. - May 1st 2009

I recently lost my family because I'd been mentally and physically abusing my wife who was on a third pregnancy.  I believe that our relationship wasn't honest on both parties, lack of communication from my wife and when she communicated to me it was always in a harsh tone after a few weeks of marriage.  Please keep in mind that we'd known each other since high school and gotten married when we were 25 and 24.  My wife would make dishonest statements to me and do things that made start to lose trust in her.  We'd had problems before marriage and I honestly believe we rushed into marriage.  She didn't want to have children all of a sudden when we got married and wanted to work even though she told me that she'd wanted to stay at home before we'd gotten married.  This all would irritate me along with the strong tones towards me.  The first time I hit my wife it was a slap in the kitchen because she wouldn't stop yelling at me.  and from there it proceeded to punching and choking as time went on.  She didn't report any of this because I would always take and hug her and apologize and couldn't believe how enraged i was becoming during our arguments.  Now we have two children who have seen us constantly argue, and curse, and they have seen me abuse their mother.  She now also pregnant again, and I didn't pay attention to the signs but she finally called the police on me, but just told them that she wanted to get away from me and go to hospital and shelter although I hadn't abused physically I had been neglecting her health needs because we were travelling all the time and didn't really have a place to stay due to circumstances.  Now she's gone and I don't know where she or the children are.  I have been a total wreck since then and have since come to the realization of just how much I inflicted instead deflecting the situations.  She hasn't called me to let me know that she's okay, which I'm pretty certain that its over.  My was I ever stupid and selfish.  I hope no one else does this to their loved and put themselves in this situation.

I see the tip of the iceberg ... and I worry ... - - Apr 16th 2009

Ugh.  I can't believe I am reading this site because I always thought of myself as that super nice, easy going, affable guy.  I never ever thought I would abuse my wife.  I have not hurt her, but I see myself at the edge sometimes, and it frightens me.  And, really, I was never like this.  I was married before to a woman for ten years.  Sadly, she passed away after an 8 year battle with breast cancer.  My new wife came along quickly, we became fast friends, fell madly in love, and got married all within 18 months of my first wife dying.  Now (although I was not like this before) I see myself becoming possessive, controlling, and sometimes somewhat abusive.  I rationalize with the same old excuses ... "she lied to me, so I was angry .... she was being abusive to me verbally ... I just had to make her hear me out ... It was not that bad ... but I didn't hit her."  But, the bottom line is no one makes us act the way we do.  It's our choice of how to respond to our spouse, or any other person for that matter.  Sometimes, I choose to not let her leave the room until she hears me out ... I choose to hold her so she can't leave ... I choose to use an angry loud tone ... I choose to not let her cool down before we continue a conversation ... I choose to do all of these things.  And I scare myself.  I know I scare her.  She is a loving woman with two wonderful children with whom I have bonded so well.  I have never acted that way with the kids ... frankly ... my patience with them is immeasurable.  Better than my wife's patience with them, really.  But I find myself impatient with her when I want to make a point ... or be right.  I don't know why I act that way because I don't do that with any other person in my life.  I just hope that I can stop acting that way ... be more patient ... let things work themselves out more easily.  Perhaps I am possessive because I don't want to lose her ... I have lost someone already ... perhaps I don't want any strife because I have already dealt with so much difficulty ... so when we argue I must come to a resolution quickly even though I know she has to think about stuff and cool down ... perhaps its alot of things.  But I have to get control of myself because no one can do it for me and it's no one's fault except my own.  So, what do I do?  Help ... R

Abuse - Jerry W - Apr 14th 2009

I'll keep this brief.  I am an abuser.  I hate it.  Common theme here.  I am probably going to lose my wife and children form it.  I am 23 and was going to start a career in healthcare, but I got drunk a couple weeks ago and did something that I don't remember, but I'll never forget.  I hit my wife, and I hit my 2 year old daughter.  My wife said I hit her as hard as I could.  I really hate myself, and I have no legitimate excuse.  I am now in AA, a parenting course, AODA counseling, and I just started reading the bible for the first time.  I am a life-long firm Atheist. Was.  I found God and I think I'm going to be able to change.  I can only hope I can get my life on track before I lose everything, but now that I'm aware, I know how much it hurt my wife on the inside.  She never did anything to deserve what I did.  We fought a lot, I demeaned her a lot, the sex was just going thru the motions.  I thought I wanted something else, but once i quit doing drugs, my mind cleared and I can see clearly now.  I don't even feel lik eI deserve another chance, and I don't think I'll get it.  The only thing I know is that God tis now there to help me, as stupid as that sounds to someone who is like I was a month ago, it's my salvation.  I did my first communion on easter, and I feel as though I am ressurrected.  My anger is gone, I realize that people will be who they are, and I cannot force anyone to change, nor would I want to because it wouldn't make them happy.  So much for brief, eh?  Well, I am done crying tonight.  If there are any abusers who are reading this thinking they aren't that bad, you took the time to look up this site, take the time to look up what abuse does to a woman.  To her spirit, her soul.  You may well ruin her life, doom her to hook up with a**holes like you for the rest of her days.  Please, get help for your poblems, find your own God, and find the strength to either man up and fix whats wrong with you, or walk away.  And don't you dare get mad if she cheats.  You deserve it.  Just hope she finds someone better than you, or that you can change in time to be that someone better.

Thank you for finally admitting it - - Apr 14th 2009

There comes a point in abuse where sorry doesn't cut it anymore, we've heard it too many times.  What we really need to hear is what many of you have just said "I am an abuser", "I beat my husband/wife/child" It took my husband forever to come to terms with it, to admit it to himself, to the counselor, to me, he was too ashamed of himself but the day he could finally say the words "I beat you" a huge weight came off of both of us and "I'm sorry" finally had some meaning. Councelling can become effective.  Most importantly, forgiveness can happen.  It's where healing and forgiveness start for all parties involved.   Calling it "it" only gives it more strength, call it what it is, "abuse" and then and only then can it start to go away. If you are still too afraid or think that you don't deserve forgiveness, know this, I needed to be able to forgive him.  I needed to come to terms with it as well.  Abuse is so surreal for both the abused and the abuser and while the abused gets the bruises to show it was real until the abuser acknowledges it... it keeps it at a surreal level and never validates all the horror going through it is.  It happened, it was horrible and now we can go on from here.  Even if we go our seperate ways in life we can both go on without being the broken people we were.  I NEEDED to hear those words and I thank each and everyone of you, whoever you are, for saying them

I'm an abuser, and I hate it. - J. - Mar 26th 2009

Those may have been the seven worst words that I've ever uttered. But I guess it's due that I say them. I'm 22 and I've either been exposed to abuse, or been an abuser, all my life. I saw physical abuse in my parent's house up until I was 7 or 8, as they were both heavy alcoholics and drug addicts. I saw verbal abuse when I was in my grandparent's house up until I was 17. Both of them were alcoholics as well. I, thankfully, never quite picked up the alcoholic traits. However, I was left scarred and with tons of pent-up anger. I was diagnosed bipolar, ridiculed by doctors, institutionalized twice by a pill-popping alcoholic, and now that I'm out into the real world, the wrongdoing of my actions more and more mirrors what I've seen. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 and a half years, and in that time, it's gotten worse, then better, then worse again. I've beaten her, choked her, grabbed her wrists and twisted them, punched her, and most recently, i lunged out of bed, half-asleep, and choked her against a wall. It scares me, because I realize how much she actually does mean to me. And I don't have insurance to go on medicine, and even when I was on medicine, it just made me into a zombie. I want the ability to be myself, without having this abusive side. I guess this is why I'm posting here. I want to take today and make a new start for myself. And I don't mean with her, because I've had a million starts with her. I doubt I have many more left. But if I can stop before the next person gets hurt... maybe I'll feel better about things. Maybe if I recuperate my head, my body, and stop being this way, I can be a success story, instead of being the shock story on the 10PM news. I just hope that when I do, that not everyone will have turned their back on me.

I finally realized that I'm not the person I thought I was... - Tom - Feb 16th 2009

I am an abuser. Wow I finally can say it and it hurts really bad right now because my wife moved out a little over a week ago. She warned me several times that this would happen if I didn't change my behavior. Every time we would fight I would get to the point of abusive rage and then pull back and aplogize when I realized what I was doing. I've used all of the excuses mentioned here:

It's because I was abused as a child.

It was the alcohol that made me angry

I'm under tremendous stress at work

I'm really not abusive it's you that verbally abuse me to the point I get angery and violent.

The last one I just mentioned has enabled me for the longest time to feel that I'm not responsible for my abusiveness. I now realize that there is no excuse. I have to accept responsibility for my own actions. Yes my wife can be verbally abusive and she has issues of her own however I can and should have been able to control myself and simply walk away from her abusiveness. 


I have been deprived of my parental rights by my husband and now I have been an abuser - grace - Jan 12th 2009
I left mhy husband and my daughter in Africa. For about eight years. When I finally got my family in the states I now abuse my daugther for not doing well in school and want her to be a good girl and every time we learn together I end in beating her please help me I always feel guilty after beating her I do not want her to b e scared of me and what do i do to not to abusing my daugther.

i am the abuser - alex - Nov 22nd 2008

hi. i am 26 years old i am the abuser. i hate it with all my guts that is my label. i drink on the weekend maybe if my spouse and i are invited to a friends. i hate it with all my heart that i abuse my spouse but i just really cant help it. she gets me all roused up over the smallest thing and next thing i know i have done damaged to her phyiscally. i have seeked out medical help, and was working for a while but then the hurricane came. and, i needed to focus on my job so i had to stop my medication or it would get me killed i have tried lower doses of it but does not work as well.i have even thought of burning my hands after i abuser so it would stop me from doing again to her. so, i would feel the pain she felt inside i love her with all my heart..please somebody help us..

I.M ABUSED. SO IS MY YOUNGER SIBLINGS. - Patricia Jackson - Oct 23rd 2008

Hi, I am 15 yrs old. I need some help my mom is not a drunk she is not even a smoker. She beats us and dosent care at all. She says "I know what abuse is and I dont care if i am abusing you, I am the mom and I think I am very fair on your beatings." She thinks shes right always. I get so scared. She usually makes me take my shirt off bend over and she smacks me over my back with any thing she has. Please send help or help us!!! 

the dark side shows sometimes - x - Aug 19th 2008

I don't usually talk about this, but considering many others are, well i am willing to share my dark secret. I am ashamed of how I am and the only way i am able to get help, is to admit that i am crazy. I am not crazy, its just the fact that someone abused me to much. I grew up with a ok family, there was some abuse, but not enough to damage my life. It wasn't until i met my first husband at 18. He was nice to me when we first got married and then he decided he was going to rough me up a little. I let him rough me up and hit me in a couple bad fights. One night he hurt me bad and then something snapped in my head. I got up and did the same thing to him as he did to me. I was so angry and my body had more energy than him. I told him, if he ever laid another hand on me, he would get the same treatment back. Then we would beat each other up bad sometimes, but i always made sure he took the first swing and hit me first. I lived with him for 7 yrs. I am almsot 30 and have a wonderful new husband that i don't derserve because he is to nice. I try to warn him about my past and that my anger can build up. It wasn't to long ago that we got into a bad argument and i was seething bad. I told him to leave me alone, he didn't back off and then it happened. I picked up an object up and threw it on the ground to get his attention.I begged him to leave me alone because my anger over took my ability to control it. He saw a little of my dark side and he thought i was kidding. I have put the past to rest, but i try to tell him that sometimes he does things th at  remind me of my ex. I love him, but i wish he would understand to leave me alone when i am seething. I never used to be abusive until i was with my exhusband. I was abused and in return i became an abuser. I have seeked help for my anger,seething, and agressive behavior, but sometimes it sneaks up on me. I know the signs of the anger and take a time out, but my new husband sometimes over steps the boundaries. I appologize for my behavior and work on being better, but i don't want him to be scared of me or hate me. I have never striked him or threw objects at him. And I never will because he is my rock or foundation. I will leave my marriage before that happens, but its devistating to act like that. It takes my body time to recover from being angry and from anxiety. It took me almost 7 yrs to put my life back together after leaving my ex, but sometimes i feel as if i fell of the wagon. I trust in god and live day to day. Here is the story of my deep dark secret. Someone in my family stated that being abusive runs in my family along with agression. But, I don't care i won't be the abuser never again and never will be abused again.

Chronic Non-Physical Abuser - - Jul 31st 2008

I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful, loving husband who has put up with chronic abuse from me the whole time. I grew up in an abusive family, both physical and verbal, and promised myself I'd never become the same way. I have slapped him twice, but mostly it's these rages I fly into where I'm a raving lunatic, say anything I can whether true or not just for the purpose of hurting him, and it seems to be the slightest things that set it off -- feeling cornered mostly, having to talk about things or deal with things I don't feel like I can handle. It's an ongoing pattern I feel horrible about, and I really love him so I'm desperately trying to figure out what I need to do to stop. I hate the person I become, and have promised myself and him so many times that I won't do it again, but once that rage comes on I feel like I lose all self-control and just go crazy. I am at the point of losing him because of this, and have always wanted very badly to change, but I am at a complete loss as to what to do because nothing has worked. I love him very deeply and am very sorry for my behavior, but I can't expect him to keep putting up with it or to believe me when I tell him I feel this way.

Trying to stay in control - Anya - Jul 15th 2008

first off I gew up in an abusive home I experinced every abuse you can think of, emotional, physucal, sexual, neglect. Anywho I always swore I wouldn't become an abuser and for a while I kept to my promise that is until my job.

I currently work at a nursing home and I dealt with absive/combative people before and I was able to handle it. Anywho about a year ago I had a resient that just kept going at me and I ended up retaliating. After the incident I felt so bad a so gulity. How could I have done this how could I have become someone I swore I wouldn't become? There was so many things different I could have one and I didn't. Was it because I didn't want to be seen as weak and a coward? Or because I finally wanted the upper hand? Either way I felt so bad about it! I would have knots in my stomach for weeks after it, I could barly eat, I was extremlly nervous, and could barley sleep and when I did I would toss and turn. If I could go back and take it back I would.

I want to get help but don't know how and am scared at the same time. Afriad of what others will think of me, if the help will even work, will I also have to face time, and if I do will it affect my chances of changing and doing what I really want to do? To become a nurse and help others? Though I have talked once to my bishop but in truth he wasn't really any help cuz he told be he was physically abused and that's when I threw it back saying well I was too; which I was scared to do as he is freinds with my mom.

Anywho I need help! I want to stop and not become who I swore I would never become!

soooo sad - - Jul 6th 2008

I feel so horrible I cant believe what I've done. I was extremely drunk and hit my boyfriend in the head with a glass bottle, twice its sick and insane I've never done somthing so horrible. I didnt know I could. He didnt hit me back but he broke my windshied. He left me of course, we were living together he moved out. Ill do anything to get him back. I have no one to talk to about this. I dont talk to my parents because I was abused as a child. Im so alone whats wrong with me? Does anyone think I could do somthing like this again that scares me so bad, I know I couldnt do it when sober. When drunk I have slapped him before this happened twice. What should I do? I love him so much if he loves me do you think he'll try to work it out?

i have been abused - - Jun 18th 2008

To all those that are abuser's and  to  the ones that get abused keep the faith god will be with you, just face the hard decission that you will have to make when  the time  comes. I have been there and  the  road may  be rocky  but  prayer and  faith will take you  to  that  place that  you  belong and remember to believe and all will be well.

Life is a choice. - martin - Jun 12th 2008

I am a victim of abuse, starting from my earliest memory until I left home, and have not become an abuser. I believe that I have and had all of the makings necessary to become a great one; physical strength, education to wit, and plenty of anger. Gobs of it.

What I did do, quite simply, was make a choice on who I would become. Would I treat others the way I had been treated? No. No, I will not.

I read many of the entries on this site; some made me think, some made me sad, and while others showed little sugar coated truths. I have never found the goodness inside myself, that overflowing well of forgivenness, to fully and truly forgive the bastards of my past. It will come in its own time; what I have found is the well of forgivenness for myself, my befuddled emotions, and impulsive actions. I found that strength on the same day the brunt of the abuse stopped; the day I threatened to take his life if he ever again laid hand. And I surely meant it, with ever fiber of my being, and at the time I would have felt the surge of righteousness after he fell. A tight rope emerged then, and I walked it, ready to accept the consequences of my actions. Luck, God, whatever, was on my side and he is still alive today. And I am still alive, living, breathing, loving and eventually forgiving.

If you are an abuser, and you want to find the path to true redemption, then hark these words: Forgive yourself, take responsibility by not blaming others for your specific actions, and CHANGE by CHOICE. Take a stand on who you are and what you believe in, stick to it, and forgive yourself when others wont. I could care less if you love yourself--thats not where it all starts. It starts by making a choice, deep down inside, that can enact a change like no other. Choose your master--your abuser and 'what they made you become' or responsible forgiveness of ones self.

i am abusive and didnt know - ww - May 29th 2008

i met this wonderful girl i fell in love with .... i have never had such intense feelings for a woman.. at first it was going smooth she had others in her past that would try to contact her....

i broke up with a girl i had for 3 yrs on a long distance relationship she had tried to control me and would call me like 80 times and allways wanted to know where i was and this new girl made me happy i couldnt wait to get off work and spend time with her and make love etc... etc..i went through an infatuation period i guess you would call it

As time went on guys she had been with in the past were her friends ths bothered me. I started getting jealous these were this was the first heart wrenching thing i experienced. Her roomate would invite guys over that she had been with and this really pissed me off

Sometimes guys in her past would call her and i would flip out we had talked openly about relationships in our past. It would bother me when i thought about her with guys . I think the first controlling thing i asked her to do was change her phone number because i was bothered by random dudes in her past calling her.... she refused.

I remember i grabbed her cell phone and she left my house... but she flipped out and drove around my neighborhood like a wild woman honking her horn in anger. I guess she felt she was being controlled and was showing her anger this was in the early part of the relationship

I remember we got into a fight and she decided to go out on a date with a male friend who she had never been with. I remember i followed them on my bike like a stalker and was so pissed off. We met later that night and i told her that i was going to make a change. She gave me another chance. I even flattened the guys tire.

I mean i was so crazy about this girl i felt she was the most beautiful thing in my eye. I think i slowly began to control her and starting spending ALL my time with her i think me and her roomate had conflicts.... like i stopped hanging with friends and family doing things that i usually did.

I remember if i got into a fight with her my day at work would be affected. I would have to call her to make things right i tried to change. Like she was affecting my work performance and my motivation

I think the first time i verbally abused her it wasnt that harsh i said that she was a jezebel. I said this because of her parents religous backgrond and the amount of men she has had in her life for her age.

I got her pregnant and when she was we got into more fights. She had a miscarriage and i was feeling releived because this was a fucked up and we were getting into fights. I remember i even told her i was happy she had a miscarriage.

I remember we got into a fight another time and i called her a SLUT out loud but it felt so bad to say it. I just lashed out on her in the fight and i could tell she was hurt by what i said. It hurt me to say that to someone i cared so much about why would i do that?

I would get upset if other guys were looking at her. I mean this was some crazy jealousy i have never experienced in my life.

I finally took some time off from work and we had decided that we were gonna take a break and go on a cruise together. Bad mistake i remember she had went to the room and i was waiting for her to get back into the jacuzzi. I was like wtf where is she at. Then i found her and i felt she was modeling her bathing suits for guys I was jealous as hell. I felt she was looking at other guys.

We got into a fight in the room and i lashed out on her then we had to walk around cayman. I flipped out on her again and called her a slut and prostitute asked why she was eyeing these guys she refused to hang out with me so i followed her around the stores. Man i was so pathetic

we got into another fight i think it was that night. I snapped on her and she tried to leave the room. I felt she was gonna go look for other guys so i was like your not leaving the fucking room this is a hostage situation. I told her we were gonna remain in the room for the rest of the cruise. She tried to leave and i told her no. I verbally abused her for like an hour. I was on top of her and she started saying things to get under my skin so i slapped her. So she tried to leave and i still wouldnt so she said she would scream. then she did and i covered her mouth up and told her to shut up. Then she tried again and wrestled her to the bed and kept my hand on her mouth. I told her if she was quiet i would let her leave. She hit me and i was like thats what i wanted you to do and let her leave the room.

Later that night i went out looking for her cuz i felt so bad. I was like man i really fucked up i am really ashamed to type this stuff online i cant beleive i reacted like that to a woman that i had intense feelings for So I got drunk then came back to the room and found she had locked it from the inside. When security left i told her that i loved her and i was sorry. Security came and let me in but they wanted a statement and said we couldnt be fighting on the ship she wrote a statement but i dont think that she said i hit her or locked her in the room because security threatened to throw us in mexico if we did.

So we get back to the states and after that incedent she tells me she has a guy friend from 8 yrs ago coming over to visit. Im like ok. So she comes to my house to get her things and gives me a ride to get my bike. I grab her phone in the car and she is like give it back and i say no. So she stops the car and pulls my things outside. so i go and get them and she leaves me with her phone. she would search through my phone numbers and e-mails and i would do the same i dont think we trusted each other. I take her phone and smash it against a wall.

I get a ride over to her house and i see this guy and she was like this is my friend and i block the bike behind her car. Im like shut the fuck up to the guy when he tries to talk. She was like move your car im like no. so he offers his vehicle and i follow them... they later go back to the apartment and call the cops. so i get a trespass issue against me

so they leave together and i go and i look for them in the place they were going. I couldnt find them so i went back to her place later that night. I peaked throuh her window and saw she was on the bed with him and his shirt was off on his back. I start watching to see if anything would happen. Then i bang on the window and i kicked her vehicle damaging it as i left before they came out.

Later the next night i go out to a party and get drunk but i had it premeditated i was gonna go back to her house. I come back to her house hammered i mean i couldnt walk straight. I knock on her window and i call her name then i knock on her door and call her name i couldnt even walk straight. Then i layed on the floor by her door and i see a cop boot. The cop picks me up and finally she answers the door. The cops put me in the back of their car and im looking at her. I wanted to just tell her i was so sorry.

That was my wake up call. Spending a night in jail and after being drunk and seeing her expressionless face as i left in the back of that cop car. I was later issued a restraining order and now i have to go to court.

I feel so bad for what ive done and how ive acted. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist but im still hurting over this. After the restraining order i felt like going over there just to see her i felt like a rejected stalker liuckily a friend called me as i was driving over there and i had someone to talk to

This is my therapy as of right now writing this. I had legal counseling to not say anything until the courtdate but i needed to get this out.

I feel so bad i must have crushed her heart as i held her mouth shut. I didnt realize i was terrorizing her when i would say these things.She had an issue with being held down because her brother used to beat her up. She told me that before. I have never gotten to a point like this in my relationship with a woman i usually had no feelings involved.

I want to change I dont want this ever to happen again i feel like i should study psychology or something to understand just what the fuck i was doing.I feel i have done so much damage to this girl and didnt realize what i was doing All i want her to be is happy again not get into guys who are like me. I feel so much remorse to what ive done. I look back at pictures of us and think man i wish i could go back to the happy days. Its time to move on but i need to get this resolved so i dont do it again. I want to understand why i acted in those ways and how i let myself go that far. I feel like im losing my mind sometimes I cant wait to talk to the psychiatrist and get this in my past resolved and behind me. I want to say im sorry to her so bad but now i cant i never want this to happen again.

she is in love with the guy who signed for her child he is not the biological father but she loves this guy. He is abusive to her but im worried she may get back to him because he has the same last name. He has smashed her things and she has told me stories of how verbally abusive he was.How he wished she would die so he could take her son. When i was with her before and happy he threatened to kill her. Funny thing is when i became abusive she would call him and cry to him. I think she has been abused her whole life and i was no different

I have my e-mail attached if you want to write me this is a fucked up story but it happened i cant deny it. This is how fucked up i am now. I want to understand this i wish she would get help to but thats not my decision

I Need Help - mark - Apr 16th 2008

My name is mark i started off in a relationship with a woman june of last year the first three months were fine but then rolled in her friends and them needing there time also and then her family it almost seemed unreal i think i felt weak and needed to gain control we began to argue on day and i slapped her this began to get worse as the days went on and arguements continued. sh have now been together for ten months and she is pregnant and the other day i slapped here....she i wanting to leave me very angry with me and seperated for the time. i am attempting to seek counseling (domestic abuser help) and want to change so my extensive past of seeing my mother abused and being abused so it does not become my future. I would never want to hurt my child when it comes into this world but my ultimate goal is family one that is not divorced seperated or knows child support. I truly do love her and want this dream to come true with her is there any way i can save my marrige help my wife to see i am changed and help her know i will take care of her not hamr her i am looking for any advice and would like help. i know i am wrong for the things i have done nobody deserves to be abused in any way it is never right. please help asap

There is hope - - Apr 7th 2008
hi my name is susan i am a adult survior of sexual abuse from age 4 to 16.dont give up on yourself because theres hope. you were beautifully and wonderfully made by jesus christ. he will be there if you reach out to him .jesus promises solitude in our brokeness . its true he loves us no matter what we have ever done. sit down and open up a conversation with him and welcome him into youre life and will be amazed because he lives and he is incredible. i ll keep you in my prayers . susan

I was abuse then I have become an abuser now... - meme - Apr 4th 2008

I was abuse when I was a child by my grandmother,my father, two unkles, aunts. I was robbed of my childhood, I would get punish every single day! and they would all threaten me to keep silent it was very disturbing growing around my family they change the behabior when I grew up but obviously it was late. now as a man I am abusive even though I swore not to do the same to people but for some reason I find mysel paying eye for an eye. I dont know what to do sometimes I feel so bad that I want to die because . I feel like a fraud ! a liar , an actor . I feel i am being codemed by everybody I wish someone instead of critize me would offer some help. I know I am not a monster please help

Is fighting an abuser back with mean words abuse? - - Dec 24th 2007

My husband has been abusing me both physically and emotionally.  The physical has stopped- the emotional continues.  He now blames me for fighting back with words. Yes, they are cruel and insensitive.  Am I an abuser? I have never said mean things to anyone before I met him.  I say true things, but they are ugly and not coated with sugar.  Has he helped mold an abuser? I am confused.  Do I need domestic violence classes too?

Abuser....and wanting to recover - John - Nov 11th 2007
I'm 25 years old and have been an abuser for most of my life. To many of my friends I come off being calm, nice confidant and a gentlemen. What they don't see is how I can be jealous, paranoid and interrogative towards the person I love. In fact I have once again become aware of my actions, and wonder if I'll ever be able to finally be a peace. My past is filled with violence, my parents, divorced when I was 10. During those  10 years I know that I was physically abused, I know I was mentally abused. I know because I've seen numerous therapists. I was robbed of my childhood and as I got older I turned all that rage on the people I loved. I hit my girlfriends, told them off, cheated on them and even said cruel things that make me want to puke. It's been 4 years since I've hot anyone. It's been 4 years since I changed from one type of abuse to another. I don't hit my girlfriend, I get jealous, paranoid and scared that I'm not good enough to be with anyone. I'm scarred of what I'm capable of, but understand that I did make some huge progress in the last 4 years. I want to rid  myself of the insecurities and live a life of confidence and happiness. But I know that my past haunts me and although I don't physically abuse anymore, I still mentally abuse. I'm solely reposible for my actions, I'm the only who can change me and damn it, I know it's not to late. I wish I could pluck out the pain of what I've done to people, but I understand that I can learn from those experiences and make the ultimate break through. I'm scared that I might fail though. This is the first women I actually love to the point where I'm happy to see her succeed and better herself. God knows that if I can change in me this feeling of insecurity, then I would be fully recovered. I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know how how to step through it! I need help for this last part, I don't want to go back be that monster I was. I've come so far, I need that last push. Sometimes I wonder if all I need to do is just trust again. How does one trust when in the past, the people I looked up to completely tore me to shreds. Maybe, leaving it all behind means, just putting faith in me.....I am good enough, I am a good person, we are deep down good people. We've been hurt and feel that because of that we have to control, strike out and hurt the ones we love because we're scared. I'm tired of being scared. Has anyone gotten past this stage? Help.

i feel for you others cause i don't want to abuse anymore - fall out boy - Oct 20th 2007
I'll say my name is ted dorite, but its not my real name, i am an abuser.....and i'm not happy at all about it, its started two years ago on a febuary day, we got in a fight so bad that i thought i was right and she kept on badgering me, but i thought that i was so right that i had gotten to the point that i had hit her, i smacked her so hard across the face that she immedietly started crying, and i felt like major poop, but it only the beginning for a bout of saying theres nothing wrong with me and that we loveed each other and would always be it kept happening, days started turning into months, i had hit some lows, not being able to provide food for us cause our dead beat boss had not paid us in like 2 months and promised us she would and we fought from everything about me wanting to hangout with friends and drinking our last money away to not having food that i asked my parents to move into there house with them cause we had no food, but i hit even lower and the abuse kept going, i was literally lying and drinking everything, and in light of that i had gotten a job, i pretty much begged for it cause i had this position before so i got the job but we still fought and yes it kept getting worse, i was lying about everything to drink.......well you can see the picture from there....pretty low i was, just about two years later i have done some thinking and have narrowed it to when i was young, i had seen my father hit my mother, and heard it from a thin door while they thought me and my brothers were sleeping, i said to my self just about every occasion i heard them that i would never treat a woman like that, and later year my father had said if he heard me hitting a woman that he'd kill me(so to speak) but basically beat me up real bad, take into his own hands so to could he i think now, all those sleepless nights of hearing my mom and dad fighting and now i am one of those dads, cuase i have one of my own with my GF, yet she is very little right now, but i know she senses everything, i don't want to keep on doing what i've been doing, my gf tonight wants to break up and i can't do it, i have quit drinking just about all together, just the odd blue moon, not by anymeans like i did, and it was her that helped me do that one, so i thank her very much for that, but if only she knew that what we were about to throw away, our lives, our duaghters life, and for what, something i had experianced so long ago, bullshit, theres a reason its in the past and it should stay in the past, i'm getting help cuase i want to for my familys sake and my own, and i will be talking with my father and mother about what i had heard all those years ago and that i will forgive them cause they have a grand daughter that would very much love to see them and to get spoiled by them and i would love to let this rest. i am very greatly appreciated that there is a site like this for us......i'm gald to read that i am not the only one out there and i don't have to be scared, i am amking my first step by writing for others to see and they to should write to help people like ourselves, there is light at the end of the tunnel...

Male 24yrs old and finally see it
if you need to talk i would love to help and if not i would love to just listen cuase there are abusers that want to change, i am one of those who want to change    - not my personal account, but i do check it everyday 

my surprise - FDB - Oct 10th 2007

recently, while driving, my husband and i got into an argument...again. but it seemed like i was doing all the arguing...again. after all was silent for a minute i felt terrible about all the horid things i had yelled at him and he just took it all in. i finally asked him what i already knew the answer you feel abused? him being a man of course answered "NO!" but after little more silence he told me that what i say does make him feel really awful about himself, he said he knows he could never do anything right and knows that he could never do anything to keep me happy. and that he is scared of me.

i felt terrible. he is a wonderful husband and father. but i dont know why i constantly berate him and call him names. he DOES make me happy but i never tell him that. he does do things right but again i dont tell him that either. he never says anything to me just puts his head down and walks away. i yell and scream and berrate...

i thought i was the only woman who did these things. i dont want to lose my husband but i dont know where i could turn to that helps people like me. im a military spouse living overseas. NOTHING is private in the military. i tried looking online to help but had no luck.

I need help - german ubetto - Sep 12th 2007

I have come to the conclusion that I have traces of an abuser I did not hit my ex-girlfriend but I verbally abuse her I snap very easy and can not control my mouth I offend her verbally always screaming towards the end I became very volatile with a very bad jeaoulosy problem. 90% of my relationships end up in a fight and thats why I break up with them

My father was an abuser he would fight for everything and go on for hours arguing with my mother he never hit or abuse me in any way or form but i saw alot of fights in my house trough all my childhood.

I noticed that I get all fired up for things that are not necessary to be angry or jeaolouse sorry for my spelling this is not my first langauge I am From venezuela Latin americaI need help I need to change I want to change not for my ex or anybody else but for myself I don't want to abuse anybody else I want to learn to control my anger issues and my temper please help me can some body e-mail me with something my email is thank you.

Editor's Note: Looking at our Anger Mangagement topic center might prove useful. 

gives me hope - bob - Sep 9th 2007

recently my wife left me and filed for devorce. i  tought i didnt care till i saw her at court.i have made a desicon to change my actions but finding it hard to find help for the if any one hasany info that could help i live in southeast CT you can email me at i

thank you

Getting your spouse back? - BW - Aug 26th 2007

First, you cannot do anything to get your spouse back. You can do things to get _you_ acting like you think you act, but your spouse gets to decide if they want to risk anything more with you. In a perfect world, you would be the person you want to be, and your spouse would want to be around you. This is not the situation we as abusers find we have created for ourselves.

For me, I have had to stop and look at what I do honestly. Then I look at what I say I want to do. As an abuser, these are not the same (they are getting closer with time and effort). If you think these are the same for you, you need to take another look at yourself, or you are a psychopath who enjoys hurting people. I have to look at what is different between my words and actions, then make changes to bring these in line with each other. I found the anger management course I took helpful in that.

Additionally, I am stopping, looking at what is happening internally, then I am looking at the _facts_ of what is going on externally. It does not matter what I think happened; all that matters is what actually happened. Otherwise, I am reacting to the past, not the present. Then I make a decision as to what to do. As my teacher in another class I'm taking states, "You can decide to continue, you can decide to do nothing, or you can decide to do something different." It really is okay to decide to do nothing. Simply stating, "I need to think about this before making a decision" is an acceptable response; but remember this is an acceptable response for other people too.

I encourage you to do something different from what you've tried in the past. Work on yourself, and respect (for once at least) the decisions your spouse/family/friends make. We can all hope they include us. However, as abusers, we have demonstrated that we do not understand power in relationships. Our interactions should not be an exchange of power. Simply put, our power extends to us and their power extends to them. Anything else is abuse.

Good luck.


(posted previously "To Abused June 23rd 2007")

Feeling sick - Just me - Aug 24th 2007

I am an abuser. I probably drink about once every two weeks and it inevitable that every time I drink I become abusive. Sometimes it is only verbal but more often it is physical. I am a woman and I feel like a horrible person because I have such a wonderful husband and I know he deserves a better life than I could ever give him if I continue this cycle. He has rarely ever even said a mean word to me. I don't want him to be embarassed because his wife throws things at him and gives him a fat lip. I want him to be proud of the life he has, with me. I am truly heartbroken even thinking about losing him because of this. I don't know what to do, but I am going to try changing all on my own. One of the most important things I know I need to do is to never allow myself to justify drinking and getting angry at him for my own insecurities. It is also time for me to admit that although I don't drink on a daily basis I am an alcoholic in that my drinking is affecting my life and it will soon ruin it if I don't stop. I know I have a lot of self exploration to do in the next few days to try to help myself. I am hoping I can do this on my own. Please pray for me and even more for my husband. I love him.

please help me save my marriage - Adam Henderson - Aug 18th 2007
   Me and my wife have been together for 5 years and married for two of those . About a year ago i started to physically abuse my wife and every time she took me back. This time she is saying that she wants out. I love her and don't want to lose her but I know that i need to make a change.How do I get her to stay?

Forest for the trees - HB - Jul 14th 2007

I am an abuser.

Every major relationship in my life has ended because I am an abuser.

About a month ago, I lost yet again.

Because I am an abuser.

Because I called her stupid

Because I screamed at her for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher "the right way"

Because I chased her round the house trying to take her phone away so she couldn't talk to other people

Because I pinned her against the closet door, arm cocked back ready to pummel her face.

Because I tackled her to the floor, again trying to take her phone so she could not talk to anyone.

Because she had some kind of secret that she wouldn't tell me so I chased her into the bathroom and blocked the door so she could not leave until she told me what it was she didn't want to talk about. 

Chased her down at work, followed her, stalked her, so I could know what she was doing.

Screamed obscenities directed at her, less than 1 inch from her face, on several occasions

Slapped her on the side of the head

Read her private journals

Hacked into her email

and probably other things I can't think of at the moment.

There are times when I can stop myself, and times where things happen which would usualy make me want to scream or hit or whatnot, and I have no urge to abuse. There are times when I recognize the symptoms of wanting to lash out, and I choose not to. And there are times when I get so worked up that I am in a poor headspace and can't think rationally and I hit, I scream, I

They say that abusers can change, if they want to change.

I want to change, I need to change, I have to change, or my soul will not survive. I've held it under water so long I think it may have drown.

I am tired

of hiding

I am tired

of hurting

I am tired

of hating


This is the first time I feel okay

about focusing on myself

I don't feel guilty about it

Because I am doing it for me.

Not doing it for anyone else

so no need to worry

"is this selfish? is this okay? are they looking at me poorly for being selfish?"

I am controlling my own life

through my own life

instead of controlling others

to gain control over my own life

and environment 

I begin therapy in 2 weeks.


I am so tired of battling with my brain.

Tired of projecting my issues on her

she is not a movie screen

she is a human being

with teeth and skin and heart and hands and feet

and eyes and soul


I don't see that when I get jealous, when I get paranoid, when I get scared. I only see my jealousy, I only see my paranoia, I only see my parents walking out that door.


Instead of seeing that she loved me, all I saw was what I was getting out of the deal.

I could not accept that she just simply loved me.

I could not SEE that she just simply loved me.

I could not feel that she just simply loved me.

for who I am

I had to doubt

I had to be scared

for absolutely no reason at all


All she did was love me.


Rarely are abusers actually angry when they abuse.

This is why anger management classes don't work.

Because abuse is fear

abuse is jealousy

abuse is projection

abuse is a malformed survival instinct

abuse is about control

abuse is about power 

abuse is wrong


i need help - - Jul 13th 2007
i am an abuser. i have actually come to realize it just now it slapped me in the face. i have a wonderful spouse whom i do not deserve. as a child i had experienced violence through my dad hitting my mom but they are better and although sorry will never heal the pain. they have overcome their obstacles. this is no excuse however on my actions i know. i have a short temper and i regret how i have hurt my significant other. i feel like i'm under attack when i become physically abusive. i hate being ignored and it upsets me further. causing more anger to build up so when i let it out its a lot of anger. my love wants to leave me and i am fearing it with my life. i need him. and hes great never hurt me in any way. i do not deserve him at all. i hope that he will be able to let me prove to him that i can change for good. everything is all in his hands and it scares me. i messed up and know i have to face the consequences. either way i end up losing. if we are together our relationship will have to start from scratch. and if it goes the other way i lose him for good. i need serious help!!

Didn't recognize - - Jul 9th 2007


My wife recently informed me that I am an emotional abuser.  I never looked at myself in that light.  In the past few weeks I have attended counseling, read up on the topic on the internet and have had several conversations with my wife.

I can honestly say that I never meant to hurt my wife.  There was never any physical abuse, but what I am learning is that emotional/verbal abuse hurts just as much.  I have looked at myself very closely as of late and must say I don't like me.  I still struggle with the thought that I have caused my wife pain and have damaged her self-esteem.

I didn't realize what I was doing.  I have begun to look at events through her eyes.  Even though i never intended for it to be degrading or humiliating I am realizing that it was.  I don't know if we will work through this.  I honestly hope and pray we do.  I have alot of things to work on.

I am trying to find the proper help and take the proper steps.  Please pray and keep me in thoughts.

To: Abused -- Jun 23rd 2007 - - Jun 26th 2007

I am a recovering abuser. I keep expecting my family to leave me, because no one is safe living with an abuser. They see me doing what I said I will do, so they stay (or let me stay). But I still get afraid that they will leave. This page is helpful, partly because I can see that I am not the only abuser wanting help, and partly because I can see that people who love abusers do want us to change.

To Abused -- Jun 23rd 2007: Financial stability won't happen soon enough. I strongly recommend your fiance get into (and complete) an anger management program. I found one online that was only $45. I am almost done with it and it has been so extremely helpful to me ( Tell him you will gladly eat peanut butter sandwiches for a month if you have to, but that he MUST take it (or another one) in order for you to feel safe.

If he can't follow the anger management program, you MUST leave. Not only so you don't get hurt more than you are now, but so that he can get help. Support without consequences to wrong action is only codependence and that's bad for everyone. Your support could help him through this change, but ONLY if he actually is doing what the course tells him to do. Stay safe. Remember, if he doesn't IMMEDIATELY get help, you were alive before you met him. You will live after you leave him. Visit a women's shelter to help you change your thinking. You don't HAVE to have this guy.

I (and my family) have found that course I mentioned very helpful. If he follows it, he will have the chance of being the person you believe him to be. I have three more lessons, and then I will have my certificate. I made the decision on my own to take the course, but I am looking forward to having the certificate so that I can see I did it. It will also be a daily reminder that I needed the course, helping me continue to choose to never abuse again. 

abused - - Jun 23rd 2007
i am being abused by my fiance and i dont know what to do. i love him so much it hurts and he knows he has a problem and he told me that as soon as we get financially stable then he will get help. he knows hes wrong but he still does it. it almost becomes physical every time and i cant leave him.  i just dont know what to do

to save my marriage - i know i need to change - May 30th 2007
i am a woman, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a wife, and a mother of 3...and every day since i was 4 yrs old i have been abused in one form or another...and so issues overwhelm me. i am constantly and rapidly set into anger annoyance or defence, and i abuse my kids i believe by not being the mom i want to be, screaming over the most ridiculous things.....and now my husband for 3 yrs we have abused each other back and forth over and over,,i believe if at least one of us do not change its over... and since he wont take any responsiblity..but has a memory to die for and loves to tell me all im doing and have done wrong on a regular basis..that its all me... like i dont already know it... i want to get help to save us... i love him...ive read so much and im glad here im not alone....... im tired of hurting everyone around me... ruining my own life..screaming constanly about every little thing...and just being constantly angry....i have everything to lose and only my entire life to gain......desparate...praying for an answer help or advise............soon

for Ben - chriseve - May 27th 2007



He never imprisoned me  , but he  punched me and controlled finances. Anyways, Google, "Inside the Heart of Marital Violence." Psychology Today.

I read countless articles and it was one of the few I emerged with any individuality or voice.  I'm Chris, not an abused woman.


Anyways, BEn read the article, as jealously and security of attachment leads to attempts to dominate one's wife.


Read the article, as I found it enlightening.


You sound dreadfully sad.  Perhaps counseling individually, as I don't believe it's in the woman's best interest to go with  a master manipultar/

 Ironically, you'll lose her in your attempts to imprison her


i think im an abuser - - May 27th 2007
please could i be anonymous,i feel so ashamed,my relationship is over,yet anther one,that has not worked out,after 7 years my boyfriend has said he wont take any more abuse from me,i have verbally attacked him again,i dont seem to have any control over my mouth and despise my self after,always sorry after,seem to be getting worse and being rude to a lot of my friends,lost a lot.i justify it in my mind saying,well its the truth,i have come from an abusive background,my father beating me and telling me,i was no good,my boyfriend lied to me times and i became a paranoid wreck,distorting back to old behaviour,i have had a recovery programme,a,c,o,a,not been for ages,the last three years has been crazy,i had brain surgery for an avm and now have epilepsey,my sister died of cancer and my partner left to go back to his ex,my son has gone to live in china and my bestfriend,my dog just died,i feel i am sitting on a volcano,erupting here and there,but getting worse,i have looked at my relationships with men,three serious ones and tfere are simular patterns and i resigned to living alone,as it always seem to end the same way,i just feel stroppy all the time and want conflict,why!when i want to be loved and love ex came back to work things out and i was trying to forgive and move on and when i said i would like a commitment,he said we will see how it goes,i called it a day,i felt,if you dont know after 7 yrs,when will you know,i raised everything that happened over the last 7 yrs,called him all the worst names ever,when he tried to leave,trid to prevent him,text him to what a scum he is,degraded him about his size,etc,etc,am i my father now,please god,i hope im not.can you advise,thankyou

New abuser - Ben Johnson - May 23rd 2007

It has been almost a week since  i have come to the realization that i have been a mentaly abusive husband. I have had the prevalige to be married to the most buetiful, loving,honest, morale, and god fearing woman for the past 8 years. She is, was, and will all ways be a wonderful person. The problem with me was that i was so happy to find such a jewel i did the worst thing possible; i lock it up. I have spent the last 8 years telling my wife what ever i needed to tell her to keep her with me but away from everyone else. I was trying so hard to hide her from the world because i was affraid that if i gave her a little freedom someone better than me would come along and take her away. I would not let her get a job, go to school, or even have friends. If she did have friends i had to know every thing about them. I'm so sad for the pain that i caused my family. I'm ready to change but i'm not sure how. The love of my life has emotionaly left me and has no intention of sharing her love with me ever again.  My only hope is that i can change.   

The Complexity of Domestic Violence - chriseve - May 23rd 2007

        This is a complex and confusing issue from the point of view of both genders.   I told my sil, the director of public health that her brother hit me for smoking in the house when he had a cold.  She said, "THat doesn't sound like Harry."   I told another sister recently, who screeched, "Harry's not like that what did you do to him." ( Hmmm, in my extensive research since I kept running into it's a myth that Jewish men DON'T.  Huh, who does their PR)  So, since the incidences were rare and interspersed with a mutual bond, I lived my life and he lived at work.  In perimenopause the incidents increased, as I have a history of horrid PMS, so could be mighty nasty myself.  Some woman sail through meno, some are disabled.  Sexual or physical abuse increases the incidence of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which likely a term big Pharma coined severe PMS.  Hmmmm, perhaps what we stuff emerges in perimeno and my rage has been atrocious.  The first incident.   I was sick and enormously pregnant when he backhanded me in the mouth in the car for screaming, "I hate you."   Then I fell vulnerable and sobbing into his lap.   Close to half of first incidents happen during pregnancy, which I suspect has a jealous component.   This guy has an IQ off the chart, so the manipulation has been crafty.  He mentioned being frightened of me leaving him before my period, so I put his name back on the house.  He had stopped gambling for a decade, but resumed with this current marital crisis aka my extensive knowledge of wife abuse.  We have two condos that are of value, so those are staying in name even though we refinanced.   This article was most humane and most fitting to my marriage.    GOOGLE:  Psychology Today Inside the Heart of Marital Violence.   Interestingly, an intense bond exist between an unmothered girl and an abused boy.   I recall him bragging about his dad breaking a riding crop on his ass.  Also, his father was severely manic, on his third wife, while Harry was his third son.  His dad went to military school, plus Harry told him he treated him like his little soldier.  I broke him down one night. The denial is so intense  I'd never go to counseling with him, as he manipulates people for a living.  The last violent incident the things I said elicited feelings of machismo and feeling considered feminine, which the article discusses.  Also, the men feel it's the woman's job to keep them at bay.  As he's said countless times, at the end of 14 hour shifts, it soothes me to hold you.   He said he'll get help, but I'm afraid he'll use the knowledge to manipulate and control.  LOL, that's a biggie, CONTROL.  And he's slick.   Now, what pisses me off is that when I called the domestic violence shelter for resourses for him the first thing out of the dimwit social worker's mouth was, "you let him hit you."   Huh, I told decades ago then conveniently kept thinking isolated incident.  Well, I got my props at the end, as she said, you're telling me.  It was more demeaning then his violence, as she stole my voice by saying things like "he love me."  I would never say that about anyone, as I'm not in another's head.  Then she asked if I loved him, whatever that means.  I said, there's a bond.  I feel so freaking lost.  And, he doesn't drink.  God, I'd be hamburger.  Bipolar, which would include poor impulse control could be a factor, but after reading an article on striking the back of the head, he twisted my hair, while clenching my scalp.  After my daughter left home, he physical abusive he front of my son, which shows he uses it as a means of control.  Afterwards, he regards it as a loss of contol.  I grieve to think my son will pass this sickness down.  He tried to psych me out after my research.  He learned not to cooperate, plus it was always my hormones.   As the article stated, when it's pointed out that their are some good parts of the relationship some of the shame lifts for staying with a violent man.  Thankfully, he stayed at work lots.  He's here, "hi baby."  Thirty two years, my head spins.


- - May 9th 2007
I am abusive to my husband (verbally) I can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth!!! I want to stop this, but it happens fast and I cannot seem to get a grasp on it.  I know in the moment I'm being mean, I want to say sorry, but I can't stop being so angry and I say meaner things instead.... I am scared to go get help because I have kids and I don't want them taken away... I'm scared he will give up on me and we'll get a divorce...

abuser - billy wilson - Apr 27th 2007
i once got so mad at my girlfriend that i hit her!! It was the only way i knew how to releave my stress. Know i am in the 12 step program which has changed my life!! I have been sober now for 6 days and i realized that hitting my partner is not an option. I like boys now!!

Comment for --- your own fault - tabi - Jan 15th 2007 - - Jan 23rd 2007
This is a comment for --- your own fault - tabi - Jan 15th 2007. Yes, I agree with you that it is wrong to abuse anyone. I was an abuser, and NO, I would not want my child to be picked on by anyone. I agree that it is our fault for abusing regardless of our childhood. I know many that were abused, sexually, mentally, physically and still did not chose to do the same to their love ones. But frankly, there are ones that chose not to do so, but for some reason unknown, whether stress related...etc., something in them snaps and abusive behavior emerges. I myself chose never to abuse regardless of my childhood, but guess what? I did it. I abused my wife or soon to be ex wife whom I love very much. I am sorry "TABI" that you had to go through this, but don't give up on him/her. Yes, love begins to go down the list, but just remember that he is human after all. I can't image the pain you have gone through, but please learn to forgive, but don't forget. I totally agree it is the abusers fault. I don't know of anyone in this world being perfect. Everyone has a fault. It would be wrong to call an abuser a coward, when he can admit he has a problem. Call an abuser a coward when he does not admit to himself of his problem or can not face his problem --- That is a coward. However, again I will mention, that no one is perfect. We are human and not flawless. Don't do something in spite, because 2 wrongs do not make a right. If you left your abuser, I applaud you. It is important that you do so to allow him/her to realize his behavior. If an abuser really wants to change, he must change for himself, then for his children, then for his wife ( mother of his children ). When the abuser realizes his problem, he must forgive himself, where or whom he/she learned it from. Change is a process and a journey. TABI, please forgive your abuser, because in the end of your pain and suffering ( which I can't image what you had gone through ) you have to live with yourself. I say this because you still have anger towards your abuser or abusive people. Get passed this at your pace, but get passed this anger. Because if you don't, it will eat you up inside. Abusers need help realizing what they have done. You as a victim need help getting passed your anger and surviving your situation --- Everyone needs help. Change is possible, but you must accept the problem to go through the journey.

your own fault - tabi - Jan 16th 2007
i am not an abuser. i have been abused. so i don't know if my comments are alowed on here. no matter what happened as a child, as sad as it may be you can not blame that for the rest of your life. we make a dicision to abuse or not. i have chose never to do that and believe me i grow up disfunctually. you abusive men are cowards. would you leave your house everyday knowing there was someone twice your size outside waiting to knock you around. of course not. but we live with you. imagine the fear your child would feel being bullied everyday. would you not want to protect them. if you truly love your wife, make the decision to protect her from you. love and protect her like you would your children, mother or yourself. NO MAN SHOULD HIT A WOMAN. she has been there through it all and eventually she will tire and can't take it aymore and loving you moves down the list. and her getting her self esteem back will be more important. she should be able to love you and be loved with her self esteem an respect from you. STOP HITTING AND ABUSING YOUR WIVES, THEY ARE THE ONES YOU LOVE AND PROTECT YOU! PLEASE, IT IS YOUR DECISION ALONE, ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE THIS! - - tABI

I am an abuser... - J - Dec 30th 2006 --- Comment - - Jan 1st 2007
For the "I am an abuser... - J - Dec 30th 2006". Recognizing that you have abused your wife is the first step of accepting your problem and I also congratulate you for taking other measures for wanting to correct your behavior. You must want to change. Don't change for your wife or for our children just because you want your current situation to go back to the normal comfortable state that you are used to being in. As an abuser myself, whom posted in December 13th, I suggest the following which is a plan that will help you realize what you and ONLY you will need for the change to take place within you and for you to appriciate what you have around you --- That answer ONLY you can answer. 1.> Keep an mental picture in your head the look your children gave you when you physically attacked your wife. That is the same look you gave your stepfather. It is a look of WHY?, bundled with fear. Do you want that MONSTER in the closet of whom you told your children didn't exist to actually be true. Because in their eyes you have become that MONSTER. 2.> Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you will not abuse today, because today I choose not to abuse. I have control over myself and the way I choose to behave, and the way I choose to behave is the REAL man, husband, Father I have always wanted to be, not for other to observe, but for me to live by. This is the choice that I am making today. Say this in front of a mirror as soon as you wake up in the morning, while looking at your family picture and alone in the shower. 3.> Take everyday one day at a time. 4.> This will be the hardest thing that you will need to do and face. Ask your wife to be alone with you with someone you both feel comfortable with and know that that person will be bias to nether one of you. When you are alone, tell her how you feel and think about what you have done. Don't defend yourself. Tell her how you feel about your love for her and the children you both brought into this world. Then tell her what you have done. Apologize Sincerely. Listen to her. Don't Defend yourself. Apologize. Don't promise change. Tell her that you don't want to divorce. Tell her that you prefer to same the marriage, because you love her and your family that you both have created. Apologize for your actions. Let it be clear that you recognize you have a problem and that you do not want this to affect her or your family again. And most of all, that YOU need help. So, to help her, your family and YOU, it is best of you seperate for awhile until she recognizes the changes and feels comfortable around you. DO not change only because you don't want to control the situation. The situation is already is what it is. You can't look back ONLY forward. REMEMBER!, change because you want to change --- be the man you have always wanted to be, NOT the man everyone expects you to be. 5.> I have provided recommendations as to what I would have wanted to do for my wife, family and for myself during the beginning of my situation, but every man finds himself through the journey he decides to go to. 6.> REMEMBER!. FIRST, YOU MUST CHANGE FOR YOURSELF. Everything else will come into place. Let your wife and children go. You need time to recognize WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO YOURSELF AND THE PEOPLE WHOM HAVE CHOSEN TO LOVE YOU. Time and patience are your friends. ***NOTE: Don't take my suggest to heart. I am no therapist. I did abuse my wife. The suggestions I recommend are ways that I would have wanted to do if I was not going through a divorce. It is not to late for you, please don't let it be.***

I am an abuser... - J - Dec 31st 2006
It started as verbal abuse. Calling my wife names and telling her she was nothing without me, but tonight it was physical. I had an abusive stepfather. I used to swear I would never be like him. Now I see, I am just like him. I am scared. I think my wife is going to leave me, and take our child away. I want her to go, only for the fact that I am scared of myself now. I need help. If anyone has any suggestion, please contact me at: I do not want to lose my family. I do not want to be like my stepfather. I have tried medications, and counseling, and I cannot seem to get my anger under control. Please help me. J.

My wife filed for divorce, because I was an abuser. - - Dec 13th 2006
My wife filed for divorce, because I was an abuser. I have known her for 13yrs. We dated for 7yrs, engaged for 1yr, then married for 5yrs. The first 1yr according to her was wonderful. Then we had our first child in the 2nd yr of our marriage. That's when she says that I became a different man from the one she married. It has been a year since she filed and left to her mothers with the children. During this year it has been an up and down journey for me. I have realized many things about my actions and as to why I abused my wife. My abuse stems from seeing this from my father as a child. I promised myself as a child that I would not drink, smoke, or abuse my wife. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, but I did abuse my wife. As I mentioned earlier, I have realized many things that I would have not if it were not for my wife filing for divorce. She made a decision that affected our family, her and myself for the better. Do I regret what I did to her? YES. I regret it every day, but remind myself that it needed to happen. If she did not file for divorce, would I have admitted to being an abuser and wanting to change? I look back and can honestly say, that NO, I would not have changed. I would have changed only for a short amount of time just to get her and our family back. Space from her and our children was needed for me to really see what was happening to our family. I do not want to be an abuser. The first step for me was admitting what I have done. Second, I informed myself about the abuse, reading about abuse / victim relationships. Third, I take it a day at a time, reminding myself that I was an abuser and that "Today, I will not abuse anyone". Last but not least, I tell myself that I do love my wife and children, and myself, and that change does not happen overnight, but it is possible if I am willing to change for myself before anyone else. Change is possible for an abuser, but ONLY if the abuser wants to change for himself first. I would like to get back with my wife, but I know that I must gain her trust before anything is to happen, if it does happen. I violated that trust to many times, that I must show her with my actions, than try to tell her that I have changed. Please, for all that have dealt with an abuser. Remember that they are human and are not perfect. Offer help to them, but not direct help. Don't give up on them, if you can still see a light in their hearts.

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